Comedy Central Presents
Season 10

CC Presents: Kyle Cease

  • Season 10, Ep 24
  • 05/11/2006

THANK YOU. OH MY GOD, THIS IS THE COOLEST THING EVER.

AND THEN YOU'RE ALL HERE AND THEN THERE'S BALCONIES

AND THEN THERE'SA THIRD BALCONY JUST INCASE THE FIRST ONE

BREAKS DOWN. I THINK THAT'S SO AWESOME. I'M JUST KIDDING-- PSYCH.

REMEMBER PSYCHFROM ELEMENTARY SCHOOL?

HEY, YOU'RE COOL-- PSYCH. I HATE YOU, BITCH.

I THINK WE NEEDTO BRING PSYCH BIZZACK.

AND BIZZACK IS RAP FOR BACK. I LEARNED A LOT OF RAP.

AND I DIDN'T LIKE IT ORIGINALLY 'TIL I REALIZED IT SPEAKS THE TRUTH.

BECAUSE ONE DAY I BOUGHT A SHAKE AND THESE BOYS CAME INTO MY YARD.

AND I WAS LIKE, "GET OUT OF MY YARD, BOYS."

- [LAUGHTER] - HOW FUNNY IS THAT JOKE?

I'M JUST KIZZIDING. RAP FOR KIDDING.

WE HAVE SO MUCH STUFF IN KIZZOMMO RAP FOR COMMON.

I LIKE YOU GUYS A LOT, 'CAUSE YOU'RE YOUNG.

ANYBODY REMEMBER RECESS?DON'T YOU MISS RECESS?

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]- I MISS RECESS SO MUCH.

I FEEL LIKE AS WE GET OLDERWE SHOULD HAVE RECESS.

NOW THAT WE HAVE LIKE WARS AND VISA BILLS,

WE SHOULD HAVE 15 MINUTES ON THE SLIDE EVERY DAY.

YOU GO TO PLAY A GAME OF RED ROVER AND THE GIRLS ARE LIKE,

[HIGH VOICE] "BOYS AGAINST GIRLS."

AND THAT'S HOW THEY TALKAND THEIR HIPS CAME OUT.

AND YOU'RE LIKE OKAY,AND THEN YOU GO OUTSIDE.

AND AT THAT AGE, ALL THE GUYS WERE LIKE 4'2"

AND ALL THE GIRLSWERE LIKE 6'10", RIGHT?

AND IT GOT BRUTAL BECAUSESUZIE JUST GOT HER FIRST PERIOD

AND SHE'S PISSED, YOU KNOW. AND-- YEAH,

YOU GOT IN THE BATTLE OF THE CENTURY.

AND YOU GO TO THESCHOOL NURSE'S OFFICE.

AND ELEMENTARY SCHOOLHAD THE CRAPPIEST DOCTORS EVER.

YOU COULD GO IN THERE ON FIRE AND SHE'D BE LIKE,

"WELL, I CAN'T GIVE YOU ANY ASPIRIN.

"TRY LYING DOWN ON THE UNCOMFORTABLE COT FOR TEN MINUTES.

"DON'T WORRY, I'LL GIVE YOU A CRAPPY BROWN PAPER TOWEL

FOR YOUR FOREHEAD." AND THEN YOU REMEMBER THOSE

BROWN CHEMISTRY CLASS PAPER TOWELS THAT WE HAD

THAT WERE ACTUALLY WATER REPELLENT?

YOU COULDN'T PICK WATER UP AT ALL WITH THOSE THINGS.

YOU JUST PUSHED IT AROUND THE TABLE ALL DAY UNTIL IT FELL OFF.

YOU'RE LIKE, "HMMM, HMMM, I MOVED IT 'CAUSE OF ME."

AND THAT'S WHAT I USED TO SAY.

I ALWAYS FELT BAD GOING TO THE NURSE'S OFFICE

'CAUSE I NEVERREALLY WAS SICK.

I JUST WANTED TO GET OUT OF DOING STUFF.

I ALWAYS ENDED UP NEXT TOTHAT KID WHO WITH TUBES

COMING OUT OF HIS ASS AND HE'S THROWING UP INTO A BUCKET.

I'M HAVING DIARRHEA INTO A TUBE AND I THREW UP THREE TIMES,

WHAT DO YOU HAVE? AND I'M LIKE "I HAVE A TEST COMING UP."

