Pussy on the Chainwax

  • Season 3, Ep 13
  • 12/18/2013

Some friends argue over whether a new slang phrase is a "thing," a man learns the truth about his father's Hollywood past, and the valets come to Anne Hathaway's defense.

- I SAW ON THE NEWS TODAY,

TALKING ABOUT THE VIOLENCEIN FOREIGN COUNTRIES.

TALKING ABOUT ALL THE SAVAGERYUP IN THE WORLD,

BUT THEY AIN'T NEVERTALK ABOUT SOUTH CENTRAL.

AIN'T NEVER TALK ABOUTWHAT HAPPENED TO MY BROTHER.

NOW HE'S GONE.

NOW I AIN'T GOT NO BROTHER.

- YO, DOG.

I'LL BE YOUR BROTHER.

- REALLY?

- ABSOLUTELY, DOG.

YOU'RE GONNA NEED SOMEBODYTO LEAN ON.

YOU CAN'T JUST BEWALKING AROUND HERE

WITH THIS EMPTINESSIN YOUR HEART, MAN.

AN EMPTINESS THAT CAN ONLYBE FILLED BY A BROTHER.

- OKAY.

- BROTHERS, MAN?- BROTHERS!

- GET IT IN HERE, DOG.- COME OVER HERE.

- YOU GOT TO GET IT IN THERE,DOG.

- I GOT TO TUCK IT, MAN.[sighs]

- TUCK IT, TUCK IT, TUCK IT.

BROTHERS, MAN.

COME HERE, MAN.

WHY THE [bleep] YOU KEEPFOLLOWING ME AROUND, MAN?

WHY DON'T YOU GO HOMEAND STAY OUT OF MY ROOM?

DON'T MESS WITH MY MODELS.

I'M ABOUT TO GET A WEDGIE UP

IN THIS MOTHER[bleep]RIGHT HERE.

- WHAT THE--HEY!

HEY! GET THE [bleep]OFF ME, MAN.

- GIVE ME THE WEDGIE--HEY.

- HEY.

YOU DON'T GIVE A GROWN MANA WEDGIE.

MOTHER[bleep],I'M 34 YEARS OLD.

I GOT GRANDCHILDREN.

[soul music]

- WHOA.

- MAN, I FELT SORRYFOR THAT DUDE,

BUT, YOU KNOW,WHAT YOU GONNA DO?

I HAD TO LAYTHAT [bleep] DOWN.

[laughter]YOU KNOW I DID, DOG.

- WHAT?THAT [bleep] LAY YOU DOWN.

- HEY, BROTHER, I DON'T KNOWWHAT FIGHT YOU WAS AT.

THAT [bleep] GOTA COUPLE LICKS IN, SURE.

BUT PFFT, I WAS LIKE, BIP!

[laughter]

MAN, I PUT THE PUSSYON THE CHAIN WAX.

[both howling]

PUT THE PUSSY ON THE--both: THE CHAIN WAX.

- I PUT THE PUSSYON THE CHAIN WAX.

all: I PUT THE PUSSYON THE CHAIN WAX.

- PUSSY ON THE CHAIN WAX?- HMM?

- IS THAT A THING?

- WELL, YEAH. THAT--YEAH.

THAT'S A--THAT'S A THING.

- YEAH.- YEAH, THAT'S SOMETHING.

- OKAY.

- YEAH, I PUT THE PUSSYON THE CHAIN WAX.

- PUSSY ON THE CHAIN WAX!

- I SAID I PUT THE PUSSYON THE CHAIN WAX!

- HE PUT THE PUSSYON THE CHAIN WAX.

- PUSSY ON THE CHAIN WAX.- PUSSY ON THE CHAIN WAX.

- UH, PUSSY COMING IN.

THIS IS THE CHAIN WAX.- HOLD UP.

[laughter]HOLD UP.

I JUST, UM, GOOGLED"PUSSY ON THE CHAIN WAX."

NO RESULTS.

- MAN, UM,WHY ARE YOU GOOGLING?

- NO, I'M JUST SAYING.

