Christopher Titus: The 5th Annual End of the World Tour

  • 03/17/2007

It's the end of the world as Christopher Titus knows it: Cows are conspiring against us, spouses are killing each other, and no one's apologized for white people being jerks.

MY WIFE GAVE BIRTH TO OUR FIRST CHILD.

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - [THANK YOU]

THEN SEPTEMBER 11th, 2001, I REALIZED HOW BAD

- MY TIMING SUCKS. - [LAUGHTER]

IN THE FIVE YEARS MY KID HAS BEEN ALIVE ALL HELL HAS

BROKEN LOOSE ON THE PLANET EARTH.

AND I'M NOT BLAMING MY DAUGHTER FOR ALL OF IT.

I'M HOPING IT'S A COINCIDENCE.

TERRORISM, WAR,DISEASES WE CAN'T CURE.HURRICANES, TSUNAMIS,

- SPINACH [BLEEP] FRANCE. - [LAUGHTER]

IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD. IT'S AN ARMAGEDDON CHECKLIST.

POPE JOHN PAUL DIDN'T DIE.

- HE PRE-BOARDED. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND IF YOU HAVE KIDS, YOU'RE SCARED. I HAVE KIDS.

EVERY NIGHT THE NEWS IS TELLING ME LITTLE KIDS ARE GETTING STOLEN OFF

THE STREETS LIKE CAR STEREOS OUTOF CONVERTIBLES. AND I GOT TWO.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.I BOUGHT A ROTTWEILER,STAPLED BOTH TO IT 'TILL

THEY'RE 18. THERE YOU GO.

SHUT UP.DADDY SAYS RIDE THE DOG.

WE GOT NEW DISEASES EVERY WEEK.

DO YOU EVEN REMEMBER DISEASES BEFORE 9-11?

SINCE 9-11 SARS, MONKEY POX,

WHICH BOTH MY KIDS THINK ARE A SUGARY BREAKFAST CEREAL.

MAD COW DISEASE. I GOT TO BE AFRAID OF [BLEEP] COWS NOW?

AND CANADIAN COWS,I FEEL LIKE SUCH A PUSS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH, WHEN DID IT BECOMELIONS AND TIGERS AND COWS OH MY?

[LAUGHTER]

THEN WE GOT THE BIRD FLU,THE HANTAVIRUS,

THE MOSQUITO VIRUS. DID THE ANIMAL KINGDOM HAVE A MEETING?

ALL RIGHT, WHO'S TIRED OF BEINGFOOD AND CLOTHING, ANYBODY ELSE?

- COWS GET ON IT. - [LAUGHTER]

- "MOO!" - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THINGS ARE SO SCREWED UP.

WE'RE ACCEPTING STUFF THAT WE SHOULDN'T ACCEPT. DID YOU GUYS HEAR THIS?

THE ANTIDEPRESSANT PAXIL CAUSES SUICIDE IN A LOT OF PEOPLE.

- [LAUGHTER]- LET ME SAY THAT [BLEEP] AGAIN.

THE ANTIDEPRESSANT PAXIL CAUSES SUICIDE.

SO, IF YOU'RE DEPRESSEDAND YOU TAKE A PAXIL,

YOU'RE GONNA FEEL A LOT BETTER AND THEN BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT.

BUT THE SUICIDE NOTE WILL BE INSPIRING.

AND THEY GAVE HERANOTHER TELEVISION SHOW.

WHAT'S NEXT,THE SCOTT PETERSON FISHING HOUR?

[LAUGHTER, OH'S AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

END OF THE WORLD.THE HUSBAND'S AND WIVESKILLING EACH OTHER?

MY GOD, IT'S HAPPENING ALL THE TIME.

AND I GET IT. WE'VE ALL BEEN INLONG-TERM RELATIONSHIPS.

AND WE'VE ALL THOUGHT ABOUT KILLING THE OTHER PERSON.

JUST FOR A SECOND HE WAS ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF YOU

AND YOU WERE LIKE, "AWWW! AWWW!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NO, I'M FINE, GO AHEAD."

I KNOW ME.MY WIFE'S THOUGHT ABOUTKILLING ME A LOT.

BUT SHE ALWAYSTURNS THE CAR AROUND AND

TAKES THE SHOVELS AND PLASTIC SHEETING BACK TO HOME DEPOT.

WHO AMONGST US CAN SAY THEY HAVE NOT BOUGHT THE CONCRETE TO WEIGH DOWN THE BODY? WHO?

BUT YOU DIDN'T USE IT. YOU WENT HOME, YOU CALMED DOWN.

- YOU FIXED THE DRIVEWAY. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND HERE'S WHY I BRING IT UP 'CAUSE THE VIPER MEDIA JUST

GRABS ONTO ANYTHING THAT'S STUPID AND THEY JUST

BEAT US TO DEATH WITH IT. AND THE THING IS YOU'RE JUST

WATCHING TV BUT YOUR KIDS ARE SITTING THERE WITH YOU, YOUR NIECES AND NEPHEWS.

AND AT THE END OF THE PETERSON TRIAL,

MY DAUGHTER TURNS TO ME AND SHE GOES,

"DADDY, ARE YOU GONNA KILL MOMMY?" I SAID, "HONEY,

- THAT'S UP TO MOMMY, ISN'T IT?" - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND EVERY TIME THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING STUPID.

THE TERRY SCHIAVO THING WAS NUTS AND IT WAS ON TV

FOR 14 YEARS OR WHATEVER HOW LONG.

AND MY DAUGHTER TURNS TO ME IN THE MIDDLE OF IT AND SHE GOES,

"DADDY, WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS WOMAN?"

"WELL, HONEY, SHE'S BRAIN DEAD.HER BRAIN DOESN'T WORK ANYMORE."

"YOU MEAN LIKE UNCLE RUDY?"NO, UNCLE RUDY'S ON THORAZINE...

AND PAXIL...

AND MARIJUANA AND MERLOT."

I'M SO GLAD OUR GOVERNMENT HAS FINALLY DECIDED TO GET

DIRECTLY INVOLVEDIN OUR FAMILY BUSINESS.

AND THE TERRY SCHIAVO THING PISSED ME OFF 'CAUSE IT WAS

PREDICATED ON ONE THING, THERE WASN'T ENOUGH WITNESSES

TO WHAT TERRY WANTED.

SO, AS MY 300 WITNESSES TONIGHT, LET'S BE VERY CLEAR.

IF I AM EVER BRAIN DEAD, KILL TITUS.

IF I CANNOT CONTROL THE FLUIDS SPEWING OUT OF MY OWN ORIFICES,

PLEASE KILL TITUS.IF I'M NOT AWARE ENOUGH

TO PICK WHICH DIAPERS I WOULD LIKE TO BE CHANGED INTO

FOR GOD'S SAKES KILL TITUS, UNLESS, I'M REALLY FUNNY.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HONESTLY, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IF I'M LYING THERE...

[GOOFY NOISES]

AND YOU GUYS ENJOY THATGOD BLESS YOU.

