January 20, 2016 - Sarah Palin's Trump Speech & Smart Sex

  • 01/20/2016

Sarah Palin endorses Donald Trump's presidential campaign, and Larry talks about the relationship between sex and intelligence with Dan Savage, Bobby Gaylor and Grace Parra.

Thank you very much.

Welcome to The Nightly Show.

Such a great audience.

Um, Irene from Oklahoma,here again tonight.

(whooping, applause)

You know...

Come on.

You know what,they say Oklahoma is OK,

but I say Irene is OK.That's what I say.

That's what I say, okay?

I'm... I am Larry Wilmore.

Oh, sex advice columnistDan Savage

on our panel tonight.I'm very excited about that.

We are...

We're just gonna... we're justgonna talk about sex tonight,

so stick around for that.That's gonna be a lot of fun.

No, seriously, we got... we gotsome fun stuff to talk about.

Wait till you see our panel,'cause it's gonna be fun.

Uh, hey, let's get right to it.So last week,

we talked about the contaminatedwater crisis in Flint, Michigan.

And as you may know,the officials have been derelict

in theirwater-delivering duties. Okay?

Let's just say the water's beena tad poisoned with lead.

And the poor peopleof Michigan--

they have so much metalin their bodies

that the Michigan Wolverineshave had to change their name

to the Michigan Wolverine.

Yup.

(exclaims)

(moans)

But don't worry,people of Flint.

Here at The Nightly Show we're not gonna

let this gountil this is resolved.

So let's check in now withThe Larry People vs. Flint.

-Yeah.-(water drips)

Oh, very good.

Now, since we firstreported on Flint,

President Obama called a stateof emergency

and national guard troopshave started

passing out water and filters.

But water bottles can onlyoffer temporary relief

for the devastating effectson Flint's tap water.

REPORTER: ...a 400% spike in legionnaire's disease

over the two years that they had different water--

Flint River water-- flowing through their taps.

Earlier today, we were at a resident's house.

The water coming into her bathtub was blue

and it had specks of black in it.

(audience groans)

The water was bluewith specks of black in it?

Of course, half of social media

believes it was whitewith specks of gold in it.

You know...

They were wrong.They were wrong.

#TheDress2015NeverForget.

You're-You're gonna seethat hashtag tonight, too.

Okay, now, who do the residentsof Flint blame for this?

REPORTER 2: They blame Governor Rick Snyder

for the toxic water crisis.

Protesters want Governor Snyder to resign.

Some are even calling for his arrest.

Okay, hold on, guys, now...

just because he's the governor

doesn't meanhe's the one to blame.

REPORTER 3: He knew about the tainted water

long before declaring a state of emergency.

Come on, get him!Let's get him!

Let's get him!

Come on!Y'all with me?

You poisoned that water,didn't you, boy?

Something just doesn't feelright about that.

I'm not sure what it is.

Even acting it out, you know?

But I'm not the only onewho has a pitchfork out.

This week,presidential candidates

also called outthe Michigan governor.

Uh, uh, Hillary implied that hedoesn't care about poor people

and Bernie Sandersdemanded his resignation.

Donald Trump, meanwhile,said, uh, uh...

well, this.

They've got a very difficultproblem, and I know

the governor's got a verydifficult time going.

But, you know, I shouldn'tbe commenting on Flint.

You shouldn'tbe commenting on Flint? Really?

Um, you recently wrote a tweet

saying you thinkSamuel L. Jackson

does too many commercials.

Mm...

But people being poisonedin Michigan

isn't worth your timeto weigh in on?

(grunts)

All right, so thisis an enormous story,

and only an idiot would expectsomeone running for president

not to comment on it.

All right, Governor Snyder,I believe that's your cue.

He tweets, "Political statementsand finger-pointing

from political candidatesonly distract

from solvingthe Flint water crisis."

And then the governoralso said, "Is it just me,

or is Sam Jackson doingway too many commercials?"

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I just... I added that.I added that, okay?

But you know, I love itwhen governors get all huffy.

Right? "Political statementsand finger-pointing.

This is unmitigated gall."

I mean,

if there's any timeto be pointing the finger,

it's when peopleare being poisoned

through their tap water.

I mean, why do you thinkwe have fingers?

So we can point.

That's why we got 'em.

(grunts)

All right, Governor.

W-We don'thave to point fingers.

We can just flip 'em.

It's up to you.

Why we have 'em.

All right, so Snyderhas apologized.

Uh, he's promisedto release all of his e-mails,

demanded $28 millionfor relief efforts in Flint

and said,"The time to act is now."

