Nikki Glaser

  • 05/03/2013

Nikki Glaser knows that eye contact with homeless men could mean falling in love.

I got called "Ma'am" today,

which I don't appreciate.

I'm not ma'am yet.Don't call me...

I just turned 25in June of 2009,

and that's how I'm saying it.

(laughter)

(laughs):Choosing to say it.

It happened at Starbucks.She was, like,

"Ma'am, can I get your namefor your drink? Ma'am? Ma'am?"

I turned around, like, where'sthe deaf old bitch?

I was like...

(laughter)

And then she was,like, "No, ma'am, you."

I was, like,"Does she want to fight? Uh..."

'Cause "ma'am" is rude."Ma'am" is...

On the spectrum of thingsto call a woman,

"ma'am" is, like,slightly under (bleep).

I think it's justa little bit nicer

than (bleep).

Not much, either.She could have been, like,

"Hey (bleep),can I get your name?"

I would have been, like,

"You can just write (bleep)on the cup. That's fun."

(laughter)

I'll know it's me.

Even though you'llprobably spell it wrong. Um...

(laughter)

They, uh, the name thing there,

they are alwayspassive-aggressive.

The other day, same scenario.

"Ma'am, can I get your name?"I was, like, "Nikki."

She was, like, "Dickie?"She starts writing "Dickie."

Real committed to "Dickie."

Everyone around me was,like, "Dickie?"

I was, like, "Yeah, it's Dickie.

"It's, uh, well,it's short for Dick-ole,

but she can call me "Dickie."

(scattered applause)Dickie.

My name is... Nikki.

There's a bunchof different ways to spell it.

I, um, I choose N-I-K-K-I.But I change it.

I was dating a guy named Nick

for a while--I changed it to N-I-C-K-Y.

I dated a black guyfor a while-- changed it

to N-I-Q-U-E-$.

I felt that that was fun.

It's creative.Thank you. Yeah.

We had a good time.

Then we broke up, and soI changed it to N-I-K-K-K-I.

I didn't want to do it.

It's not likeI'm proud of that.

I'm just stating... facts.

I was hurt, I was hurt.

I'm not... I'm not racist.That's not it.

I'm actuallyone of these people,

like, I hate the "N" word...

who lives in my building;I think he's a jerk, but...

I don't have a problemwith anyone else.

So...

I'm 28.

It's a weird age. It's the age, as a women,

when your body just startsto tell you to have a baby.

My body's just, like,"Have a baby."

My bank account's, like, "Don'tyou even (bleep) think about it.

(laughter)

"Have you seen us?

It's real sad in here."

Like, "Have you been drinking?"

Bank of America, uh,they e-mail me a lot

just to let me knowthings aren't going good.

They're not even my bank, so Ithink that that's kind of rude.

(quietly):Oh, no...

Things aregetting better slowly.

Last year was the brokestI've ever been.

I was at a point whereI was window-shopping at CVS.

Has anyone been there?

Oh, treating yourselfto a trip down aisle six?

Just staring downa box of Tampax Pearls?

(laughter)

Tell myself, "Someday...

you're gonna treat yourselflike a lady."

(laughter)

Tampons ain't cheap.

That is a true story.

I remember looking at the priceand being, like,

(splutters) I hope I'm pregnant,and I walked out.

(laughter)

It's crazy.

I don't want to be pregnant.

No, I am not old enoughor mature enough

to handle an abortion.

(laughter)I just think that I would...

giggle the whole time, you know?

Um... I'm just kidding.

I would never...I would definitely do it.

I just, um... well, if I getone more, I get one free,

so I want to fill outmy punch card

before they changethe rewards program.

I hate when they do that--or is that...

frozen yogurt?I get them confused.

(laughter)

Guys, I'm kid...I'm totally...

I'm pro-life.Um, I'm just pro-my-life,

and a baby would really (bleep)that up for me right now, so...

(applause)I'm, like, having fun.

Oh, thank you.

I, uh, I come from Missouri,

where there area lot of pro-lifers.

Um, they havea lot of billboards.

I was driving acrossthe state recently.

One, out of nowhere,was just, like:

"Thinking about abortion?"

I was, like, "N-No,but now I am. Thanks a lot."

'Cause what better wayto pass the time

on a long road trip...

than to just daydreamabout abortion?

You're in Kansas Citybefore you know it.

It was very jarring--I was, like, what the...?

And then,"Thinking of Abortion?"

The next one was:"Consider Adoption."

I'm, like, why would I wantsome stranger's baby

if I'm gonna get rid of my own?Like, what are they...

trying to complicate my life?

I know that, ah, female comics,sometimes people are like,

"All they talk about'stheir periods."

And I'm on mine right now,so I'll (bleep) do what I want!

I'm just kidding.

(laughter)I'm not.

I'm just kidding.