AND I HAVE TO RUNTHE MILE WITH YOU BUDDY,SO HERE'S YOUR FINGER.

YOU MIGHT WANNA HOLD ON TO THAT.

I MADE HIM A LEPER. I THOUGHT THAT'D BE FUNNY IF HE WAS A LEPER.

- WOULDN'T THAT BE FUN? - [LAUGHTER]

IT'S PRETTY FUN, RIGHT, SIR? HIGH FIVE, HE'S A LEPER.

COME HERE. NO, YOU GOTTA-- WHAT'S THIS LAZY [BLEEP]?

IT-- ARRRH--MAAAA-- I LIKE--

COME SLAP MY HAND BECAUSE WE'RE FRIENDS.

I'M JUST KIDDING-- PSYCH, I HATE YOU.

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] - SO, THAT'S FUN.

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]- YEAH.

HOW GREAT WAS THE ORIGINAL NINTENDO?

THEY TRIED TO COME OUT WITH THEIR NEW SYSTEM

AND THAT WASN'T-- I CAN'T DO THAT ON CAMERA.

THIS WAS-- I PLAY A LOT OF DICE IN VEGAS.

YEAH, IF IT WERE WHAT YOU THINK IT WAS, IT WOULD BE LIKE,

WHOA, 'CAUSE I HAVE A VERY CURVY PENIS

BUT HERE'S THE THING. THE ORIGINAL NINTENDO

WAS THE BEST SYSTEM EVER 'CAUSE IT'S THE ONLY SYSTEM

THAT IF IT DIDN'T WORK,YOU COULD FIX IT

BY BLOWING INTO IT ALL DAY.

- [BLOWING NOISES]- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU'D TRY TO DO IT FAST FIRST, AND WHEN THAT DIDN'T WORK.

AND ONLY YOU COULD FIX YOUR OWN NINTENDO

FOR SOME REASON, RIGHT? YOUR FRIENDS WOULD TRY TO DO IT

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "THAT'S NOT HOW YOU DO IT, JACKASS.

YOU HAVE TO SLIDE IT TOWARDSTHE EDGE AND TO THE RIGHT

AND YOU HAVE TO PLAY EASY LISTENING MUSIC.

THERE'S A BOOK THAT I SHOVE IN HERE.

WHERE'S STEPHEN KING'S "IT"?

WE CAN'T PLAY SUPER MARIO BROTHERS."

THERE'S LIKE FIVE OR SIX NERDS THINKING, "STEPHEN KING'S "IT"

WOULD BE WAY TOO BIGTO SHOVE INTO A NINTENDO.

EVEN PAPERBACK YOU COULDN'T DO THAT AT-- [JIBBERISH.]"

THAT'S YOU GUYS--I'M JUST KIDDING-- PSYCH.

SO, THE BEST PART OF NINTENDO WAS THE CODES.

WE HAD CODES THAT GOT US TOTHE END OF THE GAME IMMEDIATELY.

WHY CAN'T WE HAVE THAT IN REAL LIFE?

JUST ONCE I'D LIKE TO BE ON A DATE WITH A CHICK

AND WHEN SHE STARTS TALKING ABOUT HER CATS AND SHE'S LIKE,

"AND THIS CAT LIKES CORNAND THIS ONE HAS DIARRHEA

AND THIS ONE CAN FIGHT CRIME." I CAN BE LIKE, "UP, UP, DOWN,

DOWN, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, BA SELECT START."

AND I'M IN BED WITH HER WITH NO MORE CATS,

I'M NOW [BLEEP] OF HER. THANK YOU.

I'M [BLEEP] OF HER. THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT'S RIGHT. LIKE A VAGINA. LIKE A VAGINA. LIKE A VAGINA,

I'M [BLEEP] OF HER VAGINA AND WE'RE HAVING FUN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO IT'S SO NICE TO PERFORMIN AN ACTUAL CITY.

USUALLY I DO A LOT OF COLLEGES ON THE ROAD AND IT'S CRAZY.

- AH, HA, HA, HA, HA!- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

THEY ALWAYS PUT THESE COLLEGESIN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.

DID YOU NOTICE THAT?

THEY ALWAYS PUT THE COLLEGESIN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE

AND THEY ALWAYS TELL THESE KIDS,

"HEY, DON'T DRINK AND DON'T DO DRUGS AND DON'T HAVE SEX."

AND THEY MAKE ITSO THEY HAVE TO.

IT'S LIKE YOUR CHOICES ARE WAL-MART OR SUZIE.

