Ari Shaffir, Pete Davidson, Brad Williams

  • Season 1, Ep 2
  • 04/20/2014

Amy Schumer joins Dave Attell to kick off a very dirty show featuring stand-up from Ari Shaffir, Pete Davidson and Brad Williams.

Ladies and gentlemen,let's hear it for Dave Attell!

Oh, man.

Thank you.

Look at this crowd, wow!

Give it to me.

Pull it back.

Give me a little more.

All right, all right.

No, no.

Let me earn it.

Let me earn it.

Welcome to comedyat the Underground.

It's always the sameweather down here.

Partly funny witha chance of canceled.

Either way.

All right, let's see whowe got here tonight.

This girl'sready to go.

What's your name?

Jackie.Jackie, I love it.

And who are thesetwo guys with you?I have no idea.

But they're cool.Excellent.

This is like a three-wayeven I couldn't imagine.

Look at this shit.

Well, you know what?I need someone to do camera.

Would you minddoing it?

What's your name?Noah.

Okay, easy, don'treach out like that.

That was a littletoo quickly.

Okay, Noah, I'm so glad to giveyou the camera, but I have to

let you know that we alsohave a camera on you.

Ladies and gentlemen,Amy Schumer.

Look behind youthere, buddy.

What a switcherooni, huh?

Surprise.Amy, thanks so muchfor being on the show.

Oh my God, thankyou for having me.

I haven't had a camera like thissince I was on the backroom

casting couch auditioning.(Dave)Oh ho!

Spoiler, I got it.

Thanks, Noah.

Thank you for yourpart in that.

Do you guys knowabout porn?

Okay, good.

Then tell your face.

coming up fora little bit?

I would love to,want me to come up?

All right, cool.

(Dave)Noah?

That's great.

Look at that.Nice.

Okay, so this is socool that you're here.

Yeah.Now, Noah is ourcamera person,

but you're kind of ourcelebrity camera person.

Oh my God.

Looks likeComiCon out there.

(Dave)It really does.

So much plaid.

Who's compostingat home?

I knew there wasa smell in the room.

What do you thinkof this set, huh?I love this set.

This is myfavorite railroad.

I can't believeyou-- an homage.

No, I love it.

This is-- I came down'cause it's completely

balls-to-the-walluncensored.

You can sayanything you want.

I'm sure you won't behearing the N-word,

unless someonesteals my bike again.

In which case...

Noah, you have a girlfriendor are you divorced?

I'm divorced.

(Amy)How did she let you go?

So, Noah, you'relooking for a chick.

Absolutely.

Amy can giveyou some advice.

Give me someadvice, please.

I think start gettinginterested in cock.

(Dave)Wow.

(Amy)Trust me.

You couldn't lethim down easy?Trust me.

He could eat it,are you serious?

He's so cute.

He has a beard.

What is up withthat beard?

I'm from Alaska,so this comes naturally.

There you go, so that'sreally just pubic hair.

Hey, you know what,since you're up here--Yeah.

Would you mind throwing outthe first dirty naughty?

It could be anything.

A word, a joke,or something.

I mean...Okay.

Um.

Dirty double-penetratedcum-filled cunt pussy.

(Dave)Wow.

Is that okay?Is that good?

Take a breath!I'm sorry.

Amy Schumer, everybody.

to start out with

a hilarious,great comic.

This guy, you might knowhim from his own podcast

"The Skeptic Tank"and he's here for us now.

Please welcomeAri Shaffer.

Here he comes!Noah, stay on it.

All right, buddy.Fuck yeah.

Thanks, Davey.

Hey, I just went tomy first strip club in,

like, three years.

No, not whoo.

I don't like 'em,you guys.

I don't like them.

I thought I did,I always thought I did.

I was always like,"Yay, we're having fun, right?"

But they're not cool.

I know Spike TV tells me I'msupposed to love strip clubs

and changing oil, but that'snot my experience.

They're weird, 'Cause youhave a naked girl right there,

which that part's fine,but then there's some dude

right here thatyou've never met.

And every once in a while,you'll hear a noise

and you'll both turn.

And what's theetiquette there?

What are yousupposed to do?

I never know.

Are you supposed to saysomething creepy and then

touch bonersand then go back?

Like, "I'm hard,you hard?

