CC Presents: Victoria Jackson

  • 08/15/2000

THANK YOU.

HIT IT, BOYS.

♪ THRILL ME, THRILL ME.

♪ WALK ME DOWN THE LANEWHERE SHADOWS WILL BE, ♪

♪ WILL BE HIDING LOVERSJUST THE SAME AS-- ♪

SHE LOOKS SCARED--

♪ WE'LL BE

♪ WHEN YOU MAKE ME TELL YOUI LOVE YOU. ♪

♪ THEY TOLD ME, "BE SENSIBLEWITH YOUR NEW LOVE. ♪

♪ DON'T BE FOOLED, THINKINGTHIS IS THE LAST YOU'LL FIND." ♪

♪ BUT THEY NEVER STOODIN THE DARK WITH YOU, LOVE, ♪

♪ WHEN YOU TAKE MEIN YOUR ARMS ♪

♪ AND DRIVE ME SLOWLYOUT OF MY MIND. ♪

♪ KISS ME, KISS ME.

♪ ...I KNOW THATYOU WILL MISS ME. ♪

♪ YOU'LL MISS ME

♪ IF WE EVER SAY ADIEU,

♪ SO KISS ME.

[sighing]♪ KISS ME.

♪ MAKE ME TELL YOUI'M IN LOVE WITH... ♪

♪ YOU. ♪

THANK YOU.

[applause]

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU;SINGING IS JUST MY SIDELINE.

MY MAIN TALENT IS POETRY,

BUT MY DAD SAID YOU CAN'T MAKEMUCH MONEY AT IT

SO YOU SHOULD HAVE SOMETHINGTO FALL BACK ONTO,

SO I TOOK UP SINGING.

SO I'D REALLY LIKE TO TELL YOUSOME OF MY POEMS,

AND THE FIRST ONE IS A MUSTACHE BY VICTORIA JACKSON.

"A MUSTACHE IS A SILLY THING,

"A TICKLY, FICKLY,PRICKLY THING,

"A PATCH OF HAIR GROWINGOVER YOUR LIP,

A HAIRY SPOTOVER THE PLACE YOU SIP."

I WROTE THISWHEN I WAS TEN, SO IT'S--

"SOME PEOPLE THINKA MUSTACHE IS JOLLY.

"OTHERS THINK ITJUST PURE FOLLY.

"BUT TO ME, A MUSTACHE IS NICEAND ADDS SPICE TO LIFE,

AS LONG AS IT DOESN'T GROWON YOUR WIFE."

THANK YOU.

[applause]

YOU CAN SAVESOME OF YOUR CLAPPING

'CAUSE THERE'S A WHOLE BUNCHMORE STUFF.

THE NEXT POEMI WROTE WHEN I WAS 17,

AND IT'S CALLED THE LIFE OF A GYMNAST

BY VICTORIA JACKSON.

"THE LIFE OF A GYMNASTIS REALLY ROUGH.

[applause]

"THE LIFE OF A GYMNASTIS REALLY ROUGH.

"HER TOES AND HEELSARE TOUGH.

[babbling rapidly]

"YOUR BUST IS SO BIGTHE BOYS ALL TEASE YOU.

"YOU DID A FULL TWIST;COACH WON'T BELIEVE YOU.

"WORK ON YOUR ROUTINENIGHT AND DAY,

"LISTENING TO COACHREPEATEDLY SAY,

"SPREAD YOUR KNEES, POINT YOUR TOES.

"DON'T LOOK DOWN.

[muttering rapidly]

"VICTORIA'S TYPEIS REALLY NOT RARE.

YOU CAN TELL A GYMNASTBY THE SMILE SHE'LL WEAR."

[applause]

THANK YOU.

WELL, 40 YEARS OLD.

AND I DON'T WANTTO LIVE IN MIAMI.

YOU SEE, WHAT HAPPENED WAS,

FIRST I HAD TO DIVORCEMY EX-HUSBAND, SATAN.

ANYONE ELSE HEREEVER BEEN MARRIED TO SATAN?

HE GETS AROUND.

