Monday, September 19, 2016

  • 09/19/2016

Donald Trump (Anthony Atamanuik) takes over as Katee Sackhoff, Natasha Lyonne and Doug Benson #TrumpAQuote, topple the patriarchy and celebrate Ben Carson's birthday.

- Trump, the name issynonymous with quality,

luxury, being betterthan losers, and class.

Its been on golf courses, casinos, and beautiful meat.

Now, I'm lending my name to the failing game show,

At Midnight, and they need it, they need it tremendously.

I've bought and paid forevery episode this week,

just like I bought and paidfor my beautiful wife, Melania.

And soft little nougat chinchilla Chrissy Hardwick

is going to play the games I want to play.

It's to be huge,stupendous, the bestest.

Okay, you losers, here'smore than you deserve.

Trump Presents At Midnight.

(audience cheering)

- And now it's time fortonight's #HashtagWars.

(audience cheering)

Tonight's sponsor, Donald Trump,

has a very interesting grasp on the English language.

If he wasn't sponsoring the show,

I'd say that he rambles like a toddler

on bath salts, but he is, so I can't.

So in order to celebrate 2016's most innovative orator,

tonight's hashtag is #TrumpAQuote.

#TrumpAQuote is tonight's hashtag.

(audience cheering)

- Why are you clapping?

I don't know why you're inviting him.

- Okay.

Okay, stop talking, wee-willy-Seacrest.

I paid for this episode, and I'm

gonna play in thissegment, because no one

is better at quoting me than me.

(audience laughing)

I am tremendous, I'm incredible at it.

I'm incredible Chip.

Also, all my answers are worth

eight times the points of everyone else.

(audience laughing)

You got it?

You got it Chuck?

- I don't,

I feel dirty.

(audience laughing)

- You should have your daughter bathe you at night.

(audience laughing)

- I don't really, a, have a daughter.

Tonight's (laughing). (audience laughing)

Katie, you alright?

(laughing)

Alright, tonight'shashtag is #TrumpAQuote.

Examples might be "All the world's a stage

"and all the men and women are merely losers."

I'm gonna put 60 seconds on the clock.

Begin. (bell dinging)

Doug Benson.

- I see debt people.

- Alright, points. (audience laughing)

(bell dinging)Katie Sackhoff.

- Life is like a box of chocolates

that's fun to steal from poor people.

- [Chris] Alright points.

(bell dinging) Natash--

- Excuse me, excuse me.

Forget it Jake, China town.

It's China town.

- Alright, yeah, I've--

- A million points.

- Fine, fine, fine.

Natasha.

- You can't judge a bookby its ghost writer.

- Alright, points. (bell dings)

(audience cheering) Very good.

Doug Benson.

- [Trump Impersonator] Excuse me Chris, excuse me--

- It was Doug's turn.

- Excuse me.

- It was Doug's turn.

- Ask not what you can do for your country,

ask how you can (bleep)my daughter out.

- Alright, ugh.

(audience laughing and groaning)

I

cannot give you points for that

and ever sleep soundly again.

Doug Benson.

- We're gonna need a bigger vote.

- [Chris] Alright points. (bell dings)

Very good. (audience laughing)

Katie Sackhoff.

- One small step for man, and two small hands for me.

- Alright points. (bell dings)

(audience cheering)- Excuse me, excuse me--

- Doug buzzed in.

- Excuse me.

- What?

- Call me Ishmael, but that does sound like a Muslim name,

so maybe we should takeme out of the country.

- Alright, (laughing) Jesus Christ!

(audience laughing)

- I'm the devil, I'm the devil.

- I do not feel good about this at all.

Ugh, Doug Benson.

- Luke, people are saying I'm your father, I don't know

if it's true but that's what people have been saying.

- Alright points (laughs). (bell dings)

Natasha Lyonne.

- Mr. Gorbachev, keep the wall in tact.

- [Chris] Alright points. (audience laughing)

(bell dings) Doug Benson.

- Phone home, uh, no,you're an illegal alien,

your fingers are longerthan mine, you gotta go.

- [Chris] Alright points. (audience laughing)

- Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me--

- What?

- Excuse me, gethim out of here!

