Tuesday, May 26, 2015

  • 05/26/2015

Mary Lynn Rajskub, Dave Anthony and Marc Maron of "Maron" list lines from a Kylie Jenner TED talk, write a #5WordWeddingToast and guess which Christian cover songs are real.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

I MISSED THAT.

JUST THE LITTLE THINGS.

TEEN LIP INJECTRESS KYLIE JENNERIS FINALLY USING HER TWITTER

ACCOUNT TO RAISE AWARENESS FORSOMETHING OTHER THAN A CLOTHING

LINE FOR WAYWARD YOUTH. THEYOUNGEST OF THE SECOND WORST

CLAN STARTING WITH A K PUT OUTTHIS -- WAIT A MINUTE.

I AM SORRY.

NO.

YOU ARE RIGHT.

I AM SORRY, YOU ARE RIGHT.

THE WORST CLAN TO START WITH A KPUT OUT THIS IMPORTANT TWEET

ABOUT CHEMTRAILS.

YES.

ASKING THINGS LIKE.. THIS ISTHE THINGS SHE RETWEETED, ASKING

THINGS LIKE WHY DID I SEE 75PLANES SPRAYING STUFF INTO THE

SKY ON MY 15 MINUTE DRIVE TOWORK?

WELL, PROBABLY BECAUSE YOU LIVENEAR AN AIRPORT AND IT'S A

HOLIDAY WEEKEND.

DOES THIS HAVE ANYTHING TO DOWITH WHY HONEYBEES ARE DYING OFF

REALLY FAST?

NOPE IT WAS A COMBINATION OFMITES AND PESTICIDES.

WE FIGURED THAT ONE OUT.

WHO -- WHOS IS RESPONCIBLE?

I WANNA KNOW WHO IS RESPONCIBLE.

WE WILL NEVER NERB, WE WILLNEVER NERB.

SHE GOT A LOT OF RESPONSESLIKE THIS ONE FROM @ROBFEE AND

TOOK TIME AWAY FROM FROMBRUSHING HER HAIR PROBABLY

TO REPLY.

SO ROB SAID, I WOULD PAY $25,000TO HEAR A KYLIE JENNER TED TALK

ON CHEMTRAILS.

AND THEN KYLIE RESPONDED, I'D DOIT. C-TRAILS, AS THE KIDS

ARE CALLING THEM, TO ME, ARE THEEASIEST OF ALL THINGS GOING ON

IN MY WORLD FOR MY FOLLOWERS TOUNDERSTAND.

YEAH, I WOULD SAY THAT IS ABOUTRIGHT.

DON'T GET HER FOLLOWERS STARTEDON THINGS THEY SEE IN THE SKY

LIKE THAT DAYTIME HOT MOON.

WHAT IS THAT?

SO, COMEDIANS, I WOULD LOVE YOUGO GIVE ME A LINE FROM KYLIE

JENNER'S TED TALK, MARY LYNNRAJSKUB.

>> THANKS FOR HAVING ME HERE ATTED TALK. CHEMTRAILS, YOU CAN DO

SOMETHING ABOUT THEM.

PLAY MY GAME, CALLED CHEMTRAILSCRUSH.

>> Chris: POINTS FOR MARYLYNN.

DAVE ANTHONY.

>> I WOULD LIKE TO START BYSAYING I WOULD BE GETTING MY

CHEMTRAILS LASERED SINCE I WAS15.

>> Chris: WAS THERE MORE?

>> THAT'S IT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> THAT WAS THE WHOLE --

>> Chris: IT WAS ANNOUNCEDTODAY CHARTER AGREED TO ACQUIRE

TIME WARNER TO BE THE LARGESTCABLE COMPANY IN THE WORLD.

WE KNOW THIS IS A POTENTIALLYBORING NEWS STORY, SO WE WILL

USE VIRAL VIDEOS TO EXPLAIN ITIN A SEGMENT CALLED SQUEE-NN.

I SEE THE MEOW JONES IS DOWN.

I HATE MYSELF TOO.

BEFORE CABLE AND INTERNET -- YOUARE RIGHT TO SHAKE YOUR HEAD AT

ME THAT TIME.