FILM A MOVIE, DRESS ME AS A VIKING, I DON'T CARE.

AND YOU KNOW WHY I DON'T CARE, 'CAUSE I'M BRAIN DEAD!

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEN WHEN YOU'RE DONE LAUGHING AT ME, KILL TITUS.

AND DON'T LET ME DIE SLOW AND HORRIBLE

BY PULLING MY FEEDING TUBE.I WANT YOU GUYS

TO DUCT-TAPE MY ASS TO A MOTORCYCLE AND LET'S BREAK

EVEL KNIEVEL'S JUMP RECORD. THAT'S RIGHT.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

I WANT TO GO OUT BIG. I WANNA BE BRAIN DEAD

OVER THE SNAKE RIVER CANYON. RING, RING, ARR, RARR, RARR!

[LAUGHTER]

AND PLEASE FILM IT SO MY FAMILYCAN MAKE SOME MONEY OFF THE DVD.

WHICH I WOULD LIKE TO BE CALLED KILL TITUS,

"WITH 30-MINUTES OF BONUS FOOTAGE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MADE YOU GIGGLE LIKE A GIRL, DUDE.

OUR GOVERNMENT WENT BACKTO WORK ON EASTER SUNDAY

TO DEAL WITH THE TERRI SCHIAVO DEBACLE?

WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR GOVERNMENT?

AND OUR PRESIDENT BY THE WAY, LIKE HIM OR HATE HIM

YOU HAVE TO ADMIT, PRESIDENT BUSH HAS HAD

THE TOUGHEST PRESIDENCYSINCE LINCOLN.

THIS MAN HAS GOT TOOPEN THE PAPER EVERYDAYAND JUST GO, [BLEEP!]

[LAUGHTER]

- AHHH!" - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND NOW WE'RE SPENDING $400 BILLION ON A WAR TO HELP IRAQ

AND THE IRAQIS SEEM SO APPRECIATIVE, DON'T THEY?

HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT TO KIDS?WELL, HONEY, IN SOME CULTURES

BLOWING UP INNOCENT PEOPLE WITH A PINTO MEANS"THANKS FOR THE FREEDOM."

FOUR HUNDRED BILLION, WE HUNG ONE GUY.

CAN WE JUST SEND SADDAM A MAD COW BURGER AND A PAXIL

AND BEEN DONE WITH IT AND LIKE OWED THREE?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

FOUR HUNDRED BILLION, WE NEED TO SPEND THAT MONEY HERE.

EXCEPT YOU CAN'T TRUST ANYBODY HERE, EITHER.

TWO WEEKS AGO IN L.A. AT A STOP SIGN I WAS ASKED

FOR A DOLLAR BY A HOMELESS 22 YEAR-OLD VIETNAM VETERAN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, MAN, HERE'S A BUCK.

I KNOW DANANG WAS WHACK." AND THEN HE SKATEBOARDED OFF.

IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD.

THAT WHEN YOU HAVE KIDS,

THAT YOU'RE GONNA TEACH YOUR KIDS STUFF WE NEVER HAD TO LEARN.

DON'T OPEN THE MAIL, IT COULD HAVE ANTHRAX.

AND DON'T TALK TO THE MAILMAN, 'CAUSE HE NEEDS XANAX.

AND DON'T GO INTO ANY BUILDINGOVER FOUR STORIES

BECAUSE SOME IDIOT NAME [NOISE] MIGHT CRASH A 747 INTO IT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND MY DAUGHTER'S FIVE NOW. SHE'S ASKING ME QUESTIONS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL HER. "HONEY, I DON'T KNOW.

"I DON'T KNOW WHY TUPAC'S BEEN DEAD 10 YEARS,

STILL PUTTING OUT BETTER ALBUMSTHAN JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT, WHAT, WHY IS THERE WAR? YOU KNOW, A YEAR AGO,

YOU WERE EATING YOUR OWN POOP, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

OKAY, THIS WAR RIGHT HERE, THIS WAR IS BECAUSE WE PROVED

THAT THERE WAS WEAPONS OF MASS DE-STRU...

OKAY, THIS WAR IS 'CAUSE WE PROVED THAT THE SADDAM

WAS DIRECTLY CONNECTED TO 9-ELE...

WELL, AT LEAST THE WAR ONLY LASTED SIX MON...

COME HERE.

GAS BETTER GET CHEAP PRETTY F-ING FAST.

YOU GUYS GET THAT, RIGHT, OUR PRESIDENT IS A TEXAS OILMAN

AND WE'RE PAYING $3 A GALLON,WE'RE [BLEEP] RETARDED.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

I'M SORRY.

AND MY DAUGHTER'S TOO SMART. SHE GETS IT.

SHE'S FIVE. SHE GETS IT.I HAVE A SMART KID.

I DON'T WANT A SMART KID. I'M GONNA START FEEDING HER

LEAD PAINT CHIPSJUST TO BRING HER DOWN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THIS COUNTRY HASN'T GOTTEN BETTER ECONOMICALLY OR TECHNOLOGICALLY

UNLESS WE WEREKICKING SOMEBODY'S ASS.AND YOU KNOW WHAT,

IT'S MADE US THE STRONGEST DAMN COUNTRY ON THE PLANET EARTH!

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - YEAH! YEAH!

BUT, IT'S ALSO CAUSEDSOME INTERNAL PROBLEMS.

'CAUSE SOME OF THOSE PEOPLE WE JACKED UP...

- LIVE HERE NOW. - [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

AND 'CAUSE I GOT THESE TWO KIDS, I'M TRYING TO MAKE

THE WORLD BETTER, I'M TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT. HOW DO WE MAKE IT BETTER?

AND I CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW COME WE'RE ALL THE SAME BIOLOGICALLY,

NONE OF US CAN GET ALONG. I START OUT BASIC.

I TRIED TO FIGURE OUT WHY WHITE PEOPLE AND BLACK PEOPLE

DON'T GET ALONG SOMETIMES, TURNS OUT THE PROBLEM IS

OH-HO, THOSE [BLEEP] WHITE PEOPLE, MAN.

I READ SOME BOOKS MAN,WE CAN BE [BLEEP], MAN.

WOW. NAH, WE NEED MEETINGS LIKEWHITIE-ANNON, OR SOMETHING, MAN.

'CAUSE I READ A THOUSAND YEARS OF HISTORY AND FRANKLY,

I'M ASHAMED TO CALL MYSELF A PECKER-WOOD.

I DON'T TELL PEOPLE I'M WHITE ANYMORE.

- I'M ALBINO CAMBODIAN. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I HEAR THIS A LOT, ESPECIALLY IN CALIFORNIA,

"THERE'S NO RACISM ANYMORE." [LAUGHS] REALLY? OKAY.

THEN LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION, WHITE PEOPLE AND BLACK PEOPLE.

IF YOU'RE TELLING A JOKEAND THE GROUP OF PEOPLE

YOU'RE TELLING THE JOKE TO ARE THE EXACT SAME COLOR AS YOU,

YOU JUST LET THAT JOKE FLY, NO MATTER WHAT IT IS, RIGHT?

