CC Presents: Dat Phan

  • 01/29/2004

YES!

I LOVE NEW YORK.

NEW YORK ROCKS!

OKAY.

[APPLAUSE, WHISTLES CONTINUE]

[THICK ASIAN ACCENT]

LET'S GIVE A ROUND OF APPLAUSE

FOR EVERYBODY HERE.

YOU GUY'S DO GOOD JOB.

LET'S GIVE ROUND OF APPLAUSE.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT, I CRACKED A JOKE?

I'M KIDDING.

MY PARENTS HATE IT WHEN I DO

THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

MY MOM'S LIKE, "THAT'S NOT--

THAT'S NOT FUNNY.

YOU WANNA MAKE FUN OF US, HUH?

YOU WANNA MAKE SURE OF ASIAN

TIME?

YOU WANNA BE A SMUCK ALLEY?"

WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?

"YOU WANNA SMUCK CHECK IN THE

ALLEY?

[IMITATING GUNFIRE]

PASS OR FAIL?"

IT'S LIKE, "MOM, CHILL OUT."

"I NO CHILL."

[LAUGHTER]

"YOU DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO

CHILL.

I CHILL WHAT--

I CHILL YOU!"

[LAUGHTER]

MY MOM GETS SO MAD SHE DOESN'T

EVEN KNOW WHAT SHE'S SAYING

ANYMORE, YOU KNOW?

AFTER A WHILE SHE GOES CRAZY.

SHE...

LIKE I WATCH JAPANESE ANIMATION,

RIGHT?

MY MOM'S LIKE, "DAT PHAN,

YOU DON'T WATCH CARTOON.

IT'S TO VIOLENT."

THIS IS THE SAME WOMAN THAT GOES

LIKE, "DAT PHAN, IF YOU DON'T

TAKE OUT THE TRASH NOW I WILL

KILL YOU!"

[LAUGHTER]

SO HERE WE ARE IN NEW YORK.

I WAS EATING SOME--

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S GREAT.

I LOVE IT.

I WENT AND HAD JAPANESE FOOD

TODAY AND I MADE LIKE

THE BIGGEST MISTAKE, YOU KNOW?

I ORDERED A FORTUNE COOKIE

AFTER THE MEAL.

YOU GUY'S EVER DONE THAT BEFORE?

[AUDIENCE AGREEING]

I DIDN'T KNOW FORTUNE COOKIE'S

CHINESE.

AND I ORDERED IT AND I'M ASIAN.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW.

I'M LIKE, "HEY, MAN, THE FOOD'S

REALLY GOOD BUT THERE WAS LIKE

NO COOKIE WITH A NOTE INSIDE

FOR THE FUTURE AFTER THE MEAL."

[LAUGHTER]

"THIS IS JAPANESE RESTAURANT,

NOT CHINESE."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

"OKAY, MAN, RELAX.

YOU GUYS HAVE ANY BURRITOS?"

"YOU GET OUT OF HERE,

SMART-ALECK."

I'M VIETNAMESE.

VIETNAMESE PEOPLE AND BEAUTY

SALONS.

HOW IN THE HECK DID THIS HAPPEN

HERE, FOLKS?

WHAT WAS OUR PLAN OF ATTACK

ON THE AMERICAN JOB MARKET THERE

BEFORE WE LEFT VIETNAM?

WHAT WAS THE FINAL MEETING?

IT WAS LIKE, "VIETNAM,

LISTEN UP.

THIS OUR FINAL MEETING."

[LAUGHTER]

"I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT IT.

I KNOW THE PERFECT JOB FOR US.

OKAY, NOW THE JAPANESE PEOPLE,

THEY TAKE OVER, THEY MAKE

THE VCR, RIGHT?

THAT'S A GOOD PLAN THERE.

[LAUGHTER]

I ALSO HEARD THEY MAKE

THE FORTUNE COOKIE.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

GERMAN, THEY TAKE OVER THEY MAKE

THE FARVE-- THE AUTOMO--

THE CAR.

[LAUGHTER]

VIETNAM, WE TAKE OVER BY DOING

PEDICURE.

THAT'S HOW WE TAKE OVER.

WE TAKE OVER ONE FOOT AT A TIME,

DAMN IT.

THAT'S THE PLAN OF ATTACK

RIGHT THERE.

