You Would Bang Her?

  • Season 2, Ep 1
  • 04/01/2014

A focus group of guys weighs in on the show, God helps Amy through a herpes scare, and a new secretary struggles to keep people from barging into her boss's office.

Okay everyone,thanks for participating

in this focus group.

I'm going to be asking you somequestions about the show

"Inside Amy Schumer",everyone understand?

Okay. So first question,what do you think about

the balance between thesketches and the stand-up?

Ooh!Bronco?

Yeah, I thought hertits were great.

Like, really good tits.

But her facewas just okay.

Just so-so face, man.

(man)So-so face, okay.

How about the balance betweenthe stand-up and the sketches?

Dave, you hada thought.Yeah.

Um, she looked betterin the stand-up, for sure,

but then there was just way,way hotter chicks in the skits.

So it was really hardfor me to say...

And also, I like the skitsbetter when you saw sideboob,

kind of, but notthe close-ups of face.

Like, way less face,but more sideboob.

That's whatI would say.(man)Okay.

Is this something you guyscould see yourselves DVRing?

I would probably bang her,if that's what you mean?

Seriously, dude?

Yeah.

You wouldn't bang her?I don't know.

Is it crazy thatI would bang her?

Dude, yes, you would.

Like, if no one hadto find out ever.

Like, you justbang her--If nobody finds out?

Just bang, dude.Then I'm banging her.

I would, yeah.

Okay, so everyone wouldbang her if nobody knew.

(man)If nobody knew.I'd like to bang her.

(man)Like to bang her.

(man)Great, this isawesome, guys.

Yeah, I got a questionabout the writing process.

Okay, sure, go ahead.Are the writers hot?

If I could interject, I likedthe routines where she was on

the street talking to people andI appreciated how it had a sort

of feminist bend ona male-skewing network.

Okay, great.

But I must say, I wouldenjoy the routines more

if she had likea 10% better dumper?

Thank you.Yes.

Downstairs better?(man)Yeah.

Okay, everyone agreeswith that, right?(man)Yes, absolutely.

It's just gotta bea better turtle part, man.

Okay, last question.

On a scale of one to 10, howfunny was "Inside Amy Schumer?"

You can write your answers onthe cards in front of you.

One to 10, guys.

Everyone ready?

Okay, everyoneshow your cards.

Okay, so... okay, great.

Um, I'm going to give yourinput to the network and uh,

here's your payment.

Beef sticks andenergy drinks.

Oh!

Couple of 'em saidthey would bang me?

(hums)

(phone ringing)

Mm, hey butthole,what's up?

Girl, did Bobby Skeltisever end up letting

you have sex with him?

Why? No.

Okay good, Laura justtold me he has herpes.

So...

Oh.

Well, no, that is a big reliefbecause no, I did not.

Okay, no, I just wantedto let you know.

Oh my God,oh no, no, no!

My God, no!

Please, God, let me nothave herpes, please!

Well, well, well.

Look who it is.

God?

Do you remember when the lasttime I heard from you was?

It was probably pretty recentlywhen my friend Tig got cancer.

Pretty sureI reached out then.

No, it was seven years agowhen you were rooting for

the Green Knightat Medieval Times.

Oh.

Well, God, thank you so muchfor coming through for me

that night.(man)You're welcome.

This guy, Bobby Skeltis,that you slept with?

What are you doing?

I know, I know.

I can do so much better,you're right.

I didn't say that.

Oh.

You know, 70% of peoplewho reach out to me

are havinga herpes scare.

Why shouldI help you?Okay.

That's a fair question.Yeah.

Okay.

Um, so I'm kind of like,a public figure now.

Mm.Like a role model?

So if some young girl saw mebuying Valtrex or something,

it would be like, a thing.Right.

A thing, hmm.

Like that earthquakein Peru yesterday

that killed9,000 people.

Oh my God, I hopeno one was hurt.

Oh, gosh.

I really need to stopmaking so many white girls.

Let me be honestwith you, okay?

You did get herpes,you already have it.

No!Yes.

Now for me toundo your herpes,

I have to create balance inthe universe, you understand?

Totally.

I'd have to kill off an entirevillage in Uzbekistan.

Yeah, whateveryou think is best.

Do it.You'll also have tosacrifice something.

Oh my God, name it.

Okay.

You need to stopdrinking.Pass.

How about stopusing hair spray?

The aerosol is very badfor the environment.

Could I justlike, blow you?

I'm gay.

So?Jesus Christ.

How about you justcall your mother

a little bitmore often?

That's an easy one.

Mmm... what isherpes exactly?

It's an outbreak,like, once a year?

Yeah.I don't know.

I think I'lljust take it.Okay, fine.

Fine, herpes it is.

Now don't forget to call allthe men that you've slept with.

It's the moralthing to do, right?

Oh my God, of course.

Duh.

Amy.Mmm!

I can see everything.

What? Oh now?

You want me todo it now?Yes!

Okay, well, you weren'tclear about that.

I'll do itright now.Sor-ee.

I'm sorry,I'll do it now.

Boop boop boop.

Boop boop...

♪ Jeans intojean shorts ♪

What?

I'm sorry you changed seasonsand now I need jean shorts.

This one's on you.Just call them.

No!

Fine, I'll do it.

Gimme the phone.

Unbelievable.

(Amy's voice)Hi, Mike, it's Amy.

Schumer.I don't talklike that.

Uh, yeah, we met onChristmas at the

Boston Market and hadsex after two beers?

Yeah.

You have herpesbecause I have herpes.

Byeee!

Did he sound like he was atall psyched to hear from me,

like what was his vibe?You're the(bleep) worst.

