October 1, 2015 - Ryan Adams

  • 10/01/2015

Donald Trump proves to be a viable African president, The Best F#@king News Team Ever celebrates autumn, and Ryan Adams covers Taylor Swift's songs from his album "1989."

I'VE BEEN FOLLOWING THE

PRESIDENTIAL RACE AND I'VENOTICED A FEW PIECES OF

CONVENTIONAL WISDOM HAVE FORMEDAROUND THE CANDIDATES.

NONE MORE THAN WITH DONALDTRUMP.

>> SIX IN 10 AMERICANS BELIEVETRUMP IS UNQUALIFIED TO SERVE AS

PRESIDENT.

>> HE'S NOT QUALIFIED TO BEPRESIDENT.

>> UNFIT TO BE PRESIDENT.

>> UNFIT TO BE COMMANDER INCHIEF.

>> THE "DES MOINES REGISTER"WRITING TRUMP IS, "NOT ONLY

UNFIT TO HOLD OFFICE BUT UNFITTO STAND ON THE SAME STAGE AS

HIS REPUBLICAN OPPONENTS."

>> Trevor: HE'S UNFIT FOR THATSTAGE?

NO, THAT STAGE IS UNFIT FORTRUMP.

THERE'S NO MARBLE, NO GOLD.

WHERE ARE THE WOMEN IN BIKINIS?

AND HOW WOULD HE EVEN GET THERE?

THERE'S NO ESCALATOR.

COME ON, PEOPLE.

SO THE COMPLAINTS ABOUT TRUMP ISTHAT HE'S UNPRESIDENTIAL, AND IT

STEMS FROM CERTAIN STATEMENTSTHAT HE'S MADE.

>> WHEN MEXICO SENDS ITS PEOPLE,THEY'RE BRINGING DRUGS.

THEY'RE BRINGING CRIME, THEIRRAPISTS, AND SOME, I ASSUME, ARE

GOOD PEOPLE.

>> Trevor: AND YOU KNOW WHATTHEY SAY-- WHEN YOU ASSUME

YOU'RE THE BEST AT ASSUMING.

TRUMP.

( LAUGHTER )

I KNOW THESE COMMENT ABOUTIMMIGRANTS WERE UPSETTING TO

SOME PEOPLE, BUT FOR ME ASAN AFRICAN, THERE'S JUST

SOMETHING FAMILIAR ABOUT TRUMPTHAT MAKES ME FEEL AT HOME.

>> THE INFLUX OF ILLEGALMIGRANTS, CRIME, UNFAIR BUSINESS

PRACTICES, DRUGS.

>> IT IS ALSO NOT TRUE THAT ALLFOREIGN NATIONALS ARE INVOLVED

IN CRIMINAL ACTIVITIES.

THERE ARE SOME WHO ARE, BUT NOTALL OF THEM.

>> Trevor: I LOVE HOW WE ALLWAIT, HE'S NOT SO-- AHH.

THAT IS SOUTH AFRICAN PRESIDENTJACOB ZUMA SOUNDING A LOT LIKE

DONALD TRUMP.

YOU SEE, THAT SIR, LIKEXENOPHOBIA WITH A I DASH OF

DIPLOMACY, WHICH IS ALSO THETITLE OF PAULA DEEN'S NEW BOOK.

( APPLAUSE )

SO I DON'T SEE WHAT'SUNPRESIDENTIAL ABOUT DONALD

TRUMP.

I MEAN, HERE'S ANOTHER THING HEUNNECESSARILY TOOK HEAT FOR.

>> AUTISM HAS BECOME ANEPIDEMIC.

THE BEAUTIFUL CHILD WENT TO HAVETHE VACCINE, AND CAME BACK AND A

WEEK LATER GOT A TREMENDOUSFEVER, GOT VERY, VERY SICK, NOW

IS AUTISTIC.

>> Trevor: NOW, WAS THATFACTUAL?

NO.

( LAUGHTER )

BUT WAS IT PRESIDENTIAL?

DEPENDS WHERE YOU COME FROM.

>> GAMBIAN PRESIDENT YAHYAJAMMEH SAYS HE CAN CURE AIDS

WITH HERBS AND BANANAS.

HE ADMITS THERE'LL ALWAYS BESOME SKEPTICS, BUT HE SAYS

QUOTE, MINE IS NOT AN ARGUMENT,MIND IS PROOF.

IT'S A DECLARATION.

I CAN CURE AIDS, AND I WILL.

>> Trevor: THAT IS RIGHTRIGHT.

THE PRESIDENT OF GAMBIA SAYS HECAN CURE AIDS WITH BANANAS, AND

I CAN ALSO CURE CANCER, USINGAIDS!