I COMPLETELY SUPPORT YOUR HEADSHAKE.

BEFORE CABLE AND INTERNETCOMPANIES STARTED TO MERGE THERE

WERE A LOT OF OPTION IT IS.

WE CONSUMERS WERE LIKE ADORABLECATS DECIDING WHICH CARDBOARD

BOX TO JUMP INTO ON A HOMEMADEGRID.

SO NOW THE COMPANIES ARESTARTING TO MERGE GIVING US

FEWER CHOICES. WITHOUTCOMPETITION, THESE COMPANIES ARE

BATHING IN MONEY LIKE A BABYBIRD IN A SINK.

NOW, THIS NEW MEGA COMPANYWILL BE A MONKEY ON THE BACK OF

THE CONSUMER OR TO PUT ITANOTHER WAY, A CHIHUAHUA ON THE

BACK POSSESS AN ACROBAT.

SEEN HERE.

LIKELY OUTCOME IS THAT CONSUMERSWILL BE ASKING TO PAY EVEN MORE

FOR CABLE AND INTERNET WHILE THECOMPANIES (BLEEP) US WITH THEIR

GIANT CHIHUAHUA DICK.

I MEAN, THAT IS VERY IMPRESSIVE.

THERE HAS TO BE EIGHT OR TENPERCENT OF HIS BODY MASS.

THAT IS LIKE A T-SHIRT CANNON.

COMEDIANS, IF YOU ARE GOINGTO GET THOROUGHLY AND

EXPENSIVELY RAILED BY A CABLEPAYMENT WHAT IS THE NEW SERVICE

YOU GOPE TO GET OUT OF THE DEAL?

MARC MARON.

>> I WOULD JUST LIKE A CHANNELWHERE EVERYWHERE GUY FURY GOES,

HE GETS FOOD POISONING.

>> Chris: YES.

>> POO POISIONING.>> Chris: FOOD POISONING.

>> IT IS JUST FOOTAGE OF HIMEATING AND A SHOT OF A BATHROOM

DOOR HIM SAYING I AM OKAY, I AMOKAY.

I WILL BE OUT IN A MINUTE.

>> Chris: AND THEN SOMEONECOMING IN AND TIPPING HIM UP TO

SCRUB THE TOILET WITH THEBRISTLES.

NOW IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

IF YOU SPENT ANY AMOUNT OF TIMEON FACEBACK BOOK IN THE LAST

THREE DAYS, YOU ARE AWARE THATMEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND WAS

JAM-PACKED WITH WEDDINGS.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

THERE WERE LOT OF AWKWARDOFFICE WORKERS STUMBLING THROUGH

SENTIMENTS AS THEY RAISE THEIRGLASSES TO THE HAPPY COURPLES.

SO TONIGHT IS#5WORDWEDDINGTOAST.

EXAMPLES I'M PREGNANT AND IT'SYOURS.

OR DOES THIS PLACE VALIDATEDPARKING.

OR I'M SORRY MY DICK IS OUT.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK STARTING NOW!

MARC.

>> WHAT FROM YOU TWO, STUPID?

>> Chris: POINTS.

MARY LYNN.

>> I'M MARRYING VODKA, RIGHTLADIES?

>> Chris: POINTS. DAVE.

>> NO WAY DOES THIS LAST.

GAY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MARON.

>> I GIVE IT TWO YEARS.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

MARY LYNN.

>> SACRED BOND MY ASS, KAREN.

>> Chris: MARC.

>> TAKE IT FROM ME, DON'T.

>> Chris: POINTS.

DAVE.

>> THE BRIDE IS SUPER TIGHT.

>> Chris: CORRECTION, THEBRIDE WAS SUPER TIGHT.

MARY LYNN.

>> I WAS SUPER TIGHT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MARC.

>> YOU TWO ARE GREAT TOGETHER.

I'M NOT A MONSTER!

>> Chris: NO, POINTS, IAPPRECIATE IT, YES.

>> REMEMBER TWO ON A STICK --

>> Chris: OKAY... TWO IN THESTINK!