BUT IF ONE PERSON IN THAT GROUP HAPPENS TO BE A...

A PHOTO NEGATIVE OF THE REST OF YOU,

YOU GOTTA RUN THAT JOKE THROUGH SOME FILTERS, DON'T YA?

AM I GOING TO MAKE THEM MAD FILTER?

AM I GOING TO GET PUNCHED IN THE FACE FILTER?

IS THAT GUY HOLDING A GLOCK NINE FILTER?

WHITE PEOPLE LISTEN UP.I FOUND THIS IN MY STUDIES.

THERE AREWHITE PEOPLE JOKES.I KNOW.

[LAUGHTER]

AND LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,THESE JOKES ARE HARSH.

I KNOW THAT 'CAUSENONE OF MY BLACK FRIENDSWILL TELL ME ANY OF 'EM.

AND I HAVE ASKED.COME ON JUST GIVE ME ONE.

NAH, MAN, YOU DON'TWANT TO HEAR IT, REALLY.

I SIGNED THE WAIVER. LEGALLYI CAN'T TELL YOU THE JOKE.

YOU KNOW WHY THOSE JOKESARE SO HARSH AND SO FUNNY?

'CAUSE THEY HAD 400 YEARSTO WRITE THOSE JOKES.

AND HERE'STHE PROBLEM RIGHT NOW,

THE PROBLEM WE HAVE WITHBLACK PEOPLE RIGHT NOW ANDIT'S ON WHITE'S PEOPLE SIDE,

EVERY WHITE PERSONIN OUR COUNTRY KNOWS WHATOUR ANCESTORS DID.

WE KNOW HOW WRONG, HORRIBLE,VICIOUS AND BRUTAL IT WAS

AND THE THING IS WHAT HAPPENEDIS JUST SO OUTRAGEOUS,

FRANKLY, NONE OF US KNOWWHAT TO SAY ABOUT IT, MAN.

HOW DO YOU APOLOGIZE FOR A400-YEAR FAUX PAS LIKE THAT?

OOPS. "MY BAD"JUST DOESN'T COVER IT.

MY BLACK FRIENDSBRING UP SLAVERY.

I CAN'T EVEN TALK, MAN.I'M LIKE, OH, OH, OH, OH!

[STAMMERING,BLOWING RASPBERRIES]

- [STAMMERING CONTINUES]- [LAUGHTER]

YOU GUYS KNOWI WASN'T THERE, RIGHT?

COME ON LET'S GOSHOOT SOME HOOP.

NOT THAT YOU'REPRE-DISPOSED TO SHOOT HOOP.

OH, GOD, DON'T BEAT ME UP.PLEASE, DON'T BEAT ME UP.

A LOT OF WHITE PEOPLE ARE AFRAIDTHEY'RE GONNA HAVE TO WRITE

A REALLY BIG CHECK, TOO.BUT I DID SOME RESEARCH.

I FOUND MANY BLACK LEADERS HAVESAID THAT IN CAVEAT REPARATIONS

AS MUCH AS THEY WISH SOMEBODY,ANYBODY WOULD JUST STEP UP AND

MAKE A FORMAL APOLOGY.AND THAT'S FAIR, ISN'T IT?

AND I BELIEVE ONE MANCAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

THAT IF ONE MAN TOOK100 PERCENT RESPONSIBILITY,

- THE HEALING CAN START. GO.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DUDE, THERE'S SOME PEOPLERIGHT BEHIND YOU, MAN. COME ON.

PFLT! ALL RIGHT, WHITEY,I GOT IT.

[LAUGHTER]

GOOD EVENING, BLACK PEOPLE.FIRST OF ALL,

MAY I SAY YOU'RE RIGHT,YOU DO DANCE BETTER THAN US.

BUT ON THE OTHER HAND,I ALSO LOVE CHICKEN.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW THAT WE HAVE FOUNDSOME COMMON GROUND MAY I SAY,

I APOLOGIZE.SLAVERY WAS ALL MY FAULT.STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!

I THOUGHT IT WASGONNA BE A FUN TRIP.

WE'RE GOING TO AFRICA.WOO-WHO!

BUT ALL WE BROUGHTWAS BEER AND NO WOMEN.SO WHEN WE GOT THERE,

WE WERE JUSTHUNG OVER AND PISSED OFF.

AND THEN ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE.I APOLOGIZE.

WE SHOULD'VE JUSTBROUGHT BACK PLANTS.

BUT WE HAD THISCOUNTRY TO BUILD.

AND WE NEEDED SOME PEOPLE.

WE COULD'VE USEDTHE INDIANS TO HELP US.

BUT, BUT WE KILLED THEM.

[LAUGHTER]

- TO THE INDIAN PEOPLE...- [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

- I ALSO LOVE WHISKEY...- [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

- AND HATE TRASH ON THE FREEWAY.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE'RE COMING UP FROM ENGLAND. WE GOT OUR OWN RELIGION.

WE'RE GOING TO THIS NEW COUNTRYAND THERE'S NOBODY THERE.

WHO THE [BLEEP]IS STANDING ON THE BEACH

WITH THE FEATHERS IN HIS HAIR? HOLD UP, HOLD UP, HOLD UP.

HE'S WEARING A LOINCLOTH,SMOKING A PIPE.

HE'S PROBABLY HIGH. NO. LET HIM KEEP SMOKING 'CAUSE THEN HE WON'T CARE

IF WE TAKE HIS WHOLE COUNTRY, IDIOT.

SORRY. INDIANS,WE DIDN'T MEAN FOR IT TOGO DOWN THE WAY IT DID.

FOR US, IT WAS LIKE GOING TO A PARTY IN HIGH SCHOOL

AT SOMEONE'S HOUSE AND THEIR PARENTS WERE OUT OF TOWN.

WE DIDN'T MEAN TO TRASH THE PLACE.

BUT THE FOOTBALL TEAMWAS DOING CRYSTAL METH.

AND INDIANS, I PROMISE TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU

BY AT LEAST ONCE A YEAR, LOSING A THOUSAND DOLLARS IN YOUR LOVELY CASINOS.

HUH? YES. WE COULD ALL DO OUR PART.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND INDIANS, WHY DID WE TAKE YOUR WHOLE COUNTRY? MY GOD, WE TOOK EVERYTHING.

WE COULD HAVE AT LEAST LEFT YOU TEXAS.

I MEAN, HELL, WE CLEANED OUTALL THE MEXICANS.

[SILENCE, LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

- [SPEAKING SPANISH] - [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

- MUY...APOLODISO? - [LAUGHTER]

I DON'T KNOW WHY THE HELL WE'RE FIGHTING SO HARD

FOR TEXAS FOR ANYWAY. ANYONE HERE BEEN TO TEXAS?

TEXAS IS A HELLHOLE, MAN. DIRT, CACTUS, LIZARDS,

DIRT, CACTUS, THE BUSH FAMILY, DIRT, CACTUS, LIZARDS.

I MEAN, COME ON. HEY, HEY.

