Wednesday, January 27, 2016

  • 01/27/2016

Esther Povitsky, Brandon Wardell and Ryan Stout title articles found in unusual magazines, describe their #BaeIn3Words and pop the question at a Waffle House.

Ripped from today's internetheadlines, it's Rapid Refresh.

(cheers and applause)

And now let's sleepthrough a list

of the most trendingest topicson the Web today.

First thing we're gonna talkabout is bread. Bread.

486-time Oprah magazinecover girl Oprah Winfrey...

STOUT: She earned it.She earned it. She earned it.

She's earned it.Yeah, she's earned it.

Every month, they're like,

"Should...?All right, you got it."

Anyway, she proved once again

that she can move any producton the planet, even bread.

Here's the media sorceressshouting about the popular

dough-and-flour-based staple

in a video she madefor Weight Watchers.

This is the joy for me.

I love bread.

(laughter)

Ah. Oh, I love itto be, like, this big.

Oh, just some thick dark rye.Um...

(cheers and applause)

-Oprah...-(cheers and applause)

Nah. No, no, no. Wait!

I'm kidding. Everyone knowsOprah eats pita. Uh...

Oprah's bread lust instantlyboosted Weight Watchers

and made her a quick$12.5 million

from her own sharesin the company,

proving that she could probablysell a box of used cat litter.

So, comedians, what is ahorrible Oprah-endorsed product

she could sell with no problem?Brandon.

Oprah's Used Diaper Club.

-HARDWICK: Yeah.-(applause and cheering)

Oh, wait.I have a question about that.

Are they her used diapers,or just found diapers?

-Uh, Gayle.-(laughter)

Points.

-Esther.-John Travolta custom closets.

(laughter)

(cheering and applause)

HARDWICK: Can I pitch a tagline?Can I pitch a tagline?

-Please.-Closets so great

you'll never wantto come out of them.

(laughter)

On to our next topic:Audio Quiz.

-WOMAN OVER SPEAKERS:Audio Quiz. -Yeah.

This is a piece of audiofrom a video

that's been goingaround the Internet. Listen.

(man growling)

(man shouts unintelligiblyand grunts)

-All right, so...-(laughter)

what you're listening tois the sound...

this is actually the soundof a current movie star

before they were famous.

What is it?Is it A...

-Ryan Stout.-I think it's B,

Vin Diesel advertisingthe Ninja Turtles knockoff,

-Street Sharks. -(cheering)-Oh, the audience seems to...

the audience seems to beon your side with this one.

He had that classicVin Diesel "Aah..."

HARDWICK: Aah...Let's see if you're right.

I think you might be right.Let's check it out.

Hand shark!

(laughter)

(low growling)

(shouts unintelligiblyand grunts)

(laughter)

(applause)

On to our next topic--Tiny-Arm Emoji.

In an effortto get millennials to look up

from their goddamn phones,ESPN tried adding emoji

to their player lineups duringa college basketball game

between Duke and Miami.

The Internet's favorite hadto be Miami player Tonye Jekiri,

who looks like he hasa tiny little arm right there.

-(laughter)-He has a tiny little arm.

It just gets more funthe more you look at it.

Why doesn't anyone passthe ball to me?!

Thanks to @Katklingfor pointing that out.

Comedians, basketball is filledwith nicknames,

like Black Mamba and King James.

What is a good nicknamefor this tiny-armed fella?

-Brandon.-Terrence Rex. T. Rex.

-Yeah. Points.-Yeah. Yeah.

-Ryan.-Kareem Abdul-Ja-Birth-Defect.

-All right. Points. Perfect.-(laughter)

Yeah. They still let him play.

It's now timefor the Hashtag Wars.

(cheering)

Tuesday wasNational Spouses Day,

when people take some timeto celebrate their spouses.

It's kind of likeValentine's Day,

except instead of goingon a romantic date,

you watch The X-Files and youpass out on your marital bed.

You can do it next week!

Uh, but since the word "spouse"seems kind of antiquated

these days,we thought we'd open it up

and help people celebratetheir significant others

with the hashtag tonight,BaeIn3Words. BaeIn3Words.

Examples might be:"anime body pillow,"

or "my drug dealer,"

and... "actually a cat."

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Ryan Stout.-Charges per hour.

Points.

-Esther.-Orders extra fries.

Points. Brandon.

James Earl Jones.

-Points.-(laughter)

-Esther.-Is a hedgehog.

Points. Brandon.

-Billy Ray Cyrus.-Points.

-Brandon.-Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

-Points.-(laughter, whooping, cheering)

Ryan.

-Lukewarm cantaloupe.-Points.

-(laughter)-Esther.

Uh... cries during sex.

Points. Ryan Stout.

-Real fixer-upper.-(laughter)

It is now timeto play Bad Mags. Bad Mags.

(cheering and applause)

Magazines,as they were once called,

are a great wayto escape the trenches

above the Internetand nerd out in peace.

