Monday, October 3, 2016

  • 10/03/2016

Brendon Small, Steve Agee and Doug Benson predict Donald Trump's next gaffe, find out why a Seattle man was banned from a public bus and offer #TrumpFinancialTips.

It's been a rough couple of daysfor Donald Trump,

the inspiration for the hitviral video "Annoying Orange,"

which I didn't know a lot ofpeople know, but there it is.

-(laughter) -A New York Times investigation suggested

that he may not have paid taxessince 1995,

when he lost almosta billion dollars, with a "B."

It was also revealedthat he made an appearance

in a soft-core porn movieright there. Uh...

(laughter and groaning)

The New York Attorney Generalbanned The Trump Foundation

from doing any fund-raisingin the state.

And in a late night tweet-storm,he encouraged America

to watch a Miss Universewinner's nonexistent sex tape.

Although-- I don't know--

I guess the phrase"check out sex tape"

could bean unrelated endorsement

for the 2014 Cameron Diaz,Jason Segel romp, Sex Tape.

I don't knowwhy he was doing that otherwise.

Some analysts are calling it theworst week in campaign history.

Worse even than whenWilliam Howard Taft admitted

he had an adult baby fetish.You guys remember that?

-You probably remember that,right? -(laughter, groaning)

-Wow.-Wow.

-"I've soiled my diapy."(mutters) -(laughter)

But if there's one thing I know

about this jaundiced walruswrapped in cellophane,

it's that he never stopstopping himself.

So, comedians,

what is Trump gonna do this weekto make it even worse?

-Steve Agee. -Milk his titson live TV and try...

(laughter)

-And there's more.-(laughter)

And try to sell itas "stamina sauce."

-HARDWICK: All right. Yeah.Points. -(laughter and groaning)

-I'll give you points for that.Aw. -(applause)

Uh, Doug Benson.

I heard he's gonnaendorse himself.

-(laughter)-HARDWICK: All right.

Points. He might. Brendon.

He's going to reveal

that stop-and-friskis how he met Melania.

A news reportfrom Seattle's KIRO-7

was going around this weekabout this guy.

Uh, that is not Tom Selleckin witness protection.

That is... Matthew Little,the man who was recently banned

from riding the public bus.

Comedians, what did he doto receive this ban?

He smelled like marijuana,or he offered everyone

a discount mustache ride?

Doug Benson.

(laughing)

What happened with my unclewas this.

Okay, good.What is he doing, Doug?

What is he up to?

I worry that he got kicked offfor smelling like marijuana.

Okay, let's find out.

NEWSWOMAN:Kitsap Transit accused Little

of emitting an odor on buses

that unreasonablydisturbs others.

LITTLE: From time to time,I smell like I just smoked

some marijuanaprobably because I just did.

(laughter)

(applause, whooping)

Yeah. Why not?

He looks like a...like a magician pirate.

-(laughter) -He's gotthe worst of both worlds.

That is a very harsh punishmentfor a man who looks like

the image you get whenyou Google "bus passenger."

Uh, now it's timefor tonight's #HashtagWars.

(cheering, applause)

The worst part of The Donald'sterrible, horrible,

no-good, very bad week has gotto be his leaked tax return

showing that he probably hasn'tpaid taxes in two decades.

This after Trump declared a lossof $916 million in 1995.

To put that insane amountof money in context,

that's 14 private jets,63 minor league baseball teams,

or 45.8 million dildoson Amazon.

Uh, Trump's campaign is playinghis alleged tax evasion off

as a smart business move,though they're facing

a pretty tough critic--Trump of the past.

He criticized President Obamafor not paying enough taxes,

the middle classfor not paying enough taxes,

and even braggedabout how much tax he paid.

Wow, that Donald Trump guy

is not doing Donald Trumpany favors.

Uh, but since the AngryRoad Cone is only minutes away

from the nuclear codes,

Donald Trump clearlyhas it all figured out.

Which is why tonight's hashtagis TrumpFinancialTips.

Examples might be-- claimyour toupee as a dependent,

-(laughter)-or...

save moneyby buying wives in bulk.

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Steve Agee.-Take some very classy

glossy photos of your daughter

and sell them to the choicestperverts in New York City.

All right, points.Choicest. Doug.

Always bet against black.

-All right.-(laughter, groaning)

Yeah, you heard me.This is serious.

All right, points.

Brendon.

Save money on hatsby wearing road kill.

-All right, points.-(audience groans)

-Agee.-If your taxes are too high,

fat-shame them.

(laughter)

(applause)

Points.

Steve.

Market your tit milkas stamina sauce.

-(laughter)-All right, points.

All right, for Brendon.

Never pay for goods or services.

All right, points.

Doug.

Uh, lose $900 million?Check the sofa cushions.

HARDWICK:All right, points.

Steve.

Plant some magic beans.

Maybe they'll growinto a beanstalk,

and you can go rob a giant.

HARDWICK: All right, points.

What is this characteryou're doing?

HARDWICK:He's doing...

-That's, that's Donald...-Trump-ish.

Steve, I'd like to speakto Donald Trump for a moment.

Go ahead, Chris.

(laughter)

HARDWICK: So how do you planto market stamina sauce?

I'm going to milk my tittiesinto a jar.

(laughing)

I will use Saran Wrap,Donald Trump Saran Wrap.

I don't know.(bleep) it.