IT'S NOT LIKE WE WERE FIGHTING FOR COLORADO.

HA, HA, HA! AGAIN, INDIANS, REALLY SORRY ABOUT COLORADO.

OKAY, I WANT TO KNOW. WHO ELSE, TO THE JAPANESE,

YOU KNOW ABOUT THE A-BOMB IN THE INTERNMENT CAMPS?

[BLEEP] THAT, YOU GUYS STARTED THAT, MAN.

HEY, HEY, WE WERE CHILLIN' IN HAWAII AND ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE!

I WILL ADMIT I OVERREACTED.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT LOOK AT YOU NOW, HUH, WITH THE PLASMA TV

AND THE TOYOTA PRIUS,HUH? HUH? HUH?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I THINK SOMEBODY DESERVES A THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO, TO EVERY RACE OF PEOPLE IN HERE TONIGHT THAT WHITEY HAS JACKED UP,

I SINCERELY APOLOGIZE FOR TAKING YOUR LAND,

FOR THE ABUSE, FOR THE TORTURE, FOR THE SMALL POX BLANKET,

FOR THE JIM CROW LAWS. BLACK PEOPLE,

- I APOLOGIZE FOR KRAMER. - [LAUGHTER, OH'S AND APPLAUSE]

IN FACT, WE'RE GONNACHANGE THE WORLD TONIGHT

FOR OUR KIDS AND THEIR KIDS.ON THREE, I WANT

EVERY WHITE PERSONIN THIS AUDIENCE TO SAY,

"I'M WHITEY AND I APOLOGIZE." ONE, TWO, THREE,

In Unison: I'M WHITEY AND I APOLOGIZE.

I'M GONNA CRY.THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL, MAN. THAT WAS GREAT.

WHEW! SEE? WE CRACKED THE DOOR A LITTLE BIT.

AND BY THE WAY,IF YOU'RE NOT WHITE,

YOU SHOULD PROBABLY ACCEPT OUR APOLOGY,

'CAUSE DID YOU SEE HOW FAST WE GOT ORGANIZED?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I KNOW.

MY LITTLE BOY, HE'S, I DON'T LIKE HIM MUCH YET.

- HE, AH-- - [LAUGHTER]

WELL, I MADE HIM SMILE A COUPLE TIMES.

BUT I'M FUNNIER THAN THAT.

AND IF I'M PAYING YOUR RENTAND FEEDING YOU,

I'M THE FUNNIEST SON OF A BITCH IN THAT HOUSE.

THIS HOW YOU WAKE UP, HA, HA-HA, HA-HA-HA!

OH, YOU'RE KILLING ME, DADDY. STOP IT. I CAN'T TAKE IT.

YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME PEE. OH, WAIT. I'VE ALREADY PEE'D.

- SORRY. IT'S OKAY. GO AHEAD. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NO, HE'S COOL. MY DAUGHTER'S FIVE AND IT'S COOL, MAN,

'CAUSE THEY'RE AT THAT AGE, TWO TO FIVE, IT'S MAGICAL,

EVERYTHING THEY HEAR, THEY SUCK IT IN, THEY SAY IT

EXACTLY HOW YOU SAID IT TO THEM.IT'S AMAZING. AND KIND OF LIKE

LIVING WITH A WITNESS FOR THE PROSECUTION, MAN,

'CAUSE WE HAD A LITTLE INCIDENT. OUR FIRST ONE HAPPENED WHEN

MY DAUGHTER WAS 18 MONTHS OLD. I HAD TO TAKE HER FOR THE DAY.

'CAUSE IT'D BEEN 18 MONTHS AND MY WIFE NEEDED TO "SHOWER."

[LAUGHTER]

SHE WAS GETTING KIND OF FUNKY LADY, I'LL ADMIT THAT.

SO I GOT THE KID IN THE CAR AND I'M BY MYSELF.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING. I'M JUST DRIVING.

AND WE HAD A LITTLE ROAD RAGEINCIDENT, NOT MY FAULT.

SHUT UP, LADY, YOU DON'T KNOW ME.

GUY CUT ME OFF. I CATCH UP. "ALL RIGHT, MAN, IT'S ON!"

AND FROM THE BACK SEAT, [HIGH-PITCH VOICE] "IT'S ON."

[LAUGHTER]

BUT NO REAL DAMAGE DONE, RIGHT? EXCEPT, I'M A NEW DAD.

I'M STILL MY OLD PUNKY SELF. I START CHASING HIM DOWN THE FREEWAY. "WHAT A [BLEEP]!

"WHAT A [HIGH-PITCH VOICE] [BLEEP].

[LAUGHTER]

NOW I GOT TO TAKE HER HOME TO HER MOTHER AND THERE'S NO

DUCT TAPE IN THE CAR. SO I WENT TO THE WALGREENS AND GOT SOME BENADRYL.

[LAUGHTER, OH'S AND APPLAUSE]

THE "SEVEN DOLLAR BABY-SITTER."

OH, MAN, I GOT HOME A COUPLE HOURS LATER,SHE WAS GREAT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE BITCHING ABOUT ALL THE TIME.SHE DIDN'T MAKE A NOISE.

WHY YOU WHISPERING? SHE'S NOT GONNA WAKEUP FOR A WHILE.

AND WHEN SHE DOES, SHE'S GONNA KNOW SOME NEW WORDS.

BUT SOME GOOD ONES, TOO,LIKE ADULT AND DOSAGE.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, SHE'S SO PRECIOUS WHEN SHE SLEEPS WITH

- HER EYES OPEN LIKE THAT. - [LAUGHTER, OH'S AND APPLAUSE]

THREE MONTHS LATER, MY WIFE ASKS ME TO TAKE HER OUT AGAIN

'CAUSE SHE NEEDS ANOTHER SHOWER.

HOW MANY SHOWERS DOES THIS WOMAN FREAKING NEED?

SO I GOT THE KID IN THE CAR AND WE'RE DRIVING AND WE HAVE

ANOTHER ROAD RAGE INCIDENT. NOT MY FAULT.

BUT I SEE A PATTERN.

GUY CUTS ME OFF, I SLAM ON THE BRAKES, YOU KNOW,

AND I SLAM AGAINST MY SEAT BELT.

SHE JAMS AGAINST HER 48-POINT HARNESS.

BUT I'M A GOOD DADDY. I LEARNED MY LESSON.

I DON'T DO ANYTHING. I JUST GO [INHALES, EXHALES]

FROM THE BACKSEAT, "SON OF A BITCH."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE'RE GONNA HAVE A LITTLE TALK WITH MOMMY WHEN WE GET HOME.

"IT'S ON." "THAT'S RIGHT. IT'S ON. HELL, YEAH.

HELL, YES IT'S ON. IT IS ON."

SHE'S COOL, MAN, BOTH MY KIDS, FIERCELY INDEPENDENT.

AT 13 MONTHS THEY DECIDED THEY COULD HANDLE THEIR OWN LIVES.

