CC Presents: Greg Proops

  • 06/18/1999

SHUT UP.

( laughter )

FABULOUS TO BE HEREIN NEW YORK CITY

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

I LIVE IN LOS ANGELES,CALIFORNIA, OR, UH...

( cheering )

OH, WE GOT PEOPLE IN FROM L.A.?

THEN I'LL GO REAL SLOW.

( laughter )

WE'RE LOWER CALIFORNIA OR LOWCAL, IF YOU WILL, AND, UH...

PEOPLE IN L.A. ALWAYS THINK

THAT PEOPLE IN NEW YORKARE RUDE

AND THAT ISN'T THE TRUTH.

PEOPLE IN NEW YORK ARE BUSY...

( laughter )

YOU KNOW, THINKING.

YOU KNOW? 'CAUSE IN L.A.

YOU'VE ALWAYS GOT TO LOOKFOR INTELLIGENT THOUGHT

'CAUSE IT'S NEVER JUSTGOING TO... COME AT YOU.

( laughter )

AND THEY DON'T HAVE TIMEIN NEW YORK

TO WAIT AROUND FOR OUR PINHEAD

SMOOTH-LOBED INDECISION,YOU KNOW?

HERE IN NEW YORK, PEOPLEARE LIKE, "WHAT'LL IT BE?"

"UM, WELL, I'M NOT CERTAIN,DO YOU HAVE A..."

"THAT'S IT, I'M DONE NOW.THANK YOU.

"I'M BUSY. I HAVE STUFF TO DO

"IN MY LIFE, OKAY?

YOU STAND THERE AND DECIDETILL THE END OF TIME."

AND THERE'S A LOT OF RULESIN CALIFORNIA.

WE HAVE LIBERAL FASCISM.

YOU CAN'T SMOKE IN A BARIN THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA. MM.

NOW, I'M NOT MAD THEY DID THAT.

I UNDERSTAND THAT SMOKINGIS VAGUELY INAPPROPRIATE

IN CERTAIN SITUATIONS.

YOU KNOW,LIKE A ORPHANAGE OR...

( laughter )

CANCER WARD, WHATEVER.

( laughter )

BUT A BAR?

( snorting ):DUH!

OR, FOR OUR FRENCH FRIENDS

DER DOYNG!

YOU'RE IN A BAR. GROW UP.

YOU'RE DRINKING POISON.

( laughter )

YOU'RE TRYINGTO HAVE SEX UNSAFELY

WITH SOMEONE YOU DON'T KNOW.

IS SECOND-HAND SMOKEREALLY THE CHIEFEST

OF YOUR HEALTH CONCERNSAT THIS POINT?

"DUDE, I'VE BEEN DOINGTEQUILA SLAMMERS SINCE NOON.

"I'M TRYING TO SHAGTHIS CHICK I JUST MET.

"I DON'T EVEN KNOW HER NAME.

COULD YOU PUT THAT OUT?"

( laughter )

I'LL PUT OUT MY CIGARETTE

THE DAY EVERYBODY WALKS TOTHE SHOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

'CAUSE I LIVE IN HOLLYWOOD

WHERE THERE IS NOT ONE IOTAOF UNPAVED SPACE

AND YET EVERYONE FEELS THE NEEDTO DRIVE A SUBURBAN, FOUR-WHEEL

HUMVEE ASSAULT VEHICLE.

'CAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW

WHEN YOU'RE GOING...OFF-ROAD IN HOLLYWOOD.

"KIDS, WE'RE GOINGTHROUGH THE DRIVE-THRU.

HOLD THE ROLL BAR!STAY LOW! KEEP CLOSE!"

( laughter )

I SPEND A LOT OF TIMEIN ENGLAND.

"REALLY, GREG?WE'RE FASCINATED. TELL US MORE."

ALL RIGHT, I WILL.

I LIKE TO GO TO ENGLAND

AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

I LIKE TO GO TO A COUNTRYWHERE I AM CONSIDERED...