IF ONLY I HADN'T CURED ALL THATAIDS.

AAHHH!

CRAZY THINGS.

BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY.

WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS DONALDTRUMP IS PRESIDENTIAL.

HE JUST HAPPENS TO BE RUNNING ONTHE WRONG CONTINENT.

IN FACT, ONCE YOU REALIZE THATTRUMP IS BASICALLY THE PERFECT

AFRICAN PRESIDENT, YOU START TONOTICE THE SIMILARITIES

EVERYWHERE.

LIKE THE LEVEL OF SELF-REGARD.

>> I SAY NOT IN A BRAGGADOCIOUSWAY, I'VE MADE BILLIONS AND

BILLIONS OF DOLLARS.

I MADE A TREMENDOUS AMOUNTOF MONEY.

I'M REALLY RICH.

I HAVE A GREAT TEMPERAMENT.

THEY LOVE ME ANYWAY, I DON'THAVE TO DO THIS.

I'VE DONE AN AMAZING JOB.

I WAS BORN WITH A CERTAININTELLECT.

GOD HELPED ME BY GIVING ME ACERTAIN BRAIN.

>> Trevor: I BET THAT'S THEONE TIME GOD IS LIKE, "I TONIGHT

NEED THE PRAISE, IT'S COOL.

THAT'S YOU, THAT'S YOU. I'MCOOL.

IS THAT EXTRAORDINARY LEVEL OFBRAGGING PRESIDENTIAL?

LET'S ASK A MAN WHO ACTUALLY WAS PRESIDENT.

IDI AMIN, FORMER PRESIDENT ANDBEST PRESIDENT OF UGANDA.

>> PEOPLE LOVE ME VERY MUCH.

I AM VERY POPULAR.

I AM VERY POWERFUL.

I AM THE LONE WHO HAS GOT THEMONEY.

I HAVE GOT A VERY GOOD BRAIN.

>> Trevor: I HAVE A VERY GOODBRAIN, AND I KNOW THIS BECAUSE

EVERY TIME I ASK PEOPLE IF IHAVE A GOOD BRAIN, THEY SAY,

OF COURSE, MR. PRESIDENT.

NOW PLEASE LET ME FAMILY GO,YOU'VE ALREADY KILLED MY

SISTER.

I THINK YOU PROVED YOUR POINT.

JUST TO MAKE SURE EVERYONE KNEWHOW SUCCESSFUL HE WAS, IDI AMIN

INSISTED ON ALWAYS BEING TO BEREFERRED TO BY HIS FULL TITLE --

AND THIS IS COMPLETELY TRUE.

HIS EXCELLENCY PRESIDENT FORLIFE, FIELD MARSHALL, DR. IDI

AMIN DADA, V.C, D.S.O., M.C.,LORD OF ALL THE BEASTS OF THE

EARTH AND FISHES OF THE SEA ANDCONQUEROR OF THE BRITISH EMPIRE

IN AFRICA IN GENERAL AND UGANDAIN PARTICULAR.

LUCKILY IDI AMIN DIDN'T OWN ANYCASINOS.

IN FACT, TRUMP IS SO AFRICANPRESIDENTIAL, HE'S ALREADY AT

THE LEVEL OF ZIMBABWE'SPRESIDENT, ROBERT MUGABE, WHOSE

BRUTALITY AND OPPRESSIVE TACTICSHAVE KEPT HIM IN POWER FOR 35

YEARS.

>> MY PEOPLE HAVE GREAT PRAISEFOR ME.

>> PEOPLE LOVE ME, EVERYBODYLOVES ME.

>> THE LITTLE MAN.

>> HE'S VERY LOW ENERGY.

>> LAND IS OURS, IT'S NOTEUROPEAN.

IT'S OUR LAND.

AND WE HAVE TAKEN IT.

>> WE'LL TAKE OUR COUNTRY BACK.

>> WE WILL WIN. WE WIN ALL THETIME.

>> WE WILL HAVE SO MUCH WINNING,IF I GET ELECTED, THAT YOU MAY

GET BORED WITH WINNING.

( APPLAUSE )

>> Trevor: I FEEL LIKE I'MWINNING RIGHT NOW!

IT'S REALLY GREAT TO KNOW IFANYTHING EVER HAPPENS TO TRUMP

WE HAVE A BACKUP COPY IN AFRICA.

I LIKE THAT.

ACTUALLY, NOW THEY THINK ABOUTIT, TRUMP REMINDS ME OF ONE

AFRICAN LEADER IN PARTICULAR.

