Monday, March 7, 2016

  • 03/07/2016

To kick off the Tournament of Champions, Nikki Glaser, Kyle Kinane and Doug Benson translate bathroom signs, describe #BadSexIn3Words and list YouTube-themed Emmy categories.

Ripped from today's Internetheadlines, it's Rapid Refresh.

-(applause and cheering)-Kicking off the comedy.

Kicking off this epic weekof comedy competition.

Here are some of the topdistractions of the day.

First up-- Dem jokes, though.

Bernie Sandersand Hillary Clinton went head

to balding head at theDemocratic debate last night.

Which really was a lotlike awkwardly watching

your friend'sgrandparents argue, uh,

about things like gun control,jobs, race relations.

You know, grandparent stuff.

But there was one pressing issuethey did not discuss--

-Donald Trump's dick size. Uh...-(laughter)

-(applause and cheering)-Nice.

HARDWICK:One of the candidates did

a pretty good sweet hone in ontheir Republican counterparts.

Was it comparing themto the monkeys in Zootopia?

B: Accusing themof being mentally ill?

C: Insinuating they all wantto have sex with Donald Trump?

Doug Benson.

(Benson laughs, laughter)

Um, I'm gonna say B: Accusingthem of being mentally ill,

'cause that seemsthe most presidential.

-(laughter)-HARDWICK: Yes, that is...

That is the correct answer.

Watch this sick burnby sick Bern.

...going to invest a lotof money into mental health,

and when you watch theseRepublican debates,

you know why we need...

-All good.-GLASER: Oh!

-(cheers and applause)-Yeah!

Yeah!

HARDWICK:Uh, next:

Katie Crotch Road.Katie Crotch Road.

Residents of Embden, Maine can'tget enough of a Katie's crotch,

and that is notthe local cougar.

I mean Katie Crotch Road.

-Residents of...-(laughter)

(laughter)

They got a problem...

(applause and cheering)

I mean... look.

I know, I get it.

You know, at first, when I'm-I'msetting up this question,

I'm, like,are we really at a point

where we're at double entendreroad signs?

But then you see it,and, you're like,

"Goddamn it, that's funny."

-Like, I don't know, you know?-(laughter)

Residents have been stealingthe sexy street sign

in what police are callinga "snatch and grab."

-(laughter)-Now...

(applause and cheering)

Now they're voting on whetheror not to change the name

and finally get people's handsoff Katie's Crotch.

HuffPo reminded us of otherunfortunately named places,

like (bleep), Austria.

(laughter)

And... Shitterton, England!

NIKKI:Wow!

So, comedians, I've heardKatie's Crotch Road

has tons of great placesto eat out, uh...

(laughter, whooping)

...like Bareback Steakhouseand Orange Vajulius,

-but...-(laughter)

what are some other businesseson Katie's Crotch Road?

Doug Benson.

Bed, Bath & My Balls.

(laughter, applause)

Mmm...

Mmm, all right,I'll give you points for that.

Kyle.

Uh, Arby's,where you can always get

a nice hot queef and spreader.

(laughter)

(imitates woman):Hot queef and spreader.

Hot... hot queef and spreader.

I'm not prou...I'm not proud of it.

(laughter)

He hesitated to give me pointsfor dirtiness.

You went deeper.

That is the most amazingsixth grade joke

-I've ever heard in my life.-(laughter)

(whooping, applause)

-So well done.-Thank you.

Nikki Glaser.

Uh, Jack in My Box.

-Yeah.-(whooping, applause)

Uh, Jack in My Box!

It's now timefor tonight's HashtagWars.

-(cheering)-Whoo!

Since it is after midnight,it is technically Tuesday now,

which meansit's officially Be Nasty Day!

And millions of peoplearound the nation

are getting nasty in the sheets,moaning in ecstasy

until their partner says...

HashtagWars is on!

Flip me overand put the laptop on my back

while you (bleep) me!

-Let's play! -Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!-(cheering, applause)

So, Nikki,you have a show about sex.

-Sometimes bad sexcomes up on your show. -Mm.

Kyle and Doug...

-uh...-(laughter)

That is why tonight's hashtag is

BadSexIn3Words.BadSexIn3Words.

Examples might be:

Paul Blart roleplay.

(laughter, groans)

I'm so glad it took until thatfor you to get bummed out

on this episode of the show.

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Doug Benson.-Trump sized hands.

-Points.-(laughter)

-Nikki Glaser.-69, the age.

Points. Doug.

Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!Beetlejuice!

(laughter, applause)

Points. Kyle Kinane.

Same last name.

-Points.-(laughter, groans)

(applause)

-Doug.-No available openings.

-Points.-(laughter)

-Kyle.-Sound proof van.