AND HE SAIDHE'S GOING TO SUE ME

IF I KEEP CALLING HIM THATIN PUBLIC,

SO NOW I JUST CALL HIM

"THE ARTISTFORMERLY KNOWN AS SATAN."

SO THEN I CALLED UPMY HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEART,

WHO I HADN'T SEEN FOR TEN YEARS,AND HE MARRIED ME.

SO I HAVE TO LIVEWHERE HE LIVES.

AND--IN OUR HOMETOWN, MIAMI--

AND THERE'S ONLY THREE TYPESOF PEOPLE THERE:

CUBAN, RETIRED, AND NAKED.

AND I DON'T FITINTO ANY OF THOSE CATEGORIES,

SO I DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS.

AND SOMETIMES YOU'LL MEETSOMEONE WHO'S ALL THREE:

A CUBAN RETIRED NAKED PERSON.

YOU KNOW, I SAID "PAUL,WHY DO WE HAVE TO LIVE HERE?

"IT'S HOT AND HUMID,AND THERE'S NO SEASONS,

AND THERE'S A LOT OF CRIME."

AND HE GOES, "I KNOW, VICKY,IT'S THE ARMPIT OF AMERICA."

AND I SAID, "NO,IT'S NOT THE ARMPIT.

"IT'S--WELL, IT'S LIKEA PENINSULA, YOU KNOW?

"AND, YOU KNOW,MIAMI IS LIKE THE TIP,

"AND, LIKE, THE KEYS ARELITTLE DROPS COMING OUT OF IT.

AND THAT'S WHY ALL THE WATER'SSALTY AROUND THERE."

WELL, I ALWAYS THOUGHTIT WAS A WEIRD-SHAPED STATE;

I JUST NEVER SAID ITOUT LOUD BEFORE.

I THINK THE ARMPIT WOULD BE LIKENEW YORK AND L.A.,

AND, LIKE,THE SHOULDERS WOULD BE,

LIKE, MAINE AND SEATTLE,OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

BUT ANYWAY, SO--AND IT'S, LIKE, THIS IS AMERICA.

SHOULDN'T WE ALL SPEAKTHE SAME LANGUAGE?

[applause]

AND I WAS, LIKE, THINKING,LIKE, YOU KNOW,

"WHAT HAPPENED TO ALLTHE S's AND THE T's

THAT THE BLACKS LOST?"

YOU KNOW, LIKE, I AXED DA MAN FOR DA BIDNESS.

WHASUP?

THE GAYS STOLE THEM.

BROOSS, SSSTOP.

I'M CROSSSSING THE SSSTREET.

BROOSS, SSSTOP.

AND THEN I WAS THINKING,"WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THE R's

THAT THE ASIANS AND THE BOSTONPEOPLE LOST?"

YOU KNOW, LIKE TWO ODER FLIED LICE

AND PAAK THE CAA IN HAAVAAD YAAD?

THE MEXICANS AND THE CUBANSSTOLE THEM:

BURRRRITO, RRROSA.

THANK YOU.

[applause]

THAT'S A NEW JOKEI'VE BEEN WORKING ON

BECAUSE I TOLD MY BROTHER I WANTTO GET MORE EDGY IN MY COMEDY

AND ATTACK DIFFICULT ISSUESLIKE RACISM,

SO THAT'SWHAT WE CAME UP WITH.

[laughter]

I'M TRYING TO TOUGHEN UPMY IMAGE.

I DON'T HAVE ANY TATTOOSOR PIERCINGS YET,

WELL, SINCE I'D LAST SEENMY HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEART,

HE'D BECOME A COP.

AND I THOUGHT,"OH, COPS ARE SO BRAVE.

THEY RISK THEIR LIVESPROTECTING US FROM BAD PEOPLE,"

AND THEN I MET THEM ALL.

AND I FOUND OUTTHEY GO TO HOOTERS...

EVERY DAY.

SO I WROTE A SONG ABOUT IT.

BUT, SEE, WHEN I WAS 20, THE TONIGHT SHOW TOLD ME

IF YOU PUT A POEM TO MUSIC,YOU CAN MAKE MORE MONEY,

EVEN IF YOU ONLY KNOWTHREE CHORDS,

LIKE THE ROLLING STONES.