WEIRD HAIR?

CHECK.

LAVISH LIFESTYLE?

CHECK.

FRINGE, DISCREDITED VIEWS ABOUTPRESIDENT OBAMA'S ORIGINS?

>> ( translated ): AND ALONGCAME A BLACK CITIZEN OF KENYAN

AFRICAN ORIGIN, A MUSLIM.

HIS NAME IS OBAMA.

>> Trevor: CHECK.

OH, AND THERE'S ONE MORE THING.

>> GADDAFI PUT UP A TENT IN THETOWN OF BEDFORD ABOUT 40 MILES

OUTSIDE OF NEW YORK CITY, THEPROPERTY IN WESTCHESTER COUNTY,

WHERE THEY'RE SETTING UP THATTENT IS OWNED BY NONE OTHER THAN

DONALD TRUMP.

>> Trevpr: THAT'S RIGHT.

WHEN MUAMMAR GADHAFI CAME TOAMERICA, HE COULD HAVE STAYED

ANYWHERE, BUT ONLY PLACE HE FELTTRULY AT HOME WAS IN DONALD

TRUMP'S YARD.

NOW JUST, BY THE WAY, OURLAWYERS TOLD US WE HAVE TO

MENTION THAT TRUMP TOLD GADHAFITO TAKE THE TENT DOWN, AND YOU

SEE, YOU TO BE CAREFUL WHAT YOUSAY ABOUT DONALD TRUMP IN

PUBLIC.

NOT UNLIKE AN AFRICAN PRESIDENT.

I UNDERSTAND THAT TRUMP IS ALITTLE SCARY.

AND A LITTLE EXOTIC FOR SOME.

A LITTLE OUT OF AMERICA'SCOMFORT ZONE.

BUT THIS GREAT COUNTRY ISCAPABLE OF BOLD LEAPS.

IT TOOK ONE IN 2008 WHEN ITELECTED ITS FIRST BLACK

PRESIDENT AND NOW IN 2016, I SAYIT IS TIME TO BE BOLD ONCE MORE

AND ELECT AMERICA'S FIRSTAFRICAN PRESIDENT.

AND WHEN THAT HAPPENS, WHEN ATRUE AFRICAN FINALLY ENTERS THE

OVAL OFFICE THE PEOPLE OF AFRICAWILL ERUPT INTO SONGING OF

PRAISE.

(SPEAKING IN XHOSA)... MEXICANRAPISTS.

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE )

WE DON'T HAVE A WORD FOR MEXICANRAPISTS.

AS YOU MAY REMEMBER, THIS WEEKPUTIN AND OBAMA MET AT THE U.N.

TO DISCUSS GOING HALFSIES ON ANHBOGO ACCOUNT AND ALSO THE WORLD

STRATEGY FOR DEALING WITH ISIS.

>> DAYS AFTER MEETING WITH OURPRESIDENT, VLADIMIR PUTIN

ORDERED THESE AIR STRIKESIN SYRIA.

>> MOSCOW CLAIMS IT'S TARGETINGISIS STRONGS HOLDS BUT THAT IS

NOT WHERE THOSE BOMBS SEEM TO BEFALLING.

>> CHARGES THAT RUSSIANWARPLANES ARE NOT HITTING ISIS

THERE, BUT FIGHTERS TRAINED ANDARMED BY THE C.I.A.

>> Trevor: JUST AFTER THEBOMBING PUTIN RAN INTO THE ROOM

WEARING GLASSES AND SUSPENDERSSAYING, "DID I DO THAT?"

THAT WOULD BE THE BEST SHOWEVER.

FOR MORE ON THE DEVELOPINGSYRIAN CONFLICT, WE HAVE SENIOR

GEOPOLITICAL CORRESPONDENTJORDAN KLEPPER.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> SO GOOD.

>> Trevor: JORDAN, WHAT AREYOU DRINKING?

>> SORRY, IT'S PUMPKIN SPICELATTE.

>> Trevor: I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

>> SORRY, A PUMPKIN IS LIKE ANATIVE GORD--

>> I KNOW WHAT A PUMPKIN IS.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU'REDRINKING IT ON THE SHOW.

I ASKED YOU TO COVER SYRIA.

>> DID SOMETHING HAPPEN INSYRIA.

>> Trevor: ARE YOU BEINGSERIOUS.

WHAT ARE YOU REPORTING ON?

IT'S OCTOBER FIRST, I'VE BEENREPORTING ON THE REAL BIG, REAL

NEWS.

>> PUMPKIN-FLAVORED PRODUCTS AREONCE AGAIN TAKING OVER.

