Tuesday, July 29, 2014

  • 07/29/2014

Chad Daniels, Jay Larson and Morgan Murphy find out why women on OkCupid prefer to date unattractive men, list #SexyBaseball names and write taglines for repurposed junk.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

PARAMOUNT -- NO WOOFING IN THEAUDIENCE!

SORRY.

PARMOUNT PICTURES DELETED ATWEET REVEALING THE AUSTRALIAN

POSTER FOR "TEENAGE MUTANT NINJATURTLES" AFTER A MILLION VOICES

TWEETED OUT AND REFUSED TO BESILENCED.

WHY DID THE POSTER CAUSE SUCH ANUPROAR?

A. MICHELANGELO WAS EMBRACINGMEGAN FOX WHILE SPORTING AN

OBVIOUS ERECTION.

B. THE TURTLES WERE JUMPING OUTOF A BURNING BUILDING AND THE

RELEASE DATE IS 9/11.

C. THE TURTLES WERE STANDING INFRONT OF PLANTS THAT LOOKED LIKE

MARIJUANA AND EATING PIZZA

>> JS CHAD DANIELS.>> B.

>> YES, THE CORRECT ANSWER IS B.

THEY WERE JUMPING OUT OF ABURNING BUILDING.

OH, NO!

WHAT HAVE WE DONE?

ALL RIGHT MOVING ON.

A POPULAR WEBSITE HAS ANNOUNCEDTHAT IT HAS BEEN RUNNING HUMAN

EXPERIMENTS ON ITS USERS.

WHO COULD DO SUCH A HORRIBLETHING BESIDES FACEBOOK AND THE

N.S.A.?

OKCUPID WHAT?

ONE OF THE THINGS OKCUPIDDISCOVERED IS THAT WOMEN WERE

HAPPIER ON DATES WITHUNATTRACTIVE MEN THAN ATTRACTIVE

MEN. ACCORDING TO OKCUPIDFOUNDER CHRISTIAN RUTTER,

WHY DO WOMEN FEEL THIS WAY?

A. CHICKS FEEL SORRY FOR LOSERS

'CAUSE THEY'RE MORETOUCHY-FEELY THAN DUDES.

B. UNATTRACTIVE MEN HADSTATISTICALLY GIRTHIER PENISES.

C. HOTTER GUYS WERE (BLEEP) MOREOFTEN.

MORGAN.

>> I'M GOING TO GO WITH B,UNATTRACTIVE MEN HAVE

STATISTICALLY GIRTHIER PENISES.

>> NOT TRUE, NOT TRUE.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> WHAT ARE YOU CHEERING ABOUT?

( LAUGHTER )THEY DIDN'T SAY IT WAS LONG.

JUST GIRTHIER.

IT COULD LITERALLY JUST BE LIKE-- IT COULD JUST LOOK LIKE A

SMOKE ALARM.

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY,C., HOTTER GUYS WERE ( BLEEP )

MORE OFTEN.

THAT IS AN ACTUAL QUOTE.

LOOK.

THERE IT IS.

HOTTER GUYS WERE ASSHOLES MOREOFTEN.

SEE, I DIDN'T LIE, IT'S INPRINT, SO IT'S TRUE.

BONUS POINTS.

COMEDIANS WHAT ARE SOMEOTHER HUMAN EXPERIMENTS BEING

RUN ON UNSUSPECTINGINTERNETTERS? JAY LARSON.

>> HOW MANY TIMES YOUR MOM WILLFRIEND REQUEST YOU ON FACEBOOK

BEFORE YOU ACCEPT.

SEVEN TIMES, SEVEN TIMES.

>> IS IT SEVEN?

IT WAS FOR ME.

ALL RIGHT, MOVING ON.

"THE BACHELORETTE" ENDED IN ABLAZE OF BORING LAST NIGHT.

THE WINNER OF THE SEMI-ANNUALEVENT ALWAYS DRAWS IN BIG

NUMBERS ON TWITTER, MOSTLY FROMPEOPLE WATCHING IT "IRONICALLY."

HOWEVER, INSTEAD OF ANNOUNCINGWHO WOULD BE THE NEXT BACHELOR,

CHRIS HARRISON DID THE NEXT BESTTHING.

COMEDIANS, WHICH OF THEFOLLOWING INTERNET-CENTRIC

THINGS HAPPENED ON LAST NIGHT'S"BACHELORETTE FINALE"?

A. GRUMPY CAT WAS BROUGHT OUTAGAINST HER WILL.

B. THE HOT TUB WAS FILLED WITHMENTOS AND DIET COKE.

C. ANDI ACCEPTED THE PROPOSAL BYSAYING #YES.

MORGAN.

>> GRUMPY CAT WAS BROUGHT OUTAGAINST HER WILL.

>> YES, GRUMPY CAT WAS BROUGHTOUT AGAINST HER WILL.

