March 12, 2014 - Maria Shriver

  • 03/12/2014

Obama appears on "Between Two Ferns," Liz Wahl discusses her resignation from Russia Today, the NSA hires an advice columnist, and Maria Shriver talks "Paycheck to Paycheck."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME TO

THE REPORT.

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US.

THANK YOU, LADIES ANDGENTLEMEN.

>> STEPHEN, STEPHEN,STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Captioning sponsored by

COMEDY CENTRALTHANK YOU SO MUCH.

THANK YOU SO MUCH, LADIESAND GENTLEMEN, THANK YOU FOR

COMING.

WITH THAT KIND OF CHANTING,I FEEL, I FEEL NO WALL CAN

STAND BEFORE THE COLBERTNATION.

I AM JOSHUA AND THEY ARE MYTRUMPETS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)FOLKS, I LIKE TO HAVE FUN.

I'M A FUN GUY.

JUST ASK MY STAFF, JIMMY AM IFUN?

>> YES, SIR, YOU'RE VERY FUN.

>> Stephen: DAMN STRAIGHT.

BUT EVEN A FUN GUY LIKE MEKNOWS THERE'S A TIME AND A

PLACE FOR FUN.

AND ONE OF THOSE PLACES ISNOT WITH YOUR FINGER ON THE

BUTTON.

KNOCK KNOCKWHO'S THERE.

NOBODY.

WE WERE ALL KILLED IN ANUCLEAR WAR WHILE YOU WERE

TOO BUSY YUKING IT UP WITHYOUR HOLLYWOOD BUDDIES.

HERE'S THE DEAL.

BEEN WATCHING THE TV, YOUKNOW IT BUT HERE IT, NO ONE

HAS SIGNED UP FOR OBAMACAREGIVE OR TAKE 4.2 MILLION

PEOPLE.

OUR PRESIDENT HAS GOTTEN SODESPERATE THAT HE APPEARED

ON THIS WEB SITE FUNNY ORDIE.

BY THE WAY-- BY THE WAY-- FUNNYOR DIE IS ALSO THE ULTIMATE

UP YOU GET FROM OBAMA'SDEATH PANEL.

NOW THIS SHOW HE WENT ONBETWEEN TWO FERNS, IT WENT

VIRAL WHICH IS ALL PART OFOBAMA'S SINISTER PLAN,

SPREAD A VIRUS AND WATCHEVERYONE SCRAMBLE FOR

SIGNING UP FOR HEALTH CARE.

FOLKS, I'M NOT THEONLY ONE.

I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHOWAS ANGRY.

I AM JUST THE BEST AT IT.

THIS APPEARANCE SET OFF AFIRESTORM EVERYWHERE FROM

FOX NEWS TO LATER IN THE DAYON FOX NEWS.

(LAUGHTER)>> HOW COOL WAS THIS

PRESIDENT OBAMA SITTINGDOWN FOR AN ON-LINE

INTERVIEW.

>> SOME ARGUE IT ISINAPPROPRIATE.

>> I THINK IT'S PRETTYTRAGIC.

WHOEVER RECOMMENDED THAT HEDO THAT SHOW SHOULD BE

FIRED.

>> THIS IS WAY BENEATH THEOFFICE OF THE PRESIDENCY.

>> PRESIDENT OBAMA HITTINGTHE COMEDY CIRCUIT IS HE

GETTING THE LAST LAUGH ORMAKING A MOCKERY OF THE

OFFICE.

ZACK IS REALLY FUNNY, THEPROBLEM IS HE WON.

HE WON THAT INTERVIEW.

PRESIDENT OBAMA, THAT WASNOT A WIN FOR HIM.

>> Stephen: NO.

NO.

NO.

SHE IS-- SHE IS RIGHT.

THAT IS WHAT EVERY SHOW ISABOUT.

WHO WINS AND WHO LOSES.

AND SHE OUGHT TO KNOW.

SHE WINS THE FIVE EVERY DAY.

THE LOSER, INFORMATION.

(LAUGHTER)FOLKS, BY GOING ON THAT WEB

SHOW, FOLKS BY GOING ON THATWEB SHOW BARACK OBAMA

UNDERMINED THE AUTHORITY OFTHE PRESIDENCY.

AND THAT IS FOX NEW'S JOB.