>> PUMPKIN-PALOOZA.

>> SALES OF PUMPKIN SPICEPRODUCTS TOPPED $361 MILLION

LAST YEAR.

>> PUMPKIN SPICE LATTES.

>> PUMPKIN SANDWICHES.

>> PUMPKIN-FLAVORED BEER.>> PUMPKIN MARSHMELLOWS.

>> PUMPKIN-SPICED SAUSAGES ANDFLAVORED VODKA.

>> 40% OF US LIKE PUMPKIN SPICEANYTHING.

>> AND THERE'S ONLY ATHREE-MONTH WINDOW TO FEEL THAT

LOVE.

AFTER THAT IT'S JUST THE GRAYDEATH MARCH OF SPRING AND

SUMMER.

>> Trevor: I DON'T UNDERSTANDTHIS, JORDAN.

SYRIA IS EXPLODING AND YOU'REWASTING TIME ON PUMPKIN SPICE?

>> NO, YOU'RE WASTING TIME.

THE PUMPKIN SPICE IS BLOWING UPNOW.

SYRIA WILL BE BLOWING UP ALLYEAR ROUND.

YOU HAVE EVER HAD A PUMPKINSPICE LATTE IN JUNE?

IT TASTES LIKE CAT PISS.

BUT IN OCTOBER.

MMM-MMM.

IT'S LIKE YOU'RE TONGUINGTHANKSGIVING WHILE

HIGH-FIVING HALLOWEEN.

YOU BETTER GET WITH THE PUMPKINPROGRAM BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT

TO END UP LIKE THIS GUY.

>> LEN GIGANTE TRIED TO START ANATIONAL ANTI-PUMPKIN DAY.

>> WE DON'T EAT CHRISTMAS TREES.

WE SHOULDN'T EAT PUMPKINS.

>> IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT, TOSPEND OCTOBER NOT EATING

PUMPKINS AND SPEND DECEMBER NOTEATING CHRISTMAS TREES.

>> Trevor: THAT DOESN'T MAKESENSE?

>> IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT, ITKIND OF DOES.

>> Trevor: AND WHO WAS THATGUY?

>> ACTUALLY, A FUNNY STORY.

>> THE FORMER HOSTAGE NEGOTIATORFROM CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA

FEELS HE'S BEING HELD HOSTAGE BYTHE AUTUMNAL SQUASH.

>> Trevor: WOW, A FORMER HOSTAGENEGOTIATOR TURNED ANTI-PUMPKIN

SPICE ACTIVIST.

HOW DID HE END UP THERE?

>> PROBABLY NOT VERY GOOD ATHOSTAGE NEGOTIATION.

>> Trevor: YEAH, RIGHT?

(CROSS-TALKING MOCKINGLY)

BACK TO THE NEWS.

SYRIA.

LET'S GO LIVE TO THE CAPITALWHERE WE CHAT WITH OUR NEW

SENIOR GEOPOLITICALCORRESPONDENT, DESI LYDIC.

>> TREVOR, I'M HERE IN WAR-TORNDAMASCUS WHERE VLADIMIR

PUMPKIN'S AIRSTRIKES --

>> Trevor: I'M SORRY, DID YOUSAY VLADIMIR PUMPKIN?

IS THAT PUMPKIN PATCH EVEN INSYRIA, DESI?

>> NO.

>> Trevpr: WHAT IS HAPPENINGTO MY STAFF?

YOU'RE ALM PUMPKIN SPICEADDICTS.

JORDAN WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> I'M COOL, BRO.

I'M COOL.

>> Trevor: ARE YOU SNORTINGPUMPKIN SPICE?

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE.

ROY, IS ROY WOOD, JR. OUT THERE.

ROY WOOD, JR., PLEASE TELL ME,PLEASE--

OH, NO.

IS THAT A PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE,ROY.

>> BLACK FOLKS DON'T DRINKPUMPKIN.

>> Trevor: THANK GOD.

>> IT'S A SWEET POTATO LATTE.

>> THAT IS GROSS.>> Trevor: THIS IS INSANE.

>> REALLY, TREVOR?

LOOK, YOU KNOW WHAT, TREVOR.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, PUMPKINSPICE COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR,

LIKE CHRISTMAS OR JEWISHCHRISTMAS.

( LAUGHTER )

WE AMERICANS CLING TO THESEFLEETY MOMENTS, NOT KNOWING IF

THAT PUMPKIN SPICE DONUT COULDBE OUR LAST.

I GUESS WHERE YOU COME FROM, YOUDON'T KNOW WHAT SCARCITY IS.

>> Trevor: REALLY?

>> YUP.