Babysitting Forest Whitaker

  • Season 1, Ep 8
  • 03/20/2012

President Obama doesn't get special treatment, and a young Forest Whitaker terrifies his babysitter.

- OH!- WHAT?

- OH, MY GOSH!- WHAT A HALF!

- THAT IS CRAZY!- OH, MY GOD.

- OH, MY GOSH.- HEY, UH...

FORGOT TO TELL YA,CONGRATULATIONS

ON GETTING THE NEW JOB.- OH, THANKS, MAN.

I APPRECIATE IT.- AWESOME, THAT'S AWESOME.

- YEAH, AND THANK YOUFOR INVITING ME OVER HERE

TO THE GAME TODAY.- OH, NO PROBLEM.

I MEAN,YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND.

- WOW, THANKS, MAN.HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND TOO.

- COOL.- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

- WROTE A SONG ABOUT IT.- [laughs]

- NOT GONNA SING IT OR ANYTHING,'CAUSE THAT WOULD BE GAY.

- [laughing]THAT'S PRETTY GAY.

- ALL RIGHT,I'LL GIVE IT A SHOT.

[clears throat]

♪ WALLY,YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND ♪

♪ TOGETHER WE CANCHANGE THE WORLD ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN TOGETHERTHROUGH THICK AND THIN ♪

♪ PLAYING BALLAND TALKING TO GIRLS ♪

♪ WALLY,I'M SO PROUD OF YOU ♪

♪ YOU KNOW YOU'VE TAKENALL OF MY ADVICE ♪

- WAIT, STOP, STOP, STOP,STOP...WHAT ADVICE?

- OH, UM...IT'S JUST A SONG, DUDE.

I MEAN, LIKE,CAN I FINISH?

- YEP.- AND THEN WE CAN?

- O-OKAY.- ALL RIGHT.

[clears throat]

♪ YOU'VE DONE EVERYTHINGI'VE ASKED OF YOU ♪

♪ AND YOU NEVER,EVER QUESTIONED TWICE ♪

- WHAT ARE YOUTALKING ABOUT?

♪ THANK YOU FOR DOINGWHAT I TOLD YOU TO ♪

♪ YOUR ACHIEVEMENTSARE ALSO MINE ♪

♪ MY PADAWAN

♪ YOU MAKEYOUR SENSEI PROUD ♪

♪ LIVING YOUR LIFELIVING YOUR LIFE ♪

[low]TWO, THREE, FOUR...

♪ LIVING YOUR LIFETO MY DESIGN ♪

- THAT WAS THE WEIRDEST SONGI'VE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE, SO--

- ♪ YOU HAVE LISTENEDTO YOUR ELDERS ♪

- I'M OLDER THAN YOU!- ♪ NEVER FORGET

♪ THE WORDS I SAY - OKAY, I, UH,

DON'T LIKE YOUR SONG,SO I'M GONNA BOUNCE.

- ♪ YOU ARE PRODUCTOF MY CREATION ♪

- WHAT? NO I'M NOT.- ♪ I HAVE SHOWN YOU THE WAY

- EXCEPT FOR THAT YOU HAVEN'T.YOU HAVEN'T.

- ♪ MODULATE

- YOU JUST SAYWHAT YOU'RE DOING?

- ♪ LIKE THE WHITE WOLFGUIDES HIS CUBS ♪

♪ THROUGH THE PLAINSOF THE CARIBOU ♪

- SHUT UP!

- ♪ I HAVE DONEALL I CAN ♪

♪ THE REST IS UP TO

[high]♪ YOU

MY WOLF CUBIS ALL GROWN UP.

[shudders]

- WHAT ARE WE DOINGIN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD?

- COME ON, THIS PLACEIS IN OUR PRICE RANGE.

BESIDES, I MEAN,PEOPLE SAY THE NEIGHBORHOOD'S

TURNING AROUND.- WHO THE [bleep] THERE!

IT'S JORDAN AND KEIRA.

WE'RE HERE TO VIEWTHE APARTMENT AT 3:00.

- [laughs]OH [bleep], MY BAD.

I HAD THIS HOMELESS CRACKHEADTRYING TO SET UP HOUSE

IN HERE YESTERDAY.ALMOST HAD TO BEAT HIS ASS, MAN.

BUT Y'ALL AIN'T GOTNOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT,

'CAUSE ANYBODYTRY TO GET UP IN HERE,

I WILL MURDER THEM.

