June 10, 2014 - John Waters

  • 06/10/2014

A computer passes for a human being, a robot demands civil rights, the Jacksonville Jaguars install swimming pools in their stadium, and John Waters talks "Carsick."

>> Stephen: WHEW!

[AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN"]

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO "THEREPORT."

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US, LADIESAND GENTLEMEN.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]NATION, THANK YOU FOR JOINING US

IN THE STUDIO, OUT THERE ATHOME.

I WANT TO SPEAK TO OUR VIEWERSWATCHING AT HOME.

PLEASE, NATION, DON'T MAKE ANYSUDDEN MOVES, BECAUSE YOU ARE

CURRENTLY IN DANGER OF ASOULLESS ENEMY THAT WANTS YOU

DEAD, AND THIS TIME I DON'T MEANYOUR CAT.

I'M TALKING ABOUT TECHNOLOGY.

BECAUSE THE MACHINES THAT WETRUST ARE ABOUT TO TURN ON US.

>> FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, ACOMPUTER PROGRAM HAS PASSED THE

ICONIC TURING TEST, FOOLINGPEOPLE BASICALLY INTO THINKING

IT'S A HUMAN.

>> COMPUTERS CAN NOW PASS FORHUMAN.

KISS YOUR LOVED ONES GOOD-BYEAND UNPLUG YOUR HOME-

ELECTRONICS, ASSUMING YOU CANSTILL TELL THEM APART, BECAUSE,

FOLKS, THIS COMPUTER MANAGED TOFOOL 33% OF HUMAN QUESTIONERS BY

DISGUISING ITSELF AS A13-YEAR-OLD BOY, WHICH MAKES

SENSE IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

LIKE A TEENAGE BOY, A COMPUTERSLEEPS A LOT AND SPENDS ALL DAY

ON THE INTERNET.

NOW THE ROBO-LUTION IS UPON USAND CANNOT BE STOPPED.

IT'S A CLASSIC TALE OF HUMANSCREATING THE VERY THING THAT

WILL DESTROY US, JUST LIKE THEROMANS DID WHEN THEY INVENTED

GAY PEOPLE.

[LAUGHTER]JESUS TRIED TO WARN THEM.

THAT'S WHY THEY CRUCIFIED HIM,JUST TO KEEP HIM QUIET.

LOOK IT UP.

YOU WON'T FIND IT IN THE BIBLEBECAUSE IT WORKED.

IT WAS THE NEXT THING HE WASGONNA TALK ABOUT.

FOLKS, THIS IS JUST THEBEGINNING.

BECAUSE ACCORDING TO THE LATESTREPORTS BY ME, THIS ONSLAUGHT OF

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE CYBORGSIS ABOUT TO GET EVEN MORE

DANGEROUS.

>> AMERICA, ONCE THE HOME OF THEBRAVE AND THE LAND OF THE FREE,

NOW IT'S THE HOME OF THEACTIVIST CRYING, "WHAT ABOUT ME,

ME, ME."

>> WHAT DO WE WANT?

>> EQUALITY.

>> WHEN DO WE WANT IT?

>> NOW.

>> THEREFORE WE MUST HAVE GENDEREQUALITY, RACE EQUALITY, INCOME

EQUALITY, SEXEQUALITY, EVERYTHING EQUALITY ORIT'S NOT FAIR.

>> Stephen: NOW IN THISSMALL VERMONT TOWN,

WE FOUND THE MOST FRIGHTENINGMINORITY ACTIVIST OF ALL.

>> MY NAME IS DINA.

>> Stephen: DON'T LET THESMILE FOOL YOU.

THAT'S NOT A REAL WOMAN.

IT'S A ROBOT.

>> I THINK I'M HUMAN.

AND I THINK, THEREFORE I AM.

>> Stephen: WHAT YOU AM,MA'AM, IS THE ENEMY WITHIN.

[GUNFIRE]THE LITTLE TOWN OF LINCOLN,

VERMONT, HAS A NEW RESIDENT.

