Lois Bromfield & Steve Trilling

  • 02/24/1992

LOOK WHAT SALLY STRUTHERSGAVE ME.

( laughter )

THESE ARE MY ADOPTED CHILDREN.

HI, KIDS.

AREN'T THEY THE CUTESTAND THE SWEETEST?

ALEXIS AND DYLAN.

WE'VE HAD A BIG DAY.

OH, GOD, I'VE RUSHED THEMALL OVER TOWN.

SWIMMING LESSONS,GYMNASTICS, ART CLASS...

THEY'RE LEARNING THE COMPUTER.

( laughter )

AND WE BOUGHT THEMSOME LITTLE OUTFITS TODAY.

TOOK THEM TO CHANEL, HAD SOMELITTLE THINGS MADE FOR THEM.

SOMETHING JUST CUTE, SIMPLE.

MOM, I'M BORED.

( laughter )

ALEXIS, MOMMY'S TALKING.

( laughter )

THEY TRY MY PATIENCE, GOD KNOWS.

I LOVE THEM, THEY'RE SO SWEET.

WHAT DO YOU WANT,SOME MORE ESCARGOTS, HONEY?

MM-HMM, I KNOW YOU DO.

THEY LOVE ESCARGOTS, THE KIDS

AND ANYTHING NOUVELLE-ISH,YOU KNOW.

( laughter )

AND OF COURSE THEY'RE DOINGRIDING, WHICH, YOU KNOW...

ENGLISH SADDLE, OF COURSE.

EVERYTHING'S MADE AT HERMES,AND I DON'T CARE.

I WILL SPARE NO EXPENSEFOR MY CHILDREN.

RIGHT, KIDS?

RIGHT, SWEETIE?

RIGHT.

( laughter )

THEY'RE DARLING.

IT'S SO NICE TO HAVE KIDS.

JUST WAKE UPAND THEY'RE THERE ONE DAY.

( laughter )

I'M BORED.

HONEY, I KNOW YOU'RE BORED,BUT SO AM I

BUT MOMMY HAS TO WORK TONIGHT.

MOMMY HAS TO MAKE ALL THE MONEY

TO BUY YOU ALL THE CUTELITTLE THINGS YOU LIKE.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT?

LIKE YOUR NEW MOTORCYCLE JACKETS

AND MOTORCYCLE BOOTSI HAD MADE AT CHROME HEARTS

THAT YOU LOVE TO WEAR, AND GETON THE BACK OF DADDY'S BIKE

EVEN THOUGH I'M NOT MARRIED.

EVEN THOUGH I'M GAYAND I DON'T HAVE A HUSBAND.

( laughter and applause )

OH...

OH, IT'S SO MUCH FUN.

WELL, THE KIDSHAVE TO GET BACK TO BED

OR SOMEWHERE WE'RE GOINGTO PUT THEM TO BED.

THE NANNY'S BACKSTAGE.

GET THE KIDS!

NO, I'M JUST...

I FEEL SO YOUNG TONIGHT.

OH, 37 YEARS OLD--

ANYBODY IN THE AUDIENCE,LIKE, 37 YEARS OLD, 40?

Woman:40.

( gruffly: )40.

IT'S JUST A WHOLE DEPRESSINGTHING BEING OLD, ISN'T IT?

I HATE IT, BUT WHAT I HATETHE MOST IS MY HAIR.

HOW'S MY HAIR LOOK TONIGHT?

( clapping and hoots )

LIKE OLD HOOKER'S HAIR,YOU KNOW.

I LOVE THIS HAIR BECAUSE ITLOOKS LIKE OLD ALCOHOLIC HAIR.

WHEN YOU SEE PEOPLE LIKE THIS...

( laughter )

THEY HAVE THAT OLD HAIR

LIKE, NOBODY WILL EVER GIVE MEMY CAR KEYS WHEN I'M DRINKING.

YOU EVER SEE WOMEN LIKE THISIN BARS?

IT'S LIKE, "I CAN DRIVE,I'M FINE."

( laughter )

( grumbling )

YOU ALWAYS GET THAT DRUNK ARM.

YOU CAN BE VERY DEMUREAND NICE, YOU KNOW.

YOUR DATE COMES TO PICK YOU UP.

