July 19, 2016 - John Fetterman

  • 07/19/2016

Cleveland cops call for a brief open-carry gun ban, and Larry discusses Melania Trump's plagiarism controversy with John Fetterman, Rory Albanese and Robin Thede.

Whoo.

Yes.

Thank you very much.

Man, whoo!

What a crowd.

Welcome to The Nightly Show.

Thank you. Please.

Please, have a seat.You're too kind.

You're too kind.

Thank you very much.

-(audience chanting "Larry")-Thank you very much.

Welcome to The Nightly Show.

They're correct,I am (laughing)...

"Larry"-- one guy got stranded.

"Larry, oh."

"It's over."

Uh, so, man,last night was the start

of the Republican NationalConvention in Cleve...land.

So you know what that means,

the effort to Unblackenthe White House

is kicking into high gear.

(roaring scream)

(roaring)

(shrieking)

(roaring, shrieking)

(explosion)

(roaring, shrieking)

Oh, man.

That was...that was kind of scary.

Oh, man.

Of course the big storycoming out of the night

wasn't Scott Baio or Benghazi,right?

Or about five different peoplecalling Hillary a murderer,

whatever that was.

It was the bigMichelle Obama speech.

(audience cheering)

Yeah. Yeah. Yes.

Yes...brought to you by Melania Trump.

Your word is your bondand you do what you say.

That your word is your bond,

that you do what you sayyou're going to do.

-Because we want our children-Because we want our children

-in this nation to know-and all children in this nation

-that the only limit-to know that the only limit

-to your achievements... -tothe height of your achievements

-is the strength of your dreams-is the reach of your dreams

-and your willingness-and your willingness

-to work for them.-to work hard for them.

(audience exclaims)

Oh, (bleep).

(laughing):Oh, man.

So... you saw this, right?

Apparently a significant chunk

of Michelle Obama's 2008 speechat the Democratic Convention

was, like,airlifted out of Denver, right,

and-and just dropped intoCleveland for Melania Trump.

I mean, this is shocking.

I can't believe they would le...and this is even worse

than when Melania tookMichelle's "Let's Move" campaign

and turned it into her own,

"Let Us Do Motions" campaign.

Right.

You saw that.

I didn't think she'd get awaywith that.

So there you do.

Okay, I have to know,

who's responsiblefor this disaster?

Whoever it's going to be,

it's going to be their last dayon the Trump campaign.

I wrote it, and, uh,little help...

with as little help as possible.

(audience laughing)

With a little helpfrom Michelle Obama, right?

-Just a little... just a titch.-(applause)

Hmm.

"And I have a dream."

Hmm...

No. No, don't say that.

But she admitted she wrote it.

But it didn't stop the campaignfrom bending over backwards

to defend her. WatchTrump apologist/contortionist

Paul Manafort demonstratehis limberness.

You've heardall the similarities.

-How do you explain them?-Well, they're not

that many similarities.It's-it's basically three places

in the speech, and they're...it's fragments of words.

(laughter)

Wait, fragments of words?

Are you kidding me?No, no, no, fragments of words

are like, "Ba, ga.

Du, fu..."

Those are fragments.She took entire groups of words,

also known as sentences,

from the current first lady's2008 convention speech.

I mean, it's so obvious.But, guys, it didn't stop there.

So-- this is hilarious--

another defensecame from an RNC strategist

who insisted all of...all of her words

are-are just out there.

Melania Trump said, "You workhard for what you get in life."

John Legend said, "Work hard tobe anything you want in life."

Kid Rock said, "Work hard to beanything you want in life."

Melania Trump said,"The strength of your dreams

and willingness to workfor them."

Twilight Sparklefrom My Little Pony said,

"This is your dream. Anythingyou can do in your dreams,

you can do now."

Hold on a second.

Hold on, hold on. Uh-uh.

She even liftedfrom Twilight Sparkle?

You couldn't even stealfrom a medium-sized pony?

You had to stealfrom a little pony.

Have you no decency, lady?

But why even make excusesfor this?

It's so clearly plagiarism,right?

All right, so, in fact, joiningus now with another defense

of Melania is Trump campaignspokesperson Daniel Condone.

(cheering and applause)

Larry, come on.

This is all a coincidence.

Come on, man,it's nothing but coincidence.

People say the same wordsall the time.

No, but... Come on, Melania,

she-she liftedan entire paragraph

from Michelle Obama.

