Bevins, Handler, MacArthur, Williams

  • Season 8, Ep 0809
  • 04/01/2005

Chelsea Handler embraces her boozy lifestyle, Danny Bevins gives up hope for Lent, and Hayes MacArthur reveals why he's horrible at booty calls.

[LAUGHTER]

MALA-BUSY IN A HIZZY FOR SHIZZY.

[LAUGHTER]

PEOPLE ALWAYS ASK ME, THEY SAY,

"WHERE DID YOU GET B-RAD FROM?"

WELL, THE CHARACTER OF B-RAD

CAME FROM THOSE WHITE KIDS THAT

THINK THEY'RE FROM THE GHETTO...

[LAUGHTER]

BUT THEY DON'T HAVE A GHETTO

TO CALL THEIR OWN.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

SO THEY USE THE MALL AS THEIR

GHETTO.

[LAUGHTER]

"HEY, FUUL...

[LAUGHTER]

I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU,

I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOUR ASS

IN FRONT OF BABY GAP NO MO.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU TAKE YOUR ASS DOWN TO

'WICKS AND STICKS'".

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY,

"HEY BABY, HEY BABY."

YOU EVER SEE A WHITE KID

TRY TO HIT ON A BLACK WOMAN?

"HEY, BABY.

HEY, I KNOW THEY SAY ONCE YOU

GO BLACK, YOU NEVER GO BACK.

BUT YOU SHOULD TRY WHITE,

THAT [BLEEP] DON'T BITE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I SPENT THE DAY IN BED

WITH MY LIFE PARTNER AGAIN.

HER NAME IS KETTLE ONE.

AND WE WERE TALKING ABOUT WHY

I'M STILL SINGLE AND WE

BASICALLY CAME UP WITH THREE

REASONS AS TO WHY I HAVE NOTHING

TO OFFER ANYBODY.

NUMBER ONE IS I CAN'T COOK

AND I'M NOT LOOKING TO LEARN

ASS [BLEEP]!

[LAUGHTER]

OKAY?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO CLEAN,

YOU KNOW THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE

I MAY BE AN ALCOHOLIC.

[LAUGHTER]

THINK GUYS WOULD BE A LITTLE

MORE EXCITED ABOUT THAT.

ALL THEY DO IS BITCH AND MOAN.

[IN MOANING VOICE] "YOU DRINK

TOO MUCH.

YOU SLEEP TOO MUCH.

WAA, WAA!"

IT'S LIKE IF YOU WE'RE DRUNK

ALL THE TIME YOU'D BE TIRED,

TOO!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S NOT EASY!

I WENT OUT WITH A GUY

THE OTHER NIGHT HE GOES,

"YA KNOW CHELSEA, YOU DON'T HAVE

TO DRINK TO MAKE YOURSELF

MORE FUN TO BE AROUND."

I'M LIKE, "LISTEN WING NUT,

I'M DRINKING SO THAT YOU'RE

MORE FUN TO BE AROUND."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

SPICE IT UP!

SPICE IT UP, BITCHES, I DON'T

HAVE TIME.

OHHH, GOSH, EVERYONE IN L.A.--

THE PROBLEM WITH L.A., I LIVE

IN L.A., THERE'S TOO MANY CLUBS,

YA KNOW?

EVERYBODY'S ALL AA'd AND

THERAPIED OUT.

PEOPLE HAVE ONE HARD NIGHT OF

DRINKING AND THEY WANT TO THROW

IN THE TOWEL.

AA IS FOR QUITTERS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S WHAT IT'S FOR.

AND THEY HAVE THAT CATCH PHRASE,

"ROCK BOTTOM."

"WHEN YOU HIT ROCK BOTTOM,

YOU GOTTA GO TO AA"

OOHHHH.

THEY MAKE IT SOUND SO DIRTY.

PLEASE, I HIT ROCK BOTTOM

DOZENS OF TIMES.

[LAUGHTER]

I'VE WOKEN UP NEXT TO A

BILLY GOAT.

YOU DON'T JUST GIVE UP!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THERE'S A LOT OF CLUBS,

THERE'S NA, THERE'S SA.

HAVE YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS

ON THE EAST COAST I DON'T KNOW

IF IT'S A HIT HERE YET OKAY

BUT WATCH OUT!

SEX ADDICTS ANONYMOUS.

I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND WHO'S IN SEX

AND SHE GOES, "CHELSEA,

IT'S VERY SERIOUS.

IT'S ABOUT BEING ADDICTED

TO HAVING SEX WITH STRANGERS."

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S LIKE "ISN'T THAT JUST

BEING A WHORE?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU DON'T NEED TO JOIN A CLUB,

CLOSE YOUR LEG'S SISTER, OKAY!

OH, MY GIRLFRIEND'S THINK

I'M SO PICKY, THEY'RE LIKE

"YOU'RE TOO PICKY.

YOU CAN'T JUST NOT GO OUT WITH

A GUY 'CAUSE HE DOESN'T HAVE

A JOB OR A CAR, 'CAUSE HE HAS A

SMALL PENIS, YA KNOW.

HE COULD BE GOOD AT OTHER

THINGS."

I'M LIKE, "WHAT MATH, WHAT?"

[LAUGHTER AND AP

DO YOU GUYS THINK IT'S OKAY

TO DRINK WHILE YOU'RE PREGNANT

IF YOU'RE PLANNING ON GIVING

THE BABY UP FOR ADOPTION?

[LAUGHTER]

I JUST HAVE THIS FEAR OF

BECOMING ONE OF THOSE ROMANTIC

HAPPY COUPLES.

YOU KNOW THE TYPES OF COUPLES

ALWAYS RUNNING AROUND SO HAPPY

FOR THEMSELVES YOU JUST WANT

'EM TO BREAK UP.

I HAVE A ROOMMATE LIKE THAT.

WE'LL CALL HER CAMEL TOE.

AND...

[LAUGHTER]

SHE'S GOT A BOYFRIEND ALL,

HE'S ALL EMOTIONAL YOU KNOW,

ONE OF THOSE GUYS, TALKS ABOUT

HIS FEELINGS ALL THE TIME.

HE'S LIKE HE'S TWO MINUTES

AWAY FROM HIS FIRST PERIOD.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND HE WRITES HER POEMS,

LIKE A LITTLE BITCH.

GUYS, IF YOU'RE WRITING POEMS

YOU'RE MAKING UP FOR SOME

OTHER STUFF, OKAY.

LIKE A BIG HAIRY BACK OR

ONE BALL OR SOMETHING.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I LOVE HOW PEOPLE TALK ABOUT

ONE BALL LIKE IT'S A BAD THING.

IT'S LIKE WE'VE ALL SEEN 'EM

LADIES, THE LESS BALLS THE

BETTER, OKAY.

HOW ABOUT NO BALLS?

HOW ABOUT THAT ONE?

HOW BOUT THAT ONE?