(LAUGHTER)JUST ASK THE UNDERMINER IN

CHIEF BILL O REILLY.

>> FOR A PRESIDENT UNDERINTENSE SCRUTINY TO DO A

COMEDY SHOW RAISES SOMEQUESTIONS.

>> LOOKS LIKE PUTIN BELIEVESTHE PRESIDENT IS A

LIGHTWEIGHT, WILL A COMEDYVIDEO, COUNTER THAT?

JUST ASK HIM.

>> ALL I CAN TELL YOU IS ABELINCOLN WOULD NOT HAVE DONE

IT (LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: TRUE.

IT'S TRUE.

YOU CAN'T FIGHT THAT LOGIC.

ABE LINCOLN WOULD NEVER HAVEDONE A VIRAL WEB VIDEO.

THE MOST-- THE MOST THATPRESIDENT LINCOLN EVER DID

WAS SIT FOR A DA GUER TYPEMIM.

BUT NATION-- THE WORST PART,THE VERY WORST PART ABOUT

THIS DISASTER IS THAT ITWORKED.

IT'S GOTTEN OVER 13 MILLIONVIEWS AND WHAT WITH

EVERYBODY TALKING ABOUT IT,IT'S BOOSTED TRAFFIC TO

HEALTH CARE.GOV BY 40%.

WELL, THAT'S-- THAT STOPSHERE AND NOW.

THEY'RE NOT TRICKING ME INTOTALKING ABOUT HEALTH

CARE.GOV AND THE PRESIDENT'SAFFORDABLE CARE ACT.

JIMMY PUT THE WEB SITE ONTHE SCREEN SO I KNOW WHAT I

AM NOT TALKING ABOUT, OKAY.

YOU SEE THAT RIGHT THEREHEALTH CARE.GOV.

THAT IS THE LAST TIME THAT IEVER SAY HEALTHCARE.GOV.

JIMMY, JIMMY WHY DO I KEEPSAYING HEALTHCARE.GOV.

CUT MY MIKE, JIMMY, JIMMY,CUT MY--

(LAUGHTER)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

BACK ON, THANK YOU VERY MUCH,JIMMY.

ALL RIGHT.

NO FREE RIDE,HEALTHCARE.GOV. (BLEEP)

NOW FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH MYSHOW YOU KNOW THE COLD

WAR NEVER ENDED.

IF IT DID, THEN WHO NUKEDDETROIT?

AND EVER SINCE-- I KNOW IT'SSAD, IT'S SAD.

EVER SINCE THE FALL OFCRIMEA WE HAVE BEEN IN A COLD

WAR OF WORDS.

>> RUSSIA HAS UNLEASHED ITSPROPAGANDA MACHINE.

>> ITS PROPAGANDA WARCONTINUES.

>> THIS IS A PROPAGANASTANDOFF.

>> Stephen: AND NO ONE ISBETTER AT PROPAGANDA THAN

RUSSIA.

AND A FAMOUS MAN ONCE SAID ALIE TOLD OFTEN ENOUGH

BECOMES THE TRUTH THAT IS AGREAT QUOTE.

AND I'M THE ONE WHO SAID IT.

YES, THAT WAS ME.

I SAID THAT.

NOW IT IS MINE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)AND VLADIMIR PUTIN,

PRESIDENT OF RUSSIA HASTIGHTENED HIS GRIP ON THE

CRIMEAN MEDIA BECAUSE ALLUKRAINIAN TV CHANNELS HAVE

BEEN BLOCKED IN CRIMEA SOCRIMEANS NOW HAVE NO ACCESS

TO THEIR FAVORITE UKRAINIANSHOWS LIKE SO YOU THINK YOU

CAN PEROGUE AND THE REALMAIL ORDER LIVES OF ODESSA.

AND THE RUSSIANS HAVE BEENSECRETLY FIGHTING THIS

PROPAGANDA WAR SINCE 2005,WITH A SECRET NETWORK OF A

CABLE NETWORK.

VLADIMIR PUTIN'S GOVERNMENTMAY BE PUMPING PROPAGANDA

INTO THE HOMES OF MILLIONSOF AMERICANS WHO HAVE NO

IDEA THEY'RE WATCHING PUTINTV.

I'M TALKING ABOUT RUSSIATODAY, OR R.T. IT IS A CABLE

CHANNEL THAT IS AVAILABLE INA LOT OF HOMES.

