Tuesday, October 13, 2015

  • 10/13/2015

Mike Lawrence, Ashley Barnhill and Blaine Capatch name #CanadianSuperheroes, write taglines for absurd Etsy products and get to know Pepsi Singapore's creepy spokesperson.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'SHEADLINES,

HERE'S RAPID REFRESH.

THE AMERICAN MUSIC AWARDNOMINEES HAVE BEEN ANNOUNCED.

AND UNKNOWN INDIE DARLING ANDGLITTERY STICK INSECT

TAYLOR SWIFT LEADS WITH SIXNOMINATIONS.

GUYS, SHE NEEDS THIS.

THE ONLY REAL COMPETITION SHEFACES IS

SCOTTISH FERRET ED SHEERAN.

SHOWN HERE ON FIRE, I THINK. I'MNOT SURE.

>> IN A RARE APPEARANCE OUTSIDEOF THE SHIRE.

>> Chris: A HUNDRED POINTS FORMIKE LAWRENCE FOR THAT.

I'M NOT SURE WHAT HE WASNOMINATED FOR.

PROBABLY THE MOST UNSETTLINGGINGER CATEGORY.

THERE HE IS.

THIS YEAR TAYLOR IS NOMINATEDFOR ARTIST OF THE YEAR,

FAVORITE ALBUM AND SONG OF THEYEAR.

AND MOST LIKELY TOSUCCEED.

TAY-TAY HAS ALREADY WON 16 AMAsAND IF SHE SWEEPS THIS YEAR SHE

WILL TIE WHITNEY HOUSTON FORMOST AWARDS WON. YEAH.

LOOK OUT, BELOVED DEAD SINGERWHO TRAGICALLY DIED AFTER

YEARS OF PERSONAL HELL,

SWIFTIE IS COMINGAFTER YOU.

HERE SHE COMES.

TAYLOR IS A REAL AWARDS MAGNET.

WHAT ARE OTHER AWARDS SHE HASWON THAT DID NOT MAKE THE NEWS?

MIKE LAWRENCE.

>> THE CHARMING GIRL NEXT DOORWHO OWNS HER OWN

ISLAND FORTRESS.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

ASHLEY.

>> HOTTEST ACT TO NOT DIE IN ABATHTUB.

>> Chris: ALRIGHT.

ALRIGHT.

POINTS.

>> Chris: BLAINE CAPATCH.

>> NO-EST ASS.

CHRIS, CHRIS.Chris: YES, BLAINE?

>> I CAN SAY THAT.

>> THAT'S WHAT THE SONG"BLANK SPACE" IS ABOUT.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: A HUNDRED POINTS FOR

MIKE LAWRENCE AND BLAINECAPATCH.

MOVING ON. GOPRO DRONES AREALLOWING EVERYDAY FOLKS

LIKE YOU AND ME TO SEE THE WORLDFROM NEW VANTAGE POINTS,

EXPLORE NATURE AND TOTALLY PISSOFF ANIMALS.

FIRST OF ALL, KANGAROOS HATE'EM.

>> Chris: [BEEP]IN' DRUNKAUSTRALIANS.

RAMS HATE THEM.

>> Chris: AND YES, AS YOU MIGHTEXPECT, RATTLE SNAKES HATE THEM.

>> Chris: WHOA.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: OH.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: I THINK, I THINK

THAT'S WHEN THE ROBOTS BECAMESELF-AWARE SO THEY CAN [BEEP]

THEIR PANTS.

THOSE WERE CLIPS FROM THREEGREAT-LOOKING FOUND-FOOTAGE

MOVIES, I DON'T KNOW.

WHY ARE THEY TAUNTING ANIMALSWITH DRONES?

CLEARLY, THIS WAS A PRIVATEMOMENT FOR THESE SNAKES.

THEY WERE HAVING A THING. THEREWAS SOME KIND OF SNAKE CLUB.

WHAT WAS HAPPENING BEFORE THEYWERE RUDELY INTERRUPTED BY A

FLYING ROBOT CAMERA? BLAINECAPATCH.

>> THEY WERE ABOUT TO FORM DICKCHENEY.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: POINTS.

>> THEY WERE VOTING ON WHICH ONEWOULD BE COBRA COMMANDER,

AND THEY COULDN'T DECCCCIDE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'S HASHTAGWARS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

MONDAY WAS CANADIANTHANKSGIVING, EH, WHERE THEY ALL

SAT AROUND EATING THEIRTRADITION MEAL OF POUTINE-GLAZED

CANADIAN GOOSE BEATEN WITHHOCKEY STICKS AND STUFFED WITH

MAPLE LEAVES AND BEAVER GRISTLE.AND SPENDING TIME WITH LOVED

ONES AND GIVING THANKS THEY'RENOT AMERICAN AND HAVE FREE

HEALTHCARE.

