Friendship Anniversary

  • Season 4, Ep 13
  • 04/16/2014

The guys have a huge fight while at dinner to commemorate seven years living together and spend a miserable night apart from one another.

I CAN--I CAN FORGET EVERYTHING.

NOW THAT I'M SEEING THE KFC,I'M GETTING EXCITED.

- OH!KENTUCKY FREAKING CHICKEN, BABY!

- WHOA, WHOA.- THAT'S GOOD, OKAY, I'M BACK.

NOW I'M BACK.- HEY, SORRY ABOUT THAT.

- LET'S DIAL IT BACK.WE'RE OUT OF DISHES.

THIS ISN'T KFC, I JUST USEDTHE BOXES AND THE BUCKETS.

UH, THIS IS NORWEGIAN FOOD.

KJOTTKAKER,AND THEN WE'VE GOT

FISKESUPPE,AND OF COURSE THE COD TONGUE.

- WHA--WHAT?AM I ON OFF THEIR ROCKERS?

IS BETTY WHITE GONNA WALKHER OLD ASS IN HERE?

WHAT IS THIS?- OKAY.

I'M NOT GONNA EATANY SWEDISH FISH

UNLESS IT'S ACTUAL SWEDISH FISH,

THE KIND THAT YOU GET IN THE BAGAT THE GROCERY STORE

THAT'S DELICIOUS,A LITTLE GUMMY TREAT.

- FOR THE 500TH TIME,I'M NORWEGIAN.

THIS IS NORWEGIAN FOOD.- OKAY.

- IT'S TOTALLY DIFFERENT.

- FOR THE FIRST TIME,

YOU SHOULDN'T BRING IN KFCUNLESS IT'S ACTUAL KFC,

NOT THIS...- YEP.

- [bleep] PIG SLOP!

- I MADE ALL THIS FOR YOU GUYS.

I SLAVED ALL DAY.

THE LEAST YOU COULD SAYIS "TUSEN TAKK,"

WHICH IS "A THOUSAND THANKS"IN NORWEGIAN.

- HMM.- HOW ABOUT NO TAKKS?

ZERO TAKKS FOR YOU!

I WANT REAL, AMERICAN,DELICIOUS MEATS!

- THERE'S NORWAYI'M GONNA EAT THIS!

- HEY!

- NORWAY [bleep] SUCKS!KENTUCKY RULES!

- FOOD FIGHT!

[punk music]

[all grunting]

- [yells]

[all shouting]

- WHOA!WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

- OH, WELL,WE'RE OUT OF FOOD.

- OH!

- [grunts]

- OH!- OH!

- AAH!

- WHY DON'T YOU GO GET SHMACKEDLOCO SOMEWHERE, YOU BITCH?

- OH, I WILL, 'CAUSEIF I WASN'T GETTING SHMACKED,

NOT ONE LOCO THING WOULD EVERHAPPEN TO EITHER OF YOU!

- HO-HO!WHO SAID WE WANT IT, MAN?

OH! YOU'RE LUCKY I DON'T SHMACKTHE LOCO OUT OF YOUR FACE!

- YOU KNOW WHAT, IF WE DIDN'T GOTO COLLEGE TOGETHER,

I PROBABLY WOULDN'T EVENBE FRIENDS WITH YOU NOW,

AND I GAVE YOU A GIFT!

THE GIFT OF MY TALENT.

- TALENT?[laughs]

PLEASE, YOU BITCH!

YOU'RE A MEDIUM TALENT AT BEST!- OH, YOU'RE A BITCH.

- AAH!

- YEAH, WELL,I WOULD HAVE NEW FRIENDS.

I'D HAVE FRIENDS LIKE MACKLEMOREAND RYAN LEWIS

IF I DIDN'T KNOW YOU GUYS!- YOU KNOW WHAT, DEMAMP?

YOU SHOULD THINKABOUT QUITTING DRINKING.

YEAH, 'CAUSE YOU'RE STARTINGTO GET FAT.

- OH!- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.I TAKE THAT BACK.

YOU ARE A LEGITIMATE FAT DUDE.

- YEAH.- YOU TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW.

- YOU ARE A CHUBBY BITCH.

FAT AS JOHN CANDYAND NOT HALF AS COOL.

- SUCK MY LAMP!- OH!

- OH!

