Christopher Titus: The 5th Annual End of the World Tour

  • Season 1, Ep 101
  • 03/17/2007

Christopher Titus sees the world's end in conspiring cows, murderous spouses and constant war.

AND EVERY TIME THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING STUPID.

THE TERRY SCHIAVO THING WAS NUTS AND IT WAS ON TV

FOR 14 YEARS OR WHATEVER HOW LONG.

AND MY DAUGHTER TURNS TO ME IN THE MIDDLE OF IT AND SHE GOES,

"DADDY, WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS WOMAN?"

"WELL, HONEY, SHE'S BRAIN DEAD.HER BRAIN DOESN'T WORK ANYMORE."

"YOU MEAN LIKE UNCLE RUDY?"NO, UNCLE RUDY'S ON THORAZINE...

AND PAXIL...

AND MARIJUANA AND MERLOT."

I'M SO GLAD OUR GOVERNMENT HAS FINALLY DECIDED TO GET

DIRECTLY INVOLVEDIN OUR FAMILY BUSINESS.

AND THE TERRY SCHIAVO THING PISSED ME OFF 'CAUSE IT WAS

PREDICATED ON ONE THING, THERE WASN'T ENOUGH WITNESSES

TO WHAT TERRY WANTED.

SO, AS MY 300 WITNESSES TONIGHT, LET'S BE VERY CLEAR.

IF I AM EVER BRAIN DEAD, KILL TITUS.

IF I CANNOT CONTROL THE FLUIDS SPEWING OUT OF MY OWN ORIFICES,

PLEASE KILL TITUS.IF I'M NOT AWARE ENOUGH

TO PICK WHICH DIAPERS I WOULD LIKE TO BE CHANGED INTO

FOR GOD'S SAKES KILL TITUS, UNLESS, I'M REALLY FUNNY.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HONESTLY, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IF I'M LYING THERE...

[GOOFY NOISES]

AND YOU GUYS ENJOY THATGOD BLESS YOU.

FILM A MOVIE, DRESS ME AS A VIKING, I DON'T CARE.

AND YOU KNOW WHY I DON'T CARE, 'CAUSE I'M BRAIN DEAD!

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEN WHEN YOU'RE DONE LAUGHING AT ME, KILL TITUS.

AND DON'T LET ME DIE SLOW AND HORRIBLE

BY PULLING MY FEEDING TUBE.I WANT YOU GUYS

TO DUCT-TAPE MY ASS TO A MOTORCYCLE AND LET'S BREAK

EVEL KNIEVEL'S JUMP RECORD. THAT'S RIGHT.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

I WANT TO GO OUT BIG. I WANNA BE BRAIN DEAD

OVER THE SNAKE RIVER CANYON. RING, RING, ARR, RARR, RARR!

[LAUGHTER]

AND PLEASE FILM IT SO MY FAMILYCAN MAKE SOME MONEY OFF THE DVD.

WHICH I WOULD LIKE TO BE CALLED KILL TITUS,

"WITH 30-MINUTES OF BONUS FOOTAGE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MADE YOU GIGGLE LIKE A GIRL, DUDE.

WHITE PEOPLE LISTEN UP.I FOUND THIS IN MY STUDIES.

THERE AREWHITE PEOPLE JOKES.I KNOW.

[LAUGHTER]

AND LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,THESE JOKES ARE HARSH.

I KNOW THAT 'CAUSENONE OF MY BLACK FRIENDSWILL TELL ME ANY OF 'EM.

AND I HAVE ASKED.COME ON JUST GIVE ME ONE.

NAH, MAN, YOU DON'TWANT TO HEAR IT, REALLY.

I SIGNED THE WAIVER. LEGALLYI CAN'T TELL YOU THE JOKE.

YOU KNOW WHY THOSE JOKESARE SO HARSH AND SO FUNNY?

'CAUSE THEY HAD 400 YEARSTO WRITE THOSE JOKES.

AND HERE'STHE PROBLEM RIGHT NOW,

THE PROBLEM WE HAVE WITHBLACK PEOPLE RIGHT NOW ANDIT'S ON WHITE'S PEOPLE SIDE,

EVERY WHITE PERSONIN OUR COUNTRY KNOWS WHATOUR ANCESTORS DID.

