Extended - Thursday, October 8, 2015 - Uncensored

  • 10/08/2015

Randy Liedtke, Natalie Morales and Paul F. Tompkins encapsulate a #RedneckIn3Words, deliver bad news via Snapchat and predict the future in this uncensored, extended episode.

NOW, IT IS TIME TO START OURWEEKLY PANDERDOME!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)FREQUENT NAPPER AND MUPPET

BALCONY-HECKLER BERNIESANDERS...

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

...SEEN HERE DEMANDING AMNESTYFOR SWEDISH CHEFS, UH...

HE'S VERY PROGRESSIVE, DARLING,BUT THERE'S ONE ISSUE WHERE

SANDERS IS NOT LIBERAL-- GUNCONTROL.

THE NEW YORK TIMES QUOTEDSENATOR GRANDPA MUNSTER AS

SAYING...

(LAUGHTER)"IF YOU PASSED THE STRONGEST GUN

CONTROL LEGISLATION TOMORROW, IDON'T THINK IT WILL HAVE A

PROFOUND EFFECT ON THE TRAGEDIESWE HAVE SEEN."

HE THEN ADDED, "ARE YOU MYNURSE?"

(LAUGHTER)SANDERS HAS DEFENDED HIS PRO-GUN

STANCE BECAUSE HE REPRESENTS THERURAL HUNTING STATE OF VERMONT,

WHICH IS ALSO A PLACE WHERE YOURAUNT MAKES DREAM CATCHERS TO GO

GET RAILED BY A SKI INSTRUCTOR.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)SO, COMEDIANS, WHAT'S ANOTHER

VERMONT-SPECIFIC POLICY BERNIEMIGHT BRING TO THE WHITE HOUSE?

NATALIE.

>> ALL ABORTIONS NOW COME WITHMAPLE SYRUP AND CHEDDAR CHEESE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)RANDY LIEDTKE.

>> UH, MARRIAGE IS NOT JUSTBETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN.

IT'S ALSO BETWEEN A BEN AND AJERRY.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)MR. PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

>> OUR NEW NATIONAL ANTHEM WILLBE COMPOSED BY VERMONT NATIVES,

PHISH, SO GET READY FOR EVENLONGER BASEBALL GAMES.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: NO!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)NO!

ALL RIGHT, GET OFF MY GODDAMNLAWN!

>> DOES HE RUB BALLOONS ON HISHEAD ALL DAY LONG?

>> HARDWICK: HE RUBS BALLOONS ONHIS...

(LAUGHTER)EVEN IN THE CUTTHROAT WORLD OF

PRESIDENTIAL POLITICS, RABIDCOUNTRY BEAR COME-TO-LIFE DONALD

TRUMP TAKES TROLLING TO NEWLOWS.

(GROWLING)THIS WEEK, HE SHIPPED RIVAL

CANDIDATE MAMA'S-BIG-BOYWHO-DRESSED-HIMSELF MARCO RUBIO,

PICTURED HERE, A...

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)WAIT A MINUTE.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)(WHOOPING)

THIS IS REAL F'D UP.

HE SENT RUBIO A CARE PACKAGE OFWATER BOTTLES ALONG WITH A NOTE

READING: "SINCE YOU'RE ALWAYSSWEATING, WE THOUGHT YOU COULD

USE SOME WATER. ENJOY."

(LAUGHTER)(HARDWICK GROANS)

AH... TRUMP ICE NATURAL SPRINGWATER, BOTTLED AT THE SOURCE

FROM ATLANTIC CITY GUTTERS.

(GROANS, LAUGHTER)AND DELIVERED TO YOUR DOOR BY

THE SAME PEOPLE TRUMP WANTS TOKEEP OUT OF OUR COUNTRY.

(LAUGHTER, GROANS)UH...

I MEAN...

(APPLAUSE)UH, PROVE ME WRONG.

(CHEERING, WHOOPING)COMEDIANS, WHAT'S ANOTHER GIFT

PACKAGE TRUMP MIGHT SEND TO ARIVAL CANDIDATE?

RANDY.

>> UH, LIKE, A LANDLINE PHONEWITH REALLY BIG NUMBERS SO

BERNIE SANDERS CAN SEE THEM.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)POINTS.

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)NATALIE MORALES.

>> UH, EXTRA LARGE TAMPONS TOEVERY WOMAN WHO TALKS TO HIM.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)(WHOOPING)

YEAH.

PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

>> UH, HE'S GONNA SEND CARLYFIORINA AN EPSON PRINTER, 'CAUSE

THAT'S A REAL BURN ON AN HPPERSON.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH!

POINTS! TAKE THAT!

(APPLAUSE)>> NOT COMPATIBLE!

>> HARDWICK: MOVING ON.

IN A TOWN HALL Q&A, PINCHEDWEASEL TYCOON CARLY FIORINA SAID

THAT SHE'D... USE HER BA...

