Joe Mande

  • 06/08/2012

Joe Mande tells tales of Twitter warfare and terrifyingly confident girls at his grocery store.

So I live in-- I live inWilliamsburg, Brooklyn,

which is a very, like, hip,cool neighborhood in New York.

And really all that means isthat I'm constantly surrounded

by pretty girls who weardefiantly ugly clothing.

And a lot of dudes wholook like they're about to

go operate a steam engine,you know?

And everyone has tattooswhere I live.

And I saw a tattoo recently thatI cannot stop thinking about,

'cause I don't knowif it's the best

or worst tattooI've ever seen in my life.

I was, uh, in a train station,waiting for a subway,

and this guy's standing next mewith a wax mustache

was just gazing lovingly at thistattoo on his forearm,

just vibing deep with thistattoo, right?

And I looked at it and all Icould tell,

it looked like cheetah print,or something.

It was just a bunch of dotsgoing up his arm,

and I was like,"Whatever."

And then a couple minutes later,this girl came up

to that same guy and was like,"Um, excuse me, sir?"

"Can you tell me what yourtattoo represents?"

And the guy goes,

"Ugh, it doesn'trepresent anything."

"It says 'paranoid android'in Braille."

Yeah. In Braille.

Braille.

I was like,"Uh, no, it doesn't."

No blind person's gonna see thattattoo and be like,

"Oh, sweet, you'rereally into Radiohead? Sweet."

'Cause he can't.That's how blindness works.

Made me so mad.So stupid.

That would be like if I did thisfor my special, you know?

(scoffs)

That's my name, in Braille.Pretty cool, right?

No, it's not.

It's not cool at all.

But the more I thought aboutthat guy's tattoo,

the more I startedto weirdly respect him.

'Cause you have to bea crazy person

to get a tattoo like that.It's so off-base.

Like, if I ever got a tattoo, Iwould do something similar.

I would get, on my forearm, Iwouldn't get fake Braille,

but I would get a giant pictureof Palmolive dish soap.

Just a big bottle of dish soap.

Just so if anyone evercame up to me

on the subway and was like,"Excuse me, sir,

can you tell mewhat your tattoo represents?"

I can be like, "Ugh, it doesn'trepresent anything."

"This is what I thinkcilantro tastes like."

I think my two favoritethings in the world

are basketballand getting into fights

with celebrities on Twitter.

Those are my two favorite thingsin the entire world. Thank you.

Yeah, those aretwo good interests.

But something really magicalhappened this summer

because, uh, for a few hours,I got into

an amazing Twitter fightwith an NBA basketball player

named Gilbert Arenas.(chuckles)

Some Agent Zero fansin the house.

Um, for those of youwho don't know he is,

he's most famous for gettingsuspended a couple years ago

for bringing a loaded guninto the locker room

and pointing itat his teammates.

Yeah, so, I decided topick a fight

with that guy 'causeI'm a genius.

Basically what happened was,I wrote an article

for this basketball blog,

which is already,how cool am I, right?

So, I wrote this article abouthow Gilbert Arenas

writes all these awful, sexist,misogynistic things

about women on Twitter,

and I guess he read it,'cause a couple hours

after it was posted,he tweeted to his followers,

he just wrote,"Who the hell is Joe Mande?"

Right? And then I wrote back andI was like, "Hi...!"

(laughs)" Hi, Gilbert!Nice to meet you!"

And that started this four-,five-hour long back and forth.

It was just the most amazingthing I've experienced

'cause he just hated me so much,

and he just didn'tknow how to do it.

And so, like, he tweeted me.He was like,

"Joe Mande,I Googled you and saw some

"of your stand-up clips online.

You suck as a comedian."

And I wrote backand I was like, "Oh, all right.

"Well, while you're on Google,you should

"look up your statsfrom last season,

'cause you suck at basketball."(chuckles)

Yeah, he did not like that,

and, like, 20 minutes later,he was like,

"Joe Mande, I see you host acomedy show at UCB Theater

"and tickets are onlyfive dollars.

Hookers charge morefor jokes than that."

And I was like,"All right, but why are you

buying jokes from hookers?"

Like, I don't even know whoyou're making fun of

at this point.