WE KNOW HOW WRONG, HORRIBLE,VICIOUS AND BRUTAL IT WAS

AND THE THING IS WHAT HAPPENEDIS JUST SO OUTRAGEOUS,

FRANKLY, NONE OF US KNOWWHAT TO SAY ABOUT IT, MAN.

HOW DO YOU APOLOGIZE FOR A400-YEAR FAUX PAS LIKE THAT?

OOPS. "MY BAD"JUST DOESN'T COVER IT.

MY BLACK FRIENDSBRING UP SLAVERY.

I CAN'T EVEN TALK, MAN.I'M LIKE, OH, OH, OH, OH!

[STAMMERING,BLOWING RASPBERRIES]

- [STAMMERING CONTINUES]- [LAUGHTER]

YOU GUYS KNOWI WASN'T THERE, RIGHT?

COME ON LET'S GOSHOOT SOME HOOP.

NOT THAT YOU'REPRE-DISPOSED TO SHOOT HOOP.

OH, GOD, DON'T BEAT ME UP.PLEASE, DON'T BEAT ME UP.

A LOT OF WHITE PEOPLE ARE AFRAIDTHEY'RE GONNA HAVE TO WRITE

A REALLY BIG CHECK, TOO.BUT I DID SOME RESEARCH.

I FOUND MANY BLACK LEADERS HAVESAID THAT IN CAVEAT REPARATIONS

AS MUCH AS THEY WISH SOMEBODY,ANYBODY WOULD JUST STEP UP AND

MAKE A FORMAL APOLOGY.AND THAT'S FAIR, ISN'T IT?

AND I BELIEVE ONE MANCAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

THAT IF ONE MAN TOOK100 PERCENT RESPONSIBILITY,

- THE HEALING CAN START. GO.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DUDE, THERE'S SOME PEOPLERIGHT BEHIND YOU, MAN. COME ON.

PFLT! ALL RIGHT, WHITEY,I GOT IT.

[LAUGHTER]

GOOD EVENING, BLACK PEOPLE.FIRST OF ALL,

MAY I SAY YOU'RE RIGHT,YOU DO DANCE BETTER THAN US.

BUT ON THE OTHER HAND,I ALSO LOVE CHICKEN.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW THAT WE HAVE FOUNDSOME COMMON GROUND MAY I SAY,

I APOLOGIZE.SLAVERY WAS ALL MY FAULT.STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!

I THOUGHT IT WASGONNA BE A FUN TRIP.

WE'RE GOING TO AFRICA.WOO-WHO!

BUT ALL WE BROUGHTWAS BEER AND NO WOMEN.SO WHEN WE GOT THERE,

WE WERE JUSTHUNG OVER AND PISSED OFF.

AND THEN ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE.I APOLOGIZE.

WE SHOULD'VE JUSTBROUGHT BACK PLANTS.

BUT WE HAD THISCOUNTRY TO BUILD.

AND WE NEEDED SOME PEOPLE.

WE COULD'VE USEDTHE INDIANS TO HELP US.

BUT, BUT WE KILLED THEM.

[LAUGHTER]

- TO THE INDIAN PEOPLE...- [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

- I ALSO LOVE WHISKEY...- [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

- AND HATE TRASH ON THE FREEWAY.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE'RE COMING UP FROM ENGLAND. WE GOT OUR OWN RELIGION.

WE'RE GOING TO THIS NEW COUNTRYAND THERE'S NOBODY THERE.

WHO THE [BLEEP]IS STANDING ON THE BEACH

WITH THE FEATHERS IN HIS HAIR? HOLD UP, HOLD UP, HOLD UP.

HE'S WEARING A LOINCLOTH,SMOKING A PIPE.

HE'S PROBABLY HIGH. NO. LET HIM KEEP SMOKING 'CAUSE THEN HE WON'T CARE

IF WE TAKE HIS WHOLE COUNTRY, IDIOT.

SORRY. INDIANS,WE DIDN'T MEAN FOR IT TOGO DOWN THE WAY IT DID.

FOR US, IT WAS LIKE GOING TO A PARTY IN HIGH SCHOOL

AT SOMEONE'S HOUSE AND THEIR PARENTS WERE OUT OF TOWN.

