Tuesday, May 12, 2015

  • 05/12/2015

Al Jackson, Annie Lederman and Jim Jefferies fire millennials in their native language, list #ScientificTVShows and come up with steamy works of tech-themed erotica.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

TODAY MARKS THE END OF ANINTERNET ERA.

VERIZON HAS PURCHASED AOL FOR$4.4 BILLION.

YEAH.

I KNOW.

IF YOU ARE WONDERING WHY ITWENT FOR SUCH A HIGH PRICE,

APPARENTLY OVER 2 MILLION UNCLESAND MOMS STILL USE IT TO JACK

INTO THE NEXUS EVERY MONTH.

IT MAKES ME NOSTALGIC FOR THEDAYS WHERE MOM COULDN'T USE THE

PHONE BECAUSE I USE LOOKING ATOH SO SLOWLY AT LOADING DESKTOP

PICTURES OF NAKED INTERNETLADIES.

IT WAS LIKE, OH, THERE IS IT.

COME ON, MOM!

JUST 12 MORE MINUTES AND I CANSEE THE TOP OF A BOOB!

DAMN IT.

>> SHE IS SO HOT I WILL WAIT TOSEE THE REST OF THAT.

SHE IS FINE.

>> THAT IS THE BEST PART ANYWAY.

>> SOMETIMES I JUST [BLEEP] WHENI SEE THE WORD "LOADING" NOW.

>> Chris: IN HONOR OF THE BYGONEERA, I WANT TO PLAY YOU AN

INTERNET SET SO SOUND FROMAOL'S HEYDAY AND YOU HAVE TO

TELL ME WHAT THAT SOUND EFFECTIS ATTACHED TO.

FIRST ONE, FIRST ONE --

[AOL SOUND EFFECT]

WHAT IS THAT?N'T YOU KNOW WHATTHAT IS?

AL, GO AHEAD.

>> WE WERE TOO POOR SO I DON'TKNOW WHAT THAT SOUND MEANS.

>> THAT JUST MEANS I'M AT AFRIEND'S HOUSE.

I'M AT A FRIEND'S HOUSE.

>> Chris: I WILL GIVE YOU 100POINTS...

...FOR THAT.

THE ANSWER IS, IT'S AN AOLINSTANT NOTIFICATION.

>> THIS IS THE ORIGIAL CATFISH.

I GOT CAT FISHED ON AOL, MYGOD.

>> Chris: CONSTATNLY.

>> DUDE I WENT OVER -- SHE WASLIKE 60 AND I STAYED.

>> Chris: YES.

>> YOU GOT IT.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

NEXT ONE.

WHAT IS THIS?

[AOL SOUND EFFECT]

YES, JIM.

>> THAT'S-- YOU'RE CONNECTING TOTHE INTERNET OR SENDING A FAX.

>> Chris: YES, YES. I DIAL-UPMODEN.

THAT'S A DIAL-UP MODEM, I'LLGIVE YOU THAT.

>> THAT WAS THE BIG ONE, MOM,MOM, I AM ON IT.

>> Chris: YEAH.

LAST ONE.

["BUTTERFLY" PLAYS]

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

AL.

>> THAT'S THE SOUND OF ALL MYBLACK FRIENDS TRYING TO PRETEND

LIKE THEY DON'T KNOW THAT SONG.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS THAT'SRIGHT.

THAT'S THE INTRO TO CRAZYTOWN'SHIT "BUTTERFLY," WHICH WAS

RELEVANT THE LAST TIME AOL WASRELEVANT.

IF YOU'RE GETTING WORKE-MAILS THAT SAY JK, LOL, OR ANY

OTHER ABREVS, THAT'S PROBABLYBECAUSE THIS IS THE YEAR THE

MILLENNIALS MADE UP A THIRDOF THE WORKFORCE OUT THERE.

BUT LIKE MOST PEOPLE WHO WEARSKINNY TIES AND JEAN JACKETS TO

TO A JOB THAT IS NOT ROADMANAGING BRUNO MARS, SOME OF

THESE FLEEKY FLAKES WILL BEDOWNSIZED UNTIL THEY CAN'T EVEN.

SO COMEDIANS, HOW WOULD YOU FIREA MILLENNIAL IN THEIR NATIVE

TONUGE. ANNIE.

>> THE COMPANY HAS DECIDED TOSWIPE LEFT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JIM.

>> SO, COOPER.

WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO LETYOU GO AND LIKE SNAPCHAT COULD,

YOU DISAPPEAR IN A FEW SECONDS?

>> Chris: PERFECT, PERFECT.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR OUR HASHTAGWARS.

I ABSOLUTELY [BLEEP]ING LOVEBILL NYE SCIENCE GUY.

I LOVE HIM 110%.

HE IS A LOVELY MAN.

I AM PALS WITH HIM.

HE'S BRILLIANT AND HE'S CHAMPIONOF ALL THINGS SCIENCEY, AND THE

WORLD'S MOST BANGABLE BOWTIEWEARER.