WE TAKE OVER FROM THE TOE UP.

THAT'S THE PLAN.

WE SPREAD OVER USA LIKE FUNGUS

FROM THE TOE.

USA.

5 DOLLAR MAKE YOU HOLLER.

LOVE YOU LONG TIME, GI."

LADIES, YOU KNOW WHAT

I'M TALKING ABOUT.

YOU'RE IN THERE.

YOU'RE GETTING YOUR NAILS DONE.

THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, YOUR NAME IS

ROSE.

OH, SO BEAUTIFUL.

UH-HUH.

UH-HUH."

[LAUGHTER]

[SPEAKING VIETNAMESE]

HEY!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

"SO HOW'S YOUR SON DOING?

YOUR SON DOING GOOD?"

[SPEAKING VIETNAMESE]

[SLAPPING SOUND]

"HEY!

I TELL SHE SLAP--

OH, SHOOT, WRONG LANGUAGE."

[LAUGHTER]

I'M SO JEALOUS OF OTHER ASIANS,

YOU KNOW?

THEY ALL HAVE THEIR OWN

MARTIAL ARTS STYLES.

MY PEOPLE, WE DON'T HAVE CRAP.

VIETNAM IS THE ONLY COUNTRY

IN ASIA THAT DOES NOT HAVE A

MARTIAL ARTS STYLE OF THEIR OWN.

LIKE KOREANS HAVE TAE KWON DO,

JAPANESE PEOPLE HAVE KARATE.

MY PEOPLE, "PICK A COLOR.

WE DO FOR YOU.

THAT'S A MARTIAL ARTS STYLE

RIGHT THERE.

CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN ACRYLIC.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT RIGHT THERE--

THAT'S THE CUTICLE STRIKE.

LEE PRESS-ON STYLE, LOOK LIKE

REAL NAILS.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU WANNA MESS WITH OUR PEOPLE,

HUH?

YOU WANNA MESS WITH VIETNAM?

YOU WANNA WALK DOWN A DARK

ALLEY, HUH?

WE WAX YOUR BIKINI WAX.

WE RIP YOUR PUBE OFF HERE.

YAHHH!

[LAUGHTER]

"WE RIP YOUR PUBE OFF, THROW IT

IN YOUR EYE.

YEEHHAAA!

WE GOING TO TEAR ALL YOUR HAIR

OUT OF THE ROOT.

THEN WE GIVE YOU SHAMPOO,

25 DOLLAR MAKE YOU HOLLER."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I KNEW COMEDY WAS FOR ME WHEN

I WAS THE ONLY ASIAN IN

HIGH SCHOOL THAT FAILED MATH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT, YOU KNOW, WHEN I FAILED,

EIGHT OTHER STUDENTS AROUND ME

FAILED, TOO.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND I WAS COPYING ONE OF THEM.

THAT'S THE THING.

YOU KNOW I WAS COPYING A GUY

NAMED MIKE.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?

I THINK IT'S LIKE THE

STEREOTYPES THOUGH, YOU KNOW?

YOU KNOW, LIKE-- BECAUSE PEOPLE,

THEY SEE ME, AND THEN THEY THINK

I-- LIKE I DO MARTIAL ARTS.

EVEN BEFORE THE TV SHOW

THEY THOUGHT I DID MARTIAL ARTS.

AND THAT DOESN'T BOTHER ME.

BUT I WOULD DO LIKE NOTHING THAT

HAS TO DO WITH MARTIAL ARTS,

YOU KNOW?

SO, FOR EXAMPLE, I WAS TAKE--

THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

I WAS TAKING A LEAK AT ONE OF

THESE COMEDY CLUBS, RIGHT?

AND THIS GUY WAS STANDING

NEXT TO ME.

HE'S LIKE, "HEY, DO YOU DO

KUNG FU?

I NOTICE THE WAY YOU WALK AROUND

IT'S KIND OF SMOOTH LIKE,

YOU KNOW, MARTIAL ARTS OR--"

I'M TAKING A LEAK.

[LAUGHTER]

IT WASN'T LIKE I WAS GOING...

[KARATE NOISES]

[LAUGHTER]

"FINISH HIM."

YEE-HHAA!

"FATALITY.

DAT PHAN WINS.

SHAKE IT OFF.

FLAWLESS VICTORY."