WE DIDN'T MEAN TO TRASH THE PLACE.

BUT THE FOOTBALL TEAMWAS DOING CRYSTAL METH.

AND INDIANS, I PROMISE TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU

BY AT LEAST ONCE A YEAR, LOSING A THOUSAND DOLLARS IN YOUR LOVELY CASINOS.

HUH? YES. WE COULD ALL DO OUR PART.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND INDIANS, WHY DID WE TAKE YOUR WHOLE COUNTRY? MY GOD, WE TOOK EVERYTHING.

WE COULD HAVE AT LEAST LEFT YOU TEXAS.

I MEAN, HELL, WE CLEANED OUTALL THE MEXICANS.

[SILENCE, LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

- [SPEAKING SPANISH] - [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

- MUY...APOLODISO? - [LAUGHTER]

I DON'T KNOW WHY THE HELL WE'RE FIGHTING SO HARD

FOR TEXAS FOR ANYWAY. ANYONE HERE BEEN TO TEXAS?

TEXAS IS A HELLHOLE, MAN. DIRT, CACTUS, LIZARDS,

DIRT, CACTUS, THE BUSH FAMILY, DIRT, CACTUS, LIZARDS.

I MEAN, COME ON. HEY, HEY.

IT'S NOT LIKE WE WERE FIGHTING FOR COLORADO.

HA, HA, HA! AGAIN, INDIANS, REALLY SORRY ABOUT COLORADO.

OKAY, I WANT TO KNOW. WHO ELSE, TO THE JAPANESE,

YOU KNOW ABOUT THE A-BOMB IN THE INTERNMENT CAMPS?

[BLEEP] THAT, YOU GUYS STARTED THAT, MAN.

HEY, HEY, WE WERE CHILLIN' IN HAWAII AND ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE!

I WILL ADMIT I OVERREACTED.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT LOOK AT YOU NOW, HUH, WITH THE PLASMA TV

AND THE TOYOTA PRIUS,HUH? HUH? HUH?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I THINK SOMEBODY DESERVES A THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO, TO EVERY RACE OF PEOPLE IN HERE TONIGHT THAT WHITEY HAS JACKED UP,

I SINCERELY APOLOGIZE FOR TAKING YOUR LAND,

FOR THE ABUSE, FOR THE TORTURE, FOR THE SMALL POX BLANKET,

FOR THE JIM CROW LAWS. BLACK PEOPLE,

- I APOLOGIZE FOR KRAMER. - [LAUGHTER, OH'S AND APPLAUSE]

IN FACT, WE'RE GONNACHANGE THE WORLD TONIGHT

FOR OUR KIDS AND THEIR KIDS.ON THREE, I WANT

EVERY WHITE PERSONIN THIS AUDIENCE TO SAY,

"I'M WHITEY AND I APOLOGIZE." ONE, TWO, THREE,

In Unison: I'M WHITEY AND I APOLOGIZE.

I'M GONNA CRY.THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL, MAN. THAT WAS GREAT.

WHEW! SEE? WE CRACKED THE DOOR A LITTLE BIT.

AND BY THE WAY,IF YOU'RE NOT WHITE,

YOU SHOULD PROBABLY ACCEPT OUR APOLOGY,

'CAUSE DID YOU SEE HOW FAST WE GOT ORGANIZED?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I KNOW.

MY LITTLE BOY, HE'S, I DON'T LIKE HIM MUCH YET.

- HE, AH-- - [LAUGHTER]

WELL, I MADE HIM SMILE A COUPLE TIMES.

BUT I'M FUNNIER THAN THAT.

AND IF I'M PAYING YOUR RENTAND FEEDING YOU,

I'M THE FUNNIEST SON OF A BITCH IN THAT HOUSE.

THIS HOW YOU WAKE UP, HA, HA-HA, HA-HA-HA!

OH, YOU'RE KILLING ME, DADDY. STOP IT. I CAN'T TAKE IT.

YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME PEE. OH, WAIT. I'VE ALREADY PEE'D.

