Comedy Central Presents
Season 4

CC Presents: Sabrina Matthews

  • Season 4, Ep 8
  • 01/21/2001

EVERYBODY HAVE A GOOD DAY TODAY?

(WHOO!)

EXCELLENT.

I HAD A GOOD TIME TODAY.

WENT TO THE GROCERY STORE.

YOU CAN KILL A LOT OF TIME AT

THE GROCERY STORE DOING STUFF

LIKE HANGING OUT IN FRONT OF

THE RICE CAKES THINKING,

"HOW MUCH POT WOULD I HAVE TO

SMOKE...

(CROWD LAUGHS)

...TO THINK OF RICE CAKE AS A

FOOD ITEM?"

WHO WOKE UP ONE MORNING AND

SAID, "PACKING MATERIAL PRESSED

INTO A DISK...YUM; TASTY"?

I WAS ACTUALLY THERE BECAUSE

I NEEDED A PINT OF BEN & JERRY'S

NEW YORK SUPER FUDGE CHUNK AND A

BOX OF TAMPONS.

(APPLAUSE)

PRETTY MUCH IF YOU'RE SHOPPING

FOR ONE, YOU'RE SHOPPING FOR

THE OTHER; RIGHT?

THEY SHOULD PACKAGE THEM

TOGETHER...

(LAUGHTER)

LIKE SHAMPOO AND CREAM RINSE.

"TAMPONS IN THE FREEZER

SECTION?"

"WHY, YES."

I GOT UP TO THE FRONT.

THE CASHIER CHECKED ME OUT SAID,

"PAPER OR PLASTIC?"

I SAID, "NO. I DON'T WANT A BAG.

I JUST WANT TO WALK DOWN THE

STREET WITH THESE THINGS OUT

IN FRONT OF ME, WATCH PEOPLE

CLEAR OUT OF MY WAY."

(LAUGHTER)

WENT HOME, ATE MY WHOLE PINT OF

ICE CREAM.

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED THERE ARE

FEW THINGS IN THE WORLD,

SHORT OF ACTUAL MATERIAL

SUCCESS, THAT CAN MAKE YOU FEEL

AS POWERFUL AS EATING AN ENTIRE

PINT OF ICE CREAM IN ONE

SITTING?

ISN'T THAT THE WEIRDEST THING?

YOU EAT HALF OF IT, YOU'RE A

PIG.

YOU EAT IT ALL, YOU'RE THE

VICTOR.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I WAS WATCHING THIS NEWS

MAGAZINE SHOW.

THEY HAD A SEGMENT ON ABOUT

CURING HOMOSEXUALITY.

BY THE WAY, DID I NEED TO

ANNOUNCE THAT I'M GAY?

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NO ONE'S SITTING UP IN THE

BALCONY.

"SABRINA.

THAT'S A PECULIAR NAME FOR AN

ADOLESCENT BOY."

(LAUGHTER)

WHEN I WORK IN THE MIDWEST

I HAVE TO MAKE A POINT OF COMING

OUT, NOT BECAUSE PEOPLE IN THE

MIDWEST ARE NOT SMART.

IT'S JUST THAT WHEN I'M THERE,

I LOOK LIKE ANOTHER FARMER'S

WIFE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SO I WAS WATCHING THIS THING ON

CURING HOMOSEXUALITY.

IT WAS CALLED "CAN COUNSELING

MAKE YOU STRAIGHT?"

I DON'T KNOW.

MONEY CAN MAKE YOU REPUBLICAN,

SO...

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

IT'S ALWAYS A MAN BEING CURED.

IT'S NEVER A WOMAN.

APPARENTLY LESBIANS ARE

INCURABLE.

SO THEY GET THIS GUY.

IT'S ALWAYS THE MOST EFFEMINATE

MAN YOU'VE LAID EYES ON IN

YEARS...

UNLESS YOU LIVE IN THE VILLAGE

IN WHICH CASE IT COULD BE HOURS

OR PERHAPS MINUTES.

