Chris Spencer, Nore Davis & Rob Stapleton

  • Season 2, Ep 6
  • 02/17/2012

Chris Spencer and his wife meet a pair of swingers, Nore Davis cries for teen moms, and Rob Stapleton knows New York City roaches are gangster.

TO THE ICE CREAM,

AND IT'S CALLEDBANANA PUDDING ICE CREAM.

- THAT'S NASTY, J.B.

REALLY, YOU CAN'TGET IN THE CAR.

- THIS IS YOU--THIS IS YOU, RIGHT HERE?

PLEASE TELL METHIS AIN'T YOU.

[laughing]

- J.B., YOU'REKINDA NASTY, MAN.

YOU SHOULDN'T GET INTHE CAR WITH THE CONE.

- NO-NO-NO-NO-NO.- GET RID OF THE CONE.

- PLEASE TELL ME HOWYOU GOT A LOANED CAR

AND IT'S[indistinct] JOHNSON.

I DON'T KNOW, MAN.- J.B., THAT'S NASTY.

- BRING YOUR ASS INTHE HOUSE, BOY!

THIS AIN'T YOURHOUSE ANYHOW!

YOU KNOW WHO'SHOUSE, JEROME?

IT'S RUN'S HOUSE--WHY YOU WON'T SAY IT, MAN?

- J.B., J.B., STOP--MOVE THE CONE.

- HEY, MAN.- GET THE CONE AWAY.

GET THE CONE AWAY.- JUST-JUST RELAX.

HEY, JEROME--HOLD MY SHOES.

- J.B., THAT'S KENNY.

- I DON'T KNOW WHY I WORETHESE SHOES ANYWAY.

- PLEASE, DON'T GET INTHE CAR WITH THE CONE.

- RELAX-- HEY, I'M AGROWN-ASS MAN.

I KNOW HOW TO EATICE CREAM, OKAY?

- IT'S ALL RIGHT-- GET IN--MOVE OVER.

MOVE OVER.

MOVE OVER SOME MORE--OVER A LITTLE MORE.

MOVE OVER SOME MORE--A LITTLE MORE.

A LITTLE MORE--MORE.

PERFECT.- WHAT THE HELL?

JEROME!

BRAIN FREEZE.

EASY ON MY SNEAKERS?

SEE?

WHEN YOU GET BRAND-NEW NIKESON, YOU ALWAYS WALK LIKE THIS.

RIGHT, PLAY BOYS?

SOMETHIN' WRONGWIT' YOU LIKE THAT.

LIKE-- YOU DON'TGIVE A DAMN, RIGHT?

YOU DON'T GIVE A DAMN--YOU'LL TAKE A CHANCE

ON YOUR LIFE TO SAVE YOURDAMN SNEAKERS, RIGHT?

A COP WILL ROLL UP-- THINKYOU'RE SOMEBODY ELSE.

"GET ON THE GROUND,YOU-YOU SCUMBAG!"

YOU'RE LIKE,"LOOK IT, OFFICER.

"CALM DOWN--JUST CALM DOWN, OFFICER.

"CALM DOWN--JUST CALM DOWN.

"I'M GONNA TAKEMY SNEAKERS OFF.

[laughing]

"OKAY-- OKAY--JUST CALM DOWN.

"CALM YOUR ASS DOWN,OFFICER.

"TAKIN' OFF MY SNEAKERS.

"OKAY, YOU GOT ME.

"YOU GOT ME-- YOU GOT ME--YOU GOT ME!"

[applause]

[cheering]

ME AND MY WIFE WEREWALKING DOWN THE STREET,

AND WE GOT APPROACHEDBY SOME SWINGERS.

ANY SWINGERS HERE?

SWINGERS?- WHOO!

- SOMEBODY?

FIRST OF ALL,IT'S NASTY.

SO, THIS DUDECOMES UP TO ME.

HE SAYS, "HEY, MAN.

"UH, HEY, I THINK YOURWIFE IS GORGEOUS, HOMEY.

