Cross, Donohue, Corbett, Oschack

  • Season 1, Ep 12
  • 12/16/2004

David Cross decides what he wants done with his dead body, Becky Donohue reflects on her grandmother's stroke, and Jonathan Corbett celebrates drinking.

(Juston McKinney)I'LL TELL YA RIGHT NOW, I'MNOT A BIG FAN OF CHRISTMAS.

'CAUSE EVERY YEAR, I GOOUT AND BUY NICE GIFTS

FOR PEOPLE, SPENDTIME AND MONEY,

AND I GET CRAP IN RETURN.

EVERY YEAR--I GOT AN UNCLE.

YOU KNOW WHAT MY UNCLE GETSME EVERY YEAR FOR CHRISTMAS?

SCRATCH TICKETS.

THANKS FOR MAKING THEDECISION TO GAMBLE AWAY

MY CHRISTMAS GIFT FOR ME.

THIS IS ME EVERYYEAR... OH, LET'S SEEWHAT I GET THIS YEAR.

NOTHING.

AHH, NOTHING... WHOO-HOO!

WHADDYA KNOW--STILL NOTHING.

THANKS FOR NOTHING, BUDDY.

FIVE YEARS IN AROW--APPRECIATE IT.

I'M SICK OF IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I DID THISYEAR, TO GIVE HIM AN IDEA

THAT I'M NOTHAPPY WITH IT?

HE COMES UP TOME, HE'S LIKE...

"SO WHAT'D YOU GETME THIS YEAR?"

RIGHT, AND IT HADJUST SNOWED, LIKE AFOOT OF SNOW, RIGHT?

SO I GO, IT'S OUTIN THE DRIVEWAY.

IT'S UNDER THE SNOW.

AND I HANDEDHIM A SHOVEL.

AND HE SHOVELEDTHE WHOLE DRIVEWAY.

UNDERNEATH, I WROTE,"SORRY, TRY AGAIN."

(Kathleen Madigan)VOTING IN THIS COUNTRY IS ARIDICULOUS PAIN IN THE ASS.

I GOTTA GO FIND SOMEELEMENTARY SCHOOL

UNDER A MOOSE LODGE,BEHIND THE DONUT SHOP.

THESE (bleep)... YOU GETTHIS CARD IN THE MAIL--

"YOUR POLLINGPLACE IS JUPITER!

GOOD LUCK!"

THEN YOU GET THEREAND THERE'S SOME900 YEAR-OLD LADY

DIGGING THROUGH A BIBLE,LOOKING FOR YOUR NAME.

I MEAN, GOD LOVE THOSELADIES FOR DOING THE JOB,

BUT THEY ARE ANCIENT.

HERE'S YOUR BALLOT, HONEY.

I VOTED FOR TAFT.

I'M WITH THE WHIG PARTY.

WE'RE MAKING A COMEBACK.

COME ON!

THEN HALF THE CRAPTHEY LET US VOTE ON,

I DON'T KNOW WHY,I READ THE PAPER,

I SHOULD BE ABLE TOVOTE, I'M NOT QUALIFIED.

THE LAST TIME, THERE WEREFOUR PAGES OF JUDGES.

WELL, THE ONLY JUDGEI KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT

IS JUDY AND GUESS WHAT...SHE WAS NOT RUNNING.

SO, OF COURSE I DIDN'TLEAVE IT BLANK THOUGH.

I JUST STOOD THERE ANDRANDOMLY HIRED AND FIRED

PEOPLE FOR NO GOOD REASON.

WELL, THE WOMEN ARESTAYING, I CAN TELL YA THAT.

THERE'S A NICE IRISH NAME.

AND I THINK I'LLPICK A MEXICAN.

(Patton Oswalt)ALL THESE SHOWS LIKE"I WANNA FAMOUS FACE"

AND "THE SWAN"...

BASICALLY, WHAT THAT IS, ISPEOPLE GO ON NATIONAL TV,

AND THEY TELL AMERICA, "IDON'T LIKE HOW I LOOK.

"I'M SO AGAINST GROWINGAN ORIGINAL PERSONALITY

"OR DEVELOPING CHARM,I'D RATHER HAVE SOMEONE

TAKE A KNIFE TO MY SKULL."

THAT IS WHAT THOSESHOWS ARE SAYING.

THAT IS WHATSOCIOPATHS DO.

CUT INTO MY FLESH!

YOU CUT YOURSELF TO LOOK LIKEBRITNEY SPEARS AND BRAD PITT.

WHAT THE (bleep)?

IF THOSE SHOWS HADEXISTED IN THE '80s,

THERE'D BE GUYS WALKINGAROUND LOOKING LIKE

HALL AND OATES RIGHT NOW.

LIKE, "OH, YEAH.

"I KNOW, I KNOW.

"IT'S PRETTY COOL.

"I LOOK LIKE JOHN OATESFROM HALL AND OATES.

"I'M ON A (bleep) TRAINAND IT'S NEVER DERAILING.

"I'M FEELING PRETTYGOOD RIGHT NOW.

I'M FEELING PRETTY GOOD."

JUST A GUY GETTINGGAS, GOING UNDER...