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "HMMM, BOTH ARE ALWAYS OPEN.

LIKE A VAGINA." COME HERE, LIKE A VAGINA.

THAT'S RIGHT, BITCH, LIKE A VAGINA.

OH, WE'RE HAVING FUN. OH MY GOD.

ISN'T IT WEIRD THAT WE HAVEOUR OWN GENERATION NOW?

LIKE OUR COMMERCIALS WERE DIFFERENT TEN YEARS AGO

THAN THEY ARE NOW.

SUNNY DELIGHT RAN THE BESTCOMMERCIAL CAMPAIGN EVER.

EVERY SUNNY DELIGHT COMMERCIAL WAS THE SAME THING.

THREE KIDS IN THE BACKYARD AND THEN ONE OF THEM'S LIKE,

"WHAT DO YOU GOT TO DRINK IN THE FRIDGE!"

LIKE SO EXCITEDABOUT THE CRAPPY FRIDGE.

AND THEN THEY GO TOTHE FRIDGE AND IT'S LIKE,

"WELL, WE GOT SOME SODA, SOME PURPLE STUFF, SUNNY D!"

AND IT WAS IN THE BACK OF THE FRIDGE BEHIND BRAND X SODA

AND SOME PURPLE CRAP THAT THEY CAN'T EVEN IDENTIFY.

OF COURSE YOU'RE GONNA PICK SUNNY D.

THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT IT'S A GOOD DRINK, YOU GUYS.

IF YOU CAME TO MY HOUSEAND YOU'RE LIKE,

"WHAT DO YOU GOT TO DRINK?" AND I'M LIKE,

"WELL, WE GOT SOME KETCHUP, SOME GRAVY, AND MY GRANDMA'S PISS,

- SUNNY D!" - [LAUGHTER]

YOU'D BE LIKE, "IS THERE ANY LEAD IN YOUR WATER?

'CAUSE I HATE ALL FOUR OF THOSE THINGS."

THAT SHOULD'VE BEENSUNNY DELIGHT'S SLOGAN:

SUNNY D: FOR WHEN YOUR CHOICES ARE EVEN WORSE THAN SUNNY D.

SUNNY D TASTED A LITTLE BITLIKE A FAT CLOWN'S ASS-[BLEEP].

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE TASTED IT.

WHO CAME UP WITH SUNNY DAND WAS HAPPY?

SOME GUY WAS LIKE, "I LIKE THE TASTE OF

ORANGE JUICE AND BABY MEDICINE.

CAN WE COMBINE THAT?"

THAT WOULD TASTE LIKE SHIZZY NIZZY.

THAT'S RAP FOR [BLEEP].

WHAT OTHER COMMERCIALS-- I LIKE HOW BEER COMPANIES

ALWAYS ADVERTISEHOW COLD THEIR BEER IS.

- WOULDN'T THAT BE UP TO US? - [LAUGHTER]

LIKE, "WHEN YOU WANT A BEER THAT'S REALLY COLD."

I'M LIKE, "YEAH, IF I PUT IT IN THE FRIDGE, ASS-[BLEEP],

THAT'S MY DECISION, NOT YOU."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I THINK THE PROBLEM ISTHIS COUNTRY'S SPLIT RIGHT NOW.

I THINK IF YOU'RE A REPUBLICAN-- WELL, YOU'RE WRONG--

BUT I THINK IF YOU'RE A REPUBLICAN--

I'M JUST KIDDING-- I'M JUST KIDDING.

I OWN LIKE FOUR REPUBLICANS IN CASE THREE BREAK DOWN.

BUT I THINK IF YOU'RE A REPUBLICAN THAT'S AWESOME.

I THINK IF YOU'RE A DEMOCRAT THAT'S AWESOME.

I JUST THINK WE NEED TO VOTE. WE NEED TO VOTE A LOT.

MY FAVORITE THING TO VOTE ON-- THANK YOU, BOTH OF YOU.

MY FAVORITE THING TO VOTE ON, ARE THE INITIATIVES.

YOU KNOW, THE PROPOSITIONS

WHERE YOU'LL SEEAN ARGUMENT FOR ONE SIDE

AND YOU'RE LIKE "THAT'S A GOOD POINT."

AND THEN YOU'LL SEE AN ARGUMENT FOR THE OTHER SIDE

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "THAT'S A GOOD POINT, TOO,"

AND YOU NEVER KNOW WHICH WAY TO VOTE.