RT CLAIMS IT REACHES 85MILLION PEOPLE HERE IN THE

UNITED STATES.

>> Stephen: YOU HEARD CNN,85 MILLION PEOPLE.

THAT IS LIKE TAKING CNN'SAUDIENCE AND MULTIPLYING IT

BY 85 MILLION.

(LAUGHTER)NOW FOLKS, I DON'T KNOW

ABOUT YOU, BUT I AM STUNNED.

WHO KNEW RT WAS KREMLIN-FUNDEDPROPAGANDA.

I WATCH IT ALL THE TIME ANDI THOUGHT IT WAS JUST

ANOTHER CABLE NEWS CHANNELTHE LATEST UPDATES ON THE

STRENGTH OF THE RUSSIANPEOPLE UNDER THEIR VISIONARY

LEADER VLADIMIR PUTIN.

LONG LIVE PUTIN, LONG LIVEMOTHER RUSSIA.

I BLACKED OUT THERE FOR AMOMENT.

(LAUGHTER)WHERE WAS I?

OH YEAH.

USING MEDIA TO BRAINWASHFOREIGNERS IS AMERICA'S

THING.

LIKE RADIO-FREE EUROPE,VOICE OF AMERICA RADIO, AND

AMERICAN PIE MOVIES.

(LAUGHTER) OPPRESEDPEOPLE OF THE WORLD COME

TO AMERICA AND BANG OURPASTRIES.

NOW FOLKS, TODAY RUSSIATODAY IS FEELING THEIR TOXIC

ANTI-AMERICAN NEWS BORSCHTINTO OUR HOMES.

>> THE MEDIA REPORTS IT ISDECADES OF TERROR ATTACKS

AGAINST THEIR OWN POPULATIONARE IN FACT ORGANIZED BY THE

CIA AND THE WHITE HOUSE.

>> AL QAEDA WAS CREATED BYTHE CIA.

THEY USE AL QAEDA TO ATTACKTHE U.S. SO THEY CAN TAKE

OUR LIBERTIES.

>> YOU'RE SAYING THAT THECIA TESTED OUT DRUGS ON

FOREIGNERS.

>> THE CIA FUNDED AN EXPERIMENTTHERE INVOLVING AEROSOL LSD.

>> THE UNITED STATES WENTDOWN TO

NICARAGUA AND ROUNDEDUP A BUNCH OF STREET PEOPLE

AND INFECTED THEM WITHSYPHILIS.

>> Stephen: THAT IS A LIE.

INFECTING NICARAGUANS WITHSYPHILIS WAS NOT A

GOVERNMENT PROGRAM IT WASMOTLEY CREW'S WORLD TOUR.

IT IS STUFF LIKE THIS THATMAKES ME SO PROUD WHEN ONE

RT ANCHOR LIZ WALL STOOD UPTO PUTIN'S SMEAR MACHINE.

>> I CANNOT BE PART OF ANETWORK FUNDED BY THE

RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT.

THAT WHITE WASHES THEACTIONS OF PUTIN.

I AM PROUD TO BE ANAMERICAN.

AND BELIEVE IN DISSEMINATINGTHE TRUTH.

AND THAT IS WHY AFTER THISNEWSCAST, I AM RESIGNING.

>> THAT WAS A BRAVE MOVE BYANCHOR LIZ WAHL.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: SHE WILL BE

MISSED.

OH, SHE'S STILL ALIVE.

AND SHE'S SITTING RIGHT NEXTTO ME?

PLEASE WELCOME FORMER RTANCHOR LIZ WAHL.

THANKS SO MUCH FOR BEINGHERE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)OKAY.

LIZ?

OKAY, EXPLAIN RUSSIA TODAYTO ME.

WHO IS MAKING THE DECISIONSON A DAILY BASIS ABOUT WHAT

GOES ON THE AIR AT RT?

>> RUSSIA TODAY IS ANENGLISH LANGUAGE NEWS

CHANNEL FUNDED BY THERUSSIAN GOVERNMENT.

>> Stephen: SO THE MONEYCOMES FROM THE KREMLIN.

>> FROM THE KREMLIN.

>> Stephen: HOW MUCH?

>> I AM NOT SURE ABOUT THAT.

I CAN'T VERIFY THAT.