SO I LIVE IN HOLLYWOOD NOW,

RIGHT?

HOLLYWOOD'S A VERY INTERESTING

PLACE.

SERIOUSLY, I--

EVERYONE WANTS TO LIKE--

YOU KNOW, THEY WANNA--

THEY WANNA JUST TYPECAST YOU,

YOU KNOW?

AND I MOVED INTO LIKE A GAY

NEIGHBORHOOD.

I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS LIKE A GAY

NEIGHBORHOOD WHEN I MOVED IN,

YOU KNOW?

BUT I DON'T CARE.

I'M NOT GAY.

IT'S LIKE A SAFE NEIGHBORHOOD.

MY MOM, SHE DIDN'T KNOW.

IT'S THE FUNNIEST THING.

I'M-- IT'S--

THERE'S NO THUGS THERE.

THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN

IS THAT LIKE MY CURTAINS WILL

GET STOLEN.

[LAUGHTER]

I GAVE MY MOM A TOUR OF THE

NEIGHBORHOOD.

SHE DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS LIKE

A GAY NEIGHBORHOOD.

YOU KNOW?

IT'S SO FUNNY.

SHE'S LIKE, "HEY, SON, THIS IS

LIKE A GOOD NEIGHBORHOOD,

NICE AND SAFE.

FRIENDLY GUYS WALKING DOWN

THE STREET HOLDING HANDS.

[LAUGHTER]

SKIPPING TO MY LOO.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE A K-MART

HERE.

NO, WAIT, THAT'S GAY-MART.

WHAT THE HELL?"

[LAUGHTER]

EVERYONE WANTS TO TYPECAST YOU

IN HOLLYWOOD, YOU KNOW?

IT'S SO FUNNY.

LIKE I SAW THESE GUYS.

THEY SAW ME.

THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, YOU'RE ASIAN

AND YOU DO COMEDY.

THAT'S WONDERFUL.

THAT'S GREAT.

WE LOVE IT.

WE LOVE IT.

WE LOVE ORIENTALS.

WE LOVE JACKIE CHAN.

WE LOVE JET LI."

OKAY, I LOVE JACKIE CHAN.

I LOVE JET LI.

BUT WHAT THE HELL DO I HAVE TO

DO WITH THEM?

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW I DON'T GO UP TO LIKE

LATINOS AND GO LIKE,

"OH, YOU'RE MEXICAN?

I LOVE MENUDO.

MENUDO'S GREAT."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T GO UP TO LIKE

BLACK PEOPLE.

"OH, YOU'RE BLACK?

I LOVE DENZEL WASHINGTON.

HE'S A BLACK GUY, TOO.

HE'S GREAT.

BLACK GUY, EDDIE MURPHY,

YOU KNOW, EVERYBODY'S BLACK."

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T GO UP TO LIKE

WHITE PEOPLE AND GO LIKE,

"OH, YOU'RE WHITE?

I LOVE MICHAEL JACKSON."

I DON'T DO THAT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Dat Phan: I JOKE ABOUT RACISM.

I JOKE ABOUT, YOU KNOW, REALITY.

LIKE-- BUT MY NAME REALLY IS

DAT PHAN.

IT'S NOT A HOLLYWOOD STAGE NAME

OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

YOU KNOW MY PARENTS LOVE IT.

THEY LOVE TO MAKE FUN OF MY NAME

ALL THE TIME.

LIKE, "HEY, SON, IT'S PRETTY HOT

IN HERE.

CAN YOU TURN ON DAT PHAN

OVER THERE?"

[SMACKING SOUND]

[LAUGHTER]

"HE'S STUCK WITH THAT ONE RENEE.

HE'S STUCK WITH THAT NAME."

[LAUGHTER]

I REALLY AM FROM A VERY SMALL

VIETNAMESE FAMILY, TOO.

WE'RE REALLY CLOSE, TOO, ALL TEN

OF US.

WE'RE JUST LIKE THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

MY MOM WAS SO STRICT, YOU KNOW?

WHEN I WAS A KID, SHE WOULDN'T

LET US WATCH THE BRADY BUNCH.

THE BRADY BUNCH.

SHE DIDN'T THINK IT WAS REAL.

SHE WAS LIKE, "DAT PHAN,

YOU DON'T WATCH BRADY BUNCH.

