I have to acceptI am always gonna be
a bit of a wimp,a bit of a pussy.
I'm never gonna bea real man.
It's nevergonna happen.
For start, like eventhe stuff I like--
Even the stuffI like to watch on TV,
I like girly shows,you know.
I was excitedto come to New York.
I was like, "the home of'Sex In The City'!"
No boy should bethinkin' that.
I do love"Sex In The City."
What I love mostabout the most recent
"Sex In The City" film,didn't really want to see it.
It was- it wasgenuinely, right,
it was bannedin Saudi Arabia.
Now, I can't imaginethat the producers behind
the "Sex In The City"franchise would be losing
that much sleep overthe fact that their film
had been banned inSaudi Arabia, seeing as,
for one... women aren'tallowed into cinemas
in Saudi Arabia.
What is the target audiencefor that film in Saudi--
Who's gonna be inthe cinema watching
"Sex In The City 2"in Saudi Arabia,
just two really stern Arab mensat there on their own
watching Samantha talkingabout deep throating.
"Ahmed, I do notunderstand it.
"Why did she leave Smithin first film?"
My dad's veryembarrassing.
I-I was invited, right.
He-he's 70-years-old,and he's got to that level
where he just doesn't carewhat he says anymore, yeah.
I was invited in the U.K.To do this talk show,
and one of the other guestson the talk show
was the internationallyacclaimed rap superstar, Usher,
so I was veryexcited!
And before the show--yeah, Usher.
I thought, whatI'm gonna do, right,
I'm gonna introduce my dadto Usher in the greenroom.
That'll be a good idea,won't it?
My dad went up tousher and asked him
for directionsto his seat.
He thought Usherwas an usher.
When I was growing up,I used to argue a lot
with my dad over loadsof different things,
but there are a couplethat kept recurring.
Like one of them, right,is that when I was younger,
I went through a phasefor, I don't know,
about five years...
Where I really likedRobin Hood, and I mean,
really liked Robin Hood,to the level that I wanted
to dress up as himall the time,
and I mean, all the time.
And my dad hated this,the fact that
he had to turn up toevery single family function
that we were invited to
with his son in little,green fishnet tights.
'Cause he's hated itwhenever I'd behave
like that as a child.
He's always triedto cut it out.
Like, when I was 13,I was given rollerblades
by my mom for my birthday,'cause that's what I wanted.
My dad confiscated them.
He's like,"You're not having them.
"They're far too gay--Give them here."
'Cause he's always triedto clamp down on my campiness,
and I think you'll agree,he's done a fabulous job.
He still does it.
He still does it.
We had one flash point,right, one year, okay--
It was a big one.
One-one Christmas, I reallywanted a Barbie, okay.
Not in that way.
I-I just wanted-I wanted action man
to have a date forthe ball, you know.
He's a soldier--He deserves it.
But my dad was like,"You're not having a Barbie.
"There's no wayI'm giving you a Barbie."
I was like, "Well,just give me my allowance.
"I will go outand buy the Barbie."
He was like, "I'm notgiving you allowance.
"You're not having it."
I was like,"Well, that's it.
"Then I'm running away.
"I'm leaving home.
"I'm going forever.
"You won't be seeing meagain-- Goodbye.
"I'm out of this house!
"I hate you!
"This is your last chance totell me that you love me.
"If you don't tell methat you love me now,
"I'm out of that door!
"Actually, mother,if I am to leave,
"I probably willrequire a bag,
"so maybe you couldpack it for me.
"I'm going to needsome provisions,
"an extra pairof tights,
"and father, give memy rollerblades!
"They are mine!
"Well, that's it.
"I am gone for goodthis time!
"I will not beseeing you again!
"Don't you dare tryand come and get me!
"I'm really gone now,mother!
"I'm in the hallway,mother!
"It's too latefor sorrys now!
"I'm nearly gone!
"I'm in the hallway!
"Don't you dare tryand come and get me!
"I'm by the doornow, mother!
"I'm gone now!"
I'd never get very far.
What would happen, right,is I'd normally end up
waiting on the corner ofthe sidewalk for my father
to come and collect mein the car.
He'd have tocome in the car,
even though I was a hundredyards away from the house.
That wasn't the point.
I'd run away from home.
He was gettingin the car.
He'd have to driveto collect me.
He'd have togive me allowance,
so I could buymy Barbie doll.
He'd have to tell methat he loved me,
like a properfather would.
And then, we'd all go backhome and it would be
happy families againin the Whitehall household.
You get some really weirdlooks from the neighbors,
when age 13, you're stood onthe corner of the sidewalk
in little green fishnettights and rollerblades
looking like a hookerout of Starlight Express.
And then, essentially,slowly gettin' carpooled
by your own fatherwho drives up in a Mercedes,
puts down the window,
chucks some moneyat your feet and screams,
"I love you--now get in the car!"
[audience cheering, applauding]
by far an away, right,
my favorite TV showis an American TV show,
and that show,ladies and gentlemen is
"America's Next Top Model."
