Wednesday, January 8, 2014

  • 01/08/2014

Ike Barinholtz, Jenny Slate and Tom Lennon come up with cheese-themed movie titles and review a new North Korean product as Tom tries for his first @midnight victory.

INTERNET HEADLINES, IT'S RAPID

REFRESH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THE FIRST COMEDIAN PERSON TO

BUZZ IN WITH THE CORRECT ANSWER

GETS 100 POINTS.

TODAY, DRAKE TRIED TO USE THE

NEW DIRECT MESSAGING FEATURE ON

INSTAGRAM TO HIT ON A MODEL WITH

THE USERNAME "COCAINE LORRAINE."

BECAUSE "METH BETH" WAS TAKEN.

WE SAY DRAKE "TRIED" TO SEND A

DM BECAUSE HE ACTUALLY ENDED UP

POSTING THE PICTURE AND MESSAGE

PUBLICLY ON HIS OWN INSTAGRAM

FEED AND PART OF IT READ, "I WAS

HOPING TO GET IN TOUCH WITH YOU

ABOUT SOME IDEAS I HAVE FOR THIS

QUIET PROJECT I'M WORKING ON."

HOW DID HE END THAT MESSAGE?

WAS IT A) "PLEASE DON'T THINK

I'M ON SOME (BLEEP) HAAA."

B) I WANT TO GET DEGRASSI ALL

OVER YOU.

C) I PROMISE IF I MURDER YOUR

VAGINA I'LL MAKE IT LOOK LIKE AN

OVERDOSE.

TOM LENNON?

>> IT HAS TO BE B.

>> Chris: THE CORRECT ANSWER IS

IN FACT A.

"PLEASE DON'T THINK I'M ON SOME

(BLEEP)."

TOM LENNON OFF TO A COLD START

ALREADY.

THERE SHE IS.

>> OH GOSH...

>> Chris: WHAT'S HAPPENING?

JENNY?

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

A SAVVY INTERNET USER NAMED

JEFFREY THOMPSON DID THE

INTERNET A HUGE FAVOR-- JEFFREY,

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR DOING

THIS-- HE ACTUALLY POSTED

EVERY FAKE URL THAT "LAW &

ORDER" HAS EVER USED ON HIS

WEBSITE.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING FAKE

WEBSITES HAS APPEARED ON A

COMPUTER SCREEN ON "LAW &

ORDER"?

IS IT A) UPYOURBUTT.NET

B) BOOTYBOYZ.BZ, WHICH I BELIEVE

IS THE EXTENSION FOR BELIZE.

OR C) THEBARONMUCHHUMPIN.COM.

IKE BARINHOLTZ?

>> I'M GOING TO SAY C.

>> Chris: WELL, ACTUALLY THEY'RE

ALL CORRECT.

("LAW & ORDER" SOUND EFFECT)

>> EVERY TIME I GET AN ERECTION,

THAT NOISE HAPPENS.

EVERY TIME.

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG WARS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

WAIT GUYS, DON'T CLAP BECAUSE I

HAVE SOME VERY SAD NEWS AND I

HOPE YOU'RE ALL SITTING DOWN.

GOOD, YOU ARE.

KRAFT FOODS ANNOUNCED THAT THEY

ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING A

SHORTAGE OF VELVEETA.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

OKAY, YOU'RE BEING VERY STRONG

RIGHT NOW AND I APPRECIATE THAT.

IN HONOR OF THE ENDANGERED

SPECIES KNOWN AS VELVEETA,

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS

#CHEESYMOVIES.

EXAMPLES OF THAT WOULD BE...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YES.

EXAMPLES OF THAT WOULD BE

"PROVOLONE TWO: LOST IN NEW

YORK."

"GOUDA-FELLAS."

"FONDUE THE RIGHT THING."

YOU GET THE GIST.

I'M PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON THE

CLOCK.

LET'S DO IT!

IKE BARINHOLTZ?

>> SOMETHING'S RICOTTA GIVE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

TOM LENNON.

>> MANCHEGO UNCHANGED.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: I LIKE THAT YOU WERE

A LITTLE UNSURE ABOUT THAT.

POINTS.

IKE BARINHOLTZ?

>> GONE WITH THE RIND?

>> Chris: POINTS.

JENNY.

>> AUGUST ASIAGO COUNTY.

>> Chris: THAT WAS SAID VERY

FANCILY TOO.

POINTS.

YES, TOM LENNON.

>> HAROLD AND KUMAR GO TO

LIMBURGER.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, THE PANDERY

LOOK TO CROWD SAVED IT.

POINTS.

YES, IKE BARINHOLTZ?

>> BLUE JASMINE.

>> Chris: THAT WORKS.

POINTS.

JENNY SLATE.

>> WAYNE'S CURD.

>> Chris: I'LL GIVE YOU THE

POINTS, POINTS.

YEAH, TOM LENNON.

>> STOP OR MY PARMESAN WILL

SHOOT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: TOM LENNON, POINTS TO

TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME: IRON

SHEIK: REAL OR JABRONI.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITES.

I LOVE THE DIGITAL SHEIK.

RETIRED WRESTLER, "THE IRON

SHEIK," ALTERNATELY PRAISES AND

ATTACKS PEOPLE ON TWITTER.

I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU A

CELEBRITY OR BRAND, YOU TELL

ME IF HE LIKES THEM, IN WHICH

HE WOULD SAY THE REAL OR HE

HATES THEM, THE JABRONI.

THIS GAME IS WORTH 250 POINTS.

NBA PLAYER JAMES HARDEN.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

TOM LENNON.

>> JABRONI.