HE DID AN AMA ON REDDIT TODAYAND HIS FANS POSTED THIS MEME

CELEBRATING HOW BILLDEALS WITH CLIMATE CHANGE

DENIERS -- SORRY IF I ANNOYEDYOU WITH MY FACTS.

THAT'S COLDER THAN PLUTO --

WHICH IS NOT A PLANET, MOTHER(BLEEP)!

IN HIS HONOR TONIGHT'S NHASHTAGIS #SCIENTIFICTVSHOWS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE HOW I CLONEDMY MOTHER.

OR, KINGDOM, PHYLUM, CLASS,FAMILY GUY, SPECIES.

OR, IT'S SUNNY IN THEPHILADELPHIA EXPERIMENT.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

ANNIE.

>> THE HAWKING DEAD.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS!

AL.

>> DUKES OF BIOHAZARD.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS!

ANNIE.

>> LEAVE IT TO BEAKER.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JIM.

>> BLACK HOLE'ISH.

>> Chris: POINT.

AL.

>> MAGNUM, P.I. 3.14.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JIM.

>> EVERYONE LOVES RADIATION.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ANNIE.

>> DANCING WITH THE ACTUALSTARS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ANNIE.

>> FAMILY ANTI-MATTERS.

>> Chris: POINTS, JIM.

>> THE BIBLE BUT ON THE SCI FICHANNEL.

IT IS TIME FOR AUDIO QUIZ!

>> AUDIO QUIZ!

>> Chris: COMEDIANS I AM GOINGTO PLAY YOU A SHORT CLIP OF A

SOUND WE FOUND ON THE INTERNET,FOR 250 POINTS I WANT YOU TO

BUZZ IN AND TELL ME WHAT WE ARELISTENING TO.

FIRST ONE, THIS PLAINTIVE,WHATEVER IT IS.

[SCREAMING]

YES, AL.

>> ME DURING MY FIRST UFC FIGHT.

>> Chris: OKAY.

POINTS, POINTS.

NO ARE YOU WATCHING ORACTUALLY FIGHTING.

>> THAT IS ME GETTING MY ASSKICKED IN FRONT OF MY MOM.

>> Chris: OKAY. ANNIE, WHAT DOYOU THINK IT IS.

>> IGGY AZALEA RAPPING?

>> Chris: POINTS.

I DON'T KNOW, THAT WAS PRETTYON KEY.

>> HER BEST RAP EVER.

>> THAT'S YOKO ONO WISHING PAULMCCARTNEY A HAPPY BITHDAY.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT WHATIT ACTUALLY IS.

[SCREAMING]

>> I NAILED IT!

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I SAID ITIS.

>> Chris: YOU WERE PRETTY CLOSE.

NEXT ONE, THIS SQUEAKY THING.

>> OH!

[BURPING]

>> Chris: AL.

>> THAT IS THE SOUND RIGHT AFTERYOU UBER DRIVE GOES, ARE YOU

ABOUT TO BE SICK?

>> Chris: POINTS.

ANNIE.

>> THAT'S THE SOUND FIREFIGHTERSMAKE WHEN I FLASH THEM.

>> Chris: OKAY.

>> OH!

[BURPING]

>> Chris: YOU WERE PRETTY CLOSE.

>> THAT WAS PRETTY CLOSE.

>> THAT IS PRETTY CLOSE.

>> I FEEL LIKE THAT COULD TURNINTO A WEIRD FETISH OF MINE.

I KIND OF LIKE THAT.

>> I LOVE HOW AL USES THE TERM"TURN INTO."

>> Chris: NEXT ONE IS CHEWINGSOUNDS.

I HATE CHEWING SOUNDS.

[CHEWING]

>> Chris: AH!

ANNIE.

>> JUSTIN BIEBER STUCK LING HISMOM'S TEAT YESTERDAY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JIM.

>> SOMEONE FINGERING A BOWL OFJELLY.

>> DUH!>> IT REALLY IS.

I COULD HAVE GONE FOR THEFUNNY RESPONSE BUT -- FACTUAL.

>> Chris: OKAY.

I WILL GIVE YOU POINTS, LET'SSEE IF YOU ARE RIGHT.

>> WHAT WE DO IS TAKE A SMALLAMOUNT RIGHT OFF THE TOP.

THE TOP... THAT CREAM... PUREVANILLA.

SWEETNESS.

>> I HAVE WATCHED THATDOCUMENTARY.

THAT'S THE HISTORY OF ICE CREAM.

THAT GUY WORKS FOR DRYER'S.

>> Chris: OH, WOW. YOU'VE SEENIT.

>> HE IS THE TASTING GUY.

>> YOU MAY MOCK ALL YOU WANT,BUT HE INVENTED COOKIES AND

CREAM, AND GIVE HIM SOME(BLEEP)ING RESPECT!

>> Chris: THAT'S AMAZING.

ANNIE, DID YOU WANNA SAYSOMETHING.

>> IF BILL NYE SCIENCE GUY ISMOST (BLEEP)ABLE GUY IN A BOW

TIE, HE IS THE LEAST [BLEEP]ABLEGUY IN A BOW TIE.

>> Chris: IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXTGAME, TERADORABLE.

