Chris Spencer, Nore Davis & Rob Stapleton

  • Season 2, Ep 6
  • 02/17/2012

Chris Spencer and his wife meet a pair of swingers, Nore Davis cries for teen moms, and Rob Stapleton knows New York City roaches are gangster.

TO THE ICE CREAM,

AND IT'S CALLEDBANANA PUDDING ICE CREAM.

- THAT'S NASTY, J.B.

REALLY, YOU CAN'TGET IN THE CAR.

- THIS IS YOU--THIS IS YOU, RIGHT HERE?

PLEASE TELL METHIS AIN'T YOU.

[laughing]

- J.B., YOU'REKINDA NASTY, MAN.

YOU SHOULDN'T GET INTHE CAR WITH THE CONE.

- NO-NO-NO-NO-NO.- GET RID OF THE CONE.

- PLEASE TELL ME HOWYOU GOT A LOANED CAR

AND IT'S[indistinct] JOHNSON.

I DON'T KNOW, MAN.- J.B., THAT'S NASTY.

- BRING YOUR ASS INTHE HOUSE, BOY!

THIS AIN'T YOURHOUSE ANYHOW!

YOU KNOW WHO'SHOUSE, JEROME?

IT'S RUN'S HOUSE--WHY YOU WON'T SAY IT, MAN?

- J.B., J.B., STOP--MOVE THE CONE.

- HEY, MAN.- GET THE CONE AWAY.

GET THE CONE AWAY.- JUST-JUST RELAX.

HEY, JEROME--HOLD MY SHOES.

- J.B., THAT'S KENNY.

- I DON'T KNOW WHY I WORETHESE SHOES ANYWAY.

- PLEASE, DON'T GET INTHE CAR WITH THE CONE.

- RELAX-- HEY, I'M AGROWN-ASS MAN.

I KNOW HOW TO EATICE CREAM, OKAY?

- IT'S ALL RIGHT-- GET IN--MOVE OVER.

MOVE OVER.

MOVE OVER SOME MORE--OVER A LITTLE MORE.

MOVE OVER SOME MORE--A LITTLE MORE.

A LITTLE MORE--MORE.

PERFECT.- WHAT THE HELL?

JEROME!

BRAIN FREEZE.

EASY ON MY SNEAKERS?

SEE?

WHEN YOU GET BRAND-NEW NIKESON, YOU ALWAYS WALK LIKE THIS.

RIGHT, PLAY BOYS?

SOMETHIN' WRONGWIT' YOU LIKE THAT.

LIKE-- YOU DON'TGIVE A DAMN, RIGHT?

YOU DON'T GIVE A DAMN--YOU'LL TAKE A CHANCE

ON YOUR LIFE TO SAVE YOURDAMN SNEAKERS, RIGHT?

A COP WILL ROLL UP-- THINKYOU'RE SOMEBODY ELSE.

"GET ON THE GROUND,YOU-YOU SCUMBAG!"

YOU'RE LIKE,"LOOK IT, OFFICER.

"CALM DOWN--JUST CALM DOWN, OFFICER.

"CALM DOWN--JUST CALM DOWN.

"I'M GONNA TAKEMY SNEAKERS OFF.

[laughing]

"OKAY-- OKAY--JUST CALM DOWN.

"CALM YOUR ASS DOWN,OFFICER.

"TAKIN' OFF MY SNEAKERS.

"OKAY, YOU GOT ME.

"YOU GOT ME-- YOU GOT ME--YOU GOT ME!"

[applause]

[cheering]

ME AND MY WIFE WEREWALKING DOWN THE STREET,

AND WE GOT APPROACHEDBY SOME SWINGERS.

ANY SWINGERS HERE?

SWINGERS?- WHOO!

- SOMEBODY?

FIRST OF ALL,IT'S NASTY.

SO, THIS DUDECOMES UP TO ME.

HE SAYS, "HEY, MAN.

"UH, HEY, I THINK YOURWIFE IS GORGEOUS, HOMEY.

"UH, ME AND MY WIFE WANNAKNOW IF YA'LL WANNA GET DOWN."

I WAS LIKE,"NO, I'M COOL."

HE'S LIKE, "FOR REAL, THOUGH,MAN-- "YOU KNOW, WE SWINGERS.

"WE WANNA KNOW WHATYA'LL WANNA DO."

AND HE TOUCHEDMY WIFE'S FACE.

I SAID, "IF YOU TOUCHMY WIFE, AGAIN,

"WE WILL BE SWINGIN'."

AND THEN, I TOOKA LOOK AT HIS WIFE.

I WAS LIKE, "UH, HOMEY,THIS AIN'T NO FAIR TRADE.

"I GOT HALLE BERRY--YOU GOT CHUCK BERRY.