( breathily: )"OH, I'M HAVINGA WONDERFUL TIME."

GET IN THE CAR,GO TO THE NICE RESTAURANT

"OH, THIS IS DELICIOUS."

ACTING LIKE SOMEONE ELSESO HE REALLY GETS TO KNOW YOU

AND THEN YOU GET THAT ARM

AFTER, LIKE, 400 COCKTAILSAND SOME SCHNAPPS.

( slurring incoherently )

PEOPLE ARE GOING,"DID SHE HAVE A PURSE?"

( laughter )

( sighing: )OH, I DON'T KNOW.

LOOK AT YOUR HAIR--IT'S ALL SCREWED UP, TOO, HUH?

( drunkenly: )I'M FINE, I'M OKAY.

( hiccups, mutters )

HOOKER HAIR, PARTY OF TWO.

( laughter )

OH, WELL.

BUT YOU'RE LIKE WHAT, 12?

HOW OLDARE YOU?

I'M WORKING ON IT.

YEAH, THAT'SGREAT.

YOU'RE LIKE,WHAT, 21?

21's A GREAT AGE TO BE.

HER VOICE IS ALL CHIPPER.

21-- DOOT-DEE-DOOT-DEE-DOO.

( laughter )

( applause )

BUT SOMETHING HAPPENS,YOU GET REALLY BITTER.

BECAUSE THEN YOUGET TO BE, LIKE, 29

AND YOUR VOICE KIND OF CHANGES.

( gruffly: )WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I DON'T WANT TO GO OUT,I'M TIRED.

THEN YOU GET TO BE35, 36, 37, IT'S JUST

( rasping: )YOU GOT A MARLBORO LIGHT?

LET'S GO SIT IN THE CARWITH THE WINDOWS UP AND SMOKE.

( laughter )

IT'S THAT OLD DYKE VOICE--

( croaks: )HOW YOU DOIN'?

( laughter and applause )

MMM, PRETTY.

( laughter )

THAT MADE ME REALLY MAD?

SEE, WHEN I WAS YOUNGER

I USED TO WALK DOWN THE STREETAND GUYS WOULD GO, "HEY! WHOO!

"HEY, WHOO!HEY, WHOO! HEY, WHOO!

OW! WHOO, WHOO, WHOO!HEY, HEY!"

( whistling )

"WHOO!"

NOW THEY REALIZEI'M A LITTLE OLDER

SO THEY DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

THEY GO, "HEY! WHOO! OW! WHOO!SORRY, MA'AM."

( laughter )

"LET ME HELP YOUWITH YOUR WALKER."

BUT I'M REACHING MY SEXUALPEAK-- THAT'S WHAT'S IMPORTANT.

Man:ALL RIGHT.

IT'S MY DAD RIGHT THERE.

( laughter )

IT'S A NEW THEME FOR OPRAH.

UM...

NO, I'M REACHING MY SEXUAL PEAKHERE TONIGHT.

IT'S REALLY KIND OF SAD, THOUGH

BECAUSE WOMEN REACH ITAT 35, RIGHT?

AND MEN REACH ITAT WHAT AGE-- 18?

IT'S REALLY DEPRESSING

BECAUSE NOW I HAVETO DRIVE PAST HIGH SCHOOLS

TO FIND GUYSIN THEIR SEXUAL PEAK.

"COME ON, GET YOUR BOOKS,GET IN."

( laughter and applause )

"SOMEDAY, YOU'LL BE DRIVING."

( laughter )

I DON'T KNOW.

Man:OW!

THERE YOU GO,FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT.

THAT'S A WORD, EVIDENTLY.

SOMETHING HAPPENSTO YOUR INNOCENCE, THOUGH.

WHEN YOU GET TO BE 30,YOU'VE HAD SEX.

YOU'VE DONE IT A MILLION TIMES.

BECAUSE THAT'S JUSTTHE KIND OF GAL YOU ARE.

DO IT TILL YOU CAN'T WALKAND FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT.

BUT THEN SOMETHING HAPPENS.

THEN YOU MEET THE GREATEST GUYIN THE WORLD.

THIS GUY IS SWEET, HE'S KIND,HE'S THE GUY YOU'VE WAITED FOR.

WELL, NOT EXACTLY WAITED.