- SORRY. IT'S OKAY. GO AHEAD. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NO, HE'S COOL. MY DAUGHTER'S FIVE AND IT'S COOL, MAN,

'CAUSE THEY'RE AT THAT AGE, TWO TO FIVE, IT'S MAGICAL,

EVERYTHING THEY HEAR, THEY SUCK IT IN, THEY SAY IT

EXACTLY HOW YOU SAID IT TO THEM.IT'S AMAZING. AND KIND OF LIKE

LIVING WITH A WITNESS FOR THE PROSECUTION, MAN,

'CAUSE WE HAD A LITTLE INCIDENT. OUR FIRST ONE HAPPENED WHEN

MY DAUGHTER WAS 18 MONTHS OLD. I HAD TO TAKE HER FOR THE DAY.

'CAUSE IT'D BEEN 18 MONTHS AND MY WIFE NEEDED TO "SHOWER."

[LAUGHTER]

SHE WAS GETTING KIND OF FUNKY LADY, I'LL ADMIT THAT.

SO I GOT THE KID IN THE CAR AND I'M BY MYSELF.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING. I'M JUST DRIVING.

AND WE HAD A LITTLE ROAD RAGEINCIDENT, NOT MY FAULT.

SHUT UP, LADY, YOU DON'T KNOW ME.

GUY CUT ME OFF. I CATCH UP. "ALL RIGHT, MAN, IT'S ON!"

AND FROM THE BACK SEAT, [HIGH-PITCH VOICE] "IT'S ON."

[LAUGHTER]

BUT NO REAL DAMAGE DONE, RIGHT? EXCEPT, I'M A NEW DAD.

I'M STILL MY OLD PUNKY SELF. I START CHASING HIM DOWN THE FREEWAY. "WHAT A [BLEEP]!

"WHAT A [HIGH-PITCH VOICE] [BLEEP].

[LAUGHTER]

NOW I GOT TO TAKE HER HOME TO HER MOTHER AND THERE'S NO

DUCT TAPE IN THE CAR. SO I WENT TO THE WALGREENS AND GOT SOME BENADRYL.

[LAUGHTER, OH'S AND APPLAUSE]

THE "SEVEN DOLLAR BABY-SITTER."

OH, MAN, I GOT HOME A COUPLE HOURS LATER,SHE WAS GREAT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE BITCHING ABOUT ALL THE TIME.SHE DIDN'T MAKE A NOISE.

WHY YOU WHISPERING? SHE'S NOT GONNA WAKEUP FOR A WHILE.

AND WHEN SHE DOES, SHE'S GONNA KNOW SOME NEW WORDS.

BUT SOME GOOD ONES, TOO,LIKE ADULT AND DOSAGE.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, SHE'S SO PRECIOUS WHEN SHE SLEEPS WITH

- HER EYES OPEN LIKE THAT. - [LAUGHTER, OH'S AND APPLAUSE]

THREE MONTHS LATER, MY WIFE ASKS ME TO TAKE HER OUT AGAIN

'CAUSE SHE NEEDS ANOTHER SHOWER.

HOW MANY SHOWERS DOES THIS WOMAN FREAKING NEED?

SO I GOT THE KID IN THE CAR AND WE'RE DRIVING AND WE HAVE

ANOTHER ROAD RAGE INCIDENT. NOT MY FAULT.

BUT I SEE A PATTERN.

GUY CUTS ME OFF, I SLAM ON THE BRAKES, YOU KNOW,

AND I SLAM AGAINST MY SEAT BELT.

SHE JAMS AGAINST HER 48-POINT HARNESS.

BUT I'M A GOOD DADDY. I LEARNED MY LESSON.

I DON'T DO ANYTHING. I JUST GO [INHALES, EXHALES]

FROM THE BACKSEAT, "SON OF A BITCH."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE'RE GONNA HAVE A LITTLE TALK WITH MOMMY WHEN WE GET HOME.

"IT'S ON." "THAT'S RIGHT. IT'S ON. HELL, YEAH.

HELL, YES IT'S ON. IT IS ON."

SHE'S COOL, MAN, BOTH MY KIDS, FIERCELY INDEPENDENT.

AT 13 MONTHS THEY DECIDED THEY COULD HANDLE THEIR OWN LIVES.

MAYBE 'CAUSE I'M THEIR DAD THEY'RE LIKE, DAD, I GOT IT.