>> LIKE THAT.

THAT'S HOW I DO IT.

>> WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? IS THATAN ASS JOKE?

>> Chris: YES.

I THINK YOU GO TWO IN THEPINK, ONE -- YOU DON'T WANT

TO GO TWO IN THE STINK PART.

>> I HAVE ONE MORE.

>> Chris: WHAT IS YOURS?

>> STAY IN THE PINK, PLEASE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

I LOVE YOU.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY LOCO POLICESCANNER.

LOCO POLICE SCANNER.

NOW, POLICE SCANNERS ARE NOTJUST FOR LONELY NOSY GRANDPAS

ANYMORE. THANKS TO TWITTERLONELY NOSIES PEOPLE OF ALL AGES

CAN LET THE WORLD KNOW WHATPETTY CRIMES AND SEMI NUDE

DISTURBANCES ARE TAKING PLACE INTHEIR NEIGHBORHOOD.

COMEDIANS, I AM GOING TO SHOWYOU PART OF A TWEET FROM SOMEONE

LISTENING TO THEIR LOCAL POLICESCANNER AND TELL ME HOW IT

PANNED OUT.

FIRST ONE: THERE'S A TIREROLLING DOWN GRANT GOING

APPROXIMATELY 20 MILES PER HOUR.

HASHTAG HAVE YOU SEEN MY TIRE?

THAT WAS FROM THEENTERTAINMENT CAPITAL OF THE

WORLD, BRANSON, MISSOURI.

DAVE ANTHONY.

>> YOU PICKED A FINE TIME TOLEAVE ME, LOOSE WHEEL.

>> Chris: OH, MY GOD, THAT WASLIKE A SIXTH GRADE -- HOW COULD

YOU -- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, WELL YOU DID THEFINGER GUNS, I HAVE TO GIVE YOU

POINTS FOR THAT.

MARY-LYNN.

>> LOCAL REDNECK ANNOUNCES BIRTHOF SEVENTH CHILD.

>> Chris: POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

SOMEONE REPORTS TO US FROMORLANDO FLORIDA BECAUSE OF

COURSE THEY DO.

>> ON THE POLICE SCANNER HE SAIDTHE GUY WAS THROWING NUMB CHUCKS

AT HIS DOG. #FLORIDA

DAVE ANTHONY.

>> A MAN QUESTIONS IF HIS DOG ISTRULY THE ONE THE PROPHECY

FORETOLD.

>> Chris: POINTS.

THE ANSWER IS YES.

MARC.

>> LOOKS LIKE IT WILL BE SIXMORE WEEKS OF FLORIDA WINTER.

>> Chris: POINTS.

AND THIS GEM FROM ST. LOUIS.

>> POLICE CALLED FOR DISPUTEOVER LEAVES. NEIGHBORS KEEP

BLOWING THEM IN EACH OTHER'SYARDS AND IT'S GETTING HEATED.

>> Chris: MARC MARON.

>> IT'S A REAL MEXICAN STANDOFF.

>> Chris: OH, NO.

>> WHAT? WHAT?

>> Chris: I CLAIM NO --

I HAVE TO GIVE HIM POINTSBECAUSE THE CLEARLY-RACIST

AUDIENCE APPLAUDED IT.

NOW TIME FOR OUR NEXT

GAME, CRINGEWORTHY CHRISTWORTHY.

ANY TONE-DEAF GOOBER CAN COVERA HIT SONG, BUT IT TAKES SOMEONE

TRULY HOMESCHOOLED TO INFUSETHAT SONG WITH THE POWER

OF CHRIST'S LOVE.

AND SOME SICK YOUTH GROUPBACKING VOCALS.

I'M GONNA NAME TWO SONGS, ANDFOR 250 POINTS, BUT HAVE TO TELL

ME WHICH GOT THE KICK-ASSCHRISTIAN TREATMENT ON THE

YOUTUBES.

FIRST ONE:

BRITNEY SPEARS COVERED CALLEDSAVE ME JESUS ONE MORE TIME OR A

HIT ON THE HOLY COVER OF YLVIS,WHAT DOES THE FOX SAY?

