CC Presents: Jon Lajoie

  • Season 14, Ep 6
  • 01/11/2010

WHAT'S UP, NEW YORK?!YEAH!

THAT'S RIGHT!

[BLEEP] ABOUT TO GET CRAZYIN THIS [BLEEP]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSECONTINUE ]

ACTUALLY, NOT THAT CRAZY,

'CAUSE I GOT TO GET UP EARLYIN THE MORNING

TO GO TO WORK, BITCH.

I GOT TO GIVE MYSELF AN EXTRA15 MINUTES TO PACK A LUNCH,

'CAUSE THE CAFETERIA FOOD'S[BLEEP] EXPENSIVE.

LET'S DO THIS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪ I'M JUST A REGULAR, EVERYDAY,NORMAL GUY ♪

♪ NOTHING SPECIAL ABOUT ME[BLEEP] ♪

♪ I'M JUST A REGULAR, EVERYDAY,NORMAL GUY ♪

♪ WHEN I GO TO THE CLUBS,I WAIT IN LINE [BLEEP] ♪

♪ I'M JUST A REGULAR, EVERYDAY,NORMAL GUY ♪

♪ I GOT $600 IN THE BANK[BLEEP] ♪

♪ I'M JUST A REGULAR, EVERYDAY,NORMAL GUY ♪

♪ AND MY SEXUAL PERFORMANCESARE AVERAGE ♪

♪ I WORK IN CUSTOMER SERVICEFOR A PHONE COMPANY ♪

♪ I MAKE 12 BUCKS AN HOUR,BUT THAT'S ALL I NEED ♪

♪ I LIVE IN A SMALL APARTMENTON A QUIET STREET ♪

♪ I DON'T GO OUT TOO MUCH

♪ I LIKE TO WATCH TV

♪ CAN'T AFFORD A CAR,I USE PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION ♪

♪ I DON'T MIND

♪ I READTILL I REACH MY DESTINATION ♪

♪ SOMETIMES A NEWSPAPER,SOMETIMES A BOOK ♪

♪ THE AMOUNT OF MONEY I SAVE,THIS [BLEEP] IS OFF THE HOOK ♪

♪ AND I'M NOT VERY GOODWITH THE WOMEN ♪

♪ I'M A PRETTY SHY PERSON,AND I'M AVERAGE-LOOKING ♪

♪ LAST TIME I HAD SEXWAS IN 2003 ♪

♪ AND I'M ASHAMED TO ADMIT IT,BUT IT WASN'T FREE ♪

♪ I'M JUST A REGULAR, EVERYDAY,NORMAL GUY ♪

♪ I GET NERVOUSIN SOCIAL SITUATIONS [BLEEP] ♪

♪ I'M JUST A REGULAR, EVERYDAY,NORMAL GUY ♪

♪ I GET CONSTIPATED ONCE A MONTH[BLEEP] ♪

♪ I'M JUST A REGULAR, EVERYDAY,NORMAL GUY ♪

♪ AND I MAKE PRETTY GOODSPAGHETTI SAUCE [BLEEP] ♪

♪ I'M JUST A REGULAR, EVERYDAY,NORMAL GUY ♪

♪ AND COTTON CANDYFREAKS ME OUT ♪

♪ I'M THE PAULY SHOREOF EVERYDAY LIFE ♪

♪ EASILY FORGETTABLE,AND I'M NOT VERY LIKED ♪

♪ I HAVE AN "ACCORDING TO JIM"PERSONALITY ♪

♪ I'M AS ENTERTAININGAS A [BLEEP] STD ♪

♪ AND IF YOU WANT TO MESS WITHME, I THINK YOU PROBABLY CAN ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I'M NOT CONFIDENT,AND I'M WEAK FOR A MAN ♪

♪ I'LL JUST ROLL UP IN A BALLWHILE YOU KICK ME IN THE BACK ♪

♪ HONESTLY,I PROBABLY WON'T FIGHT BACK ♪

♪ IF YOU RARELY GET LAID,PUT YOUR HANDS UP ♪

♪ IF YOU'RE NOT WELL-PAID,PUT YOUR HANDS UP ♪

♪ IF YOU GOT A PET CAT,PUT YOUR HANDS UP ♪

♪ AND IF YOU GOT A BAD BACK,PUT YOUR HANDS UP ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

HURT MY BACK A WHILE AGOMOVING A FRIDGE.

COULD HAVE BENT MY KNEESA LITTLE MORE.

EVER SINCE THEN,IT GETS PRETTY SORE.