MY BOY'S LIKE I DON'T NEED YOU TO FEED ME.GIVE ME THE FORK.

DINK, DINK, DINK, DINK, DINK!

THEN CHILD SERVICES COMES OVER I'M LIKE, "HE DID IT."

AND MY DAUGHTER, MAN, WHEN SHE HIT THREE YOU COULDN'T GET NEAR HER.

I TAKE OFF MY OWN CLOTHES. I TAKE OFF MY OWN CLOTHES.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OKAY, HON, BUT TAKING OFF A LONG SLEEVE TURTLENECK SWEATER

TO A 3 YEAR-OLD IS LIKE SPACE TRAVEL TO US BIG PEOPLE.

BUT HERE'S WHAT I LEARNED, LET THEM DO IT.

SO I JUST BACK UP, LET HER DO IT.

BUT I'M TIMING HER. TWENTY-TWO SECONDS IN,

SWEATER'S WRAPPED AROUND HER HEAD FOUR TIMES, RIGHT?

SHE GOT ONE EYE SHOWN BUT IT'S ROLLING BACK DUE TO LACK OF OXYGEN.

NOW THE SWEATER'S OVER HER FACE.

SHE CAN'T SEE SO SHE STARTS TO PANIC

AND STARTS RUNNING DOWN THE HALLWAY TO HER BEDROOM.

BUT SHE CAN'T SEE SO SHE'S JUST BOUNCING OFF THE WALLS AND FURNITURE

AND I REALLY WANT TO HELP HER.BUT I'M LAUGHING SO HARD

- I CAN BARELY STAND UP. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

GUY'S SUPPOSED TO LEAD US TO GLORY,

DOING IT WITH THEIR HANDS ON LITTLE KIDS' PANTS,

WHAT IS UP? ONE PRIEST IN BOSTON, ONE DUDE, MESSED WITH

OVER A HUNDRED KIDS. A HUNDRED KIDS.

YO, FATHER GROPEY IT'S NOT AN OLYMPIC EVENT. HOW SICK IS THAT DUDE?

HE'S UP THERE ON SUNDAY PREACHING, LOOKING OUT. OOH, HIS VESTING'S ARE TIGHT

AND HE'S SWINGING THATSMOKY THING, SHAKING IT.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE SMOKY THING IS CALLED.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

DON'T YOU THINK IF YOU'RE JONESING FOR A BOY SCOUT

OR YOU HAVE AN ALTER BOY MONKEY ON YOUR BACK,

YOU SHOULD FIND A WAY TO STOP, MAN.

GO TO THE HOME DEPOT, GET A SLEDGEHAMMER.

[POUNDING SOUND]KILL THE URGE.

I FEEL BAD FOR THESE PRIESTS. YOU KNOW WHAT I WISH THEY HAD?

I WISH THEY HAD OH-- HA-HA! I WISH THEY HAD LIKE,

LIKE A GOD TO PRAY TO FOR GUIDANCE.

OR MAYBE LIKE A BOOK WITH SOME RULES IN IT

- THEY CAN READ.- [LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND DON'T MISUNDERSTAND ME. I BELIEVE IN GOD.

I LOOK AT MY TWO KIDS AND I KNOW THERE'S SOMETHING.

I WAS MARRIED 15 YEARS. GOD EXISTS.

[LAUGHTER]

I SURVIVED THREE YEARS ON THE FOX NETWORK.

- THERE IS A GOD.- [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

BUT I DON'T TRUST THE CHURCH ANYMORE AND THAT'S SAD

'CAUSE THEY'VE DONE GOOD WORK IN THE PAST.

THEY FED THE HUNGRY. THEY'VE HELPED THE HOMELESS.

WHEN IT COMES TO RAPING LITTLE KIDS, THEY DROPPED THE BALL.

HOW DO WE HELP THE CHURCH GET THEIR RESPECT BACK?

- I HAVE A PLAN:- [LAUGHTER]

PEDOPHILE CRUCIFIXIONS.

HEY, HEY. IT'S THEIR IDEA.

WE'RE JUST GOING OLD SCHOOL.

- BC, DOG. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. YOU WALK IN ON SUNDAY.

