Wednesday, January 8, 2014

  • 01/08/2014

Ike Barinholtz, Jenny Slate and Tom Lennon come up with cheese-themed movie titles and review a new North Korean product as Tom tries for his first @midnight victory.

>> RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

THE FIRST COMEDIAN TO BUZZ INWITH THE CORRECT ANSWER GETS 100

POINTS.

DRAKE TRIED TO USE THE NEWDIRECT MESSAGING FEATURE ON

INSTAGRAM TO HIT ON A MODEL WITHTHE USERNAME "COCAINE LORRAINE."

GUESS "METH BETH" WAS TAKEN.

WE SAY DRAKE "TRIED" TO SEND ADM BECAUSE HE ACTUALLY ENDED UP

POSTING THE PICTURE AND MESSAGEPUBLICLY ON HIS OWN INSTAGRAM

FEED AND PART OF IT READ I WASHOPING TO GET IN TOUCH WITH YOU

ABOUT IDEAS I HAVE FOR THISQUIET PROJECT I'M WORKING ON.

HOW DID HE END THAT MESSAGE?

A. "PLS DON'T THINK I'M ON SOME[BLEEP] HAAA."

B. I WANT TO GET DEGRASSI ALLOVER YOU.

C. I PROMISE I WON'T MURDER YOURVAGINA.

I WILL MAKE IT LOOK LIKE ANOVERDOSE.

TOM LENNON?

>> IT HAS TO BE B.

>> THE CORRECT SALES IN FACT A.

PLEASE DON'T THINK I'M ON SOME[BLEEP]

TOM LENNON OFF TO A COLD STARTALREADY.

THERE SHE IS.

>> WHAT'S HAPPENING?

JENNY?

>> NEXT ONE.

>> A SAVVY INTERNET USER NAMEDJEFFREY THOMPSON DID THE

INTERNET A HUGE FAVOR BY POSTINGA LIST OF EVERY FAKE URL THAT

"LAW & ORDER" HAS EVER USED ONHIS WEBSITE.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING FAKEWEBSITES HAS APPEARED ON A

COMPUTER SCREEN ON LAW & ORDER?

A. UPYOURBUTT.NETB. BOOTYBOYZ.B.

C. THEBARONMUCHHUMPIN.COM.

>> I'M GOING TO SAY C?

>> ACTUALLY THEY'RE ALL CORRECT!

>> EVERY TIME I GET AN ERECTION,THAT NOISE HAPPENS.

EVERY TIME.

WELL, IT IS TIME FOR TONIGHT'S#WARS.

>> KRAFT FOODS ANNOUNCED THEYARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING A

SHORTAGE OF VELVEETA.

YOU' BEING VERY STRONG AND IAPPRECIATE THAT.

IN HONOR OF THE ENDANGEREDSPECIES

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS --#CHEESYMOVIES

EXAMPLES: PROVOLONE TWO:LOST IN NEW YORK.

GOUDA-FELLAS.

FONDUE THE RIGHT THINGYOU GET THE GIST.

I'M PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK.

STARTING NOW!

>> IKE?

>> SOMETHING'S RIGOTTA GIVE.

>> TOM LENNON.

>> MEN -- UNCHANGED.

>> IKE?

>> GONE WITH THE REMINDS?

>> YAY?

>> AUGUST OISEOGA COUNTY.

>> HAROLD AND CUE MARCH GO TOLINDBERGHER.

>> YES, IKE?

>> BLUE JASMINE.

>> THAT WORKS.

POINTS.

>> JENNY SLATE.

>> WAYNE'S CURD.

>> POINTS.

YES.

>> STOP OR MY PARMESAN WILLSHOOT >> TOM, POINTS TO YOU.

>> >> IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME:

WHO IS THE IRON SHIEKREAL JABRONI.

RETIRED WRESTLER, "THE IRONSHEIK," ALTERNATELY PRAISES AND

ATTACKS PEOPLE ON TWITTER.

I'LL GIVE YOU A CELEBRITY ORBRAND AND YOU TELL ME IF HE

LIKES THEM THE REAL OR HATESTHEM THE JABRONI.

THIS GAME IS WORTH 250 POINTS.

Q: NBA PLAYER JAMES HARDEN GAME>> JABRONI.

A: THE REAL - "JAMES HARDEN.

YOU HAVE BEARD THAT LOOK LIKEDEAD DOG BUT STILL YOU ONE OF

THE BEST."

Q: LILO & STITCH GAME.