SO ALL MY POEMS BECAME SONGS.

SO ANYWAY--WHERE WAS I?OH, YEAH.

MY HUSBAND, HE GOES, "HOOTERS ISA FAMILY RESTAURANT."

AND I GO, "YEAH,WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM--STUPID?

YEAH, IT HAS AN OWL THEME: HOOT, HOOT."

AND HE GOES, "NO,THEY HAVE REALLY GOOD WINGS."

AND I GO, "OH, WELL, I GOTO THIS PLACE CALLED BALLS.

"IT'S A FAMILY RESTAURANT.

"YEAH, AND ALL THE WAITERS WEARORANGE JOCKSTRAPS,

AND THEY HAVEREALLY GOOD NUGGETS."

[laughter]

GO, VICKY. GO, VICKY.

SO HE QUIT GOING THERE,YOU KNOW.

SO ANYWAY,I'M IN THE SUBURBS OF MIAMI,

AND I WAS WATCHING BARNEYALL DAY,

AND I WAS GETTINGREALLY TIRED OF IT,

AND I LOVE MY KIDS, BUTYOU KNOW, SUBURBS, YOU KNOW.

I GO OUT ON THE PATIOEVERY NIGHT,

AND I READ THE STARAND THE ENQUIRER

TO KEEP UPWITH MY FAMOUS FRIENDS,

AND I KNOWALL THE STORIES ARE TRUE,

'CAUSE I WAS IN IT ONCE,AND IT WAS TRUE.

AND I NOTICED THEY NEVERHAVE ANY ARTICLES

ABOUT HAPPILY MARRIED PEOPLEWHO LIVE IN THE SUBURBS,

SO I WROTE A SONG ABOUT IT.

♪ NOBODY RESPECTSA SUBURBANITE. ♪

♪ THEY THINK YOU'VE SETTLEDFOR THE LOWEST FORM OF LIFE. ♪

♪ YOU MUST NOT BE AMBITIOUSIF YOU'VE GOT A HOUSE, ♪

♪ A CAR, TWO KIDS, A DOG,AND YOU ARE SOMEONE'S WIFE. ♪

♪ BUT OOHHHH,IF YOU WERE A LESBIAN, ♪

♪ YOU WOULD BE SO COOL,BREAKING EVERY RULE. ♪

♪ AND IF YOU WANTTO GET A KICK, ♪

♪ YOU KISS YOUR LOVERON THE STREET ♪

♪ AND KNOCK THE BAPTISTSOFF THEIR FEET. ♪

I'M A BAPTIST,SO I CAN SAY THAT.

♪ THEN YOU COULD BE THE LOVEROF A LESBIAN ROCK STAR ♪

♪ OR TENNIS STAROR SITCOM STAR ♪

♪ AND TRAVELALL OVER THE WORLD. ♪

♪ THEN WHEN SHE DUMPS YOUFOR ANOTHER LESBIAN LOVER, ♪

♪ YOU CAN WRITE A BOOK ABOUT HERAND MAKE A MILLION DOLLARS ♪

♪ AND THEN FINDYOUR REAL TRUE LOVE ♪

♪ AND HAVE A BABY BY AN AGINGDRUG ADDICT ROCK STAR ♪

♪ AND MOVE INTO A HOUSEIN THE SUBURBS. ♪

[applause]

GOT TO CONSTANTLYUPDATE THE ACT, YOU KNOW.

♪ BUT NOBODY RESPECTSA SUBURBANITE. ♪

♪ THEY THINK YOU'VE SETTLEDFOR THE LOWEST FORM OF LIFE. ♪

♪ YOU MUST NOT BE AMBITIOUSIF YOU'VE GOT A HOUSE, ♪

♪ A CAR, TWO KIDS, A DOG,AND YOU ARE SOMEONE'S WIFE. ♪

♪ BUT OHHHH,IF YOU WERE A HEROIN ADDICT ♪

♪ LIVING IN AN ALLEY-- SPEAKING OF HEROIN,

I RAN INTO ROBERT DOWNEY, JR.,A YEAR AGO.