LET ME GIVEY'ALL THE TOUR.

ALL RIGHT, SO WE GOTTHESE VINTAGE WINDOWS.

THEY BEEN HERE AS LONG ASTHE BUILDING'S BEEN HERE.

[car approaching]OH [bleep]!

GET AWAY FROM THE WINDOW!GET AWAY FROM THE WINDOW!

HEY! HEY!

YOU, [bleep]!I SEE YOU OUT THERE!

YOU GET OUT THAT CAR,AND I WILL MURDER YOU!

[engine revving,tires squeal]

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT!

SO ROLL ON,YOU LITTLE [bleep]!

ROLL ON!

MY NEPHEW, CRAIG.

HE A GOOD KID.

HE SMOKE CRACK, THOUGH.

GO AHEAD AND...

JUST, UH, JUST IN CASEHE COME BACK.

- UH...- AND I FILED THE SERIAL NUMBER

OFF THAT,SO IF YOU GOTTA SHOOT ANYBODY,

JUST MAKE SURETO WIPE YOUR FINGERPRINTS

OFF THIS [bleep].

WELL, COME ON, Y'ALL.I AIN'T GONNA BITE YOU.

BRAND-NEW CUPBOARDS.

I PUT THE CONTACT PAPERIN MYSELF HERE

SO Y'ALL DON'T GET NO GERMS.[car approaching]

GET DOWN!

[hip-hop music playing outside]

NAH, AIN'T NO THING.

I THOUGHT CRAIGWAS ROLLING BACK.

I AIN'T GETTING SHOTBY THIS [bleep] TWICE, DAMN.

WHILE WE DOWN HERE,

CHECK THIS OUT.

ORIGINAL HARDWOOD FLOOR

FROM WHEN THE BUILDINGWAS BUILT.

CHECK OUTTHIS GRAIN, BROTHER.

WHOO!THAT IS CRAFTSMANSHIP!

ANYWAY, COME ON.

[grunting]

NOW, THIS PAINTIS ALL NEW, AND--

AW [bleep].

OKAY, THIS--THIS HAPPENEDAFTER I HAD PAINTED.

FUNNY STORY, WE GOT CRACKHEADSIN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD,

AND ONE OF THEM LIVEDRIGHT NEXT DOOR HERE, RIGHT?

AND ONE DAY, HE WAS SMOKINGCRACK, JUST WENT LOONEY TUNES

AND MISTOOK HIS 9MM--

THAT'S A PISTOL, HONEY--FOR THE REMOTE CONTROL.

BUT DON'T WORRY, YOU AIN'TNEVER GONNA SEE HIM AGAIN.

[intense]AIN'T NOBODY EVER...

GONNA SEE HIM...

AGAIN.

PLUS, I'M GONNAPUT A FANCY LITTLE HOOK IN THERE

AND TURN ITINTO A HAT RACK.

NO LET'S TAKE A LOOKAT THIS BEDROOM.

WHAT THE [bleep]?

- I FOUND THIS PLACE FIRST!

- FOUND IT?MAN, I OWN THIS PLACE!

CAN Y'ALL GIVE ME A SECOND?

AAH![grunts, impacts]

YOU GONNA BITE ME, [bleep]?

I WILL CUT YOUWITH MY SWORD CANE!

AAH!

- [shuddering]

- SO THAT'S GONNA BE FIRST MONTHAND LAST MONTH'S RENT

AND ONE-MONTHSECURITY DEPOSIT.

I'LL GETTHE PAPERWORK STARTED.

- OKAY, BABY,LET'S HIT THIS ROCK REAL QUICK.

AND NOW, WE HAVE A SPECIALTREAT.

HOLD ONTO YOUR YARMULKES, OKAY?

"FROM EAST TO WEST,YOU KNOW THEY'RE THE BEST.

GETTING YOU IN THE ZONEFOR YOUR MILESTONE."

IS THAT CUTE?

PLEASE WELCOME GAFILTA FRESHAND DR. DREIDEL!

[hip-hop music]- YEAH!

WHAT'S UP,TEMPLE BETH ISRAEL?

- YO, IS THEREA DANIEL ROSENBLUM

IN THE HIZZOUSE?

- OH, YEAH!- WHAT'S UP, MAN?

- AW, YEAH!WHAT'S UP, MY MAN?

YEAH, ALL RIGHT!- ALL RIGHT!