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I WANNASLEEP WITH THIS MONKEY, OKAY?"

YOU HAVE TO TAKEA PROSTATE EXAM.

HOW MANY PEOPLE,MEN HERE, BLACK MEN,

IT'S VERY IMPORTANT,HAVE HAD PROSTATE EXAMS?

THE REST OF YOUARE GOING TO DIE.

YOU HAVE TO GETA PROSTATE EXAM.

NOW, LET ME EXPLAIN.

YES, IT SOUNDS NASTY, BUTIT WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE, OKAY?

NOW, THE FIRST TIMEI WENT, IT WAS COOL.

HE WENT LIKE THIS--HE PULLED IT OUT.

I WAS LIKE,"EVERYTHING OKAY?"

HE SAID, "YOU'RE FINE--GO AHEAD AND LEAVE."

I WENT AND GOTIT DONE, AGAIN.

IT WASA LITTLE DIFFERENT.

HE PUT IT IN, AND HEWAS THERE FOR A WHILE.

I WAS LIKE,"EVERYTHING OKAY, DOC?"

HE'S LIKE, "YEAH, YEAH."

I'M LIKE, "YOU'VE BEENIN THERE FOR A WHILE.

"DID YOU LOSE YOURWEDDING RING?

"WHAT'S-WHAT'SGOING ON, CHIEF?"

HE'S LIKE, "QUITACTING LIKE A BITCH."

I'M LIKE, "OH, MY GOD--OKAY, I'M SORRY."

I SAID-- HE SAID--I WAS LIKE, "COME ON, MAN.

"LET'S GET IT GOING--"HE SAID, "WHAT'S WRONG?"

I SAID, "YOU'RE [bleep]ME, RIGHT NOW, SIR."

[laughing]

I SAID, "COULD YOU GETOUT OF MY ASS, PLEASE?"

HE'S LIKE, "COME ON, MAN--STOP ACTING LIKE THAT."

I WAS LIKE, "FIRST OF ALL,WHY IS LUTHER PLAYIN'?

"AND WHERE'D THE REDLIGHT COME FROM?

"WHAT'S GOING ON, SIR?"

HE'S LIKE,"WHOSE PROSTATE IS THIS?"

I'M LIKE, "IF YOU DON'TGET OFF ME--" HE'S LIKE,

"QUIT ACTING LIKE A BITCHAND GO GET ME A BEER."

I WAS LIKE [gasp].

"ARE YOU GONNA CALL ME?"

EVERYBODY HERE GOTCELL PHONES, RIGHT?

YEAH?

WHY IS IT, WHEN YOU'REON YOUR CELL PHONE,

AND YOU CAN'T HEAR SOMEBODY,THE ONLY THING YOU CAN HEAR IS,

"I'LL CALL YOU BACK?"

"WHAT'S UP, RUSS--WHERE YOU AT?

"I SAID,WHERE ARE YOU?"

AND WHY DOPEOPLE DO THIS?

THE PHONE IS DESIGNEDTO TALK LIKE THIS.

I HATE PEOPLEWHO DO THIS.

"HA-HA-HA--YOU CRAZY!

"WHERE YOU AT--"THIS IS NOT A C.B.

WHAT ARE YOU?

BREAKER-BREAKERSTOP [bleep], OKAY?

"WHERE YOU AT--YOU A FOOL.

"WHERE YOU AT--I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

"YOU GONNA CALL ME BACK--ALL RIGHT-- CALL ME BACK.

"CALL ME BACK."

AND WHY DO WE GET SO MADWHEN WE CAN'T HEAR 'EM?

"WHERE ARE YOU?

"IT'S YOUR CHEAP PHONE!"I GOT SIX BARS, BITCH.

"I GOT SIX--YOU GONNA CALL ME BACK?

"ALL RIGHT-- CALL ME BACK--CALL ME BACK."

WHAT I ALSO DON'T UNDERSTANDIS, LIKE, TIGER WOODS

AND ALL THESE GUYS ARESTARTING TO GET CAUGHT,

'CAUSE THEYHAVE ONE PHONE.

WHY WOULD TIGER WOODS,WITH ALL THE MONEY HE HAS,

HAVE ONE PHONE?

PHONES ARE $100.

I SAW A BUS-BOYIN THE BACK.

HE HAD A PHONENECKLACE, OKAY?

THEY'RE CHEAP.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHIN'--IF I HAD TIGER'S MONEY,

I WOULDN'T EVENHAVE A PHONE.

I'D HAVE A BROTHER NAMED"BARRY" ANSWERING ALL MY CALLS.

I'D BE LIKE,"BLACK BARRY, WHO CALLED ME?

"WHO?

"YOU GONNA CALL ME BACK?

"CALL ME BACK-- CALL ME BACK--CALL ME BACK."