WE WERE AT A BAR IN L.A.,AND HE WAS KIND OF TIPSY.

I THINK HE WAS CELEBRATINGGETTING OUT OF REHAB LAST TIME.

AND I SAID "ROBERT, REMEMBER ME?

"I HAD TO KISS YOU IN THE MOVIE THE PICKUP ARTIST,

AND I TELL EVERYONEYOU'RE A REALLY GOOD KISSER."

AND HE GOES, "OH, YEAH."

AND THEN THIS PHOTOGRAPHERBEHIND HIM SAID,

"GIVE HIM A LITTLE KISS,"SO I DID.

I CALLED MY HUSBAND,THE COP, THAT NIGHT,

AND I GO, "PAUL, I MIGHT BEIN THE NEWSPAPER TOMORROW

"KISSING ROBERT DOWNEY, JR.

"I DON'T CAREIF THE HEADLINE SAYS,

"VICTORIA DOES HEROIN WITH ROBERT.

I JUST HOPE I DON'T LOOK FAT."

I WAS STRETCHING MY NECK OUTLIKE THAT, YOU KNOW.

AND THEN ROBERT GOES,"SO WHO ARE YOU MARRIED TO NOW?"

BECAUSE WHEN HE KNEW ME,

I WAS MARRIED TO SATAN,YOU KNOW.

I GUESS HE KNEWIT WOULDN'T LAST.

AND I SAID,"OH, A POLICEMAN."

AND I TURNED AROUND,AND ROBERT DISAPPEARED.

THAT'S TRUE.

♪ BUT OH, IF YOU'RE A HEROINADDICT LIVING IN AN ALLEY, ♪

♪ A TV TALK SHOW PRODUCERCOULD TRIP OVER YOU, ♪

♪ AND YOU COULD END UP

♪ ON PHIL, MONTEL, OPRAH, RICKI, OR SALLY. ♪

♪ THEN THEY COULD PAYFOR YOU TO GO TO REHAB. ♪

♪ YOU COULD MEET SOMEONE FAMOUSIN REHAB AND MARRY THEM ♪

♪ AND MOVE INTO THEIR MANSIONWITH THEIR MALTESE PUPPY. ♪

♪ THEN WHEN YOU GET DIVORCED,MAKE A MILLION DOLLARS, ♪

♪ AND FIND YOUR REAL TRUE LOVE

♪ AND MOVE INTO A HOUSEIN THE SUB--OH! ♪

♪ BUT NOBODY RESPECTSA SUBURBANITE, ♪

♪ ETCETERA, ETCETERA.

♪ BUT SOMETHING GOOD MUST HAPPENWHEN THE KIDS ARE IN BED, ♪

♪ OR I'D BE SOMEWHERE ELSEINSTEAD. ♪

THANK YOU.

THAT THERE'S A NEW PLAYBOYFOR MARRIED MEN,

AND IT HAS THE SAME CENTERFOLDEVERY MONTH.

[laughter]

I WAS LIKE,

"OH."

[chuckling blandly]

LIKE, I REALLY LOVETHIS HUSBAND,

AND WE'VE BEEN MARRIEDSEVEN YEARS,

SO I SHOULD PROBABLY DRESS UPLIKE OTHER WOMEN

TO KEEP HIM EXCITED, YOU KNOW.

BUT I ONLY KNOWEIGHT IMPRESSIONS, SO I THOUGHT,

"WELL, IF IT WORKS, I'LL LEARNMORE IMPRESSIONS," YOU KNOW.

SO THE FIRST NIGHTHE CAME HOME FROM WORK,

I DRESSED UP LIKE ZSA ZSA

IN THE FURRY THINGAND THE WIG AND THE ACCENT,

AND HE CAME IN THE FRONT DOORIN HIS LITTLE POLICE COSTUME.

I LIKE TO CALL IT THAT

BECAUSE HE TAKES ITSO SERIOUSLY, YOU KNOW--

BANG, BANG. TEN-FOUR.

AND HE CAN'T LEAVE HIS POLICEPERSONALITY AT WORK.