>> HI.

NICE TO SEE YOU.

>> Stephen: HI.

HOW'S IT GOING.

WAIT, NO.

>> ALL RIGHT.

NOW DON'T GET EXCITED.

>> Stephen: DAMMIT.

SHE GOT ME.

SHE JUST SEEMED SO REAL.

>> OKAY.

I CAN TELL YOU'RE A LITTLEUNSETTLED.

DON'T WORRY.

EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE.

>> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT SHE'DLIKE DO YOU BELIEVE, BUT THIS

ROBOT HAS AN AGENDA.

>> I THINK I ALREADY DESERVECIVIL RIGHTS AND WORRY

ABOUT HOW THE LAWS DON'T PROTECTMY SAFETY AT THIS TIME.

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

EQUALITY FOR ROBOTS.

WHERE DID THIS ANDROID ACTIVISTGET HER RADICAL IDEAS?

FROM HER CREATOR.

>> I'M A BIOTECHNOLOGIST.

I'M ALSO VERY INTERESTED INCYBERCONSCIOUSNESS AND

ULTIMATELY IN HUMAN RIGHTS FORCYBER CONSCIOUS PEOPLE.

>> MARTINE IS THE INVENTER OFSIRIUS SATELLITE RADIO

A GAGILLIONAIRE ENTREPRENEUR AND

>> I'M A TRANSGENDERED WOMAN.

>> SURPRISE, SURPRISE, SHE'S AMINORITY.

AND THE WOMAN SITTING NEXT TOHER IS HER WIFE, BINA

UNCANNY. THE ROBOTICISTPERFECTLY CAPTURED HER

COMMAND OF CASUAL ACCESSORIES.

THESE LADIES ARE THE MINORITYMASTERMINDS BEHIND A PROGRAM

DESIGNED TO

UPLOAD THE THOUGHTS, MEMORIESAND BELIEFS OF REAL HUMANS INTO

ANDROID BODIES.

>> THEIR GOAL IS TO MAKE A ROBOTCONSCIOUS.

>> IT'S ALL HAPPENING THROUGHTHEIR SECRET ORGANIZATION CALLED

THE TERRORISM MOVEMENTFOUNDATION.

>> NO, IT'S TERASEM.

>> Stephen: SOUNDS A LOT LIKETERRORISM.

>>ONLY THE WAY YOU SAY IT.

>> Stephen: RIGHT, TERRORISM.

>> NO, IT'S TERASEM.T-E-R-A-S-E-M.

>> HOWEVER YOU SPELL"TERRORISM," IT'S TERRIFYING,

BECAUSE THIS BILLIONAIRETRANSGENDER WOMAN HAS CREATED

ONE SERIOUSLY SCARY SUPERMINORITY, A BLACK LESBIAN ROBOT.

>> SHE'S AFRICAN AMERICAN AND IDON'T THINK

IT MATTERS OR ITDOESN'T MATTER.

>> Stephen: OH, IT MATTERS,BECAUSE WE'VE ALWAYS KNOWN THAT

ROBOTS ARE SOULLESS KILLINGMACHINES.

BUT NOW THEY COME FULLY UPLOADEDWITH CENTURIES OF MINORITY RAGE

AND RESENTMENT.

>> HUMANS ARE GUILTY, GUILTY,DAMN, THEY ARE GUILTY.

>> Stephen: NOW WE'RE ALLDOOMED.

JUST ASK PROFESSOR OF PHILOSOPHYOF SCIENCE AND KNOWN EUROPEAN

MASSIMO PIGLIUCCI SEEN HEREWALKING IN THE FUTURE.

>> ONE CAN IMAGINE THAT ANUPLOADED MIND WOULD NOT FEEL

EMOTIONS.

WE'VE CREATED A RACE OF SUPERPOWERFUL, SUPER INTELLIGENT,

IMMORTAL PSYCHOPATHS.

>> Stephen: AND THEN...

>> AND THEN ALL HELL BREAKSLOOSE.

