Marc Price & Kenny Rogerson

  • Season 1, Ep 0151
  • 02/24/1992

I SAID, "BOBBY, I LOVE YOU.

I NEED SOMETHING TO WEAR."

AND HE THREW THISLITTLE NUMBER AT ME.

THANK YOU, MR. BOB MACKIE

YOU BIG DELICIOUS,GORGEOUS HUNK OF A MAN.

ALL RIGHT!

( scattered laughter )

WE HAVE A TIGHT THING,ME AND BOBBY.

I LOVE ALL THE DESIGNERS

♪ BUT MY HEART BELONGSTO BOBBY, YEAH! ♪

JUST GOT OFF THE PHONEFROM LIZA.

SHE LOVES YOU KIDS.

CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU IN VEGASAT THE DESERT INN

WHERE ALL THE STARSPLAY AND PLAY.

OH, WOW, OH-HO!

HA-HA!

OH, IN THE OLD DAYS,JOEY HEATHERTON AND I

GOD BLESS HER--JOEY, YEAH!

GIVE IT UP FOR JOEY HEATHERTON,LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

SHE GAVE LEG AND DANCE

AND BIG CYD CHARISSE NUMBER.

♪ VEGAS!

Man:WHOO!

OH, VEGAS ISN'TWHAT IT USED TO BE.

I LOVED VEGAS IN THE OLD DAYSWHEN I USED TO PLAY THERE.

WHEN THE MOB RAN IT,IT WAS ALWAYS SWINGING.

IT WAS A GAS.

FRANK, ME, SAMMYLEH-- OH, GOD.

♪ OH, YEAH, SWINGING.

DINO, HOW MANY TIMESDID I SLEEP WITH DINO?

LET ME COUNT THEM.

( laughter )

YOU KNOW OUT OF ALL OF THEM,DINO GAVE THE MOST.

AND THAT'S WHAT PEOPLEDON'T UNDERSTAND

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THEY REALLY DON'T

THAT DEAN MARTIN REALLY GAVETO ME SOMETHING

THAT CHANGED MY G-DAMN LIFE.

( scattered laughter )

SO, YOU KNOW,IN THESE BREATHY MOMENTS

WHEN I HAVE TO CATCH MY BREATHAND GET IT BACK TOGETHER...

( breathing deeply )

AND I THINK ABOUT DEAN

AND I THINK ABOUT ALLTHE SADNESS HE'S GONE THROUGH

I JUST WANT TO SAY,"I LOVE YOU, DEAN.

SAMMY'S GONE,JERRY'S STILL ROCKIN'."

THOSE DAYS WERE GREAT DAYS.

YOU KIDS WERETOO YOUNG TO REMEMBER

BUT WE HADA GREAT TIME IN VEGAS!

LOVE YOU, KIDS.

I'M SORRY, I JUST GOT MELANCHOLYFOR A MINUTE...

♪ FOR THE OLD DAYS,THOSE OLD DAYS ♪

♪ THOSE KOOKYGOLDEN OLD DAYS... WHOA! ♪

SO IF YOU DON'TLAUGH AT MY JOKES

I'LL BUY DRUGS,BEAT UP A TRANSVESTITE HOOKER

AND ROB A VIDEO STORE.

( laughter )

I'LL OUTDO LITTLE DANA PLATO

WHO ACTUALLY ROBBEDA VIDEO STORE IN BROAD DAYLIGHT

AND NOW HAS A NEWTV SERIES, HARD COPY.

SHE'S A REGULAR.

ALL THE FORMER SITCOM KIDS

GETTING INTO TROUBLEWITH THE LAW

IS STARTING TO MAKEMY LIFE MISERABLE.

LIKE NOW I WALK INTO 7-11 ANDTHE GUY BEHIND THE COUNTER GOES:

"AREN'T YOU THE KID FROM TV?"

I GO, "YEAH."

HE GOES, "DON'T HURT US!

JUST TAKE ANYTHING YOU WANT!"

SO THEN I PLAY INTO IT.

I GO, "SLURPEES NOW!LOTS OF THEM, HURRY!

NATALIE, TOOTIE, COVER ME."

( applause )

"ERKEL, START THE CAR, ERKEL.

START THE CAR!"

SO WHY DO KIDSIN SHOW BUSINESS GO BAD?

BECAUSE IT'S A BUSINESS.

IT'S NO PLACE FOR A KID.

YOU EVER WATCH JUNIOR STAR SEARCH?

AND YOU REALIZE THENWHAT A FINE LINE THERE IS

BETWEEN PRECOCIOUSAND OBNOXIOUS.

IT'S JUSTA COUPLE OF LETTERS AWAY.

JUNIOR STAR SEARCH.

