Barry Sobel & The Higgins Boys & Gruber

  • Season 1, Ep 0130
  • 02/24/1992

AND EVERYBODY IS MARRIED ANDHAS KIDS, BECAUSE I'M IN MY 40s

AND THEY'RE ALL, YOU KNOW THEYHAVE ( feigns sob ) FAMILIES

BUT, HEY, I'M SINGLE, SO WHAT?

UM, YOU KNOW, WHY NOT?

THERE ARE A LOTOF PEOPLE OUT THERE.

ARE YOU WATCHING?

WE'RE ALONE.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITHBEING SINGLE, ALTHOUGH...

RIGHT? WHEN YOU'RE ALONE

YOU PUT YOUR TEA BAG IN ALONEAT MIDNIGHT, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

BUT YOU GOT TO FINDTHE RIGHT PERSON.

I WAS WITH THE WRONG ONE...

HEY, PUT THAT DOWN,PUT THAT HOWITZER DOWN.

I'M NOT KIDDING.

UM... I WAS WITHTHE WRONG WOMAN LAST WEEK

AND LOOK, YOU SHOULD KNOW.

YOU SHOULD KNOW IMMEDIATELY,LIKE DURING FOREPLAY.

NOT EVEN-- BEFORE.

OH, I'M OPENING THE DOORTO MY HOUSE

SHE SAYS, "I SMELL A RAT."

THAT'S A MISTAKE,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN,IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN--

"I SMELL A RAT"--YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THEN WE JUST, UH...I DON'T KNOW, WE GET INTO BED

AND SHE SAYS, "YOU'RE NOT GOINGTO USE YOUR PENIS, ARE YOU?"

"I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE THERE'S A PUPPETEERDOWN THE BLOCK I CAN..."

( laughter )

SHE DIDN'T WANT ME,IT WAS OBVIOUS.

I SAID, "WHAT POSITIONS?"

I HAVE TRICK KNEES,SO I'M LIMITED.

BUT SHE DIDN'TWANT TO MAKE LOVE.

SHE SAID, "I WANT US TO BOTH BEON TOP," WHICH OBVIOUSLY...

I THOUGHT THAT WAS PRETTY HIP,ACTUALLY, ON HER END.

BUT...

THEN I HAD AN ORGASM.

I DON'T KNOW HOW IT HAPPENED.

SHE SAID IT WAS A MIRAGE.

SHE WOULDN'T EVEN LET ME HAVEMY OWN ENJOYMENT, WHICH IS SAD.

NOT THAT SHE WAS THAT GREATIN BED, BY THE WAY.

SHE WAS LITERALLY MAKING LOVETO A METRONOME

WHICH I FELT WAS,LIKE, NOT EXCITING

AND I COULD BUILDA HOUSE OF CARDS ON HER BACK

WHILE WE WERE HAVINGINTERCOURSE.

SO GIVE YOU SOME IDEA.

I KNOW I'M ANGRY,BUT STILL, I JUST...

BUT WE HAD... WE REACHED...

WELL, WE HAD SIMULTANEOUSYELLING, WHICH I FELT WAS GOOD.

IT'S SAD, THOUGH, I MEAN,I DON'T FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF

SO WHEN I ASKED HERIF SHE HAD AN ORGASM--

BECAUSE SHE HATED ME-- SHE SAYS

"I'M MULLING IT OVER,I'M MULLING IT OVER."

( rapping: )WELL, I WAS IN MY CAR,BROKE UP THE U.S.S.R.

KNOCKED DOWN THE BERLIN WALL--THANK YOU-- STOPPED THE TANK

WE'RE UP IN CHINA.

ASK ME IF I'M SURE.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO SAY, G.?

THAT I'M DYNA-MITE, MITE, MITEIS MY MIDDLE NAME

I WILL ROCK YOUR WORLD.

( high voice: )WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO US?

WE'LL STILL REMAIN THE SAME.

BECAUSE, AS RICHARD SAID, I'MAN M.C. OF MIGHT AND THUNDER

IF I WERE AN AUSSIE--HERE COMES MY FIRST JOKE--

I'D BE DOWN, DOWN UNDER--GET IT?

LIKE CROCODILE DUNDEE,ANGELO, TOO.

I'M WACKY, I'M SERIOUS,I'M POOR-- NAME YAHOO.

WHEN I WALK AROUND THE PLACE,WELL, THEN I'M QUIET AS A MOUSE.

AND THAT'S WHENALL THE GIRLS SCREAM.

