Monday, March 2, 2015

  • 03/02/2015

Jen Kirkman, Baratunde Thurston and Doug Benson find out how Justin Bieber celebrated his birthday, list #HellishFoods and come up with adult-themed Dr. Seuss books.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

NOW, SHIRTLESS BUFOON AND ONE OFCOMEDY CENTRAL'S TOP CANADIANS

TO WATCH, JUSTIN BIEBER, TURNED21 OVER THE WEEKEND.

GUYS, HE CAN FINALLY ENJOY ADULTBEVERAGES LEGALLY.

HIS FIRST BEER IS GOING TO BE SOEXCITING FOR HIM.

AS EXPECTED, HE CELEBRATED BYTHROWING HIMSELF A HUGE BASH AND

ALL OF HIS BEST FRIENDS ON HISPAYROLL WERE ON ATTENDANCE.

LET'S LOOK AT THE VIDEO HEPOSTED ON FAHLO.

♪[50 CENT'S "IN DA CLUB"PLAYS]

>> CHRIS: LOOK AT THAT!

LOOK AT LITTLE SHIRTLESS BEEBSTHERE, YAY SPARKLERS!

SPARKLERS! OW, OW, OW, OW!

OW, OW, OW. I SHOULD PUT A SHIRTON. OW, OW, OW.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JUSTIN. YOULIVED LONGER THAN ANY OF US

THOUGHT YOU WOULD.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> HE'S FINALLY OLD ENOUGH TOHOLD A SPARKLER.

>> CHRIS HE IS FIANLLY, CANLEGALLY HOLD A SPARKLER.

THIS VIDEO IS JUST A SMALL TASTEOF THE DEBAUCHERY THAT I AM SURE

OCCURRED. SO COMEDIANS WHAT ARESOME OTHER NONSPARKLER THINGS

THAT HAPPENED AT JUSTIN BIEBER'S21ST BIRTHDAY BASH.

JEN KIRKMAN.

>> I THINK WHAT YOU DIDN'TSEE WAS THAT THEY THEN

STUCK THE DONKEY ASS THAT THEYHAD'S ASS TO DISLODGE THE

BALLOON FULL OF COCAINE.

>> CHRIS: YES, DEFINITELY.POINTS.

>> I DON'T WANT TO MAKE FUN OFHIM.

>> CHRIS: IT'S LITEARLLY ACOCAINE MULE.

LITERALLY.

>> BEEBS, I'VE MET BEEBS BEFORE,WE'RE TIGHT. SO, SORRY BEEBS.

>> CHRIS: WHAT?

>> YEAH.

>> THAT'S WHERE DID SHE GETTHOSE PANTS?

>> CHRIS: 100 POINTS TO DOUGBENSON. SO NICE.

BARATUNDE.

>> RIGHT AFTER THAT HIS BLACKFRIENDS LET HIM WIN AT

BASKETBALL.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY. HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

IT IS NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

WE'RE PREHEATING OUR COMEDYOVENS FOR THE SEASON

PREMIER OF "HELL'S KITCHEN"TOMORROW BY MAKING TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG #HellishFoods.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE, THE RIVERBREAD STYX.

OR ANY VEGAN DISH MADE WITHSEITAN.

OR PENTAGRAHAM CRACKERS.

LET'S PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND START.

DOUG BENSON.

>> ANTI-CHRIST CRISPIES.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. POINTS.

JEN.

>> OH, I GOT A FALLEN ANGEL FOODCAKE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

BARATUNDE.

>> BEELZE-BUBBLE GUM.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

JEN.

>> H-E-DOUBLE BREAD STICKS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

DOUG.

>> FAUSTED FLAKES.

>> CHRIS: POINTS! SO GOOD.

BARATUNDE.

>> THE MOST DEVIOUS GRAIN OFALL, QUIN-WA-HA HA HA HA.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. POINTS.

DOUG BENSON.

>> THE DEVIL'S OWN SALADDRESSING.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

JEN.

>> BABY BACK RIBS MADE FROMACTUAL BABY RIBS.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, POINTS. VERYHELLISH, VERY HELLISH.

DOUG.

>> PRINCE OF DARK MEAT.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

BARATUNDE.

>> SODOMISO SOUP.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

JEN.

>> THE FOUR COURSEMEN OF THEAPOCALYPSE.

>> CHRIS: YES POINTS!

>> COME ON.

>> CHRIS: DOUG.

>> TOAST THAT WAS BURNT IN HELL.

OH, WAIT. I HAVE ANOTHER ONE.