UNCLEAR, I CAN'T VERIFY.

>> Stephen: WE RESEARCHEDIT.

>> REALLY.

INTERESTING.

>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.

OKAY, SO BUT WHO IS ACTUALLYMAKING, ARE YOU GETTING LIKE

MARCHING ORDERS FROMPEOPLE AT THE KREMLIN.

DO THEY HAVE PEOPLE THERE INYOUR STATION IN WASHINGTON,

D.C. SAYING DO SAY THIS, DONOT SAY THAT.

>> WELL, I DON'T DIRECTLY, ICAN TELL YOU WHAT I DON'T,

WHEN I WORKED THERE I DIDN'TSPEAK TO VLADIMIR PUTIN ON A

DAILY BASIS.

HE DIDN'T TELL ME EXACTLYWHAT TO SAY.

BUT THERE IS A KIND OF, IT'SINTERESTING.

A KIND OF SELF-CENSORSHIP,YOU KIND OF KNOW WHAT

MANAGEMENT WANTS TO HEARWHAT THEY DON'T WANT TO

HEAR.

>> Stephen: BUT YOU HEARTHAT EVERYWHERE ANY ONE

WORKS.

>> RIGHT, RIGHT.

BUT THE DIFFERENCE HERE ISTHAT WE HAVE A CONFLICT

GOING ON IN UKRAINE AND ASWE KNOW, PUTIN IS TRYING TO

KEEP THE MEDIA OUT OF THERE,KEEP OUT INTERNATIONAL

OBSERVERS.

>> Stephen: WHO IS WE? THEUNITED

STATES DOES NOT HAVE ACONFLICT IN THE UKRAINE.

RUSSIA DOES.

DO YOU WORK FOR RUSSIA OR DOYOU WORK FOR THE UNITED

STATES?

>> IT IS INTERESTING.

>> Stephen: IS THIS ANEPISODE OF THE AMERICANS

RIGHT NOW.

BECAUSE YOU'RE SEXY AND I'MSEXY AND I WOULD WATCH THIS.

>> WELL, THANK YOU, THANKYOU.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: OKAY.

WHAT IS IT LIKE OFF CAMERA?

WHO IS ACTUALLY TALKING TOYOU THAT WE CAN'T SEE, IS IT

MOSTLY MEN WEARING CAMEOPANTS AND NO SHIRTS?

SAYING LIKE IS GOOD, IS GOOD,YES, LIZ, IS GOOD.

>> WHAT ARE YOUR COWORKERSLIKE.

>> THEY ARE AMERICAN.

>> Stephen: SO WHERE ARETHESE RUSSIANS THAT ARE

PUTTING THE PRESSURE ON YOU.

>> A MEDLEY OF PEOPLE.

>> Stephen: A RUSSIAN MEDLEYLIKE PEAS AND CARROTS

>> THE NEWS DIRECTOR THEREIS RUSSIAN AND I THINK HE

ULTIMATELY ANSWERS TO THEKREMLIN.

AND THERE'S KIND OF MIDDLEMANAGEMENT THAT KIND OF

KEEPS THE REPORTERS IN LINEWHICH APPARENTLY DIDN'T WORK

FOR ME.

>> Stephen: NOW THAT YOU'VERESIGNED, ARE YOU OFFICIALLY

A MEMBER OF PUSSY RIOT?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> NOT YET.

>> Stephen: NOT YET.

WELL, LIZ, THANK YOU SO MUCHFOR JOINING ME.

LIZ WAHL.

>> THANK YOU SO MUCH.

>> Stephen: UNEMPLOYED.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

NATION NATION, IT'S NOSECRET THAT I AM A HUGE FAN

OF THE NSA AND I SUPPORTTHEIR UNLIMITED BUDGET AND

ZERO SUPERVISION. BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY,

ABSOLUTE POWER SUCCEEDSABSOLUTELY.

AND I'M SICK AND TIRED OFTHE PEOPLE STRESSING OUT

ABOUT THE NSA SPECIFICALLY,PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE NSA

THANKFULLY THEY HAVE ACUTTING EDGE SYSTEM TO DEAL

WITH EMPLOYEE STRESS.

>> WHO KNEW AMERICA'S SPIESHAD THEIR OWN DEAR ABBEY.