- YOU TRIED TO MURDER ME!- YEAH, I TRIED TO MURDER YOU!

- OH, NOW I'M TAKING ITTO THE NEXT LEVEL!

- AAH!- OH, OH, OH, OH, OH.

- OKAY.TRUCE, TRUCE, TRUCE!

- TRUCE.- TRUCE.

- TRUCE.- OKAY.

UH, THAT GOT VERY REAL.

- THAT GOT PRETTY REAL.- WE GOT OUT OF HAND.

IF YOU GUYS WANT TO STARTCLEANING UP, I'LL GO GET DINNER.

I'LL PAY FOR IT.

A COUPLE SPICY ITALIANSAND A COLD CUT COMBO?

- IT'S DOUBLE MEAT,DOUBLE CHEESE.

AND WHAT, YOU THINKBUYING DINNER'S

GONNA GET YOU OUT OF THIS?

THIS IS YOUR TV.

AND, BLAKE,YOU TRIED TO MURDER ME.

I THINK MAYBE YOU SHOULD BETHE ONE CLEANING UP.

- I'M NOT CLEANING UP THE TV,AND A MATTER OF FACT,

I DON'T EVEN KNOWIF I CAN STAY HERE TONIGHT

BECAUSE I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE

BEING IN THE SAME HOUSEAS YOU TWO.

- YUP.- I'M OUT OF HERE.

- NO, I-I'M OUT OF HERE.- I'M OUT OF HERE FIRST.

I ACTUALLY SAID IT BACK THERE,AND YOU GUYS DIDN'T HEAR ME.

- WHAT?- WHAT? NO, I SAID--

- YEAH, I SAID IT FIRST.- NO, I SAID IT FIRST.

- YEAH.- WERE YOU MAKING INDIAN FOOD?

- NAH.THAT'S JUST HOW IT SMELLS.

[laughs]

- WELL, REGARDLESS, THANKSFOR LETTING ME CRASH HERE.

YOU KNOW, YOU'VE ALWAYSAPPRECIATED ME,

UNLIKE DERS AND ADAM.

- HONESTLY,I COULD USE THE COMPANY.

I HAD A ROUGH WEEK.

I FORGOT TO PICK UPALICE'S DRY CLEANING,

AND SHE SMUSHED COFFEE CAKEINTO MY EAR.

THERE'S JUST SOME, LIKE,CINNAMON CRUMBLES.

- WELL, YOU KNOWWHAT ALWAYS CHEERS ME UP?

- HUH?- I CRACK OPEN A COLD ONE.

I TURN SOME YING YANG TWINSON THE OLD PANDORA STATION,

AND I DO SOME ARTSIN'AND CRAFTIN'.

- OH.- YEAH.

- YEAH, THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN.OH, SHOW'S BACK ON.

OKAY.HERE'S MY BITCH, RIGHT HERE.

- OOH.- MM.

I GOT A LOT OF MONEYRIDING ON THIS DOG SHOW.

THERE WE GO!

- GO, BITCH.[laughs]

- IS THAT MY HAT?

I KNOW THAT IS.THAT IS MY HAT, MAN.

WHY YOU TAKE IT FROM ME, MAN?

- THE PARK IS CLOSED!

THE PARK IS CLOSED.

READ THE SIGN.

THOSE ARE THE RULES.

- HEY, WE GOT A NEW RULE.

SHUT THE [bleep] UP.[laughter]

- OH, SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY'SFLUENT IN THE LANGUAGE OF CUSS.

DOESN'T IMPRESS ME, BUDDY.

- OH, YOU JUST VIOLATED

THE NEW RULE OF SHUTTINGTHE [bleep] UP.

- OKAY, WELL,IF THAT'S THE RULE,

THEN YOU VIOLATED ITBY TELLING IT TO ME.

DON'T TANGLE WITH THE KING,ALL RIGHT?

I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING,ALL RIGHT?

NOW, HAND OVER THE BEERS.I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE UNDERAGE.

- [scoffs]

- STOP SLAMMING.- [burps]

- THEN I'M TAKING THIS ONE.

I WANT YOU GUYS OUT OF HEREBY THE TIME I'M DONE

TAKING MY NIGHT DUMP,OR I'M CALLING THE COPS.

- OH, MY GOSH.THE POLICE?