[hip-hop remixof Hava Nagila plays]

- WHEN YOU SEEBLACK PEOPLE AT A BAR MITZVAH,

IT'S VERY EXCITING.

IT'S LIKE A SCARY RIDE.

AND THE KIDS JUST LOVE IT.

- RIGHT NOW,WE ARE THE NUMBER-ONE

BAR/BAT MITZVAH PARTY MOTIVATORSIN ALL OF NASSAU COUNTY.

- I MEAN, YOU GOTTHE BAT MIZZLES, YOU KNOW?

OYS TO MEN, YOU KNOW?ALL OF THEM COMING THROUGH

LIKE[Yiddsh pronunciation]

WITH THE RECYCLED DRECK.

- AND I MEAN,THE CHUTZPAH OF THESE GUYS

WITH THEIR FAKAKTA SHTICK.

IT'S A REAL SHANDA ON WHAT IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE.

- A SIMCHA. - YEAH.

- IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A SIMCHA. - MM-HMM.

- YOU JUST REALLYCAN'T PUT A PRICE

ON THE LOOKON YOUR CHILD'S FACE

WHEN THEY SEE A BLACK PERSONFOR THE FIRST TIME.

IT'S...[T-shirt gun fires]

IT'S JUST MAGICAL, REALLY.

IS HE GETTING BACK UP OR WHAT?

- WE ARE NOTTECHNICALLY CHOSEN.

- WE'RE CHOSENBY THE CHOSEN.

- WHICH IS KIND OF BETTERTHAN BEING JUST THE CHOSEN.

- THAT'S RIGHT.IT'S LESS RESPONSIBILITY.

- JEWS ARE LIKE BLACK PEOPLE,

BUT WE WERE BLACK PEOPLE

BEFORE THERE WEREBLACK PEOPLE.

UM...WELL, I GUESSTHAT'S NOT TRUE.

THEY WERE JUST IN A...[T-shirt gun fires]

DIFFERENT PART OF,UH, THE WORLD.

OH, BLACK PEOPLECOMING TO GET ME! HELP!

[Hava Nagila remix plays]

- YEAH, YOU KNOW,BETH ISRAEL!

[cheers and applause]

WE FIND ITSPIRITUALLY INTOXICATING,

WE FIND ITCULTURALLY FASCINATING,

AND WE FIND ITMONETARILY EXHILARATING.

both: ♪ WHEN WE SAY SARAHYOU SAY SCHWARTZMAN ♪

SARAH!all: SCHWARTZMAN.

both: SARAH!all: SCHWARTZMAN.

- YEAH!- THERE YOU GO, YEAH!

- I MEAN, THE FACTTHAT WE'RE WILLING TO PUT FORTH

THE EXTRA TIMEIS WHAT SETS US APART.

- I MEAN, HOW OFTENIS A 13-YEAR-OLD

GONNA HEAR THEIR OWN NAME?

- WE LEARN THAT NAME.WE REHEARSE IT.

GO DANIEL!GO DANIEL!

GO DANIEL!GO DANIEL!

- JUDAISM CAN BEA VERY SOMBER RELIGION.

- THAT'S RIGHT.YOU KNOW, SOMETHING

WE LEARNED ALONG THE WAYIS THAT THE WORD "GHETTO"

MEANS SOMETHING VERY DIFFERENTTO THESE PEOPLE.

- TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,I WAS A LITTLE NERVOUS

ABOUT THE WHOLE THING.NO, NOT BECAUSE THEY WERE BLACK,

BUT BECAUSEYOU NEVER REALLY KNOW

WHAT THOSE KIND OF PEOPLEARE GONNA DO.

- IF WE CAN ADD SOME FUN,SOME LIFE, SOME COLOR

TO A JEWISH PERSON'S LIFEWHEN THEY'RE STILL YOUNG--

- THEY MIGHT NOT GROW UPAND RUN AWAY FROM BLACK PEOPLE

WHEN THEY SEE THEM.- NO, MAYBE THEY WON'T...

- OR, UH...- FIRE PEOPLE SO WILLY-NILLY

WHEN THEY'RE OLDER.

- WE PROVIDE A SERVICETO THESE PEOPLE.

[party music playing]

YEAH!

WE MOTIVATE PARTIES.

- THAT'S WE DO.

- THAT'S WE DO.WE MOTIVATE PARTIES.

- [grunts]

PLEASE! NO!

NO!

NO!

- [laughing]

- WHAT--WHAT'S THE JOKE?