I love that show.
'Cause I love all ofthe modeling shows.
I think they'regreat, right.
And what I love aboutthe modeling shows is that,
for a start,
it's very clearthat they're judged
entirely by women...because none of the blonde,
big-breasted,sort of curvy, sexy models
that I'd actuallylike to have sex with
ever get anywhere.
It's always some weird,scrawny alien with like,
a shaved head.
"Oh, she's reallystriking."
"She's got stunning eyes.
"They follow youaround the room."
'Cause one of themis lazy.
But the main reason--
The main reasonI love that show,
"America's Next Top Model,"
is for one reasonand one reason alone,
and that is becauseof Tyra Banks.
I think that womanis amazing.
She is the mostpretentious woman
on the entire planet.
I love that bit, right,that bit at the end--
That bit at the endthat I love
where she's judging the twofinal women, right--
And they stand therein front of her
and Tyra's there holdingtheir photographs...
like Jesus in front oftwo lepers.
And then, these twopoor, innocent,
vulnerable young women
have to be subjected to a facefull of the most nonsensical,
pseudo-philosophical bileyou have ever seen.
It is glorious!
She looks at them.
She's like, "Two beautifulgirls stand before me.
"Only one can become'America's Next Top Model.'
"Shaniqua, this week,your shots were fantastic,
"but unfortunately,as a human being,
"you have to face upto your issues
"and the best wayto do this
"is to take a step back,turn around and run away...
"because you see,life is like a swing.
"You go forwards and backwards,forwards and backwards,
"after using your legsin a kicking motion
"to propel you toan optimum velocity...
"but you see,the swing doesn't just go
"forwards and backwards.
"It goes left and right,in and out, up and down.
"It's not likea swing at all.
"In fact, in many ways,it's more like a roundabout
"that seesaws up and downand swings from left to right
"and you have toclasp each opportunity
"like it were a monkey baron a trellis thing...
"but don't you ever think thatlife is like a playground
"because it is not!
"It is like a playground
"without the playor the ground.
"It is just swingingnothingness
"and the only then can youtruly understand that
"if you want to becomeand individual,
"you have to strivefor individuality
"in a group,in unison,
"on your own, together,momentarily, forever...
"and the most importantlesson that you can learn
"is that if you want to getanywhere in this industry,
"you gotta stop talkin',you gotta start listening.
"You gottastop using these.
"You gotta startusing these,
"because, Shaniqua,you are still in the running
"to become'America's Next Top Model.'
"So let mesee you smile."
[audience cheering, applauding]
- Started at school.
Started at school, yeah.
Oh, my P.E. teacherat school,
I hated the man.
His name was Mr. Walton.
He was from South Africaand he was a lumbering hulk
of protein shake andunresolved childhood issues
which he took out on meevery single week.
I hated him!
And he'd always used totry and humiliate me
in front ofthe rest of the class.
I can remember once,he was shouting at me,
trying to make melook like an idiot.
I'm quitea sensitive soul.
I couldn't hack it.
Eventually, I flipped.
He's like,"Go on, Jack.
"Push yourself, bro!
"Look at my body, Jack!
"How do you think I gotto where I am today?"
"I don't know,oppressing black people?"
I did notenjoy school.
I did not like itone bit.
But I always think,right, yeah,
if-if we got people in tonight,people watchin' at home,
that did notexcel at school,
there was onevery important thing
that we must allhold onto, yeah...
and that isat every school,
all over the world,in every class,
there was alwaysthat one person
that is betterthan everyone else.
They got intoall the sports teams.
They did reallywell in exams,
had a lovelygirlfriend.
Mister perfect,the one everyone resents
and wants to be.
You can hold ontothe fact, yeah,
that although they werereally good at school,
in later life, they willhave made their mistakes,
they will havescrewed things up...
and now with Facebook,
you can findthe bastard!
You can hunt him down andlook at his photographs
and realize,"Oh, yeah,
"you were misterperfect in school,
"but now someone's put ona little bit of weight.
"Now someone'slost their job
"and they're sleepingin the back of their car.
"So [deleted] you,Robbie Westlake!"
And it's notjust them!
Not just them!
You can also find peoplethat didn't want to have sex
with you at school.
They rejected youat school
because they were betterthan you at school.
And you can hunt them downon Facebook as well...
and you can look throughall of their photographs...
and do what us pervertslike to refer to as
"The revenge wank."
"Yeah, you didn't wannahave sex with me at school!
"How do you like it now,Robbie Westlake!"
[audience laughing, applauding]
the wrong thing.
I say the wrong thingand it get-
it gets me into troublequite a lot, right.
I've only ever beenin one actual fight
and it washorrible, okay.
I was in a bar, right.
I was in a bar justminding my own business,
just stood in the cornerdrinkin' a Smirnoff Ice.
Which does not necessarilymean you're gay
just because you'redrinkin' a Smirnoff Ice.
