CC Presents: Greg Warren

  • 01/11/2009

UM...

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I LOOK MARRIED.

WOMEN TELL ME THAT ALL THE TIME.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY MEAN,

BUT I DON'T THINKIT'S A COMPLIMENT.

I THINK THEY'RE SAYING,"YOU LOOK DEFEATED."

I ASKED MY FRIEND NIKKI,I WAS LIKE,

"WHAT DOES THAT MEAN --I LOOK MARRIED?"

SHE GOES, "WELL, IT LOOKS LIKEYOU DON'T EVEN TRY ANYMORE."

"I THOUGHT WOMEN WERE ATTRACTEDWHEN GUYS DIDN'T TRY."

"NO, NO. THOSE GUYSDON'T HAVE TO TRY.

YOU NEED TO TRY."

MY FRIENDS ARE ALL MARRIED,YOU KNOW?

THEY LIVE VICARIOUSLYTHROUGH ME,

WHICH IS A SHAME FOR THEM,YOU KNOW.

EVERY TIME I GO ON A DATE,THEY'LL CALL ME UP, YOU KNOW?

"DUDE, WHAT HAPPENEDLAST NIGHT?"

"UH, WE WENT OUT TO EAT."

"YEAH, WHATEVER, MAN.AFTER THAT. AFTER THAT."

"WELL, WE WENT BACKTO MY PLACE."

[ Slyly ] "YEAH.THEN WHAT?"

"WELL, WE STARTED MAKING OUT."

"YEAH! THEN WHAT?"

"WELL, THEN, UH, SHE WENT HOME."

"SHE WENT HOME?

"WHAT THE [BLEEP] DO YOU MEANSHE WENT HOME?

"SHE WENT HOME?I'M MARRIED, MAN.

"YOU THINK I WANT TO HEARABOUT SOME GIRL GOING --

"I LIVE WITH A WOMAN365 DAYS A YEAR!

I WANT HER TO GO HOME."

THEY GET SO MAD, YOU KNOW?

I'M JUST GONNA STARTMAKING STUFF UP

SO THEY FEEL BETTER, RIGHT?

"ALL RIGHT, MAN.SO, WE GET BACK TO MY PLACE."

"YEAH?"

"AND SHE WANTS TO GETIN THE SHOWER."

[ Slyly ] "YEAH."

"AND THAT'S WHEN I FOUND OUTSHE WAS A MERMAID."

"YEAH!

"THAT'S WHATI'M TALKING ABOUT, DOG!

"THAT'S MY BOY WARREN!THAT'S MY BOY WARREN!

GIVING IT TO THE MERMAID!GIVING IT TO THE MERMAID!"

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"MERMAID!

WHAT HAPPENED IN THE SHOWER?"

"AH, SHE SWAM HOME."

AND I WAS RIDINGTHE EXERCISE BIKE,

AND I GOT CAUGHT STARINGAT THIS GIRL, YOU KNOW?

SHE WALKED BY, I'M LIKE...

SHE CATCHES ME.

I TRY AND PLAY IT OFF

LIKE I ALWAYS JERK MY HEADAROUND LIKE THAT.

I'M LIKE...

YEAH, I DIDN'T WANTTO LOOK LIKE A PERVERT.

INSTEAD, I LOOK LIKEA MENTALLY UNSTABLE PERVERT.

WOKE UP THIS MORNINGIN THE HOTEL,

AND I COULDN'T FIGURE OUTHOW TO WORK THE SHOWER.

THAT'S HUMILIATING.

YOU'RE JUST STANDING THERE,NAKED, CONFUSED.

I MEAN, THE SHOWER

HAD LIKE EIGHT DIFFERENTSETTINGS ON IT -- EIGHT.

YOU COULD PICKWHICHEVER ONE YOU WANT.

PROBLEM IS, ONLY ONE OF THEMMADE ANY SENSE AT ALL.

IT'S LIKE, "YEAH, I WANT THE ONEWHERE THE WATER COMES OUT

AND HITS ME, OKAY?"

NOT THE TWO LASERS GOING OFFTO THE SIDE, NOT "MASSAGE."

I DON'T KNOW WHAT "MASSAGE"IS SUPPOSED TO FEEL LIKE,

BUT I DON'T THINKIT'S A CAMEL SPITTING ON YOU

EVERY SEVEN SECONDS.

I MEAN, THEY'RE NOTREAL CHOICES.

IT DOESN'T MATTERHOW MANY YOU GOT.

IT'S LIKE GOINGTO THE ICE-CREAM STORE.

"YEAH, WE GOT 100 FLAVORS.WE GOT CHOCOLATE.

"WE GOT BACON,

"MOTOR OIL, ANVIL,CIGARETTE LIGHTER,

MARSHALL TUCKER BAND."

I'M SURE YOU'VE HEARD THIS.

"YOU CAN STAYAT A FOUR-STAR HOTEL

FOR THE SAME PRICEAS A ONE-STAR HOTEL."

THE PROBLEM IS,YOU'RE GONNA HAVE PEOPLE

THAT ARE USED TO STAYINGAT ONE-STAR HOTELS

AT FOUR-STAR HOTELS.