The only problem, governor,

the time to act is not now.

The time to act was beforeyou poisoned an entire city

to save a few hundred bucks.

All right. Now joining us nowto discuss the water crisis

and its effecton the poor people of Flint

is a residentand small business owner.

Please welcome ownerof Flint Water Adventure,

Tsunami Don.

(cheering, applause)

Hey, Larry.

-Hi, Lar.-Uh...

-Great to see you, man.-Oh, wait, hold on.

No, you're not still runningyour water park, are you?

Yeah.Why would we be closed?

I mean, people...people need an escape

from this water crisis, man.

They just needto have some fun, Larry.

Are you kidding me?People should

stay away from your place.The water is toxic.

Oh, here we go with thesepoliticized words like "toxic".

And, uh, "radiological".

And "poisoned children."Like, ugh...

When did America turn intoa land full of wusses, man?

In my day, we used to playwith everything, all right?

We used to eat peanutsin schools

and we used to let...

we used to let menplay football,

no matter how muchtheir brains...

shooken.

Um...

But now we havea better understanding

of the health risksthat these things represent,

especially the water in Flint.

Sorry, Larry, I'm having troublehearing you, man.

Uh, gettin' one of mypatented ear bleeds right now.

Patented ear bleeds?

Well, patent pending.I mean, I'm not...

I'm not a lawyer.

And don't freak out.It's not even really blood.

-It's more like a brainy,fluid-y thing. Uh... -Uh-huh.

I'm not gonna lie. I gotthis stuff leaking out of holes

I didn't even know I have. Ha.

You seem in pretty bad shape.

It's probably 'cause the waterprobably keeps eating new holes

-in your body.-Oh, man.

There you go, focusing onthe negative... (coughs) again.

You're not even thinkingabout having... (coughs) fun.

(coughing loudly)

-Are you all right? -Uh,excuse me. I... (coughing)

I just got to take a little swigof H2O here.

-Oh, my... D-Don't drink...-It's right from the...

-No, no, no, no, no. No, you'recrazy. -it's right from the tap.

Don't drink that. Look-look atwhat the water's doing to you.

-(coughing)-Are you all right?

(coughing)I'm, uh...

Listen...

Larry, I'm not gonna be a partof some...

PC, millennial (bleep), man.

-Some hand-sanitizing,(bleep) non-racist, -No...

-"we're scared of the water."It's all nonsense! -No, no, no.

That-that sentence doesn'teven make sense! You're dying!

Sorry.

You ever black out a little bitafter a glass of water?

-It happened.-No, I've never blacked out

after a glass of water!

That's not normal!

I'm fine, man.

I just got to go shed a layerof skin like a rattlesnake.

-Okay. All right, that's enough.-Here it comes!

-We'll be right back.We'll be right back. -All right!

Tsunami Don, everyone.He's crazy.

Okay, welcome back.

Big news yesterdayon the political landscape.

Uh, I'm sorry,did I say "landscape"?

I meant "hellscape."

So let's check inwith the Unblackening.

(dramatic music playing)

I'm here to support the nextPresident of the United States,

Donald Trump!

I got to say, "Yeah, I'll go.

Send me. You betcha."

Drill, baby, drill!

How 'bout the rest of us?

Right-wingin', bitter-clingin',

proud clingers of our guns,our god, our...

and our religions,and our Constitution!

(laughter, groaning)

Is she literally drunk?

I'm not even joking, you guys.

-She sounds wasted, right?-(audience agreeing)

"Right-wingin', bitter-clingin',

proud cl..."(repressed retching)

I mean, that's not evena word salad.

That's like a wordChipotle burrito bowl with...

extra e. Coli thrown in.

By the way, I can't believethey charge you $2.50

for the e. Coli at Chipotle now.Highway robbery.

I mean, but look at them. DonaldTrump and Sarah Palin together?

It's-it'sthese two empty vessels.

I-I don't even knowhow to explain the implications

when you get that much emptinessthat close together. I...

You know what, I think I needsomeone to explain this to me

in scientific terms.So, now, it turns out

Neil deGrasse Tysonwasn't available tonight,

so please welcomehis younger, nerdier cousin,

-Jaleel deGrasse Tyson,everybody. -Thank you.

Greetings, Larry! Greetings.

-Greetings. -Thank you, Jaleel.Thanks for coming to the show.

-Thrilled to be here, uh, tomake science accessible -Great.

-for the masses!-Great.

-Uh, well, actually, Jaleel,I wanted to talk to you -Yeah.

