June 5, 2014 - Chrissie Hynde

  • 06/05/2014

Conservatives scrutinize Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl, North Korea invents a mushroom sports drink, football players sue the NFL, and Chrissie Hynde performs songs from "Stockholm."

>> TONIGHT: CONTROVERSY ROCKSFOOTBALL. TURNS OUT SOME OF

THE PLAYERS IN THE PUPPY BOWLWERE FIXED.

THEN, A NEW OBAMA SCANDAL, THISTIME HE TRADED FIVE TALIBAN

MEMBERS FOR SOME STRING CHEESEAND A PUDDING PACK.

AND MY GUEST ROCK LEGENDCHRISSIE HYNDE HAS A NEW ALBUM

CALLED "STOCKHOLM."

I WON'T LIKE IT AT FIRST, BUTTHEN I'LL GROW TO LOVE AND

IDENTIFY WITH IT.

A STUDY FOUND SMOKING MARIJUANACAN MAKE MEN INFERTILE,

SO REMEMBER: IF YOU'RE GOING TOHAVE UNPROTECTED SEX

GET HIGH FIRST. THIS IS THECOLBERT REPORT

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THEREPORT.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOININGUS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

(AUDIENCE CHANTS "STEPHEN!")

>> Stephen: THANK YOU, LADIESAND GENTLEMEN.

I'M NOT SURPRISED-- FOLKS.

I JOIN YOU IN YOUR CELEBRATION.I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE THIS IS

COMING FROM. I KNOW WHERE THATGOOD FEELING IS ROOTED.

BECAUSE, NATION, ONCE AGAIN, IFYOU READ THE PAPERS,YOU KNOW

THAT ONCE AGAIN, IT IS A GREATDAY FOR OUR COUNTRY IN THAT

IT IS A TERRIBLE DAY FOR BARACKOBAMA.

HE IS FACING A FIRESTORM OFCRITICISM AFTER TRADING FIVE

HIGH-LEVEL TALIBAN FIGHTERS FORCAPTURED ARMY SGT BOWE BERGDAHL.

IT'S A SCANDAL SOME ARE CALLINGBERGDGHAZI.

SO FAR, IT'S JUST ME, BUT IT'SGOING TO CATCH ON.

ON TUESDAY, AT THE G7 SUMMIT INPOLAND, THE PRESIDENT DEFENDED

HIS ACTIONS.

>> LET ME JUST MAKE A VERYSIMPLE POINT HERE, AND THAT IS

REGARDLESS OF THE CIRCUMSTANCES,WHATEVER THOSE CIRCUMSTANCES MAY

TURN OUT TO BE, WE STILL GET ANAMERICAN SOLDIER BACK IF HE'S

HELD IN CAPTIVITY. PERIOD. FULLSTOP.

>> Stephen: YOU CAN'T ARGUEWITH THAT.

COMMA. OR CAN YOU. QUESTIONMARK.

BECAUSE OF COURSE, WE WANT TOGET EVERY AMERICAN SOLDIER BACK.

BUT DO WE WANT TO GET EVERYAMERICAN SOLDIER BACK?

BECAUSE THE TV HAS SOMEQUESTIONS.

>> IS HE AN AMERICAN HERO OR ADESERTER?

>> A MEMBER OF HIS PLATOON SAYSBERGDAHL LEFT HIS OWN POST ON

HIS OWN VOLITION, BACK IN 2009.

>> SHORTLY BEFORE HE WALKED OFFTHE BASE HE WROTE TO HIS PARENTS

ABOUT HIS DISILLUSIONMENT WITHTHE MILITARY AND HIS MISSION IN

AFGHANISTAN.

>> HEAR THAT?

THIS GUY HAD GROWN DISILLUSIONEDWITH THE WAR IN AFGHANISTAN.

AND THERE'S ONLY ONE WORD FORTHAT: 82% OF AMERICANS.

PLUS, SHOULD WE BE BRINGING THISGUY BACK WHEN SEVERAL OF THOSE

WHO SERVED WITH BERGDAHL CHARGEDTHAT SOLDIERS DIED SEARCHING FOR

HIM?