INTERNET BABIES IS ALWAYSGETTING INTO THE CWAZIEST

SITATIONS.

OH, THAT'S A TYPO, I MEANCRAZIEST SITUATIONS.

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU A CLOSE-UPOF AN INTERNET BABY PHOTO AND

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO TELL ME IFIT'S TERRIBLE OR ADORABLE.

ALL RIGHT.

FIRST ONE.

THIS SLEEPY TYKE.

IS THIS TERRIBLE OR ADORABLE,ANNIE?

>> IT IS ADORABLE, IT IS ALITTLE ASIAN BABY, HE'S PROBABLY

DRESSED UP LIKE A FOOD.

>> Chris: OH MY GOD, LET'S SEE.

LET'S SEE.

YES, HE'S DRESSED UP LIKE FOOD!

>> AND THERE'S TWO OF THEM!

>> Chris: THAT WAS AMAZING!

>> HOW DID YOU GET THAT?

>> BECAUSE THEY ALWAYS DRESSTHEIR BABIES UP LIKE FOOD.

>> Chris: I AM GIVING YOU ANEXTRA 200 POINTS FOR NAILING

THAT.

>> I DIDN'T NAIL IT, TAKE ITBACK.

DO NOT SAY I NAILED A BABY,PLEASE.

>> Chris: YOU DIDN'T NAIL THEBABY.

>> I DRESS WHITE KIDS UP LIKESUSHI.

>> Chris: NEXT ONE, THESETHREE KIDDOS, THESE THREE

KIDDOS, TERRIBLE OR ADORABLE? ANNIE.

>> TERRIBLE.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

NO! NO!

>> I DEPENDS WHAT STATE YOU'REIN.

>> I JUST MEANT BECAUSE SOMEONEBLOW DRYED THAT GIRLS' HAIR.

I DIDN'T THINK SHE HAD A GUN.

>> YOU THINK THAT IS TERRIBLEYOU SHOULD SEE THE NEXT PHOTO

-- WHERE THAT ONE'S DEAD.

THE ONE ON THE LEFT, MOMMY --BLUGH, AHH.

[SPEAKING OVER EACH OTHER]

> I LIKE HOW THE MIDDLE ONE ISLIKE IT IS TOO HEAVY, OH, WE

HAVE A MINI ONE.

HERE YOU GO.

>> IN THEIR DEFENSE THAT WASTAKEN IN A SUBURB OF BALTIMORE

A WEEK AGO.

>> Chris: (BLEEP).

>> KEEP STARING AHEAD. KEEPSTARING AT THE SCREEN.

>> THERE WERE PROTECTING THEIRFAMILIES.

>> THEY WERE PROTECTING THEWHOLE FOODS.

>> DON'T FAKE OUR QUINOA,PLEASE.

>> OH, THEY SHOULD HAVE DRESSEDUP LIKE FOOD.

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXTGAME, TECHROTICA.

TECHROTICA.

HEY, EROTICA FANS, I IF YOU'RELOOKING FOR PERFECT MARRIAGE OF

HARD DICK'S AND HARD DISKS LOOKNO FURTHER THAN THE WORKS OF

LEONARD DELANEY. HE IS A SELFPUBLISHED AMAZON AUTHOR WITH A

TOTALLY NOT FAKE NAME WHO WRITESTECH BASED EROTIC STORIES LIKE

THE NEW KINDLE BOOK "INVADED BYTHE IWATCH," VERY TIMELY HERE.

I'M JUST GUESSING HERE BUT I BETTHAT WATCH GIVES OUT HOT WET

STEVE JOBS.

HIS OTHER BOOKS IN THE DIGITALDESIRES SERIES INCLUDE "TAKEN BY

THE TETRIS BLOCKS" AND"CONQUERED BY CLIPPY."

IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE BEGINNINGTO PLEASURE YOURSELF.

CAN I TO HELP YOU WITH THAT?

CLEARLY TECH PORN IS HUGEUNAPPED DICK MARKET SO COMEDIANS

COME UP WITH AS MANY MORETECH-ROTICA TITLES AS YOU CAN

UNTIL I CLIMAX IN 60-SECONDS.

GO!

ANNIE.

>> G-SPOTIFY: A PLAYLIST TO[BLEEP] BY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

AL.

>> MENAGE A DOS.

>> Chris: POINTS. JIM.

>> DRAG QUEEN AND DROP QUEEN.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

ANNIE.

>> BINARY CURIOUS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JIM.

>> THUMB-DRIVING MS. DAISY.

>> Chris: POINTS!

ANNIE.

>> IBM, THEN UBM.

>> Chris: POINTS.

THEY MUST'VE THOUGHT OF THAT ATSOME POINT AT THAT COMAPNY!

THEY HAVE BEEN AROUND FORDECADES.

JIM.

>> PANDORA'S BOX.

>> Chris: YES.

ANNIE.

>> JUST DON'T GET IT IN MYiPHONE

>> Chris: POINTS.

AL.

>> FACEBUKKAKI.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JIM.

>> ARE YOU A LAPTOP ORLAPBOTTOM?

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.