THE OTHER DAY, WE WERE IN BED,AND HE PUT HIS ARM AROUND ME,

AND HE GOES, "DO YOU HAVEANY IDEA WHY I PULLED YOU OVER?"

[laughter]

HE HAS ALL THESE WALKIE-TALKIESAND FLASHLIGHTS AND BADGES,

GUNS, AND LITTLE POCKETS,AND EVERYTHING.

SO I GO, "DAHLING,I'VE VORKED ALL OVER THE VORLD,

AND I JUST VANTTO BE WITH YOU."

AND HE GOES, "VICKY,WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

AND I GO, "I DIDN'T VANTTO SLAP A COP.

I VANTED TO SPANK HIM."

AND HE GOES, "VICKY."

AND I GO, "I'M ZSA ZSA.

YOU KNOW, SAME CENTERFOLDEVERY NIGHT? ZSA ZSA."

AND HE GOES,"VICKY, SHE'S OLD AND FAT."

AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, YEAH."

SO THE NEXT NIGHT, I GO,

"OKAY, I KNOW;I'LL DO MY BEST IMPRESSION."

SO I PUT A PILLOWIN MY TEDDY,

AND WHEN HE CAME INTHE FRONT DOOR, I GO,

[mimicking Roseanne]"SO, LIKE,

"YOU WANT TO GO TO BED AND ALLTHAT CRAP AND EVERYTHING?

"WHERE WERE YOU?

IN THE POLICE HELICOPTER ALL DAYLOOKING AT BOOBS?"

SOMETHING LIKE THAT;I'M A LITTLE RUSTY.

YOU KNOW WHO I'M DOING.

HE GOES, "VICKY."

AND I GO, "WELL,SHE HAS HER OWN TV SHOW."

[laughter and applause]

BUT I SHOULD'VE DONEMY FRAN DRESCHER,

BECAUSE SHE'S YOUNGAND SHE'S THIN AND SHE'S HOT.

OR AT LEASTSHE THINKS SO.

JUST KIDDING.

[mimicking Drescher]HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO.

SO ANYWAY, JAY LENO,

I WAS HAVINGTHIS FANCY DINNER PARTY,

AND I LIT MY SWEATER ON FIRE.

HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO.

AND THEN I CUT MY FINGER OFF,

AND BLOOD WAS SQUIRTINGEVERYWHERE.

HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO.

SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

WELL, SEE, WHEN I WAS DOING THEWEIRD AL YANKOVIC MOVIE, U.H.F.,

WE WERE IN TULSA, AND IT WASBEFORE SHE WAS FAMOUS.

AND SHE CAME INTO MY HOTEL ROOMONE DAY, AND SHE GOES,

"VICTORIA, THERE'S NOTHINGTO DO HERE.

DO YOU WANT TO GOTO A WEIGHT WATCHERS' MEETING?"

LIKE, I DON'T KNOWIF SHE WENT OR NOT,

BUT SHE'S THIN, AND I'M NOT,SO MAYBE SHE WENT.

[laughter]

THIS ONE I'M STILL WORKING ON.OKAY, OKAY.

THIS IS GWEN STEFANIFROM NO DOUBT.

I'M NOT TRYING TO BE DIFFERENT;I JUST AM.

THIS IS WITHOUT MUSIC.IT'S REALLY HARD.

OKAY.

OKAY.

THIS IS MY IMPRESS--OH, OKAY.

THIS IS DOLLY PARTONIN FIRST GRADE.

I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCETO THE FLAG

OF THE UNITED STATESOF AMERICA.

DOES THIS LOOK GOOD?IS IT WORKING?

OKAY. OKAY.

THIS IS MY IMPRESSIONOF A VICTORIA'S SECRETS MODEL.

[coughs]

[whispering]I've got three secretsI'd like to share with you.

But, ssh, don't tell anyone.It'll just be our little secret.

My first secret is,a lot of men ask me,

"Are you as dumbas you appear on the show?"

And I say, "I don't know.I never watch the show."

[laughter]

My second secret is,a lot of men ask me,

Um...oh.

"How do you like it?"

And I say, "Like what?"

And they say,"You know, your sex."