"PUSSY ON THE CHAIN WAX,"IT'S NOT AN EXPRESSION.

- YE--YEAH IT IS.

- YEAH, IT IS.- YES, THANK YOU.

- IT'S SOMETHING, LEO.- YEAH.

- WHAT IT--WHAT IT--WHAT DOES IT MEAN THEN?

- WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IT MEANS.- DO IT, DO IT.

- IT MEANS THAT...

IS THAT YOU PUT THE...

all: PUSSY ON THE CHAIN WAX!

[overlapping chatter]

- NOPE, NOPE.

both: PUSSY ON THE CHAIN WAX!

- IT'S NOT--DON'T--

- PUSSY ON THE CHAIN WAX!- PUSSY ON THE CHAIN WAX.

- ACTING LIKE Y'ALL KNOWWHAT IT IS--

OKAY, HAVE EITHEROF THE TWO OF YOU--

HAVE YOU EVER SAID THE WORDS

"PUSSY ON THE CHAIN WAX"IN ANY CONTEXT?

- PFFT, US?- PFFT.

HE--HE TALKING TO YOU.- MAN--

- HE AIN'T TALKING TO ME.

- [exhales]- HEY, MAN.

IT'S NOT OUR FAULTTHAT YOU AIN'T NEVER PUT THE...

all: PUSSY ON THE CHAIN WAX!

[all cheering]- PUSSY ON THE CHAIN WAX!

- NO ONE CAN PUT THE PUSSYON THE CHAIN WAX

'CAUSE PUSSY ON THE CHAIN WAXAIN'T A THING!

YOU TRYING TO START A THING,AREN'T YOU?

- WHA--ME--[laughs]

I MEAN, WHAT ARE YOU TALKINGABOUT, TRYING TO START A THING?

- A THING,LIKE "OFF THE HOOK"

OR "I'MA PUT YOU ON BLAST."

YOU TRYING TO GET ITIN THE ETHER,

SO EVERYBODY OUT THERE SAYING"PUSSY ON THE CHAIN WAX."

- MAN, WHY ARE YOUDOING THIS?

WHY YOU LOOKING UP[bleep] I'M SAYING AND--

AND FACT-CHECKING MY ASSAND [bleep]?

- YOU KEEP SAYING SOME [bleep]THAT DOESN'T EXIST,

AND YOU GOT THING ONEAND THING TWO

CORROBORATING YOUR STORYLIKE IT DOES,

AND THEN--WHY YOU LYING THEN?

IT'S BULL[bleep]!

- BODIE...

WHY DO YOU CARE SO MUCH

WHETHER I MADE UP"PUSSY ON THE CHAIN WAX" OR NOT?

I LOST MY JOB.

MY GIRL LEFT ME.

AND ALL I W--ALL I WANTED TO DO

WAS HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF FUNWITH MY FRIENDS TODAY.

SO WHY--WHY DO YOU HA--

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BELITTLE MELIKE THAT?

- [sighs]

IT'S JUST THAT I--- YEAH?

- I'M JUST TRYING TO SAY--

- WHAT YOU TRYING TO SAY,[bleep]?

- I'M TRYING TO SAY

THAT I WANTTO PUT THE PUSSY...

all: ON THE CHAIN WAX!

[laughter]

- HE DID IT, YO.HE PUT THE...

all: PUSSY ON THE CHAIN WAX!- YEAH!

- SO, UH, YEAH.

I GOT, LIKE,30-SOMETHING FOLLOWERS.

I'M UP TO, LIKE,15 TWEETS A DAY.

SO IF YOU WANTED TO, UM,FOLLOW--ALL RIGHT.

- NO, NO, NO, NO!

- WHAT?- THEY HATING ON THE HATHAWAYS.

- THEY HATING ON THE HATHAWAYS?

- THEY STRAIGHT HATINGON ANNIE HATHAWAYS.

- THAT'S YOUR GIRL, DOG!- I KNOW THAT'S MY GIRL, DOG.

- ANNIE HATHAWAYSFROM DEVIL WEARS PRADAS?