THAT SHE'D USE HER BACHELORDEGREE IN MEDIEVAL HISTORY TO

TAKE ON ISIS, PROVING JUST HOWDESPERATE PEOPLE WITH A MEDIEVAL

HISTORY DEGREE ARE TO USE IT.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)

THIS OBSESSION WITH THE DARKAGES ALSO EXPLAINS HER STANCES

ON GAY MARRIAGE, BIRTH CONTROLAND GLOBAL WARMING.

FACTS AND SCIENCE? WITCHCRAFT!

(LAUGHTER)SO, COMEDIANS, HOW ELSE WILL

FIORINA USE HER VAST MEDIEVALKNOWLEDGE TO SOLVE MODERN

PROBLEMS?

RANDY LIEDTKE.

>> UH, SHE'LL SOLVE THE DROUGHTBY ONLY LETTING, LIKE, THE

RICHEST PEOPLE BATHE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)THAT'S RIGHT.

NATALIE.

>> UH, SHE'LL PUT STEM CELLRESEARCH ON HOLD TO FIGURE OUT

HOW TO MAKE DRAGONS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

OH, MAN, I KIND OF WANT THAT,THOUGH.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: I KIND OF...

>> OR... OR, ALSO, INSTEAD OF AWALL BETWEEN THE UNITED STATES

AND MEXICO, SHE'LL JUST PUT AMOAT.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, A BIG MOAT.

WITH DRAGONS OVER IT!

>> WITH DRAGONS, YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

>> ANY WOMAN THAT WANTS ACCESSTO PLANNED PARENTHOOD HAS TO BE

DROWNED FIRST, AND IF THEYFLOAT, THEY CAN'T GO IN...

(LAUGHTER)...BUT IF THEY SINK, "RIGHT THIS

WAY."

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. POINTS.

(CHEERING, WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)POINTS.

>> IT'S A FOOLPROOF SYSTEM.

>> HARDWICK: YOU KNOW...

EVEN THIS EXPRESSION IS, LIKE,"PAUL, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA!"

>> TAKE IT UNDER CONSIDERATION.

>> HARDWICK: "CONSIDER THAT."

>> SHE'S GETTING READY TO KISSME-- LOOK AT THAT.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, SHE'S GONNAKISS YOU, RANDY LIEDTKE!

>> AH...

>> HARDWICK: GONNA KISS UP ONTHAT BEARD.

>> OKAY.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS!

(CHEERING, WHOOPING)>> HARDWICK: WELL, RANDY, YOU'RE

APPROPRIATELY DRESSED FOR THIS.

TOMORROW'S THE DEBUT OF TOBYKEITH'S 18TH STUDIO ALBUM: 35

MILES PER HOUR TO TOWN.

UH, IT'S A GREAT NAME AND IT'SGOT OUR HEADS A-SCRATCHIN'.

WHAT ARE SOME OTHER THREE-WORDREDNECK CONCEPTS?

SO TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#REDNECKIN3WORDS,

#REDNECKIN3WORDS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE: CHRISTMASCHAINSAW MISHAP, OR...

DEMOLITION DERBY WEDDING.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK, AND BEGIN.

NATALIE.

>> WATCH THIS, Y'ALL.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

PAUL F.

>> WHAT YOU WANT?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

NATALIE.

>> HERE'S REDDY LICKY.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: AND HERE HE IS!

(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)>> THE PROPHECY CAME TRUE.

>> HARDWICK: RANDY.

>> THIS ONE JUST SEEMS REALLYRUDE. UM...

(LAUGHTER)HARD WORKING AMERICANS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, OKAY.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)YEAH. OH, WELL...

I COULD SEE YOU TAKE THAT ANGLE.

YEAH! SOMEONE'S SPEAKING UP FORUS!

FUCK YOU, CHRIS HARDWICK, YOUDANDY BOY!

NATALIE.

>> HEY, A BLACK!

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

RANDY.

>> DRUNK SUNBURNED PENIS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)I'M CURIOUS.

SO YOU'RE FINE, BUT YOUR PENISJUST GOT SUPER HAMMERED.

>> YEAH, YEAH. I DUNKED MY PENISIN A DRINK, DRANK IT UP LIKE A

STRAW.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, GREAT.

POINTS. PAUL F.

>> YOU READIN'? (SPITS)(LAUGHTER)

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

POINTS FOR THAT.

RANDY.

>> GOLDEN CORRAL WEDDING.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

PAUL F.

>> BARRACK HUSSEIN OBAMA!

(LAUGHTER, WHOOPING)>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, PERFECT.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY WIN, LOSE, ORDRAW A DICK ON MY FACE.

