Wednesday, May 21, 2014

  • 05/21/2014

Matt Jones, Whitney Cummings and Moshe Kasher list #BetterBatmanSuperman titles, create the inner monologues for models and write pickup lines for the elderly.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH!

>> Chris: WHEEL OF FORTUNEHOST PAT SAJAK CAUSED A TWIT

STORM OF CONTROVERSY WHEN HETWEETED OUT SOME RADICAL

BELIEFS THIS WEEK.

LET'S FIND OUT WHAT PAT TWEETED.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY WHEEL OF BAT(BLEEP)!

>> OKAY.

HERE WE HAVE OUR WHEEL OF BAT(BLEEP), INCLUDING CLIMATE

CHANGE DENIER, 9/11 TRUTHER ANDGAY MAFIA BELIEVER, LET'S SEE

WHAT BAT (BLEEP) IT LANDS ON.

>> CLIMATE CHANGE DENIER.

OKAY.

COMEDIANS, THIS IS THE REALTWEET FROM PAT SAJAK ABOUT

CLIMATE CHANGE IT SAYS "I NOWBELIEVE GLOBAL WARMING ALARMIST

ARE BLANK, BLANK. MISLEADING FORTHEIR OWN ENDS, GOOD NIGHT."

LET'S SEE IF YOU CAN SOLVE THEMISSING WORDS FROM THIS TWEET.

>> DING, DING, DING, DING.

BUZZ IN WHEN YOU KNOW THEANSWER.

>> OH.

>> MATT JONES>> UNPROTECTED REALIST.S

>> OH, (BLEEP) I'M SORRY.

>> YES, WHITNEY CUMMINGS.

>> UNPATRIOTIC RACISTS.

>> YES, UNPATRIOTIC RACISTSCORRECT ANSWER!

THIS BY THE WAY SOUNDS LIKE,WHEN HE SAYS "I NOW BELIEVE

GLOBAL WALRMING ALARMISTS --GOOD NIGHT!" IS THIS THE WAY

HE'S GOING TO SIGN OFF WHEELOF FORTUNE FROM NOW ON?

>> WHAT SHOULD PAT SAJAK'S NEWSIGNOFF BE, WHITNEY CUMMINGS.

>> I THINK HE SHOULD JUST KEEPIT SIMPLE AND SAY GOOD NIGHT.

>> Chris: POINTS, POINTS.

THAT BRINGS US TO THE END OFRAPID REFRESH.

NOW IN YESTERDAY'S SHOW WESHOWED YOU THE TERRIFYING NEW

MASCOT FOR LEMONHEADS CANDY ANDTHIS IS WHAT HAPPENED.

>> SO COMEDIANS IF YOU FELTCOMPELLED TO HIT UP LEMONHEAD,

WHAT WOULD YOU TWEET AT HIM. >> HEY, I THOUGHT YOU WERE BRENT

MORIN BECAUSE YOU LOOK JUST LIKEBRENT MORIN.

>> YOU JUST RUINED IT.

YOU RUINED MY LIFE.

NOBODY CALL ME LEMONHEAD AFTERTHIS.

>> NO, YOU CAN'T TELL THEINTERNET NOT TO DO THINGS.

>> YES I CAN.

DON'T CALL ME LEMONHEAD!

>> Chris: WELL, LEMONHEADSRESPONDED BY TWEETING THIS.

HASHTAG TWINSIES.[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> HI BRENT, I JUST DEVOUREDYOUR SOUL.

>> Chris: THEY ALSO TWEETEDTHIS.

>> RON FUNCHES, IT KEEPS GETTINGBETTER, HI, IT IS ME, BRENT

IT IS NOW TIME FOR HASHTAG WARS.

>> GUYS THE NEW BATMAN VERSUSSUPERMAN MOVIE WAS GIVEN A NAME

TODAY AND THE TITLE IS BATMANVERSUS SUPERMAN.

DAWN OF JUSTICE.

I AM VERY EXCITED ABOUT THIS,BUT WE THOUGHT WE COULD BEAT

THAT, SO TONIGHT'S HASHTAGS IS#BETTERBATMANSUPERMAN.

>> BATMAN VERSUS SUPERMANVERSUS STUBBORN KITCHEN MILDEW

BATMAN AND SUPERMAN GO TO WHITECASTLE , SOME SOME DIFFERENT

ONES WE CAN DO.

60-SECONDS ON THE CLOCK, GO.

>> MOSHE KASHER.

>> TIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION.

>> YES, POINTS.

>> MATT JONES.