- What?

- Excuse me.

- Okay.

- Am I my brother's keeper?

Of course I am, he's locked up in GTMO with everybody else.

- Alright, um. (audience laughing)

(bell dings) Yes, points for that.

Natasha.

- I love the smell of spray tan in the morning,

it smells like victory.- Alright points.

(audience laughing)

Is that what you said?

I wanna touch your face, it's so...

- [Katie] I like that.

- It's made out of stress ball material.

(audience laughing)

- Well, that brings us to the end of #HashtagWars.

You can send us your #TrumpAQuote

and tag those @midnightto keep the game going.

- The country's a nightmare, huh?

(laughing)

- I won, she's got pneumonia, she has polio,

I don't know what this guy's problem is.

I'm winning, I'm winning.

Everyone else is sick, everyone else is sick.

- I'm really sorry, we don't know

when he's gonna turn up for the rest of

the week so please just bear with us,

we're trying to keep the lights on here.

We'll be right back with more At Midnight.

(audience cheering)

- [Narrator] OurTweet of the Day

from our last #HashtagWar was sent to us by @realDonald...

Really?

Oh Jesus.

The Emmy Awards were last night,

where Hollywood's bestand brightest gather

to leave empty seatsfor seat fillers

and take selfies withLeslie Jones, which I did.

One of the mostmemorable moments was when

the creator of Transparent, Jill Soloway,

won an Emmy for directing, and

said, quote,"Topple the patriarchy,"

not once, but twice.

And then the hashtag"Topple the Patriarchy"

immediately started trending.

So, comedians, now that

the movement has been started,what are you gonna do

to topple the patriarchy? KateeSackhoff, let's start with you.

I'm gonna masturbate every day.

-All right.-(applause and cheering)

-But...-HARDWICK: But?

I'm gonna do itto Gloria Steinem videos.

HARDWICK:Okay, great. Good.

-(laughter) -Yeah.-HARDWICK: Good. Natasha Lyonne.

Well, I actually...I didn't see the Emmys.

I'm just here to collecton my free blow job, Chris.

-(laughter, applause & cheering)-At, um...

At the commercial break,we'll... yeah.

Points. Doug Benson.

I did my partto topple the patriarchy

when I stopped watching The Cosby Show.

-HARDWICK: All right.-(applause and cheering)

As you saw earlier,presidential candidate

and moldy chicken nuggetwith delusions of grandeur,

Donald Trump,

has paid to take over everyepisode of @midnight this...

Uh, you know, we moved to 11:30.

Everything got more expensive.It's not my call.

We don't knowwhen he's gonna show up,

so we'll just continuewith the show.

We'll make the best of it.

We'll pretend likeAmerica's not gonna turn

into (bleep) Fury Roadin a couple months,

and, uh, we'll just enjoythe moment as it happens.

So next up, let's check inwith Carson, Daily.

Sunday was the 65th birthdayof failed

presidential candidateBen Carson, the neurosurgeon

who successfully removedhis own brain

and replaced it withBuild-A-Bear stuffing.

-(laughter)-And to mark the occasion,

Dr. Snooze tweetedthis baffling meme.

"Keep calm. It's my birthday."

-(laughter)-Uh...

Okay. Mission accomplished.

This is.. this is bat (bleep)

on several levels, but, man,does he look great, huh?

He kind of looks like...he kind of looks like

if James Bond was black

and believed the pyramidswere used to store grain.

(laughter)

So, comedians,how did you celebrate

hibernating creationistBen Carson's birthday?

Doug Benson.

I celebrated his birthdayby taking

-a quick nap every few seconds.-HARDWICK: All right, perfect.

(laughter)

Doug, I... I'm just assumingthat's the marijuana. Uh...

-(laughter)-Katee Sackhoff.

-Oh, Chris, there you are.-Oh, Doug.

(laughter)

Katee Sackhoff.

Um, well,for Ben Carson's birthday,

me and Jesus took himto Busch Gardens.

-(laughter) -Yes, perfect, yeah.Perfect. Points.

-Yes, Natasha.-Making sure

he doesn't see his own shadow,

or we'll have six more weeksof homophobia.