- THEY HATING ON HER.

- NICHOLAS NICKLEBYS? - STRAIGHT HATING!

- LES MISERABLES? - LES MISERABLES!

♪ I DREAMED A DREAMS,AND DREAMS GET DREAMED ♪

OH, MAN.- NO, WHAT?

- WHY YOU BE HATING ON THAT?

- HOW DO YOU BE HATINGON THE HATHAWAYS?

- I DO NOT KNOW!

- 'CAUSE THAT'S YOUR GIRL, DOG!- THAT'S MY GIRL WITH THE--

I'VE BEEN ROLLINGWITH THE HATHAWAYS

SINCE PRINCESS DIARIES!

- SHH.

YOU WAS THERE SINCE DAY ONE!

- MAN, YOU KNOW I BE LOVING MESOME PRINCESS DIARIES 2:

THE ROYAL ENGAGEMENT!

- YOU GOT THE BLU-RAY!

- AND I GOT THAT ON DVDAND LASER DISC AND VHS, MAN.

- PFFT.- RACHEL GETTING MARRIED THOUGH.

- WHAT? UH-UH.- MM-MM.

- UH-UH. UH-UH.- RACHEL GETTING MARRIED.

- RACHEL GETTING MARRIED, THOUGH?

- RACHEL GETTING MARRIED, THOUGH.

- YO, DO YOU LOVEANNE HATHAWAYS?

- I DO!- COME ON.

[both scatting wedding hymn]

both: HATHAWAYS!- COME ON, MAN.

AND THE OSCAR GOES TO...- ANNIE HATHAWAYS.

CRACKHEAD KILLED HER BROTHER!- THAT'S RIGHT.

both: COME ON.- BROKEN BACK.

- OKAY, BROKEN BACKS.BROKEN BACKS.

- TALKING ABOUTBROKEN BACK MOUNTAIN.

- THAT'S RIGHT.BROKEN BACKS, DOG!

I'M MARRIEDTO JAKE JIGGLING-HALLS.

- UH, GIGGLING-THALLS?- THANK YOU.

I STAND CORRECTED.SO WAIT. YOU KNOW WHAT?

- I DIDN'T LIKE THAT ONE.

- THAT WAS NOTMY [bleep], THOUGH.

BROKEN BACKSWAS NOT MY [bleep].

- BUT SHE WAS GOOD IN THAT.- SHE WAS GOOD.

OH, PLAY THAT CONFIDENTTEXAS BUSINESSWOMAN.

TALK ABOUT STRAIGHT UP,"YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M STRUGGLINGWITH MY HUSBAND'S SEXUALITY."

- SHE KEPT HER INTEGRITYAT THE SAME TIME

AS SHOWING HER BREASTESES.- THAT'S A DELICATE BALANCE.

both:THAT'S A DELICATE BALANCE.

- WHY WAS YOU HATINGON THE HATHAWAYS?

- BUT WHY WOULD YOU BE HATINGON THE HATHAWAYS?

- CONFIDENT WOMAN IN HOLLYWOOD

WHOSE SOLE CHARACTER FLAWIS THAT SHE CARES TOO MUCH!

- SHE CARES TOO MUCH!

- IT'S THAT SHE CARES TOO MUCH!- YEAH, SHE CARE TOO MUCH!

- COME ON!- COME ON!

- YOU KNOWWHO THEY NEVER BE HATING ON?

- WHO'S THAT, DOG?- SANDRA BULLOCKSIES.

- SANDRA BULLOCKSIES.- SHE'S MY GIRL,

AND THEY NEVER BE HATINGON HER.

- THAT'S YOUR GIRL RIGHT THERE.STRAIGHT UP THERE.

SANDRA BULLOCKSIESYOUR GIRL RIGHT THERE.

STRAIGHT UP.

- DO YOU KNOW WHO SHOULDDO A MOVIE TOGETHER, THOUGH?

- BUT WHO IS THAT, DOG?

- BULLOCKSIES AND HATHAWAYS!

- YOU TALKINGABOUT SOME HATHAWAY

AND SOME BULLOCKSIES?- NO!