AND I AGREE WITH ANYONE WHO SAYSTHE BEST WAY TO HONOR THEIR

SACRIFICE IS TO NEVER COMPLETETHEIR MISSION.

AND NOW, WE'RE ALSO LEARNINGTHAT BERGDAHL HAS A HISTORY OF

UN-AMERICAN BEHAVIOR DATING BACKTO HIS CHILDHOOD IN SUN VALLEY,

IDAHO.

>> WELL, HE APPARENTLY WAS INTOBALLET.

>> AT THE AGE OF 16, HE STARTEDTAKING BALLET LESSONS AT A LOCAL

STUDIO.

>> I DIDN'T KNOW UNTIL TODAYTHAT HE TOOK BALLET.

HOW LONG DID HE DO THAT?

>> HE STARTED TAKING BALLET WHENHE WAS ABOUT 17 AND CONTINUED

TAKING IT UNTIL HE WAS 22, 23.

>> Stephen: YES, LONG BEFOREBERGDAHL'S TIME WITH THE TALIBAN

MILITIA, HE SPENT YEARS IN THEHANDS OF ANOTHER RADICAL GROUP,

THE SUGARPLUM FAIRIES.

AND FOX NEWS' DR. KEITH ABLOWKNOWS WHAT IT MEANS WHEN A MAN

DOES BALLET.

>> THE FACT THAT HE WAS A DANCERAND A LIFTER-- NOT A

WEIGHTLIFTER, BUT HE WOULD IGUESS LIFT UP--

>> THE BALLERINA.

>> WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

>> I THINK FRONT AND CENTER ONANY STAGE IS THIS GUY'S M.O.,

UNLESS IT DOESN'T FEED HIMNARCISSISTICALLY.

YOU CAN'T GIVE HIM A JOB UNLESSYOU'RE GOING TO TELL HIM YOU'RE

THE STAR AND WE'RE GOING TO KEEPYOU AT A THROTTLE OF 12 OUT OF

10.

>> Stephen: THAT'S WHY HE WASDISILLUSIONED WITH THE MISSION

IN AFGHANISTAN-- IT LACKED THEFULL-THROTTLE INTENSITY OF THE

SUN VALLEY, IDAHO BALLET SCHOOL.

JUST TO RECAP-- DESERTER.

ENDANGERED SOLDIERS' LIVES.

SKIPPED AROUND IN TIGHTS.

AAAAAND... I'M FORGETTINGSOMETHING.

>> THE FATHER WITH THE BEARD.

>> Stephen: DAD, BEARD.

DAD BEARD.

BAD DAD.

BAGHDAD.

COINCIDENCE THAT IT'S ADIFFERENT COUNTRY? METHINKS

HE DOTH BEARD TOO MUCH.

WE'LL HAVE MORE ON THIS STORY ASINFORMATION BECOMES AVAILABLE

WHICH IS HOPEFULLY NEVER BECAUSERIGHT NOW I'M IN THE SWEET SPOT

BETWEEN COMPLETE IGNORANCE ANDRIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION.

IT'S PRETTY GREAT.

FOLKS, THE NEW YORK TIMES IS NOWREPORTING THAT THERE

WERE FIXED SOCCER MATCHESLEADING UP TO THE 2010

WORLD CUP, BUT I DON'T BELIEVETHAT SOCCER IS FIXED

BECAUSE NOTHING CAN FIX THATGAME.

THIS IS THE SPORT REPORT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

FIRST NEXT, WHEN IT COMES TOINTERNATIONAL SPORT NO ONE

TAKES IT MORE SERIOUSLY THANOUR ENEMIES IN NORTH KOREA.

TO THEM, EVERY GAME IS "THEHUNGER GAMES."

AND NOW, THEIR ATHLETES COULDBECOME KIM JONG UN-BEATABLE.

>> A NEW SPORTS DRINK ISCLAIMING TO ENHANCE PHYSICAL

ABILITY AND SPEED RECOVERY ANDIT'S ALL DUE TO THE MIRACLE

INGREDIENT-- MUSHROOM FUNGUS.

>> NORTH KOREAN SCIENTISTS SAYTHE DRINK IS VERY EFFECTIVE.

