CC Presents: Jessi Klein

  • 01/11/2011

Jessi Klein offers up etiquette on STDs, chocolate stereotypes and spankings.

a little bitabout myself.

Um, I justturned 35 and...

[cheering]

I am not married.

So, meow, meow,meow, you guys.

And, um, I am totallyokay with that situation.

I've never feltthat pressure

of like needingto be married.

Needing to get marriedby a certain age.

The only thing I dofeel-- Yeah, you go.

The only thingI do feel,

I would like to get marriedbefore I get herpes...

[audience laughing]

...which is starting to feelimpossible, you guys.

One in five people...has herpes, you guys.

So, looking around this room--there's about 500 people

doing the math--one in five.

Two thousand people in herehave herpes, you guys.

Look left, look right--You both have it.

Um, and...

I just knowthat for me,

for mypersonality type,

I could not deal withhaving to tell a guy

that I have herpes beforeI have sex with him,

because I alreadyhave so much crap

I have to tell a guybefore we can have sex,

that I cannotafford to add

another thingto that list.

Like, literally, beforeI have sex with a guy,

I have to sit down withhim and just be like,

"Okay, pppp...

[audience laughing]

Here is whatyou need to know.

"Um, number one: I am settingmy alarm for 7 a.m.

"That's whenI need you to leave.

"Um...

[audience laughing]

"I don't haveto be anywhere.

"That's just when I needto start freaking out

"that this happened.

"Um...

"Number two: I am Jewishso... if you're not--

"Whoa-- if you'renot familiar with

"what that is...

"essentially, I am a littlebit sad all of the time.

Um...

[applause]

You guys are like, "You know,the Jews do seem sad.

"Did somethinghappen to them?

"Did something happen?

"It seems likesomething happened."

Um...

[audience laughing]

"Number three:I would appreciate it

"if while weare having sex,

"you could sort of gently pushthe hair away from my face,

"sort of, sort of morelike in a romantic movie

"and less likewe're on a futon.

Um...

"Number four:and this is the big one...

"Um, I cannothave sex

"with somebodyI do not love.

"So, number five:I love you!

[audience laughing]

"Number six: so much!

"Number seven:Now you say it.

"Number eight:you're not saying it.

"Number nine: You knowwhat-- Let's just do it.

"Forget it--you'll say it after."

Um...

[audience laughing]

When you turn 35you sort of find yourself

having conversations that younever thought you would have.

Like, I recentlywent to my lady doctor

just for likea regular oil check,

look under the hood.

It is purring downthere, you guys.

And everythingis perf'.

But, so we're like,we're wrapping it up

and then she starts likeflipping through my file

and asking mequestions in a way

where her voice getshigher at the end.

So, she's like, "So, tell meagain, how old are you now?"

And-and I'm like,"Um, I'm 35."

And she's like,"Uh-huh and remind me again,

"are you dating anyone?"

And I'm like,"No, super alone.

"What's up?"

And, uh...

[audience laughing]

And she's like,"Well, I was wondering

"if you'd liketo talk now

"about the possibilityof freezing your eggs."

And I'm like,"Freezing my eggs?

"What's that?"

And she-- hang on,

and she's like,"Oh, it is super easy.

"All you have to do isinject yourself with hormones

"like twice a day forlike a thousand days

"and then you just come infor like general surgery

"and we just usean ice cream scoop

"and we just scrapeout your eggs."

And I'm like,"You know what?

"You're making thatsound amazing...

"but I think I'm justgonna let my eggs

"rot in my body."

Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

"You knowwhat I mean?

[applause]

"I... I'm just gonna dolike the same thing I do

"with like baby carrots,where I just buy them,

"put them at thebottom of my fridge,

"wait till they'reoozing brown liquid

"and thenthrow them away.

"So, thanks very much... butI'm gonna just stay barren.

"See ya next year.

that I celebrate Hanukah,

which is fine.

Um, the only traditionI feel that we need

to reconsider isat that holiday,

Jews give each other theselittle chocolate coins

covered in gold foil.

And I just feel like whenyour people is demonized

for being obsessedwith cash...

you should not beseen gobbling money.

[audience laughing]

You knowwhat I mean?

[applause]

And...

they always come in theselittle yellow fishnets,

you know, like"We just caught them fresh

"from our oceanof wealth."

[audience laughing]

You should not be seeneating your stereotype.

You know what I mean?

Like, you don'tsee Asian people

eating chocolatemath problems.

Do you knowwhat I mean?

Um...

You don't seeMexican people

eating like chocolateun-insured cars.

You know?

Um... you don't see lesbianseating chocolate WNBA games.

