Kumail Nanjiani & Reggie Watts

  • Season 1, Ep 10
  • 04/23/2013

Anthony and Jim Norton teach a bully, and Justin Bieber makes a Holocaust gaffe; Kumail Nanjiani and Reggie Watts critique paintings.

WITH THE "BEST WORST THINGOF THE WEEK."

OF ALL THE AWFUL NEWS STORIES,THIS ONE'S MY FAVORITE.

BABY, BABY, BABY, OY.

JUSTIN BIEBERCAUSED A STIR LAST WEEK

WHEN HE VISITED THE ANNE FRANKHOUSE IN AMSTERDAM

AND WROTE IN THE GUEST BOOK

THAT HE HOPED ANNEWOULD'VE BEEN A "BELIEBER."

OH...[audience oohs]

THE INCIDENT HAS BEEN VOTEDTHE WORLD'S LAMEST WAY

TO GET INTO TROUBLEIN AMSTERDAM.

- [laughs]

I JUST--I THINK HE SAYS HE HASA KINSHIP WITH ANNE FRANK

BECAUSE THEY WERE BOTHDISCOVERED AT A YOUNG AGE.

- AH.[laughs]

[cheers and applause]

- I MEAN, IT'S LIKE--

I THINK THAT ONE OF THE--PROBABLY THE WORST OFFENSE

IS THAT, YOU KNOW,AFTERWARDS--

'CAUSE YOU ONLY GET TO HEAR,LIKE, THE FIRST PART, RIGHT?

YOU KNOW, OF WHAT HE SAYS, BUTREALLY WHAT HE SAID AFTER THAT

WAS, LIKE,YOU KNOW, "I WANNA--

I WANNA DEFINITELY GO TO CAMPWITH HER IF I COULD."

- THIS IS ALL GONNA SEEMSO INSIGNIFICANT

ONCE HE KILLS HIS FIRST HOOKER,YOU KNOW?

- THAT'S TRUE.THAT'S TRUE.

HE'LL LOOK BACK ON THISAND LAUGH.

- YEAH.

WE'LL BE LIKE, "REMEMBER WHEN HEJUST DISSED ON THE HOLOCAUST?"

- YOUR MOVE, AMANDA BYNES.

[laughter, applause]

- THE THING--I WAS THINKING,LIKE, YOU KNOW,

WHEN SOMEONE PISSES HIM OFF,

HIS FANS ALWAYSSEND DEATH THREATS,

BUT WITH ANNE FRANK, THE--TOO LATE.

- TRUE.

- YEAH, YOU KNOW,IT'S AN INTERESTING THING

BECAUSE JUSTIN BIEBER SUFFERSA REALLY RARE CONDITION,

WHICH IS HE CANNOT FIND,UM, SECRET PASSAGEWAYS AT ALL.

- NO.- YEAH.

- [laughs]

- WHAT'S THAT--WHAT'STHAT CONDITION CALLED, REGGIE?

- IT'S CALLEDNON-PASSAGEWAY DYSPEPSIA.

[laughter]

- THIS IS GONNA SEEM REAL HARSH,BUT...

WE'RE ALL GIVING HIM GRIEF

FOR MAKING THE HOLOCAUSTABOUT HIMSELF,

BUT YOU KNOW WHO ELSE MADETHE HOLOCAUST ABOUT THEMSELVES?

[bleep] ANNE FRANK.

[laughter]- OH.

- SHE'S LIKE, "OH, IT'S--EVERYTHING'S TERRIBLE."

THERE'S 5,999,999 OTHER JEWSWITH TERRIBLE LIVES...

- YEAH.

- AND NONE OF THEM ARE [bleep]BLOGGING ABOUT IT.

- THAT'S TRUE. THAT'S TRUE.[applause]

THE JEWS HAVE TOTALLYGOTTEN OVER THE HOLOCAUST.

- [laughs]- THEY NEVER BRING THAT UP.

NOW, GUYS, BIEBER'SON A WORLD TOUR RIGHT NOW.

WHAT DO YOU THINK HE'LL SAYIN THE GUEST BOOKS

AT OTHER DIFFERENT TRAGEDIESAROUND THE WORLD?

- WELL, I THINKAT THE STATUE OF LIBERTY,

HE'LL PROBABLYSAY SOMETHING LIKE,

[lisps] "I WAS SO GLAD TO BEALL UP IN YOUR FREEDOM, GIRL."

- OKAY, IS THATWHAT JUSTIN BIEBER SOUNDS LIKE?

