Monday, December 8, 2014

  • 12/08/2014

Paul F. Tompkins, Alex Borstein and Brandon Johnson list #MetalCarols, write dialogue for old VHS tapes and spell ridiculous words that are popular on the Internet.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(APPLAUSE)

>> I'M ONLY CLAPPING BECAUSE YOUSAID TO.

>> CHRIS: WELL, PEOPLE OFAMERICA. IN THIS THE AGE OF THE

INTERNET, JOE BIDEN WILL MOSTLIKELY NOT BE REMEMBERED FOR

HIS WORK AS A VICE PRESIDENT BUTRATHER FOR BEING THE INSPIRATION

OF THOUSANDS OF AWESOME MEMES.

THE VEEP IS THE SOURCE OF SOMANY GOOFY CAPTION ON

PHOTOSHOPS, YOU'D THINK HE WAS ACAT WITH A MESSED UP FACE.

HERE'S THE LATEST BIDEN SHOTTO GO VIRAL.

OH, LOOK AT THAT.

WHAT IS HE LOOKING AT THERE,VERY PENCIVE.

THIS OF COURSE INSPIRED BOTHPENCIVE CAPTIONS, GOOD NIGHT,

MOON.

AND... THIS OBLIGATORY ANIMALPHOTOSHOP, ♪ "SOMEWHERE OUT

THERE " ♪

COMEDIANS, WHAT WAS THEINTERNET'S FAVORITE VEEP

THINKING WHEN THIS PHOTO WASTAKEN.

BRANDON.

>> THOSE DOGS ARE TOTALLY[BLEEP] ON MY LAWN.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> WHAT DOW GET WHEN YOUCOMBINE A WOBBLY CHAIR WITH

AN ICONIC MUSICALBILLIONAIRE?

YOU GET A HILARIOUS FOOTAGE.

SIR ELTON JOHN TOOK A TUMBLEAT A TENNIS MATCH THIS

WEEKEND AND THE VIDEO'S BEENTRENDING ON DEADSPIN EVER SINCE.

AND HERE IT IS!

>> 17-13.

>> THE OTHER TWO CHAIRS DIDNOTHING.

>> CHRIS: THAT WAS SIR ELTONJOHN.

PRESUMABLY WITH HISCOLLABORATION WITH '90s ALL

ROCK BAND PAVEMENT.

(LAUGHTER)

LUCKILY, SIR ELTON WAS FINE ANDEVEN MADE A CLEVER JOKE ABOUT

THE WHOLE INCIDENT.

>> SIR ELTON, ARE YOU ALLRIGHT?

>> I'M NOT STANDING, NO.

>> WE WERE VERY WORRIEDABOUT YOU THERE.

>> I'M NOT STANDING, YEAH,YEAH, YEAH.

>> CHRIS: PERFECT. THAT OFCOURSE REFERENCE TO HIS HIT SONG

"I'M STILL STANDING" -- WHICH ITHINK IS GREAT THAT HE HAD A

GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR ABOUTTUMBLING OVER IN FRONT OF

MILLIONS OF PEOPLE.

SO LET'S CONTINUE WHAT SIRELTON STARTED.

GIVE ME ANOTHER UPDATED ELTONJOHN SONG TO WITH THIS

VIDEO. PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

>> ♪AND YOU CAN TELLEVERYBODY ♪

BONIVA REALLY WORK.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, GOOD.POINTS.

ALEX.

>> I DIDN'T KNOW WE WERESING THEM.

♪ DON'T LET CHAIR GO DOWN ONME ♪

>> CHRIS: PERFECT, PERFECT.

>> WHICH I THINK IS THE ONLYTIME HE'S EVER NOT WANTED

SOMETHING TO GO DOWN ON HIM.

>> YEAH, YOU DON'T KNOW. MAYBE.

(APPLAUSE)

I GIVE YOU POINTS FOR THAT.BRANDON JOHNSON.

♪ CAN YOU FEEL THE FLOORTONIGHT ♪

>> CHRIS: NICE. PERFECT,PERFECT.

POINTS FOR BRANDON JOHNSON.

IT'S NOT TIME FOR THE HASHTAGWARS.

(APPLAUSE)

>> WAR!

WAR!

>> I'M READY.

>> CHRIS: FOO FIGHTERS DOT COMSTARTED SHIPPING THEIR GINGER

METAL SWEATSHIRTS TODAY.

THAT IS WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE.

I DON'T KNOW, I TOTALLY LOVETHE FOO FIGHTERS.

I DON'T KNOW HOW METAL THEYARE.

I SAID IT. I THINK I CAN BE THEJUDGE OF WHAT IS METAL AND

WHAT ISN'T METAL AS IS EVIDENCEDBY THIS VIDEO I MADE FOR THE

NOW-DEFUNCT G4 CHANNEL OF AMETAL CHRISTMAS SONG.