>> NO.>> CHRIS: NO.

NO, SIR.

YOU ARE QUITE DONE.

LIKE A RESPONSIBLE BARTENDER, IWILL HAVE TO CUT YOU OFF.

HERE'S OUR NEXT GAME, HOW THE(BLEEP) DID THIS HAPPEN?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

REDDIT ISN'T JUST A PLACE TOARGUE WITH TROLLS.

IT'S ALSO A GREAT SOURCE FOREXTREMELY CONFUSING PHOTOS.

COMEDIANS I AM GOING TO SHOW YOUA PERPLEXING PHOTO WE FOUND ON

REDDIT, FOR 250 POINTS I WANTYOU TO TELL ME HOW THE (BLEEP)

THIS HAPPENED.

FIRST ONE: HOW DID THIS CAR ENDUP DUMPSTER DIVING.

HOW'D TAHT HAPPEN?

DOUG BENSON.

>> THAT'S THE CAR FROM THE MOVIECARS GOING DOWN ON A DUMPSTER

FROM THE MOVIE DUMPSTER.

>> Chris: POINTS TO DOUG. JENKIRKMAN.

>> A MUCH BIGGER CAR DIDN'T KNOWWHAT TO DO WITH ITS BABY.

>> Chris: POINTS. BARATUNDE.

>> WE ALL KNOW GARBAGE GOESIN A BLACK BIN, PAPER IN THE

BLUE BIN, HATCH BAGS IN THEYELLOW BIN.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.JUST SORTING ALL THE --

YEAH, POINTS.

>> FINALLY A CLASSY RESPONSE.

>> Chris: A CLASSY RESPONSE.

I KNOW, POOR BARATUNDE IS REALLYTRYING TO KEEP IT CLASSY ON THE

SHOW AND WE ARE JUSTDRAGGING IT INTO THE DIRT.

>> IT'S A BALANCE.

>> JUST BLEEP SOME OF THE THINGSHE SAYS SO PEOPLE THINK HE'S

SWEARING.

[BLEEP] YOU, DOUG.

[BLEEP] YOU.

>> Chris: OKAY. MOVING ON.

HOW DID THIS MEDICAL EMERGENCYHAPPEN?

HOW DID THIS MEDICALEMERGENCY HAPPEN?

DOUG.

>> THAT IS NO EMERGENCY, THAT'SHOW THEY MAKE DEVILED HAM.

>> Chris: POINTS.

I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO THEEMERGENCY ROOM LIKE THAT.

>> I DON'T WANT TO LOOK AT ITBUT I CAN'T STOP LOOKING AT IT.

IT'S HYPNOTIC.

>> I GUESS THE PANTS WERE DOWNWHEN IT HAPPENED BECAUSE HOW

WOULD YOU --

TIME FOR THE NEXT GAME, GRANPASGONE WILD!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THE GREATEST GENERATION ISREVERED FOR WHAT THEY DID OVER

50 YEARS AGO.

BUT YOUR GRANDPARENTS ARE STILLDOING KICK ASS THINGS TODAY THAT

ARE WORTHY OF THAT MONIKER.

COMEDIANS I AM GOING TO DESCRIBETWO UNLIKELY SCENARIOS INVOLVING

A SENIOR CITIZEN, FOR 250 POINTSYOU HAVE TO TELL ME WHICH ONE

YOU THINK ACTUALLY HAPPENED. THE FIRST ONE, DID GRANDPA DRIVE

HIS MOTORIZED WHEELCHAIR LIKE ABOSS, OR GET A LAP DANCE IN HIS

WHEELCHAIR, DOUG BENSON.

>> HA HA.

I DON'T KNOW.

I THINK THE LAP DANCE IN THEWHEELCHAIR, THAT'S PROBABLY

HAPPENS A LOT.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT.

LET'S FIND OUT.

>> SO LET'S DO THE MOTORIZEDWHEEL CHAIR.

>> CHRIS: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> GO, GO, GO!

>> CHRIS: I THINK THAT'S JUSTROCKY SIX.

>> ADRIAN!

>> CHRIS: NEXT ONE, DID GRANDPAPERFORM "DRUNK IN LOVE" AT A

KAREOKE BAR-B-CUE OR DO A SPOTON DOG IMPRESSION FROM THE LOCAL

NEWS? DOUG.

OH, OLD PEOPLE.

I LIKE THE SPOT ON DOGIMPRESSION FOR THE LOCAL NEWS.

>> CHRIS: I KIND OF LIKE THATTOO.

LET'S FIND OUT.