-Points.-(laughter)

(applause, whooping)

-Nikki Glaser.-Come here, doggy.

-Points.-(laughter, groans)

-Kyle.-I'm Kyle Kinane.

-Points.-(laughter)

Nikki.

-Tastes like Dad.-Points.

(laughter, groans)

(applause)

I'm just glad you'restill trying to figure it out.

-Yeah, I think it's Dad.-I think it's Dad.

-I think it is.-Points.

It is time to playUniversal Language of S t.

(cheering)

Pissing and (bleep)is universal,

but language and cultureare not,

which is why so many signson bathroom doors

are mistranslated, misconstrued,or just plain bizarre.

So I'm gonna show youa sign in a bathroom,

and for 250 points, I want youto tell me where it is.

First up, this explicit warning,this explicit warning.

(laughter)

Why did they haveto put up that sign?!

-Who...-(laughter)

Who was positioninglike the Rocketeer...

(laughter)

...and then firing...

...firing waste materialall over the everywhere?

-Uh, Nikki. -Well, I'll tell youwhy this is needed, Chris.

This is up in Al Roker'sbeach house in Cancun.

Okay, good. Points. Points.

-(applause)-Kyle.

It's actuallya Taco Tuesday Lego set.

(laughter)

(whooping)

Points. Doug.

I know what it actually is.

Oh, okay, what is it?

I saw that signat a splatter film festival.

Okay, points, points.

Oh, you're... I thinkmaybe you're right. Points.

-Points.-It was a blast.

Next.

I thought it wouldnever stop going.

This Deformed Man End Place.

Deformed Man End Place.

I don't knowwhat happened, Kyle.

Rocky Dennis' grave.

No...

Oh...

All right, enough-enoughpeople in the audience were...

Don't ask the questions if youdon't want the answers, Chris.

I know, you're right,it's my fault.

Enough people in the audiencewere not horrified.

-I can give you points.-It's not...

-That's not what it is.-What is it, Doug? -It's not?

No, it'sthe anti-deformation league.

Oh, Jesus Christ.Points.

That makes sense.

Nikki.

It's actuallythe Republican primary.

-Okay. Gotcha. Points.-That's what it is.

Finally, we have ananimal-friendly sign.

Here's an animal-friendly sign.

I mean, offensive

and not technically accurate.Uh...

Doug.

That's in the South,

where thingsare getting better, Chris,

but they still...

they still haveseparate water fountains

for women and livestock.

Yeah, points.Nikki.

Uh, these actually aren't signs.

These areJaden Smith flashcards.

All right, points.

-He made the flashcards.-Wow.

Before the break, we told youabout a dog from Minnesota

who crashed a semi truckinto a tree at a gas station.

And I asked how he would arguehis way out of a ticket.

Now, whoever wins today's showwill go to play

in our finals on Thursday.Let's see what you came up with.

Doug Benson,let's start with you.

In my defense, arf-icer...

you try sticking your headout the window while...

Squirrel!

(cheering, applause)

Wow. Wow.

Nikki Glaser.

Officers, I've beenplaying dead my whole life.

But playtime's over.My best friend Marley just died

and I'm about to wolf downthis king size Crunch bar.

-(applause)-All right.

Kyle Kinane.

Guys, we canlet this slide right?

It's not like I'm a black Lab.

(bleep)

-Oh, man.-(cheering, applause)

(howling)

(all howling)

Thank you to everyonefor joining in.

It is time for YouTube Awards.YouTube Awards.

The Academy of Television Artsand Sciences announced last week

-they will be expandingtheir, uh, categories -Oh!

to allow online content creatorsto be awarded Emmys.

Because the Emmysaren't long enough! Uh...

Stretch it outover two broadcasts.

So now all your PewDiePiesand your Damn Daniels

can have an opportunityto win one of these!

Mwah. Oh, man.

Mmm. Oh, it feels so good.

-Oh.-(cheering and applause)

Mmm. So nice.

This is a little factoid.

Um, the-the hardest awardto fit in another person,

uh, the Emmy. The Emmy.

Comedians,I would like you to give me

as many YouTube-specificEmmy categories as you can

in 60 seconds. And begin!Nikki Glaser.

Loudest "Hey, Guys!"

Points!

That was goddamn amazing.

Doug Benson.

Uh, Most Incoherent Complaint

About the Female Ghostbusters Movie.

Points. Kyle Kinane.

Salvia's Greatest Knockouts.

Points. Doug Benson.

Saddest Bedroom.

Points. Nikki Glaser.

Uh, Best Prank to Shatterthe Trust in a Marriage.

Points. Doug Benson.

Best Talk Show Where the GuestsGet High with Doug Benson.

-(cheering)-Kyle.

Best Fight at a Family Barbecue.