Um, althoughI wish you did,

'cause how awesomewould that be?

What would iteven look like?

I don't evenknow, um...

for the ladies.

- WHOO!

- Ladies, here'smy question...

Do any of youhave any idea

what we're supposedto be doing

with our pubichair anymore?

Like, what are we supposedto be doing with it?

Like, I don't know whatthe kids want anymore.

Like, to me, it's,like, hem lines.

It's like up anddown with the season.

You knowwhat I mean?

Tonight, I justshaped it into like

a tastefulboy shorts.

[audience laughing]

Neither too sexynor too coy.

I'm obviouslyjoking, you guys.

I'm not disgusting.

I'm not a beast.

All the hair has beenremoved from down there,

you guys.

It is, uh, as smooth andsexy as a baby's face.

Because what issexier or more desirable

than a baby face?

[audience laughing]

Oh, That's horrible.

That's horrible.

I, um, I recently went to,uh, my best friend's wedding.

She, uh, got marriedup in Freeport, Maine

and, uh, we wereall bridesmaids,

all my friendswere bridesmaids,

uh, in the wedding.

Have any of the womenhere been bridesmaids?

Yeah!

It can be a little bitof a bummer, you know,

'cause there's that oldsaying, "always a bridesmaid,

"never an astronaut."

And so, we all drive up toMaine, uh, to Freeport, Maine

for the wedding andFreeport is known for having

a lot of outlet storesand if you don't know

what an outletstore is,

it's the same asa regular store,

but a dollarless, you guys.

[audience laughing]

And, um... so, yeah,it's super exciting.

So... so, we have a day, awhole day before the wedding

and my friends are like,"Let's hit the outlets.

"Let's hitthe outlets.

"Let's hit the[deleted] outlets."

And I'm like, "Okay,we'll hit the outlets."

So, we're walking aroundand we pass this one store

and it is astore that I hate.

I refuse to gointo this store.

I don't even like to saythe name of the store.

But for the sake of thestory, for you guys,

I will say thename of the store.

It is a, uh, a ZalesDiamond outlet, you guys.

A Zales!

That's how theysay it in the ad,

it's like right from hereall the way up, Zales.

I feel like thatis the sound

Cindy McCain would makeif she ever had sex.

Just like, "Zales!"

And then like back intoher freezer forever,

for the restof her life.

So, I'm like, I refuseto go into that store.

And as we'rewalking by,

I see that there's,like, a chalkboard,

like, a littlewhiteboard,

on which someemployee has written

in like big,loopy letters,

you know, like,daisies over the 'I's.

So, like, girlscan read it.

And it literally says,"Don't worry, ladies,

"your husbands called.

"They said it's okay tocome in and buy something."

[audience laughing]

And I'm just like,[deleted] you, Zales!

And...

[applause]

It really-- yeah, seriously,[deleted] you, Zales.

And it really made mewant to go in and buy

the most expensivething that they have

and then just comeback the next day

with like agiant black eye

and just be like,"You lied, Zales!

"He didn't call.

"He wasn'tokay with that.

"I'm grounded now."

uh, whereI like to read

really crappytabloid magazines.

Like reallybad ones.

Like, my favorite oneis "Cosmo Magazine."

Do any of the ladieshere ready "Cosmo?"

Yeah, wheneverI go to Rite Aid

to pick up my Lexaproand my Ambien,

I always-- I alwaystake a sec to see

what's going on on thecover of "Cosmo" and, like,

what I love about "Cosmo"is it is this magazine

that is pretending tobe your best friend

but "Cosmo"hates you so much.

Like, "Cosmo" justwants to undermine you

and make you insecure.

Like, two real storiesfrom the cover of "Cosmo"

recently, like,one of them was

"How to drive a man wildin under 60 seconds."

And then it was like...and I'm just like,

"When would I everneed to do that?"

Like, when would I ever bein that kind of a rush?

Am I at a toll booth?

You know, like, "I only havea minute to make this guy

jack in my hair and you'relike, "Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah."

And you'relike, "Did it.

"Thanks, 'Cosmo'."

Errrrrr.

Like, why?

Sometimes people don'tbelieve that this is real,

but this is real.

On the cover of"Cosmo" it said,

"Does he hateyour orgasm face?

"Does he hate it?"

And I was justlike, "What?"

Like, oh, my God!

Like, we live ina world of horror.

You know, ofstress and strife.

Like, can you not justmake your orgasm face,

the one thing where youjust like, let it go.

[audience laughing]

You knowwhat I mean?

Like, make thatyour Kit Kat moment

and give yourself abreak today, you know?