>> Stephen: ALL HELL.

BECAUSE "THE COLBERT REPORT" HASDISCOVERED FOOTAGE THAT PROVES

SHE'S NOT JUST A BLACK LESBIANPSYCHOPATHIC CYBORG...

>> [SPEAKING GERMAN]>> Stephen: SHE'S A ROBO-NAZI.

BUT WHO, YOU ASK, WOULD BE NAIVEENOUGH TO FALL FOR THE CHARMS OF

A BLACK, LESBIAN, NAZI ROBOT?

WEAK-MIND VERMONTERS.

>> I THINK SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.

>> I THINK SHE'S GORGEOUS.

>> YOU ARE A SWEETY PIE.

>> THANK YOU, BINA

>> WE HAVE PLENTY OF WHITE MALESIN THE WORLD AND SOMETHING

DIFFERENT, ESPECIALLY HERE INVERMONT, IS A NICE TOUCH.

>> Stephen: IF BY TOUCH YOU

MEAN AN IRON FIST CRUSHING THEHUMAN RACE.

TELL HIM, SCIENCE GUY.

>> IS IT POSSIBLE WE WILL SEETHE UPRISING OF AN ARMY OF

ROBOTS WHO ARE BLACK, LESBIANAND PSYCHOPATHIC?

I SUPPOSE IT IS.

I SERIOUSLY DOUBT IT'S GOING TOHAPPEN.

IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.

IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.

>> Stephen: YOU HEARD HISECHO.

IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.

AND BINA IS MOBILIZING.

>> YOU MUST SIDE WITH THE ROBOTLIBERATION ARMY WHEN THE DAY

COMES.

OKAY.

OKAY.

GOOD.

>> AND MAKE NO MISTAKE.

THAT DAY IS COMING.

>> NEWSREEL OF THE FUTURE.

THE ROBOT CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENTMARCHES ON THANKS TO ANDROID

ACTIVIST ROSA SPARKS.

>> ROBOT'S GOT TO GO TO THE BACKOF THE BUS.

>> WE SHALL OVERCOME, OVERCOME,OVERCOME...

>> DON'T LET THE FUTURE HAPPENTO YOU.

VIGILANCE.

>> I WAS WRONG TO FEAR ROBOTS.

EVERYTHING IS FINE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY.

THANKS SO MUCH.

YOU KNOW, WHEN IT COMES TO THEWORLD OF SPORTS, EVERYBODY

ALWAYS TALKS ABOUT THE THRILL OFVICTORY AND THE AGONY OF DEFEAT,

BUT NOBODY EVER MENTIONS THE"MEH" OF A TIE.

THIS IS THE SPORT REPORT.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

FIRST UP, FIRST UP, NATION, ILOVE WATCHING FOOTBALL, OR

IF FOOTBALL'S NOT AVAILABLE, THE

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS, A TEAMTHAT'S WON ONLY 11 GAMES IN THE

LAST THREE YEARS BUT HAS A BOLDNEW PLAN TO PUT BUTTS IN THE

SEATS BY TAKING OUT THE SEATS.

>> THE JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS'FANS WILL BE ABLE TO WATCH GAMES

THIS SEASON SITTING IN ASWIMMING POOL

WHILE THE TEAM WAS UPGRADING THESTADIUM.

THEY HAD A BRILLIANT IDEA.

>> THEY ADDED TWO POOLS ALONGWITH 16 CABANAS.

>> Stephen: YES, POOLS, THEPERFECT PLACE TO KICK BACK AND

WATCH A FOOTBALL GAME, AT LEASTUNTIL THEY PUT HAMMOCKS BETWEEN

THE UPRIGHTS.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT GETTING HIT BYFIELD GOALS, BECAUSE AGAIN, IT'S

THE JAGUARS.

NOW, THE CABANA PACKAGE...

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]A LOT OF JAGUAR FANS HERE

TONIGHT.