>> Stephen: YES, NORTH KOREAHAS DEVELOPED A MUSHROOM-BASED

SPORTS DRINK, WHICH BRINGS ME TOTHE FIRST-EVER INSTALLMENT OF

SPORT REPORT - SPORE REPORT.

WHERE ATHLETES--( APPLAUSE )

WHERE ATHLETES AND FUNGUS COMETOGETHER AND FOR ONCE, NOT IN

THEIR JOCKS.

ACCORDING TO THE KOREAN CENTRALNEWS AGENCY, D.P.R.K. SCIENTISTS

HAVE "SUCCEEDED IN FINDING THEWAY TO CULTIVATE MUSHROOM FUNGUS

AND MADE A FUNCTIONAL DRINK.

THIS NATURAL DRINK IS VERYEFFECTIVE IN ENHANCING

PHYSICAL ABILITIES OF SPORTSPERSONS AND RECOVERING FROM

THEIR FATIGUES."

ENHANCING SPORTS PERSONS ANDRECOVERING FROM FATIGUES.

THAT IS A ONE-TWO PUNCHING WECAN'T BE OF COMPETITION TOWARDS.

NEED MORE PROOF NORTH KOREA ISSHII-TAKING THIS

MUSHROOM PROGRAM SERIOUSLY?

LOOK AT THIS PHOTO OF KIMJONG-UN.

IT'S HARD TO SAY WHERE THEMUSHROOMS END AND HIS HAIRCUT

BEGINS. NOW LUCKILY FOR US, ONEAMERICAN COMPANY ALREADY

HAS A POTENT MUSHROOM-BASEDSPORTS DRINK-- IT'S CAMPBELL'S.

THEIR CREAM OF MUSHROOMSOUP REALLY HELPS

REPLENISH YOUR BODY'S NATURALSOUPS.

CAMPBELL'S, IF YOU'RE SMART,YOU'LL RENAME THIS THIRST

QUENCHER, CAMPBELL'S NEWSPORT-O-BELLOW.

THAT SMELLS LIKE VICTORY, AND ALITTLE LIKE A FRESHLY DUG GRAVE.

SECOND NEXT UP, FOLKS, I LOVEFOOTBALL.

I D.V.R. EVERY GAME, AND SO DOTHE PLAYERS BECAUSE IT'S THE

ONLY WAY THEY CAN REMEMBER WHATHAPPENED.

THAT'S WHY I'M SO DISGUSTED BYTHE BETRAYAL CURRENTLY

PLAYING OUT IN THE NFL WHEREOVER 500 FORMER PLAYERS HAVE

JOINED A LAWSUIT AGAINST THELEAGUE THAT MADE THEM FAMOUS AND

DRUG ADDICTED INVALIDS. A NEWLAWSUIT ALLEGES NFL TEAMS AND

THEIR DOCTORS KNOWINGLY GAVEPLAYERS AN ARRAY OF PRESCRIPTION

DRUGS AND PAIN KILLERS FOR YEARSAND YEARS WITHOUT ANY REGARD FOR

THE LONG-TERM DAMAGE.

>> FORMER FOOTBALL PLAYERS BYTHE HUNDREDS CLAIM THE LEAGUE

ILLEGALLY DRUGGED THEM TO MAKESURE THEY COULD STAY IN THE

GAME.

IN MANY CASES DID NOT EVEN TELLTHEM WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THEM.

>> OUR PLAYERS WERE SHOT UP LIKECATTLE.

THEY WERE BROUGHT TO MARKET, ANDTHEN DISCARDED LIKE PIECES OF

MEAT.

>> Stephen: WHAT ANEXAGGERATION.

AMERICA'S CATTLE ARE GIVEN FARFEWER DRUGS.

AND OH, WHAT WONDERFUL PAINKILLING DRUGS THEY WERE.

IT WAS LIKE WILLY WONKA AND THEEVER-LASTING THROB STUFFERS.

NOT ONLY DID YOU HAVE PERCODAN,PERCOCET, VICODIN, BUT ALSO

AMBIEN.

SO IF YOU EVER THOUGHT THE JETSLOOKED LIKE THEY WERE ASLEEP OUT

THERE, YOU'RE RIGHT.