THE BEST-LOOKING PERSON.

IT'S AS SIMPLE AS THAT.

( laughter )

HOLLYWOOD-- KIND OFA CRUSHING EGO BLOW.

YOU KNOW, "HEY, BUDDY HOLLY...

"YOU ARE SO OLD.

HAVE YOU NOT PERISHEDIN A PLANE CRASH?"

BUT NOT IN ENGLAND.

OH, GOOD GOD, NOT THERE.

IN ENGLAND--GOD BLESS THAT DINKY ISLAND--

THERE IT'S,"OH, GOOD GOD, LOOK AT HIM."

"HE HAS ALL HIS TEETH

AND HIS EARS AREIN PROPORTION TO HIS HEAD."

( laughter )

I'M BRAD BLOODY PITTON THAT ISLAND.

AND THE ENGLISH, WHO AREWARM AND CUDDLY BY NATURE...

( laughter )

THANK YOU.LOOK FOR THE SARCASM.

YOU'LL FIND ITCONTAINED IN EVERY JOKE.

OH, THEY HAVE LOTS OFINTERESTING QUESTIONS FOR ME.

QUESTIONS LIKE,"WHEN ARE YOU LEAVING?"

AND "DO YOU MISS AMERICA?"

( laughter )

AND, "ARE YOU MISS AMERICA?"

( laughter )

IT'S A SEMANTICMINEFIELD.

AND I MISSWHAT ANYBODY WOULD MISS.

MOSTLY, I MISSTHE MEXICAN FOOD. MM-HMM.

THIS MAY NOT COME ASA WILD-ASSED, BUG-BEATEN

PINATA-BREAKING, BABOON'S-BUTTSURPRISE TO ALL Y'ALL...

BUT ENGLAND IS NOTA REALLY KICKING PLACE TO GO...

IF YOU WANT FULL-ON,SCREAMING MEXICAN FOOD.

WHO KNEW?

SOMETHING TO DOWITH THE WAY

THEY PRONOUNCEIT, I THINK.

"SORRY, WOULD YOU LIKE

AN ENCHILAAADA?"

"MM-MM. NO, THANK YOU, NO,I DON'T WANT AN ENCHILAAADA."

NOR DO I WANT THE BURR-EYE-TO...

OR A TAY-CO...

OR ANY OTHER BIZARRE,UNECESSARY VOWEL SUBSTITUTIONS.

SO THERE'S A BITCHING

I'M GOING TO HIP YOU TO IT.

UH... IT'S IN KIND OFA DICEY NEIGHBORHOOD.

IT'S AT THE CORNER OF, LIKE,HUGH GRANT AND CRACK.

( laughter )AND...

THERE'S... THERE'S NO MENUS

IN THIS RESTAURANT, RIGHT?

'CAUSE THIS IS HOLLYWOOD

THE LITERACY CAPITOLOF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE, YOU KNOW.

"WORDS?

"HURTING... BRAIN.

( laughter )

"WORDS NOT ABOUT ME.

"WAITER, CAN I HAVE A MIRRORSO I CAN WATCH MYSELF EAT?

"MMM... I AM SUPER-FOXY.

"I'M FROM FOX-SKATCHEWAN.

THAT'S THE CAPITALOF FOX-ITOBA."

AND THE WAITERJUST COMES UP TO YOUR TABLE

AND SCHPIELS, RIGHT?

ALTHOUGH YOU DON'T FINDA LOT OF MEXICAN WAITERS

USING THE YIDDISH.

DISCURSA--VERY SEXY. VERY LATIN, RIGHT?

( deeply, with accent ):"GOOD EVENING.

"WELCOME TO THE GARDENSOF TAXCO.

THIS IS LIKE EATING IN A HOMEIN MEXICO CITY."

EXCEPT YOU CAN'T SMOKE ORHAVE ANY ADULT FREEDOM, RIGHT?

YOU CAN'T SMOKE IN A RESTAURANTIN LOS ANGELES.