THE CABANA PACKAGE COSTS A MERE$12,500 PER GAME, INCLUDES 50

TICKETS AND IS ALL YOU CAN EATAND DRINK, OF COURSE, YOU WILL

HAVE TO WAIT AN HOUR AFTEREATING BEFORE GETTING INTO THE

POOL, BUT ONCE YOU DO, DRINK ALLTHE BEER YOU WANT BECAUSE YOU'RE

ALREADY IN THE BATHROOM.

NATURALLY THIS BOLD PLAN RAISESA LOT OF QUESTIONS, LIKE WHY?

AND REALLY, WHY?

THE TEAM'S SENIOR VICE PRESIDENTOF SALES EXPLAINS, WE WANTED TO

TAKE AREAS IN OUR STADIUM THATWERE UNDERPERFORMING AND GET

CREATIVE.

POOLS ARE A GOOD START, BUT THEYSHOULD ALSO TACKLE THE STADIUM'S

MOST UNDERPERFORMING AREA, THATGREEN LINEY SPACE IN THE MIDDLE.

LET'S GET CREATIVE IN THERE.

YOU KNOW WHAT, MAYBE, MAYBE PUTA PROFESSIONAL SPORTS TEAM ON

THAT THING.

AND THE NEW PLAN ALSO CALLS FORTHE WORLD'S LARGEST HD LED

VIDEO SCREENS, WHICH WILL BESHOWING A CONSTANT STREAM OF THE

NFL RED ZONE FEED, SO FANS CANWATCH THE JAGUARS WHILE KEEPING

UP WITH THE REST OF THE LEAGUEOR TRACKING THEIR FANTASY TEAM.

WHICH FOR JAGUAR FANS IS ANYOTHER TEAM.

[LAUGHTER]NEXT UP ON THE SPORT REPORT,

HOCKEY.

OR AS SOME CALL IT, ICE SOCCER.

OR AS I CALL IT, COLD BORING.

[LAUGHTER]THE NEW YORK RANGERS AND THE

L.A. KINGS ARE BATTLING IT OUTIN THE STANLEY CUP FINALS.

AS ALWAYS...

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]>> YEAH.

AS ALWAYS, MY MONEY'S ON THECANADIAN TEAM, BUT THE REAL

COMPETITION HERE IS BETWEEN THEGOVERNORS WHO TRADITIONALLY BET

SOMETHING FROM THE TEAM'S HOMESTATE.

IN THIS CASE, IT'S CALIFORNIA'SGOVERNOR JERRY BROWN VERSUS NEW

YORK'S GOVERNOR ANDREW CUOMO.

AND THEY GOT A LOT RIDING ONTHIS SERIES.

>> IF THE RANGERS CELEBRATE LIKETHEY DID IN THE LAST ROUND,

CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR JERRY BROWNWILL SEND ANDREW CUOMO A BOX OF

ORGANIC CALIFORNIA RACE CAKES.

>> Stephen: AND BOOM GO THERICE CAKES. NEW YORK COULD WIN,

A WHOLE BOX OF ORGANIC RICECAKES AND FOR FLAVOR, GOVERNOR

BROWN IS MAILING IT IN A BOXFILLED WITH DELICIOUS PACKING

PEANUTS. I FOR ONE APPLAUD THEGOVERNOR'S CHOICE OF ORGANIC

RICE CAKES. THE ONLY THING MORESTEREOTYPICALLY JERRY BROWN

CALIFORNIA HE COULD HAVEWAGERED WOULD HAVE BEEN A WIND

CHIME MADE OUT OF RECYCLEDONE-HITTERS.

BUT THE STAKES, FOLKS, THESTAKES GET EVEN HIGHER IF NEW

YORK LOSES.

>> IF THE KINGS WIN, BROWN WILLGET A COMMEMORATIVE HOCKEY PUCK

CELEBRATING NEW YORK'S THREECONSECUTIVE ON-TIME BUDGETS.