GIRLS-- "BARRY SOBELIS IN THE HOUSE."

( applause )

I ALMOST...

I ALMOST DIDN'T...

I ALMOST DIDN'T RAP BECAUSETHEY PUT A RING IN YOUR NOSE.

DOES IT MEAN SOMETHING

IF IT'S ONE OF THOSE RINGSIN THE LEFT SIDE OF YOUR NOSE

OR THE RIGHT SIDE?

WHAT IF THE RINGCONNECTS BOTH NOSTRILS?

THAT MEANSYOU'RE A WATER BUFFALO.

IT MEANS YOU SHOULD BEIN THE FLINTSTONES.

WOMEN RAPPERS-- MY FAVORITE.

I DON'T UNDERSTANDWHAT THEY'RE SAYING.

IT SEEMS LIKETHEY'RE ALL OUT OF BREATH--

( imitating breathy, unintelligible rapping )

WILHELMINA.

( more breathy rapping )

EMPHYSEMA, CATCH YOU LATER,BECAUSE...

BECAUSE HOW COULD NOT WANTTO SPEAK LIKE HIM?

( imitating Lewis: )QUITE FRANKLY...

HE'S A VERY APOLOGETIC HOST.

( imitating Lewis: )"CAN I BRING THE PEOPLE OUT?

"SHOULDN'T I BRINGTHE PEOPLE OUT

"AND YET I FEELLIKE ATTILA THE JEW.

QUITE FRANKLY,GOT TO BE HONEST."

YOU KNOW, PEOPLE AREALWAYS KILLING PEOPLE

AT THE POST OFFICE.

DO YOU THINK THE POST OFFICE

IS REALLY THE TOUGHEST PLACEIN THE WORLD TO WORK?

IT'S THE POST OFFICE!

NOTHING HAS TO GET ANYWHERE ONTIME OR EVEN GET THERE AT ALL.

HOW STRESSFUL ISTHE POST OFFICE, REALLY?

IT'S LIKE, "UM, DO YOU THINK

THIS LETTER SHOULD HAVE, LIKE,ONE STAMP ON IT OR TWO?"

"THAT'S IT, MAN, YOU'REALL COMING WITH ME, MAN.

"THAT'S IT, BACK OFF, MAN.

DON'T PUSH ME, MAN."

THE SUPERVISOR ISTHE FIRST PERSON THEY KILL

AS IF THE SUPERVISOR ISREALLY TIGHTENING THE SCREWS.

"WELL, GUYS, I THINK THIS YEAR

MAYBE 40% OF THE MAIL SHOULD GETTO WHERE IT'S SUPPOSED TO GO."

"THAT'S IT, MAN!

YOU'RE COMING WITH ME,SO BACK OFF!"

I KNOW YOU GUYS AREFROM ENGLAND, RIGHT?

I WAS JUST BACK FROM ENGLAND

AND WHAT IS THE DEAL WITHPEOPLE'S TEETH IN ENGLAND?

BUT NOT YOU, BUT OTHER PEOPLE.

PEOPLE HAVE MESSED-UP TEETHIN ENGLAND.

I'M GOING TO GO THERE,MAKE A MILLION BUCKS

BY BRINGING A CHEFAND A DENTIST.

THEY'VE NEVER HEARD.

IN ENGLAND, YOU'RE TALKING TO...YOU'RE TALKING TO A NICE GIRL

SHE SMILES-- SHE LOOKS LIKEA PSYCHOTIC JACK-O-LANTERN.

I GOT SO CONFUSED, I BLEWTHE CANDLE OUT IN HER HEAD.

BOOM! THAT'S MY SECOND JOKE.

AND GO, "MEET ME ATTHE MOVIE THEATER AT 8:00."

IT'S NOT A SUGGESTIONOF WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.

IT'S AN ACTUALITY,IT'S A COMMITMENT.

IN LOS ANGELES,YOU WANT TO MEET SOMEONE

YOU GOT TO CALL 11 PEOPLE

TELL THEM ALL "I'LL MEET YOUAT THE MOVIE THEATER"

AND MAYBE ONEOR TWO WILL SHOW UP

AND ONE BY ACCIDENT COULD HAPPENTO BE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

THIS IS WHAT LOS ANGELESIS LIKE.

IF YOU'RE NOT THERE, IN NEW YORK

YOU MUST EXPLAIN TO THE PERSONWHY YOU WEREN'T THERE.