(LAUGHTER)

THEY SHOULD GIVE THIS GUY

A TEST, YOU KNOW, JUST TO SEE

HOW WELL THE CURE IS GOING.

MAKE HIM SIT SOMEWHERE IN A ROOM

WITH A GUY IN A LAB COAT.

"OKAY.

AH, WOULD YOU SAY THAT SALMON,

MOCHA AND CHAMPAGNE ARE FOODS OR

COLORS?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"VERY GOOD, SIR."

'CAUSE HE'LL DO THE TV INTERVIEW

AND INVARIABLY SAY SOMETHING

LIKE "JESUS CURED ME OF MY LUST

FOR OTHER MEN."

WOW.

THAT'S FABULOUS.

MAYBE IF YOU PRAY A LITTLE

HARDER, HE'LL TAKE CARE OF THOSE

ANNOYING MANNERISMS, TOO.

(LAUGHTER)

I WATCHED THE WHOLE SHOW.

THEY HAD A SEGMENT ON ABOUT

THE F.D.R. MEMORIAL.

AH, FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT

IS DEPICTED SITTING IN A REGULAR

CHAIR AS OPPOSED TO A

WHEELCHAIR, AND THIS IRRITATED

A LOT OF THE HANDICAPPED.

SO THE BIG CONCESSION WAS TO PUT

THE INSCRIPTION NOT ONLY IN

ENGLISH BUT ALSO IN BRAILLE.

(LAUGHTER)

WHICH I SUPPOSE IS ALSO IN

ENGLISH.

AND, UH...

(LAUGHTER)

BUT THEY MADE THE BRAILLE

LETTERS SO HUGE THAT BLIND

PEOPLE CAN'T ACTUALLY READ THEM.

ACTUALLY, I THINK IT ADHERES

TO SOME OFFICIAL REGULATION THAT

REQUIRES THAT LETTERS BE ABLE

TO BE READ FROM 20 FEET AWAY.

(SUBDUED LAUGHTER)

OKAY.

NOW, AN ARM IS ABOUT

2 AND A HALF FEET LONG.

OKAY.

(LAUGHTER)

AND THAT'S REAL IRONY, TOO.

THAT'S THE SORT OF IRONY YOU

DON'T HEAR IN ALANIS MORISSETTE

SONGS.

(LAUGHTER)

"ISN'T IT IRONIC?"

"NO, ALANIS, IT'S UNFORTUNATE.

YOU HAVE LISTED (BLEEP) FOR

3 AND A HALF MINUTES,

AND EVERYTHING YOU MENTIONED WAS

UNFORTUNATE.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW THAT YOU HAVE A BILLION

DOLLARS, PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE

TO BUY YOURSELF A DICTIONARY.

BECAUSE IRONY IS NOT A BLACK FLY

IN YOUR CHARDONNAY."

(APPLAUSE)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

IRONY IS A SCOTSMAN CLONING A

SHEEP.

(LAUGHTER)

IRONY IS RENAMING THE NATIONAL

AIRPORT AFTER THE PRESIDENT THAT

FIRED ALL OF THE AIR TRAFFIC

CONTROLLERS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I ACTUALLY FLEW IN AND OUT OF

RONNIE REAGAN AIRPORT THIS YEAR

ON A PROPELLER PLANE.

IT WAS LIKE A BOEING 7.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S A REAL TRICK FOR ME TO GET

ON A TINY PLANE LIKE THAT.

I HAVE A HORRIBLE FEAR OF

FLYING.

I GET ON THE PLANE.

I FASTEN MY SEAT BELT AND I DO

NOT UNBUCKLE IT FOR THE DURATION

OF THE FLIGHT, BECAUSE IF THE

PLANE IS GONNA PLUMMET

6 AND A HALF MILES OUT OF THE

SKY, THAT LITTLE STRIP OF NYLON

MIGHT SAVE MY SORRY ASS.