BUT IT DID GET US THINKING SINCETHEY LIKE STEALING OUR FAVORITE

TRADITION SO MUCH -- YA, AMERICA-- WHAT WOULD HAPPEN

IF CANADA RIPPED OFF OURCOMIC BOOKS TOO, HUH?

SO TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#CANADIANSUPERHEROES.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE: THE POUTINETITANS, OR HOCKEY EYE OR

DRAKE MAN.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

>> BATMAN AND DOUG.

Chris: POINTS.

MIKE LAWRENCE.

>> CELINE DION-CREDIBLE HULK.

>> Chris: POINTS. BLAINE.

>> GREEN CARD LANTERN.

>> MAGNET-"O CANADA."

>> Chris: POINTS. BLAINE.

>> KIDS IN THE HALL OF JUSTICE.

Chris: POINTS. WELL PLAYED.ASHLEY BARNHILL.

>> MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSALHEALTHCARE.

>> Chris: YA, POINTS.

MIKE LAWRENCE.

>> VERY FEW BLACKS PANTHER.

Chris: OH, MAN.

POINTS.

ASHLEY.

>> THE U.S. MILITARY.

Chris: ALRIGHT.

POINTS.

ASHLEY.

BLAINE.

>> PAUL SCHAEFER.

Chris: POINTS.

>> BRUCE WAYNE GRETZKY.

>> THE FANTASTIC FOUR YOU A GIFTBECAUSE I'M SO NICE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> THE EH?-TEAM.

Chris: POINTS.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY ETSY PITCHMEN.

ETSY PITCHMEN.

YOU KNOW WHAT ETSY IS. ANYONEWITH AN INTERNET CONNECTION

CAN SELL STUFF THAT THEY MADE ORSELL ANTIQUES IF THEY WANT TO,

WHATEVER THEIR CUSTOMWARES AREFOR FUN AND PROFIT.

THE ITEMS RANGE FROM SENSIBLEAND CUTE TO THINGS

SO NIGHTMARISHLY DEVIANT THATSIGMUND FREUD WOULD BLUSH.

SO COMEDIANS, I'M GONNA SHOW YOUA BAT[BLEEP] CRAZY ITEM WE FOUND

FOR SALE ON ETSY, AND FOR 250POINTS, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO GIVE

ME A MARKETABLE TAGLINE TO HELPSELL IT.

FIRST UP, THESE MESH TATTOOSLEEVES FOR BABIES.

BLAINE.

>> MAKE YOUR KID LOOK LIKE A[BEEP]IN' ASSHOLE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> THESE ARE THE BOUNCERS AT THENURSERY.

[LAUGHING]>> I GOT TO SEE SOME ID.

YOU GOT A TINY FOOTPRINT?

>> Chris: ALL I GOT IS THISUMBILICAL CORD.

>> ALRIGHT I REMEMBER YOU.

GET IN HERE.

>> Chris: ASHLEY.

>> DRESS THEM LIKE THE DEADBEATDAD THEY'VE NEVER MET.

>> Chris: POINTS.

YES, YES.

>> ONE'S PAPA AND THE OTHERONE'S ROACH.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: MIKE LAWRENCE.

>> WHEN YOU WANT TO LOOK LIKEYOU MANAGE THE STRIP CLUB YOUR

MOM WORKS AT.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

POINTS.

>> FINALLY, MY FRED DURSTCLONER IS A SUCCESS.

Chris: NEXT ONE THIS HANDMADEFELT BEARDED DRAGON PRINCESS

LEIA COSTUME.

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE REASONS.THAT'S WHY YOU BUY IT.

MIKE LAWRENCE.

>> BECAUSE THERE IS MORE THANONE WAY TO ABUSE AN ANIMAL.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ASHLEY.

>> SOMETHING FOR YOUR LIZARD TOWEAR BEFORE IT KILLS ITSELF.

>> [BEEP]>> Chris: ALRIGHT.

POINTS.

BLAINE.

>> PERFECT FOR PROTECTING YOURHANDS WHEN YOU [BEEP] IGUANAS.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> I'M SURPRISED IT DOESN'T SAY

ONE SIZE FETTS ALL.

>> Chris: THAT'S SO GOOD, MIKELAWRENCE. I GOTTA GIVE YOU

A HUNDRED POINTS FOR THAT.

NEXT ONE: THIS LIFE-LIKE REBORNBABY.

STILL NOT CREEPIER THAN THEFIRST TWO.

MIKE LAWRENCE.

WE PRODUCE SOMETHINGSPECIAL BECAUSE YOU CAN'T.

>> Chris: OH.

POINTS.

"IT'S-A SHIPPED FROMY ITALY.

MAMA, MAMA.

HEY MAMA.

I SO HUNGRY, MAMA.