I'M TALKINGABOUT SOME BULLOCKSIES

AND SOME HATHAWAYS!

- LET ME JUST EXPLAINWHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, THOUGH.

I'M TALKING ABOUT SOME HATHAWAYSAND SOME BULLOCKSIES.

NO, YOU RIGHT.

both: BULLOCKSIES.HATHAWAYS.

THAT WOULD BE MY SHIIIIIIIIT!

- OH.

- OH, YOU GOOD?- YEAH, I-I'M GOOD.

- I THOUGHT SOMETHINGWAS GONNA...

- ME TOO. SO--- HAPPEN FOR A SECOND THERE.

- FIGURED WE WOULD TRANSFORMIN SOME WAY,

SHAPE, OR FORM.OKAY.

- THAT WOULD BE MY SHIT!

both:THAT WOULD BE MY SHIT!

[thunder]

- HELLO, EVERYONE.

I'M JOSEPH CARMICHAEL.

OTIS IS--WAS MY FATHER.

BUT WE ARE NOT HERE TODAYTO MOURN HIS DEATH,

BUT TO CELEBRATE HIS LIFE.

WE KNEW OTIS AS A TEACHER,A COMMUNITY LEADER,

A ROLE MODEL, A HUSBAND,AND A FATHER.

NOW, I THOUGHTIT WOULD BE NICE

TO SHARE SOMETHING ABOUT HIMY'ALL MAY NOT HAVE KNOWN.

WHEN MY FATHER WAS YOUNGER,

HE WAS AN ACTORIN HOLLYWOOD.

GOING THROUGH MY DAD'S THINGS,

I FOUND THIS REEL OF HIS WORKAS AN ACTOR.

I HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET,

BUT I THOUGHTIT WOULD BE FUN TO WATCH,

HERE WITH ALL OF YOU TODAY.

THANK YOU.

- [gasps]WHERE ARE MY PIES?

RIBBLES, WHERE ARE THE PIESI PUT ON MY WINDOWSILL?

- WHY, I DON'T KNOW,MRS. CARUTHERS.

WHY WOULD ANYONEWANT TO STEAL

ONE OF YOUR DELICIOUSBLUEBERRY PIES?

- [snaps]HEY.

SEE TO IT YOU SHINETHOSE SHOES UP NICE, BOY.

- YES, SIR,YOU BEST BE BELIEVING I WILL!

I'LL SHINE YOUR SHOES BLACKERTHAN MY MAMA'S BOOTY.

[all gasp]

[laughs]

[yelling]

OOGA-BOOGA!

OOGA-BOOGA SHOO!OOGA-BOOGA SHOO!

OOGA-BOOGA!- OH, HELL NO!

- OOGA-BOOGA SHOO![yelling]

- IN 1964,MY FATHER MARCHED

WITH MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.AND HARRY BELAFONTE

ALONG WITH OTHER RENOWNEDCIVIL RIGHTS LEADERS.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

GOOD MORNING, TOM.

JASON.

HOW YOU DOING THERE, DAVE?

CRYSTAL, TOMMY.

GOOD MORNING, JAKE.

HOW ARE YOU?

- PRETTY GOOD, KENNY.

- YEAH, YEAH.

UH, YOU KNOW,SO EARLY IN THE MORNING,

I'M SORRY TO BETHE BEARER OF BAD NEWS,

BUT, UH, YOU KNOW HOW I WAS

SUPPOSED TO WORK LATE TONIGHT?- MM-HMM.

- WELL, I GOT TO RUN THIS ERRANDFOR MR. MAHINA,

AND HE SAYS THAT YOU'RE GONNAHAVE TO COVER FOR ME,

SO THERE IT IS.I DON'T NEE--I'M SORRY.

[whistles]DROPPED THE AX.

[laughs]OKAY, SO--

- HMM.- MM-HMM.

- AGAIN.- YEAH.

SO--OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?[snaps]

JUST REMEMBERED.[chuckles]

MR. MAHINA ALSO--ALMOST SLIPPED MY MIND--

WANTS US TO, UH,CHANGE PARKING SPACES.