ACCORDING TO THE HILLNEWSPAPER, NSA EMPLOYEES

SEND THEIR PERSONAL ANDWORKPLACE QUESTIONS TO ASK

ZELDA, A POPULAR COLUMN ANDA BULLETIN ON THE AGENCY'S

INTERNET.

>> Stephen: THE NSA HAS ITSOWN DEAR ABBEY AND SHE GETS

A LOT OF LETTERS, SOME OFWHICH WERE SENT TO HER.

NOW ZELDA'S FIRST COLUMN WASABOUT PROPER OFFICE ATTIRE

IN THE SUMMER.

SHE WRITES NOT ONLY IS BEACHATTIRE UNPROFESSIONAL IN THE

WORKPLACE, BUT IN CERTAINCASES IT CAN BE DOWN RIGHT

DISTRACTING TO COWORKERS IFYOU GET MY DRIFT.

I DO, ZELDA.

IF YOUR COWORKER CAN'T KEEPHIS EYES OFF YOUR BARE LEGS

HOW IS HE SUPPOSED TO KEEPHIS EYES ON THE PERSON HE IS

WATCHING UNDRESS THROUGHTHEIR LAPTOP CAMERA?

PERHAPS MY FAVORITE ZELDALETTER COMES FROM AN AGENT

WHO WROTE IN TO COMPLAIN THATWHEN THE BOSS SEES COWORKERS

HAVING A QUIET CONVERSATION,HE WANTS TO KNOWS WHAT'S

BEING SAID.

HE HAS HIS DESIGNATEDSNITCHES AND EXPECTS THEM TO

KEEP HIM APPRISED.

NOW WE'RE MORE SUSPICIOUS OFEACH OTHER AND TEAM WORK IS

BECOMING HARDER.

THIS SNITCH PROGRAM IS JUSTANOTHER EXAMPLE OF THE NSA'S

FAMOUS TOTAL INFORMATIONAWARENESS AND TOTAL IRONY

UNAWARENESS.

(LAUGHTER)AND ZELDA HAS GOT THE ANSWER

FOR THESE CONCERNS TOO.

IF YOU ARE BOTHERED BYSNITCHES, THE BEST SOLUTION

IS TO KEEP YOUR BEHAVIOURABOVE REPROACH.

EXACTLY.

REMEMBER, NSA EMPLOYEES,SURVEILLANCE IS DESIGNED TO

ROOT OUT TREASON.

SO IT SHOULDN'T BOTHER YOUIF YOU ARE NOT HIDING

ANYTHING.

AND SINCE NOTHING CAN BEHIDDEN FROM THE NSA, NOTHING

IS BOTHERING YOU.

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,EVERYBODY.

MY GUEST TONIGHT HAS A NEWDOCUMENTARY ABOUT IMPOVERISHED

AMERICANS, I ASSUME IT'SABOUT PEOPLE WHO MAKE

DOCUMENTARIES.

PLEASE WELCOME MARIA SHRIVER.

-- SHRIVER.

HEY, GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

THANKS FOR COMING BACK.

ALL RIGHT.

HOW HAVE YOU BEEN, THIRDTIME BACK, GOOD TO SEE YOU.

>> I'M SO HAPPY TO BE BACK.

>> Stephen: WHAT ARE YOUDOING, WORKING OVER AT RT?

THEY GOT AN OPENING.

>> THEY HAVE AN OPENING.

I NEED AN ANCHOR JOB.

>> Stephen: YOU ARE APEABODY AND EMMY

AWARD-WINNING JOURNALIST,SIX-TIME "NEW YORK TIMES"

BEST SELLING AUTHOR, FORMERFIRST LADY OF CALIFORNIA,

NBC SPECIAL ANCHOR.

YOU HAVE A NEW DOCUMENTARY,ARE YOU IMPRESSED WITH

YOURSELF.

>> I AM, WOW, WHEN YOU SAYIT LIKE THAT, WOW.

>> Stephen: A NEW DOCUMENTCALLED PAYCHECK TO PAYCHECK,

THE LIFE AND TIMES OFKATRINA GILBERT THAT

PREMIERS ON HBO, 9:00 P.M.

ON MONDAY.

>> St. PATRICK'S DAY.

SO THE LUCK OF THE IRISH ISGOING TO CARRY US.