- [lisps] YES.- YEAH, LOOK AT HIM.

- [lisping] THAT'S--LOOK,HIS LIPS AND EVERYTHING.

THAT'S THE WAY HE TALKS.[laughter]

- I THINK IT'D BE COOLIF HE WENT TO, LIKE,

GETTYSBURG AND WAS LIKE,

"HEY, GETTYSBURG,THANKS FOR AN AWESOME WAR.

NOW USHER'S FREE."

- AT THE ALAMO--AT THE ALAMO,HE COULD BE LIKE,

"HEY, I DATED SELENA GOMEZ,SO WE BOTH LEARNED THE HARD WAY

NOT TO TRUST MEXICANS."

[laughter, applause]

- LET'S MOVE ONTO "NOT BUYING IT."

WHERE WE TAKE A BASEBALL BAT

TO THE CHINA SHOP OFHUMAN INTELLECTUAL ACHIEVEMENT.

START THE BIDDING AT ZERO.

MURDER SUSPECT JODI ARIASIS SELLING ORIGINAL ARTWORK

TO COVERHER LEGAL EXPENSES.

HER BOYFRIEND DIEDFROM 29 STAB WOUNDS,

A SLIT THROAT,AND A GUNSHOT TO THE HEAD,

SO, CRITICS, BE KIND.

- [laughs]

I LIKE THAT SHE'S LIKE,"AH, I'VE MADE SOME MISTAKES."

- YEAH.

IT'S WEIRD THAT HER CRIMEWAS SO VIOLENT

'CAUSE HER ARTWORKIS SO SUBTLE.

[laughter]

- I THINK HER BOYFRIENDSAW HER PAINTINGS

AND WAS LIKE,"UGH, KILL ME NOW."

- YOU KNOW, UH,SHE CONSIDERS IT BAROQUE ART,

UH, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE SHE'SBUH-ROKE AND NEEDS SOME MONEY!

[laughs hysterically]

- CLASSIC WATTS.

CLASSIC.

- I MEAN, IT'S--YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT BAD,

BUT IT'S NOT SOMETHINGYOU WOULD NAIL TO A WALL

LIKE YOU WOULD A BOYFRIEND,FOR INSTANCE.

- TRUE.THAT'S VERY TRUE.

- YOU KNOW,ACCORDING TO A CORONER,

SHE ALSO DOES NUDES.[laughter]

[applause]

- AT FIRST--

AT FIRST SHE CLAIMED

THE PAINTING WAS DONEBY TWO MASKED INTRUDERS.

[laughter]

- ALL RIGHT, GUYS,NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY THE GAME

"GREAT ARTISTOR TERRIBLE PERSON?"

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU A PAINTING,AND YOU TELL ME

IF IT WAS PAINTED BY A GREATARTIST OR A TERRIBLE PERSON.

- ALL RIGHT.ALL RIGHT.

- HERE'S YOUR FIRST PICTURE.

GREAT ARTISTOR TERRIBLE PERSON?

- I MEAN, IT'S CLEARLY BOTH.

- IT IS BOTH!THAT'S JODI ARIAS.

IN THE CUTTHROAT ART WORLD,COLOR HER A STAR.

- [laughs]

THAT IS HERS?- YEAH.

- OH. UGH.- WHY ARE YOU SO SURPRISED?

WE JUST TOLD YOUSHE'S A [bleep] PAINTER.

[laughter]

- WELL,I WOULDN'T HAVE THOUGHT

THAT THAT WOULD BETHE FIRST ONE YOU WOULD SHOW US.

- THAT'S WHYWE SHOWED IT TO YOU FIRST.

- OH, YOU GUYS WIN AGAIN.

- WE WIN EVERY TIME.IT'S MY TV SHOW.

- I'M ON THE JESELNIK DEFENSIVE.

[laughter, applause]

- I THINK YOU'RE ON THE NANJIANI NOTHING.

[audience oohs]

DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE,STILL GETS AN "OOH,"

'CAUSE IT'S MY [bleep] SHOW!

[cheers and applause]ALL RIGHT.

LET'S TAKE A LOOKAT THIS NEXT PAINTING, GUYS.

- TERRIBLE ARTIST.I MEAN, TERRIBLE--

TERRIBLE PERSON.

YEAH.- I'LL GO WITH GOOD ARTIST.

- THE ANSWER IS HITLER.BOTH.

[audience ohs]HE WAS A THIRD REICH LEADER,

BUT A FIRST-RATE PAINTER.

- THIS IS NOT TERRIBLE.