>> RELATE OR JABRONI.

>> I WOULD SAY REAL.

>> NO.

>> JABRONI 12-RB.

>> NO.

NO.

>> FINALLY, TAKE THAT WEIRDCREATURE.

WHAT IS THAT, A GUINEA PIG ORKOALA OR --

>> IT'S A MOUSE.

>> IT'S AN ALIEN, GOSH DAMN IT.

>> THOSE THAT DON'T KNOW LILOAND STITCH ARE DOOMED TO REPEAT

IT.

>>>>

Q: PAULA DEEN.

>> SHE'S A DEF.

>> YES.

HELLO PAULA DEEN.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

SOMETIMES DREAMS COME TRUE.

I HOPE RIGHT NOW THAT PAULA DEENIS WALKING THROUGH A LARGE

KITCHEN AND JUST GOES "OH, MYGOSH, WHAT HAPPENED?

DID IRON SHEIKH JUST SUMMON ME?

BEFORE THE BREAK, YOU WERE ASKEDTO WRITE A NORTH

KOREAN STATE-SPONSORED REVIEW OFTHE KIM JUNG IL DEAR LEADER

TONGUE SCRAPER.

THE ONLY TONGUE SCRAPER USED BYDENNIS RODMAN TO SCRAPE THE

DRUGS HE'S CLEARLY USING OFF HISTONGUE.

COMEDIANS, PLEASE READ YOURREVIEWS.

>> SWIPE WARS.

THIS IS THE ONLY ONE WE CANHAVE.

NO OTHER CHOICES.

>> WELL DONE.

>> THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

>> WELL DONE.

>> IKE?

>> FOUR OUT OF FIVE DENTISTSRECOMMEND IT.

THE FIFTH WAS SUM AERIALEXECUTED.

>> TOM?

>> SO MAGNIFICENT, YOU WILL WANTTO FEED YOUR OLD TONGUE SCRAPER

TO DOG.

>> WOW.

>> INFINITY NUMBER OF STARS.

>> OK.

TOM, I HAVE NEVER BEEN MOREPOSITIVE THAT SOMETHING WOULD

WORK.

I LITERALLY -- DID YOU SEE WECAME FROM FROM COMMERCIAL AND I

WAS COCK OF THE WALK, BECAUSE IKNEW I HAD THAT IN MY POCKET.

I FEEL LIKE WHAT HAPPENS IS THATYOU DON'T WANT TO WIN BECAUSE

YOU WANT EVERYONE ELSE TO FEELLIKE IT'S FAIR AND SO YOU

CRAFTED WHAT WAS CLEARLY ATERRIBLE ANSWER --

>> GENERALLY AT A THOUGHT THATWAS VERY GOOD.

BUZZFEED IS FULL OF RIDICULOUSLISTS LIKE:

18 PEOPLE WHO BECAME SUDDENGENIUSES WHILE HIGH AND 19

PROBLEMS ONLY PEOPLE WHO DON'TEAT CHEESE WILL DERSTAND.

COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TO COME UPWITH BUZZFEED LISTS THAT ARE

EVEN MORE RIDICULOUS THAN ONE'STHAT ARE ACTUALLY ON BUZZFEED.

FOR EACH FUNNY LIST, YOU GET 250POINTS.

I'M PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK, STARTING NOW.

>> TOM?

>> 16 SQUIRRELS THAT LOOK LIKERADIO HEAD.

>> FINE.

ON THE REDEMPTION TRAIL.

TOM IKE?

>> NINE TIME HITLER'S HAIR WASPERFECT.

>> IS THAT NEIN,!

>> 14 FANCY RESTAURANTS TO JERKOFF IN BEFORE YOU DIE.

>> FINE.

>> IKE?

>> 11 REASONS JENNIFER LAWRENCEIS YOUR MOM.

>> I WANT THOSE REASONS.

POINTS.

>> JENNY?

>> 13 BUTTS WITH FACES DRAWN ONTHEM.

>> COME ON.

>> 13 DIFFERENT BUTTS OR -->> 13 BUTTS.

13 DIFFERENT BUTTS.

YEAH.

>> TOM?

>> 7 BRIDES FOR THE JONASBROTHERS.

>> POINTS.

>> IKE?

>> 5 REASONS MY PENIS IS NOTTHAT SHORT.

>> IT'S NOT.

>> POINTS.

TOM?

>> 10 TIMES LUBE FAILED ME.

>> WAS IT IN THAT LAST ROUND?

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