I EAT YOUR TITTY MAMA.

AHH AHHH AHHH.

IT'S-A ME, MARIO."

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> THAT'S LIKE IF MARIO AND TOADHAD A CHILD.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: ASHLEY.

>> FINALLY A BABY YOU CAN LEAVEIN A HOT CAR.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

THAT'S REALLY -->> THE BABY IS LIKE, "WAIT, COME

BACK. DON'T LEAVE ME ATWAL-MART."

>> "DON'T WORRY, MAMA.

YOU CAN'T BREAK ME LIKE YOUBROKE THE OTHER ONE."

>> THAT WAS DESIGNED BY AGEPPETTO-PHILE.

>> Chris: A HUNDRED POINTS TOMIKE LAWRENCE FOR THAT.

NEXT ONE.

HOW ABOUT THIS OLD TIMEYPHOTOGRAPH OF A REAL DEAD NUN?

YEAH, LOOK AT THAT.

YEAH LET'S BLUR HER FACE OUT SOSHE'S NOT EMBARRASSED.

BLAINE.

>> PERFECT FOR RUBBING ONE OUTTO A DEAD NUN.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> "I SEE YOU HAVE MET MYMOTHER."

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: MIKE LAWRENCE.

>> YOU CAN CATHO-LICK HERWHEREVER YOU WANT.

>> Chris: OH, NO.

BEFORE THE BREAK, I SHOWEDYOU THIS IMAGE POSTED BY

REDDITOR TRAVELATOR, AND I ASKEDYOU TO INTRODUCE YOURSELF AS

THIS GOATEED BOMBSHELL IN AN ADFOR PEPSI SINGAPORE.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU WROTE. MIKELAWRENCE, LET'S START WITH YOU.

>> HI, I'M JEFF MIAGI.

MY BROTHER MR. CAME TO AMERICATO TEACH YOUNG ITALIAN BOYS

THE MYSTIC ARTS OF KARATE ANDCAR WAXING. I STAY HERE TO HAWK

PEPSI AND PLAY JAZZ FLUTE.ALSO, UNFORTUNATELY I TURN INTO

A DRAGON WHEN THE MOON ISAS ANGRY AS I AM.

>> Chris: WELL, I'M SOLD.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: ASHLEY.

>> HI, I'M BONG. DID YOU KNOWTHAT IF YOU HOLD THIS CAN UP TO

YOUR EAR YOU CAN HEAR MY DADCOMMIT RITUAL SUICIDES?

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: BLAINE CAPATCH.

>> HELLO PUT YOUR PENIS IN MYMOUTH TO BREAK THE SPELL.

[LAUGHING][CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME, GAMEDOODY STENCH.

A FUN FACT ABOUT DONALD TRUMP --

I'M GLAD THERE IS ONE --

HE'S THE FIRST PRESIDENTIALCANDIDATE TO HAVE HIS OWN LINE

OF FRAGRANCES, ONE OF THE MANYWAYS YOU CAN TELL THAT HE SHOULD

NOT BE PRESIDENT.

IN CASE YOU UNDERESTIMATED WHATAN ASSHOLE HE IS, ONE OF THE

FRAGRANCES IS CALLED "SUCCESS."

IT'S AN INSPIRING BLAND OF JETFUEL, CAT[BEEP] AND NANNY TEARS.

SO YOU CAN SMELL LIKE A

QUESTIONABLY MASCULINEAPOCALYPSE.

OH, IT'S [BLEEP] COLORED.

WHEN YOU'RE PUTTING IT ON SHOULDYOU BE LIKE THIS? SUCCESS.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: COMEDIANS I'M GOING TO

SHOW YOU A PHOTO OF A SO-CALLEDPRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE,

AND I WANT YOU TO DESCRIBEWHAT THEIR FRAGRANCE WOULD

SMELL LIKE, OKAY?

FIRST ONE, I'M GONNA START THECLOCK NOW. LET'S GO.

OKAY, MIKE LAWRENCE.

>> THE GARBAGE CAN HE LIVES INON SESAME STREET.

>> Chris: NEXT UP TED CRUZ.

>> GAY PORN AND CHIN CANKLES.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: CHIN CANKLES.

POINTS. NEXT UP, MARCO RUBIO.ASHLEY.

>> BASIC BITCH FOR MEN.

Chris: POINTS.

NEXT HILLARY CLINTON, MIKELAWRENCE.

>> LOVELESS MARRIAGES HAVE NOSMELL.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JEB BUSH, MIKELAWRENCE.

>> THE SMELLIEST BUSH IN ALL OFFLORIDA.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: THERE'S MORE?

>> AND I KNOW BECAUSE I WAS BORNIN FLORIDA.

Chris: ALRIGHT POINTS TO MIKELAWRENCE.