-That's plagiarism.-Plagiarism. Look!

It just happened! Come on!

I said... We said the sa...That's a total coincidence,

Larry. That's all this is.

Come on, man,I-I think you're reaching here.

Why can't they just admitthey did something wrong?

Well, uh, how do you knowthat Michelle Obama

didn't steal the speechfrom Melania?

W... How could that possibly be?

Michelle gave her speechin 2008.

Larry, um, you ever seethat movie Looper?

Was that, what,Mark Wahlberg or...

-No, no, it's Gordon-Levitt.Come on, man. Looper. -Oh.

Uh, anyway, uh, uh, you know,Joe Gor... Lev is, uh...

-he's looping through time,you know, -Right.

he's going back and forth,trying to fix stuff.

Uh, or is he goingto steal speeches? I don't know.

All right? I guess whatI'm saying is Michelle Obama

could have juststraight-up looped.

S-So,let me just get this straight,

-for you, it's more plausible-Think about it.

that Michelle Obama looped,

or time travelled,than Melania plagiarized?

Yep, that makes sense to allof us here at Trump HQ, so...

(chuckles)

-I don't know.-Everybody.

How do I say this?How do I say this?

-You're a (bleep) idiot.-(bleep) idiot.

-Happened again! It happenedagain! Same words! -No...

You just proved my point!I guess you're my little pony,

-Wilmore, huh? What about that?-I am not your little pony.

Daniel Condone, everyone.

-Daniel Condone.-(cheering and applause)

Okay. So...

obviously, a lot happenedat the RNC last night,

but, for me, I guess the thingthat bugged me the most

about this event didn't evenhappen on the convention floor.

The head of one of Cleveland'slargest police unions

called in Governor Kasichto temporarily restrict

the state's open carry gun laws

during this week'sRepublican National Convention.

Okay, now,because of recent incidents

of violence against police,the city expects major protests.

But becauseof Ohio's open carry laws,

some of the police are nervousthat this could cause a problem.

Well, you know, it's gonnadivert resources that we have.

Um, people that are strapped upwith an AR-15

are gonna have a lot of policeofficers looking at them.

Yes.

Police rep and Hulk Hogan-JesseVentura love child

Steve Loomis is right.

Yes.

That is correct.

Police will watch someonecarrying an AR-15.

That makes sense.Same way I look at anyone

who squeezes peaches more thantwice at the grocery store.

Right? Why you gotto keep squeezing those peaches,

creepy peach freak?I don't get it, all right?

Now, but Loomis-- this is true--he even gave, like,

a weirdly specific example.

My grandmother could come inhere with an AR-15 on her back,

and there's gonna besix police officers

that are gonna be watching her,um,

when they should be watchingfor other things.

Okay, hold on, you still haveyour grandmother?

What, is she, like, 130?

Man, hey, if she wants to carryan AR-15, I say God bless her.

Let me tell you something,if time hasn't killed her yet,

I wouldn't worryabout an assault rifle, okay?

I'm sorry.

It's just a joke!It's just a joke!

I'm sure she's very nice.Okay, okay,

so what exactly do you propose?

Get rid of these open carries.

Yes! Yes!

Thank you!

Thank you! That is a good idea!

Get rid of these open carries.

Get ridof these open carries

just for a three-day periodof time.

Come back August 1 with 1,000people with open carries,

and we'll welcome youwith open arms.

-No!-(laughter)

-Close your arms.-(laughter)

I was agreeing with you!

Apparently,I was agreeing with you

more than you were agreeingwith you.

Okay, so here's what'scompletely insane about this.

They're concerned that peoplecarrying around guns--

particularly assault rifles--

might not be a good idearight now,

but in three days,it'll be cool.

(laughter)

All right. Well, what didthe governor say about this?

MAN: The governor's office has responded and said

they can't suspend that law unilaterally. It's a law.

-Yes, it's (bleep) law!-(laughter)

Yes! You don't get to choose

when you feel likeabiding by that law.

That's the whole dealwith the laws.

You know, "Hello, governor.

"Yeah, I needto shoplift next week.

Um, could we just suspendthat law just for a while?"

But that's why

you shouldn't have passedthat law in the first place.

(applause and cheering)

You know? Look.

Look, guys,

I respect the police.

I want them to be as safeas possible,

and I agree with them

that openly carrying firearmscan foster fear and violence.