(laughs)

I, uh... I haven't had sexin a really long time,

'cause I quit drinking,so, that's kind of...

(laughter)

...how that works.

Oh, my God.

Have you had sober sex...with someone for the first time?

That is...I don't think it's poss...

I think... I hear you haveto be in love, or get raped.

I think those arethe two scenarios.

(laughter)I'm sorry.

And I lock up at night,

so, I'm never gonna findthe one, you know?

When I drank,I was an active slut.

It was great.

My number was...

(man whoops)Yeah. I don't like...

Oh, my number, um...my number can drive,

um, a rental car,so, that's, uh...

(laughter)

...different in every state.

Uh...

God... I don't rememberany of the sex I had.

It was all blackout.

You know, if you can'tremember it, did it happen?

I don't think so.

I think I'm the only virginwith HPV then.

(laughter)I think that's what that means.

So, that's exciting.

Thank you. Thank you.

I don't know...

I don't know why I'm eagerto have sex again,

'cause I don't thinkI'm good at it.

I recently hadto have phone sex,

uh, to talk downmy Verizon bill, and, um...

(laughter)Do what you got to do.

And I'm not good at it.

I'm, uh... 'cause you have to,like, be creative in the moment.

It comes out of nowhere.Like, "Talk dirty."

And I'm, like,"I have a vagina."

Just, like, stating facts.

(laughter)

He's, like,"What are you doing?"

I'm, like,"I'm just laying here. Bye."

And that's all I did.'Cause that's all I did.

That's all I do.

I just lay back and get it.

(laughter)

Girls, you can kind ofjust lay there, can't you?

Have you...

Being on bottom,it's-it's the tops down there.

(laughter)It's awesome.

It's enough that you're theremost of the time.

It's great.

I treat it like a massage.

I recommend it.

(laughter)And yes, they'll... sometimes

they'll ask you to participate,and you should.

You know, if he bought youdinner at Chili's or something,

uh, you should wiggle,you know.

That two-for-$20--that'll get you, but, um...

(laughter)

That's...

My friends get...get it waxed.

Um, it's expensive though.

It's, like, 60 bucksand then, after tip,

it's, like, 61 bucks orsomething-- I'm not doing that.

I've... I tried it. You know,I walked into a salon once

and, uh, I was just like,"I want the Brazilian."

And they were rude.They were like,

"Ma'am, this is Supercuts."

And I was like, "I know.

I have a Groupon.It's, like... Can we not..."

It ain't cheap.

So I... I wantedto try waxing, so I was like,

"Oh, I'll just go to Walgreens

and get a kit and do it myself."

I like arts and crafts.

And I don't likearts and crafts.

I've never finisheda scrapbook in my life.

Didn't finish this one either.

I didn't get pastthe second page,

if you know what I'm saying.

I don't know what I'm saying.

No, it was the worst.

They give you microwavable wax,

but every microwaveis different.

I just put it inand pressed "Popcorn."

I didn't... know.

Oh, God, I...(groans)

I burnt myself, I scolded mys...Not sc... Scalded.

I always... yeah, scol...

I was like, "(bleep) you!" Um...

Yeah, I really taught it a...I scalded myself and...

I only got two strips inand then I gave up

and I was like, "Well, I guessthis is my new look."

Looks like a pause button,but you know what?

Metaphor for my sex life now.

Puttin' this bitch on pause.

I was clever with it-- I calledit the Patch Adams. Uh...

'cause when I put a clown noseon it, it made sick kids laugh,

so that's why I called it that.

It was, like, a fun day ofvolunteering that I did, so...

Thank you.

I'm looking forward tohaving sex again,

but sober sex is gonna be weird'cause I'm gonna be, um,

conscious for when you guys(bleep).

Uh, that's always frightening.

Did you guys know that you turninto demons when you (bleep)?

Are you aware of that?

Is that a thing that you...were conscious of?

It scared me the first timeit happened-- a lot.

I did not see it c...

'Cause you're so sweet to usup until that moment.

It's just like, "Oh, baby..."And then it's just like...

(gibbering shout)

And I'm like, "Whoa!Where's Scott?!

What did you do with Scott?!"Aah!

It's horrifying.(chuckles)

It's so sc...

Then... it-it gets...Then you col...

Then it's just...You collapse on us.

And it gets really quiet.

And I'm like, (whispering):"The beast is dead.

I killed him."

But then you reanimate backinto your old sel...

You're like, "Hey, babe."

I'm like, "I've seenthe real you! Get off!"

(shudders)

It's so scary.

But it's what you do, and it'sweird when you think about it

'cause all of us,we're all here right now,

like, living right now, becausesome dude once went like...

(gibbering shout)

Isn't that weird?

Have you ever thoughtabout that?

All of us.

Because some dude... I know.

And by some dude,I mean your father.

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