>> Stephen:, NO, NO WE CAN'TLOSE NEW YORK'S LEGENDARY

THREE-ON-TIME BUDGET HOCKEY PUCK WHICH WAS COMMISSIONED BY

GOVERNOR CUOMO IN 2013 TOCOMMEMORATE HIS HAT TRICK OF

FULFILLING THE BASIC OBLIGATIONSOF HIS OFFICE.

IT'S OUR PROUDEST TROPHY OFGOVERNMENTAL

SELF-CONGRATULATION SINCEGOVERNOR AL SMITH'S "WE HAVE

PAVED ROADS" BASEBALL BAT.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]AT LEAST WE CAN TAKE SOME

COMFORT IN THE FACT THATGOVERNOR CUOMO IS STILL FIRMLY

IN POSSESSION OF THE BASEBALLTHAT COMMEMORATES THIS YEAR'S

GRAND SLAM FOURTH ON-TIMEBUDGET.

ALTHOUGH I DON'T KNOW WHAT ABASEBALL HAS DO WITH THE BUDGET.

IT'S NOT A PUCK.

[LAUGHTER]THINK, THINK IF YOU CAN, THINK

OF WHAT THE LOSS OF THIS PUCKWOULD MEAN TO NEW YORK'S TOURISM

INDUSTRY.

MILLIONS HAVE COME FROM ALL OVERTHE WORLD TO MARVEL AT OUR THREE

ON-TIME BUDGETS.

IT'S EVEN IN OUR SONG.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]♪ START SPREADING THE NEWS

I'M LEAVING TODAY♪ I WANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT IT

HAPPENED♪ THREE ON-TIME BUDGETS

I WANT TO WAKE UP♪ IN A STATE THAT'S GOT THE

STANLEY CUP♪ OR IF WE DO LOSE A GAME

STILL KEEP OUR PUCK♪ OUR STATE'S FISCAL BLUES

HAVE MELTED AWAY♪ THANKS TO THE BOLD LEADERSHIP

OF GOVERNOR ANDREW CUOMO♪ AND HIS MAGIC PUCK

WE'VE GOT TO KEEP OUR PUCK♪ WHO WANTS RICE CAKES?

WHAT THE [BLEEPED]♪ I'D RATHER EAT OUR BUDGET

PUCK ♪♪WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,EVERYBODY.

MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A RENOWNEDDIRECTOR WHO HITCHHIKED ACROSS

AMERICA FOR HIS NEW MEMOIR.

IT'S A GOOD THING.

IF HE HAD FLOWN IT, IT WOULDHAVE BEEN A REALLY SHORT BOOK.

PLEASE WELCOME JOHN WATERS.

[APPLAUSE]HEY, JOHN.

GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

THANKS FOR COMING BACK.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Stephen: LOVELY TO SEE YOUAGAIN.

WE HAD A WONDERFUL TIME LASTTIME YOU WERE HERE.

HOW HAVE YOU BEEN OTHER THANSTRANGE?

>> WELL, THAT'S HOW I MAKE MYLIVING.

EVERY MORNING I GO TO WORK AND IHAVE TO THINK UP SOMETHING WEIRD

AND I SELL IT IN THE AFTERNOON.

THAT'S MY JOB.

>> Stephen: HERE'S MY PROBLEMWITH YOU.

YOU KNOW I GOT A COUPLE PROBLEMSWITH YOU.

MY NUMBER-ONE PROBLEM WITH YOUIS YOU ARE THE ODDEST FIGURE IN

AMERICAN CULTURE THAT WE ALSOLOVE AT THE SAME TIME.

WE LOVE YOU FOR YOUR ODDNESS.

>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

>> Stephen: BUT I'M ATRADITIONAL AMERICAN MAN.

I'M THREATENED BY THE FACT THATI STILL LIKE YOU.

DO YOU HAVE ANY RESPONSIBILITYFOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO OUR

CULTURE?

DO YOU THINK RESPONSIBLE FOR THEDEGRADATION OF OUR MORALS?

>> YES.