(LAUGHTER)

I REFUSE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM

ON AN AIRPLANE, BECAUSE IF

I'M GONNA DIE IN A CARTWHEELING

BALL OF FLAMES, IT IS NOT GONNA

BE IN A FLYING OUTHOUSE WITH MY

PANTS AROUND MY ANKLES.

(APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER)

I SIT IN MY SEAT AND READ

THE EMERGENCY INFORMATION CARD

OVER AND OVER.

THEY CAN GET RID OF PAGE 3.

THAT'S THE "WATER LANDING"

SECTION.

THERE IS NO USEFUL INFORMATION

THERE.

AT THE TOP THEY SHOW YOU HOW

TO USE YOUR SEAT BOTTOM CUSHION

AS A FLOTATION DEVICE.

I DON'T WANT TO PRESENT MYSELF

AS A GENIUS, BUT IF I AM

DROWNING AND SOMETHING IS

FLOATING, I WILL FIGURE OUT HOW

TO OPERATE IT.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SEAT BOTTOM CUSHION, SUITCASE,

DEAD PILOT...

I WILL SAVE MYSELF.

(LAUGHTER)

I WILL NOT NEED

LEONARDO DICAPRIO TO HELP ME.

(LAUGHTER)

THEN THEY SHOW YOU HOW TO EXIT

IN THE EVENT OF A WATER LANDING.

I THINK WE'VE SEEN EXACTLY HOW

LIKELY THEY ARE TO BE ABLE TO

LAND ONE OF THESE PUPPIES IN THE

WATER.

I'M PRETTY SURE I'LL BE

"EXITING" AS I "LAND."

(LAUGHTER)

BUT THEY GOT THE PICTURE.

THEY GOT THE MAN...

(LAUGHTER)

JUMPING CALMLY OUT ONTO THE

ESCAPE SLIDE.

ALWAYS A MAN.

THERE'S A WOMAN WAITING

PATIENTLY TO GO NEXT.

ALWAYS A WOMAN.

BECAUSE IT'S "LADIES FIRST"

UNTIL THE PLANE FALLS OUT OF

THE SKY.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THAT MY FRIENDS WOULD HAVE TO

TAKE ME TO THE AIRPORT AND

CONVINCE ME TO GET ON THE PLANE.

MY FRIENDS CAN TALK ME INTO

ANYTHING.

FRIENDS ARE WEIRD, HUH?

"A FRIEND IS A PRESENT YOU GIVE

YOURSELF."

(LAUGHTER)

MY FRIENDS TALKED ME INTO

WEARING A SKIRT ON A JOB

INTERVIEW.

GO AHEAD AND PICTURE THAT FOR

YOURSELVES.

(LAUGHTER)

THIS IS A COMEDY SHOW.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO MISS OUT ON

ANYTHING.

I PUT ON A SKIRT.

I LOOKED LIKE AN OLD GUY

WANDERING AROUND A STEAM ROOM.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THAT'S IF I PUT THE THING ON

RIGHT.

OKAY.

WHAT THE WOMEN IN THE AUDIENCE

ARE GONNA KNOW ABOUT SKIRTS--

AND STATISTICALLY SEVERAL OF

THE MEN-- IS THAT INSIDE OF

THE WAISTBAND OF THE SKIRT ARE

THESE TWO LOOPS OF FABRIC THAT

YOU USE TO HANG THE SKIRT UP SO

THAT WHEN YOU WEAR IT, IT HANGS

NEATLY; RIGHT?

WHERE WAS I WHEN THIS

INFORMATION WAS BEING HANDED

OUT?

(LAUGHTER)

THE DAY FOR THE JOB INTERVIEW

ROLLS AROUND.

I PULL MY SKIRT DOWN OFF

THE SHELF, UNFURL IT, PUT IT ON.

AND NOW I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT

WHAT ROLE IN MY ENSEMBLE THESE

TWO RIBBONS OF FABRIC PLAY.