- WHAT?

- YEAH.M-ME PERSONALLY?

I ENJOYTHE NINE-MINUTE WALK,

BUT, UH, HE SAIDTHAT WE HAVE TO DO IT.

BELIEVE IT.I HATE IT AS MUCH AS YOU DO.

- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?- NOTHING YOU CAN DO.

- IF MR. MAHINA SAID IT--

- MAHINA.- [chuckles]

- THIS WHOLE SITUATIONHAS BEEN MAHINA-NIZED.

- IT JUST SEEMSA LITTLE CONFUSING TO ME

AS TO WHY MR. MAHINA

WOULD GIVE A FUCKWHERE WE PARK.

- HOW'S THAT?

- I MEAN, WHY WOULD HE CAREWHERE WE PARK?

- I-I DON'T KNOW THE ANSWERTO THAT QUESTION.

I-I MEAN, THAT'S--IT'S JUST WHAT HE SAID.

HE--HEY, THE MAHINA WORKSIN MYSTERIOUS WAYS.

- YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M GONNAASK HIM MYSELF 'CAUSE--

- NO, THAT'S OKAY!I'LL DO IT!

UH, MR. MAHINA, SIR,I KNOW YOU'RE BUSY,

BUT CAN I SPEAK TO YOUABOUT THE PARKING SWITCH?

- WHAT'S THERE TO TALK ABOUT,KENNY?

I TOLD YOU AND JAKETO SWITCH PARKING SPACES!

[gasps]DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?

I AM MR. MAHINA,

AND I'M A REAL,REAL PERSON IN HERE!

GET THE HELLOUT OF MY OFFICE!

- WOW.DID YOU HEAR THAT?

IT WAS CRAZY IN THERE.

I MEAN, THAT WAS--WHEW, TENSE.

- YEAH.

YOU KNOWWHAT'S REALLY CRAZY, THOUGH?

- HMM?

- I'VE BEEN WORKING HEREFOR ABOUT A YEAR,

AND I'VE NEVER EVENSEEN MR. MAHINA.

- WELL, SEE, NOW THAT'S--THAT'S AN EASY ONE TO ANSWER.

THAT'S BECAUSE HE COMES INBEFORE YOU COME INTO WORK,

AND HE'S STILL WORKINGWHEN YOU LEAVE.

THAT'S--THAT'S WHAT MAKES HIMMR. MAHINA.

YOU KNOW, COME ON.[laughs]

WE'RE TALKINGABOUT MR. MAHINA HERE, RIGHT?

- [laughs]IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE.

YOU KNOW, I BET...- MM-HMM.

- THE HARDWORKING BOSS

WOULD LOVE TO MEETA HARDWORKING EMPLOYEE,

YOU KNOW,WHO SHARES THE SAME VALUES,

SO I'M GONNA GO AHEADAND JUST INTRODUCE MYSELF--

- NO, NO! UH--[laughs]

YOU CAN'T GOINTO MR. MAHINA'S ROOM.

ARE YOU CRAZY?

NO ONE EXCEPT MEIS ALLOWED TO GO IN THERE.

MR. MAHINA IS BUSY!

- OKAY, FINE.YOU MADE YOUR POINT CLEAR, MAN.

- THANK YOU VERY MUCH, JAKE.I THINK IT'S BEST--

- AND WHAT--- WAIT, NO, JAKE! WAIT, JAKE!

I CAN'T--

- [scoffs]

- [sighs]

- COME ON, MAN.

- WHAT?QUESTION MY EXISTENCE, WILL YOU?

- [screams]

turned me into a mop creature

ILL HAVE THAT END OF YEAR REPORTTO YOU BY 10

- FREEZE!POLICE.

HANDS UP.

TURN AROUND SLOWLY.

OKAY, BUDDY.

DO NOT MOVE A MUSCLE.

UP! UP!

GET YOUR HANDS BACK UP.

NO, RAISE THEM.

UP, HANDS UP, NOW!

NO, NO M--STOP!