Yeah, we'restraight as fuck."

"You hard? You're fuckingsoft, you fucking queer!

I touched my dick to hisdick and it was soft!

Gaywad."

want more show or what?

You ready?Okay, good.

Part of the fun of thisshow is we get to break

new guys and here'sone of 'em.

Super, super funny guy.

You might know him from"The Guy Code" on MTV.

Twat is my favorite swear wordbecause my mom doesn't like it.

Please welcome Pete Davidson,everybody!

Pete.

Thank you.

Yeah.

How are you guys?You good?

I'm verydepressed, everybody.

I am.

I just turned 20and, um, it's over.

It's done.

I just moved outof my mom's house.

And I've realizedsomething.

I'm gonna fucking die.

I'm not gonna make it.

I'm not, I thoughtabout it.

I'm 6'3".

I'm 140 pounds.

I have a problemwith wind.

My friends are like,"You wanna go out?" I'm like,

"You gotta checkthe forecast first.

You might losea friend."

When I used to livewith my mom,

I just thoughtshe was annoying.

I thought she was annoying andshe cock-blocked my masturbation

time, that's all I knew.

She was the roomnext door.

So every time I wouldget it going, I would like,

hear her sneeze and it wouldthrow off my timing.

I'm like,"I can't finish now.

Mommy's sick.

She might needthese tissues."

I miss livingat my mom's house.

When I used to live at mom'shouse, I used to be able to jerk

off in my bed and then thenext day, it would be gone.

Now I live on my own.

It just stays there.

It's not going anywhere.

It's not goinganywhere till I move.

Had to do that.

This next guy, I've workedwith him many, many times.

He's amazing, he's funnyand he's here for you now.

You might know him asthe host of the podcast

"About Last Night".

I hate any midget thatis more famous than me.

Peter Dinklage.

Wee Man.

David Spade.

Any midget that's morefamous than me, I hate them.

Fuck you guys.

Please welcome BradWilliams, everybody.

Oh, dude.

Here we go,here we go.

Dave Attell!

I know! I know!

Like, don't get me wrong,you guys have seen a lot of

ridiculously talented comedians,but let's be honest.

Shit just gotinteresting, okay?

Exactly! Exactly!

Like, a lot of you guys don'tknow who I am, don't know what

TV shows I've been on,but a midget walks on stage,

you're like,"This is gonna be good."

That's it!

You're happy as hellwhen you see a midget.

You're fucking happy.

That's why I don'tthink we're using midgets

properly in this country.

We're not.

We have normal jobs.

We should nothave normal jobs.

They should be giving usto cancer patients.

How awesomewould that be?

"I'm sorry, sir, I'vediscovered you have cancer."

"Damn it!"

"Here's your midget,""Fuck yeah!"

Brad, what did youthink of the show?

I thought it was great.

Your crowd--Where are you?

All right, here.Brad.

I need, like, a flag.

You gotta put a flagon me or something.

Brad was excellent.Or a bell.

He fuckingrocked out.

Yeah, I've been tryingto get Brad to do mushrooms

for like, a year.

He's never done 'em,he's never done them.

All right, listen.

What a bunchof druggies.

Because I'm scared thatI'm gonna be on mushrooms,

walk by a mirror and go,

"Oh fuck, that'sa midget."

And like, 'cause I don't thinkabout this all the time.

I'm not walking around like,"I'm a midget I'm a midget

I'm a midgetI'm a midget."

Like, I don't do that.

I did 'shrooms'cause of him.

You did?Yeah.

Oh, Ari.

And then he finally tried'em and he wrote on Twitter.

All he wrote forthe whole night was,

"You were right aboutmushrooms, Ari."

Mushrooms are great,my dad came back.

It was fucking sick.

It's a joke.Relax.

He's nevercoming back.

I'm just glad he's here 'causeI get to stand on stage next

to people and for once,

I don't look likethe Make A Wish kid.

Yeah!

Thanks for doingthe show.

I reallyappreciate it.

Let's give it up for allof them-- Ari Shaffer,

Pete Davidson and theamazing Brad Williams.

Dude, excellent.

Excellent, excellent.

Thank you so much.

Thanks for watching the"Comedy Underground."

I'm Dave Attell,thank you guys so much.