And then an hour later,he quit Twitter.

He just deleted his account.

And that's what'sinteresting about

getting into fightson the Internet,

is that there's never reallya winner,

except in that exact moment,I won. I clearly won,

'cause I'm the best. I'm thebest at being the worst.

I'm the worst.

The end. (chuckles)

I live in a predominantlyPuerto Rican area of Brooklyn,

which is great.

I'm sorry, did I say great?I meant, so loud, so loud!

(laughs)So loud.

But living in a Puerto Ricanneighborhood has its benefits.

Uh, for example,I live near a girl

who constantly flirts with me.

This girl flirts with meon a daily basis,

which would be awesome if shewasn't 14 years old

and the cashier atthe grocery store I go to.

I don't know what this girl seesin this, but she wants it bad.

She's very aggressive.

Every time, literally, everytime I'm in the grocery store,

we go through the same banter.

You know, I'll give hermy groceries

and she'll be ringing them upand then she'll go like,

"Tsk. So, what's up, papi? Are you Spanish?"

And I'm like, "No, I'm Jewish."

And she's like, "Okay, well,does Jewish mean Spanish?"

And I'm like, "No, I told you,Jewish means Jewish."

And she's like, "I know whatJewish means.

I'm just playing with you!"

She's always playingwith me, is my point.

And it gets very confusing.

Like, I was just in there,like, a week ago.

I bought three items.I got chicken,

pasta, and pasta sauce.

That's it.

She puts everything in my bag

and then looks up at melike a detective,

and she's like, "Tsk. So, whatyou making for dinner tonight?"

"Let me guess.

Chicken pasta?"

And I was like,"Ding-ding-ding-ding." (laughs)

Yep, yep,good old chicken pasta.

That's what I'm making 'causethat's what that's called.

(chuckles)

And she's like,"Mmm, that sound good.

"So, tell me, papi, when youdone making that chicken pasta,

you gonna come back hereand give me some?"

And I was like, "No.

I'm not."

I don't want to seem rude;that just sounds

really weirdand inconvenient for me

to go home,cook myself chicken pasta,

which is what that's called,

and then only eat half of it,then put the other half

into a Tupperware container

and walk back hereto the grocery store

just so I can feed some

terrifyingly confident14-year-old girl.

Nah, that wasn't my plan.

was last summer.

I, uh, I went in thereright before they closed.

It was, like, 11:00 at night.I grabbed one item.

I got, uh, a pint ofvanilla ice cream.

So, couldn't be moresymbolic on my part.

I put it right in front of herand she picked it up.

And this is verbatim,by the way.

This is word-for-word,our exchange.

She picks up the ice cream,looks at it,

then looks up at meangrily and goes,

"Why you such a bully?"

And I was like, "What?"

"Why... you...such... a... bully?"

"What?"

"Why you buying ice cream?

You know I can't eatno ice cream."

"What?"

"'Cause of my braces."

"What?"

"My braces, stupid."

"My dentist says I can't eat noice cream 'cause of my braces."

"What?"

(scoffs)

"I can eat ice cream;I'm just playing with you."

So, we're together now.(chuckles)

Sh-She's my girlfriend.

It's a beautiful story.

Do you guys like food?

Yeah, we canget on board for food.

I, uh, I'm on the road a lot,and the only way

I know I'm going intoa halfway decent restaurant

is if I see that little redsticker on the front door

of a restaurant that says"Zagat Rated."

It's very comforting, you know?

You're like,"Oh, Zagat rated it. How nice."

But they never saywhat the rating is.

Which I find odd.

That's like going into a bar,wearing a T-shirt

you made for yourselfthat just says "AIDS tested."

And you're all cocky about it,like, "What up!"

Girls coming up to you like,"What were the results?"

You're all like, (scoffs)"Results don't matter."

"It's just an honorbeing tested."

Any vegans in the house?Any vegans?

(laughs) Silence!

Either there are no vegans,or they passed out

'cause they're anemic.

Passed out likehalf an hour ago.

I saw this hilarious news storyon TV recently

about vegansexuals.

Have you guys heard that term?I did not make that up.

That is a real thing.