MAYBE 'CAUSE I'M THEIR DAD THEY'RE LIKE, DAD, I GOT IT.

MY BOY'S LIKE I DON'T NEED YOU TO FEED ME.GIVE ME THE FORK.

DINK, DINK, DINK, DINK, DINK!

THEN CHILD SERVICES COMES OVER I'M LIKE, "HE DID IT."

AND MY DAUGHTER, MAN, WHEN SHE HIT THREE YOU COULDN'T GET NEAR HER.

I TAKE OFF MY OWN CLOTHES. I TAKE OFF MY OWN CLOTHES.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OKAY, HON, BUT TAKING OFF A LONG SLEEVE TURTLENECK SWEATER

TO A 3 YEAR-OLD IS LIKE SPACE TRAVEL TO US BIG PEOPLE.

BUT HERE'S WHAT I LEARNED, LET THEM DO IT.

SO I JUST BACK UP, LET HER DO IT.

BUT I'M TIMING HER. TWENTY-TWO SECONDS IN,

SWEATER'S WRAPPED AROUND HER HEAD FOUR TIMES, RIGHT?

SHE GOT ONE EYE SHOWN BUT IT'S ROLLING BACK DUE TO LACK OF OXYGEN.

NOW THE SWEATER'S OVER HER FACE.

SHE CAN'T SEE SO SHE STARTS TO PANIC

AND STARTS RUNNING DOWN THE HALLWAY TO HER BEDROOM.

BUT SHE CAN'T SEE SO SHE'S JUST BOUNCING OFF THE WALLS AND FURNITURE

AND I REALLY WANT TO HELP HER.BUT I'M LAUGHING SO HARD

- I CAN BARELY STAND UP. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

FROM THE HOSPITAL,

I GET UP EVERY MORNING AND TRY TEACHING HER YOU KNOW,

GET HER IN FRONT OFTHE TV AND TALK TO HER.NEVER BABY TALK, TOO.

PARENTS WHO TALK BABY TALK TO THEIR KIDS CRACK ME UP.

'CAUSE YOU'RE TEACHING YOUR CHILD A LANGUAGE NOBODY KNOWS.

SO WHEN IT'S FIVE,YOU'LL GO, AW, HOW COMEYOU'RE KID'S RETARDED?

[LAUGHTER]

- I TAUGHT HIM THAT. - [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

SO EVERY MORNING WE'D WATCH CNN.

HEY, BABE, LOOK AT THAT, IT'S WOLF BLITZER. UH-HUH.

AND THAT'S A TOUPEE. OH, LOOK, LADY NEWSCASTER,

SHE'S BLACK, ASIAN, LATINO AND A WOMAN.

NOW, THAT'S BECAUSE CORPORATE AMERICA

DOESN'T SEEM TO LIKE TO HIRE A LOT OF MINORITIES.

SO, INSTEAD THEY TRY TO HIRE ALL THEIR MINORITIES IN ONE.

MAYBE ONE DAY, YOU CAN CHANGE THAT. REMEMBER THIS PHRASE,

"I'M WHITEY AND I APOLOGIZE."OH, LOOK, AND THERE'S A BICYCLE.

YEAH. AND THAT, THAT'S A TROLLEY CAR.

YEAH. AND THAT'S AN AIRPLANE. YOU SEE THE AIRPLANE?

AND THAT'S THE WORLD TRADE CENTER. AND...

HOLY [BLEEP].

SEPTEMBER 11th,MY KID WAS 16 DAYS OLD. AND THAT MORNING

I'D GOT UP, I LET MY WIFE SLEEP, 5:00AM ON THE WEST COAST

AND I'M FEEDING HER A BOTTLE WATCHING TV WITH HER.

NEW DAD, TV SHOWS ON THE AIR,NEW BABY. YES!

THE WORLD ROCKS AND THE TOWERS FELL.

AND THE FIRST THING WENT THROUGH MY HEAD WAS MY DAD'S VOICE.

WELL, YOU BROUGHT ANEW LIFE INTO THE WORLDAND THE WORLD'S OVER,

NICE TIMING NUMB NUTS. AND I FREAKED. I JUMPED UP.

I'M SORRY, HONEY.

IT'S THE WORST TIMEIN THE WORLD TO BE BORN.

I APOLOGIZE. EVERYTHING WAS COOL,

LIKE, TWO WEEKS AGO, I SWEAR TO GOD.

'CAUSE, LADIES, I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND SOMETHING

ABOUT 9-11 FOR US MEN. FIRST OF ALL,

IT SUCKED FOR EVERYBODY. BUT FOR MEN, LADIES,

WE PROTECT YOU. IT'S OUR JOB. WE CAN'T STOP IT.

BUT I HAVE NEVER MET A MAN THAT CAN GO

"747 COMING. HA, I GOT IT." AND I DON'T WANT TO DIMINISH

WHAT YOU LADIES DO. I KNOW PUSHING OUT BABIES IS HARD.

BUT ON SEPTEMBER 11th, I PANICKED AND TRIED

- TO PUT ONE BACK. - [LAUGHTER]

MUCH HARDER. MY WIFE WAS PISSED.

I DON'T KNOW. AND THESE COUNTRIES THAT HATE US,

FOR SOME REASON, THE MORE WE BOMB THEM, THE MORE THEY HATE US.

PFLT! THAT'S 'CAUSE THEY DON'T GET "IT."

I THINK WE NEED A NEW PLAN.

NEXT TIME A COUNTRY WANTS TO TAKE US ON,

INSTEAD OF SENDING BOMBS RIGHT AWAY,

LET'S SEND EVERYBODY IN THAT COUNTRY A COLOR TELEVISION

AND A SATELLITE DISH AND GIVE THEM THE BASIC PACKAGE,

- NOT HBO. SCREW THOSE PEOPLE. - [LAUGHTER]

AND BEFORE THE WAR STARTS, WE MAKE THEM SIT DOWN AND WATCH

ESPN2 FOR 24 HOURS. BECAUSE IF YOU WATCH ESPN2 FOR 24 HOURS,

YOU WILL UNDERSTAND AMERICA A LOT BETTER.

HI, WE'RE AMERICA. WE BUILD MONSTER TRUCKS FOR FUN.

WE'VE DEVELOPED THE TOP FUEL DRAGSTERS

ZERO TO 330 MILES AN HOUR IN UNDER FIVE SECONDS

'CAUSE WELL, WE WERE BORED.

PISS US OFF AND SEE WHAT WE BUILD. [SINISTER CHUCKLE]

AND WE MAY FEEL BAD ABOUT IT LATER, ASK JAPAN.

BUT BEFORE WE FEEL BAD,WE'RE GONNA JACK YOU UP.

AND THEN WE'RE GONNA SEND YOU FOOD.

'CAUSE WE'RE AMERICA. WE'RE SCHIZOPHRENIC.

DON'T MESS WITH A NATIONTHAT NEEDS MEDICATION.

YES. YES.

IS THAT THESE RICH WHITE MEN THAT STARTED IT DID NOT SEND THEIR KIDS.