(LAUGHTER)

"IS IT A BELT?

THERE'S NO CLASP.

IT MUST BE A BOW.

I'LL JUST TIE IT--

IT'S NOT LONG ENOUGH.

WHO IN THE HELL WOULD SELL ME

A SKIRT WITH A BOW THAT'S NOT

(BLEEP) LONG?"

ALL RIGHT, FINE.

NOW I'VE GOT THE SKIRT UP HERE.

I'VE GOT THESE THINGS OVER MY

SHOULDERS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

GETTING READY TO GO TO A

JOB INTERVIEW WEARING

SKIRT-IN-HOSEN.

(LAUGHTER)

LIKE THE VON TRAPP FAMILY JOB

APPLICANT.

"I MADE IT FROM CURTAINS.

DO I GET THE POSITION?"

(LAUGHTER)

I DIDN'T WEAR THE PANTYHOSE.

I MEAN, I MADE A CERTAIN

SACRIFICE.

I BOUGHT FOUNDATION AND USED IT

TO COVER UP MY TATTOO.

BUT THE PANTY HOSE JUST MAKES

MY LEG HAIR LOOK REAL FUNNY.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

OKAY.

I THINK I'VE PROBABLY PRETTY

MUCH ANSWERED EVERYONE'S

QUESTIONS AT THIS POINT.

(LAUGHTER)

I DIDN'T GET THE JOB.

I'VE BEEN SO SPACY TODAY.

I WAS TALKING TO THIS FRIEND

OF MINE ON THE PHONE, AND I

SAID, "YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN

FEELING REALLY SPACED OUT."

AND SHE SAID ,"WELL, MERCURY IS

IN RETROGRADE."

"OH, THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

IT COULDN'T BE ALL THAT POT

I SMOKED."

YES, THE THINGS YOU DO IN

HIGH SCHOOL WILL AFFECT YOU

FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

I HAD FRIENDS IN HIGH SCHOOL

THAT USED TO DO SPEED.

ACTUALLY, THEY USED TO TAKE DIET

PILLS--

CHEAP SPEED.

AND THEY TALKED ME INTO TRYING

IT ONE TIME.

THEY'RE LIKE "YOU WON'T WANT TO

EAT ANYTHING."

IT DIDN'T HAVE THAT EFFECT ON ME

AT ALL.

I JUST ATE REALLY FAST.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I SAW THIS GUY ON A

HARLEY DAVIDSON TODAY.

I WAS SITTING BEHIND HIM AT A

STOPLIGHT.

AND IT WAS ONE OF THOSE HARLEYS

WHERE THE DRIVER'S SEAT AND

THE PASSENGER'S SEAT ARE

SEPARATE.

I COULD TELL YOU THE NAME OF THE

MODEL IF I WAS JUST A LITTLE BIT

BUTCHER.

(LAUGHTER)

HERE WE HAVE A GROUP OF PEOPLE

WHO CAN RECOGNIZE THE WORD

"BUTCHER" AS AN ADJECTIVE.

(LAUGHTER)

"SHE CUTS HER MEAT WITH A

MOTORCYCLE?"

LET'S MOVE ON.

SO THERE'S THE DRIVER'S SEAT,

AND THEN THE PASSENGER'S SEAT

IS THIS SMALL RECTANGULAR PAD

AFFIXED TO THE REAR FENDER OF

THE MOTORCYCLE AND POPULARLY

REFEREED TO AS A "BITCH" SEAT.

LOVELY.

AND THIS MOTORCYCLE DIDN'T HAVE

A PASSENGER SEAT.

AND THE FIRST THING I THOUGHT

WAS, "WOW.

THAT BIKE DOESN'T HAVE A

BITCH SEAT."

AND THEN I WAS LIKE,

"YOU KNOW WHAT, SABRINA?

DON'T EVEN THINK THAT,

BECAUSE IT IS SO MISOGYNOUS.