I just think it can foster fearand violence 52 weeks a year,

particularly...particularly in the same city

where 12-year-old Tamir Ricewas shot by police

for open carrying a toy gun.

(applause and cheering)

Now...

so the theme...

the theme last nightwas "Make America Safe Again."

But as long as anyone can carryan AR-15 down the street,

and the police have no idea

who they're supposedto be watching out for,

I don't thinkanybody in Cleveland

should feel particularly safe.

-We'll be right back.-(applause and cheering)

-(applause and cheering)-Welcome back.

Now, for more coverage

of the 2016 RepublicanNational Convention,

we turn nowto Nightly Show contributors

Grace Parra and Jordan Carloswho are live

outside Quicken Loans Arenain Cleveland, Ohio.

-Hey. Yeah. Hello. -Hello,Larry. -(applause and cheering)

-Hi. -Yeah.-Hey, Grace. Hey, Jordan.

So how are things at theRepublican National Convention?

-Oh, um...-Uh, yeah.

We're not at the RepublicanNational Convention, Larry.

We are actually herewith you in the studio.

-Yeah.-(laughter)

-Hey, buddy. Hey, buddy. Yeah.-Hiya. How you doing?

-How you doing? Yeah? Yeah.-Yes.

-(applause and cheering)-Yeah. -Yeah.

-(Carlos laughs)-Get it. Get it.

-Uh, yeah. -Killing it.Killing it. -What? How did...?

How did this happen? What...?I don't understand.

Yeah. Don't worry.We did go to a convention.

Yes, yes, yes.

Now, we didn't have the budgetfor the RNC.

-Yeah, you only gave us40 bucks. -Mm-hmm. -Oh.

-(laughter) -So insteadof travelling to Cleveland,

we went down to the Jacob JavitsCenter right here in NY City.

Um... okay.

Um, so what conventiondid you go to?

-Well, actually,we had two options. -Two.

-An auditors convention.-Uh-huh.

And the 2016 Market GlobalFashion Trade Show

for Discerning Menswear Brands.

-(laughter)-(Parra whoops) -Yeah, so good.

-So fun.-Um, we're in the midst

of one of the mostriveting, important elections

this nation has ever seen,

and you wentto an auditor's conference

and a menswear convention?

Look, it may not be the RNC,but I think we made it work.

-I think we did. I think we did.-Yeah.

-Yeah. -Take a look.-WILMORE: All right.

-Oh, my God. This is so fine.-Come on, come on. (mumbles)

Oh, this is huge, Jordan.This is huge for us.

-(Carlos laughs)-This is huge for the show.

-We're gonna act like we've beenhere before. -(Parra mutters)

-Cool.-Cause we are The Nightly Show.

-Perhaps you've heard of us.-We're just cool people...

-11:30 on Comedy Central.-...who know what they're doing.

-Chin energy, chin energy,chin energy. -Hello, my lady.

-Hello.-Hi. How are you?

-Going up to the convention. -Weare headed up to the convention.

-Yes. -♪ Heading upto the convention. ♪

-What's... What are you doing?-Oh, sorry.

-You got a badge? -Do youhave a...? Do you have a...?

Do you have...? Do you...?Um...

-Uh, that...-Uh...

-Nothing's allowed. -Can we,though, go to the convention?

-No. -CARLOS: Can we goto the convention?

You have to have badges.

-Hey. -Can we goto the auditors convention?

I have nothing to do with that.You can check.

-Ooh!-Interesting.

-Come on, guys. Let's go. Yeah.-Okay, all right, let's do it.

Let's do it.

If you change your mind, though.

If you've ever seen, like, Guy Code or Nurse Jackie.

Girls. I was on Girls.

Lot of MTV shows.

-Auditors!-Auditors. And looks like

-the road is clear and free.-Let's do it.

The exciting thingabout conventions is that

there is always another oneright around the corner.

-Yeah. -So suck it,menswear convention.

-We don't need you.-We are going to get an audit.

I've always liked auditors.

We're going to remove youright now.

Up the escalators, guys.

Ugh! The shame.

There's a lot of security here.

Is it as tough as what's goingon in Cleveland? Maybe.

Guys, we're being kickedout of here,

because the man is kicking us out.

(whistles)

That...You didn't really mean that.

You did notreally mean that.

He told me to have a good day,

but I can tellhe did not mean that.

I got a little lemon dessert.

-You're a little lemon dessert.-I know.