♪ I'M JUST A REGULAR, EVERYDAY,NORMAL GUY ♪

♪ MY PARENTS ARE REALLYNICE PEOPLE [BLEEP] ♪

♪ I'M JUST A REGULAR, EVERYDAY,NORMAL GUY ♪

♪ I'M SOMEWHAT AFRAID OF HEIGHTS[BLEEP] ♪

♪ I'M JUST A REGULAR, EVERYDAY,NORMAL GUY ♪

♪ I LIKE THE SHOW"GILMORE GIRLS" [BLEEP] ♪

♪ I'M JUST A REGULAR, EVERYDAY,NORMAL GUY ♪

♪ AND I'M PRETTY GOODAT MAKING PAPER PLANES, OH! ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH!

HOW YOU GUYS DOING?GOOD?

[ CHEERING ]

UH, I'M JON LaJOIE.

YOU MAY RECOGNIZE MEFROM SUCH ONLINE VIDEOS

AS "EVERYDAY NORMAL GUY"...

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

..."SHOW ME YOUR GENITALS"...

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

...OR, MORE RECENTLY,

"INTERNET CELEBRITYGETS MOUTH [BLEEP] IN A PARK."

[ LAUGHTER ]

ON THAT NOTE,

THIS IS A SONG ABOUTA LITTLE PROBLEM THAT I HAVE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]

♪ I CAN RUN A HUNDRED MILESWITHOUT STOPPING FOR REST ♪

♪ I CAN STAY UNDERWATER FOR FIVEMINUTES ON A SINGLE BREATH ♪

♪ WHEN I FOCUS MY MIND,I ALWAYS REACH MY GOAL ♪

♪ BUT THERE'S ONE THINGI CANNOT CONTROL ♪

♪ I [BLEEP] TOO FAST

♪ I [BLEEP] TOO FAST

♪ A COUPLE STROKES

♪ AND MY ERECTIONIS A THING OF THE PAST ♪

♪ I [BLEEP] TOO FAST

♪ I [BLEEP] TOO FAST

♪ SOMETIMES IT'S EVEN GAME OVERBEFORE I TAKE OFF MY PANTS ♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

♪ I'VE READ ALL THE ARTICLES,AND I'VE TRIED EVERY TRICK ♪

♪ THINKING OF SPORTS OR OF NAKEDKATHY BATES IN "ABOUT SCHMIDT" ♪

♪ IF THE GIRL'S ON TOP

♪ SOMETIMES I'LL LAST A MINUTEOR TWO ♪

♪ BUT IF WE DOGGY-STYLE,OH, MAN, I'M SCREWED ♪

♪ I [BLEEP] TOO FAST

♪ I [BLEEP] TOO FAST

♪ I CARRY A SPARE PAIROF UNDERWEAR ♪

♪ IN CASE A GIRLSITS ON MY LAP ♪

♪ I [BLEEP] TOO FAST

♪ I [BLEEP] TOO FAST

♪ I SWEAR I'LL EVENSHOOT MY LOAD ♪

♪ IF A FLY LANDS ON MY SHAFT

♪ OHHHHHHH

OH!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

UH, MY STAND-UP-COMEDIAN FRIENDSHAVE ALSO TOLD ME

THAT AS A YOUNG, MALE COMEDIAN,I MUST TELL A SEXIST JOKE.

I MYSELF AM NOT SEXIST,BUT I AM A SELLOUT,

SO HERE WE GO.

SEXIST JOKE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AFTER I HAVE SEX,

I LIKE MY WOMENTO BE LIKE MY MAILBOX --

OUTSIDE OF MY HOUSE.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

YAY FOR SEXISM.

UH...

THIS -- THIS NEXT SONGIS AWESOME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ SLOW-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

BUNCH OF STONERS.

♪ HAVE YOU EVER WATCHED THE SUNGO DOWN ♪

♪ AND YOU'RE THINKING ABOUTTHE WORLD SPINNING 'ROUND? ♪

♪ HAVE YOU EVER BEEN HIGHAS [BLEEP] ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪ YOU'RE IN THE BATHROOM MIRRORTALKING TO YOURSELF ♪

♪ AND YOUR DOG'S LOOKING AT YOULIKE YOU NEED HELP ♪

♪ HAVE YOU EVER BEEN HIGHAS [BLEEP] ♪

♪ AND THEN YOU FEEL YOUR HEARTPUMPING REALLY FAST ♪

♪ AND YOU'RE CONVINCED

♪ THAT YOU'RE GONNA HAVEA HEART ATTACK ♪

♪ HAVE YOU EVER BEEN HIGHAS [BLEEP] ♪

♪ YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES,AND YOU'RE ON A CHICKEN FARM ♪

♪ THE ONLY PROBLEM'S THATTHE CHICKENS HAVE HUMAN ARMS ♪

♪ YOU SAY, "THAT'S MESSED UP

♪ WHY DO THE CHICKENSHAVE HUMAN ARMS?" ♪

[ APPLAUSE ]