>> FOUR BATMANS AND A FUNERAL.

>> YES.

POINTS.

WHITNEY CUMMINGS.

>> TYLER PERRY PRESENTSBATMADIEA VERSUS SUPERMADIEA.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: MATT JONES.

>> "TITANIC"... WASTE OF TALENTAND RESOURCES.

>> Chris: POINTS.

WHITNEY CUMMINGS.

>> TO BATMAN, THANKS FOREVERYTHING JULIE NUMAR.

>> Chris: GOOD TIE-IN TO THECLASSIC.

MOSHE KASHER.

>> AT LEAST OUR DIRECTOR DIDN'TMOLEST ANYONE.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, ALLRIGHT.

I GOTTA GIVE YOU POINTS.

YES.

MATT.

>> HOW TO LOSE AN AUDIENCE INTEN MOVIES.

>> Chris: POINTS.

WOW, MATT JONES AGAIN, WOW.>> OH, YES.

(BLEEP)!

>> I AM GETTING (BLEEP)ED!

>> OKAY.

>> BATMAN RETURNS AND THENBEGINS AND THEN WE ALL LOSE

INTEREST.

>> Chris: YES. OKAY, POINTS.

WHITNEY, WHITNEY.

>> BATMAN VERSUS SUPERMAN VERSUSBROWN VERSUS BOARD OF EDUCATION.

>> Chris: YES! POINTS. MOSHEKASHER.

>> SOLANGE VERSUS HOVA, THEDARK KNOWLES RISES.

AMERICAN APPAREL

>> I HAVE STARED INTO THE COLDABYSS OF NOTHINGNESS AND AN

AMERICAN APPAREL MODEL WASSTARING BACK.

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOUPICTURES OF THE DEAD-EYED

HIPSTERS FROM AMERICAN APPAREL'SWEB SITE AND FOR 250 POINTS YOU

HAVE TO GIVE ME THEIR INNERMONOLOGUE.

ALL RIGHT.

THIS FIRST COUPLE SET FOR ADEBRIEFING.

YES, MOSHE.

>> NEITHER OF US HAVE GENITALSANY LONGER.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> POINTS.

>> THIS IS SATAN'S LITTLEHELPER.

>> Chris: YES.

MATT.

>> I SAW MOMMY'S FISTING SANTACLAUS

>> Chris: YES. POINTS.

>> I THINK HE IS LIKE MAN THISIS AWESOME, I USUALLY COME ONCE

A YEAR.

>> Chris: BRAVO, WELL DONE,WHITNEY, NICE.

ALL RIGHT.

LAST ONE.

LOOK AT THIS CAGE FREE ANIMAL.

MOSHE.

>> FOR THE LAST TIME, THEFASHION INDUSTRY DOES NOT

DEHUMANIZE WOMEN.

BAAAAAAA.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> I THINK SHE'S LIKE, DOES THISSHEEP HEAD MATCH MY CAMEL TOE?

>> OH, NICE.

BEFORE THE BREAK, I SHOWED YOUTHIS INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEO OF A

TRICK I AM POSITIVE 40 PERCENTOF YOU TRIED DURING THE BREAK.

IT IS CALLED GRAPEFRUITING, ORGAPE FRUITING WHICH, INVOLVES

ORALLY PLEASURING YOUR MAN WITHA GRAPE TRUTH.

YOU HAVE TO WATCH THE WHOLEVIDEO BECAUSE HE IS SO CALM AND

THEN YOU GO UP TO YOUR MAN ANDMOW, MOW AND THAT'S THE

TECHNIQUE.

>> I HAVE TO SAY YOU DON'T HAVETO MAKE THAT NOISE.

THAT IS NOT A MANDATORY NOISE.

IT DOESN'T HURT.

>> NO.

NO.

>> I THINK YOU DO HAVE TO MAKETHAT NOISE.

>> I AM TELLING YOU, I HAVE HADDICK'S IN MY MOUTH BEFORE, THIS

MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO YOU,BUT --

>> I SAW THE VIDEO.

>> AUDIENCE:POINTS.

>> IF I AM MAKING THAT NOISE,CALL AN AMBULANCE.

>> Chris: I ASKED YOU GUYS TOTELL ME WHAT YOUR MAN WOULD BE

THINKING AFTER DISCOVERING HEJUST HAD SEX WITH A GRAPEFRUIT.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU WROTE.WHITNEY CUMMINGS.

>> I AM JUST GLAD IT WASN'T AWATERMELON BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE

RACIST.

>> MATT JONES.