THAT SHOW SUCK.

SIX KIDS-- THAT'S NOTHING.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

DAT PHAN, I HAVE TEN KIDS.

WHY DON'T YOU WATCH ME?"

NO COMMERCIAL HERE, NO ALICE.

I CLEAN THE WHOLE HOUSE.

YOU WATCH ME.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LIKE THAT.

I TRY TO FOLLOW UP WITH WHAT'S

ON WITH THE NEWS, YOU KNOW?

AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S--

I TRY TO WATCH LIKE WHAT'S GOING

ON.

IS THE WAR OVER, OVER THERE?

IS IT OVER?

VIETNAM, IS IT OVER?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW, IT'S SO FUNNY.

LIKE MY MOM'S, SHE'S SO

PARANOID.

SHE'S SO PARANOID ABOUT

THE VIETNAM WAR, YOU KNOW?

SHE REALLY IS, SERIOUSLY.

LIKE SHE WOULDN'T LET ME PLAY

ON THE GRASS WHEN I WAS A KID.

SHE WAS LIKE, "DAT PHAN, YOU

DON'T PLAY ON--

THERE'S LANDMINES OUT THERE.

THERE'S LANDMINES ALL OVER

THE SUPERMARKET.

I KNOW IT."

JUST ONCE I WANNA GO,

"MOM, SPRINKLERS, SPRINKLERS.

[LAUGHTER]

SPRINKLERS ALL OVER

THE SUPERMARKET."

I WANNA PLAY A JOKE ON HER,

YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE SHE SAYS THE FUNNIEST

THINGS WHEN I PLAY LIKE--

"MOM, SPRINKLERS.

THESE ARE THE REAL LANDMINES."

"OH, NO.

DAT PHAN, YOU JOKE NOW YOU

GIVE ME TWO HEART ATTACK."

WHAT THE HELL IS TWO HEART

ATTACKS?

"HA-HA, TWO FOR ONE.

TWO HEART ATTACK FOR THE PRICE

OF ONE.

ORDER NOW.

DOUBLE COUPON."

[LAUGHTER]

I DATED THIS ONE GIRL AND

HER DAD WAS A VIETNAM VET.

YOU KNOW HOW SCARY THAT IS...

[LAUGHTER]

FOR ME?

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I'M PICKING UP HIS DAUGHTER.

HE'S ALL LIKE, "WHAT'S YOUR

NAME, SON?"

I'M LIKE, "UH, CHARLIE.

I MEAN, DAT PHAN.

[LAUGHTER]

SORRY.

I LOVE YOUR DAUGHTER, M.I.A.

I MEAN, MIA, MIA.

AARGH!

[LAUGHTER]

SHE'S TELLING ME HOW YOU'RE

THE BOMB.

OH, THERE'S ANOTHER ONE.

AARGH."

I HAD THIS GUY COME UP TO ME,

RIGHT?

AND HE'S ALL LIKE,

"YOU'RE VIETNAMESE, AREN'T YOU?

THANKS TO YOU A LOT OF PEOPLE

WERE KILLED IN VIETNAM."

I WAS LIKE, "HEY, MAN, I WOULD

HAVE HELPED THE AMERICANS OUT.

EXCEPT AT THE TIME I WAS

A FETUS!"

[LAUGHTER]

ALL I KNOW ABOUT VIETNAM IS THAT

ROBIN WILLIAMS WAS A DJ OVER

THERE.

THAT'S ALL I KNOW.

SO I GREW UP IN THE '80s.

ROUND OF APPLAUSE, YOU GUYS FROM

THE '80s, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR THE '80s.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I LOVE THE FASHION BACK IN THE

'80s.

REMEMBER WHEN GUYS FIRST JUST

WORE ONE EARRING?

YOU KNOW, LIKE TODAY WE PIERCE

EVERYTHING NOW.

BACK IN THE '80s LIKE ONE

EARRING ON THE LEFT SIDE YOU'RE

COOL.

ON THE RIGHT SIDE THEN YOU'RE

GAY OR WHATEVER HOW THAT WORKS,

YOU KNOW?

MY MOM, SHE WOULDN'T LET ME WEAR

THE EARRING.

SHE'S LIKE SO OLD-FASHIONED,

YOU KNOW?