Like, sometimesyou like to unwind

with an issue of Tropical Fish.

-(sighs): Ah...-(laughter)

What a page-turner.

I had no ideahow to tap on an aquarium

or why fishare so good at sucking.

Comedians... I'm gonna show yousome weird magazines.

For 250 points,I want you to tell me an article

we can expect to see in it.

First up... Girls and Corpses!

(laughter)

I actually... I actually...

I have actually read that...I know this magazine.

-ESTHER: Me, too. -It'sexactly what you think it is.

-RYAN: Oh.-What?

So an interview with Talking Dead's Chris Hardwick.

Yes, exactly. Yeah, yeah.That would be appropriate.

Yup.

It is, it's just naked girlsposing with fake corpses.

That's the entire(bleep) magazine.

Uh, points. Brandon.

How to eat brains and (bleep).

Yeah, points.

Points. Yeah.

Esther.

How to make him jizz maggots.

-Ye...-(audience groans)

No one?

I mean...

Points.

Next up, Machinery Lubrication. Machinery Lubrication.

Yes, Esther.

So your radiatorwants to try anal.

Points.

Very much. Points.

Brandon.

How to turn your machine on

and keep it wetand (bleep) your machine.

Yeah, points.

Ryan Stout.

A message from our dry as(bleep) editor Louise Machinery.

Points.Poor Louise.

All right, next up, Doll Reader. Doll Reader.

Oh, no, Esther.

Best rooms to cry alone in.

Yes, points. Ryan.

Seven dolls that will remind youof your missing son.

Yeah. Points.

I just think the first pageshould be like,

"So you're barren."

Look at those soulless eyes

just saluting Hitler.Like...

This is my baby.

All right, finally... finally,

going from Doll Reader to Dads.

Dads Magazine.

That's Val Kilmer, kids.Ryan Stout.

They're your kids too,God damn it:

when to breachthe restraining order.

Yes, points.Brandon.

How to hide your second family.

Okay, points.

Before the break, I asked youto go to Waffle House

on Valentine's Day to proposeto your significant other,

uh, whatever that other may be.

Pianoimpromanis gonna be playing

some legally-permissibleromantic music to set the mood.

Let's hear those proposals.Esther, let's start with you.

Bernie, play me something thatsays "Waffle House bathroom".

It's gonna take me an eternity

to digest these hash browns

and I'd liketo spend it with you.

-HARDWICK: Aw, that's very nice.Very nice. -STOUT: Sweet.

-That's very sweet.-That's very nice.

Uh, Brandon.

Bernie, can you be...play me some, like,

smooth, sexy, 90s R & B.

Baby...

I've been meaning to ask youthis for a really long time.

Uh... will you marry me

and, uh, also, can you, uh,take care of this bill, please,

and, uh...

also, can you, like,drive me home?

I'm, uh, I'm going througha really hard time right now.

So...

All right.

Ryan Stout.

All right, Bernie,I know you're on a piano,

but what I want is banjo.

And I'd like it, uh, romantic.

Romantic banjo.

You can do it. Come on.You're a savant.

(banjo playing)

(cheering, applause)

Ever since I knocked you upthree years ago, four years ago,

and six years ago,I've always thought

you were the prettiest amputee Iever pulled over drunk driving.

And that's why I askedyour daddy for your hand,

your good hand,

in marriage

last week when we wereat the family reunion.

As we go to your next game,

Master of Seduction.Master of Seduction.

Our good buddies at the FoundFootage Festival turned us on

to this '80s gem called The Video Guide

for Successful Seduction.

You should watch it.It totally all works.

Our favorite seduceris this guy,

telling us how to pick upa lady in Detroit. Take notes.

Detroit: you need a dollar,

a 12-pack of beer,a gram of coke,

and a whip.

Uh...

What?

Now, comedians, I'm sure Normfrom Cheers After Dark here

has a trick for... every city,

so I would like you to give meas many other cities as you can

and what you should putin your seduction kit

to get some local assin 60 seconds. And begin.

-Uh, Esther.-Los Angeles: a weed card,

green juice, and a Kickstarterfor all the plastic surgery.

Points. Ryan Stout.

Tijuana: a donkeywith zebra stripes,

a greased fist, and a wristwatchyou don't mind losing.

All right, points.

Uh, Brandon.

Okay. Madrid, Spain:

eight bottles of wine,

a carton of cigarettes,and, uh, some guy's wife.

Points. Ryan.

Tirana, Albania:

a young kid who can lurebackpackers into a van,

a backpacker, and a van.

All right, points. Yeah. Thoseare all the things you need.

Esther.

Iowa: Hillary Clinton pantsuit,

Bernie Sanders wig,and Donald Trump's willingness

to have sex with anyoneincluding his daughter.

Yes, points.

Brandon.

Uh, Narnia.

Oh. Yes.

Narnia.A lion, a witch, and a wardrobe.