(CHEERING, WHOOPING)ONE OF THE MANY REASONS I QUIT

DRINKING WAS THAT I GOT SICK OFWAKING UP AND SCRUBBING THE

SHARPIE DICKS OFF MY FACE BEFOREI COULD... BEFORE I COULD START

SCRUBBING OFF THE ACTUAL DICKS.

SO, COMEDIANS, I'M GONNA SHOWYOU A PICTURE OF SOMEBODY THAT

IS PASSED OUT AT A PARTY, ANDFOR 250 POINTS, I WANT YOU TO

TELL ME THE NAME OF THE ARTPIECE THAT HAS BEEN DRAWN ON

THEIR FACE.

FIRST UP, THIS TIMELESSMASTERPIECE.

(LAUGHTER)NATALIE.

>> THE DA VINCI CHOAD.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)

I'M PROUD OF THAT ONE. YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: RANDY LIEDTKE.

>> SHIRTS VERSUS SKINS, MY FIRSTGAY EXPERIENCE.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

POINTS.

(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)NEXT ONE.

THIS UNFORTUNATE COUCHENTHUSIAST.

(GROANING, LAUGHTER)>> THEY BARELY LEFT HIM ROOM TO

BREATHE.

>> HARDWICK: THEY BARELY LEFTHIM ROOM, YEAH.

>> THE CROWN IS A NICE TOUCH.

>> HARDWICK: IT'S REALLY NICE.

YEAH, UH, NATALIE.

>> DOUBLE-BAG IT.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

UH, PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

>> HEAVY HANGS THE HEAD THATWEARS THE CROWN AND IS WRAPPED

IN PLASTIC WITH A DICK DRAWN ON.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

RANDY.

>> HE'S NOT PASSED OUT-- I HAVEA BED JUST LIKE THAT.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

UH, OKAY, YOU'RE RIGHT, WE MADEA LOT OF ASSUMPTIONS.

WE MAD... BOY, THEY SPENT...

THEY REALLY DID SOME NICE VEINWORK ON THAT, TOO.

>> THAT... I FEEL LIKE THAT'S ATWO-MAN OPERATION...

>> YEAH.

>> ...AND THE SECOND GUY WASLIKE, "WAIT, WAIT, WAIT."

>> HARDWICK: ALTHOUGH THE WAYTHAT THEY KIND OF DREW THE TOP

OF IT, I KIND OF EXPECT MARIO TOBE LIKE, "IT'S-A ME!"

LIKE, RUN...

>> DOES HE HAVE A SCEPTER, TOO?

HE TOTALLY DOES.

>> HARDWICK: IT LOOKS LIKE HEMAYBE DOES HAVE A SCEPTER, YEAH.

>> HE'S THE KING OF DICKS.

>> I FEEL LIKE...

>> HARDWICK: YUP.

100 POINTS FOR NATALIE MORALESFOR... FOR THAT TITLE.

NEXT ONE, THIS HEP CAT.

UH...

HOW... HOW ON EARTH WOULD YOUSLEEP THROUGH THAT?

OH, MY GOD.

>> THE EYELIDS.

>> HARDWICK: THE FUCKING EYES!

AND THE FACE...

THAT IS... THAT IS A STUNNINGPIECE OF WORK.

PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

>> I CALL THIS ONE DID ANYONETHINK TO CHECK A PULSE?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

NATALIE.

>> PAUL F. TOMPKINS' VERSION OFNEVER NUDE.

>> HARDWICK: YES, YES, POINTS.

HE DRESSES WELL.

RANDY.

>> THAT'S MY FRIEND GRUMPY MATT.

>> HARDWICK: OH, GRUMPY MATT,YEAH.

POINTS.

NEXT ONE, THESE LITTLESCAMPHOLES.

HUH? OH.

RANDY.

>> GOT YOU, YOU DUMB FUCKINGNEWBORN.

>> HARDWICK: NEWB.

>> NEWB.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

NEXT ONE, THIS TWO-TONEDGENTLEMAN.

UH, PAUL F.

>> SHARPIES HAVE GOTTEN SO SOFT.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

ALL RIGHT...

>> WAIT, DO YOU THINK... DID...

WAS THE DICK THERE FIRST?

>> HARDWICK: I THINK THEYPROBABLY STARTED HERE...

>> I FEEL LIKE THEY... I FEELLIKE SOMEBODY DREW A DICK AND

THEN SOMEBODY WAS LIKE, "COMEON, WE CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT."

>> I LIKE HOW THEY LEFT ROOM FORTHE PUKA SHELL NECKLACE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, YEAH, THATWAS... THEY WERE TRYING TO BE

RESPECTFUL.

>> HE'LL... HE'LL BE MAD IF WEDRAW ON HIS NECKLACE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

FINALLY, THIS BEACHED WHALE.

OH, NO.

OH, NO.

WHAT DOES THAT SAY?

OH, IT SAYS "BITCH BINGO" ON IT.