WHAT REALLY SADDENS ME--( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

HUGE FANS OF THE JETS ORNARCOTICS OUT HERE TONIGHT.

WHAT REALLY SADDENS ME, FOLKS,IS THREE OF THE PLAINTIFFS ARE

MEMBERS OF MY BELOVED 1985 SUPERBOWL CHAMPION CHICAGO BEARS WHO

I SHOULD'VE KNOWN WERE JACKEDON SOMETHING WHEN THEY MADETHIS.

>> (RAPPING) WE'RE NOT HERE TOSTART NO TROUBLE.

WE'RE JUST HERE TO DO THE SUPERBOWL SHUFFLE

>> Stephen: HOW COULD YOUSUE THE NFL?

YOU GAVE YOUR WORD YOU WEREN'THERE TO START NO TROUBLE.

NEXT, FINALLY, THE OLYMPICS.

FOLKS, THE SUMMER GAMES ARE JUSTTWO YEARS AWAY IN RIO DE

JANEIRO, THE PERFECT CITY TOCARRY ON THE SPIRIT OF THE FIRST

OLYMPICS BECAUSE EVERYONE THEREIS ALREADY OILED UP AND NAKED.

( LAUGHTER )AND, FOLKS, EXCITEMENT IS

BUILDING IN RIO.

IN FACT, THAT MIGHT BE THE ONLYTHING THAT'S BUILDING.

>> HOST CITY RIO DE JANEIRO ISSO FAR BEHIND IN ITS

PREPARATIONS.

>> THE PROJECT IS FACINGUNPRECEDENTED DELAYS.

>> ROADS GOING NOWHERE,UNFINISHED STANDS.

AND AN AWFUL LOT OF CONSTRUCTIONWORK STILL TO DO.

>> THE TOP OLYMPICS OFFICIAL ISSLAMMING PREPARATIONS FOR THE

2016 GAMES IN RIO, CALLING THEMTHE WORST HE'S EXPERIENCED IN

NEARLY 40 YEARS.

>> Stephen: THE WORST EVEREXPERIENCED.

AND THAT IS SAYING SOMETHINGBECAUSE THERE ARE STILL SOME

OLYMPIC ATHLETES TRAPPED INTHEIR SOCHI HOTEL BATHROOMS.

BUT, FOLKS, THERE IS ONE EVENTTHAT WILL BE MORE AFFECTED BY

THE DELAYS THAN ANY OTHER--SAILING.

BECAUSE RIO'S GUANABARA BAY ISSO FILLED WITH RAW SEWAGE AND

GARBAGE, THAT ONE SAILOR'SDINGHY CRASHED INTO WHAT HE

BELIEVED WAS A PARTLY SUBMERGEDSOFA.

AND ANOTHER ONE ENCOUNTEREDHUMAN CORPSES ON FOUR OCCASIONS

WHILE SAILING IN THE BAY.

FOUR CORPSES, FOLKS.

THAT'S BAD.

THE SOFA ONLY HOLDS THREE.

( LAUGHTER )WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> THANKS SO MUCH.

WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

THANKS.

FOLKS, FOLKS, CHECK YOURCALENDARS BECAUSE YOU OUGHT TO

KNOW THAT THE 2016 ELECTION ISRIGHT AROUND THE CORNER AND I

AM FULL OF QUESTIONS.

WHO WILL RUN?

WHO WILL THE PARTIES NOMINATE?

SHOULD I HAVE SAID WHOM WILLTHEY NOMINATE?

WHEN DOES ONE USE THE OBJECTIVEPRONOUN FORM OF "WHO?"

HAVE I GOTTEN OFF TOPIC?

OF COURSE, THE QUESTION KARLROVE WANTS EVERYONE ASKING IS

WHETHER DEMOCRATIC FRONT-RUNNERHILLARY CLINTON IS TOO OLD AND

INFIRM TO BE PRESIDENT.

>> KARL ROVE SUGGESTED HILLARYCLINTON MAY HAVE BRAIN DAMAGE.

>> LOOK, SHE'LL BE 69 BY THETIME OF THE 2016 ELECTION.