And it makes me so sadto think of women like

looking in the mirror like,"Should I change that?"

Like, "Ah!", you know orlike, "Maybe I should do

"more like a falcon,like, ah-ah!"

[audience laughing]

You know,that's horrible.

And it just makes me havethis fantasy of, like,

me being the editor of"Cosmo" where I can take over

and just like rip awaythe veil of friendship

and just goright at the hate.

You knowwhat I mean?

Like, don't hide it anymore,so we can just run stories

that are like,"Are you pointless?"

[audience laughing]

You know or like, um,"Is your soul fat?"

[audience laughing]

"How to loose that lastfive pounds of your soul."

Or like, um, "How togive a [deleted] job

"while you're crying."

Ha, ha, ha--Which is the only way

that I haveever done it.

Over the years,I've had different guys

that I've datedsaying this thing to me

that I guess issupposed to be nice,

but it's not nice--Where, maybe I don't know

if any ofthe ladies here

have ever hearda guy say this,

but guys have said tome, "You know, Jessi,

"part of what makesyou so pretty

"is you have no ideahow pretty you are."

And then they'rejust like, "Enjoy."

[audience laughing]

And I'm like,"That is not nice.

You know, thatis like, at best,

that's like abackhanded compliment

and at worst, that's justlike a forehanded insult.

Because I know that what thatsentence really means is,

"Part of what makesyou so pretty

"is that yourself-esteem is so low,

"it's easier for meto [deleted] you."

[audience laughing]

[applause]

That's whatthat means.

Don't say it.

That's exactlywhat that means.

I, um... I think.

I, uh, so, I-Iobviously,

I have-I have brown hairand I wear these glasses

and I usually havemy hair up in a bun,

so the other thing guyshave often said to me is,

uh, they'll be like,

"You're like a... you'relike a sexy librarian.

[audience laughing]

"You're like a sexylibrarian type.

"You're a sexylibrarian."

And I'm like, "Hmm, I'vealways thought of myself

"of more of abookish whore."

Ah-ha-ha-ha.

Sort of, you know, lessof a nerd, more of a slut!

[audience laughing]

I dated a guy oncewho was very into--

When we werein bed--

This is gettingpersonal, you guys.

Now, it'sgetting personal.

When we were in bed,he would do this thing

where he would try tolike, spank me sometimes.

Has anyone ever--still just me?

Um, he wouldtry to spank me.

And it was, you know,it just made me laugh.

It was supposed to be sexy,but it's just so ridiculous.

You know, like,I don't know when

it came to beconsidered erotic

to treat the person thatyou're having sex with like,

they're theworst person!

You knowwhat I mean?

Like, "You're terrible."

Just once I'd like to behaving sex with a guy,

and just have him be like,"Oh, my God, oh my God,

"Jessi... you are sucha wonderful person.

"I had a tree plantedin Israel for you."

[audience laughing]

[applause]

Why never?

Why never?

I hate it when people dosomething to get attention

and then, they pretendlike they have no idea

why they'regetting attention.

Do you knowwhat I mean?

Like, I was in Brooklyna couple of weeks ago

to see a play--You're welcome, and, um,

and I see this guywalking down the street

and he's walkingthese two very adorable,

but very unusuallooking dogs.

And I am obsessedwith dogs.

Like, I'm likea dog pedophile.

You knowwhat I mean?

Like, I hang outoutside the dog park

and I'm justlike, "Yeah."

And, uh, so I'm like,"What kind of dogs are those?"

And I get closer andthen I see that in fact,

they are not dogs.

They are pigs.

This man iswalking two pigs.

And so, I do the onlyreasonable thing to do,

which is like go upto him and I'm like,

"Let's talkabout this."

And he literallylooks at me and he goes,

"Talk about what?"

And I'm like,"Really?"

And the pigs arelike, "Really?

"We wanna talk aboutthis because we're pigs

"and we have no idea wherethe [deleted] we are."

[audience laughing]

And did I mentionthat the pigs

are wearingmatching jackets?

Like, it's notlike this guy's

on, like, the d.l.with his pigs.

Like, they'rein public.

They're dressed!

But I'm nice, youknow, so I'm just like,

"Well, well, whatare they like?

Is it likehaving dogs?"

And he's like, "I guessit's like having dogs

"if dogs were smarterand more affectionate."

And me and the pigs all dolike an eye roll together,

like, a roller-coaster.

And I'm like,"Oh, I get it.

"So, it's sort of how likeyou would be a human being

"if you were nicerand less of a douche?

"Sort of like that?

"Go to hell,pig walker."

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