-about politics. Yes. Okay.-Oh, of course. Yes. Yeah.

So-so can you just help meunderstand what's going on

with this Trump-Palin thing?

It's just beyondmy comprehension.

Oh, that's-that'sunderstandable, but, uh,

Larry,it's very simple astrophysics.

Really? Astrophysics?

More like "ass"-trophysics.(chuckles)

Get it?

In that Palin and Trumpare both asses.

(chuckles)

I make science humorous!

-Yes. Very nice, very nice.Okay. -Yes.

Anyway, they're both, uh,such dense pockets

of unchecked stupidity, and themass of their egos is so great

a-and their pullon the news cycle is so strong

that there's really only oneprecedent in the entire universe

-for what's happening,-Okay.

and that is the convergenceof two black holes.

You are familiar withblack holes, are you not, Larry?

-Well, yeah.-Yeah.

I mean, it...You mean a section of space

where, like... where, like,gravity is so strong

that nothing can escape?

Yes, a massive dead star.

But enough about Sarah Palin!

(chuckles)

Now we're cookingwith noble gases!

Well, in the rare event

that you've, uh, got two blackholes sharing the same region

of space-time or holdinga press conference together,

their gravitational pull is suchthat they will slowly converge

-into one massive,roiling cauldron of suck. -Okay.

-Wait... -Now, that isa scientific term, by the way.

-Wait. Wait. "Suck"?-Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

And "succubus." Yes, yes.

Very much so.

"Suck" is a scientific term?

-(laughing): Yeah.-I didn't know that. Uh...

-Oh, okay. -Well-well,what can we do about this?

-Well, there's nothingwe can do, Larry. -Uh-huh.

You know? We're way pastthe event horizon here.

But it's-it's not lightthat-that cannot escape

this black hole. No, this is...this is enlightenment.

(chuckles)You get it?

-A little science humorcoming at you. -All right.

-I-I got it.-(chuckles)

You didn't need me here, Larry!

You get science.

We have so much in common,you know?

Because, uh, we both are funny.

And, uh, we both like scienceand stuff.

Um, I agree with the second partof your sentence.

-(laughing): Oh, I seewhat you did there. -Uh... Yeah.

Jaleel deGrasse Tyson, everyone.We'll be right back.

-No, I see what you did!(cheering and applause)

-Yeah! -Welcome back.I'm here with my panel.

First up, Nightly Show contributor Bobby Gaylor.

(cheering and applause)

And Nightly Show contributorGrace Parra.

(cheering and applause)

And author, sex columnist,and podcaster Dan Savage.

-GAYLOR: Yeah!-(cheering and applause)

And for everyone at home,join our conversation right now

on Twitter, @NightlyShow,using the hashtag, #Tonightly.

Okay, so I have to give youa little context.

We really wanted to do... Weknew Dan was coming on the show

and said, "Let's just havea sex panel and talk about sex."

We got Dan... Grace actuallydoes a sex, uh, talk show

-in L.A. sometimes, right?-Yes. Yes. It's at UCB.

-It's, like, a comedy talk show,right? -It's called Lady/Freak.

-Yep. -And Bobby Gaylor, I'veknown Bobby for years and years,

and no one hasa more unique take on sex.

-(laughter)-You ready?

WILMORE:Twisted... twisted is

the right word,so this'll be fun.

All right, so here's whatI want to throw out to you guys.

So, we just read this articlethat says, uh,

"Why Smarter PeopleHave Less Sex."

-All right.-PARRA: Well.

All right, stay with me here.

It cited studies that show

people with the highestintelligence

are havingthe least amount of sex.

I don't understand that.So, basically,

dumb people are having allthe sex, I guess, you know.

-I guess. -I've always thoughtof myself as smart, but

looking back, it kind of makessense now, 'cause I think, uh...

-It sounds to me like these werestudies that were done... -Yeah.

...by peoplewho were very smart--

-you got to be smartto do a study... -WILMORE: Yeah.

...who weren't getting laidand wanted to justify that...

-PARRA: Sure, exactly right.-WILMORE: Exactly.

...in a way that made it seemlike kind of a compliment?

-It's... -I know plenty of smartpeople who get laid.

Yeah, well, Einstein-- he was,like, a horn dog, wasn't he?

-He was like a...-Was he?

-Never sucked my (bleep).-Yeah, yeah, I can believe that.

Well, I think it's weirdthat they're afraid

to have sex because they might

-miss out on studies, and that'swhy I think... -PARRA: Yeah.

...doggy style isthe perfect position

to learnand have sex at the same time.