♪ TAKE OFF YOUR CHRISTMASSTOCKING NOW ♪

♪ AND DON'T BE SHY

♪ ALL I WANT TO CHRISTMAS IS TOROCK. ♪

ROCK!

♪ ALL NIGHT LONG

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> CHRIS: QUESTION. PAULF. TOMPKINS.

YOUR HAND IS.

>> YEAH, I JUST HAVE A QUICKQUESTION.

WHY DID THAT HAPPEN?

(LAUGHTER)

>> CHRIS: IN HONOR OF THESEDARKEST AND MOST EVIL HOLIDAY

TIDINGS, TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#METALCAROLS.

#METALCAROLS.

EXAMPLES OF COURSE WOULD BE "OCOME ALL YE GROUPIES"

OR SILENT NIGHT RANGER.

OR HAPPY CHRISTMAS, WARRANT ISOVER.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND GO.

BRANDON.

>> ♪ WHOA-O, SWEET CHRIST OFMINE ♪

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

ALEX.

>> SANTA BABY BATTER.

>> CHRIS. YES, POINTS.

POINTS. PAUL F. TOMPKINS

>> THE LITTLE ONE ARMEDDRUMMER BOY.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

BRANDON JOHNSON.

>> HANUKKAH ♪♪ HANUKKAH-UH-UH-UH

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS FORPANAMA.

PAUL.

>> DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR?NOTHING, RIGHT?

SO PUT MORE VOCALS IN THE[BLEEP] MONITOR.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

BRANDON JOHNSON.

>> ♪ COME ON FEEL THE TOYS

>> CHRIS: PERFECT. POINTS.

PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

>> HONESTLY.

WHAT THE [BLEEP].

>> I'M PRESSING, I'M PRESSING.GO, GO.

>> I SAW MOMMY SITTING ONTHE SHOULDERS OF SOME DUDE

NAMED RICK.

SHE WAS FLASHING SANTA CLAUS,AND THEN I COULDN'T SEE

BECAUSE OF THE OBSTRUCTION.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, POINTS.

ALEX.

>> BETHLAHEM, I HEAR YOUCALLIN'.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS. OH SOGOOD.

YES, YES.

NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY VineHS,VineHS.

NOW I DON'T-- FORMILLENNIALS OUT THERE HVHS

WAS A MAGICAL FORMAT WHERE MANYTHINGS OF QUESTIONABLE QUALITY

EXISTED.

LUCKILY FOR US VINE DOES ALLTHIS AUTOMATICALLY.

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOUA CLIP OF A LONG FORGOTTEN VHS

FROM THE VINE ACCOUNT IT CAMEFROM THE VCR AND FOR 250 POINTS

YOUR JOB IS TO TELL ME WHAT THENEXT LINES IS.

ALL RIGHT.

FIRST UP, THESE TWO TOTALLYHETEROSEXUAL DUDES.

>> WHAT REALLY GETS YOURMOJO WORKING IS A CHICK

WITHOUT A BRA.

>> YEAH, I LIKE BIG, FREESWINGING TITS.

(APPLAUSE)

>> CHRIS: I TELL YOU WHAT. ISURE LOVE THEM WHEN THEY'RE FREE

SWINGING LIKE THAT.

JUST OUT THERE FREE-SWINGING.

PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

>> LET'S TAKE OUR POISON NOW.

>> CHRIS: ALEX.

>> I THINK THE NEXT LINE OFDIALOGUE WOULD BE ANYWAY, I

DON'T SEE ANY CHICKS, LET'SJUST TOUCH THE TIPS OF OUR

PENISES TOGETHER.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS, POINTS.YEP.

>> NEXT ONE, THE ONE ANDONLY BRAD PAYTON.

>> THOU HAS BEEN ACCUSED OFTHE CRIME OF WITCHCRAFT.

>> I AM ME, I'M BRAD PAYTON,YOU GUYS KNOW ME.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, PAUL.

>> I LIVE ON ELM STREET, IWORSHIP SATAN.

AW, FUDGE.

>> POINTS.

>> CHRIS: LASTLY, THE WHITESTRAPPER YET.

>> YO. MC SCRIBER IS MY NAME.

I COPY GOD'S WORDS, WRITIN' ISMY GAME.

>> WOW.

>> BRANDON JOHNSON.

>> RICK ROSS IS MY [BLEEP]. CASHJUST GETTIN' BIGGER.

[BLEEP] MC SCRIBER. AND I'MKILLIN THE TRIGGER.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> THIS IS FOR YOUR PARENTS GETWHEN THEY CAN'T GET YOU

MACKLEMORE.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAMEINTERNETZ SPELLING BEE.

LET'S ALL GET OUR SPELLINGBEE NAMES ON.

THIS IS A GAME WE PUT FULLGROWN ADULT COMEDIANS

THE SPOT TO SELL RIDICULOUSSEEMINGLY MADE UP INTERNET

WORKS LIKE THIS:

I-G-G-Y-A-Z-A-L-E-A.