"UH, ME AND MY WIFE WANNAKNOW IF YA'LL WANNA GET DOWN."

I WAS LIKE,"NO, I'M COOL."

HE'S LIKE, "FOR REAL, THOUGH,MAN-- "YOU KNOW, WE SWINGERS.

"WE WANNA KNOW WHATYA'LL WANNA DO."

AND HE TOUCHEDMY WIFE'S FACE.

I SAID, "IF YOU TOUCHMY WIFE, AGAIN,

"WE WILL BE SWINGIN'."

AND THEN, I TOOKA LOOK AT HIS WIFE.

I WAS LIKE, "UH, HOMEY,THIS AIN'T NO FAIR TRADE.

"I GOT HALLE BERRY--YOU GOT CHUCK BERRY.

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I WANNASLEEP WITH THIS MONKEY, OKAY?"

YOU HAVE TO TAKEA PROSTATE EXAM.

HOW MANY PEOPLE,MEN HERE, BLACK MEN,

IT'S VERY IMPORTANT,HAVE HAD PROSTATE EXAMS?

THE REST OF YOUARE GOING TO DIE.

YOU HAVE TO GETA PROSTATE EXAM.

NOW, LET ME EXPLAIN.

YES, IT SOUNDS NASTY, BUTIT WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE, OKAY?

NOW, THE FIRST TIMEI WENT, IT WAS COOL.

HE WENT LIKE THIS--HE PULLED IT OUT.

I WAS LIKE,"EVERYTHING OKAY?"

HE SAID, "YOU'RE FINE--GO AHEAD AND LEAVE."

I WENT AND GOTIT DONE, AGAIN.

IT WASA LITTLE DIFFERENT.

HE PUT IT IN, AND HEWAS THERE FOR A WHILE.

I WAS LIKE,"EVERYTHING OKAY, DOC?"

HE'S LIKE, "YEAH, YEAH."

I'M LIKE, "YOU'VE BEENIN THERE FOR A WHILE.

"DID YOU LOSE YOURWEDDING RING?

"WHAT'S-WHAT'SGOING ON, CHIEF?"

HE'S LIKE, "QUITACTING LIKE A BITCH."

I'M LIKE, "OH, MY GOD--OKAY, I'M SORRY."

I SAID-- HE SAID--I WAS LIKE, "COME ON, MAN.

"LET'S GET IT GOING--"HE SAID, "WHAT'S WRONG?"

I SAID, "YOU'RE [bleep]ME, RIGHT NOW, SIR."

[laughing]

I SAID, "COULD YOU GETOUT OF MY ASS, PLEASE?"

HE'S LIKE, "COME ON, MAN--STOP ACTING LIKE THAT."

I WAS LIKE, "FIRST OF ALL,WHY IS LUTHER PLAYIN'?

"AND WHERE'D THE REDLIGHT COME FROM?

"WHAT'S GOING ON, SIR?"

HE'S LIKE,"WHOSE PROSTATE IS THIS?"

I'M LIKE, "IF YOU DON'TGET OFF ME--" HE'S LIKE,

"QUIT ACTING LIKE A BITCHAND GO GET ME A BEER."

I WAS LIKE [gasp].

"ARE YOU GONNA CALL ME?"

EVERYBODY HERE GOTCELL PHONES, RIGHT?

YEAH?

WHY IS IT, WHEN YOU'REON YOUR CELL PHONE,

AND YOU CAN'T HEAR SOMEBODY,THE ONLY THING YOU CAN HEAR IS,

"I'LL CALL YOU BACK?"

"WHAT'S UP, RUSS--WHERE YOU AT?

"I SAID,WHERE ARE YOU?"

AND WHY DOPEOPLE DO THIS?

THE PHONE IS DESIGNEDTO TALK LIKE THIS.

I HATE PEOPLEWHO DO THIS.

"HA-HA-HA--YOU CRAZY!

"WHERE YOU AT--"THIS IS NOT A C.B.

WHAT ARE YOU?

BREAKER-BREAKERSTOP [bleep], OKAY?