(applause and cheering)

You can have all your booksout in front of you.

SAVAGE: Yeah, there are somestudies that show that people

who have higher IQs delay,they call it "sexual debut."

-The first time you have sex.-GAYLOR: Sexual debut?

Not "losing your virginity."Your "debut."

-Such a nice term. "Sexualdebut." -PARRA: I love that.

-You're a sexual debutante.-Excuse me.

Uh, have you madeyour sexual debut?

-Exactly.-Yeah.

SAVAGE: And there are studiesthat show that kids who are

-smarter wait longer beforehaving sex. -WILMORE: Uh-huh.

And probably because they havea better accurate read

on the potential consequences.

WILMORE:Are they more scared, or...?

-Or they might have...-I'm guilty of this, by the way.

-Yeah. -But I also wentto an all-girl Catholic school,

-so that explains a lot of it.-WILMORE: Oh, okay.

-GAYLOR: Uh, tell us more.-Oh, sure, sure, sure.

-SAVAGE: I went to an all-boysCatholic school. -Did you?

-And we were all doing it, so...-(cheers and applause)

There was no waitingat an all-boy Catholic school.

That's exactlythe perfect distinction

-between boys and girls.-Yeah.

If you couldn't find a boyyour age who wanted to do it,

-there were plenty of priestsrambling around. -Oh!

Sex was happening at some point.

-(audience groaning)-Wow! -I've fortunately...

-That's where you learn the goodstuff. -That's right.

I think I've grown to the pointwhen now I feel

like sex is like breakfast.

It's... I think it's the mostimportant part of the day.

-WILMORE: Uh-huh.-You can skip it,

-but you're gonna be cranky allday if you do. -WILMORE: Yeah?

That's, uh, also somethingthat counts...

I'm cranky right now.

Dan, why do you think it's so...why do you think

it's so difficultfor people to talk about sex,

especially in relationships?

SAVAGE:Well, talking about it

in the context of a relationshipis really consequential.

-You know, all people fearrejection. -WILMORE: Yeah.

But if you tell the truth aboutwho you are sexually...

-WILMORE: Yeah. -...to somebodythat you want to be there

for you romantically orintimately or as a life partner,

you risk losing themif your stuff ain't their stuff.

Or if your stuff is a libidokiller for them...

-Yeah.-...they're gonna walk.

So people are oftenmuch freer being honest

-about what they want to dosexually... -WILMORE: Right.

-...with a sex worker or with aone-night stand. -PARRA: Yeah.

With somebody they're likelyto never see again,

-they'll be completely honest.-Yeah. -Yeah, it's...

With someone they're datingor they're married to--

-they hold it... -WILMORE:it seems counter-intuitive.

-It totally does. -Right. -Itdoes, 'cause you should want...

-I love you, but I'm telling younothing. -Yeah. -Right.

You should want to...

You don't want to wind upmarried to somebody who doesn't

want to do in the sack whatyou want to do in the sack.

-PARRA: Right. -So thatrejection you fear

-you should welcome.-WILMORE: Yeah.

Because if you lay it out,and they're gone,

they were the wrong person.

WILMORE: But meanwhile,you're not doing it

because you haven'tsaid anything, right?

There's no good time to bring up

-sex notes to somebody.It's like... -WILMORE: Yeah.

-...what do you do-- right aftersex? -SAVAGE: Three months.

-WILMORE: Is it worse...?-PARRA: Three months?

-Three months.-WILMORE: Is it worse for a...?

-Oh, three months? Really?-SAVAGE: Yeah.

PARRA: That was a very specificamount of time.

GAYLOR:I like that man.

Yeah, yeah,you demonstrate to them

that you're good at,like, general sex...

-Uh-huh. That's hilarious,right. -...vanilla sex.

-Everything offthe regular menu. -Really funny.

Column A, column B sex,

oral and vaginal, anal,and then, at three months,

you're, like,"Look, I'm really good

"at everything you like,you're really good at...

Here's column C.Here's the crazy."

Wait. We didn't just coverall of it just now?

-No! Oh, my God, no.-PARRA: There's a third...

-Oh, my God!-(applause)

-GAYLOR: Right. Yeah. Yeah.-WILMORE: We're about

-to make our kinky debut.-Right. Yes.

-(laughter) -SAVAGE: Everybody'sgot at least one kink.

-Everybody's got a column Cthing. -GAYLOR: Absolutely.

-PARRA: That's true. Mm-hmm.-At least one.

-GAYLOR: And men don't care,I think. -WILMORE: Right.