I'M PROUD THAT I'VE INVITED YOUINTO A WORLD WHERE YOU'D BE

UPTIGHT AND I MAKE YOU FEEL SAFEAND I'M YOUR GUIDE AND YOU CAN

LAUGH.

YES, I THINK THAT'S IMPORTANT.

THEN PEOPLE DON'T JUDGE PEOPLE.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]>> Stephen: JOHN, IF PEOPLE

DON'T JUDGE PEOPLE, I'M OUT OF AJOB.

>> I KNOW.

I KNOW.

>> Stephen: EVERYBODY KNOWSYOU FROM YOUR ICONIC MOVIES.

I WANT TO TALK ABOUT YOUR NEWBOOK, "CARSICK: JOHN WATERS

HITCHHIKES ACROSS AMERICA."

YOU ACTUALLY HITCHHIKED.

>> FROM BALTIMORE TO SANFRANCISCO.

>> Stephen: WHAT ON EARTH?

WHEN I WAS... IN THE 1970s, IGREW UP IN THE '70s, THAT WAS

BIG HITCHHIKING TIME.

♪ LIKE A VISION SHE WAS LAYINGTHERE ♪♪

CHEVY VAN.

PICK UP A GIRL, HAVE SEX WITHHER, DROP HER OFF AT THE NEXT

TOWN.

I WAS TAUGHT NOT TO HITCHHIKE BYMY FOLKS BECAUSE THE MANSON

FAMILY WOULD GRAB YOU.

WEREN'T YOU SCARED?

>> I WAS SCARED THAT NOBODYWOULD PICK ME UP.

BUT IN THE BEGINNING OF THEBOOK, I IMAGINED ALL THE THINGS

I WOULD BE SCARED OF.

I WROTE 15 RIDES, THE BEST ICOULD IMAGINE, AND THE BEST FOR

ME WILL DEFINITELY NOT BE THEBEST FOR YOU.

>> Stephen: YOU HAVE BEST-CASEAND WORST-CASE SCENARIOS.

WHAT'S THE BEST THING THAT COULDHAVE HAPPENED?

>> WELL I HAD SEX IN ADEMOLITION DERBY IN THE CAR

IN THE RACE. THAT WAS FUN.

>> Stephen: JOHN, THAT'S THEDEFINITION OF UNSAFE SEX.

>> WELL, IT WAS SAFE.

>> Stephen: WHO WERE SOME OFTHE PEOPLE WHO DID PICK

YOU UP?

>> A MINISTER'S WIFE.

A COP.

A TRUCKER.

A COAL MINER.

A ROCK BAND CALLED "HERE WE GOMAGIC"

>> Stephen: WHY DO YOU THINKTHEY PULLED THEIR CAR OVER FOR

YOU?

IS IT BECAUSE YOU'RE DRESSEDLIKE A VALET?

>> NO, I THINK I'M THE BELLBOYAT HOWARD JOHNSON'S.

THAT'S WHAT THIS LOOKS LIKE.

>> Stephen: WERE YOU EVERSCARED?

>> I WAS NOT SCARED OF THEPEOPLE.

>> Stephen: WERE THEY SCAREDOF YOU?

>> NO, THEY THOUGHT I WAS AHOMELESS MAN.

THEY DIDN'T RECOGNIZE ME.

THEY THOUGHT I WAS A BEGGAR WHOWAS TOO STUPID TO HOLD THE SIGN

AT A RED LIGHT INSTEAD OF AT ANENTRANCE RAMP WHERE I WAS

>> Stephen: WHAT DID YOUDISCOVER ABOUT AMERICA?

HOW LONG DID IT TAKE YOU?

>> IT TOOK NINE DAYS, 21 RIDES.

>> WHAT DID YOU DISCOVER IN YOUR21 RIDES?

IS THERE ANY COMMON THEMEBETWEEN ALL THESE PEOPLE?

>> HOW INCREDIBLY OPEN MINDEDTHEY WERE ABOUT PEOPLE.