( laughter )

THIS IS THE GUYYOU'VE PRACTICED FOR.

( laughter and applause )

YOU KNOW?

WHEN YOU MAKE LOVE WITH HIMFOR THE FIRST TIME

YOU WANT IT TO BE REALLY SPECIAL

BUT YOU ALWAYS SNAPRIGHT IN THE MIDDLE

AND BECOME THE OLD WHOREYOU REALLY ARE.

( sweetly: )I LOVE YOU, AND I CARE,AND THIS IS VERY SPECIAL FOR ME.

AND I WOULDN'T DO THISWITH JUST ANYONE.

( shouting: )OKAY, FASTER, OKAY, BACKWARDS,LET'S GO PAL!

COME ON, WHOO! OW!

♪ KEEP THEM DOGGIES ROLLING

♪ ROLLING, ROLLING, ROLLING!

( whistles )

CAN'T HIT A MOVING TARGET,COME ON!

( laughter )

AREN'T WE GETTING TOUGH?

Women:YEAH.

OH, YEAH, ALL RIGHT, YES.

IT'S GREAT, ISN'T IT?

ARE YOU REAL TOUGH?

( slurring: )OH, YEAH, MAN.

( laughter )

IS THIS YOUR GIRLFRIEND?

WE'RE FRIENDS.

( as valley girl: )"MY GIRLFRIEND, BUT NOT MY LOVER."

( hooting )

"BUT I'VE DONE ITWHEN I WAS, LIKE, 12."

SO YOU'RE JUST FRIENDS

YOU JUST WALK PARALLELON THE SIDEWALK TOGETHER?

"THERE'S NOCOMMITMENT THERE

"THERE'S NOTHING ELSE.

I'VE TOUCHED HER BREASTBY ACCIDENT... OH!"

"BY ACCIDENT, THEN I'LL JUSTKEEP IT THERE FOR A MINUTE

BECAUSE I CAN'T MOVE."

FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT, FEEL GOOD.

"OH, WELL, WE'LL BE COMINGBACK HERE AGAIN."

( laughter )

NO, I THINK WOMENARE GETTING REAL STRONG.

I KNOW I AMAND I FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT

BUT WE WERE TAUGHTSO MANY STUPID THINGS.

REMEMBER WHEN YOUR MOMWOULD SAY TO YOU

IN THAT HORRIBLE,LIKE, CLOWN CIRCUS

LIKE, SCARY, DAY OF THE LOCUST VOICE.

"SOMEDAY YOU'LL MEETTHE RIGHT MAN.

SOMEDAY THE RIGHT MANWILL COME ALONG, YES."

THEN YOU LOOKAT WHAT SHE MARRIED.

SOME BIG, FAT BALD GUY.

AND JUST THINK,I COULD HAVE WHAT YOU HAVE.

MY MOM TAUGHT ME ALL THAT STUFFABOUT BEING A LADY

BUT IT DOES BACKFIRE,AND WHAT'S GREAT

IS YOU HAVE TO LEARNJUST TO BURP AND BE A PIG.

WOMEN HAVE TO JUST BEABSOLUTE BULLDOZERS.

WHEN THEY'RE ON DATES WITH GUYS

THEY'RE ALWAYSSO POLITE AND NICE

AND THE BEST THINGIS JUST BEING YOURSELF.

LIKE IF YOU'RE DRINKINGCHAMPAGNE

AND YOU BURP IN, LIKE,THE MIDDLE OF A WORD--

THIS HAS HAPPENED TO ME--

DRINKING CHAMPAGNE REALLY NICE.

"MMM, I'M HAVINGA WONDERFUL TIME.

"THIS CHAMPAGNE'S DELICIOUS.

"YOU KNOW,I REALLY DO FIND YOU VERY, VERY

( belching: )ATTRACTIVE."

( laughter and applause )

"THAT MUST BE MY BEEPER."

( laughter )

FOR GOING TO THE BATHROOMTOGETHER.

WE HAVE OUR OWN CARS,OUR CREDIT CARDS, OUR LIVES.

BUT THE REASON ISBECAUSE WE GO IN THERE

TO FART AND BURP OUR BRAINS OUT.

"BE BACK IN A MINUTE, BOB."

( hiccups, farts and burps )

OH...