WHICH IS MILDY IRONIC

WHEN YOU CONSIDER THE FACTTHAT YOU CAN'T BREATHE

OUTSIDE A RESTAURANTIN LOS ANGELES.

YOU WOULDN'T WANTTHE DOORS TO FLING OPEN

AND ALL THAT BAD AIRTO WAFT OUTSIDE.

"THE FIRST DISHON THE MENU THIS EVENING

"IS CHICKEN CON CREMA--

"CHICKEN IN A CREAM SAUCESO RICH, SO DELICIOUS

YOU WOULD THINK THE CHICKENWAS BO IN IT."

( laughter )

"CHICKEN CON CREMA ISA VERY SPICY DISH.

"NOT HOT, MY FRIEND, NOT HOT.

( whispering ):"SPICY.

( laughter )

"CHICKEN CON CREMA--

"THE CHICKEN OF ROMANCE,INTRIGUE AND ADVENTURE

"A SASSY, FREE-RANGE BIRDWITH A MIND OF ITS OWN.

"THIS IS A CHICKEN THAT WOULDWALK UP TO A ROOSTER AND SAY

"'( ble ) OFF!

( laughter )

"'I DON'T NEED YOU IN MY LIFE.'

( laughter )

"CHICKEN CON CREMA--

"A CHICKEN SO BEGUILING,SO ALLURING, SO... CAPTIVATING

"YOU WILL WISH...TO PENETRATE THE CHICKEN.

( laughter )

"BUT YOU CANNOT,FOR IT IS FORBIDDEN.

"THERE IS NO SMOKINGAND NO PENETRATING THE CHICKEN

"IN THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA.

"CALIFORNIA PENAL CODE SESENTA Y SEIS

SUBSECTION CUARENTA Y UNO."

( laughter )

AND YOU KNOW HOW PEOPLEWHO ARE OBSESSED WITH FUR ARE.

"I'M GOING TO STEP OVERTHIS DISGUSTING HOMELESS PERSON

AND PET THIS CUTE LITTLE KITTY."

( laughter )

MY FEELING IS THIS--

WE RAN FROM THE ANIMALSFOR THREE MILLION YEARS.

IT'S OUR TIME NOW.

(laughter )

ANIMALS HAVE TWO VITAL FUNCTIONSIN TODAY'S SOCIETY--

TO BE DELICIOUS...

( laughter )

AND TO FIT WELL.

( laughter and applause )

NOW, THERE WAS A WOMANA COUPLE OF YEARS AGO

WHO WAS GOREDWHILE SHE WAS VIDEOTAPING

THE RUNNING OF THE BULLSIN PAMPLONA.

YOU KNOW, HER HEARTWAS IN THE RIGHT PLACE.

"I'M HERE TO HELP."

( screeching )

YOU KNOW. AND I FELT BAD.

BUT IT PROVES MY POINT ABOUTCOWS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

WHEN IT COMES TO COWS...

IT'S THEM OR US, RIGHT?

IF A COW COULD EAT YOU...

IT WOULD.

( laughter )

AND IT REALLY WOULDN'T CARE

HOW COMFORTABLE YOURTRUCK RIDE OVER WAS EITHER.

"HI. HOW WAS YOUR TRIP? MOO!"

THAT'S IT-- IT'D BITEYOUR ASS RIGHT OFF.

( whining ):"BUT I'D NEVER BE CRUELTO AN ANIMAL."

OF COURSE, YOU WOULD.

IF YOU WERE TRAPPEDIN THE ARCTIC, FREEZING TO DEATH

YOU WOULD KILL A BABY HARP SEALWITH A PLASTIC PICNIC SPOON...

( laughter )

JUST FOR A CHANCETO CRAWL INSIDE IT

AND LUXURIATEIN THE WARMTH OF REAL FUR.

( laughter )

SO, LET'S TALKABOUT DOPE, RIGHT?

AND THE CROWD GOES QUIET AGAIN.