"DAT PHAN, NO EARRING IN THE

HOUSE.

NO SHIZ IN MY NIZZLE.

[LAUGHTER]

THERE'S TWO REASON WHY YOU WEAR

EARRING, DAT PHAN.

NUMBER ONE, YOU WEAR EARRING

BECAUSE YOU JOIN GANG.

HUH?

YOU WANNA BE GANG MEMBER, HUH?

YOU WANNA BE TUPAC SHAKUR?

YOU WANNA BE TOUCAN SAM?

TELL ME.

YOU WANNA HIP-HOP FOLLOW

MY NOSE?

REASON NUMBER TWO, YOU WEAR

EARRING BECAUSE YOU GAY.

YOU WANNA BE GAY MEMBER, HUH?

YOU WANNA BE TUPAC SHAKUR?

YOU WANNA BE TOUCAN SAM?

TELL ME.

YOU WANNA BE CAPTAIN CRUNCH?

TELL ME, DAT PHAN."

THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

I'M GONNA COME HOME WITH LIKE

FIVE FAKE EARRINGS ON.

LIKE, "MOM, TODAY I JOINED

FIVE GANGS."

[GASPS] "YOU ALSO FIVE TIME GAY.

GET OUT OF HOUSE.

[LAUGHTER]

FRUITLOOP."

SO I TRY TO VISIT MY PARENTS,

RIGHT?

I TRY TO VISIT THEM WHEN I CAN

AND I HAVE LIKE A REALLY

HARD TIME BECAUSE LIKE I TRY

TO GO OVER AND RESPECT THEM

AND STUFF.

AND THEY'RE MAKING WEIRD NOISES

AROUND THE HOUSE NOW FOR

NO REASON.

LIKE MY DAD, HE SMOKES.

AND NOW HE MOANS WHILE

HE SMOKES.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE THIS

CAME FROM.

[LAUGHTER]

I SEE MY DAD.

HE'S SMOKING, RIGHT?

AND NOW HE MOANS JUST LIKE--

[INHALES]

[EXHALES] AHHH!

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S LIKE SOMEBODY PUNCHED HIM

IN THE STOMACH WHILE HE'S

SMOKING OR SOMETHING, YOU KNOW?

"AHH!

OKAY."

MY DAD ONLY SAID TWO THINGS

TO ME AROUND THE HOUSE WHEN

I WAS THERE.

NUMBER ONE, "OKAY.

OKAY, USA."

AND TWO, "GOOD.

GOOD, DAT PHAN."

GOOD?

HOW DO YOU CARRY A CONVERSATION

ON WITH THAT?

LIKE, "DAD, HOW YOU DOING?"

"OKAY."

LIKE, "DAD, THE HOUSE IS ON

FIRE."

"OKAY.

[INHALES]

[EXHALES] AHHH!

OKAY."

MY MOM WILL MAKE WEIRD NOISES

AROUND THE HOUSE FOR NO REASON

NOW, TOO.

LIKE SHE EATS FOOD THAT'S

SO SPICY NOW THAT SHE--

LIKE EVERY-- I DON'T KNOW

WHAT IT IS WITH ASIAN OR LATINO

PARENTS.

EVERY YEAR THEY ADD MORE

AND MORE SPICES IN THEIR FOOD.

YOU GUYS NOTICE THAT?

MY MOM, SHE'S EATING FOOD THAT'S

SO HOT THAT SHE'S SWEATING,

SHE'S CRYING WHILE SHE'S EATING.

IS THIS GOOD?

I SEE HER JUST LIKE--

YAHH-YAHH-YAHH!

LIKE, "MOM, WHAT'S FOR DINNER?"

"LAVA.

YAHH-YAHH-YAHH!"

[LAUGHTER]

"WHAT'S FOR DESSERT?"

"FIRE.

YAHH!-HAHH!"

SHE'S EATING-- SHE--

YOU KNOW IT'S TO HOT.

AND THEY NEVER ADMIT IT'S HOT

BUT YOU KNOW IT'S HOT BECAUSE

THEY GO LIKE THIS--

SEE THIS?

IT'S LIKE A JET INTAKE,

YOU GUYS.

AND YOU HAVE TO LET AIR IN YOUR

MOUTH TO COOL OFF THE FOOD.

IT'S TIME TO BACK OFF ON THE

SPICES.