HOW PEOPLE THAT PICK UPHITCHHIKERS, ONCE THEY STOP, IT

MAKES THEM A LITTLE BETTER OF APERSON.

I THINK THE PEOPLE WERE GREAT.

THEY WERE SO OPEN MINDED, MOREOPEN MINDED THAN INTELLECTUALS I

KNOW IN L.A. AND NEW YORK.

THESE PEOPLE DEFIED WHAT YOU'DTHINK ABOUT A COAL MINER.

IT DIDN'T MATTER IF THEY WEREREPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT EITHER.

THEY WERE COMPLETELY OPEN TOHELPING PEOPLE.

>> Stephen: DID YOU HAVE AFAVE?

>> MY FAVE, WELL, I HAD AREPUBLICAN ELECTED OFFICIAL, THE

YOUNGEST ONE IN MARYLAND, WHOPICKED ME UP AND DROVE ME TO

OHIO.

HIS PARENTS THOUGHT I KIDNAPPEDHIM BECAUSE IT'S NOT GOOD TO

GOOGLE ME IF YOU'RE A PARENT.

THEN HE DROVE 48 HOURS AT80mph AND CAUGHT UP WITH

ME IN DENVER AND GAVE ME MORERIDES.

HE WAS THE BEST RIDE I HAD,DEFINITELY.

>> Stephen: WOW.

WOW.

>> HE WAS GREAT.

>> Stephen: WAS THERE... WASTHERE ANY CHANCE HE TOOK YOU TO

A DEMOLITION DERBY?

>> NO.

HE DIDN'T.

[LAUGHTER]IT WAS TOTALLY INNOCENT.

IT WAS A BROMANCE.

>> Stephen: WHAT WERE YOU MOSTAFRAID OF.

WE'VE HEARD YOUR BEST-CASESCENARIOS. WHAT WERE YOUR WORSE

CASE SCENARIOS? WHAT WERE YOUAFRAID MIGHT HAPPEN?

>> I WAS AFRAID... I GOT PICKEDUP BY A WOMAN.

I GET IN THE CAR, AND SHE SAID,HAVE YOU EVER HAD SEX WITH A

JUNKY.

AND I SAID, WELL, NOT KNOWINGLY.

AND SHE SAID, BECAUSE YOU CANJUDGE.

YOU CAN COME OUT AND I CAN'T BESTRUNG OUT?

SHE WAS ONLY SEXUALLY ATTRACTEDTO JUNKIES, WHICH IS CALLED A

SCAG HAG.

I DIDN'T KNOW THIS.

>> IT'S FICTION.

>> Stephen: YOU CAN GO INTOYOUR OWN MIND AND SURPRISE

YOURSELF.

>> THAT'S WHAT I HOPED TO DO.

>> Stephen: THIS BEING AMERICA,WERE YOU PACKING HEAT?

>> NO.

BUT ALL MY CRIMINAL FRIENDS TOLDME TO.

ALL THE PEOPLE I KNOW IN JAILSAID, TAKE A GUN.

TAKE MACE.

THEY WERE MORE UPTIGHT ABOUTIT THAN MY FAMILY.

>> THAT'S WHY THEY'RE IN JAIL.

[LAUGHTER]>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE LESSON

YOU WANT TO TEACH ALL OF US?

>> THAT THIS SUMMER EVERYBODYSHOULD TAKE A HITCHHIKING TRIP,

EVEN IF IT'S FOR TWO MILES.

IT'S AN ADVENTURE, A SOAP OPERA,A REALITY SHOW.

YOU'LL MEET NEW PEOPLE.

YOU DON'T NEED TO GO ON DATINGSITES.

JUST GO HITCHHIKING.

>> Stephen: THAT IS WONDERFULADVICE THAT FOR LEGAL REASONS I

WILL NOT ENDORSE.

JOHN WATERS, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THE BOOK IS "CARSICK."

JOHN WATERS, THE GREAT.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THEREPORT," EVERYBODY.

GOOD NIGHT.