>> I AM HOPING IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.

>> CHRIS: LET'S SEE.

>> AND THEY CAME DOWN THE--GRRRRR.

>> HOLY CRAP!

>> CHRIS: THAT POOR WOMAN.

THAT POOR IS LIKE, OH HE ISGOING TO DO THE DOG AGAIN.

THE NEXT ONE DID AN OLD MANWITH A WALKER JAYWALK DRUNK

ACROSS TO THE LAS VEGAS STRIP ORGET TURNT UP AT SPRING BREAK?

>> IT'S NOT WORKING.

IT'S NOT WORKING, BY THE WAY.

>> CHRIS: DOUG BENSON BY THE WAYIS THE FASTEST STONER YOU WILL

EVER MEET IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE.

IT IS UNBELIEVABLE.

>> I THINK IT GET IT NOW. ITHINK I GET IT NOW.

>> CHRIS: DOUG.

>> I FEEL BAD FOR ANYBODY WHOGOES DRUNK ACROSS THE LAS VEGAS

STRIP BECAUSE THAT IS VERYDANGEROUS BUT GETTING TURNT UP

AT SPRING BREAK, I WANT TO SEEIT.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, I WANT TO SEETHAT TOO, LET'S FIND OUT.

>> DO THE DOUGY! DO THE DOUGT.

>> OH, THAT IS TOO GOOD.

>> CHRIS: THAT IS JUSTIN BIEBER121ST BIRTHDAY.

>> SPARKLERS ARE NOT ALLOWED.

>> CHRIS: LAST ONE, DID AN OLDMAN SINK A HALF COURT SHOT

DURING A HALFTIME AT A LAKERSGAME OR NAIL A SLICK TRICK AT A

SKATE PARK?

DOUG BENSON.

>> I WANT TO SEE BOTH OF THESE.

>> BUT I ALSO I LIKE A GOODSLICK TRICK AT A SKATE PARK.

>> CHRIS: LET'S SEE IF SLICK OLDRICK DID A TRICK AT THE SKATE

PARK.

>> DUDE, DID YOU GET THAT?

>> THAT WAS THE BEST ONE.

>> OH, MY GOD.

YOU CAN PUT THAT ON YOU--

WAIT, ARE YOU FILMING?

>> I AM IN LOVE.

>> CHRIS: THAT'S ONE OF THOSEKIDS AND GRANDPA SWITCH BRAIN

MOVIES.

>> I AM SO GLAD THE DAD FROMFAMILY TIES IS DOING COOL STUFF.

>> CHRIS: THAT TRICK IS CALLED ASISSY BOUNCE OFF RAIL WITH

FINGER FLIP.

>> NOTHING SISSY ABOUT THAT. IWOULD (BLEEP) THAT GUY.

AS WE GO TO THE NEXT GAMEGROWING UP GEISEL.

GROWING UP GEISEL.

IT'S DR. SEUSS DAY TODAY, ISAY. OH, YAY!

HONORING THE BELOVED CHILDREN'SAUTHOR BEHIND THE CAT IN THE

HAT, HOW THE GRINCH STOLECHRISTMAS AND THIS LESSER-KNOWN

ADULT THEMED BOOK FROM THESEVENTIES, "THE SEVEN LADY

GODIVAS," ABOUT SEVEN NUDISTSISTERS.

OH THE BUSHES YOU WILL GROW.

AS A TRIBUTE TO THIS MASTER OFPOETRY WHOM WE LOVED AS KIDS AND

STILL ADMIRE AS ADULTS, I WANTYOU TO COME UP WITH AS MANY

GROWNUP DR. SEUSS BOOKS AS YOUCAN.

IN 60 SECONDS AND BEGIN!

DOUG BENSON.

>> PUSSY IN THE HAT.

>> CHRIS: OH, GOD. POINTS.JESUS.

BARATUNDE.

>> SNEATCHES GETS STEATCHES.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

JEN KIRKMAN,

>> ONE FISH, TWO FISH, RED WINEDOESN'T GO WITH WHITEFISH.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, POINTS.

JEN AGAIN.

>> OH, ALL THE PLACES YOU WILLGO IN A THERAPY SESSION.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BARATUNDE.

>> ONE IN THE FISH, TWO IN THESTINK.

>> Chris: POINTS.

REALLY? TWO IN THE STINK?

I THINK YOU WOULD APPRECIATE ITIF IT WAS THE OTHER WAY AROUND.

DOUG BENSON.

>> HORTON HATES THE JEWS?

>> Chris: NO HE DOESN'T.