BECAUSE THE GUYS ARE GOING,"BARRY, WHAT HAPPENED?

I'M STANDING THERE THINKINGYOU DIED, WHAT IS GOING ON?"

AND YOU MUST EXPLAIN,YOU GIVE AN EXCUSE.

IN THE MIDWEST, OR ANYWHERE ELSE

IF BILLY JOE McALLISTERIS NOT AT DINNER THE NEXT NIGHT

IT'S BECAUSEBILLY JOE McALLISTER JUMPED OFF

THE TALLAHASSEE BRIDGE.

AND IN FACT HE DID JUMP OFFTHE TALLAHASSEE BRIDGE.

IN LOS ANGELES,THERE'S NO EVENT TOO IMPORTANT

WHERE SOMEONESTILL WON'T SHOW UP.

"DREW, TOMORROW IT'S REALLYIMPORTANT YOU PICK ME UP AT 6:00

BECAUSE I'M HAVING OPEN-HEARTSURGERY AT CEDAR-SINAI."

FOUR DAYS LATERYOU FINALLY HEAR FROM DREW

IT'S LIKE, "DREW, I HADTO TAKE A CAB TO CEDAR-SINAI.

WHAT HAPPENED?"

"DUDE, OH, MY GOSH, I FLAKED."

"I FLAKED" IS THE REASON.

"I FLAKED" IS THE REASON!

( applause )

IN L.A.... OH, COME ON!

"DREW, WHAT DO YOU MEAN--YOU BROKE YOUR ARM?

YOU FELL DOWN IN THE SHOWER,YOU HAD CAR PROBLEMS?"

"NO, DUDE, I JUST FLAKED."

IN L.A. THEY DON'T EVEN HAVETHE DECENCY TO LIE TO YOU.

I HAVE A JAPANESE FRIEND,NOW HE LIVES IN L.A.

HE HAS ACCLIMATED HIMSELFTO LOS ANGELES.

"YAN CHE, HOW COMEYOU WEREN'T AT THE MOVIES?"

( with accent: )"BARRY, I DON'T KNOWWHAT HAPPENED.

"I GO INTO THE SHOWER,I COME OUT.

"I JUST FLAKE!

"I DON'T KNOW.

I THINK I'M FLAKING NOW."

THIS RESTAURANTCALLED "PLANET HOLLYWOOD"

AND IT'S SCHWARZENEGGEROWNING RESTAURANTS

WITH MOVIE PARAPHERNALIA.

I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLEEATING A CAESAR SALAD

SITTING NEXT TOSCOTT BAIO'S SOCK FROM ZAPPED.

SCHWARZENEGGER, WHO I LOVE

HE KILLS PEOPLE,HE ANNIHILATES THEM IN MOVIES

AND SAYS SOMETHING KOOKY,SOMETHING NUTTY

SOMETHING WACKY, SOMETHING ZANY,AS IF THIS WILL MAKE UP FOR IT--

( imitating Schwarzenegger ): "HASTA LA VISTA ... BABY."

WHAT'S HE GOING TO SAYIN HIS NEXT MOVIE?

"WAIT TILL YOUR MOTHER..."

( pretends to fire machine gun )

"I JUST LOST 1,600 POUNDS.

ASK ME HOW."

"THIS IS YOUR BRAINS ON DRUGS.

( gunshot )

"THIS IS YOUR BRAINSON THE PAVEMENT.

"THIS IS YOUR BRAINS.

"YOU'VE FALLENAND YOU CAN'T GET UP.

"WHERE'S BUD?

"WHO DO I KISS?

WHERE'S RICHARD?"

THIS IS MY LAST RELATIONSHIP.

MARRIED COUPLES HERE, COUPLES...

THIS WOMAN WAS THE ANTICHRIST,QUITE FRANKLY.

NO, THAT'S TOO HARSH.

BUT SHE ACTUALLY SAID, USEDALMOST THE SAME EXPRESSION

SAID THAT-- AFTERWE HAD INTERCOURSE--

THAT I GAVE HER AN ANTICLIMAX,WHICH I FELT WAS...

( laughter )

I'M SAYING... NO, I MEAN IT.

IT'S A NIGHTMARE, IT'S A...

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I JUST... I CAUGHT HER IN BED.

I'M TELLING EVERYBODY, YOU KNOW

I'M... COMEDY CENTRAL,I CAUGHT HER IN BED.

SHE WAS ACTUALLY...IT'S THE WORST THING.