>> Chris: NO, THE REAL, HE LIKES

HIM.

"JAMES HARDEN, YOU HAVE BEARD

THAT LOOK LIKE DEAD DOG BUT

YOU STILL ONE OF THE BEST."

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

LILO & STITCH, REAL OR JABRONI?

JENNY SLATE?

>> WELL, I WOULD SAY THE REAL.

>> Chris: NO, JABRONI.

(BLEEP) THE LILO & STITCH

FOREVER.

>> NO.

NO.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

>> FINALLY, HE SAYS WHAT WE'VE

ALL BEEN THINKING.

>> Chris: FINALLY, TAKE THAT,

WEIRD CREATURE.

WHAT IS THAT THING, IS IT A

GUINEA PIG OR A KOALA?

>> IT'S A MOUSE.

>> IT'S AN ALIEN, GOD DAMN IT.

GOD DAMN IT!

>> THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW LILO

AND STITCH ARE DOOMED TO REPEAT

IT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: OKAY, HERE'S THE LAST

ONE.

PAULA DEEN: REAL OR JABRONI?

IKE BARINHOLTZ.

>> SHE'S A (BLEEP) JABRONI.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: YES.

HELLO PAULA DEEN.

I HOPE YOU (BLEEP) YOUR PANTS

TONIGHT.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT, CHRIS?

SOMETIMES TWEETS COME TRUE.

>> Chris: I HOPE RIGHT NOW THAT

PAULA DEEN IS WALKING THROUGH AN

OBNOXIOUSLY LARGE KITCHEN AND

JUST GOES, "OH, MY GOSH."

>> WHAT HAPPENED?

>> Chris: WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

DID IRON SHEIKH JUST (BLEEP)

SUMMON ME?

TO WRITE A NORTH KOREAN

STATE-SPONSORED REVIEW OF THE

KIM JONG IL DEAR LEADER TONGUE

SCRAPER.

THE ONLY TONGUE SCRAPER USED BY

DENNIS RODMAN TO SCRAPE THE

DRUGS HE'S CLEARLY USING OFF HIS

TONGUE.

COMEDIANS, PLEASE READ

YOUR REVIEWS.

JENNY SLATE.

>> FIVE STARS.

THIS IS THE ONLY ONE WE CAN

HAVE!

NO OTHER CHOICES.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: WELL DONE.

>> THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

>> Chris: IKE BARINHOLTZ?

>> FOUR OUT OF FIVE DENTISTS

RECOMMEND IT.

THE FIFTH WAS SUMMARILY

EXECUTED.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: TOM LENNON.

>> SO MAGNIFICENT YOU WILL WANT

TO FEED YOUR OLD TONGUE SCRAPER

TO DOGS.

(LIGHT LAUGHTER)

WOW.

(LAUGHTER)

>> INFINITY NUMBER OF STARS.

I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE

POSITIVE THAT SOMETHING WOULD

WORK.

(LAUGHTER)

I WAS-- I LITERALLY-- DID

YOU SEE WE CAME IN FROM

COMMERCIAL I WAS COCK OF THE

WALK BECAUSE I KNEW I HAD THAT

IN MY POCKET.

>> Chris: I FEEL LIKE WHAT

HAPPENS IS THAT YOU DON'T WANT

TO WIN BECAUSE YOU WANT EVERYONE

ELSE TO FEEL LIKE IT'S FAIR AND

SO YOU CRAFTED WHAT WAS CLEARLY

A TERRIBLE ANSWER.

>> I LEGITIMATELY THOUGHT THAT

WAS VERY GOOD.

(LAUGHTER)

BUZZFEED IS FULL OF RIDICULOUS

LISTS LIKE:

18 PEOPLE WHO SUDDENLY BECAME

GENIUSES WHILE HIGH AND 19

PROBLEMS ONLY PEOPLE WHO DON'T

EAT CHEESE WILL UNDERSTAND.

COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TO COME UP

WITH AS MANY BUZZFEED LISTS THAT

ARE EVEN MORE RIDICULOUS THAN

ONES THAT ARE ACTUALLY ON

BUZZFEED.

FOR EACH ONE THAT IS VERY FUNNY,

I WILL GIVE YOU 250 POINTS.

60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK, AND GO!

TOM LENNON?

>> 16 SQUIRRELS THAT LOOK LIKE

RADIO HEAD.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS!

ON THE REDEMPTION TRAIL.

IKE BARINHOLTZ.

>> NINE TIMES HITLER'S HAIR WAS

PERFECT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: IS THAT NO TIME?

NEIN!

>> ZERO!

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> JENNY.

>> 14 FANCY RESTAURANTS TO JERK

OFF IN BEFORE YOU DIE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS!

IKE BARINHOLTZ.

>> 11 REASONS JENNIFER LAWRENCE

IS YOUR MOM.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: OH, I WANT THOSE

REASONS.

POINTS.

JENNY SLATE.

>> 13 BUTTS WITH FACES DRAWN ON

THEM.

COME ON.

>> Chris: IS IT 13 DIFFERENT

BUTTS OR JUST...

>> 13 DIFFERENT BUTTS.

YEAH, YOU GET 13 BUTTS.

>> Chris: OKAY, I JUST WANT TO

MAKE THE DISTINCTION.

POINTS, POINTS, POINTS.

YES, TOM LENNON?

>> SEVEN BRIDES FOR THE JONAS

BROTHERS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

IKE BARINHOLTZ.

>> FIVE REASONS MY PENIS IS NOT

THAT SHORT.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S NOT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

TOM LENNON.

>> TEN TIMES LUBE FAILED ME.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: WAS IT IN THAT LAST

ROUND?

Loading...