( laughter )

LISTEN, I DON'T ADVOCATETHE USE OF DOPE.

YOU KNOW, I WOULD NEVERADVOCATE THE USE OF DOPE

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, I'M NOTA PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE, AND...

I DON'T HAVE ACCESS

TO THE GOOD STUFF,YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

GOD FORBID

WE LEGALIZE MARIJUANAIN THIS COUNTRY.

AND WE DON'TBECAUSE WE'RE PURITANS, RIGHT?

AND WE'VE GOTTHAT PURITAN LOGIC.

"GREG...

( hearty chuckle )

"GREG, WE CAN'TLEGALIZE MARIJUANA.

"PERISH THE THOUGHT. YOU SEE...

"IF WE LEGALIZE MARIJUANA...

PEOPLE WILL SMOKE IT."

( laughter )

'CAUSE IT SEEMS TO METHAT THIS COUNTRY

IS SO OFF IN A REDNECK,( bleep ), PECKERWOOD

BOHUNK, HEE HAW, GUN-TOTIN',PSYCHO-CHRISTIAN, ANTI-CHOICE

HOMOPHOBIC, GIMME CAP-WEARING,MILITIA ARMBAND-SPORTIN'

HUGE BELT BUCKLEWITH YOUR NAME ON IT

THAT YOU WEAR UPSIDE-DOWN

SO YOU CAN GO, "OH, ( bleep )THAT'S MY NAME."

( laughter )

KIND OF PLACE.

AND CLEARLY, THE REASONTHE UNITED STATES IS THIS WAY

IS ENGLAND'S FAULT.

NOW, ONCE UPON A TIME,THE ENGLISH SENT PEOPLE

ALL AROUND THE WORLD, RIGHT?

AND TO OUR COUNTRY,WE GOT THE PILGRIMS. MM-HMM.

THEY CELEBRATE THANKSGIVINGIN ENGLAND BY THE WAY.

IT'S CALLED"( bleep ) OFF, PURITAN..."

( laughter )

DAY.

AND WE'RE TAUGHT A LOT OF LIESGROWING UP, RIGHT?

ABOUT AMERICAN HISTORY.

"REALLY, GREG? WHICH ONES?"

ALL OF THEM.

( laughter and applause )

THANK YOU.

AND ONE OF THE CHIEFESTLIES WE'RE TAUGHT

IS ABOUT THANKSGIVING, RIGHT?

EVER SINCE YOU'RE LITTLEYOU'VE HEARD THIS--

"THE PILGRIMS LEFT ENGLAND

"TO ESCAPERELIGIMINOUS PERSECUTION

AND TO SNEAK RELIGIOUS FREEDOMIN THE NEW WORLD."

( laughter )

AND EVEN WHEN YOU'RE LITTLE,YOU'RE, LIKE

"UM... BULL ( bleep )."

( laughter )

"YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT,RIGHT?"

♪ 'CAUSE IT SOUNDSBETTER THAN THE TRUTH ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA, LA-LA, LA-LA-LA!

♪ IT SOUNDS BETTER,AND IT TASTES BETTER ♪

♪ SO WE'LL ALL PRETENDIT REALLY HAPPENED ♪

♪ THERE WERE NO WOMENOR MINORITIES ♪

♪ JUST A BUNCH OF WHITE GUYSWEARING WIGS... ♪

MY FEELING IS...

( laughter and applause )

THE PILGRIMS WERE

ASKED TO LEAVE ENGLAND.

ENGLAND WAS NEVER FUNNER

THAN WHEN THE PILGRIMSSPLIT, RIGHT?

THE PEOPLE OF ENGLANDGOT A LITTLE TIRED

OF THESE DOUR, RIGHT-WING,CONSERVATIVE, PSYCHO-CHRISTIANS

WEARING ALL BLACK,BUMMING PEOPLE OUT

CONFUSING EVERYONE BY WEARINGBUCKLES ON... THEIR HEADS.