>> BABY CLOSE YOUR EYES I AMABOUT TO OCEANSPRAY.

>> Chris: FUNNY.

>> MOSHE KASHER.

>> WELL NORMALLY I WOULD BERELEASED BY THIS BUT I HAPPEN TO

BE A BRITISH NAVAL OFFICER INTHE 1,700S AND YOU JUST CURED MY

SCURVY.

STITCH OPENING LINES

>> Chris: NOW, IF YOU ARE ASINGLE YOUNG PERSON WITH A

CAVALIER ATTITUDE TOWARDSHOOKING UP, CHANCES YOU ARE ON

TINDER.

WELL, GOOD NEWS FOR THE SILVERFOXES, YOU CRAZY COTTON

MUNCHERS, NOW AN AUSTRALIANCOMPANY HAS LAUNCHED, THINK FOR

A SECOND WHAT THAT MIGHT BE.

AN AUSTRALIAN COMPANY LAUNCHEDSTITCH, A TINDER CLONE FOR

SENIORS.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT?

I WANT YOU GUYS TO GIVE THEOPENING LINES THAT ARE SURE TO

GET YOU LAID ON STITCH FROM ANOLDER PERSON.

60-SECONDS ON THE CLOCK AND GO.

>> YES, MOSHE.

>> DON'T WORRY ABOUT GETTING MEPREGNANT I HAVEN'T MENSTRUATED

SINCE THE NIXON ADMINISTRATION.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MY HUSBAND IS DEAD AND SO IS MYGAG REFLEX.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MATT JONES.

>> UH, MY STANDARDS ARE LOWERTHAN MY TITS.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

>> YOU MAKE ME SO WET I WILLHAVE TO CHANGE MY DIAPER.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MOSHE.

>> ARE YOUR ARMS TIRED BECAUSEYOU HAVE BEEN SLOWLY DRAGGING

YOUR WALKER THROUGH MY MIND ALLDAY.

>> Chris: POINTS. GOD DAMNIT.

MOSHE AGAIN.

>> I HAVE FALLEN AND I DON'TWANT TO GET UP.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MATT.

>> I HAVE ALZHEIMER'S DISEASEBUT DON'T WORRY I HAVE

ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE.

>> Chris: YES.

>> DON'T WORRY.

>> Chris: WHITNEY.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT I WILL DO TOYOU? BECAUSE I FORGOT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

WHITNEY CUMMINGS.

>> YOU MAKE MY HEART GO BEEEEEP.

>> Chris: POINTS TO WHITNEYCUMMINGS.

MOSHE.

>> I HAVE BEEN SUCKING DICKSINCE IT WAS ILLEGAL IN 20 OF

THE 48 STATES.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> WHITNEY.

>> PUT A CONDOM ON YOU AREGOING TO CATCH A COLD.

>> POINTS.

>> NOW PLEASE WELCOME "FARGO"'SALLISON TOLMAN.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> SEE WHAT I DID THERE?

>> Chris: I DID.

>> ALL RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, CHRIS, AS AN ACTRESSWHO PLAYS A SMALL TOWN COP IN

MINNESOTA IT IS IMPORTANT THAT ISTAY UP TO DATE ON ANY NEW LAWS

FROM THAT STATE, FOR MY CRAFT.

>> Chris: SURE.

>> SURE.

SO WHEN I FOUND OUT THAT MEDICALMARIJUANA LAW WAS CLOSE TO BEING

PASSED I THOUGHT I REALLY NEEDTO LOOK INTO THIS MORE.

YOU KNOW, FOR MY CRAFT.

>> Chris: YES, YES, YES.

>> SO MAYBE I SHOULD GO TOMINNESOTA, YOU KNOW, MAYBE PACK

SOME SNACKS AND A COUPLE OFPHISH BOOTLEGS, AND SOME

EYEDROPS AND MY TRUSTY BONGSCOOBY, YOU KNOW.

>> Chris: FOR YOUR CRAFT?

>> NOW THAT MINNESOTA IS CLOSERTHAN EVER TO HAVING MEDICAL

MARIJUANA, MINNESOTANS ARE GOINGTO NEED TO KNOW WHERE TO GET

THEIR KIND BUD.

SO, COMEDIANS PLEASE WRITE A LEAFLY.COM REVIEW OF THE FIRST

MEDICAL MARIJUANA DISPENSARY INMINNESOTA.

>> THE COMEDIANS ARE GOING TOWRITE THEIR ANSWERS DURING THE

BREAK.

GIVE IT UP FOR ALLISON TOLMAN!

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