YOU OPEN... "HI, HONEY,I HAVE TOMATO RICE SO-OO-OO-UP."

YOU BECOME LIKE, YOU KNOW,LOU COSTELLO-- "SOU-UH-UH-UH."

AND SHE HATED ME SO MUCH,SHE SAYS, "I'M CHEATING ON YOU

BUT NOT YOU, I'M CHEATING ONMY LAS BOYFRIEND."

WHICH IS ALL RIGHT, THOUGH.

IT WAS A NIGHTMARE.

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWNMONTHS BEFORE.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW,SHE HAD AN ORGASM, I THINK

I MEAN, WHO KNOWS?

BUT I SAID, YOU KNOW,"WHAT ABOUT ME?"

GOD FORBID, YOU KNOW, I ENJOYMYSELF ON OCCASION IN BED.

AND SHE SAID,"TWO WRONGS DON'T MAKE A RIGHT."

NOW, I'M SORRY, BUT...

WE'D LIKETO CALL

OUR FIRSTBIT ALREADYIN PROGRESS.

( tapping )

( jazzy piano music )

( laughter and applause )

VERY GOOD.

UH, RUSSELL RUSTY PUTNAM,LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

HERE AT THE IOWA STATE FAIRCAVALCADE OF TALENT.

I'M CAPTAIN LUCKY.

IF YOU'RE COMING TOTHE MR. PIBB TALENT PAVILION

WE'VE GOT NICKEL DRAWSAND MR. PIBB ALL DAY LONG

NEXT TO THE IOWA POWER AND LIGHTELECTRIC HOME OF THE FUTURE

WHICH HAS AN ELECTRIC STOVEAND AN ELECTRIC FURNACE.

YOU MIGHT WANTTO CHECK THAT OUT.

HE'S ALSO AN AUTHOR.

HE WROTE THE BOOK, THE AMAZING POWERS OF THE MIND:

A GUIDE TO PICKING UP THE LADIES

WHICH IS AVAILABLE

IN THE B.J. HONEYCUTT HALLOF SCIENCE AND MEDICINE

AND IT'S RIGHT NEXT TOTHE L.S.D. BABIES EXHIBIT.

YOU MIGHT WANTTO CHECK THAT OUT.

SO LET'S BRING HIM OUT HERE.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,THE AMAZING CRAIG.

( applause )

THANK YOU VERY MUCH,THANK YOU, INDEED.

LET'S KEEP IT UPFOR THE GOOD CAPTAIN.

I AM A MENTALIST,THE AMAZING CRAIG

BUT WHAT I NEED NOW IS

A VOLUNTEER FROM THE AUDIENCETO HELP ME WITH MY TRICK.

YOU, COME RIGHT UP HERE.

LET'S GIVE HIM A BIG HAND,PEOPLE, SHALL WE?

AND YOUR NAME IS?

UH, WILLY LESTER.

WHAT I'LL HAVEYOU DO IS...

NO ONE CAME UP TO YOUBEFORE THE SHOW

AND TOLD YOU THAT YOUWOULD DO A TRICK WITH ME?

NONE OF MY CONFEDERATESTOLD YOU WHAT TO DO AT ALL?

OKAY, THINK OF A NUMBERBETWEEN ONE AND ONE MILLION.

OKAY, CAN YOUDO THAT FOR ME?

YOU GOT THAT NUMBER?

THIS IS A RANDOM NUMBEROF YOUR OWN CHOICE.

OKAY.

I NEED FROM THE AUDIENCE

COMPLETE ANDUTTER SILENCE

AND WHAT I NEEDFROM YOU

IS TOTAL CONCENTRATION,IF I MAY

TOTAL CONCENTRATIONON THAT NUMBER.

DO YOU HAVETHAT NUMBER, SIR?

YUP.

IS THAT NUMBER...

THREE HUNDRED,TWENTY-ONE THOUSAND...

NINE HUNDREDAND THIRTY-SIX?

UH, NO.

( laughter )

TWELVE?

NO.

FOURTEEN?

NO.

18? 23? 24?NO, NO, NO.

NO.TWENTY-FIVE?

NO.TWENTY-SIX?

NO, IT'S SIX THOUSAND,TWO HUNDRED...

SIX THOUSAND,TWO HUNDRED ANDFORTY... THIRTY...

SEVENTY...

SEVENTY-THREE!

73, LADIESAND GENTLEMEN.

LET'S GIVE HIM A BIG HAND.

FANTASTIC.