THEY SENT YOUR KIDS AND YOUR FRIENDS.

THAT PISSES ME OFF. AND WHAT IS...?

[APPLAUSE]

AND WHAT IS BUSH TALKING OUT? WE HAVE TORTURE CENTERS?

REALLY, COMPARED TO WHO? THE GUYS THAT WE'RE FIGHTING

ARE CUTTING OFF PEOPLE'S HEADS WITH HACKSAWS, VIDEOTAPING IT,

AND SENDING THEVIDEOTAPE TO THE FAMILY.THEY CALL THAT JUSTICE?

THEY CALL IT TORTURE WHEN OUR GUYS PUT UNDERWEAR

ON A GUY'S HEAD,STRIP HIM NAKED,

PUT AN EGGBETWEEN HIS BUTT CHEEKS

AND MADE HIM DO JUMPING JACKS.

IF IT CAN'T GET YOU INTO A FRATERNITY AT

CHICO STATE UNIVERSITY,IT'S NOT TORTURE.

AND A BIG PYRAMID OF NAKED GUYS, YOU'RE JUST PLEDGING.

THE CORRECT RESPONSE IS, "SIR, MAY I HAVE ANOTHER?"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I MEAN, DUNKING A GUY'S HEAD IN A TOILET, THAT'S CALLED A SWIRLEE.

YOU HOOK SOME WIRES TO THAT TOILET.

- THAT'S AN ELECTRIC SWIRLEE. - [LAUGHTER]

AND NOT AS FUN AS IT SOUNDS, FRANKLY.

AND THAT CHICK THAT WAS POINTINGAT THE PENISES AND LAUGHING.

MAN, I USED TO DATE CHICKS LIKE THAT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

- QUIT LOOKING AT MY CROTCH. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I DID SOME SHOWS FOR THE TROOPS.I WENT TO IRAQ.

IT'S COOL, 'CAUSEI'VE NEVER FLOWN TO A GIG

IN AN APACHE HELICOPTER.MAN, THAT WAS COOL.

IN THE APACHE I'M LIKE THIS IS THE BADDEST [BLEEP] EVER.

AND THEN THERE'S COBRA HELICOPTERS ON EACH SIDE

AND GUN SHIPS WATCHING OVER US. I'M LIKE, YEAH!

AND THEN I THOUGHT,WOW, WE COULD GET SHOT.

I DON'T WANNA BE HERE ANYMORE.

I WANNA GO TO A SHOW I CAN SKATEBOARD TO.

AND THEN I WAS IN FALLUJAH AND THE BASE BLACKED OUT

AND IN THE SHOW WITH 350 MARINES,

THEY ALL GOT GUNS WITH THEM, LIKE, DURING THE SHOW,

SO IF THEY HECKLE, I'M JUST GONNA GO,

- YOU'RE RIGHT. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

GOOD POINT. MOVING ON. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SHOW

I'M LIKE, MID-JOKE, ALL OF A SUDDEN, BOOM!

AND THE BUILDING SHAKES AND NOBODY MOVES.

- THEY'RE, LIKE.- [LAUGHTER]

SO I JUST KEEP GOING. YOU KNOW I KEEP DOING MY JOKES.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, BOOM! [SOUND OF EXPLOSIONS]

- AND NOBODY MOVES. - [LAUGHTER]

UM, DID ANYBODY ELSE HEAR THAT?AND SOME GUY GOES

"DON'T WORRY, MAN, THAT'S OUTGOING."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[SHAKY VOICE] DOES THAT MEAN THERE'S GONNA BE INCOMING?

'CAUSE I'M GONNA NEEDONE OF THOSE METAL HATS.

FIRST ARMORED DIVISION.NOW, CHECK THIS OUT.

THE FIRST AD WAS IN IRAQ EARLY. THEY WERE THERE 12 MONTHS,

FOUR DAYS BEFORE THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO SHIP OUT,

THEY GOT TOLD THEY HAD TO STAY FOUR MORE MONTHS.

YEAH. THE ONLY THING I COULD COMPARE IT TO

IS I USED TO WORK ATKENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN.

- [LAUGHTER]- IS THAT FUNNY?

AND ONE NIGHT THEY ASKED ME TO STAY 30 MINUTES LATE...

ON A FRIDAY. I KNOW. I TORE UP MY PAPER HAT,

PUNCHED MY ASSISTANT MANAGER TRAINEE RIGHT IN THE FACE.

YEAH, YOU TELL THE COLONEL,HE CAN EAT ME.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO I'M OVER THERE GETTING READY FOR THE SHOW.

AND HERE'S WHAT I DIDN'T REALIZE.

I DIDN'T REALIZE HOW YOUNG THESE KIDS REALLY WERE, MAN.

'CAUSE I MET SOME OF THESE SOLDIERS AND IT WAS LIKE,

"ARE YOU GOING TO WAR TODAY? WHO'S GOING TO WAR TODAY?

"YES, YOU, YES, YOU ARE.

YOU GOT A NICE METAL HAT, DON'T YOU?"

SO, YOUNG KID'S, TOO YOUNG.

I'M WALKING AROUND GETTING READY.

AND THESE MPs WALK UP ON ME AND THEY WALK UP HARSH.

AND THEY'RE LIKE HUMAN TREES WITH BABY FACES. SO IT WAS LIKE, HAH!-- AW.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEY WALK UP SERIOUS.

"MR. TITUS, SIR, EXCUSE ME, MR. TITUS, SIR.

MR. TITUS, SIR, EXCUSE ME, MR. TITUS, SIR!"

[LAUGHTER]

"YOU CAN SAY IT ALL YOU WANT, I'M NOT DOING PUSHUPS."

- "VERY FUNNY, SIR!" - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SIR, OUR SERGEANT, SERGEANT PEPPER, IS A HUGE FAN.

WOULD YOU COME OVER AND MEET SERGEANT PEPPER, SIR?

[LAUGHTER]

"SERGEANT PEPPER. YEAH, THEN MAYBE YOU COULD

"INTRODUCE ME TO COLONEL CHICKEN, YEAH.

I TOLD HIM TO EAT ME A WHILE BACK."

- "AGAIN, SIR, HILARIOUS! - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SIR, PLEASE COME WITH ME AND MEET SERGEANT PEPPER."

"FINE. LET'SGO MEET SERGEANT PEPPER'CAUSE I AM THE WALRUS."

SO WE STARTWALKING ACROSS THE BASE.

AND HERE'S WHERE IT GETS WEIRD

'CAUSE THESE GUYS AREN'T JUST HANGING WITH ME.

THERE'S TWO GUYS IN FRONT ME, TWO GUYS IN BEHIND ME

AND THEY'RE JUST WALKING IN LOCK STEP.

I'M LIKE, WHAT THE HELL? WHAT DID I SAY?

'CAUSE TWO THEM ARE GREEN BERETS, MAN,

AND THEY COULD KILL ME WITH A NAPKIN.

YOU KNOW I-- AND WEDON'T STOP FOR ANYTHING.

WE JUST HAUL ASS AND I'M LIKE, "WHAT IS GOING ON?"