>> BITCH BI...

>> HARDWICK: RANDY.

>> AFTER HE WAKES UP, I CALLDIBS ON THAT SWEET DICK MELON.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, POINTS.

YES.

PAUL F.

>> CAN I JUST SAY-- FIRST OFALL, THIS IS NOT HOW WE USED TO

PLAY BITCH BINGO.

BEING VERY LIBERAL WITH THERULES.

I CALL THIS ONE THE BEACH TOWNWITH NO COPS.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS,POINTS.

>> AND HE'S GOT A CIGARETTE...

CIGARETTE IN HIS MOUTH?

>> YEAH, YEAH, STILL SMOKING.

>> HARDWICK: OH, YEAH.

>> WAIT, THAT GUY'S AWAKE.

>> YEAH.

>> IS THAT-IS THAT FLAG IN THEWATERMELON OVER HIS PENIS?

>> YEAH, IT'S THROUGH HISURETHRA, PROBABLY.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: THAT'S HOW MUCH HELOVES AMERICA.

>> YEAH, IT IS.

>> IT LOOKS LIKE HIS LEGS ARETIED TOGETHER WITH A FLAG, ALSO.

>> HARDWICK: ACTUALLY, IT LOOKSLIKE A SMASHMOUTH ALBUM COVER.

>> OH, MAN.

>> HARDWICK: MY NEW ALBUM'SCALLED AMERICA DICK MELON.

BEFORE THE BREAK, I TOLD YOUABOUT THESE NEW SNAPCHAT LENSES

AND HOW THEY WOULD MAKE THEWORLD A BETTER PLACE AND LIFE

WORTH LIVING AGAIN.

I ASKED YOU TO DELIVER SOME BADNEWS VIA SNAPCHAT.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU MADE.

RANDY LIEDTKE, LET'S START WITHYOU.

>> I GOT GOOD NEWS AND I GOT BADNEWS.

GOOD NEWS IS WE FOUND THE SOURCEOF THAT SOUR SMELL.

THE BAD NEWS IS WE FOUND YOURENTIRE FAMILY DEAD IN YOUR

ATTIC.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, I FEEL OKAY ABOUT IT.

I-I FEEL OKAY.

PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

>> HI, IT'S ME, YOUR GUARDIANANGEL.

MY NAME'S HITLER.

OH. YOU'VE HEARD OF ME.

>> HARDWICK: NATALIE MORALES.

>> HEY, Y'ALL, IT'S MILEY CYRUS.

I'M HERE WITH YOUR DEAD PETUPDATE.

EVERY DOG FROM THE BEETHOVENMOVIES IS NOW DEAD.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME, HORRORSCOPES.

HORROR SCOPES.

OVER HALF OF AMERICANS BELIEVEIN ASTROLOGY, AND TWO-THIRDS OF

AMERICA BELIEVE STEPHEN HAWKINGIS THE WORLD'S BEST ASTROLOGER.

UH, HOROSCOPES USUALLY OFFERVAGUE PREDICTIONS LIKE, "YOU

WILL FIND SUCCESS IN A NEWCAREER" OR "APPLE WILL AT SOME

POINT RELEASE A NEW IPHONE."

SURELY, EVEN ASTROLOGERS SCREWUP SOMETIMES, SO, COMEDIANS, I

WOULD LIKE YOU TO GIVE ME ASMANY BAD HOROSCOPES AS YOU CAN

IN 60 SECONDS.

AND BEGIN.

(BELL DINGS)NATALIE.

>> CANCER, YOU HAVE IT.

>> HARDWICK: OH, NO!

THANKS, THE STARS. POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)RANDY.

>> VIRGO, YOU WILL APPEAR ON THESHOW @MIDNIGHT AT YOUR FATTEST.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT. POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

>> LIBRA, WHEN ONE DOOR CLOSES,IT'S THE DOOR TO THE GAS

CHAMBER.

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE KILLED THATGUY.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)RANDY.

>> ARES, HOLLOW OUT A LOAF OFFRENCH BREAD TO HIDE YOUR DILDOS

IN.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

>> GEMINI, TODAY YOU'LLUNDERSTAND WHY YOU'RE THE SIGN

OF THE TWIN.

THEY FOUND A LITTLE SKULL INYOUR ABDOMEN.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)UH, PAUL F.

>> SAGITTARIUS, DID YOU WAKE UPIN A HOTEL BATHTUB FILLED WITH

ICE?

YOU SHOULD HAVE READ MY COLUMNYESTERDAY.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)NATALIE.

>> YEAR OF THE RAT, UH, YOURFRIEND IS THE YEAR OF THE

DRAGON.

TRY TO PRETEND YOU DON'T FEELUNCOOL ABOUT THIS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)RANDY.

>> COME LIKE NOBODY'S WATCHING.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

POINTS.