I THINK WE NEED A FEW THAT IT'S JUST OBVIOUS

WHICH WAY TO VOTE, RIGHT OFF THE BAT.

LIKE WOULDN'T IT BE COOL IF IT WAS LIKE,

"PROPOSITION 97, SHOULD WE CONTINUE TO NOT EAT BABIES?"

RIGHT THERE, YOU'D BE LIKE, "I DON'T WANT TO EAT BABIES.

I DON'T HAVE TIME. THEY'RE NOT DELICIOUS.

IT WOULD BE EATING BABIES. AND THAT'S WEIRD TO ME.

SO THERE'S 3 REASONS THAT I'VECOME UP WITH THAT I'M VOTING NO.

BUT THE WAY THEY PHRASE THOSE THINGS GOING IN TO VOTE

YOU DON'T KNOWWHICH WAY YOU'RE VOTING.BECAUSE IT'S ALWAYS,

"SHOULD WE NOT EAT UNBABIES, NOT ON THIS NOT DAY."

AND YOU'RE JUST SITTING THERE LIKE,

"[BLEEP], I DON'T WANT TO EAT BABIES," YOU KNOW.

I DON'T HAVE TIME, THEY'RE NOT DELICIOUS, REMEMBER MY REASONS?

I HAD LIKE THREE. SO YOU VOTE NO ON IT

AND THEN IT'S ON THE NEWS THE NEXT DAY,

"WELL, 74% OF AMERICANS DECIDED IT'S TIME TO EAT BABIES!"

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

THIS IS MY NEW POSITION. I SPEAK LIKE THIS.

PART OF THE PROBLEM IS PROBABLY RELIGION.

I THINK IF YOU'RE RELIGIOUS.THAT'S AWESOME.

AND I THINK IF YOU'RE NOT,THAT'S AWESOME.

I THINK PEOPLE SHOULD RESPECT WHAT EVERYONE ELSE BELIEVES.

AND WE SHOULD LOVE EACH OTHER,YOU KNOW?

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

AND WE NEED A CURE FOR AIDS.

THANK YOU SO MUCH. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THAT CANCER'S A BITCH. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I THINK THAT IF YOU'RE RELIGIOUSTHAT'S AWESOME,

IF YOU'RE NOT, THAT'S AWESOME.

I THINK THAT THE PROBLEM IS PEOPLE DON'T KNOW FOR SURE

IF THEY CAN BELIEVE A LOT OF THE THINGS IN THE BIBLE.

LIKE PEOPLE DON'T KNOW FOR SURE

IF GOD AND VIRGIN MARYMADE BABY JESUS.

AND THE REASON THEYDON'T KNOW THAT FOR SURE

IS WE DIDN'T HAVE MAURY POVITCH BACK THEN DOING THE PATERNITY TEST.

AND THAT WOULD'VE BEEN A FANTASTIC EPISODE.

MAURY POVITCH HAS VIRGIN MARY AND HE'S LIKE,

"SO TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED."AND SHE'S LIKE,

"WELL, WE WERE DRUNK AND AT A PARTY,

"I DIDN'T EVEN MEAN TO GET DRUNK.

"I HAD WATER AND IT BECAME WINE.

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELLHAPPENED THERE.

"I THOUGHT HE WAS SEXY'CAUSE HE WAS SHOWING ME

"THINGS HE INVENTED,LIKE GRAVITY. AND WE HAD SEX."

AND THEN IT CUTS TO A SPLIT SCREEN

AND GOD'S BACKSTAGE GOING,"THIS IS BULL-[BLEEP].

I DIDN'T HOOK UP WITH HER!"

AND THEY'RE LIKE BLURRING OUT HIS MIDDLE FINGER,

BUT HE'S UNBLURRING IT'CAUSE HE'S GOD

AND HE CAN DO STUFF LIKE THAT. AND THEN MAURY POVITCH IS LIKE,

"ALL RIGHT GOD, COME ON OUT HERE."

AND GOD COMES OUT AND EVERYONE'S BOOING HIM

'CAUSE MAYBE HE'S A DEADBEAT GOD. I DON'T KNOW.

IT SAYS NOTHING IN THE BIBLE ABOUT CHILD SUPPORT.

IT'S NOT LIKE "CHAPTER NINE, GOD SAID, 350 A MONTH COOL?"

NEVER HAPPENED, IT'S NOT IN THERE.