A vegansexual,according to this news story,

is a vegan who's decidedhe or she

is only gonna have sexwith other vegans.

Vegansexual.

And when I saw that, I was like,"Oh, that's weird,"

'cause I thought we alreadyhad a word for that,

and it was "vegans."

(chuckles)

No one wants to have sexwith a vegan. Like I've never...

I've never been at a bar andbeen like, "Oh, dude, look,

that girl is only eatingcabbage and almonds."

(chuckles) "Bet shesmells great down there."

I could never be a vegan.I just... I love milk too much.

I actually drink a glass of milkevery night before I go to bed,

which is adorable.(chuckles) I'm adorable.

But the same thought alwaysgoes through my head

when I drink a glass of milk.

I'm always just like,"Ugh, gross."

"Who was the first guyto drink milk?"

Who was that person?He had to have been

the biggest creep of all time,like, no question.

Number one creep in history.

I love thinking about that dude.I really do.

I just picture some guy in acave, thousands of years ago,

hanging outwith his cave buddies.

They're all telling funnystories, and then suddenly,

it's his turn to tell a story

and he's kind of shyand he's like:

(chuckles)Yeah, yeah, I have a story.

Um, actually, before I start,

do you guys know those hugeanimals that live outside?

They just stand aroundand eat grass all day,

and they have abig bag of boobs right here?

Okay, yeah, yeah,this is funny.

Um, it was like a week ago,it was early in the morning.

It was dark outside--that's important--

and, uh, I was walking around,minding my own business,

and I bumped intoone of those animals.

And I don't knowwhat happened, like I slipped

on the grass orsomething and... whatever.

Point is, I was on my knees and

I was just staring at thisbag of boobs,

and, uh, so I put onein my mouth,

'cause I wanted to suck on it.

And, so, I was suckingthis boob and,

it's not even a boob, really.You've seen them, they're huge.

They're likea boob-dick, right?

So, I was sucking this boob-dickfor a while,

just like tugging and sucking.

I just got in the zone and Iremember thinking, like,

this can't get any better.

And then it got better,

'cause it just startedsquirting this thick white

juice into my mouth.So, I swallow it.

What, am I notgonna swallow it?

And, so, it keeps squirtingand I keep swallowing

and it's so great,it tastes so good.

And then, after a coupleminutes,

the, uh, the boob-dickkind of drained out.

And I got sad.

And then I was like,wait, why am I sad?

There are, like,five more boob-dicks.

Then I was just like,blah, blah!

I just went crazy,just made a mess.

That's funny,relatable, right, guys?

His friends were like,"Uh, dude, that's disgusting.

Get the hell out of here."

And he's like, "Oh, really,it's disgusting?

Well, it's also deliciouswith cookies...!"

He leaves the cave.

His friends are like,"What are cookies?"

if you think about, and I'vethought so much about it.

I just feel likeit was the same guy.

Shows up to his friend's cave,like, a year later.

Just like, "Hey, guys,what's up?

"Look, I know some of youdon't approve

"of my lifestyle choicesand, uh, that's fine.

"Um, but do you remember,like, a year ago,

when I was telling youabout the boob-dick juice?"

"You d... oh, you do? Okay."

Well, um, needless to say, I'vebeen doing some experimenting,

and... just take thisor leave it,

but, uh, if you don't drinkthe juice right away,

which takes so much restraint,(chuckles)

but if you just squirt theboob-dick juice into a bucket

and then just leave thatbucket out for months,

like, way longer thanseems reasonable...

the juice is going to start tofester and discolor

and smell awful.

And these solid clumps are goingto lift to the surface.

But if you just strainthose clumps out

and put them upon a shelf to rot...

for months, and then eat it...(moans) it's so good.

It's so good.

Seriously, I eat thatevery morning.

I eat the boob-dick clumpsevery morning for breakfast.

I eat it with the, um,those chicken things.

Those food things that come outof a chicken's vagina.

No, that's food,I swear to God, that's food.

Seriously, just crack 'em open,

put the rottenboob-dick clump on top.

Put it on a bagel. Mmm.

There you go.That's just a loaf of bread

I turned into a circlefor no reason.

I don't know whyhe's Jewish at the end.

Loading...