AND IF YOU THINK IT,

YOU WILL SAY IT.

AND WHEN YOU SAY IT, YOU'LL BE

SORRY YOU EVER THOUGHT IT."

AND THEN I LOOKED.

THE GUY'S GOT A STICKER ON THE

BACK OF HIS HELMET AND IT SAYS,

"IF YOU CAN READ THIS,

THE BITCH FELL OFF."

(GROANS AND APPLAUSE)

I TOOK A BREAK FROM DRINKING

TO GET IN SHAPE FOR THE RUGBY

SEASON.

SORT OF AN INTERESTING DECISION

TO STOP TAKING IN A PAINKILLER

IN ORDER TO INVOLVE MYSELF IN A

SPORT WHICH COULD CAUSE A FAIR

AMOUNT OF PAIN.

"SEE, ALANIS?

EVERYWHERE."

(LAUGHTER)

I BOUGHT THESE ROLLERBLADES

TO GET IN SHAPE, BECAUSE I DON'T

LIKE TO RUN JUST FOR THE SAKE OF

RUNNING, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, I'LL RUN IF I'M PLAYING

A GAME OR IF I STEAL SOMETHING.

(LAUGHTER)

IF THERE'S A REASON TO RUN,

I'LL RUN.

BUT JUST NOT FOR THE SAKE OF IT.

SO I GO OUT, DAY ONE,

ROLLERBLADE FOR 5 HOURS,

'CAUSE I WAS GONNA SKATE AWAY

A DECADE OF BEER AND PIZZA

IN A SINGLE AFTERNOON.

(LAUGHTER)

DECIDE THAT I WAS AN EXPERT

AND THAT I'D GO DOWN A HILL,

WHICH WAS SUCH THE CLEVER IDEA

IN SAN FRANCISCO.

(LAUGHTER)

OH, YES.

MY FRIEND THAT I WAS SKATING

WITH SAID, "REMEMBER TO

TRAVERSE, LIKE WHEN YOU'RE

SKIING," WHICH IS ANOTHER SPORT

AT WHICH I EXCEL.

(LAUGHTER)

BIG WOMEN ON THINGS THAT ROLL;

BIG WOMEN ON THINGS THAT SLIDE.

WHOO-HOO!

(LAUGHTER)

SO I TRAVERSE ONCE AND THEN

I TURN TO TRAVERSE AGAIN,

AND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TURN

MY WHEELS ARE POINTED DIRECTLY

DOWN THE HILL, AND THAT IS WHERE

I AM GOING.

I AM ON MY WAY, BARRELING DOWN

THE HILL, 375,000 MILES AN HOUR.

THERE'S A SONIC BOOM OFF TO MY

LEFT.

(LAUGHTER)

SANDED THAT LITTLE FRICKING

ERASER AWAY IN, LIKE,

HALF A BLOCK.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT:

THE BRAKE.

ART GUM ON A SCREW.

DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO STOP ON

THOSE THINGS?

HOW?

WHAT?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: MAKE A SHARP

TURN.

SABRINA: I DID MAKE A SHARP

TURN.

(LAUGHTER)

FIRST I BURST INTO FLAMES.

(LAUGHTER)

AFTER THAT I WENT TO A GYM.

I WENT TO A GAY GYM.

I DON'T KNOW IF A BUILDING CAN

ACTUALLY BE GAY.

(LAUGHTER)

I WENT TO A GYM WHERE A LOT OF

GAY PEOPLE WORKED OUT.

AND THEY WERE REAL GYM RATS,

TOO.

YOU KNOW, THE GUYS WERE IN

THERE.

THEY'RE PRESSING 40 BAJILLON

POUNDS.

THE WOMEN ARE PRESSING TWICE

THAT.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I'M IN THERE.

I GOT LIKE A BROOMSTICK AND

TWO BAGELS.

(LAUGHTER)

"FEEL THE BURN."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"HEY, YOU. YOU'RE OUT OF HERE.