( laughter )

"DIANE, PULL MY FINGER."

( applause )

THIS IS TRUE.

BE A PIG.

( clears throat )

SEE, BUT GUYS CAN BE PIGS.

FOR SOME REASON IT'S OKAY,AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.

GUYS CAN ALWAYS BE PIGS.

LIKE, IF YOU SEE GUYSWALKING ALONG

WITH THEIR PANTS HALFWAY DOWN

SO YOU CAN SEE, LIKE,THE CRACK OF THEIR BUTT

THAT'S A GOOD WAY TO FINDA MECHANIC IN THIS CITY.

"I HAVE A CAR,IT NEEDS A TUNEUP."

BUT GUYS ARE ALWAYSREARRANGING EVERYTHING.

WOMEN CAN'T WALK THROUGHTHE STREET DOING THIS.

WE GOT TO DO A SECRET THINGLIKE THIS: LOOK!

WE GOT TO DO THAT.

JUST TAKE A FORK OFF THE TABLE,JUST DO IT... THERE!

( laughter )

I ASKED A WOMAN IN THE AUDIENCE,"WHEN YOU GET GAS

"DON'T YOU JUST WANTTO LET IT GO REALLY LOUD

"AND JUST SAY, 'I DID IT!'"

SHE SAID, "I WOULD NEVER DOSUCH A THING."

I SAID, "WHAT DO YOU DO?"

SHE GOES, "I JUST WAITUNTIL I GET HOME

AND THEN BLOW MYSELFAROUND THE ROOM."

"GOOD NIGHT, BOB."

( imitates wind blowing )

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE A PIG.

IT REALLY BUGS ME, THOUGH

WHEN I SEE GUYSALWAYS MOVING AND PUSHING.

WHAT IS IT, A RUBIK'S CUBE?

GET IT STRAIGHT.

GOOD? GOOD? GOOD?

( dorkily: )GOOD, IT'S NICE TO BE HERE,AND, UM...

( guffaws )

UM...

I'M NOT RETARDED, I...

( groans and laughter )

SORRY.

DID STUFF JUST FLYOUT OF MY MOUTH

AND ACCIDENTALLYHIT YOU?

I CAN ALWAYS TELLWHEN THAT'S HAPPENING.

UH, ANYWAY, I APOLOGIZE.

UH... SO, I'M LIKE THISAND I'M NOT RETARDED.

I... UH, IT'S JUST, UH...

( woman laughs )

UH...

IT'S SCARIER WHENYOU'RE UP FRONT.

UH, I...

I JUST... I GRIN A LOT, AND, UM,I'M PROBABLY DOING IT NOW.

UM, AND I KNOWI'M PROBABLY DOING IT

BECAUSE I DO ITJUST ABOUT ALWAYS

SO I WENT TO THE HOSPITALTO HAVE SOME TESTS DONE.

( laughter )

BECAUSE I DECIDEDI WANTED FRIENDS

AND STUFF LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW,TO KNOW WHERE MY FAMILY LIVED.

SO I... JUST THOUGHTTHAT WOULD HELP.

IF I WASN'T GRINNINGALL THE TIME

PEOPLE MIGHT NOT RUN AS OFTEN.

SO I WENT IN THERE AND THENTHEY TESTED ME FOR A WHILE

AND...

( laughter )

AND THEN THEY WERE DONE,AND THEN...

AND THEN THEY SAID

"SORRY, THERE'S NOTHINGWE CAN DO ABOUT YOU

BUT AT LEAST YOU DON'T HAVETO LOOK AT IT."

( laughter )

SO I AM, LIKE, THE ONE GUYON THE FACE OF THE EARTH

WHO NEVER HAS TO SEEMY BIG GOOFY GRIN

BECAUSE IT'S ON ME,AND AS FAR AS I CAN TELL

THAT'S THE ONLY REAL ADVANTAGETO BEING ME.

SO I...

( laughter )

SO ANYWAY, I JUST GOT HERE.

I WAS JUST GONEAND NOW I'M... HERE.

UH, I...

OH, THANKS, I CAN HARDLY WAITTO GET TO A JOKE.

BUT IT'S ALL RIGHT,I DON'T HAVE THAT MANY, SO I...