- THE 5-0.- OH, OKAY.

- ALL RIGHT?

- HEY, WHY YOU WALKINGLIKE THAT, MAN?

YOU GOT SOMETHINGSTUCK UP THERE?

SUPER DOOKIE![laughs]

- GET OUT OF HERE.- [coughs]

- I'M A QUICK [bleep].

- WHOA!

WHAT IS THIS, POOL?- YEAH.

- THAT'S COOL.FELT, WOOD.

STICKS, BALLS.NICE.

YOU GUYS WANT TO CHUGSOME BEERS WITH ME?

- FREE BEERS?- YEAH, I BROUGHT 'EM OVER.

I WAS LIKE,"THESE DUDES LOOK COOL.

"I WANT TO BE BEST FRIENDSWITH THEM AND HANG OUT WITH THEM

ALL THE TIME."[glasses clink]

CHUGGING BEERSWITH MY FRIENDS.

WHOO!

GETTING SHMACKED!GETTING LOCO.

WE LIVIN' THAT LOCO LIFE.

50 MORE BEERS FOR MY FRIENDSWHO I LOVE NOW

AND NOT FOR MY FRIENDSWHO I DON'T LOVE NOW.

I LOVE YOU, DUDES.YOU GUYS ARE COOL.

- WELL, WELL, WELL.

AREN'T YOUA ROWDY LITTLE BEAR CUB?

- [growls]- [growls]

- ROWDY RODDY BEAR HUG.

COMING AT YOU!- WHOA!

[growls]- [growls]

OH, YOU'RE WAY STRONGERTHAN I AM.

- HEY, BUDDY.- YOU'RE WAY STRONGER THAN I AM.

- HEY, YOU GOT TO BRING IT DOWNA LITTLE BIT.

PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO WATCHTHE GAME HERE.

- [mocking deep voice]YEAH, OKAY, NO, I WILL.

OH, I'LL LISTENTO EVERYTHING YOU SAY 'CAUSE

OF YOUR IMPOSING VOICE--OH!- ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE DONE.

- HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!WATCH OUT, MAN, COME ON.

I GOT BEERS BACK AT MY PLACE.

- YEAH, I'M GONNA GO BACKTO HIS PLACE.

I DON'T WANT TO BEIN THIS STUPID PLACE.

LET'S GO!LET'S GO!

THAT YOU DEMANDED OF ME--

- THE WEIMARANER?ARE YOU [bleep] ME?

NO!

- UH, WHAT'S HAPPENING?

- I PUT 400 BUCKSON THE SCHNAUZER TO TAKE IT ALL,

AND HE [bleep] TOOKA DUMP MID-TROT.

- OH.- THAT'S GONNA COST US THE WIN!

WHO DOES THAT?- OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,ALL RIGHT.

MAYBE, MAYBE--HEAR ME OUT,

MAYBE THIS WILL CHEER YOU UP,OKAY?

I MADE A LITTLE SOMETHINGFOR YOU TO,

YOU KNOW, SAY THANK YOUFOR LETTING ME STAY HERE.

- YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT.

- I JUST ARTSAND CRAFTED SOMETHING.

- YEAH?- I HOPE YOU LIKE IT.

[laughs]I KIND OF MADE SOME ADJUSTMENTS

IN THE BR-BRA AREA,THE CHEST AREA.

- THAT'S MY FAVORITE DRESS.- RIGHT?

- MY KOREAN MOM GAVE IT TO ME!YOU RUINED IT!

- I WOULDN'T SAY I RUINED IT.I KIND OF REINTERPRETED IT.

A LOT OF GIRLS ARE DOING ITON TUMBLR.

- YOU JUSTREINTERPRETED GARBAGE.

- WHA--WHOA!OKAY!

- YOU REINTERPRET THIS,YOU PIECE OF [bleep]!

YOU TOUCH ONE MORE THINGIN THIS HOUSE,

AND I WILL [bleep] CUTYOUR HANDS OFF.

- YEP.- I'M GOING TO BED!

- YEP.

SWEET DREAMS.

- I SAID NO SOUR CREAM.

- OH--NO, NO.OH.

- TONIGHT YOU SLEEP IN THE TUB,

LIKE AN ASS[bleep] WOULD.

- WELL, IT'S, UH--IT'S ONLY 6:30.