♪ YOU NEED SNACKS, SO YOU WALKTO THE CORNER STORE ♪

♪ BUT YOU'RE SCARED

♪ BECAUSE YOU THINK THATTHEY WILL KNOW YOU'RE HIGH ♪

♪ SO YOU WALK AROUND THE BLOCKTO BUY SOME TIME ♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

♪ YOU FINALLY DECIDETO GO IN THE STORE ♪

♪ BUT YOU'RE SO HIGH YOU DON'TKNOW WHY YOU'RE THERE ANYMORE ♪

♪ SO YOU BUY A PACK OF GUM,GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE ♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

♪ YOU'RE WALKING HOME,AND YOUR MOUTH IS DRY ♪

♪ YOU SHOULD HAVE BOUGHTSOME JUICE AND SNACKS ♪

♪ BUT YOU WERE TOO HIGH

♪ THINKING ABOUT KETCHUP CHIPS

♪ AND, FOR SOME REASON,THE GAME "BATTLESHIP" ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THEN YOU START THINKING ABOUTHOW, AS WE GROW OLDER,

WE FORGET HOW TO PLAYAND JUST ENJOY YOURSELVES.

SO YOU SAY, "YOU KNOW WHAT?

"I'M GONNA INVENT A GAMERIGHT NOW.

"IT INVOLVES A PORCUPINEAND A BASEBALL BAT,

AND I'M GONNA TRY TO KILL APORCUPINE WITH A BASEBALL BAT."

BUT YOU DON'T KNOWWHERE TO FIND A PORCUPINE,

SO YOU GO SEARCH ON eBAY,

BUT YOU REALIZE PEOPLE DON'TSELL PORCUPINES ON THE INTERNET.

AND YOU SAY,"YOU KNOW WHAT, WORLD?

"YOU GOT ME CORNERED AGAIN.

I'M GONNA ROLL ANOTHER JOINT."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THANK YOU.

♪ YOU EVER EAT A WHOLE BAGOF CRACKERS THAT WAS SO OLD ♪

♪ THAT THEY WEREN'T CRISPYANYMORE? ♪

♪ HAVE YOU EVER BEEN HI-I-I-I-GHAS [BLEEP] ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I BOUGHT A CAR --I BOUGHT A CAR LAST WEEK.

UM, WELL, BY "BOUGHT,"I MEAN "POISONED,"

AND BY "CAR,"I MEAN "MY NEIGHBOR'S DOG."

[ LAUGHTER ]

DON'T THINK ABOUT IT TOO MUCH.IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.

THIS NEXT SONG IS NOT SO FUNNY.I APOLOGIZE.

I WROTE IT WHEN I WAS IN,LIKE, A SERIOUS BAND,

AND WE WERE PRETTY DEEPAND STUFF, SO I APOLOGIZE.

I'M JUST TRYING TO SNEAK IT INTOMY SET HERE.

HERE WE GO.

[ SLOW-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]

JOHN LENNON IMAGINED A WORLDFILLED WITH PEACE AND LOVE.

MARTIN LUTHER KINGDREAMT OF A WORLD

FREE FROM RACIAL DISCRIMINATIONAND OPPRESSION.

THE GUY WHO INVENTED THE FRISBEEDREAMT OF A WORLD

WHERE PEOPLE WOULD THROW A FLAT,CIRCULAR OBJECT AT EACH OTHER

IN ORDER TO PASS THE TIME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HE SUCCEEDED.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THIS IS A SONG ABOUT MY DREAMS,MY WHAT-IFS.

IT'S CALLED "IF I HAD WINGS."

♪ IF I HAD WINGS,I'D FLY AWAY FROM HERE ♪

♪ BUT WHEREVER I'D LAND

♪ THE PEOPLE WOULD THINKTHAT I WAS WEIRD ♪

♪ THEY'D BE LIKE,"WHY DO YOU HAVE WINGS? ♪

♪ DID YOUR MOM HAVE SEXWITH A BIRD OR SOMETHING?" ♪

♪ IF I HAD ONE WISH,I'D WISH FOR A THOUSAND MORE ♪

♪ BUT THAT'D PROBABLY BEAGAINST THE RULES ♪

♪ SO I'D HAVE TO THINKSOME MORE ♪

♪ THEN I'D WISH FORALL OF SUPERMAN'S POWERS ♪

♪ SO I COULD FLY AROUND,SEE THROUGH WALLS ♪

♪ AND LOOK AT GIRLSTAKING SHOWERS ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪ IF I RULED THE WORLD,IT WOULD PROBABLY FALL APART ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I'M NOTA VERY ORGANIZED PERSON ♪