IT'S LIKE THERE'S LAVA IN MY

MOM'S MOUTH.

"THERE'S LAVA IN MY MOUTH, SON.

BUT IT'S GOOD.

IT'S HOT."

I LOVE WATCHING MY PARENTS EAT.

IT'S BETTER THAN ANY MUSIC VIDEO

I'VE SEEN IN MY LIFE.

AND IT'S FREE.

'CAUSE I SEE MY DAD,

HE'S SMOKING AT THE DINNER TABLE

JUST LIKE--

[INHALES]

[EXHALES] AHHH!

MOM...

[LAVA NOISES]

DAD...

[INHALES]

[EXHALES] AHHH!

MOM...

[LAVA NOISES]

DAD, MOM.

[INHALES, LAVA NOISES

IN UNISON TO A RAP BEAT]

♪ WE WILL ROCK YOU

♪ HAMMER TIME

ABOUT LIKE--

WE JOKE WHEN WE CAN.

AND SHE ENDS UP CRACKING

THE JOKES ON ME, YOU KNOW,

SERIOUSLY BECAUSE WE ARGUE

ABOUT EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME.

THAT'S ALL WE DO IS WE ARGUE.

WE ARGUE ABOUT TWO THINGS.

NUMBER ONE, WE ARGUE ABOUT

DUMB THINGS.

LIKE, FOR EXAMPLE, YOU KNOW,

IF YOU HAD A KID AND YOUR KID'S

GOING ON THE TONIGHT SHOW

YOU'D BE VERY EXCITED, RIGHT?

MY MOM, SHE WENT CRAZY,

YOU KNOW?

SHE'S THE ONLY PERSON IN THE

WORLD THAT WOULD LIKE YELL AT ME

ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

I WAS AT A VIETNAMESE

SUPERMARKET WITH HER.

WE TURNED IT INTO LIKE

AN ARGUMENT.

I WAS LIKE, "HEY, MOM, I JUST

WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT PART

OF THE TV SHOW I GET TO DO,

YOU KNOW, ON THE TONIGHT SHOW--"

"DAT PHAN, I'M SHOPPING.

YOU BETTER LEAVE ME ALONE.

[LAUGHTER]

I GOT A COUPON HERE.

THAT'S MOST IMPORTANT."

"NO, I JUST WANNA LET YOU KNOW

THAT, YOU KNOW, ON THE TONIGHT

SHOW--"

"DAT PHAN, WHAT DO YOU WANT

FOR LUNCH?

THAT'S WHAT'S IMPORTANT,

NOT TONIGHT.

RIGHT NOW IS WHAT'S IMPORTANT."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

"NO, I JUST WANNA LET YOU KNOW,

YOU KNOW, THAT JAY LENO'S

GONNA--"

"JAY LENO NOT GONNA MAKE YOUR

LUNCH.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M GONNA MAKE YOUR LUNCH.

I AM JAY LENO."

SHE'S LIKE GOING CRAZY.

WE JOKE-- WE ARGUE ABOUT GIRLS

ALL THE TIME--

THE SAME THING.

YOU KNOW, I MEAN, LIKE MOM--

I DATE AN ASIAN GIRL RIGHT NOW.

SHE'S VIETNAMESE.

I THINK SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.

BEFORE THAT I DATED CAUCASIAN

GIRLS.

I REALLY DON'T CARE.

YOU KNOW IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT

THE RACE IS.

BUT MY MOM, I DON'T THINK SHE'S

RACIST BUT I THINK SHE'S REALLY

OLD-FASHIONED, YOU KNOW?

AND SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO LIKE

TALK ABOUT IT WITH ME.

SHE'S LIKE, "DAT PHAN, YOU LIKE

THE SOUP?

EAT THE SOUP RIGHT THERE.

YOU LIKE THE SOUP?

WHY YOU DATE THE WHITE GIRL?

[LAUGHTER]

WHY DON'T YOU EAT THIS SOUP?

YOU LIKE THE WHITE GIRL?

WHY NOT THE SOUP?

WHY DATE THE WHITE GIRL?"

I LOVE HOW SHE SAYS IT, TOO.

LIKE, "WHY YOU DATE THE WHITE

GIRL?

SHE IS THE ONE.

SHE'S IS THE MATRIX.