IT DID SAY, "GOD SAID 'LET THERE BE LIGHT.'"

AND I WAS THINKING, "I'M SURE HE DID,

BUT WHO WAS HE TALKING TO?" WASN'T HE BY HIMSELF?

IT'S NOT LIKE I STANDALONE IN MY KITCHEN.

"LET THERE BE CHEESY MACARONI." OKAY, NOW I MAKE IT.

FIRST, I YELL OUT THE STUFF I'M ABOUT TO MAKE,

THAT WAY I KNOW IT'S COMING. AND THEN I TASTE IT,

I'M LIKE, "AND IT WAS GOOD. I APPROVE OF MY MACARONI."

YOU GUYS LIKE WEIRD JOKES. I'M GONNA DO SOME WEIRD JOKES.

THEY'LL JUST LIKE PAINT A FACE ON IT,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

BUT SOME PEOPLE WON'T EVEN DO THAT.

THEY'LL PAINT A FACE BUT IT WON'T EVEN BE ON A PUMPKIN.

IT'LL BE LIKE ON A PIECE OF PAPER.

BUT SOME PEOPLE WON'T EVEN DO THAT.

THEY'LL TAKE LIKE A BUNCH OF WORDS

AND PUT THAT ON A PIECE OF PAPER

AND IT'LL BE LIKE AN ESSAY ON BEN FRANKLIN

OR SOME [BLEEP], YOU KNOW.

AND THEN THEY'LL HAND IT IN AT SCHOOL AND IT WON'T EVEN

BE HALLOWEEN-- IT'S LIKE--NICE JACK-O'-LANTERN, JACKASS.

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] - YOU LIKE THAT JOKE?

OKAY-- COOL, AWESOME. OKAY, TWO MORE WEIRD ONES

AND THEN BACK TO GREATEST HITS AGAIN.

AND I HAVE GREATEST HITS, TRUST ME, RIGHT?

LIKE VAGINA. THIS GUY KNOWS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

LIKE A VAGINA, HELL YEAH. OKAY TWO MORE WEIRD ONES.

I HATE WHENEVER YOU GO INTO A COFFEE SHOP, NO MATTER WHAT YOU ORDER,

THEY HAVE THEIR OWN WAY OF CALLING IT TO THE BACK.

LIKE YOU COULD BE LIKE, "HEY, I'LL HAVE A TALL MOCHA ICED LATTE BLENDED FUN."

AND THEN THELADY'S LIKE, "[BAAAAA].

- ANYTHING ELSE?" - [LAUGHTER]

THAT'S WEIRD AND YOU LIKE IT, OKAY. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

OKAY, HERE'S ANOTHER ONE.

I SAW HULK HOGANTHE OTHER DAY IN A PARKING LOT.

AND I COULDN'T TELL FROM A DISTANCE IF IT WAS HULK HOGAN OR NOT

AND I REALIZED I'VE NEVER HAD THAT DILEMMA BEFORE.

I'VE ALWAYS BEEN ABLETO TELL IMMEDIATELY WHEN

LOOKING AT ANYBODY IF THEY WERE OR WERE NOT HULK HOGAN.

- [LAUGHTER]- AHHH! OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

OKAY, HERE'S MY BEST IMPRESSION EVER.

PEOPLE ASK ME TO DO A LOT OF IMPRESSIONS.

THIS IS AN IMPRESSION OF A COLOMBIAN DRUG DEALER, OKAY,

LISTING HIS FAVORITE MEMBER THE JACKSON FIVE

AFTER SHAVING HIS THROAT HAIRS NEXT TO AN ELLIPTICAL MACHINE.

[LAUGHTER]

[BUZZING]

- TITO.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

THAT'S THAT. IT'S PRETTY GOOD.

IT'S TOTALLY WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE. THANK YOU.

IN THE LOCKER ROOM AT THE GYM, THE MORE NAKED YOU HAVE TO BE?

I DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT STARTED.

IT'S TRUE, ISN'T IT? EVERY TIME YOU GO IN--

LIKE LITTLE KIDS WILL BE FULLY CLOTHED AND THEY'RE LIKE,

"DON'T LOOK AT ME-- WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME?"

YOU KNOW TEENAGERS ALWAYS ARE JUST IN THEIR UNDERWEAR.

MIDDLE-AGED PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS NAKED

BUT THEY HOLD A TOWEL IN FRONT.

BUT OLD PEOPLE JUST-- "YEEEAH! WOOOO!"

