Randy Liedtke

  • Season 4, Ep 7
  • 10/10/2015

Randy Liedtke takes a phone call, plays a voicemail, wonders how soon is too soon to eat pizza after someone dies and talks about his girlfriend, who may or may not be real.

When I was in New York I wasstaying at a really nice hotel.

I mean,they told me it was nice.

I kept having to callthe front desk

and have them switch me rooms.

And even then, no matterwhat room they put me in,

it eventuallysmelled like farts.

That's a pretty cool wayto tell you guys I fart a lot.

I do.

My farts remind mea lot of my father, actually.

Yeah, 'cause he's alsothe strong, silent type.

Yeah.

(chuckles)

I'm joking.My farts are super loud.

Actually, people in the roomsnext to me, in the hotel,

were calling the front deskto complain.

I was keeping them awake.

I was sleep-farting.That's embarrassing.

I went across the streetto a pharmacy and I bought,

uh, some Breathe Right strips.

You familiar...?

Yeah, I put 'emin my butt, yeah.

It worked.

Too good--I pooped the bed. Yeah.

Kept it super open.(chuckles)

I think, don't know.

I could've justpooped the bed, I guess.

You know that saying,"don't shit where you eat"--

that's why I don't eat in bed.

Every morning I wake up,and I pray

that it's my last day on earth.

Uh, "Earth" is the newstreet name for heroin, so...

Very positive joke.

I don't do heroin.

I like to get high on life.

"Life" is the new street namefor crack cocaine.

Big-time crack guy.

I have a beard on my face.

You guys notice? Yeah?

It's a win-lose beard.

It, uh, hides the acneit causes.

(chuckles)

I'm sorry if I seem distracted.

I, uh... I usually doa ventriloquist bit,

and, uh, my dummywent out of town.

He didn't tell me, so...

Should have seen it coming.

He's a rescue.

I rescued him.I'm telling you,

'cause I don't havea lot planned.

I was gonna domostly a ventriloquist thing.

And he's calling me. Ugh.

I'm sorry. I have to take this.

This is so stupid.

Hey, Snickers.

Yeah, I'm stage right now.It doesn't matter.

No, don't... Hmm.

Doesn't matter.Don't show up.

Well, it's fine. You shouldapologize to everybody.

I'm gonna put himon speaker phone.

Yes, you're apologizing.Right now.

Okay. All right.

Go ahead, Snickers.

I'm sorry.

(applause)

Save it.

No, it's, uh...Bought two phones for that.

So...

I pay twice as muchas you do a month for that.

(laughs)