I SAID NO MOVING.

PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN.

THAT'S GOOD.

NOW, EASY DOES IT.NO!

DON'T PICKYOUR OTHER FOOT UP!

PUT THAT DOWN.PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN!

PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN.THERE WE GO.

NO, DO NOTPICK THE OTHER ONE UP.

PUT THAT ONE DOWN.

PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN.NO, NOT--

PUT THEM BOTH DOWNAT THE SA--OKAY.

NOW YOU'RE JUST WALKING.STOP WALKING!

NOW!

ST--NO WALKING!

I WANT YOU TO STOP WALKINGRIGHT NOW.

DO NOT GET NEAR THAT CAR.

WAIT, GET AWAY FROM IT.

NO, DON'T GONEAR THAT CAR.

DON'T OPEN THAT DOOR!

DO NOT OPEN THAT DOOR!

DON'T OPEN IT.

DO NOT OPEN THE CAR DOOR!

DON'T YOU OPEN THAT DOOR.

DON'T!DO NOT GET IN THAT CAR.

FREEZE!

YOUR BUTT BETTER NOTHIT THAT SEAT.

THE--OKAY.

STAY--DO--GET--GET OUT OF THERE.

GET OUT OF THE CAR RIGHT NOW.NO, YOU DON'T.

DON'T YOU DARE REACHFOR THAT GLOVE COMPARTMENT.

DON'T REACHFOR THAT GLOVE COMPARTMENT!

GET AWAYFROM THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT!

GET YOUR HAND AWAYFROM THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT!

DON'T YOU OPEN IT!

DO NOT GRAB THAT GUN!

WHATEVER YOU DO, DUDE,YOU BETTER NOT GRAB THAT GUN.

YOU BETTER NOTGRAB THAT GUN.

[panting]

DO NOT PULL THAT GUN ON ME.

PUT THAT DOWN!

DON'T YOU PULL THAT GUN ON ME.

NO, HEY.PUT THAT DOWN.

DON'T DO IT!

DAMN IT!GOD DAMN IT!

[engine starts]

DAMN IT.NOT AGAIN.

[cheerful music]

- HEY, HEY. HOW YOU DOING?- HOW YOU DOING?

WHAT'S GOING ON?- HEY, WHAT'S UP?

- HOW YOU DOING, MAN?[laughter]

- COME ON--[laughs]

- COME ON.WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

- HEY. HEY, COME ON, MAN!STOP IT.

STOP IT, STOP IT!- HEY, HEY.

- STOP IT.- HEY, HEY.

THAT'S FUN.- THAT'S FUN, I LIKE IT!

[overlapping chatter]I'M HAVING A FUN TIME.

OW!

[overlapping shouting]

YOU'RE BIG!YOU'RE BIG!

- [panting]

- [panting]- HEY, HEY!

- I KNOW YOU, I KNOW YOU!- OH, YEAH, I REMEMBER YOU.

- I THINK I LIKE YOU.LET ME--

- YEAH.

both: NO! NO! NO!

- OH. OH.

HEY, WHAT YOU EATING?WHAT ARE YOU EATING?

- GET THE [bleep] AWAYFROM ME.

- OH, BUT THAT'S FOOD.- [bleep] OFF.

- THAT'S FOOD, THOUGH.- [bleep] OFF!

- YEAH.[laughs]

I LIKE THAT.

I LIKE THE WAY YOU LOOK.YOU LOOKING GOOD TO ME.

[sniffs]

YOU A DUDE, SORRY.

- THAT'S OKAY!IT HAPPENS!

- HEY!WHAT'S UP THERE?

IS THERE--IS THERE SOMETHING UP THERE?

- YES, YES.- IS IT UP THERE?

HEY, COME HERE!- I WANT TO EAT YOU RIGHT NOW.

- YOU'RE UP THERE!YOU ARE UP THERE!

- I WANT TO EAT YOU.- NO! NO! GET OUT!

GET OUT OF HERE!GO, YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!

- I WANT TO EAT IT!

- I SEE IT, COME HERE!