"WHERE YOU AT--YOU A FOOL.

"WHERE YOU AT--I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

"YOU GONNA CALL ME BACK--ALL RIGHT-- CALL ME BACK.

"CALL ME BACK."

AND WHY DO WE GET SO MADWHEN WE CAN'T HEAR 'EM?

"WHERE ARE YOU?

"IT'S YOUR CHEAP PHONE!"I GOT SIX BARS, BITCH.

"I GOT SIX--YOU GONNA CALL ME BACK?

"ALL RIGHT-- CALL ME BACK--CALL ME BACK."

WHAT I ALSO DON'T UNDERSTANDIS, LIKE, TIGER WOODS

AND ALL THESE GUYS ARESTARTING TO GET CAUGHT,

'CAUSE THEYHAVE ONE PHONE.

WHY WOULD TIGER WOODS,WITH ALL THE MONEY HE HAS,

HAVE ONE PHONE?

PHONES ARE $100.

I SAW A BUS-BOYIN THE BACK.

HE HAD A PHONENECKLACE, OKAY?

THEY'RE CHEAP.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHIN'--IF I HAD TIGER'S MONEY,

I WOULDN'T EVENHAVE A PHONE.

I'D HAVE A BROTHER NAMED"BARRY" ANSWERING ALL MY CALLS.

I'D BE LIKE,"BLACK BARRY, WHO CALLED ME?

"WHO?

"YOU GONNA CALL ME BACK?

"CALL ME BACK-- CALL ME BACK--CALL ME BACK."

LIFE IS KICKING MY ASS.

I HATE FALLING FOR SCAMS.

BIGGEST SCAM I FELLFOR WAS COLLEGE.

IT GOT ME.

'CAUSE I SWEAR, IN HIGHSCHOOL, I WAS UP $40.

I WAS UP.

NOW, I'M DOWN 60 GRAND.

ALL MY FRIENDS, "HEY, NORE,WHAT WAS YOUR MAJOR?"

"BANKRUPTCY, MOTHER FUCKER.

"THAT'S MY MAJOR..."BANKRUPTCY."

SHOUT OUT TO THE PEOPLETHAT HAVE A DEGREE

AND A JOB THAT HASNOTHIN' TO DO WITH IT.

[applause]

THESE JOKESARE FOR YOU.

OR "16 AND PREGNANT."

I FEEL BADFOR THOSE GIRLS.

I CRY FOR THEMEVERY NIGHT.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND THOSEGIRLS ARE GONNA KNOW

THEIR GREAT-GREAT-GREATGRANDMOTHER?

[laughing]

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSEDTO KNOW THAT LADY.

THAT BITCH IS A MYTH,A FOLK TALE.

SHE DON'T EXIST?

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVESOME HISTORY IN YOUR FAMILY.

"MOM, TELL ME ABOUTGREAT-GREAT-GREAT GRANDMA."

"OH, YOURGREAT-GREAT GRANDMA?

"SHE WAS A SASSY,BLACK FRIEND OF HARRIET TUBMAN,

"AND SHE HADA FAMOUS QUOTE LIKE,

"GIRL, IF I WAS YOU,I'D BUILD A RAILROAD

"AND GET THE[bleep] OUTTA HERE.

"I'M TELLING YOU, GIRL--YOU CAN BUILD IT.

"WE GOT THE GOAL."

THEY DON'T HAVETHAT HISTORY.

WHAT DO THEY HAVE?

"OH, TELL HIM ABOUTGREAT-GREAT-GREAT GRANDMA."

"OH, SHE'S IN THEKITCHEN ON FACEBOOK.

[laughing]

"SHE'S RIGHT THERE--GO TALK TO HER.

"SHE'S TRYING TO TAKE A PICTUREOF HER LOWER BACK TATTOO,

"BUT SHE CAN'T GET IT.

"HELP HER OUT, BABY.

"WHY DON'T YOU HELP HER?"

THAT'S WHY I TRY TOTALK TO THE KIDS, MAN.