[banging on door]

- OCCUPIED!SOMEONE'S IN HERE.

HEY! HEY! HEY!- HEY! HEY! HEY!

POLICE!- WHAT THE HELL?

- NEW RULE!NO [bleep] AFTER 5:00!

- OH, NO, NO!OH, NO, NO!

[sputtering]

[coughing]

NO!

OH, BLUE DOOKIE![gags]

- SOMEBODY TAKE A PICTURE!DUDE, TAKE A PICTURE.

- [yelling]

- [laughs]HEY, SHUT UP!

WE'RE TRYING TO TAKEA PICTURE!

- CAN'T BELIEVE YOU CARRIED MEALL THE WAY HOME, MAN.

YOU'RE STRONG.

- [groans]- WANT SOME BED BEER?

BLAKE LOVED BED BEERS.- OH, WAS BLAKE YOUR PARTNER?

- YEAH.HE'S MY PARTNER.

AT LEAST HE WAS.

WE LIVED TOGETHERFOR SEVEN YEARS.

WE WERE BASICALLY MARRIED.

- [chuckles] YEAH.I'VE BEEN THERE.

ALL RIGHT.

- OH!IS THAT YOUR HARD DICK?

- [laughs]YEAH.

- YOUR DICK IS HARD RIGHT NOW?- YEAH, IT IS.

- WOW.

IT IS 2:00 A.M.,AND YOUR PENIS IS ALREADY HARD?

YOU GET MORNING WOOD THIS EARLY?THAT IS INCREDIBLE.

YOU'RE LIKE A SUPERHERO.

- WHEN DID YOU GUYS BREAK UP?

- [sighs]A COUPLE OF HOURS AGO.

- OKAY, WOW.

UH, YEAH, THIS IS A--THIS IS A BAD IDEA.

I'M JUST GONNA GO JERK OFF.

[grunts]- OKAY.

WELL, YOU DIDN'T NEEDTO TELL ME THAT, DUDE.

THAT'S SOMETHING YOU JUSTKIND OF KEEP TO YOURSELF.

[Planetarian's Swim]

- ♪ ONLY DARKNESS

♪ I'M ALONE WITH YOUINSIDE THE POND ♪

♪ SINKING UNDER

♪ AND THE SUN FLIES BYMEANWHILE YOU'RE GONE ♪

- HEY, BLAKE.

[laughs]SORRY ABOUT EARLIER.

I WAS, YOU KNOW, BEING SO--

- CRAZY.- NO!

I WAS GONNA SAY "TIPSY"!

I'M NOT CRAZY!

WHAT'S CRAZY ABOUT ME, BLAKE?

HUH?IS THIS CRAZY?

- I MEANT TIPS--

- WELCOME TO MOTEL JILLIAN!

WE LEAVE THE SHOWER ON.LIGHTS OFF!

- [groans]

[buttons beeping]

WE'LL MOVE OUT--OH!- [yells]

- WHAT WAS THAT?- OH, MY GOD.

THAT IS A MOUSEWITH A RAT FACE AND A RAT TAIL.

- OH!- OOH.

- IT'S LIKE FIEVEL GOES--

OH, MY GOD![all shouting]

- DUDE, GO, GO!

- OOH.- OKAY.

- WHOO!- OH, MY GOD.

YOU GUYS, WE'RE NOT GONNA GETOUR SECURITY DEPOSIT BACK

WITH THOSE THINGS RUNNING AROUNDIN THERE.

[all yelling]

[heavy metal music]

- FALCON PUNCH!

[rat squeaks]

- [yelling]

[rat squeaking]

- [yells]

- [grunting][rat squeaking]

[all grunting]

[rat squeaking]- OH!

- OH, YEAH!

all: DIP FORWARD AND BACKAND KICK AND--

- YEAH.- YEAH.

- [grunts]

- AAH!

[rat squeaking]- [grunts]

- WHOO!

[all grunting]

- WE ARE THE RAT BUSTERS!- [sighs]

- THAT WAS AWESOME.I WAS LIKE, AAH!

THE ONE--THE ONE EYE POPPED OUT,

AND I SAW YOU,YOU WERE LIKE, "KABOOSH!"

- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

- JUST KABOOSHED IT SO HARD.

- THANK YOU.- DERS, YOU GOT A SQUADOOSH.