>> I GOT SO EXCITED THIS BETTERBE SAVE ME JESUS ONE MORE TIME.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> WHAT DID GOD SAY?

>> YOUR FAMILY WILL BE ISRAEL,YOUR FAMILY IS ISRAEL.

>> WHAT DID GOD SAY?

>> Chris: I STILL THINK GODSHOULD HAVE SAID, DEE, DEE, DEE,

DEE, DEE.

>> MAN THAT GUY IS WALKING ONWATER.

>> Chris: HE IS THE CHRISTCHILD!

>> IF THERE IS A GOD HE IS VERYDISAPPOINTED.

>> Chris: NEXT ONE, THE COVEROF TAYLOR SWIFT SHAKE IT OFF

ABOUT GOD'S PLAN OR ARIANAGRANDE COVER OF LOVE ME

HARDER ABOUT SAVINGYOURSELF FOR JESUS LOVE?

MARC.

>> THE GOD THING DIDNT REALLYSYNC UP LAST TIME.

I'M GONNA GO WITH SHAKE IT OFF.

>> I AM IN HELL!

I AM IN THEM!

>> I PICTURED MYSELF INAN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE.

I REALLY LIKED YOUR VIDEO, THATWAS GREAT.

JUST SEEING HER IN CHURCH.

>> Chris: CHRIST LIKE COVEROF LMAFO'S SEXY AND I KNOW IT,

OR A JESUS-Y ANTHEM OF PITBULL'SMR. WORLDWIDE.

DAVE.

>> MR. WORLDWIDE.

>> Chris: I THINK IT MIGHT BETHE OTHER ONE.

♪♪

>> Chris: NO, DAVE.

>> OH, NO.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU,GUY?

>> Chris: ONE IN THE GRAY, TWOIN THE HAY.

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME,ZANGER, I HARDLY KNEW HER.

WELL AN OLD COUPLE INILLINOIS HAS WELCOMED THEIR

100TH GRANDCHILD.

LOOK AT THESE PROLIFIC BABYBLASTERS, THERE THEY ARE.

>> THEY HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 59YEARS AND THEY HAVE 12 KIDS, 53

GRANDCHILDREN, 46 GREATGRANDCHILDREN AND A GEAT-

GREAT GRANDSON.

>> Chris: THE ZANGER FAMILYCANNOT STOP (BLEEP)ING.

IT IS A NOT STOP ZANGBANG OVERTHERE.

THEIR 100TH GRANDSON IS NAMEDJAXTON.

WHICH, THAT'S A NAME YOU SETTLEON WHEN YOU'VE RUN OUT OF IDEAS.

IT SOUNDS MADE-UP. HIS NAME'S...JAXTON, I DON'T KNOW.

THAT'S WHAT YOU NAME PEOPLEWHEN YOU HAVE 100 PEOPLE NAMED.

EVERYONE KNOWS WHEN YOUDON'T KNOW WHAT TO NAME YOUR

CHILD TO JUST NAME THEM AFTERTHEY WERE CONCEIVED.

BY THIS RULE, I WOULD LIKE YOUTO COME UP WITH AS MANY AS NAMES

AS YOU CAN FOR ZANGER CHILDRENTO COME.

60-SECONDS ON THE CLOCK ANDBEGIN.

>> WRIGLEY FIELD DUMPSTER.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MARY LYNN.

>> DAVE & BUSTERS, THE TWINS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

DAVE ANTHONY.

>> WHY ISN'T MY WORKING.

>> UNCLE LARRY'S WATERBED.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MARY LYNN.

>> KATY PERRY CONCERT FOOTAGEON PAUSE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

I THINK MARC'S BUZZER ISGENUINELY WORKING.

>> THERE IS IS.

>> SOMEONE WAS TRYING TO (BLEEP)WITH ME BACK THERE.

BROOKSTONE VIBRATING CHAIR.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MARY LYNN.

>> FORD FOCUS FRONT SEAT.

>> Chris: WOW, IN THE FRONTSEAT?

>> YES.

>> Chris: THAT'S AMAZING.

>> THAT'S HOW I ROLL.