ONE OF THOSE BAD PRIESTS IS NAILED UP THERE,

IT'S GONNA CHANGE YOUR OPINIONABOUT THE CHURCH.

HOLY [BLEEP!] GOD DA-- WOW!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OH, I'M WEARING A TIE NEXT WEEK. 'CAUSE IT COMES DOWN

TO WHAT MY FATHER SAID,STEP UP OR STEP ASIDE.

THE ONE THING THE CHURCH HASN'T DONE

IS STEP UP AND DEAL WITH PROBLEM

OR STEP ASIDE LET THE AUTHORITIES DO IT.

AND IF THEY DID AND GOT SERIOUS AND ALL OF US KNEW THAT

THE SECOND SOMEONE LAID A HAND ON A KID WRONG,

THAT GUY WAS GONE, YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD HAPPEN?

CHURCH WOULD BE FULL TO THE RAFTERS AGAIN.

PIUS MEN OF GOD WOULD SHOW UP TO BE PRIESTS AGAIN, GREAT MEN.

MEN WITH LIGHT COMING OFF OF THEM.

SO WHEN YOU WENT OUT ON SUNDAY THERE WOULD BE A GREAT MAN

OF GOD IN FRONT OF YOU, ONE OF THOSE OLD SCHOOL GUYS,

[IRISH ACCENT] "OH, GOOD MORNING EVERYONE,

"HAPPY SUNDAY. HOW ARE YOU FEELING TODAY?

"FIRST OF ALL, I'D LIKE TO THANK THE TERRELLI BROTHERS

"FOR TAKING DOWN THE LIFE SIZE JESUS AND NAILING UP

"FATHER FINNIGAN HERE.I KNOW. I KNOW. SHUT UP!

"QUIT YOUR SCREAMING. IF IT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR JESUS, IT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.

"NOW, TODAY, WE'RE GONNALEARN ABOUT RETRIBUTION.

"OH, AND WE'RE GONNA SING SOME SONGS.

"I WANT YOU TO THINK OF IT AS A CRUCIFIXION KARAOKE.

"SHUT UP! TAKE IT LIKE A MAN!OH, I'M SORRY, GREGORY,

"I KNOW THAT'S WHAT HE SAID TO YOU. DON'T CRY.

[LAUGHTER AND OH'S]

"OH, DON'T BE OH'ING MEIN ME OWN CHURCH, OKAY?

"I'M HANDLING IT, AREN'T I?

"AND GREGORY, WIPE THE TEARS FROM YOUR EYES,

"COME ON, DO WHAT JESUS WOULD DO, COWBOY UP.

"NOW, FIRST OF ALL, I'D LIKE ALL THE CHILDREN

"THIS BASTARD MESSED WITH TO PLEASE STEP FORWARD,

"ALL OF YOU, WHOLE CHEESE AND CRACKERS. OKAY.

"WELL, I HOPE SATANLOVES RIPPING THE FLESHFROM YOUR BONES AND

"FEEDING IT TO THE WHORE HOUNDS OF HELL,

"YOU MAGGOT! AND THAT REMINDS ME,

"DON'T FORGET ABOUT THE BAKE SALE ON WEDNESDAY.

"NOW I'D LIKEALL THE CHILDRENTO PLEASE FORM

"A SINGLE FILE LINE BECAUSE, WELL, I'VE ONLY BROUGHT

- ONE NAIL GUN.- [LAUGHTER]

"I WASN'TEXPECTING THE OVERFLOW.

"AND GREGORY, YOU'RE FIRST. COME HERE, BOY. YOU'RE FIRST.

"LET HIM THROUGH. THERE YOU GO, BOY.

"COME HERE. THE TRIGGER'S RIGHT HERE.

"WHAT? OF COURSE YOU CAN SHOOT HIM WHEREVER YOU'D LIKE.

"NO, DON'T YOU BE UPSET. THIS IS JUST YOU NAILING HIM.

- COME ON." - [LAUGHTER AND OH'S]

NOW, IF I HAVE ANGERED OR OFFENDED ANYBODY

WITH THAT PIECE OF MATERIAL, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS GIVE ME

THE PRO-RAPING LITTLE KIDS SIDE OF THE ARGUMENT.

[LAUGHTER]

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