I SAW THAT.- YEAH, I DID.

- THAT WAS AWESOME--I LOVEBEING MANIACS WITH YOU GUYS.

- PRETTY GOOD LAST ADVENTURE.

- [clicks tongue]LAST ONE.

- YEAH.- YEP.

- FRICKIN' HATE YOU DUDES.

[laughter]YOU GUYS SUCK.

OH, [bleep] YOU.- YOU'RE A BITCH.

- YEAH, YOU'RE A BITCH.- YOU'RE A BITCH TOO.

- IF I SAW YOU IN THE STREETS,I'D BE LIKE,

"LET'S GUN THIS DUDE DOWN.I HATE HIM."

- SHUT UP.- I HATE YOU.

- SHUT UP, BITCH.- YOU SHUT UP.

[rat squeaks]ANOTHER RAT!

FINAL ADVENTURE EXTENDED!- OKAY!

- HERE WE GO!- WHOO!

[rats squeaking]

[all screaming]

- OH, OKAY.- EW! EW!

- YEP.NO, THAT IS A--THAT'S A NEST.

THAT'S WHAT THEY CALLA RAT NEST, AND IT IS HUGE.

- THEY'RE ALL JUST IN THEREJUST [bleep],

JUST HUMPING ON TOPOF EACH OTHER.

- WHAT SHOULD WE DO?- WELL, LET'S JUST,

UH, GO GET SHMACKED, RIGHT,

AND ASSUME THAT SOMEONE ELSE

WILL TAKE CARE OF THIS.- NO!

HEY, LOOK.- YEP.

- THIS IS OUR PROBLEM.WE'RE GONNA STEP UP,

AND IT'S GONNA HAPPEN BY BLAKE

COMING UP WITH ONE OFYOUR CREATIVE, CRAZY IDEAS

TO GET THOSE RATS OUT OF HERE

AND INTO SOME KIND OF BOXOR CONTAINER.

- I DON'T KNOW, GUYS.I JUST--

- COME ON.- OH, I AM A FREAKIN'

FULL-GROWN BABY GENIUS.

I GOT IT, YEAH.A PIZZA SUIT.

PUT A BUNCH OF PIZZA ON THIS--ON A SUIT,

AND THEN THE RATS ALL COME TO ITAND THEY--AND THEY GE--

THEY START EATIN' IT...- OH, THAT'S GOOD.

- AND THEN WHILE THEY'RE EATIN'IT YOU STRIP IT OFF

AND YOU--YOU PUT IT ON THE--

THE SLINGSHOT FROM THE AMERICANGLADIATE-DERS, RIGHT?

- OH, THAT'S GOOD!- YES! DERS, YEAH.

- AND THEN WE LAUNCH ITINTO SPACE!

- YEAH, OR AT LEASTTHE NEIGHBOR'S YARD.

- YEAH, EXACTLY, YOU KNOW?- YEAH, YEAH.

- NOW I GUESS ALL WE GOT TO FIND

IS SOMEBODY LOCO ENOUGH TO GETIN THAT SUIT, RIGHT?

- EXACTLY.- MY COUSIN DANNY'S LOCO.

AT FAMILY BARBEQUES, HE'LL TAKEHIS PENIS OUT AND PUT IT

IN A HOTDOG BUNAND WILL WALK AROUND TO MY AUNT

AND BE LIKE...[English accent]

"ARE YOU HUNGRYFOR SOME SAUSAGES?"

AND THEN--HE'S NOT EVEN BRITISH.

- OKAY, YEAH.THAT'S LOCO.

I-I WAS REFERRING TO YOU THOUGH.

- YOU GUYS THINK I'M LOCO?- YEAH.

[English accent]- WELL, I WOULD BE HONORED.

- ALL RIGHT.- ALL RIGHT.

- DON'T DO THE ACCENT,THOUGH.

- OKAY, WELL, THEN I WOULD BE--I WOULD BE HONORED.

- COOL.- YEAH, OKAY.

[grunts][rats squeaking]

[yells][rats squealing]

[screams]- WHOA!

- OH! OH!- WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!

- THEY'RE BITING THROUGHMY SUIT!

I CAN FEEL THEIR TEETH!

OH, GOD! OH, MAN!- I CAN'T--

I CAN'T GET TOTHE ZIPPER, MAN, JUST--

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