♪ AND I'M NOT REALLYALL THAT SMART ♪

♪ I'D JUST SIT AROUNDGETTING DRUNK ALL DAY ♪

♪ BEING LIKE, "WHO THE HELLPUT ME IN CHARGE HERE ANYWAY?" ♪

♪ AND IF I COULD ASK GODONE QUESTION ♪

♪ I'D ASK HIM,WHAT'S THE MEANING OF LIFE? ♪

♪ AND HE'D PROBABLY ANSWER,"I CAN TELL YOU ♪

♪ BUT THEN I'M GONNA HAVETO KILL YOU" ♪

♪ AND I'D JUST SAY,"NEVER MIND" ♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

♪ "I'M NOT THAT CURIOUS

♪ SO PLEASE DON'T TELL ME,AND PLEASE DON'T KILL ME" ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪ IF I HAD A MILLION DOLLARS,HOW WOULD I SPEND IT? ♪

♪ I'D THINK OF GIVING ITTO THE POOR ♪

♪ BUT THEN I'D SAY [BLEEP]THAT [BLEEP] ♪

♪ AND I'D GO BUY A REALEXPENSIVE, PIMPED-OUT RIDE ♪

♪ AND BE LIKE, "YO, BITCH,CHECK OUT THE RIMS ON MY RIDE ♪

♪ GET IN THE BACK SEAT, ANDI'LL [BLEEP] YOU FROM BEHIND" ♪

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

♪ IF I HAD WINGS,I'D FLY HIGH IN THE SKY ♪

♪ BUT I WOULD BEA WEIRD-LOOKING HALF-BIRD GUY ♪

♪ A REGULAR, EVERYDAY,HALF-BIRD GUY ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THANK YOU.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE ]

♪ WOMEN ARE STUPID,AND I DON'T RESPECT THEM ♪

♪ THAT'S RIGHT,I JUST HAVE SEX WITH THEM ♪

♪ SHOW ME YOUR GENITALS

♪ YOUR GENITALIA

♪ SHOW ME YOUR GENITALS

♪ YOUR GENITALIA

♪ YOU'RE TALKING TO MEABOUT STUFF ♪

♪ WHY?

♪ I'D RATHER SEE YOUR TITTIES

♪ NOW YOU'RE TALKING ABOUTOTHER STUFF ♪

♪ WHY?

♪ I'D MUCH RATHERSEE YOUR TITTIES ♪

♪ I CAN'T HAVE SEXWITH YOUR PERSONALITY ♪

♪ AND I CAN'T PUT MY [BLEEP]IN YOUR COLLEGE DEGREE ♪

♪ AND I CAN'T SHOVE MY [BLEEP]IN YOUR CHILDHOOD DREAMS ♪

♪ SO WHY YOU SHARINGALL THIS INFORMATION WITH ME? ♪

♪ IT'S NOT SEXIST,'CAUSE I'M SAYING IT IN A SONG ♪

♪ THAT'S RIGHT, BITCH,NOW TAKE OFF YOUR THONG ♪

♪ SHOW ME YOUR GENITALS

♪ YOUR GENITALIA

♪ SHOW ME YOUR GENITALS

♪ YOUR GENITALIA

♪ KNOCK, KNOCK, WHO'S THERE?

♪ IT'S ME

♪ WONDERING WHYYOU'RE NOT NAKED ♪

♪ KNOCK, KNOCK, WHO'S THERE?

♪ ME AGAIN

♪ STILL WONDERING WHYYOU'RE NOT NAKED ♪

♪ I WANT TO SEE YOUR BUM

♪ I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY

♪ NO, I DON'T HAVE FEELINGS

♪ FEELINGS ARE GAY

♪ SOMETHING, SOMETHINGIN THE MONTH OF MAY ♪

♪ BITCHES LOVE MY PENIS'CAUSE IT'S REALLY BIG ♪

♪ GIRLS' BRAINS ARE MUCHSTUPIDER THAN MEN'S ARE ♪

♪ SO THEY SHOULD ALWAYS LISTENTO US, 'CAUSE WE'RE SMART ♪

♪ WOMEN ARE ONLY GOODFOR THREE THINGS ♪

♪ COOKING, CLEANING,AND VAGINAS ♪

♪ SHOW ME YOUR GENITALS

♪ YOUR GENITALIA

♪ SHOW ME YOUR GENITALS

♪ YOUR GENITALIA

♪ I CAN GIVE GOOD SEX TO YOU

♪ 'CAUSE I'M REALLY GOODAT SEX ♪

♪ I CAN GIVE GOOD SEX TO YOU

♪ 'CAUSE MY SEX IS THE BEST

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪ I HAVE REALLY GOOD SEX MOVES

♪ THAT I LEARNED IN CHINA

♪ I'M A SEXUAL TIGER

♪ AND I FEED ON VAGINA

♪ GROWL

♪ VAGINA, VAGINA

♪ I WANT TO HAVE SEXWITH YOUR VAGINA ♪

♪ VAGINA, VAGINA

♪ WHAT TIME IS IT?

♪ IT'S VAGINA

THANK YOU, NEW YORK!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

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