Oh, I tasted sweet victory,Jordan.

-It was amazing.-Ah, so good.

For The Nightly Show, been Jordan Carlos.

-I'm Grace Parra.-We're out.

Told you it'd be fun, Larry.

(cheers and applause)

-Yeah. Yeah. (whoops)-Yeah. So good.

It's free. Yeah.

-Oh, my gosh.-Guys, uh,

that has to be the single worstpiece of political reporting

I've ever seenin my entire life.

So, how did you spend my $40?

-Well, uh, there was an Uber,two gyros... -Mm-hmm.

...two Snapplesand some Imodium A-D.

And I got to say, that gyro--

that went through melike a goddamn Tomahawk missile.

-Ew!-(laughing)

-Get out of here.-Awful. Just awful.

But Larry, we did bring youa lemon dessert.

-Yeah.-Want it? Want it?

-Uh, I guess.-Eat it!

-Come on!-Oh, it's so tasty.

-Yeah!-Oh, you're gonna love it.

Thank you. I appreciate... Oh.

Oh, so it's yum-yumfor your tum-tum.

Grace Parra and Jordan Carlos,everyone. We'll be right back.

-(applause and cheering)-(indistinct chatter)

Hey, welcome back.I'm here with my panel.

First up, Nightly Show contributor Rory Albanese.

(cheering, applause)

And Nightly Show contributorRobin Thede.

(cheering, applause)

And he's the mayorof Braddock, Pennsylvania--

welcome back John Fetterman.

(cheering, applause)

And for everyone at home,join our conversation right now

on Twitter @NightlyShowusing the hashtag #Tonightly.

So, last night,first night of RNC convention,

-Melania...-THEDE: Whoo!

headline speaker.

Didn't take long. I love that itwas an out-of-work journalist,

uh, a brother who'sjust sitting at a Starbucks,

going, "That (bleep)sounds familiar."

(laughter)

ALBANESE: If he's out of work,he's probably at Dunkin' Donuts.

I hope he has a job now.That was awesome.

But he tweeted it, and,you know, it wasn't long

before everybody realizedshe was plagiarizing passages.

Let's show the speech again.

You work hardfor what you want in life.

You work hard for whatyou want in life.

...that your word is your bond,

that you do what you sayyou're gonna do.

...that your word is your bond,

and you do what you say,and keep your promise.

(laughter)

Whew! Okay, so my theory,

I think she wrote it.

I believe herwhen she said that.

That's what she told Matt Lauer.

She said she wrote it,and I think she just changed

a few words, like she's doingsome geography...

fifth grade exam or something,

you know, like...paper or something.

Do you thinkshe wrote it herself,

-or do you think it was, like...-Larry, I'm concerned

-that we're kind of playinginto Trump's hands. -Yeah.

-I was in the green room...-You mean his tiny hands.

His tiny hands.I was in the green room,

-going through Twitter,-Yeah.

and apparently, Donald Trump'sgonna drop a Snapchat video

-Mm-hmm. -of Melaniaon the phone with Michelle Obama

and Michelle saying,"I'm gonna let you have it."

-That's right. Very nice.-So I think he's gonna...

-Very nice.-he's gonna flip it.

-WILMORE: Yeah. Kanye.-So I don't... so I'm a lit...

-I'm pumping the brakes onsome of what I said. -Oh, no.

I love that theory.

-Yeah.-That's very nice, though.

-Robin? -I thinkthere was a Trump staffer who...

Their campaign isjust the Wild West.

They don't care. They'vejust got, like, 11 staffers

running around crazy.

-Of course she didn't write it.-Yeah.

As somebody who just gotoff a campaign and I ran for...

Uh, I think whoever wrote itis beside the point.

-THEDE: Yeah.-The fact is it's...

it's a Dumpster fireand a train...

-Absolutely. -Like, the factthat a presidential campaign

-would even be dealingwith something like this, -Yeah.

um, is-is appalling.

-Yeah. Agreed. -Yes, it's partof this phenomena of Trump.

His whole campaignis a Dumpster fire.

-Yeah. Yeah. -It's a toiletfire, really, is what it is.

It's a toilet...it's a toilet on fire,

-and we can't stop watching it.-It's a "Scott Bai...

-Yeah. Yeah.-It's a "Scott Baio speaking

at your presidential convention"fire, yeah.

But it does...but, Robin, I don't...

I have to disagree,that I don't think...