AND THERE'S NOTHINGONE-STAR PEOPLE LIKE BETTER

THAN THE HOTEL POOL.

IT'S LIKE THEY'VE NEVER SEENWATER BEFORE.

I MEAN, THEY'RE SPLASHINGEACH OTHER, DOING CANNONBALLS.

THERE'S A BASSET HOUNDIN THE POOL.

YEAH, THE DAD IS YELLINGAT ALL OF HIS KIDS.

"TIMMY! TERRY! TOMMY! TONY!"

THEY ALL BEGIN WITH THE SAMEFIRST LETTER IN THOSE FAMILIES.

OR THEY RHYME.

"RANDY! ANDY! SANDY! CANDY!

MANDY! DANDY! FANDY! BOB!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"BOB?"

"THAT'S MY SISTER'S BOY.

SHE'S IN PRISON."

THEY'RE ALWAYS DOWNIN THE LOBBY COMPLAINING.

"I PAID FOR THISON THE INTERNET!

"DIDN'T SAY NOTHINGON THE INTERNET

"ABOUT THE POOL CLOSING AT 9:30!

I'M GONNA SUE YOUR ASS!"

ONE-STAR PEOPLE WILL THREATEN A LAWSUIT.

BUT THEY WILL SETTLEOUTSIDE OF COURT.

I'VE NOTICED THAT, RIGHT?

"I'LL TELL YOU WHAT --

"YOU GIVE ME THREE FREE MOVIESAND A ZAGNUT BAR,

I WILL MAKETHE WHOLE THING GO AWAY."

YOU BEEN TO ONE OF THOSE?

I'M FROM ST. LOUIS.WE HAVE A LOT OF THOSE.

YEAH, YEAH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

USUALLY AT THE VFW HALL, RIGHT?

NOT THE RECEPTION --

THE WEDDING WASAT THE VFW HALL, RIGHT?

THEY HAD THE DOLLAR DANCE.YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

BASICALLY, YOU PAY A DOLLARTO DANCE WITH THE --

BASICALLY,THE GROOM GETS MARRIED

AND IMMEDIATELY TURNS HIS NEWBRIDE INTO A CARNIVAL RIDE.

"HONEY, I WILL LOVE YOUFOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

YOU WANT TO TAKE A SHOT AT HER?IT'S A DOLLAR!"

SO, A FIGHT BROKE OUTAT THE WEDDING, RIGHT?

IMAGINE THAT.[ CHUCKLES ]

THESE TWO GUYS, THEY WEREGETTING READY TO GO, MAN.

THEY WERE SQUARING UP,YOU KNOW, LIKE THIS.

AND I NOTICED ONE OF THE GUYS'GIRLFRIENDS GOT UP AND LEFT.

I WAS LIKE, "OH,SHE MUST HAVE HAD ENOUGH."

TILL SHE CAME BACK INDRAGGING A LOG.

SHE HAD A LOG,AND SHE POINTED TO THE LOG

AND SAID TO HER BOYFRIEND,"BILLY!

DO HIM LIKE YOU DONE DARYL!"

THAT'S RIGHT --"DO HIM LIKE YOU DONE DARYL."

APPARENTLY, THERE'S A GUY NAMEDDARYL IN A PREVIOUS ALTERCATION

THAT GOT LOGGED, OKAY?

WHEN I SAY "LOGGED," I DON'TMEAN THAT HE HAD HIS NAME

ENTERED INTO A DATABASE, NO.

I'M PRETTY SURE DARYL WASIN A HOSPITAL BED SOMEWHERE

PICKING BARK OUT OF HIS TEETH.

"DO HIM LIKE --"IF YOU HEAR THAT, RUN, OKAY?

THERE IS A WOMANWHO SUPPORTS HER MAN,

KNOWS HIS WEAPON OF CHOICE,HAS IT ON HAND.

I MEAN, SHE HAD IT ON HAND.

SHE WENT OUT AND CAMERIGHT BACK IN WITH A LOG,

WHICH LEADS ME TO BELIEVETHEY BROUGHT A LOG.

LIKE, THEY'RE, "HONEY,AS SOON AS YOU GET DONE

"PUTTING YOUR MAKEUP ON,GET A LOG.

THERE'S GONNA BE TROUBLE!"

I GOT IN A FIGHT ONE TIMEIN A MALL IN COLUMBUS, OHIO.

THREE GUYS JUMPED ME.

MY GIRLFRIEND AT THE TIMEJUST RAN AROUND AND CRIED.

[ WAILING ]

SHE DIDN'T HAVE A LOG.

I WAS LIKE, "WHY DIDN'T YOUBRING A LOG AND THEN YELL,

'DO 'EM LIKE YOU DONE DARYL'?"

"I DON'T KNOW ANYBODYNAMED DARYL."

WELL, THEY DON'T KNOW THAT!TRUST ME.

YOU SEE A CRAZY BITCH COMING INWITH A PIECE OF A TREE,

FIGHT'S OVER, ALL RIGHT?

THAT'S BASIC ONE-STAR TACTICS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

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