I WOULD PAYUP TO $6 MILLION FOR IT.

[laughter]

[scattered applause]ALL RIGHT.

CHECK OUT THIS NEXT PAINTING.

GREAT ARTISTOR TERRIBLE PERSON?

- IT'S A GREAT ARTIST,OBVIOUSLY.

- GREAT ARTIST.

- IT'S JODI ARIAS AGAIN.

- NO.- YES! YES, IT IS.

- NO, THAT IS JOHN WAYNE GACY.

GREAT ARTISTAND TERRIBLE PERSON.

I'LL TELL YOU THIS, GUYS.

IF I SAW THAT PAINTINGON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD,

I WOULD BEFRIEND IT,TAKE IT HOME TO MY HOUSE,

HAVE SEX WITH IT,AND THEN KILL IT.

AND NOW, TURN OFFTHE BABY MONITOR

AND CALL UP THE MORGUE.

IT'S "DEFENDING YOUR TWEET."

[cheers and applause]- YES!

- YOU TWEETED IT,NOW I'M GONNA READ IT

AND ASK YOU TO DEFEND ITIN FRONT OF ALL THESE PEOPLE.

KUMAIL NANJIANI,

ON MARCH 24TH,YOU TWEETED...

[laughter]

KUMAIL, DEFEND YOUR TWEET.

- WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

I CAN'T DO ANYTHING WITH THIS.IT'S HORRIBLE.

- I WANT YOU TO EXPLAIN

HOW YOU ENDED UPWANTING A FORK IN YOUR DICK.

- HAVE YOU EV--

- DO YOU LIKEBANANA LAFFY TAFFY?

- N-NO, IT'S HORRIBLE.- OKAY.

- IT'S LIKE SOMEONEWHISPERED THE WORD "BANANA"

INTO A PIECE OF SILLY PUTTY.

[laughter]- OKAY.

NOW, THAT'S WHATI'M LOOKING FOR.

THAT'S A DEFENSE, KUMAIL.

SHUT THE [bleep] UP.[laughter]

REGGIE...[cheers and applause]

REGGIE.- YES.

- ON NOVEMBER 1ST,YOU TWEETED--

- YOU'RE GONNA JUSTHAVE TO REDO IT

IF YOU DON'TGIVE ME A HIGH FIVE.

- NO.[laughter]

- YOU'RE JUST GONNAHAVE TO REDO IT.

- I'M GONNA LEAVE IT LIKE--OH!- OH!

- OH! OH!

[cheers and applause]

OH!- OH!

[cheers and applause]

[audience hooting]

- OH.

A JESELNIK FIRST--THERE'S YOUR ICE.

- THAT'S WHATI WAS GONNA SAY!

I WAS--I WAS LIKE,"THAT MA--THAT'S A FIRST."

- ALL RIGHT, WHILE KUMAIL GETSHIS [bleep] TOGETHER, REGGIE...

- [laughs]- EVERYTHING'S COOL, GUYS.

I'M OKAY.[forced laugh]

CAN I GET A REFILL?

- YEAH, SOMEBODYRUN TO A LIQUOR STORE.

REGGIE...

ON NOVEMBER 1ST--

REGGIE, ON NOVEMBER 1ST,YOU TWEETED...

[laughter]

REGGIE WATTS,DEFEND YOUR TWEET.

- FIRST OF ALL, I THINKIT'S A TOTALLY REASONABLE, UH...

THING TO QUESTION.

BUT, YOU KNOW, THE OTHER THINGIS IT'S JUST TWO CHOICES.

THEY'RE NOT MIXED,IT'S JUST CLEARLY TWO CHOICES.

THAT'S IT.THEY'RE NOT ASSOCIATED AT ALL.

IT'S JUST,YOU KNOW, PICK ONE.

- WEIRDLY, THEY'RE NOTMUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE EITHER.

- OH![cheers and applause]

OH, MY GOSH.

[cheers and applause]

FINALLY, KUMAIL NANJIANIDOES SOMETHING RIGHT.

THANK YOU GUYS BOTHFOR BEING HERE TONIGHT.

AND BE SURE TO WATCHKUMAIL'S HOUR SPECIAL

BETA MALE, PREMIERINGJUNE 22ND ON COMEDY CENTRAL.

AND CHECK OUT REGGIE'S NEW VIDEO IF YOU'RE [bleep]ING

AT JASH.COM.

THAT'S J-A-S-H.COM.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACKWITH MORE SHOW.

[cheers and applause]

[electronic music]

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