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] - [THUMP, THUMP THUMP...]

LIKE I DON'T WANT TO SEE THAT OLDIE MCOLDERTON FROM OLDVILLE.

PUT YOUR MICROPHONE PENIS AWAY.YOU KNOW?

LIKE A VAGINA. LIKE A VAGINA. I MADE HIS PENIS LIKE A VAGINA.

A LITTLE CURVEBALL, THAT'S WHAT WE CALL IN COMEDY A CURVEBALL.

AND THIS IS WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S A CIRCLE UP HERE.

PSYCH-- I'M JUST KIDDING. IT'S NIZZOT.

MY FRIEND CALLED MEAND HE'S THE KIND OF GUY

THAT GETS WAY TOO EXCITED ABOUT COINCIDENCES.

LIKE BIRTHDAYS--LIKE WHEN'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, BRO.

- SEPTEMBER. - SEPTEMBER WHAT?

- TWENTY-SEVENTH. - THAT'S SO WEIRD, MINE'S JULY 8th!

WHAT ARE YOU, A VIRGO? I'M AN ASTRONAUT.

THOSE ARE BOTH THINGS. THAT'S SO WEIRD.

SO MY FRIEND CALLED MEBECAUSE HE HAD APPLIED

AT A VIDEO STORE AND PUT ME DOWN AS A REFERENCE.

I GUESS TO GIVE METHE BIG HEADS UP IN CASEBLOCKBUSTER VIDEO CALLS.

LIKE I'M NOT GONNA KNOWWHAT THE HELL TO DO.

"HEY, THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO, DO YOU THINK GARY

WOULD BE A GOOD GUY TO HIRE?" "NO! I WISH I'D BEEN WARNED."

[LAUGHTER]

WHY ARE WE ALLOWED TO PUT OUR FRIENDS DOWN AS A REFERENCE?

THEY'LL ALWAYS HAVE YOUR BACK.

YOU SHOULD HAVE TO PUT YOUR ENEMIES DOWN.

THAT WOULD BE SUCH A BETTER PHONE CALL, WOULDN'T IT?

"HEY, DO YOU THINK KYLE WOULD BE A GOOD GUY TO HIRE?"

"YEAH, IF YOU WANT HIM TO [BLEEP] YOUR WIFE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"IF YOU'RE RUNNINGA DOG MURDERING COMPANY,

I ABSOLUTELY RECOMMEND KYLE." YOU EVER GO INTO A RESTAURANT,

THEY ALWAYS HAVE THE OTHER ONE?

EVERY TIME IT'S LIKE, "YEAH, COULD I HAVE A COKE?"

"PEPSI OKAY?"

"I'LL HAVE A SPITE." "7UP OKAY?"

"COULD I HAVE A SLURPEE?""ICEE?"

"COULD I HAVE SOME SALT?" "MRS. DASH."

"CAN I TALK TO THE OWNER?""MANAGER OKAY?"

"COULD YOU SHUT UP?" "BE QUIET OKAY."

"KISS MY ASS." "[BLEEP]?"

IT'S LIKE, "NO, I WANTED KISS MY ASS."

THE GREATEST RESTAURANT,AND I KNOW A LOT OF YOU AGREE,

TACO BELL. THAT'S THE BEST RESTAURANT EVER.

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - IT'S SO GREAT.

AND I LOVE DELICIOUS TACO BELL.

BECAUSE YOU CAN ORDER THE WATER AND GET THE CUP AND GO TO

THE OTHER END OF THE STORE AND FILL IT WITH COKE, RIGHT?

IT'S JUST ME AND YOU, APPARENTLY.

AND EVERYONE ELSE IN HEREIS LIKE, "I LIKE CORN."

BUT NOT YOU, YOU HATE CORN.

AND I REALIZED SOMETHING ABOUT DOING THAT,

AND YOU SHOULD TAKE NOTE, THAT'S NOT FAIR...

TO THE PEOPLE IN DRIVE-THRU-- SO--

I WENT INTO THEDRIVE-THRU AND I SAID,

"HI, I'D LIKE TO ORDER WATER,

BUT I WANT YOUTO FILL IT WITH COKE."

AND SHE GOES, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"

BECAUSE YOU KNOW HOW TEENAGE GIRLS TALK, RIGHT?

THE OTHER DAY WE'REWALKING DOWN THE STREET

AND I SAW TOM AND I SAW HIM AND I WAS ALL,

"HI," AND I WAS ALL MMMM, AND HE WAS LIKE MMM-HMM.