I'M TELLING YOU--WE HAVE TO HELP 'EM OUT.

WE HAVE TO BRING BACKTHE PULL OUT METHOD.

THAT'S THE ONLY WAY.

I'M TELLING YOU--IT'S A LOST ART.

IT'S LOST.

IT'S GONE.

I TELL 'EM,"GET OUTTA THERE.

"STOP SETTIN' UP CAMP.

"YOU STAY TOO LONG IN THE PINK,20 SECOND VIOLATION,

"BEEP, TWINS!"

SAME THINGFOR THE WOMEN.

YOU KNOW WE'REABOUT TO [bleep].

IT'S OBVIOUS.

ELBOW RIGHT TO THE CHIN.

GOOD NIGHT--THANK YOU.

UH, NO--YOU'RE DONE.

THEY DON'T USE CONDOMS.

CONDOMS COST, LIKE, $30.

AIN'T NOBODY GETTIN' THAT.

AND PLUS, GUYS ONLY USE CONDOMSJUST NOT TO [bleep] FAST.

THAT'S IT.

JUST TO IMPRESS A GIRL.

"OH, MY GOD--YOU'RE GOIN' ALL NIGHT."

"HELL, YEAH--'CAUSE I DON'T FEEL NOTHIN'.

"I DON'T FEEL ANYTHING.

"I GOT THIS LITTLEGARBAGE BAG ON MY PENIS.

"I'M GOIN' ALL NIGHT.

"WE TAKE IT OFF--AH-AH!"-- OVER.

HERE IN NEW YORK.

WHOO!

AIN'T NOTHIN' MORE GANGSTERTHAN A NEW YORK ROACH.

YOU EVER GET UP, GO INTHE KITCHEN IN THE MIDDLE

OF THE NIGHT,SURPRISE A ROACH?

HE BE LIKE,"OH, THIS NIGGER.

"YOU OUT OF HOT DOGS."

YOU EVER STEP ON A ROACH,AND YOU GET MAD?

YOU EVER STOP ON A ROACHAND, LIKE, YOU TRY TO,

AND HE REAL FAST, AND YOUFINALLY STEP ON HIM,

AND YOU FEEL LIKEYOU'RE DOING IT

FOR A WHOLE VILLAGEOF ROACHES?

YOU EVER STEP ONA ROACH REAL HARD?

I REMEMBER, THE OTHER DAY,I STEPPED ON A ROACH SO HARD,

A MOUSE RAN OUT.

I WAS LIKE-- AND THE MOUSEWAS LIKE, "THAT'S ENOUGH.

"HE'S DEAD!

"MY KIDS DON'T NEEDTO SEE THIS SHIT."

[laughing]

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I LOVE-- WOMEN-- NEW YORKGOT SOME OF THE FINEST WOMEN

IN THE WORLD--YA'LL, I SWEAR.

I AIN'T SAYIN' IT'CAUSE I'M HERE.

YA'LL DO.

I LOVE ASS--YOU LOVE ASS?

YOU LOVE D--YOU LOVE ASS?

I LOVE ASS.

YOU SEE ASS COMING,YOU BE HAPPY.

YOU EVER BE WIT' YOUR LADY,AND ASS IS COMIN'?

YOU BE LIKE,"OOH, THIS IS GONNA BE GOOD.

"GONNA BE GOOD--"SHE GET CLOSE.

YOU ACT LIKE A LITTLE KID--YOU-- SHE WALK PAST.

YOU MAKE THAT BULLSHIT EXCUSE,AND BE LIKE TURN AROUND,

AND BE LIKE, "WHERE'DWE PARK THAT CAR AT?

"YEAH, YEAH,THEY'RE CRAZY."

WE LOVE LADIES.

YOU EVER HAD, FELLAS, YOUEVER HAVE SOME STUFF SO GOOD

YOU BE AT WORK AND REMINISCEABOUT WHAT HAPPENED

THE NIGHT BEFORE?

YOU HAVE SOME STUFFSO GOOD YOU BE LIKE--

"SHE CRAZY, MAN--SHE IS CRAZY."

