Carpe Do 'Em

  • Season 1, Ep 1
  • 02/09/2016

Nikki plays Tinder Tapout with Rachel Feinstein and Rory Scovel, subjects her friends to a lie detector test and attends a foot fetish party.

Everyone on Tinderis looking to hook up,

so I created a profile of themost horrible woman imaginable.

Meet Kayla.

Her interests includeJesus, nails,

and entrepreneurship --spelled wrong, of course.

In other words,she's kind of the worst.

But that did not stopso many guys

from swiping righton this bitch,

including this guy, R.L.

He's a "bad boywith my shit together."

I buy --I buy that he's a bad boy.

I buy that he's gothis shit together.Yes.

I buy it.

Here's the game.

We're gonna read their actualTinder conversation,

and you guys tell me whenyou think R.L. taps out,

all right?

So, Rory,you're gonna read for R.L.

I'll read for Kayla. Ready?-Yeah.

All right, here we go.

Hey, stranger.What you up to?

Just sold a wheelchairfor 100% profit.

Oh, my God.

So that meansyou stole it.

You a cop?

[Bleep] the police.

Answer the question,pig emoji.

Oh, my God.

All right, guys, do you thinkhe's still in after all this?

Absolutely. I think hejust took his dick out, yeah.

-Okay, okay.-I'll speak for men.

That's true.That's true.

-All right.-That's true.

You're both still right.He's still in.

L-o-l.

Oh, my God!

What cityare you in?

I'm off the grid'cause I got enemies.

You?

[ Laughing ]Arizona?

I used to buy blow from a guyin Tucson named Shark.

You know him?-Oh, my.

[ Laughter ]

How is that re--this is real?

-Yes!-This is a real conversation?

This isa real conversation.

Just casually, like, "Nah,that doesn't ring a bell."

[ Cheers and applause ]

Now, a lot of guys enjoygoing down on girls,

but some likegoing way, way down.

And I'm talking aboutfoot worshipers.

They are out there, and there'smore of them than you think.

And if you don't believe me,check out Instagram.

#feet has over5 million posts on Instagram.

That's morethan #ass and #boobs.

Whereas hashbrown boobshas only one.

And I posted that.

[ Laughter ]

Look, guys,I love that guys are into feet

because it takes the pressureoff my sweet, sweet tits,

but this also kind of sucksfor me

because my footlooks like this.

[ Audience groans, laughs ]

Okay, easy. Jesus.

All right, yes, okay.

This is my foot.

Good God.I am being brave here!

I literally wouldrather you stare

at a pictureof my open vagina right now.

This is so gross.

I have really bad bunionson both feet.

This is my worst one.

This is me spreading my toes

as far as they can go,by the way.

I need surgery.

I have hammertoes, bunions.

We can take this down now,by the way.

Please take this down.Thank you.

But I always like to expand myhorizons and explore new worlds,

so I decided to takemy jacked-up dogs

to a foot-fetish partyto see what it's all about.

Take a look.

♪♪

All right, this is, uh --

this is where Elegant Barefeetis happening

and where most Amber alerts end.

Jesus Christ.

[ Upbeat music playing ]

[ Audience groans ]

So, Joey, what would you doto my feet right now

if I just let you,like, go hog-wild?

Get them on my face.

Just like put them on your facelike this?

Mm-hmm.

-Do you like a clean foot?-I do like a little foot smell.

You like it dirty?I won't lie -- I do.A little bit.

Have you ever gottenathlete's face?

No, but I'm willingto take that risk.

-Really?-Yeah.

So, B.D.,you're into feet.

I like feet.Yes, I do.

I think the thing I likemost about them

is, like, little toes

and the little padsunderneath them.

Do you get turned on whenI say eeny meeny miny moe?

-[ Laughs ]-Catch a tiger...

By its toeand then hold it down

and tie it upand do things to it.

Yeah, I'm all about it.Yeah.

For certain.

A woman's feet is, like,the biggest thing.

My feet are my biggest thing.

At leasttake care of them.

A girl that has busted feet,doesn't take care of them,

I can't do it.

What's a busted footto you?

Like, that structurallyhas problems,

like bunions, the corns,

hammertoes, even cankles.

Well, I'm gonna tell you rightnow that I do have bunions.

Do you feel weirdthat you said that already?

There's variationsof bunions.

Oh, yeah.

You see some peoplewhere it's just like

their toe is likesideways and --

You've said your pieceabout them.

Okay, are you ready?

How do you feelabout that?

That's not --that's not really --

That's not so bad, really.

I saved the best for last.

Oh.

Houston,we have a problem.

So you like to causea little bit of pain?

Yeah, yeah.

I like rubbing feetto lull them

into a false senseof security

right before I put thingsunderneath their toenails

and stuff and...

What do you put underneaththeir toenails?

That sounds terrible!

Like, a sharpened chopstickis fun.

And girls like this?

Toothpicks.

Yeah, I mean, it takesa level of trust.

They have to know that ---Right.

Obviously, all these womenare consenting.

Sure.

[ Laughter ]

Have you ever hada foot job?

Oh, yeah.

So you've workedat a shoe store or...?

No, literallynot a "foot job," but...

You mean you've had a handjobwith a foot.

Right.

You [bleep] in that.

Usually, actually, even [bleep]the toes is cool.

-Oh, like this.-Yes, yes.

Does it look like my feetare concocting a plan?

"Hmm."

This is nice.

Doesn't feel too badfor me, either.

No, it -- it feels great.

Just the nice soft feel.

[ Chuckles ]

Would you even notice ifI took out a tit right now?

[ Chuckles ]

Yeah, I don't really have a goodanswer for that for you.

Okay, that's fine,that's fine.

So I can just show up at theseparties and get foot rubs.

Oh, you get morethan that.

All right.

How harddoes your dick get?

It's getting there as we speak,little by little.

Excuse me.I'm sorry.

All right, cut.

[ Laughs ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

IT'S TIME TO WRAP IT UP.

IT'S NOT GOING TO FEEL AS GOODBUT

WE'RE DOING THE RIGHT THING.

I WANT TO TALK ABOUT SHAME.

SEE, THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SHAME AND REGRET.

I ONCE DATED A GUY WHO WAS A WHITE, VEGAN, COMEDY RAPPER.

DO I REGRET IT?

ABSOLUTELY.

BUT AM I ASHAMED?

NO, HE WAS THE BEST LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP OF MY LIFE.

WE NEED TO OWN THE SEXUAL CHOICES WE MAKE.

LIKE THIS COUPLE AT A BUFFALO BILLS GAME.

I LOVE THIS.

THERE IS NO SHAME HERE.

I'M JEALOUS OF THE STORY THIS GIRL HAS.

SHE GOT TO TELL HER FRIENDS, "HEY, REMEMBER THAT BILLS GAME?

DEREK HAD HIS FINGER IN MY ASS THE WHOLE TIME."

AND THEY'RE LIKE, "FOR REAL?

BITCH, HE SHARED MY POPCORN!"BUT THE POINT IS YOU SHOULD MAKE

THE WORLD YOUR BUFFALO BILLS GAME, 'CAUSE LIFE IS SHORT AND

SEX IS FUN, SO GET OUT THERE ANDTAKE SOME CHANCES.

IF YOU WANT TO BE WEIRD, BE WEIRD.

BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT YOUR DYING WORDS TO BE, "I SHOULD'VE

DONE BUTT STUFF IN THAT BURGER KING BATHROOM."

I SAY CARPE DO 'EM.

GOOD NIGHT, PERVS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]