( laughter )

"IS THAT TIGHT ENOUGHFOR YOU, COTTON?"

"YEA, VERILY."

FINALLY, SOMEONE WENT,"HEY, I'VE GOT A CRAZY IDEA.

"WHY DON'T YOUFREAKY LITTLE WEIRDOES

"GET IN A RICKETY, LEAKY,DINKY LITTLE BOAT

"AND GET THE ( bleep )OFF THE ISLAND, HUH?

( laughter )

"SAIL AROUNDTILL YOU HIT THE NEW WORLD.

"WHEN YOU GET THERE,COMMIT GENOCIDE

"ON THE INDIGENOUS PEOPLE,ALL RIGHT?

"HAVE A GROOVY TIME.

"HAVE A WITCH TRIAL.

"LET US KNOWHOW THAT WORKS OUT FOR YOU.

"WE'LL BE IN ENGLANDHAVING THE RENAISSANCE

IN CASE ANYONE NEEDS US."

( laughter )

SO THEY SENDTHIS GROUP OVER, RIGHT?

WITH GUNS AND BIBLESAND NO FARMING IMPLEMENTS.

MM. HOW ENGLISH IS THAT?

"OH, SURELY,THERE'LL BE A SHOP OPEN.

( laughter )

"I SAY, SQUANTO

CAN YOU MAKE USSOME BAKED BEANS ON TOAST?"

( laughter )

THEY SEND THIS GROUP OVER

AND THEN I HAVE TO HEARTHIS ALL THE TIME IN ENGLAND.

"WELL, ALL AMERICANSARE FAT AND STUPID."

( goofy chuckling )

REALLY. WELL, THANKSFOR SENDING OVER

THE BEST AND BRIGHTESTTO START THE PARTY, HUH?

MAYBE WE COULD SEND A FEW FREAKY

TEXAS MILITIA, HATE-GROUP,GUN-TOTING WEIRDOES

BACK TO YOUR COUNTRY, HUH?

( laughter )

( cheering and applause )

CAN WE AGREE ON THAT?

( applause )

YEAH?

NOT A GROUNDSWELL OF SUPPORT

FOR THAT, BUT ALL RIGHT.

"NO, WE WORKJUST HARD ENOUGH, GREG."

HARDER THANEVERYONE ELSE, RIGHT?

40 HOURS OR MORE A WEEK,TWO WEEKS VACATION A YEAR.

ALL THE OTHER COUNTRIESIN THE WORLD, IN THE G-7

THEY GET FOUR WEEKS.

"I DID NOT KNOW THAT."

"WELL, NOW YOU DO."

THE JAPANESE-- THEY MIGHT WORKHARDER THAN US, RIGHT?

DIE IN FRONTOF THEIR TELEVISION SET

OF CORONARY THROMBOSISWHEN THEY'RE, LIKE, FOUR...

BEEN SINGINGTHE CORPORATE ANTHEM

SINCE THEY WERE A ZYGOTE.

( laughing )

WE WORK SO HARD, MAN,AND FOR VERY LOW.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER BEENTO, LIKE, SPAIN OR ITALY

BUT IT DOESN'T BREAK DOWNTHAT WAY.

IN SPAIN OR ITALY,1:00 ROLLS AROUND

WORK STOPS.

Woman:YAY!

EVERYONE GOES TO BED.THEY GET UP.

THEY DRINK WINE

THEY GET UP IN THE MORNINGAND THEY LOOK FABULOUS.

HOW DID WE MISS OUT ON THAT?

HOW COME WE GOT THE GRUBBY BOATOF BANDY-LEGGED PURITANS?

HOW COME WE DIDN'T GETTHE ITALIAN PARTY BOAT

WITH THE CAPPUCCINO MAKERAND THE GELATO MACHINE?

THAT WAS THE SEXY BOAT, MAN.

THOSE GUYS HAVEA MILLION SAINTS.