WHERE DO WE LEARN TO TALK LIKE THAT?

OUR ROLE MODELS DON'T.IT'S NOT LIKE WE'VE BEEN

WATCHING CLINTON FOR THE LASTTWELVE YEARS. YOU KNOW?

"IT'S TIME FOR ME TO GO."

AND WHEN I HEARD THAT I WAS ALL, "MMM-HMM."

AND HILLARY WAS ALL MMM-HMM. AND MONICA WAS LIKE AHHHHH."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND TRY TO TURN ON THE TV? IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

THEY HAVE LIKE 45 REMOTE CONTROLS, RIGHT?

HAVE YOU EVER HAD YOUR FRIEND TELL YOU TO TURN ON THE TV

AND THEN HE LEAVES ANDYOU'RE JUST LIKE, "OH [BLEEP]."

JUST PICK UP A REMOTE,PUSH A BUTTON,

AND THEIR BLENDER STARTS RUNNING, YOU KNOW.

PUSH ANOTHER REMOTE AND THEIR DOG DIES.

AND YOU'RE LIKE "YOU HAVE A BUTTON FOR THAT?

YOU HAVE A DOG DEATH BUTTON? THAT'S SO AWKWARD FOR ME."

I USED TO WORK AT MCDONALDS.

I'LL NEVER FORGET WHEN I WAS RUNNING THE DRIVE-THRU--

HAS ANYONE EVER WORKEDAT MCDONALDS. ANYBODY?

- [CLAPPING]- YEAH?

DID SOMEONE JUST SAY NO? I HEARD SOMEONE GO, "NO."

LIKE WE'RE DOING ITBY ELIMINATION.

NO, HOW ABOUT YOU? NO, NOTHING?

THERE'S GOTTA BEA QUICKER WAY.

DID YOU WORK AT MCDONALDS? WHAT POSITION DID YOU WORK?

- CASHIER. - CASHIER?

WHEN YOU WORKED IN THEFIRST WINDOW IN THE DRIVE-THRU,

WAS THAT CALLED "WORKING THE HOLE"?

WE CALLED IT "WORKING THE HOLE"

'CAUSE IT WAS JUST A SEPARATEAREA AND WE'D BE LIKE,

"I'M GONNA GO WORK THE HOLE. NO BIG DEAL."

BUT APPARENTLY THEYDIDN'T CALL IT THAT ATEVERY SINGLE MCDONALDS.

AND I DIDN'T KNOW THAT, AND I FOUND OUT WHEN LIKE--

A MONTH AGO-- MY DAD AND I WENT THROUGH

A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT MCDONALDS DRIVE-THRU.

MY DAD GOT THE CHANGE FROM THE LADY,

LOOKED AT HER AND HE GOES, "SO, HOW'S THE HOLE?"

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]- AND SHE GOES, "WHAT?"

MY DAD GOES, "YOU KNOW. HOW'S THE HOLE."

AND SHE GOES, "FINE."

WHICH IS WEIRDSHE ANSWERED IT, RIGHT?

"A LITTLE ITCHY. DO YOU KNOW STEVE?"

SO ANYWAY, MY DADDOESN'T SEE WHAT'S WRONG HERE.

THIS IS THE NEXT THING HE SAID, I SWEAR TO GOD.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND HE GOES,

"IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE KEEPING IT CLEAN."

YOU HAVE TO LEAVEAT THAT POINT.

YOU CAN'T BUY BIG MACS. BEFORE I GO,

PERFORMING WITH YOU GUYS AND FOR YOU GUYS

THAT I PUT TOGETHER AS A LITTLE BONUS TRIZZEAT,

AND THAT'S RAP FOR TREAT, I PUT TOGETHER A MONTAGE

OF ALL THE MEMORIES THAT WE'VE MADE TONIGHT.

'CAUSE WE HAD A LOT OF FUN,RIGHT? YOU WERE THERE.

FROM-- REMEMBER WHEN I-- OKAY-- SO--

THIS IS MY MONTAGE FOR YOU GUYS. GO FOR IT.

[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING INTRO]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ OH YEAH, AND THIS PART

♪ OOH

♪♪

♪ OOH

♪ KYLE CEASE

♪ KYLE CEASE

♪ KYLE CEASE

THANK YOU SO MUCH. I LOVE YOU GUYS.

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