>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, NOWIS THIS THAT SHOW WITH WOODY

HARRELSON AND McCONNEGHEY.

>> YEAH.

I'M LOOKING FOR AN OSCARLIKE McCONNEGHEY.

>> Stephen: WHO IS KATRINAGILBERT AND WHY ARE WE

TALKING ABOUT HER?

>> WELL, WE'RE TALKING ABOUTHER BECAUSE SHE IS LIKE 42

MILLION WOMEN IN THISCOUNTRY WHO ARE RAISING KIDS,

28 MILLION KIDS AND THEY ARETURNING IN AND OUT OF POVERTY

IN THE THIS COUNTRY.

WE DID A WHOLE SHRIVERREPORT ON THEM THEY ARE

WORKING HARD TRYING TO GETTHEM SELVES OFF THE BRINK OF

POVERTY.

GET THEIR KIDS OFF OF IT ANDTHIS HER STORY AND A STORY

BEING REPRESENTED ALL ACROSSTHE COUNTRY.

>> Stephen: WE'LL GET TO THESHRIVER REPORT IN JUST A

SECOND.

I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITHYOU ABOUT THAT.

BUT THE IMPORTANT THING, YOUGAVE THIS TO ME.

>> I DON'T THINK YOU READ IT,DID YOU READ IT.

>> Stephen: NO.

>> YOU DIDN'T READ IT.

>> NO, NO, NO>> Stephen: NO, WHY SHOULD

I-- THIS IS A POOR PERSON.

>> THIS IS A WORKING WOMAN.

>> Stephen: YOU SAID POOR.

>> , ON THE BRINK.

>> Stephen: ON THE BRINK.

>> AND YOU SHOULD CARE.

>> Stephen: WHY SHOULD ICARE?

>> OH, GOOD-- .

>> Stephen: DON'T GET MYWRONG.

I MEAN I'M A REALLY GOODGUY.

>> I KNOW.

>> Stephen: I'M A GOOD GUYBUT WHY SHOULD I TRY TO

UNDERSTAND SOMEBODY ELSE'SEXPERIENCE.

I BARELY UNDERSTAND MY OWNEXPERIENCE.

>> WELL, MAYBE IT WILL BEEASIER TO UNDERSTAND HER

EXPERIENCE IF YOU WATCH THISFILM BECAUSE YOU'LL SEE

HOW HARD SHE'S WORKING.

YOU'LL SEE WHAT SHE ISTRYING TO DO FOR HER

CHILDREN.

YOU'LL SEE THAT SHE ISCARING FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVE

ALZHEIMER'S.

>> Stephen: THIS IS LEFTWING PROPAGANDA TRYING TO

RAISE THE MINIMUM WAGE.

>> NO IT'S NOT.

>> Stephen: THIS IS ALL ITIS, LET'S RAISE THE MINIMUM

WAGE AND STEPHEN HAS TO PAY 7CENTS MORE FOR THE CURLEY

FRIES.

>> THAT IS THE DEEP STORYHERE.

>> NO, THE DEEP STORY HEREIS THAT MILLIONS AND

MILLIONS OF WOMEN AREOCCUPYING MINIMUM WAGE JOBS.

>> Stephen: WHAT ABOUT MEN,WHY DO YOU DIVIDE TO WOMEN.

>> I LOVE MEN, I WANT TO DOA REPORT ON MEN, I WANT

TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING ONWITH MEN.

>> Stephen: I'LL TELL YOU WHATMEN

DON'T DO-- MEN DON'T GO OUTTHERE AND SAY I'M ALL POOR.

WE DON'T DO THAT, OKAY.

YOU TAKE THOSE EMOTIONS ANDWE STUFF THEM DOWN.

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: UNTIL OUR HEARTBURSTS AT 53, OKAY.

>> HOW DO YOU THINK SHE GOTPREGNANT.

>> Stephen: FROM A MAN?

>> YEAH WOW.

>> Stephen: THAT CAN HAPPENFROM ANYBODY, YOU KNOW.

A BUNCH OF LESBIANS WITH ATURKEY BASTER THAT IS YOUR

PLAN.

>> OH, OH, OH.

>> Stephen: SEE THIS ISVIOLENCE.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

I LOVE-- .

>> Stephen: POOR PEOPLE.

>> I LOVE THAT YOU KNOWWHAT A TURKEY BASTER IS.