AND I FINALLY SEE WHY 'CAUSE I SEE SERGEANT PEPPER.

AND SERGEANT PEPPER'S BIGGER THAN ALL THESE GUYS

AND HE'S GOT A BIG MUG OF BEER IN HIS HAND.

'CAUSE WE'RE IN GERMANYAND THAT'S WHAT THEY DO.

EXCEPT SERGEANT PEPPER IS IN A WHEELCHAIR.

AND HE'S GOT THE TOP OF HIS ARM BLOWN OFF

AND BOTH OF HIS EYES GOT BLOWN OUT IN IRAQ

AND SITTING NEXT TO THE WHEELCHAIR

IS SERGEANT PEPPER'S PREGNANT WIFE.

AND ONE OF THE GUYS GOES, "SERGEANT PEPPER,

"COMEDIAN CHRISTOPHER TITUS STANDING RIGHT HERE.

- HE SEEMS TO BE HILARIOUS!" - [LAUGHTER]

AND SERGEANT PEPPER TURNS AND GOES,

"TITUS, DUDE, YOUR SHOW ROCKED.

"AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW, ME AND MY GUYS APPRECIATE YOU

"COMING ALL THE WAY OVER HERE AND PERFORMING FOR US.

"I CANNOT TELL YOU WHAT IT MEANS TO US.

THANK YOU." "AH, UM--

YOU'RE WELCOME." AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

AND I'M PRETTY GOOD AT FINDING FUNNY IN A DARK PLACE.

I HAVE NO FEAR OF THAT.BUT I HAD NOTHING, MAN.

I'M JUST A DOUCHE.I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

AND IT'S JUST THIS WEIRD SILENCE.

AND THEN ONE OF THE GUYS SAVED ME.

"SERGEANT PEPPER,WOULD YOU LIKE A PICTUREOF YOU AND MR. TITUS?"

AND SERGEANT PEPPERTURNS HIS HEAD AND GOES,

"WHO THE HELL'S THE PICTURE FOR?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND DUDE, I'M ON THE FLOOR ROLLING ON THE GROUND LAUGHING.

AND THE DUDE WAS MAKING FUN OF HIMSELF AND AFTER ALL THIS STUFF,

AND MY FIRST THOUGHT WAS, MY GOD,

IS THAT WHO WE SENT OVER THERE? IS THAT THE KIND OF

HEART AND CHARACTER THESE KIDS HAVE?

'CAUSE IF THAT'S THE CASE, WORLD'S NOT COMING TO AN END

RIGHT NOW. AND I HAD SOME HOPE. AND I WENT HOME

AND I LET MY WIFE GIVE BIRTH TO OUR FIRST CHILD

- FOR THE SECOND TIME. - [LAUGHTER]

AND I STARTED WATCHING CNN WITH HER AGAIN.

HEY, BABY, LOOK,IT'S CNN AGAIN.

LOOK AT THAT. YEAH. YEAH. LOOK AT THAT. IT'S A PARK.

AND THERE'S A WHITE GUY AND A BLACK GUY AND AN ASIAN GUY

AND A LATINO GUY AND, OKAY THAT GUY, HE'S CANADIAN.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT HIM.

THEY NEVER AFFECT THE WORLD MUCH AT ALL.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT YOU SEE WHAT THEY'RE DOING? THAT'S CALLED PRAYING.

AND THEY'RE DOING IT FOR EACH OTHER.

YOU'RE DADDY'S NEVER SEEN THISIN HIS LIFETIME.

MAYBE I WAS WRONG.

MAYBE THIS IS THE BEST TIME TO BE BORN.

'CAUSE THAT RIGHT THERE,THAT'S WHAT IT MEANS

TO BE AN AMERICAN. AND THEY'RE PRAYING FOR PEACE.

AND IF WE CAN'T HAVE PEACE, THEN WE DESTROY THE PEOPLE

WHO SCREWED UP THE PEACE SO WE CAN HAVE SOME DAMN PEACE.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M GONNA TEACH YOU HOW TO PRAY. WE'RE GONNA GO TO CHURCH.

OH, WAIT. WE CAN'T. YOU MIGHT GET FONDLED.

[LAUGHTER, OH'S AND APPLAUSE]

NO, YOU'RE A GIRL. YOU'RE SAFE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

GUY'S SUPPOSED TO LEAD US TO GLORY,

DOING IT WITH THEIR HANDS ON LITTLE KIDS' PANTS,

WHAT IS UP? ONE PRIEST IN BOSTON, ONE DUDE, MESSED WITH

OVER A HUNDRED KIDS. A HUNDRED KIDS.

YO, FATHER GROPEY IT'S NOT AN OLYMPIC EVENT. HOW SICK IS THAT DUDE?

HE'S UP THERE ON SUNDAY PREACHING, LOOKING OUT. OOH, HIS VESTING'S ARE TIGHT

AND HE'S SWINGING THATSMOKY THING, SHAKING IT.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE SMOKY THING IS CALLED.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

DON'T YOU THINK IF YOU'RE JONESING FOR A BOY SCOUT

OR YOU HAVE AN ALTER BOY MONKEY ON YOUR BACK,

YOU SHOULD FIND A WAY TO STOP, MAN.

GO TO THE HOME DEPOT, GET A SLEDGEHAMMER.

[POUNDING SOUND]KILL THE URGE.

I FEEL BAD FOR THESE PRIESTS. YOU KNOW WHAT I WISH THEY HAD?

I WISH THEY HAD OH-- HA-HA! I WISH THEY HAD LIKE,

LIKE A GOD TO PRAY TO FOR GUIDANCE.

OR MAYBE LIKE A BOOK WITH SOME RULES IN IT

- THEY CAN READ.- [LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND DON'T MISUNDERSTAND ME. I BELIEVE IN GOD.

I LOOK AT MY TWO KIDS AND I KNOW THERE'S SOMETHING.

I WAS MARRIED 15 YEARS. GOD EXISTS.

[LAUGHTER]

I SURVIVED THREE YEARS ON THE FOX NETWORK.

- THERE IS A GOD.- [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

BUT I DON'T TRUST THE CHURCH ANYMORE AND THAT'S SAD

'CAUSE THEY'VE DONE GOOD WORK IN THE PAST.

THEY FED THE HUNGRY. THEY'VE HELPED THE HOMELESS.

WHEN IT COMES TO RAPING LITTLE KIDS, THEY DROPPED THE BALL.

HOW DO WE HELP THE CHURCH GET THEIR RESPECT BACK?

- I HAVE A PLAN:- [LAUGHTER]

PEDOPHILE CRUCIFIXIONS.

HEY, HEY. IT'S THEIR IDEA.

WE'RE JUST GOING OLD SCHOOL.

- BC, DOG. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. YOU WALK IN ON SUNDAY.

ONE OF THOSE BAD PRIESTS IS NAILED UP THERE,

IT'S GONNA CHANGE YOUR OPINIONABOUT THE CHURCH.