I mean, yeah,if I'm drinkin' it
and lookingat my best mate
in the showerwith an erection,
then maybe point a finger,but I wasn't!
He was in the bath, andI-- I stood there, right,
just minding' my ownbusiness and this big guy,
this big, very imposing,intimidatin' lookin' guy,
from Scotland no less, yeah--He just comes up to me,
apropos of nothin',just walks up to me,
shoves me, and he goes,"Oye, pal, are you some
"sort of gay boy?"
So that was hisopening gambit...
and although he phrased itas a question,
I'm pretty surehe wasn't coming onto me.
So this guy is shoving me.
He's pushing me.
"Oh, you are a gay boy.
I grant you, I didn'treally know what to do.
I panicked a little bit.
I froze up.
Then off impulse alone,I don't know why I did it,
I just grabbed him,I swung him 'round
and I kissed him.
He didn't like that.
He punched me.
And suddenly,I was in a fight.
Now, I've always thoughtit'd be quite good
to be in a fightone day.
That's what men do,they fight.
But I haven't thoughtthis far in advance.
I didn't knowwhat I meant to do
in the actualcombat scenario.
It's definitely not that,by the way.
"Go away, you ruffian!"
But he's punching me.
I-I'm thinking to myself,"surely I've been equipped
"for something to do withsort of self-defense
And I thought,"Yes, I was!"
When I was 12 years old,at my school,
we were shown a video thattaught you self-defense,
and I thought back,and I remembered that video.
And the video thatI was shown when I was 12
that was meant to teach meabout self-defense
only taught metwo things
for two very specificscenarios.
The first scenariothat I was equipped for,
thanks to the video I sawwhen I was 12 years old,
was for the verylikely scenario
that you were a womanand it is late at night
and you're walking home alonewith your bag on show...
and as you'rewalking home alone,
a stranger attacksyou from behind
and tries toget at you.
What you're meant to do,ladies, in that situation,
is very calmlyscrape down on his shin
with your high heellike that.
Back off, [deleted]!
I've got other plans.
The second-secondvery specific scenario
that I was equipped for,
thanks to this videoI saw when I was 12,
was for the verylikely scenario that,
yes, once again,you're walking home alone.
This one is non-genderspecific.
You could have a bag...You might not.
And a stranger, once again,decides to attack you,
but this time,his only form of attack
is to race up to youin the street
and try to prod youin the eyes like that.
If he does that,you just do this.
I'm in a fight.
I'm in a fight.
This is all I haveto defend myself.
So as you can imagine,as you can imagine,
he kicks the [deleted]out of me.
And as he's punchin' meand kickin' me,
I'm there,cowering away.
I didn't know whatto do and I thought,
"Maybe I can get outof this by bluffing."
I thoughtI could lie to him.
I could say,"I've got a knife!"
Or, "I've got a gun!"
He might believe me.
He runs away--I'm sorted.
Do what I did, right.
This is the most courageousand manly thing
I've ever donein my entire life.
It took some balls.
I merely swungaround to him.
It was me and my attackereye-to-eye in this moment.
And I fixed him with the mostintimidating stare
that I could muster.
I summoned upmy gravelliest voice.
And then I simplysaid to him,
"Get your hands off me!
"I have got an erection!"
[audience applauding, cheering]
Ran a mile.
- I get scaredby everything.
I get scaredby watching the news.
The only way I can watchthe news, I've decided,
is to try and look forthe funny elements of it,
and there aresome funny stories.
Some of theAmerican stories,
I've seen somebrilliant ones, right.
My favorite wasat the time of
the Californianforest fires.
I was watchin'the news, right,
and this guy genuinely saidthat apparently in the blaze
300 mobile homeshave been destroyed.
Now, I don't know whetherthere are that many advantages
to a mobile home,if any.
But one of the main ones,the big selling point
of the mobile home,is that you're not really
tied down to an area,especially if the said area
is on [deleted] fire!
[audience laughing, applauding]
Even-even on the newspeople say stupid things.
I saw a guy being interviewedon the BBC News back home,
right, an expert--he was a so-called expert.
He genuinely said, right,that apparently obesity
is now a bigger threatto the western world
than Al Qaeda.
It's definitely not.
What would you ratherhave sit opposite you
on the subwayon your way home tonight,
some mental guy with a beardand a hundred yard stare
with a backpackfull of Semtex
or just a jollylittle fat kid
with a backpackfull of cake?
I want fatty.
'Cause I do.
I get scared ofyoung people.
I get scared ofyouths, yeah.
The worst, right,are the young people
that are likethe gangs, right,
that sit on public transportlike pack of wolves.
They have their hoodiesand their caps
and they play theirmusic really loud
on their mobile phones,
that's what theylike doing, yeah.
I found outthe hard way,
they don't like itwhen you make requests.
I didn't knowwhat I was doing.
I turned 'round.
The leader of the packis just staring at me.
He's like, "Hey, broth,what do you want?"
"Um, Justin Bieberwould be nice."