Because it was so close,someone had to copy that, right?

No, somebody copied it. I thinkone of the staffers copied it.

You think a staffer sat downand copied Michelle Obama's...

-Yes! -ALBANESE:He doesn't have a staff.

He doesn't even have a staff--he has, like,

four people working there.

-Yeah. -Yes,and they're pressed for time,

so they just Googlethe good speech...

She said she worked on itfor five or six weeks.

She lied! That's whatthe Trump campaign does!

-WILMORE: I know they...-They lie!

-WILMORE: I know they do. I knowthey lie. -What! They lie!

-(applause, cheering)-I know!

THEDE:They lie about everything!

Normally... normally,you and I agree, Robin,

but I have to say this--one, lying is Clinton's thing.

You know what I mean?So, like, Trump's got to lay off

the lying,'cause that's a Clinton thing.

And second of all...

-It's like stealing is-is...-It is, because, like...

-Trump's thing, right? -he'sstarting to get into the, like,

what is "is" now, you know?He's like, "What is plagiarism

is not..." I'm like,"Ooh, very Clintonian of you."

-Stay in your lane. Right.-And, um...

No, but I think, to me,this whole Melania thing,

this is like a classic... Like,she lives in hot world, man.

-She's a hot girl.This is how... -Hot world.

This is how hot girlsget through high school.

-(woman shrieks, laughs) -No,they're like... No, they do.

They do. They cheat...

No, they-they copy...they copy from nerds.

They don't get in trouble,there's no consequence.

-Hot world.-Yeah, hot world is like...

-Yeah, I love that. -Like,if someone like Melania could,

like, get caught shoplifting,she's like, "Did I do this?"

And they're like, "Oh, take it,just take it home with you.

You're adorable."You know?

They just get away... And it'slike, this is the first time

in her life she's like, "This...What is this accountability

thing?" You know?Like, she doesn't understand.

-That's a dead-on Melania.-Thank you, I've been

-working on it.-No, I can tell. -I-I feel like

a lot of Trump's campaign... Heis like Terminator 2, I mean...

he-he gets destroyedand he comes back stronger.

His campaign is post-factual.It doesn't matter. Like...

-Post factual! -(laughs)-Honestly, I mean...

-You know, it-it...-WILMORE: I agree.

-(cheering, applause)-It-It's... Like, what...

-Yeah, you know? Um, so... Yeah.-That's great.

And he lies right to people'sfaces. He's such a sociopath.

They should have just owned it.They went about this all wrong.

I really feel like the Trumpcampaign should have just

owned it and they should have...Trump should have come out

and said "We made Michelle'sspeech great again."

-Like, that's... They sh...-Yeah, yeah.

(cheering, applause)

-Yeah. -That was the greatestplagiarized speech ever.

It was huge.They should just own it.

The blacks did itbut we made it great.

-Yeah.-Thank you.

-Cultural appropriation, yeah,yeah, yeah. -Yeah, thank you.

-Cultural appropriation, yeah.-And it really is.

Now, the best part,the best part was at the end

of her speech,when he comes out to hug her--

I think we have the clip of it--he comes out to hug her...

-Uh-huh. -...and then he justpoints at her boobs.

Like... There it is,there it is!

(all laughing)

He's like, "Yeah! That's it.

That's it." That's just like...

I guess the J stands for"jugs" I guess. I mean...

He's just like, he's like,"Yeah, I'll put my arm

half around her and just pointat the things I care about."

-It's unbelievable.-It is, though, if-if, like,

it-it is a trophy wife.So he's gonna be like,

"You believe I did this?" Youknow what I mean? Like, he's...

This is how we...Go ahead, go ahead.

My heart goes out to her. She's,uh, speaks, like, 12 languages,

a lot smarter than he is,clearly. Uh, she's foreign-born

immigrant and she's marriedto the biggest xenophobe

on the planet.So, I mean, it-it's...

But she knew what she wasgetting into.

-She only speaks five languages,first of all. -Did she really?

-Well, she can...-Yeah, of course she knew

-what she was getting into.-But Robin... -But she can steal

-in seven languages. - ...shecan only plagiarize in three.

Right? You beat me to the joke,you beat me to the joke!

-(bleep)! -Wait a minute--plagiarism! Plagiarism!

All right, we'll be right backright after this.

-You beat me to that joke!-Plagiarism!

-I was there!-(cheering, applause)

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