I IMAGINE THAT EVERYTHING THATHAPPENS TO GRUMPY CAT IS AGAINST

HER WILL.

THAT POOR, BRAIN-DAMAGEED CAT.LET'S A --

IT'S SO FUNNY WATCHING ITBACK BECAUSE IT'S SO TRUE.

>> THE CAT SEEMED SO ENGAGEED.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'S#HASHTAGWARS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )-- GUYS--

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )WE'RE MORE THAN HALFWAY THROUGH

THE BASEBALLING SEASON, AND WITHALL OTHER MAJOR AMERICAN SPORTS

TAKING A BREATHER, SPORTS FANSARE FOCUSED ON THE BOYS OF

SUMMER.

WITH THAT IN MIND, TONIGHT'SHASHTAG IS #SEXYBASEBALL.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE:

THE BOSTON DRIED SOCKS.

OR TOMMY LASORDA INTO GUYS.

OR KEN BURNS WHEN I PEE. THAT'SNOT A SEXY EXAMPLE AT ALL.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK STARTING NOW.

>> CHAD?

>> CAL BLUMPKIN JR. FOR THEBALTIMORE GLORYHOLES.

>> OH SO GOOD. WONDERFUL CHAD,POINTS. VERY WELL-DESERVED.

MORGAN.

>> THE TORONTO BLOW JAYS.

>> YEAH, POINTS.

MORGAN AGAIN.

>> I DIDN'T THINK IT WASHAPPENING.

>> HIGH AND INSIDE A FAT CHICK.

>> OKAY, POINTS, POINTS.

CHAD.

>> KIRBY ( BLEEP )ETT.

>> YEAH GOOD, KIRBY (BLEEP)ETT.POINTS.

>> MORGAN.

>> ANA-HYMEN ANGELS.

JAY.

>> BUCKEY DENTAL-DAM.

YEAH POINTS. VERY REPSONSIBLE.MORGAN.

>> RALEIGH SMELL-MY-FINGERS.

POINTS. JAY.

>> THE BARRY WHITE SOX.

>> YEAH. OH, YEAH, OF COURSE.MORGAN.

>> ANAL HERSHISER.

>> OH, SO GOOD.

THAT'S FIXED UP

THAT'S FIXED UP

I CAN HAZ CHEEZBURGER'SPITCH-PERFECT "THEREIFIXEDIT"

BLOG SHOWS YOU WHAT YOU CAN DOWITH A LITTLE INGENUITY --

REALLY A LITTLE INGENUITY --

THE BLOG FEATURES PRODUCTS THATHAVE BEEN FIXED BEYOND REPAIR

LIKE THIS ONE.( LAUGHTER )

THAT'S WHY HOOTERS AIR WENT OUTOF BUSINESS.

ALL RIGHT, COMEDIANS, I'M GOINGTO SHOW YOU A FIXED UP PRODUCT

AND I WANT YOU TO GIVE ME ATAGLINE TO HELP SELL IT.

FIRST ONE?

WHO WANTS S'MORES ON A RAKE?

WHO WANTS RAKEABLE SMORS?

CHAD?

>> FLAV-A-FLAVS' FANCYMARSHMALLOW STICK.

>> WAIT, THERE'S MORE.>> I'M NOT DONE.

FEEDS UP TO 20 ILLEGITIMATECHILDREN.

>> OH GOOD. NICE PUNCTUATION.>> YEEEAH, BOYYYY.

POINTS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> YEAH, POINTS!

>> YES MORGAN.

>> WELL, OKAY, THIS IS NOT GOINGTO GET ME POINTS.

I THINK THAT'S THE GREATEST IDEAEVER, AND I'D ( BLEEP ) THE GUY

WHO MADE THAT.

>> WHILE YOU'RE GOING S'MORES!

S'MORES!

S'MORES!

THIS SHOVEL CRUTCH. WHY NOT?

JAY LARSON.

>> MAKE THAT CRIPPLE DIG HIS OWNGRAVE.

POINTS.

NEXT ONE. NEXT ONE. THIS CAR WASSHOPPING CARTS FOR WHEELS.

THAT REALL DOES HAVE SHOPPING(BLEEP)ING CARTS FOR WHEELS.

MORGAN.

>> RUNS ON THE POWER OF FOURHOMELESS PEOPLE.

>> POINTS.

THE MOST ANNOYING THING IS THECAR IS ALWAYS GOING TO DO THIS

IN THE FRONT A LITTLE BIT,ALWAYS STRAYING TO THE LEFT.

LAST ONE.

DON'T TALK TO ME UNTIL I'VEHAD MY MORNING SPAGHETTI.

HAVE HALF A COOKED MEAL IN JUSTUNDER THREE MINUTES, I GUESS.

CHAD.

>> GRANDMOTHER WITH DEMENTIATHAT KEEPS ( BLEEP )ING UP MY

APPLIANCES.

>> YEAH, POINTS.

I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS.

BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RESELLING THE GRANDMOTHER IN THAT

INSTANCE.

>> WHAT I'M SAYING IS I AM, ANDIT'S FREE WITH PICKUP.

>> OKAY GOOD, POINTS.

MORGAN-- I'M SORRY, JAY.

>> FOR SALE, GUIDO CROCK POT.

THUMBNAIL'D IT:CELEBRITY EDITION.

CELEBRITIES, THEY'RE JUST LIKEUS

EXCEPT THEY MAKE WEIRD CHOICESFOR MONEY THAT ARE IMMORTALIZED

FOREVER ON YOUTUBE.

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU ATHUMBNAIL OF A YOUTUBE CLIP. YOU

HAVE TO GUESS WHICH BIZARRECELEBRITY APPEARANCE THE VIDEO

FEATURES. FIRST ONE.

THIS JAPANESE LADY IN A WESTERNTOWN, IS SHE PROMOTING:

A HAUNTED HOTEL COMMERCIAL WHEREJACK NICHOLSON HAS A THREESOME

WITH TWO GHOSTS, OR AN ENERGY DRINK AD FEATURING ARNOLD

SCHWARZENEGGER? JAY.

>> SCHWARZENEGGER BECAUSE THATGUY WILL ( BLEEP ) ANYTHING.

LET'S FIND OUT TOGETHER.

LET'S FIND OUT TOGETHER.

>> PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF ME FORBEING FROM MINNESOTA, BUT YOU

VOTED FOR HIM.

( LAUGHTER )>> THAT'S VERY TRUE.

NEXT ONE.

THIS LONELY PADDLE BOARDER.

IS THAT WAVY IMAGE FROM AMCCONAUGHEY-NARRATED

DOCUMENTRAY CALLED "JUST KEEPPADDLIN'," OR

A MEN'S FITNESS COVER SHOOTWITH OH YEAH -- JEREMY PIVEN

MORGAN.

OH GOSH. AH, AH, BOTH? NO. NOTBOTH.

>> MEN'S FITNESS COVER SHOOTWITH JEREMY PIVEN.

>> LET'S FIND OUT.

>> I FEEL LIKE ALL THAT STUFF WEJUST SAW, I FEEL LIKE WE WEREN'T

SUPPOSED TO SEE ANY OF THAT.

>> I BET IF YOU GO IN HISKITCHEN RIGHT NOW, THERE'S PASTA

IN A COFFEE MATE.

>> POINTS FOR CHAD DANIELS.

ALL RIGHT, LAST ONE.

AW, THIS ADORABLE BABY.

IS HE BEING SERENADEED BY A DUETBY HULK HOGAN AND AN AIR

CONDITIONER OR A GUITAR-PLAYINGZEBRA WITH THE HEAD OF BEA

ARTHUR. JAY.

>> I WANT HULK HOGAN REAL BAD,BUT I'M GOING ZEBRA BEA ARTHUR

DUO.

>> ALL RIGHT, LET'S FIND OUT.

"HIDE YO KIDS, HIDE YO WIFI"

YOU KNOW, SOME FOLKS RESIGNTHEMSELVES TO BORING WIRELESS

NETWORK NAMES LIKE NETWORK 432X.

OTHERS RECOGNIZE A CREATIVEOPPORTUNITY WHEN THEY SEE ONE.

WE'RE SEEN EVERYTHING FROMINTIMATE CONFESSIONS:

IT HURTS WHEN IP>> THAT'S TIGHT, I LIKE THAT.

TO FLAT-OUT PERSONAL ATTACKS:3RD FLOOR ASSHOLES, SHUT THE

(BLEEP) UP ON YOUR BALCONY.

IT REALLY IS A GREAT WAY TOANONYMOUSLY COMMUNICATE IDEAS TO

DICKHEADS IN YOUR BUILDING.

COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TO GIVE MEAS MANY RIDICULOUS WIFI NAMES

AS YOU POPSSIBLY CAN.

60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK AND GO.

YES, JAY.

>> MEL GIBSON SR.

POINTS. CHAD.

>> THE E-MAIL IS COMING FROMINSIDE THE HOUSE.

GENIUS. CHAD.

>> DON'T WORRY, THE PICTURES AREOF MY KIDS.

OH, YES. MORGAN.

>> 4697335757, ENTOURAGE, THEMOVIE.

POINTS.

JAY.

>> 2-PUMP CHUMP.

>> POINTS. MORGAN.

>> YOU'RE WITHIN 100 FEET OF ANERECTION.

>> POINTS. CHAD.

>> HARDWICK INDUSTRY SWEAT SHOPWAREHOUSE THREE.

>> OKAY, POINTS. YEAH.

JAY, JAY.

>> NUMBER ONE NICKELBACK FAN.

>> IS THAT THE WIFI OR ARE YOUJUST MAKING A DECLARATION?

( BUZZER )( LAUGHTER )

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