Wow.Oh, no?

Unh!

(man)Bridget Everett is just threepoints away from winning

her fourth Grand Slam.

(man)Remarkably, she has not allowedSchumerenka a single game in

this match and yet,I can't take my eyes off

of Schumerenka's uniquestyle on the court.

Ah!(man)I agree, Patrick.

Schumerenka hasa charisma on the court

that just pullsyou in.

Unh! (man) Out.

I think one reason whySchumerenka's having such

a difficult time in thismatch is the distraction

factor ofEverett's grunting.

(Patrick)Oh, God, it's disgusting,they should really ban it.

Whoo!

Ah!

Unh.

(man) Out.

(man)Heaving and sweatinglike a Clydesdale,

Everett makes the shot.

Let's take a look atthe instant replay.

Unh.

(Patrick)So amazing.

I think the most incredible partof Schumerenka's game is how she

manages to be so thin and yet,still have such large breasts.

(man)Absolutely, it's justsuch a turn-on

to see tennis played withthis level of integrity.

Amy's friends and familyobviously agree.

Schumerenka's sponsoris Herpsky premium vodka.

(Patrick)As usual, Everett's friendand old math teacher

is there tocheer her on.

Got her a nice seat in her VIPbox, sponsored by ground beef.

(man)Is what she's doingtechnically cheering her on?

It looks like she's justeating snacks from home.

Schumerenka seems to be tryingto take a moment to refocus.

(Patrick)This is one of those key momentswhere she definitely needs to

take her timeand not rush.

Yeah, don't rush that.(man)Whoo.

(Patrick)Bridget doesn't seem to like thedelay in the game and as usual,

she has to try to control herinfamous attitude problem.

It's unattractive and alsoshe's (bleep) blocking.

Unh!

Unh!

Uh!

(man)No good, it's over.

Yes! Yes!

Well, Everett wins theEast Coast International

for the fourth timein straight sets.

Hope she's happy.

Let's go courtside forthe awards ceremony.

Bridget, you won.

Here's your cup anda million dollars.

Thanks, Katrina.

Really fought hardout there--Amy, you lost.

But you were so gorgeousthroughout the entire match

that it's almostlike you won.

Does that make sense?What's your secret?

Um.

I love this country.

Freedom.

Amy, I'm being toldthe crowd has chipped in.

You will now be walkingaway with $2 million!

(Amy)America!

I love you...thank you!

Oh, thank you,my country!

Oh thank you America!

Ah!

I won, I won.

Amy! Amy! Amy!

America! America!

These are for you,take them.

I don't needthem anymore.

I love you, America.

Take them.

(Patrick)Amy Schumerenka,a true champion.

(man)Great for tennis.

Oh, good morning, Mr. Blake,I'm Amy, your new secretary.

Hello, Amy,good to meet you.

Say, I'm very busy todayso I'd like you to make sure

that I'm not disturbed.

No one, but no one,is to go into my office

without an appointment,got it?

Yes, sir.Thanks, doll.

I need to seeMr. Blake immediately!Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

He's busy right now.Well, this can't wait.

No, no, you can'tgo in there!

(man)Blake! Completelyunacceptable.

Third time this month!

I'm sorry, Mr. Blake, I toldhim he can't come in here!

All right, Amy,have a seat, Bill.

For the love of God.

This is--

Damn it, Amy, whathappened there?I'm sorry, sir.

I told him hecouldn't go in there.Okay.

Well, I really need you to putsome oomph into it, kiddo.

Okay.All right.

This is an abomination,I need to see Mr. Blake.

No, you can't goin there!

The hell I can't.

Blake, I've hadit up to here!

I'm sorry, Mr. Blake, I toldhe can't come in here!

(Mr. Blake)Jesus Christ, Amy.

Ed, did she say youcouldn't come in here?

Yes, she did.Well, how didshe say it?

Uh, "You can't goin there."

Okay, that'spretty good.

But the way she said it, itfelt like I could go in there.

(Mr. Blake)Mm-hmm.

Amy, there are thousandsof women who'd kill for the

opportunity to tell people theycan't come into my office.

I know, I'm sorry, sir,I'll work on it.

Mm-hmm, all right,have a seat, Ed.

You can't go in there,you can't go in there.

You can't go in there.

I have to see Mr. Blake!

No, no, youcan't go in there!

Oh.

Okay, thank you.

I'll wait.

Oh.

Well, I'm sorry I yelled,I have to say that.

No, I respect theAmerican secretary.

I'm not an animal.

Sir, thank you.

Today's been sodifficult for me and--

Say! Is someonegoing in there?

Where?Come on, everyone!

What? No!

No, you can'tgo in there!

You can't go in there!You can't go in there!

You, you can'tgo in there!

You can't go in there!You can't go in there!

You can't goin there!

You can't-- Oh, gosh,I'm dreadful at this.

(Mr. Blake)How did you guysget in here?

Amy!

Look, Amy, you're a womanand you can only focus

on one thing ata time, I get that.

That's why I gave youjust the one task.

In fact, what areyou even doing typing?

Look, you need to start doingyour job or I'm going to find

someone who cando your job.

(sputters)

Well, hello, I'm hereto see Mr. Blake.

You can't go in there!

Oh!

Ooh! Ow!

Oh!

(woman) I'm sorry, your call cannot be completed as dialed.

You! Can't!Go! In! There!

(Mr. Blake) Amy.

Did my 11:30 get here yet?

Mr. Blake willsee you now.

♪ Stand up, stand up

♪ And be proudlet someone in ♪

♪ Let someone in

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