A lot of times, women will--

-since they're afraid to askyou... -WILMORE: Yeah.

Then, all of a sudden,they'll get to a point where,

you're in bed, and they'll be,like, "Do you like this?

What about this? Do you likethis?" You're, like, "Yeah.

"Shut up. I like it all.Just keep going.

Give me a cowboy kidney punch.I don't give a (bleep)."

The classic cowboy kidney punch.

"If I'm gonna have an orgasm,you can do anything."

Are there different rulesin the gay community?

Like in roles in sexand that type of thing?

-'Cause it's...-It's...

Normally, you hear about ittalked in male

-and female terms-- men likethis women like this. -Right.

How is it talked aboutin the gay community?

How does it break down?Like, bears like this...

What gay people haveover straight people...

Well, our super power,

the reason we're better at sexthan straight people are...

-WILMORE: Gay people?-GAYLOR: Whoa! -PARRA: Yeah.

And it's not becausewe're magic. We're that, too.

This has nothing to do with it.

We're better at sexbecause we...

WILMORE: Wait.There are magical Negroes, too.

-That's true.-GAYLOR: Yes!

If you could only bring, like,both together in the same movie.

-There you go. -Yeah, it'ssomething we have in common.

-Yeah. -And some of thosemagical negroes are also gay,

-'cause they're... -Exactly,right, right. -Doubly blessed.

-Gay people are compelled tocommunicate. -WILMORE: Uh-huh.

We're forcedto communicate in a way

-that straight peoplecan opt out of. -PARRA: Right.

-WILMORE: Oh, okay. That'sinteresting. -Like, when a man

and a woman go to bed together,what's gonna happen next?

They usually getto consent and stop talking

-about what they're gonna do.-Right.

They get to yes, and there'sgonna be vaginal intercourse.

-That is straight sex.-Yeah.

Two dudes get to "yes,"

and they look at each otherlike, now what?

-PARRA: Right. -Like,you have to keep talking.

We don't have the tab A,slot B default.

-PARRA: Right. -We got two tabsand two slots,

and who's gonna...who's gonna tab who?

-Right. That's hilarious.-PARRA: I think that's awesome.

-(applause and cheering)-I think that's awesome.

-What? -PARRA: Yeah!I think it's great!

Doesn't seems like a big problemfor me.

Because, you know, on the flipside of it is...

-And this is a problem...-WILMORE: Oh, on the flip side.

-Yeah.-Well, when... when... when...

We were talkingabout porn earlier today, too.

-WILMORE: Oh, yes. -The problemwith porn is that it feels like,

especially in heterosexual porn,porn ends when the man finishes.

-WILMORE: Right.-It's like a patriarchy.

-Someone applauded that.-SAVAGE: Yeah. -GAYLOR: Yes.

But I think... I think...

-That is the truth. -I don'tknow if that was a woman.

Thank you, porn. Thank you.

-I have to say, as a gay man,though... -Yeah, yeah.

One of the thingsthat's kind of a relief

when you're, like, gay, is,like, he just had his orgasm.

-My work here is done.-Yes, right.

WILMORE:That's interesting.

And with women, like,the orgasm can be hidden,

-it can be faked.-Yes, it can.

And she can have potentiallylimitless orgasms,

so you never knowwhen you're done.

WILMORE:Guys are like, "Come on!"

It such a reliefto be a homo.

You're like, "I (bleep),you (bleep), TV."

-GAYLOR: Right. Yeah.-Right.

-Teamwork and Netflix.-"Let's watch Larry."

-Yeah.-There you go.

Men are already thinking thatwith women, anyway.

"Like, the game's on. How long

-is this gonna take?"-PARRA: Right, right.

All right, we'll be right backright after this.

(applause and cheering)

ANNOUNCER: Grab some free tickets

to attend an upcoming taping of The Nightly Show.

Go to:

Thanks to my panelists,

Bobby Gaylor, Grace Parraand Dan Savage.

So, we're almost out of time,but before we go,

I'm gonna Keep It 100.

All right, tonight's question isfrom @superheropod, all right?

They ask,"Trump becomes prez..."

All these Trump questions!

"...and you geta real lightsaber,

"or Trump is your butler,

and all of Star Wars is wipedfrom existence, #tonightly."

Now, guys, I love Star Wars, you know that,

and as much as I would loveto have a lightsaber,

there is no freaking wayI would make that...

He's gonna be my butler.Sorry, Star Wars. You got to go.

-Yeah. -(applause and cheering)-You got to go.

-Ah.-I can't. Come on, man.