- WHAT?

- I-I DON'T GET IT.

- MAN, YOU SHOTTHAT DAMN FOOL!

[laughing]

- OH...

YEAH, NO.I STILL DON'T GET IT.

- HEY, MAN,AIN'T NOTHING TO GET.

[bleep] IS JUST FUNNY, MAN.

DUDE CAN'T SNITCH NOW.

[laughing]

- [laughing nervously]

- MAN, DON'T FAKE LAUGH.

- HUH?

- THAT'S NOT REAL.I CAN TELL.

- NO, I THINKIT'S REALLY FUNNY.

- NO, YOU DON'T.

LOOK AT HIM!SITTING THERE ALL DEAD.

[laughing]- [laughing tentatively]

HE WAS 20,AND NOW HE'S DEAD.

AIN'T NEVER GONNA HAVEA WIFE OR KIDS NOW.

- MAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?WIFE AND KIDS?

THAT [bleep] AIN'T FUNNY.

- [chuckling]

HIS MOM AND DAD AIN'TNEVER GONNA SEE HIM AGAIN.

- NO. NO.

YOU'RE RUINING IT FOR ME.

- OKAY, WELL, I GUESSI JUST DON'T GET IT THEN.

- IT'S JUSTTHAT YOU SHOT HIM.

THAT'S ALL!THAT'S THE WHOLE THING!

- OH, OKAY, SO...

- OH!

THE HELLIS WRONG WITH YOU?

YOU DON'T SHOOT A DUDETHAT'S ALREADY DEAD!

THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

- OH.AAH!

- [laughing]- OWW!

- YEAH, I GUESSI JUST DON'T GET IT.

- MRS. WHITAKER, I HAVEBEEN BABYSITTING FOR 20 YEARS.

I'VE SEEN IT ALL.

- THE THING IS,FOREST IS A UNIQUE CHILD.

- EVERYTHINGIS GONNA BE FINE.

I WANT YOU TO HAVEA GOOD TIME TONIGHT.

YOU DESERVE IT.

- OKAY, UM...

GOOD LUCK.- THANK YOU.

[sighs]

[eerie music]

- GOO-GOO GA-GA.[heavy footsteps]

- [recoils]

HEY THERE, FOREST.

- GOO-GOO GA-GA.

I WANT...

I WANT MILK.

- YOU WANT ME TO GET YOUYOUR BOTTLE, BUDDY?

- I WANT MILK!- OKAY.

- THIS IS A BA-BA.

I WANT MAMA'S MILK.

WHY CAN'T I HAVEMAMA'S MILK?

IT'S A SIMPLE REQUEST.

- WELL, YEAH, WELL, UH,

Y-YOU CAN'T HAVE MAMA'S MILKRIGHT NOW, BUDDY.

UM, HOW ABOUT WE PLAY?

- OKAY.

I WANT...

I WANT--I WANNA PLAY WITH MY LEGOS.

- OKAY, YEAH.

OKAY, BUDDY, LET'S, UH,GET YOUR LEGOS THEN.

- I WANNA...

I WANNA PUTTHE SMALLEST LEGO IN MY MOUTH.

THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO.- NO, NO, NO.

YOU CAN'T--YOU CAN'T DO THAT.- WHAT?

FIRST YOU TELL MEI CAN'T HAVE MAMA'S MILK.

NOW I CAN'T HAVETHE SMALLEST LEGO IN MY MOUTH?

WHAT A NIGHT.

THIS IS A BAD START.

- WAIT, BUT FOREST,IT'S DANGEROUS.

- LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

YOU'RE IN CHARGE OF ME?IN MY HOUSE?

- ALL RIGHT, F-FOREST,I-IT'S TIME FOR BED.

- I GUESS THENYOU GONNA SING ME A SONG.

- WHAT?

- MOMMA ALWAYS SINGS ME A SONGBEFORE I GO TO SLEEP.

ARE YOU GONNADO THAT FOR ME?

- OKAY, OKAY.YEAH.

YES, I WILL.

♪ HUSH, LITTLE BABYDON'T SAY A WORD ♪

- KEEP--KEEP SINGING.

- ♪ MAMA'S GONNABUY YOU A MOCKINGBIRD ♪

- PUT MY NAME IN IT.

I LIKE--I LIKE IT PERSONAL.

- ♪ HUSH, BABY FOREST WHITAKERDON'T SAY A WORD ♪

- GOO-GOO GA-GA.