[SOUND OF WIND BLOWING]

[LAUGHTER]

WHY YOU DATE THE WHITE GIRL,

DAT PHAN?

WHY DON'T YOU DATE A LITTLE

ASIAN GIRL?

SMALL, COMPACT.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT'S SHE TRYING TO SELL ME,

A CAR?

"LIKE 50% OFF, HUH, SON?

DAT PHAN, SHE MUST BE

LIQUIDATED.

LOW APR RIGHT HERE, FOUR ON THE

FLOOR.

DAT PHAN, SHE'S LIKE A FERBIE.

THERE'S A COMPUTER CHIP INSIDE

HER HEAD.

YOU CAN GET HER FOR CHRISTMAS."

I COME HOME, THERE'S LIKE AN

ASIAN GIRL ON THE COUCH I DON'T

KNOW.

I'M LIKE, "MOM, WHO'S THAT?"

"I DON'T KNOW.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SHE COULD BE YOUR WIFE.

TAKE HER FOR A TEST DRIVE, SON.

SHE WAIT FOR YOU."

[LAUGHTER]

HEY, GUYS, I DO THE ACCENTS IN

MY ACT BECAUSE IT'S A PART OF

MY LIFE--

IT'S IN THE CULTURE AND

EVERYTHING LIKE THAT.

BUT I REALLY HAVE A LOT OF

RESPECT FOR PEOPLE WITH ACCENTS.

YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE DATING IS HARD ENOUGH

AS IT IS.

AND I SEE YOU GUYS OUT THERE

WITHOUT ACCENTS AND THEY'RE LIKE

BLOWING IT.

THEY'RE THROWING OUT LIKE

BAD LINES AT WOMEN, SERIOUSLY.

THEY'RE LIKE, "HEY, IS YOUR

FATHER A THIEF?

[CLICKING SOUND]

[LAUGHTER]

BECAUSE I WONDER WHO STOLE

THE STARS IN THE SKIES AND STUCK

THEM IN YOUR EYES."

I SEE REALLY BAD LINES LIKE

THAT.

IMAGINE THE POOR GUYS WITH THE

ACCENTS.

[THICK ASIAN ACCENT]

LIKE, "HEY, YOUR FATHER,

I WONDER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DOES HE STEAL THINGS?

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

BECAUSE I WONDER WHO STOLE

THE STAR FROM YOUR EYEBALL...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND STICK IT IN YOUR BELLY."

[SLAPPING SOUND]

YOU KNOW WHO I'M TALKING ABOUT?

THOSE SMOOTH TALKING GUYS LIKE,

[CAUCASIAN ACCENT] "I ONLY HAVE

EYES FOR YOU, BABY."

[ASIAN ACCENT] "I ONLY HAVE ONE

EYEBALL...

[LAUGHTER]

AND IT'S FOR YOU.

WHERE YOU GO?"

♪ [MUSIC PLAYING]

YOU GUYS, SERIOUSLY.

I KNEW THAT COMEDY WAS THE THING

FOR ME BECAUSE IT'S A REAL

STRESS RELIEVER, YOU KNOW?

FOR EXAMPLE, ME AND MY

GIRLFRIEND, WE GOT HOME

PREGNANCY TESTS AND THEY CAME

OUT POSITIVE.

[SILENCE]

THANK YOU.

YOU GUYS ARE A VERY WARM CROWD.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS JUST--

[THICK ASIAN ACCENT]

TOO LATE, TOO LATE.

I WAS EXPECTING A ROUND OF

APPLAUSE.

INSTEAD I GET THIS,

"RUN, DAT PHAN, RUN.

SWIM BACK TO VIETNAM.

GO NOW.

THERE'S NO CHILD SUPPORT BEHIND

THE PALM TREES.

JUST GO."

[LAUGHTER]

BUT YOU CAN'T REALLY TRUST

HOW ACCURATE THOSE THINGS ARE,

YOU KNOW?

SO I PEED IN THE CUP AGAIN.

[LAUGHTER]

AND IT STILL CAME OUT POSITIVE.

I'M JUST KIDDING.

NOBODY'S PREGNANT.

I JUST...

FROM?

IT COMES FROM LIKE POVERTY,

RIGHT?

I'M LIKE-- YOU'RE JUST LIKE

SO BROKE ALL THE TIME YOU DON'T

EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO.