And I say, "You mean,my sex, like being a woman?

Or, like, having it?"

And they say, "The second one."

And I say, "I forgot.Which one was the second one?"

And they say, "Victoria, stopdoing that stupid character."

And I say,"I'm not doing a character."

And they get mad and walk away.

My third secret is,a lot of people ask me,

"How do you feelabout your stereotype?"

And I say,"Well, I have a Panasonic,

but I'm gonna get a Sony."

THANK YOU.

HE HAS FIVE GUNS,A HELICOPTER, A MOTORCYCLE,

HE USED TO BEON THE SWAT TEAM,

AND HE WORKS CATTLEAT HIS MOM'S FARM.

SO I THOUGHT,"HE'S EITHER REALLY MACHO,

OR HE'S REALLY GAYAND HE'S OVERCOMPENSATING."

AND HE LIKES TO CLEAN THE HOUSEAND VACUUM,

SO I THINK HE'S REALLY GAY,BUT I'M JUST GONNA ENJOY HIM

TILL HE COMESOUT OF THE CLOSET, YOU KNOW.

AND HE SAYS, "VICKY,WE HAVE TO GO TO THE FARM."

AND IT'S AN EIGHT-HOUR DRIVE UPTHE COAST OF FLORIDA IN ONE DAY

TO TAKE CARE OF HIS MOM'S FARM,

BUT I SORT OF LIKE IT BECAUSEI'VE GOT A CAPTIVE AUDIENCE.

WE LEAVE THE KIDS WITH--

LAUGH REAL HARD NOW.

AND WE LEAVE THE KIDSWITH MY MOM.

SO WE'RE DRIVING ALONGIN THE CAR,

AND HIS SIDE OF THE CAR ISCOMPLETELY NEAT AND ORGANIZED

BECAUSE HE'S ANAL RETENTIVE.

MY MOM SAIDTHAT'S A BAD WORD,

BUT I SAW IT ON TV;IT'S SCIENTIFIC.

HE'S SO ORGANIZED, HE HAS A LISTIN HIS WALLET OF THINGS TO DO

THAT HE CHECKS EVERY DAY.

AND ON THE LIST,IT EVEN SAYS, "MAKE LIST."

YOU'RE NUDGING HIM.UH-HUH.

I'VE HEARD OF LISTS,BUT YOU KNOW.

AND THEN HE HAS CATEGORIESUNDERLINED.

ONE OF THEM SAID"PERSONAL," UNDERLINED.

AND I'M LIKE,

"IS THAT GOING TO THE BATHROOMAND BRUSHING YOUR TEETH?

YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO CHECK YOURLIST TO REMEMBER TO DO THAT?"

AND HE NEVER ANSWERED ME.

SO ONE TIME,I SNUCK IN HIS WALLET,

AND I MADE A NEW CATEGORY.

I WROTE "WIFE,"AND I UNDERLINED IT.

AND I WROTE UNDER IT,"SCREW HER BRAINS OUT."

AND IT WORKED.

SO NOW I SNEAK IN HIS WALLETTWICE A MONTH

AND WRITE THAT IN THERE.

AND HE GOES,"LOOK AT THE BEAUTIFUL SUNSET."

AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, YEAH."

AND I SAID, "I WONDER WHYIT GOES SO SLOW ALL DAY,

"AND RIGHT WHEN IT'SAT THE HORIZON,

IT GOES SO FAST,IF YOU BLINK, YOU'LL MISS IT."

I WONDER HOW THAT HAPPENS.

I MUST BE AT THE HORIZONOF MY LIFE

BECAUSE TIME IS GOINGSO FAST NOW,

AND TIME USED TO GO SO SLOWIN FIRST GRADE,

LIKE WALKING TO SCHOOLPAST THE MEAN DOG TOOK FOREVER.

AND THE BELL RANG FOREVER,

AND THE ANNOUNCEMENTSWERE FOREVER,

AND THE ANNOUNCEMENTS IN SPANISH

AND THEN WATCHING CARLOS EATHIS CRAYONS NEXT TO ME

AND WATCHING MRS. CASIOTA'SARM FAT JIGGLE

WHEN SHE WROTEON THE BLACKBOARD.