SHE WILL BE 77 IF SHE SERVES TWOTERMS.

>> Stephen: LET ME CHECK THEMATH THERE.

OKAY, YEAH, OKAY, I HAVE 69STRAWS IN ONE HAND, AND LET ME

GET-- LET ME GET EIGHT MORESTRAWS.

YEAH, YEAH, THAT REALLY FEELSLIKE

I'M GRASPING AT A LOT OF STRAWS.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

WELL, YESTERDAY, YESTERDAY, ONEEAGLE-EYED JOURNALIST CAST

FURTHER DOUBTS ABOUT HILLARYCLINTON'S ADVANCED DECREPITUDE.

>> HILLARY CLINTON'S RECENTCOVER SHOOT FOR PEOPLE MAGAZINE

IS RAISING A LOT OF EYEBROWS.

>> DRUDGE REPORT TWEETED, "ISCLINTON HOLDING A WALKER?"

>> Stephen: THAT'S A FAIR ANDREASONABLE QUESTION.

I DO NOT DOUBT FOR A SECOND THATIF HILLARY CLINTON USED A

WALKER, SHE'D INSIST ONAPPEARING WITH IT ON THE COVER

OF "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE.

NO SURPRISE, FOLKS, THE HILLARYHUGGERS AT PEOPLE FLEW INTO

DAMAGE CONTROL RELEASING THISSTATEMENT.

"SECRETARY CLINTON IS STANDINGNEXT TO A PATIO CHAIR.

OF AS DOCTORS CALL IT ASTATIONERY POOL-SIDE JAZZY.

AND DRUDGE DIDN'T EVEN MENTIONTHAT RIGHT BESIDE CLINTON RIGHT

THERE IS AN ANNOUNCEMENT THATALICE FROM THE "BRADY BUNCH"

DIED.

COINCIDENCE? OR DID HILLARYCLINTON BEAT HER TO DEATH WITH

HER WALKER?

( APPLAUSE ).

( CHEERS )I DON'T KNOW WHY CLINTON SAT FOR

THESE GERIATRIC PHOTOS.

SHE SHOULD FOLLOW REAGAN'SEXAMPLE AND ONLY POSE FOR

YOUTHFUL SHOTS LIKE THIS ONE.

NO, JIMMY.

I SAID THE SHOT OF RONALDREAGAN, NOT JUSTIN BIEBER.

WHAT? THAT'S HIM?

OH, ICY FRESH, GIPP-DOG.I BELIEVE THAT'S WHAT THEY

CALLED HIM. THE POINT IS, FOLKS,THIS PEOPLE ISSUE IS INCREDIBLY

DAMAGING FOR CLINTON.

I JUST CANNOT WAIT TO SEE HOWCONSERVATIVES REACT TO HER

LATEST PRESS CONFERENCE.

OH, MY GOD.

SHE'S STILL GOING TO WIN.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACKEVERYBODY, MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A

ROCK 'N' ROLL HALL OF FAMER. ANDI'VE BEEN TOLD SHE LIKES DOGS.

PLEASE WELCOME CHRISSIE HYNDE.

THANKS SO MUCH FOR COMING ON.

NICE TO HAVE YOU ON.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Stephen: I'M A BIG FAN.

WAS I RIGHT ABOUT THAT? DO YOULIKE DOGS?

>> YEAH THEY'RE OKAY.

>> Stephen: THE PEOPLE WHOMAY BE THE YOUNGEST OF

THE YOUNGSTERS OUT THERE, ANDDON'T KNOW YOU'RE BEST KNOWN

AS THE LEADER OF THE LEGENDARYPRETENDERS.

>> YEAH( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: INDELIBLE ROCK'N' ROLL CLASSICS,

"MIDDLE OF THE ROAD," "BACK ONTHE CHAIN GANG."

>> AND MANY, MANY MORE.

>> Stephen: AND THEY CAN ALL BEYOURS FOR $9.99.

YOU'VE BEEN HONORED SO MANYTIMES.

THE ROCK 'N' ROLL HALL OF FAMEWAS THAT A HUGE DEAL FOR TO YOU

GET IN THERE?

>> I GUESS.