THERE'D BE A HOLIDAYEVERY OTHER DAY.

WE'D NEVER WORK!

( Italian accent ):"1:00-- I GO TO BED NOW.

"THEN, I GET UP,I DRINK WINE, I MAKE LOVE...

"I GET UP IN THE MORNING,I HAVE STRONG COFFEE.

"I LOOK VERY SEXY IN MY SUIT.

"BEEP-BEEP-BEEP,GET OUT OF MY WAY.

"I DO NOT USE MY BRAKESIN MY SPORTS CAR.

"BEEP-BEEP-BEEP.

LA DOLCE VITA, BAMBINA."

'CAUSE I'M ALWAYS LOOKINGFOR THAT PLACE, YOU KNOW?

WHERE THERE'S NO REDNECKS

THAT PLACEWHERE PEOPLE GET ALONG

AND I NEVER FIND IT.

I WENT TO AUSTRALIA, RIGHT?

AND I THOUGHT AUSTRALIAWAS GOING

TO BE A GROOVY, SURFNOID

SMOKE-A-JOINT, WOMBAT,YOU KNOW...

( Australian accent ):"G'DAY, MATE.

NO WORRIES," YOU KNOW...

AND IT'S LIKE ARKANSASWITH A BEACH.

IT'S A WHOLE COUNTRY WITHA "NO FAT CHICKS" STICKER ON IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

"SHORT ON THE TOP,LONG IN THE BACK.

SETS OFF MY GOLD CHAIN."

( goofy laugh )

AND AUSTRALIANS, THEY HATE...THEY HATE...

WELL, THEY HATE ENGLISH PEOPLE,BUT THAT'S GENETIC MEMORY.

THEY HATE AMERICANS AND THEY...WHICH BLEW MY MIND.

THEY BLAME US FOR STUFF

THAT I DIDN'T KNOWWE WERE ON THE HOOK FOR.

I HAD AN AUSTRALIAN GUY TELL ME

( Australian accent ):"LISTEN, MATE

WE DIDN'T HAVE CRIMETILL AMERICA."

"YOU DIDN'T HAVE CRIME?"

LOGIC TRAIN!

( imitates train passing )

THEY'RE NOT GOING TO COME UP

WITH A LOT OF GOODNESS,YOU KNOW?

EVERY TIMEAN ELECTION COMES AROUND

THERE'S ALWAYS THAT SAME MESSAGEOF LOVE IN THIS COUNTRY.

( rural accent ):"YOU KNOW WHAT'S WRONGWITH THIS COUNTRY?

( sniffs )

PEOPLE FROM OTHER COUNTRIES."

( snarling )

( imitating Alien creature )

OF COURSE,PEOPLE FROM OTHER COUNTRIES.

NOW, WE'RE AMERICANS.

TECHNICALLY,WHO IS FROM THIS COUNTRY?

ONLY THE INDIANS

WHO WE GRACIOUSLY LET DWELLON THEIR NATIVE CASINOS.

WE ALL CAME OVER IN A BOATONE WAY OR ANOTHER, RIGHT?

AND WHY IS IT ALWAYS

THE UGLIEST WHITE PEOPLEWITH THIS MESSAGE?

"THE WHITE RACE ISTHE SUPERIOR RACE.

"WE MUST NEVER ALLOWTHE INFERIOR BLOOD

OF THE MUD PEOPLETO TEAR OUR SUPERIORITY."

YOU'RE, LIKE, "OH, ( bleep )...

"HOLY COW.

YOU SHOULD... DATE AROUNDIS WHAT YOU SHOULD DO."

( laughter and applause )

Man:WHOO!

"YOU'VE GOT GILLSAND A POINTED HEAD AND...

"DATE OUTSIDEYOUR IMMEDIATE FAMILY IS

"MY ADVICE TO YOU.

"SEEK OUT THE SWARTHY-SKINNED,ALMOND-EYED PEOPLE.

"I THINK YOU'LL FIND THEM

A REFRESHING DIPIN THE GENE POOL."