SERIOUSLY, LIKE HOW MANY GUYS

ARE BROKE?

ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR YOU GUYS

THAT ARE JUST BROKE BEYOND

RECOGNITION, YOU KNOW?

[APPLAUSE]

IT GOT ME THROUGH LIKE BEING

POOR, YOU KNOW?

IT REALLY GOT ME THROUGH BEING

POOR AND ALL THAT.

BUT I'M JUST SO SICK OF

TOP RAMEN.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M SO SICK OF TOP-- YOU KNOW?

LIKE ARE YOU JUST SICK OF LIKE

MACARONI AND TOP RAMEN?

TOP RAMEN AND CHEESE,

TOP RAMEN AND MILK,

CEREAL, TOP RAMEN.

YOU CAN'T--

BUT I MADE MY CHOICE.

YOU KNOW I MADE MY CHOICE

OF DOING STAND-UP.

AND, YOU KNOW, I'M NOT MAD

AT MY MOM, YOU KNOW?

LIKE WE HAD A HARD TIME.

LIKE WHEN I FIRST STARTED OUT

I WAS GOING TO LIKE COMMUNITY

COLLEGE FOR LIKE SEVEN YEARS.

[LAUGHTER]

I STARTED OUT WITH PRE-MED.

I ENDED UP WITH LIKE TRYING

TO WORK ON A DEGREE IN ART.

I JUST WANTED OF LIKE JUST

DOODLE.

AND YOU KNOW THE THING IS

I STARTED OUT WITH NOTHING.

I INVESTED MONEY INTO A

PA SYSTEM TO PRACTICE COMEDY

ON MY OWN OUT OF COFFEE SHOPS.

MY MOM, SHE LIKE FLIPPED OUT.

SHE LIKE, "DAT PHAN, WHAT,

YOU CRAZY, HUH?

WHAT YOU DOING?"

SHE CALLS ON MY DAD FOR BACKUP

LIKE HE CARES.

YOU KNOW, LIKE HE'S A COP.

"FU PHAN, COME HERE, UNIT 411,

COME HERE.

YOUR SON IS CRAZY, HE CUCKOO.

WE GOT A SITUATION 51/50 HERE.

YOUR SON IS--

[LAUGHTER]

DAT PHAN, WHAT YOU DOING?"

I WANNA BE A COMEDIAN, MOM.

I WANNA MAKE AMERICA LAUGH

SOME DAY.

"NO, NO, NO.

YOU BECOME A DOCTOR.

I LAUGH AT YOU.

HA-HA.

SEE I CAN DO IT.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

FU PHAN, COME HERE, LOOK WHAT

YOUR SON DOING.

I GIVE HIM MONEY FOR SCHOOL

FOR BOOK.

LOOK WHAT HE BUY."

MY DAD WILL CHECK IT OUT.

"HELLO?

TWO ASIANS WALK INTO A BAR...

[LAUGHTER]

[INHALES]

TWO WEEKS LATER, THEY OWN IT.

THANK YOU.

[EXHALES] AHHH!"

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I'LL TELL YOU GUYS BEFORE

I GO I DON'T BLAME MY MOM FOR

BEING UPSET AT ME FOR CHOOSING

STAND-UP FOR A CAREER.

I REALLY DON'T, SERIOUSLY.

BECAUSE ALL OF HER FRIENDS WOULD

TALK ABOUT THEIR KIDS, YOU KNOW?

THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, THAT'S

MY SON, KWAN.

YEAH, HE'S GONNA BE A LAWYER.

HE JUST GRADUATED FROM

LAW SCHOOL.

YEAH, HE GRADUATED 4.0,

YOU KNOW, SUMMA CUM LAUDE..."

OR WHATEVER THE HECK, YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER]

MY POOR MOM, SHE'S LIKE

"THAT'S MY SON, DAT PHAN."

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

"HE CRACK JOKES ALL THE TIME.

I TELL HIM GO TO LAW SCHOOL,

BECOME A LAWYER.

BUT, NO, HE MOVE UP

TO HOLLYWOOD.

HE LIVE OUT OF-- HE LIVE OUT OF

HIS CAR EAT TOP RAMEN WITH ALL

THE GAY GUYS."

[LAUGHTER]

THANK YOU, I'M DAT PHAN.

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