>> Stephen: CAN I SAY THAT'SVERY ROCK 'N' ROLL OF YOU TO

REACT THAT WAY.

YOU'RE FROM OHIO-->> IT'S KIND MAKING IT SORT OF

AN ESTABLISHMENT THING. THAT'SNOT REALLY WHY I GOT IN THE

GAME, SO.

>> Stephen: BUT IT'S AN AWARD.

AREN'T THE AWARDS WHAT WE'RE INTHIS FOR?

>> MOST PEOPLE ARE, YEAH.

>> Stephen: THE WORK IS NICE,BUT IF YOU DON'T GET AN AWARD

FOR IT, ALL YOU HAVE IS WHAT YOUCREATED.

>> THAT'S A FAIR WAY OF LOOKINGAT IT.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU.

>> MY DAD WAS VERY PROUD OF HISBOWLING TROPHIES, SO I HAVE TO

RESPECT THAT.

>> Stephen: WAS HE GOOD?

>> HE WAS GOOD, YEAH.

>> Stephen: DID HE EVER GOPRO?

>> NOT REALLY, NO.

HE COULD HAVE.

>> Stephen: SAD STORY.

( LAUGHTER )YOU'RE FROM OHIO.

AKRON, RIGHT?

>> YES.

>> Stephen: WE'VE HAD ONDEVO.

FRIENDS OF YOURS.

WE HAD THE THE BLACK KEYS, ALLFROM AKRON.

WHAT IS IT ABOUT AKRON THATMAKES PEOPLE ROCK SO HARD?

>> WELL, YOU KNOW, WE WERE THERUBBER CAPITAL OF THE WORLD.

>> Stephen: UH-HUH.

IS IT THE FUMES THAT GOT TO YOU?

>> IT WAS-- WELL, NO, WE ALSOHAD THE QUAKER OATS SILOS THERE.

YOU HAD THE BEST OF BOTH.

>> Stephen: YOU'RE VERYREGULAR.

YOU EVER-->> ARE YOU TRYING TO FLIRT WITH

ME?

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Stephen: A LITTLE BIT.

>> ALL RIGHT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: CAN I GET TO THEBEEF I'VE GOT WITH YOU?

>> YES.

>> Stephen: YOU HAVE BEEN--YOU'RE FROM THE HEARTLAND OF

AMERICA.

>> ONE OF THE ORIGINAL 13STATES, YES.

>> Stephen: WHY HAVE YOU BEENIN ENGLAND FOR FOUR YEARS?

WHY HAVE YOU REJECTED LADYLIBERTY TO LIVE UNDER THE

TYRANNY OF A QUEEN?

>> WELL, I'VE GOT MY BANDTHERE.

AND I GO WHERE THE MUSIC IS. I'MSORT OF HAVE BAND WILL TRAVEL

AND THAT'S WHERE THEY LIVE.

>> Stephen: SO YOU'RE AMERCENARY--

>> YES.

>> Stephen: AND YOU DON'TCARE WHAT COUNTRY YOU'RE IN.

>> NO, I'M A CITIZEN OF THEWORLD.

I'M A HIPPIE, MAN.

>> Stephen: OH, REALLY. DIDN'TREALIZE THERE WERE ANY OF THOSE

LEFT. WELL, HIPPIE-DIPPY.

WOULD YOU PLEASE DO A SONG FORUS?

>> DO YOU COME ON TO ALL YOURGUESTS LIKE THIS?

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Stephen: NOT ALL OF THEM.

NOT ALL OF THEM.

I GOTTA SAY, NOT ALL OF THEMSHOW THIS MUCH SKIN.

JUST AND YOU MICHAEL STIPE.

I KNOW IGGY POP DID.

YEAH IGGY DID. ARE YOU GOING BYANY CHANCE TEAR YOUR TOP OFF AND

WRESTLE AROUND ON THE STAGE?

>> WELL.

>> DON'T KNOW.

HOW MUCH TIME HAVE YOU GOT?

LET'S FIGURE THAT OUT.

>> Stephen: WE MIGHT BE OUTFOR A LONG COMMERCIAL BREAK.

SO STICK AROUND.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH APERFORMANCE BY CHRISSIE HYNDE