I MEAN, IF YOU WANTTO LIVE IN WHITE WORLD...

IF YOU WANT TO EXPERIENCE

THE STULTIFYING BOREDOMAND PENETRATING ENNUI

THAT HOMOGENEITY CAN BRING

YOU CAN GO TO CANADAANY DAY OF THE YEAR.

IT'S AN ENTIRE COUNTRYNAMED "DOUG."

YEAH, BUT IT'S LOVELY THERE.

IT'S REALLY LOVELY, YOU KNOW.

OUR COUNTRY SMELLS LIKE URINE,YOU KNOW.

CANADA'S PINE FRESH.

'CAUSE WHITE PEOPLEDO NOT COME UP

WITH THE GOOD MUSIC,LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

LET'S BE VERY, VERY HONEST.

OH, THEY CAN PLAY MUSIC...

BUT THEY DON'T INVENTTHE GOOD MUSIC...

AND THE CROWD GOES QUIET.

( laughing )

"BUT, GREG...

"WHITE PEOPLE INVENTED POLKA...

"AND GREGORIAN CHANTS...

AND COUNTRY."

I REST MY CASE.

( laughing )

( audience laughing )

WHITE PEOPLEDID NOT INVENT BLUES

OR SAMBA OR SALSA OR JAZZOR ROCK AND ROLL OR HIP-HOP

OR REGGAE, OR ANYTHING...THAT'S FUN, BECAUSE...

"BUT WHY, GREG, WHY?

"WHY DIDN'T WHITE PEOPLE INVENTTHOSE THINGS?

"THEY PRODUCE THEM AND TAKEALL THE MONEY FOR THEM."

( cheering and applause )

BECAUSE IT REQUIRES HIP MOVEMENT

OF THE PELVIC REGION...DURING THE DANCING PROCESS...

AND A CERTAIN LOOSENESSOF CHARACTER

WHICH WHITE PEOPLEDO NOT POSSESS

NOR ARE THEY ANY GOOD ATAT ANY POINT.

YOU'VE SEEN PEOPLE FROMOTHER COUNTRIES DANCE, RIGHT?

BRAZILIANS, DURING CARNIVAL--IT'S FABULOUS, RIGHT?

FEATHERS IN THEIR HAIR

BREASTS HANGING OUTMIDDLE OF THE DAY

BEADS COMING OFF THEIR BUTT.

"OBA, OBA, WHOO!"

( bleep ) PUMPING,( bleep ) POUNDING...

REAFFIRMATIONOF OUR HUMANITY, RIGHT?

YOU DON'T SEEA LOT OF REDNECKS MARCHING

THROUGH PHOENIXON MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY

WITH FEATHERS IN THEIR HAIRAND BEADS ON THEIR BUTT, DO YOU?

( rural accent ):"GOSH, I FEEL FREE."

WHITE PEOPLE INVENTED, LIKE,SWISS CLOCK DANCING.

( humming and clicking tongue )

"WHOO! HEIDI, LITTLE GOAT GIRL,YOU ARE KICKING THE JAM!

"WHOO, YOU GOT

"MY LEDERHOSEN IN A SITUATION.

"MMM, AND THIS FOOD,IT'S SO DELICIOUS.

"WHAT IS THIS,PURE CHEESE IN THIS FONDUE?

GOD BLESSOUR WHITE CULINARY HERITAGE."

YOU LEAVE WHITE PEOPLE ALONE

IN CONSTANT ISOLATIONFOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS

YOU KNOW WHATTHEIR MUSICAL CONTRIBUTION

IS GOING TO BE?

RIVERDANCE!

"I CAN'T MOVE MY HIPS.

"I CAN'T MOVE MY HEAD...

"BUT BELOW THE ANKLES

"I AM A ROCKIN' BAGOF GAELIC SEX.

OH, YES, I AM."

THANK YOU VERY MUCH,LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

PEACE.

( cheering and whistling )

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