HOLY [BLEEP!] GOD DA-- WOW!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OH, I'M WEARING A TIE NEXT WEEK. 'CAUSE IT COMES DOWN

TO WHAT MY FATHER SAID,STEP UP OR STEP ASIDE.

THE ONE THING THE CHURCH HASN'T DONE

IS STEP UP AND DEAL WITH PROBLEM

OR STEP ASIDE LET THE AUTHORITIES DO IT.

AND IF THEY DID AND GOT SERIOUS AND ALL OF US KNEW THAT

THE SECOND SOMEONE LAID A HAND ON A KID WRONG,

THAT GUY WAS GONE, YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD HAPPEN?

CHURCH WOULD BE FULL TO THE RAFTERS AGAIN.

PIUS MEN OF GOD WOULD SHOW UP TO BE PRIESTS AGAIN, GREAT MEN.

MEN WITH LIGHT COMING OFF OF THEM.

SO WHEN YOU WENT OUT ON SUNDAY THERE WOULD BE A GREAT MAN

OF GOD IN FRONT OF YOU, ONE OF THOSE OLD SCHOOL GUYS,

[IRISH ACCENT] "OH, GOOD MORNING EVERYONE,

"HAPPY SUNDAY. HOW ARE YOU FEELING TODAY?

"FIRST OF ALL, I'D LIKE TO THANK THE TERRELLI BROTHERS

"FOR TAKING DOWN THE LIFE SIZE JESUS AND NAILING UP

"FATHER FINNIGAN HERE.I KNOW. I KNOW. SHUT UP!

"QUIT YOUR SCREAMING. IF IT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR JESUS, IT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.

"NOW, TODAY, WE'RE GONNALEARN ABOUT RETRIBUTION.

"OH, AND WE'RE GONNA SING SOME SONGS.

"I WANT YOU TO THINK OF IT AS A CRUCIFIXION KARAOKE.

"SHUT UP! TAKE IT LIKE A MAN!OH, I'M SORRY, GREGORY,

"I KNOW THAT'S WHAT HE SAID TO YOU. DON'T CRY.

[LAUGHTER AND OH'S]

"OH, DON'T BE OH'ING MEIN ME OWN CHURCH, OKAY?

"I'M HANDLING IT, AREN'T I?

"AND GREGORY, WIPE THE TEARS FROM YOUR EYES,

"COME ON, DO WHAT JESUS WOULD DO, COWBOY UP.

"NOW, FIRST OF ALL, I'D LIKE ALL THE CHILDREN

"THIS BASTARD MESSED WITH TO PLEASE STEP FORWARD,

"ALL OF YOU, WHOLE CHEESE AND CRACKERS. OKAY.

"WELL, I HOPE SATANLOVES RIPPING THE FLESHFROM YOUR BONES AND

"FEEDING IT TO THE WHORE HOUNDS OF HELL,

"YOU MAGGOT! AND THAT REMINDS ME,

"DON'T FORGET ABOUT THE BAKE SALE ON WEDNESDAY.

"NOW I'D LIKEALL THE CHILDRENTO PLEASE FORM

"A SINGLE FILE LINE BECAUSE, WELL, I'VE ONLY BROUGHT

- ONE NAIL GUN.- [LAUGHTER]

"I WASN'TEXPECTING THE OVERFLOW.

"AND GREGORY, YOU'RE FIRST. COME HERE, BOY. YOU'RE FIRST.

"LET HIM THROUGH. THERE YOU GO, BOY.

"COME HERE. THE TRIGGER'S RIGHT HERE.

"WHAT? OF COURSE YOU CAN SHOOT HIM WHEREVER YOU'D LIKE.

"NO, DON'T YOU BE UPSET. THIS IS JUST YOU NAILING HIM.

- COME ON." - [LAUGHTER AND OH'S]

NOW, IF I HAVE ANGERED OR OFFENDED ANYBODY

WITH THAT PIECE OF MATERIAL, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS GIVE ME

THE PRO-RAPING LITTLE KIDS SIDE OF THE ARGUMENT.

[LAUGHTER]

MY WIFE TOLD HIM SHE WAS PREGNANT WITH OUR DAUGHTER.

YEAH, NICE TIMING, NUMB NUTS.

DAD, WHAT DID YOU SAY MY WHOLE LIFE, HUH?

YOU BETTER NOT HAVE A KID.YOU'RE A RETARD.

YOU'LL PROBABLY KILL IT.

REMEMBER WHEN YOU DIDN'T FEED THE DOG WHEN YOU WERE SEVEN?

THAT'S GONNA HAPPEN TO YOUR KID.

YOU'RE GONNA NEED GRANDPA AROUND TO RAISE THAT KID.

TURNING THAT KID INTO AN ADULT,ISN'T THAT RIGHT?

AND WHAT HAPPENED, HUH? WHAT ELSE DID YOU STUFF UP

MY ASS MY WHOLE LIFE, HUH? STEP UP OR STEP ASIDE, RIGHT?

STEP UP OR STEP ASIDE.AND WHAT HAPPENED, HUH?

WORLD'S COMING APART, I GOT TWO LITTLE KIDS

AND YOU'RE NOT HERE. YOU STEPPED ASIDE.

THAT MEANS I GOT TO STEP...UP.

- OH...FUNNY. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND WHISTLES]

OKAY SMART-ASS.KENNY, COME HERE

GRANDPA WANTS ME TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

COME HERE, LITTLE ONE. COME HERE, BABE. COME HERE.

LISTEN, UM, LOOK,I'M JUST YOUR DAD, OKAY.I'M NOT A SUPERHERO.

AND I CAN'T STOP SOME IDIOT FROM CRASHING AN AIRPLANE

INTO A BUILDING OR BLOWING UP A BUS.

I CAN ONLY BE YOUR DAD AND GIVE YOU A FEW PURE TRUTHS.

NUMBER ONE, DUCT TAPE WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE.

NUMBER TWO...

- TUPAC IS ALIVE. - [LAUGHTER]

BUT I NEED YOU TO KEEP THAT ON THE DL BECAUSE OF SUGE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND NUMBER THREE, AND THIS ISTHE MOST IMPORTANT ONE,

DON'T BE AFRAID OF ANYTHING EXCEPT FOR THE TELEVISION NEWS

'CAUSE THEY'RE LYING TO YOU EVERY NIGHT.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

AND DON'T BE AFRAID OF FAILURE. BE LIKE YOUR FATHER.

I DON'T FAIL. I SUCCEED AT FINDING WHAT DOESN'T WORK.

[LAUGHTER]

AND BABY, DON'T BE AFRAID THE WORLD'S GONNA COME TO AN END.

IT CAN'T,'CAUSE YOU ARE HERE NOW.

AND I PROMISE, I'M GONNA GET UP EVERYDAY

AND I'M GONNA FIGHT TO MAKE SURE YOU HAVE

AS MANY BIRTHDAYS AS YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE

BUT I'M GONNA NEED YOU TO GET UP TO FIGHT WITH ME, OKAY?

- OKAY, DADDY, IT'S ON. - [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

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