>> Stephen: I KNOW WHAT ATURKEY BASTER IS, I

COOKED A TURKEY BEFORE.

I USE IT FOR TURKEYS.

HERE IS WHAT I DON'T GET,YOU KNOW THAT POOR

PEOPLE-- I'M SURE SHE IS ALOVELY LADY.

>> THAT IS NOT KATRINA.

>> Stephen: OKAY THIS ISLIKE THE SHRIVER REPORT.

>> BUT KATRINA IS IN THEINSIDE.

>> Stephen: THAT'S FINE.

>> KATRINA IS ON HBO.

>> Stephen: I'M NOT GOINGTO READ THE WHOLE DAMN BOOK

TO THE PEOPLE RIGHT NOW.

>> WHY.

>> Stephen: POOR PEOPLEDON'T WORK HARD ENOUGH.

THAT'S WHY I AM RICH ANDTHEY ARE POOR.

I WORK HARDER.

>> OH, ARE YOU SO WRONG.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: OKAY.

SO WE HAVE A FREE MARKETSYSTEM.

IF YOU WORK HARD, YOU GETAHEAD.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT.

SHOOT A HOLE IN WESTERNCULTURE.

>> I'M TALKING ABOUT THE 42MILLION WOMEN WHO ARE LIVING

ON THE BRINK, WORKING REALLYHARD, 7, 8 DAYS, TAKING CARE

OF PEOPLE'S PARENTS.

TRYING TO EDUCATE THEIR KIDS,TRYING TO FULFILL THE

AMERICAN DREAM JUST LIKEYOU.

THIS IS-- .

>> Stephen: JESUS CHRIST,THERE WILL BE POOR ALWAYS.

ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH THEMAN.

>> YES.

>> Stephen: .

>> I THOUGHT ABOUT BECOMINGA NUN.

>> Stephen: HOW DID THATWORK OUT.

>> DON'T TELL ME YOU NEVERTHOUGHT ABOUT BECOMING A

PRIEST.

>> Stephen: NO I THOUGHTABOUT IT I WAS AN ALTER BOY

FOR 11 YEARS, I THOUGHTABOUT IT.

>> HOW DID THAT GO.

>> Stephen: I LOVE THELADIES.

ALL RIGHT.

NOW LISTEN, BUT WHAT CAN ANAVERAGE GUY LIKE ME WHAT CAN

I DO, WHAT CAN THESE PEOPLEOUT HERE, BECAUSE THESE

PEOPLE CAN CHANGE THE WORLD,NOT ME.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: WHAT CAN WE DO

FOR PEOPLE LIKE KATRINA.

>> FIRST OF ALL WE CAN TELLOUR DAUGHTERS TO THINK OF

THEMSELVES AS PROVIDERS.

WE CAN TELL OUR DAUGHTERS TOSTAY IN SCHOOL AS LONG AS

POSSIBLE AND TO DELAY HAVINGCHILDREN UNTIL YOU HAVE AN

EDUCATION.

BECAUSE IT IS A DIRECTCORELATION BETWEEN YOUR

EDUCATION AND THE AMOUNT OFMONEY THAT YOU CAN MAKE SO

THAT IS REALLY IMPORTANT.

>> Stephen: HERE IS THE BONEI HAVE TO PICK WITH YOU.

THIS IS CALLED THE SHRIVERREPORT.

>> YES, THAT'S MY NAME.

>> Stephen: YOU STARTED THISIN 2009.

>> NOT THIS ONE.

>> Stephen: NO, BUT YOUSTARTED THE SHRIVER REPORTS

IN 2009.

>> RIGHT.

>> Stephen: AND WHERE DIDYOU GET THE IDEA TO HAVE

YOUR NAME AND THE WORDREPORT AFTER IT, WAS IT

PERHAPS WHEN YOU CAME ON MYSHOW IN 2008.

>> YES.

>> Stephen: I WILL SEE YOUIN COURT.

MARIA, THANK YOU SO MUCH FORJOINING ME.

MARIA SHRIVER, THE SHRIVERREPORT, PAYCHECK TO PAYCHECK,

ON HBO MONDAY NIGHTS.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FORTHE REPORT, EVERYBODY, GOOD

NIGHT Captioning sponsored by

COMEDY CENTRAL Captioned by

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