WHAT I NEED NOWIS A PERSONAL ITEM--

A HANDBAG, A WALLET,A SCARF, A SHOE.

MADAM, MAY I BORROW YOUR SHOE?

LET'S GIVE HER A BIG HAND,SHALL WE, PEOPLE?

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

SOMETIMES YOU CAN TELLCERTAIN THINGS

FROM A... ITEM OF APPAREL,SUCH AS A SHOE.

( laughter )

I THINK WE KNOWWHERE THAT'S GOING.

WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT YEAR,HERE AT THE IOWA STATE FAIR.

SOMETHING WE CALL"OUR LAST BIT"

AND IT'S A SONGDEDICATED TO

THE HERO OFTHE OPEN ROAD

AMERICA'S CROSS-COUNTRY TRUCKER.

♪ A CROSS-COUNTRY TRUCKER,THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO BE ♪

♪ A CROSS-COUNTRY TRUCKER,NAKED, BURLY AND FREE. ♪

( plays four notes )

♪ GOT A 15-WHEELER,DOING 100 MILES AN HOUR ♪

♪ KICKING SMOKY'S ASSIN EVERY TOWN. ♪

HE'S A TRUCK-DRIVING MAN...

AND A KENNY ROGERS FAN

♪ BUT HE'S GOT TO PUTTHE HAMMER DOWN ♪

♪ HE STORES HIS URINEIN A GATORADE BOTTLE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE HE'S WILD,NAKED AND FREE ♪

♪ AND ALL THEHOT PANTS GIRLIES ♪

♪ TALKING ON THE C.B.s

♪ WANT TO GET IT ONWITH ME. ♪

( laughter )

THAT'S A BIG TEN-NINER,SEXY LADIES.

BETTER LISTENTO THE NAKED MAN

'CAUSE HE'S GOTA STORY TO TELL.

WELL, IT MUST HAVE BEENABOUT TEN YEARS AGO

I WAS AT A STUCKEY'S

GETTING ME A CUP OF COFFEEAND THAT PECAN LOG.

WHEN I CAME OUTTO MY RIG

I NOTICEDCAUGHT IN THE GRILL

WAS A SMALLSTINGRAY BICYCLE

WITH A TINY BANANA SEAT.

AND TRAPPED BETWEENTHE GRILL AND THE RADIATOR

WAS A SMALL, FRECKLE-FACED BOY,NAME OF TIMMY.

WELL, I PULLED HIM OUTAND HE WAS FINE

AND HE LOOKED UP AT ME,AND WITH A TEAR IN HIS EYE, SAID

"MISTER, HAVE YOU SEENMY DOG, SPARKY?"

WELL, FOLKS, A BROKEN WHISKEYBOTTLE LODGED IN MY COLON

COULDN'T HAVE HURT WORSE

THAN THE SIGHTOF THAT POOR, MANGLED PUP

WRAPPED AROUND THE MANIFOLD.

"I THINK HE'S SLEEPING," I SAID,AND I TOLD LITTLE TIMMY

I HAD TO MOVE ON.

♪ TRUCKER MAN, KEEP ON ROLLIN'

"DRIVING NAKEDTHROUGH THE NIGHT ♪

♪ WHISKEY BOTTLE IN HIS COLON,AND A KID ON A STINGRAY BIKE. ♪

HIT IT, STEVE.

( whistles cowboy riff )

WELL, IT MUST HAVE BEENABOUT AN HOUR LATER

AS I'M PUTTINGTHE FINAL NAIL

IN THE TINY,LITTLE COFFIN

WHEN I HEARD TIMMY'S VOICE SAY

"MISTER, WHEN I GROW UP,I WANT TO DRIVE YOUR RIG."

I SAID, "HOLD ON THERE,GOOD BUDDY

DON'T YOU WANT TO BE A BASEBALLPLAYER OR AN ASTRONAUT?"

"NEGATORY," SAID TIMMY, HISVOICE MUFFLED BENEATH THE PINE.

♪ "I WANT TO BEA CROSS-COUNTRY TRUCKER." ♪

♪ THAT'S WHAT HE SAID TO ME.

EVERYBODY NOW!

♪ A CROSS-COUNTRY TRUCKER,THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO BE ♪

♪ A DOG-KILLING, NEAR-DRIVING,ASS-KICKING, URINE-STORING ♪

♪ MOTHER-GRABBING TRUCKER--NAKED, BURLY AND FREE. ♪

LIKE ME.

( cheering and applause )

THANK YOU!

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