- ♪ MAMA'S GONNABUY YOU A MOCKINGBIRD ♪

- GOOD BABYSITTER.

- ♪ AND IF THAT MOCKINGBIRDDON'T SING ♪

- HAVE A GOOD CRY.

- [sobbing]♪ MAMA'S GONNA BUY YOU

♪ A DIAMOND RING

- Hey, man, "Key & Peele," man.

Hey, you know what, man?

Fuck y'all!

- Stupid.

- Straight up, man.

We're doing thisa long-ass time now.

Y'all ain't done shit.

And you know what,it's on you now, dawg.

And you know why?I'ma tell you right now.

Because we watchedthis week's episode,

didn't even like that shit.

You know what, fuck it.

I'm gonna showthe goddamn scene anyway.

I want everybody watchingthis video right now

to see how stupidand fucked up your scene is.

So show the goddamn clip.

[slow footsteps]

- Goo gah gah...

- Oh.

Hey, there, Forrest.

- Goo-goo, gah-gah.

I want...I want milk.

- You want me to get you your bottle, buddy?

- I want milk. - Okay.

- Now, how y'all gonnafuck up a black Hobbit scene?

- Stupid, man.

- Ridiculous, man.

And everything was taking placeat regular time.

They should bein a Hobbit village.

- Throw some celebrityHobbits in there.

- That's what they should do,

is put a celebrity Hobbitup in there, man,

to play the black Hobbit, man.

- Webster...

- Yeah, Webster, man.

Ha, that's my jam.

Webster would havebeen my shit.

- Dinkle, Dinkle.

- Oh, shit, Peter Dinklefrom "Game of Thrones."

Why didn't you all getthat nigga to be in your shit?

That should have beenthe funniest scene this season.

Y'all fucked it right on up.

- Also got a big dick,though.

- [laughing]

And then he should have hadhair on his feet

and a big old hairy dick.

How you gonna have a midgetwithout a big dick?

- [snickering]

- See?

- That's just funny, dawg.

That's just universal.

That's universal.

I don't know how youdrop the ball on that one.

- The midget got to havea big dick, man.

He should have slappedthe babysitter in his face.

He should have said, "Nicebabysitter, nice babysitter."

both: Blip!

And slapped him in the dick.

And the babysitter went like...

[makes fart noise]

"Oh, man, this littlebaby midget made me fart."

[laughter]

- That's just--nigga, that's just--

Man, you stupid.

You being stupidright now.

- But you know what?

Hey, you know what,fuck you, though.

Fuck you, though.

You know, we laughingand everything,

but it ain't at you, man.

We laugh at our own shit,

'cause our shit is gold.

So y'all better watch out,

'cause from now on it's gonna be"Huggins & Taylor," all right?

That's the new show.

Fuck "Keele & P,"

'cause we donewith you now, man.

We done.

We was trying to help you out.- Yep.

- But now we're gonnatake our shit on the road.

- Yep.- And fuck your shit up.

Lot of stuffmissing in your show.

Y'all don't haveenough shit in your show.

The whole goddamn season,one time,

it's the only timeyou did it, man,

where that dude shit himself

when they was about to dothat drive-by on that one dude.

That was my shit.

That's the funniest thingthey did all season, man.

- That's my shit right there.

- What's wrong with y'all, man?

How come you only do thatone time?

Man, those dudes should havebeen in every show.

Put shit-pants gangstersin the show.

That's what I call the scene,"shit-pants gangsters."

- Make that the whole show,nigga.

- That's what they should call--

that's what their namesshould be, too.

They should call 'emShit-pants

and--and--and Fart-drawers.

That would bethose niggas' names.

"My name is fart-drawers.

This is my partner,Shit-pants."

- Hold up.

- [laughing]

- I'm gonna writethat shit down.

- You gonna write that down?You got a pencil, man?

- Write that shit down.

- Hold up, I got a pieceof paper right here, man.

Shit-pants and Fart-drawers.

And I wish you niggaswould try and steal that shit.

Please try and steal it.

Hey, nigga, put an "R"with a circle around it.

- Nigga, hold upa second, now.

- Put an "R" with a circlearound it.

- Hold up one second.

All right.

- Shit-pants.

- All right, startfrom the--Shit-pants...

- And then his partnername is--

- Hold up, nigga,I'm trying to write something.

And...- Fart-drawers.

- Fart-drawers.

- That's on the wall.

- Take that, niggas.- Bitch.