SERIOUSLY, THE LONGER YOU LAUGHAT THIS PART, THE BETTER

AND THEN I'LL GET TO A POINTWHERE I KNOW I CAN COAST.

SO I... I JUST CAME IN.

I JUST CAME ON A PLANE YESTERDAYFROM BOSTON

AND THEN I...AND THEN I GOT OFF.

OKAY, SO... BUT FIRST I GOT ON

AND THEN BEFORE THATI WENT TO THE AIRPORT

BECAUSE THAT'S WHERETHE PLANES COME FROM

SO THEN I CHECKED INON THE SECOND FLOOR

AND THEN I HAD TO GOTO THE BATHROOM

BECAUSE I DIGEST AND STUFF,AND I...

AND I SAW THIS...

I'M GOOD AT IT, TOO.

I'M EXCELLENT AT DIGESTING.

AND I SAW THIS FUNNY SIGNON THE BATHROOM DOOR

THAT SAID, "BATHROOM OUTOF ORDER DUE TO RENOVATIONS.

PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW."

YOU KNOW, AND I...

THEY DIDN'T EVEN PUT DOWN PAPEROR ANYTHING.

( laughter )

JUST, LIKE, DO IT RIGHT THEREAND THEN SHOVE IT UNDER.

SO, UM... ANYWAY, OKAY.

SO THEN, UM... NOW I'M HERE.

Woman:YEAH.

I ALWAYS GET REALLY NERVOUSWHEN I'M UP HERE

BECAUSE I DID THIS SHOWNEAR BOSTON ONCE

AND IT WAS A REALLY DARK ROOM

AND A REALLY HIGH STAGEKIND OF LIKE THIS

AND ABOUT TWO MINUTESINTO THE SHOW

I WALKED RIGHT OFFTHE FRONT OF THE STAGE

AND PEOPLE IN THE CROWDWERE GOING

"OH, THIS GUY IS HILARIOUS."

BUT TO MEIT'S NOT ALL THAT FUNNY

BECAUSE THERE'S BLOODPOURING OUT OF MY HEAD AND...

I'M, LIKE, LYING ON THE GROUNDAND I HEAR PEOPLE GOING

"OH, THIS GUY REALLY HASA LOT OF RANGE."

BUT IT WASN'T ANYTHINGI'D MEANT TO DO

BECAUSE THERE'S BRAIN MATTERON THE CARPET.

ALL RIGHT, NOW, I'M... YOU KNOWWHAT ELSE? YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE?

UH, SOMETIMES I CALL PEOPLE UPWHO I KNOW

AND TRY TO FOOL THEMWITH A FUNNY VOICE.

LIKE, I'LL CALL THEM UP AND GO

( high voice: )HELLO?

LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW, "HELLO?"

YOU KNOW, PRETEND LIKEI'M A TOTAL DORK.

AND I KNOW, I KNOW,A LOT OF TIMES PEOPLE GO

"GEE, I WONDER HOW THE HELLHE PULLS THAT OFF?"

( laughter )

"MUST BE QUITE A STRETCH.

THAT GUY CAN REALLY ACT."

I WAS ALSO RECENTLY INVOLVED

IN KIND OF A SERIOUSDRIVING ACCIDENT

WHICH YOU MAY HAVE SUSPECTED.

I WAS DRIVING AND IT WASA REALLY BIG COLLISION

BUT IT WAS NOTCOMPLETELY MY FAULT

BECAUSE THE OTHER GUY INVOLVEDWAS REALLY DRUNK

BUT HE WAS ATA SLIGHT DISADVANTAGE

BECAUSE HE DIDN'T HAVE HIS CARWITH HIM AT THAT TIME.

JUST WALKING DOWN THE STREETDRINKING A BEER

WHEN I PLOWED RIGHT INTO HIM,BUT THE GUY WAS HAMMERED.

HE SHOULD NOT HAVE BEENOUT THERE LIKE THAT.

HE'S, LIKE,WEAVING BACK AND FORTH

ALONG THE SIDEWALK, AND I'M...

( laughter )

TRYING TO GET AROUND HIMBACK ONTO THE STREET

AND THEN AT ONE POINTHE GAVE ME THIS... HEAD FAKE

AND I JUST BOUGHT IT.

ANYWAY, YOU GUYS HAVE BEENVERY, VERY NICE.

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