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO EAT

THE WEIGHTS."

♪ (MUSIC PLAYS)

BECAME AN ATTORNEY.

APPARENTLY WHEN YOU BECOME A

LAWYER YOU GAIN ACCESS TO EVERY

WORD THAT CAN BE USED IN

EVERYDAY ENGLISH BUT IS NOT.

(LAUGHTER)

EVERY TIME I TALK TO HER,

SHE EITHER TEACHES ME A NEW WORD

OR REMINDS ME OF ONE I HAVEN'T

NEEDED SINCE I TOOK THE SATs.

(LAUGHTER)

I WAS HEADED OVER TO HER

APARTMENT THE OTHER DAY.

SHE SAID, "HEY, DON'T FORGET.

I MOVED TO THE TOP FLOOR OF

MY BUILDING, BUT MY BUZZER IS AT

THE BOTTOM OF THE ROW,

WHICH IS COUNTERINTUITIVE.

(LAUGHTER)

AND IT IS COUNTERINTUITIVE,

BUT IT'S ALSO WEIRD OR

(BLEEP)-ED UP.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

WE WERE DRIVING ALONG ONE TIME

AND I WAS DRIVING.

IT'S A GOOD THING I TOLD YOU

I WAS DRIVING, 'CAUSE YOU NEVER

WOULD HAVE FIGURED IT OUT FROM

THIS HANDY MIME THAT I'M

EXECUTING.

WHY DO PEOPLE PRETEND TO DRIVE

LIKE THIS?

HOW WOULD YOU TURN?

I DON'T DRIVE LIKE THIS.

I DRIVE LIKE THIS.

ACTUALLY, I DRIVE LIKE THIS

BECAUSE I HAVE A BIG TRUCK.

SURPRISE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND A BIG DOG AND A CAT.

AND THIS IS THE ONLY SHIRT I OWN

THAT'S NOT FLANNEL.

I AM THE MOST STEREOTYPICAL

LESBIAN YOU WILL EVER MEET.

IT'S NOT MY FAULT.

ALL THOSE OTHER WOMEN COPIED ME.

SO I'M DRIVING ALONG.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M DRIVING ALONG.

SHE SAYS TO ME, "WHEN I GO ON

ROAD TRIPS, I LIKE TO EAT ONLY

AT DENNY'S AND ANALOGUES OF

DENNY'S."

(LAUGHTER)

NOW, "ANALOGUE," IF YOU DON'T

KNOW, MEANS "THE SAME AS."

I HAD NO IDEA.

IN FACT, I AM SO UNUSED TO

HEARING THE WORD "ANALOGUE"

THAT I THOUGHT SHE SAID

"ANAGRAM."

AND I SPENT THE NEXT 15

MINUTES...

(LAUGHTER)

TRYING TO THINK OF THE NAME OF

THE RESTAURANT THAT HAD ALL THE

LETTERS OF DENNY'S IN IT...

(LAUGHTER)

ARRANGED DIFFERENTLY.

IT'S SORT OF CONFUSING TO ME AS

TO WHY SOMEONE SO CLEVER WOULD

WANT TO EAT AT A DENNY'S THAT

MUCH, ANYWAY.

DENNY'S EXISTS TO SERVE A VERY

REAL PURPOSE, THAT IS, TO FEED

THE COMPLETELY EXHAUSTED AND THE

TOTALLY WASTED AND NO ONE ELSE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ABSOLUTELY.

IF YOU DON'T KNOW THIS IS TRUE,

STOP BY A DENNY'S.

TAKE A LOOK AT THE MENU AND

THINK ABOUT THE FACT THAT YOU

CAN ORDER EVERY SINGLE ITEM

WITHOUT READING A SINGLE WORD;

ALL RIGHT?

YOU JUST POINT TO THE PHOTOGRAPH

OF THE FOOD YOU WANT.

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

"IT'S MY BIRTHDAY."

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