LADIES, YOU EVER HAVESOME STUFF SO GOOD,

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE TO WORKAT 9:00, YOU GET THERE AT 7:15?

"HI, KEISHA!"

"BITCH, YOU WALKED TODAY."

"I KNOW--HI, RUSSELL!"

YOU KNOW-YOU KNOW,WHITE PEOPLE JOIN THE GYM,

BUT WHITE--BLACK PEOPLE JOIN THE GYM,

BUT WHITE PEOPLEJOIN THE GYM.

YOU EVER NOTICE THAT?

WHITE PEOPLE JOIN THE GYM.

BLACK PEOPLE,WE JUST GET A-A PLAN,

SO LEGALLY, WE CANCOME INTO THE GYM.

YOU SEE, WHITE PEOPLE--WHITE PEOPLE JOIN THE GYM,

AND THEY'LL BE LIKE, "YEAH,YEAH"-- "YOU WANT A"-- "YEAH."

PEOPLE ARE LIKE, "DO YOUWANT ONE YEAR, THREE YEARS?"

"YEAH, YEAH--I WANT FULL-TERM.

"YEAH, I WANT LIFETIME.

"YEAH.

"WHY WOULD I ONLYSIGN FOR TWO YEARS?

"NO, MY KIDS ARE GONNA GOTO COLLEGE.

"I'M GONNA SEE THEM--YEAH."

THEY'LL BE LIKE,"WHAT DO YOU WANNA WORK ON?"

"I WANT CARDIO--I WANT SOME CARDIO."

BLACK PEOPLE BE LIKE,"WHAT YOU WANNA WORK ON?"

"MY ARMS--I WANNA KNOCK A [bleep] OUT.

"YOU KNOW WHATI'M SAYIN'?"

THEY BE LIKE,"YOU WANT A PERSONAL TRAINER?"

"HOW MUCH IS THAT--THREE HUNDRED."

"THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS!"

YA'LL SEE A BLACKPERSON IN THE GYM

DON'T KNOW HOWTO USE THE EQUIPMENT?

LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODYTRYING TO BREAK IN A CAR.

[laughing]

USING THE EQUIPMENTALL WRONG.

"OH, I'M ON ITBACKWARDS?

"OH, THAT'S HOWYA'LL DO IT HERE?

"ALL RIGHT.

"I AIN'T GONNA PAYEXTRA FOR THAT SHIT.

"I AIN'T GONNA PAY--"YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?

'CAUSE BLACK PEOPLE,WE NEED TO DO BETTER.

WE NEED TO DO BETTER--WE NEED TO TRY THINGS.

YA'LL KNOW THAT--'CAUSE BLACK PEOPLE,

WE ONLY DO FIVEDIFFERENT THINGS.

WE DO--WE GO TO ESSENCE,

ATLANTA, MIAMI,COSTCO, AND IHOP.

THAT'S THE ONLYTHING WE DO.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIMEA BLACK PERSON WENT CAMPING?

YOU DON'T GO CAMPING.

MY WHITE FRIEND ASKED MEA COUPLE OF WEEKS TO GO CAMPING.

I AIN'T KNOW WHATTHE HELL IT WAS.

HE SAID,"ROB, LET'S GO CAMPING."

I WAS LIKE,"WHAT-- WHAT-- WHAT'S THAT?"

HE SAID, "WE'RE GONNAGO IN THE MOUNTAINS.

"PITCH, YOU KNOW,PITCH A TENT.

"MAKE A FIRE--TELL STORIES.

"EAT S'MORES."

I WAS LIKE, "THEN WEGONNA WATCH THE GAME?"

I WAS LIKE--"HERE, ROB-- COME ON.

"THERE'S NO RUNNINGWATER OR ELECTRICITY.

"IT'S WHY THEYCALL IT CAMPING."

I'M LIKE, "NO RUNNINGWATER AND ELECTRICITY?

"SHIT, WHERE I COME FROM,WE CALL THAT THE PROJECTS.

"YEAH."

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