IT WOULD GO WHOOSH, WHOOSH.

AND NOW I WAKE UP,I WATCH FIVE MINUTES OF CNN,

I MAKE THREE PHONE CALLS,AND IT'S THE NEXT DAY.

HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?

SO I WROTE A SONG ABOUT IT.

AND THENSOME PEOPLE I KNEW DIED,

AND I WAS VERY SAD,SO I PUT IT INTO MY SONG.

BUT THERE'S JOKES IN IT;DON'T WORRY.

♪ YOU CAN'T BUY TALENTIN A GUITAR STORE. ♪

♪ YOU CAN'T BUY TALENTIN A GUITAR STORE, ♪

♪ BUT YOU COULD BUYLOTS OF GUITAR STRINGS, ♪

♪ LOTS OF CURVYWOODEN THINGS. ♪

♪ YOU CAN'T BUY TALENTIN A GUITAR STORE, ♪

♪ BUT YOU COULD BUYA NICE UKULELE. ♪

♪ I GOT MY KIDS A HAMSTERTHE OTHER DAY. ♪

♪ THEY LOVED HIM TO DEATH,YOU COULD SAY. ♪

♪ I TOLD THEM,"HOLD HIM GENTLE," ♪

♪ BUT THEY MADE HIM DO BALLET.

♪ YOU CAN'T BUY A HAMS-- IT'S TRUE--

♪ YOU CAN'T BUY A HAMSTERTHAT KNOWS BALLET, ♪

♪ BUT YOU COULD BUYA NICE UKULELE. ♪

♪ MY HUSBAND SAIDJUST THE OTHER DAY, ♪

♪ "LOOK AT THE SUNSETGOING DOWN THAT WAY. ♪

♪ "SEEMS TO GO SLOWTHE WHOLE DAY LONG, ♪

♪ BUT IT GOES MUCH FASTERWHEN IT'S NEAR THE HORIZON." ♪

WELL, YOU TRYTO RHYME THOSE TWO WORDS.

♪ "WHY DOES IT DO THAT,AND WHAT DOES IT MEAN?" ♪

♪ I JUST PLAYEDMY NICE UKULELE. ♪

♪ CALLED MY FRIEND UPTHE OTHER DAY, ♪

♪ INVITED HIM TO DINNERIN THE USUAL WAY. ♪

♪ HE SAID HE COULDN'T COME'CAUSE HE WAS IN THE HOSPITAL. ♪

♪ I SAID, "WHAT DO YOU HAVE?"HE SAID, "I'M TERMINAL." ♪

THAT REALLY HAPPENED.

♪ WE BOTH PAUSEDAND I STARTED PRAY. ♪

♪ I DIDN'T WANT TO PLAYMY NICE UKULELE. ♪

♪ NOW, THE BIBLE HASA WORD OR TWO ♪

♪ ABOUT ME AND ABOUT YOU.

♪ SEEMS TO SAYO'ER AND O'ER AGAIN ♪

♪ THE HORIZON IS NOTTHE END OF OUR LIFE SPAN. ♪

♪ SO I'LL SPEED UP MY SONG--THE HORIZON'S NEAR-- ♪

♪ AND TELL MY KIDSOUR HAMSTER'S IN HEAVEN ♪

♪ WITH MY FRIENDI HOLD SO DEAR. ♪

♪ AND I'LL GRIN AND PLAYUNTIL THE END OF THE DAY ♪

♪ ON MY NICE UKULELE.

♪ YOU CAN'T BUY ETERNAL LIFEIN A GUITAR STORE, ♪

♪ BUT YOU COULD BUY A BIBLEIN A BIBLE STORE ♪

♪ OR GET ONE FOR FREEIN A HOTEL ROOM DRAWER ♪

♪ OR BORROW ONE FROM ME

♪ AND READ JOHN 3:16O'ER AND O'ER. ♪

♪ BUT DON'T TALK ABOUT JESUS'CAUSE PEOPLE GET SORE. ♪

♪ JUST PLAYYOUR NICE UKULELE. ♪

THANK YOU.

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