"MAKE ME LOOK LIKESTEVE GUTTENBERG!"

(Jimmy Dore)THE WORST PART ABOUTGROWING UP POOR WAS

THE HORRIBLE CLOTHESI HAD TO WEAR.

EVERYTHING I WOREWAS HANDED DOWN.

I HAD SIX OLDER BROTHERS.

AND WHENEVER I HAD TO GETSOMETHING NEW TO WEAR,

MY DAD WOULD TAKEME CLOTHES SHOPPING

AT THE SEERS OUTLET.

NOT SEERS...

THE SEERS OUTLET.

THE STUFF THEY COULDN'TSELL AT FRIGGIN' SEERS!

OH, I WAS STYLIN'IN MY IRREGULARS.

MY FRIENDS WERELIKE, "JIMMY, IS THAT

A TRIPLE-BREASTEDSUIT YOU'RE WEARING?"

HORIZONTAL PLEATSTOO, MO(bleep).

MY DAD LOVED FINDINGIRREGULARS, Y'KNOW?

HE'D BRAG ABOUTIT AT BARBECUES.

LOOK, IT'S AN IRREGULAR.

HA HA, CAN'T EVEN TELL!

PEOPLE ARE LIKE, "THERE'SA BIG SEAM DOWN THE MIDDLE.

"I CAN TELL.

YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT."

YEAH, HALF PRICE--WHO'S THE IDIOT NOW?

STILL YOU!

(Caroline Rhea)DON'T YOU LOVE PASSINGCONSTRUCTION WORKERS

AND HAVING THEM SAY JUSTDISGUSTING THINGS TO YOU,

JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT?

YOU JUST WALK BY THEMAND THEY'RE LIKE,

"SSSSSSS... MARIA,MMM MMM MMM MMM...

MMMMMM... MMMMM!"

LIKE THEY HAVE A JACKHAMMERIN THEIR PANTS LIKE...

UNGYA UNGYAUNGYA UNGYA.

YOU KNOW, IT WOULDN'TEVEN BOTHER ME THAT MUCH

IF THEY COULD SHOW ME ONEMARRIAGE THAT HAS COME

FROM THAT KIND OFAN INTRODUCTION,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

MOMMY, HOW DID YOUAND DADDY MEET?

WELL, DEAR... I WAS WALKINGALONG THE STREET ONE DAY

AND YOUR FATHER SCREAMED THEMOST DISGUSTING THINGS AT ME.

OH, SOMETHING ABOUT WANTINGTO EAT HIS LUNCH OFF MY ASS.

HUNGRY?

(David Cross)SO LET ME ASKYOU SOMETHING.

IT'S LIKE, A GOODSECOND DATE QUESTION.

WHEN YOU DIE, DO YOU WANTTO BE BURIED OR CREMATED?

YOU KNOW, I'LLBE LIKE...

UH... I DON'T CARE.

I DON'T GIVE A(bleep), REALLY.

NEITHER, OR ALLOF IT, OR BOTH,

OR YOU CAN TEAR MEASUNDER WITH HORSES.

I-I DON'T CARE.

JUST, I DON... THROWME OFF A BUILDING.

JUST GET SOME USEOUT OF MY BODY.

DO SOMETHING WITH IT.

I'M GONNA BE DEAD.

I'VE DECIDED I'MGOING TO WILL MY BODY

TO A BUNCH OFNECROPHILIACS, YOU KNOW?

SO THEY CAN--SOMEBODYCAN GET SOME PLEASURE.

YEAH, WHY NOT?

GO AHEAD.

JUST, UH, LET THEMHAVE AT IT, YOU KNOW?

AND BE GUILT FREE WITHIT FOR ONCE, YOU KNOW?

NOW YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO ANDDIG UP CADAVERS OR ANYTHING,

AND, YOU KNOW,THEY HAVE TO DO THAT

(bleep) AT NIGHT ANDTHEY NEVER GET ANY SLEEP

AND THEY'RE TOO (bleep)AT THEIR JOBS THE NEXT DAY.

NO, HERE-HERE'S A PRESENTTO ALL YOU NECROPHILIACS.

TAKE ME, TAKE MYDEAD LIFELESS BODY.

I DON'T CARE.

I DON'T CARE BECAUSEI CAN'T CARE,

BECAUSE I'M DEAD.

DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.

I REMEMBER THAT THING INGEORGIA, WHERE THE GUY...

HE WASN'T BURYING THEBODIES OR CREMATING THEM.

HE JUST THREW THEMOUT IN THIS POND.

LIKE 180 OF THEM,AND WHATEVER.

AND EVERYBODYWAS OUTRAGED.

THEY WERE GONNALYNCH THE GUY.

(crying)OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DIDTHAT TO MY AUNT'S BODY!

MY AUNT'S DEAD BODY!

MY AUNT'S DEAD BODY!

THROWING IT IN THE LAKE.

I WANTED TO BURN IT...

TO A PILE OF ASHES!

MY OWN SWEET AUNT,JUST NOTHING BUT ASHES.

HOW DARE YOU TAKE THATJOYFUL FEELING AWAY FROM ME!