IGGY IZALEA.

BUT COMEDIANS DON'T WORRY,IF YOU DON'T KNOW THE WORD

YOU CAN ASK FOR ITSDEFINITION OR FOR ME TO USE

IT IN A SENTENCE.

ALL RIGHT, BRANDON. YOUR WORD ISFLEEK, FLEEK.

FLEEK IS AN ADJECTIVE USED TODESCRIBE ONE'S WELL-STYLED

EYEBROWS AS POPULARIZE BY THISVINER NAMED PEACHES

MONROEE.

>> MY EYEBROWS ARE FLEEK, BITCH!AHH!

>> WHAT?

(LAUGHTER)

>> CHRIS: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> JUST CHECKING TO SEE IFTHIS RING WOULD FIT ON HER

HAND.

CAPITAL F-L-E-E-K.

>> CHRIS: YES, THAT IS THECORRECT ANSWER FOR FLEEK.

>> WOW. WOW.

>> CHRIS: MOVING ON, ALEX YOURWORD IS ERMAHGERD.

>> I'M SORRY.

>> CHRIS: ERMAHGERD.

>> MAY I HAVE A DEFINITION.

>> CHRIS: YES, OF COURSE.

ERMAHGERD: EXPRESSION, OF ANEXCITED EXPRESSION OF OH MY GOOD

USED IN MEMES LIKE THIS:

ERMAHGERD, BERST CURSMASERVER.

>> ERMAHGERD I-M-U-R-G-U-R.

>> CHRIS: NO, THE CORRECTSPELLING IS:

E-R-M-A-H-G-E-R-D.

ERMAHGERD, ERMAHGERD.

>> YOU PUT THE "H" IN THE WRONGSPOT.

>> CHRIS: PAUL, YOUR WORD ISBAE.

>> DEFINITION, PLEASE.

>> CHRIS: BAE. AN ABBREVIATIONFOR BABY, CAUSE KIDS TODAY JUST

DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THAT SECONDSYLLABLE.

>> SENTENCE PLEASE.

>> ME AND MY BAE TAKING ABOAT ACROSS THE BAY TO SEE

MICHAEL BAY'S REMANAGING OFBABY' KIDS.

>> OKAY.

AND SPELLING?

>> CHRIS: NO, THAT'S --

(LAUGHTER)

>> CHRIS: I SEE WHAT YOU ARETRYING TO DO, BUT THAT'S -- NOT,

I DON'T-- YOU KNOW WHAT, ITJUST OCCURRED NO KID IN THE

SPELLING BEE EVER TRIEDTHAT.

>> WHY DON'T THEY DO THAT.

IT'S NOT IN THE RULEBOOK.

>> CHRIS: OH, HE'S GOT US.

>> BAE.

B-A-E, BAE.

>> CORRECT, PAUL F. TOMPKINS!

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAMECELEBRITY CHILDREN'S BOOKS.

CELEBRITY CHILDREN'S BOOKS.

ONLY 16 SHOPPING DAYS LEFTUNTIL CHRISTMAS AND MANY

CELEBRITIES HAVE WRITTENCHILDREN'S BOOKS THAT MAKE A

GREAT GIFT FOR THE TODDLEROR ILLITERATE ADULT IN YOUR

LIFE.

FOR EXAMPLE, UNCLE SI THECHRISTMAS ELF, BY ONE OF THE

DUCK DYNASTY FELLOWS.

>> BOO.

>> CHRIS: SO IF THIS GUY CANWRITE A BOOK WHILE ON THE

MOONSHINE AND HIS FAMILYTRADITION OF HATE, THEN ANY

CELEBRITY CAN.

COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE YOUTO NAME AS MANY CELEBRITY

CHILDREN'S BOOKS AS POSSIBLE.

60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK AND GO.

PAUL F.

>> ONE FISH TWO FISH HATETHE JEW FISH BY MEL GIBSON.

(APPLAUSE)

>> CHRIS: POINTS. POINTS.

BRANDON JOHNSON.

>> ARE YOU THERE, BITCH?

IT'S ME CHRIS BROWN.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

ALEX BORSTEIN.

>> GOOD NIGHT POON BY ELLENPAGE.

>> CHRIS: OH, JESUS CHRIST.POINTS.

BRANDON JOHNSON.

>> STAY THE [BLEEP] AWAYFROM ME CHRIS HARDWICK

BY TAYLOR SWIFT.

>> CHRIS: PAUL F.

>> YOU TEACH ME TO READ BYVIN DIESEL.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

BRANDON.

>> BI-CURIOUS GEORGE BYANDY DICK.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, POINTS.

>> CHRIS: ALEX.

>> THE GIVING HEAD TREE BY KIMKARDASHIAN.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, POINTS.