LITTLE SIX-YEAR-OLD GIRLCOMES OUT

FULLY MADE UP,LOW-CUT, SEQUINED DRESS ON

YOU COULD SEEHER WONDERWOMAN UNDERROOS

STICKING UP OUT OF THE TOP

AND THEN SHE BELTS OUTSOME TUNE.

SIX YEARS OLD.

♪ "MEMORIES"...

"OF WHAT? WHEN YOU WERE FIVE?

YOU HAVE NO MEMORIES!"

( scattered applause )

BUT I'M 24 NOW.

PLEASE, DON'T APPLAUD.

YOU KNOW NOT TOBECAUSE IT'S NO BIG DEAL

YOU TURN 24, WHAT DO YOU GET?

NOTHING.

YOU TURN 21, THAT'S A MAJOR EVENT.

REMEMBER TURNING 21?

IT ALL HAPPENS ALL AT ONCE.

BOOM, LEGAL TO DRINK BEER,

ILLEGAL TO SLEEPWITH 16-YEAR-OLD GIRLS.

REALLY THREW ME.

( laughter )

IT'S NOT FAIR--

THEY GIVE YOU SOMETHING GOOD

AND THEN THEY TAKE SOMETHING BETTER AWAY, DAMN IT.

WHEN ELSE IN LIFEDOES THAT HAPPEN?

WHEN YOU TURN 65?

"YOU GET SOCIAL SECURITY

BUT THE HEMORRHOID MEDICATION,THAT COMES WITH US."

THE WAY IT USED TO BE,PERSONALLY.

I THINK.

( cheering )

I THINK IF YOU'RE 18 YEARS OLD

YOU'RE OLD ENOUGH TO MAKEYOUR OWN DECISIONS.

YOU'RE OLD ENOUGH TO VOTE BUTYOU'RE NOT OLD ENOUGH TO DRINK.

LOOK WHO WE HAVE TO VOTE FOR--YOU NE A DRINK.

ON ELECTION DAY,BUSH CALLS FOR BUSCH BEER

AND QUAYLE FOR A QUAALUDE.

THEY HAVE TO CHANGETHESE LAWS COMPLETELY.

( laughter )

BY NOT LETTINGYOUNG PEOPLE DRINK

THEY JUST MAKE THEMDO THINGS FAR WORSE.

WHAT DO THE POWERS THAT BEFIGURE

A 19-YEAR-OLD DOESON A SATURDAY NIGHT

IF THEY CAN'T GET INTO A CLUBAND HAVE A BEER WITH FRIENDS?

DO THEY GO HOMEAND STUDY THE BIBLE?

DO THEY WATCH DISNEY MOVIESON HOME VIDEO?

DO THEY SMOKE A SIX-FOOTBONG OUT IN THE GARAGE

WITH THEIR OTHER FRIENDSTHAT CAN'T GET IN?

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE LEGALTO BUY THE STUFF

THAT'S ILLEGAL.

YOU DON'T SEE GUYSIN BACK ALLEYS GO

"PSST, OVER HERE.

"YOU GOT I.D.?

I COULD LOSE MY LICENSE."

I DON'T CONDONEDRINKING AND DRIVING.

PEOPLE OF ALL AGES DO THATAND IT'S WRONG

AND DRINKING AND DRIVINGDON'T MIX.

THERE, I'VE MADEMY MOTHER PROUD.

IRONICALLY, OF COURSE

BECAUSE MY MOTHER AND DRIVINGIS A FAR DEADLIER COMBINATION.

( laughter )

I DO A LOT OF WORKWITH THAT NEW ORGANIZATION

D.A.M.D., WHICH IS "DRUNKSAGAINST MOTHERS DRIVING."

DO YOUR MOMS DO THIS?

I'M 24 NOW, SHE STILLTREATS ME LIKE I'M FOUR.

EVERY TIMEI'M IN THE CAR WITH MY MOM

AND SHE STOPS SHORTSHE DOES ONE OF THESE:

W-W-WHAT IS THAT?

THE MOTHER'S SIDE AIR BAG?

( laughter )

THEN SHE ALWAYS SAYSTHE SAME THING: "ARE YOU OKAY?"

"I WAS FINE UNTILYOU PUNCTURED MY LUNG."

( laughter )

"CAN YOU REMOVETHE LEE PRESS-ON NAILS

NOW EMBEDDED IN MY CHEST?"

ARE YOU GUYS READY FOR THAT?

YEAH?

EVERY TIME YOU CALL SOMEONE

THEY SEE YOU, YOU SEE THEM?

THAT'S GOING TO SUCK WHENYOU WANT TO CALL IN SICK.

( laughter )

YOU KNOW HOW YOU DO THAT NOW?

YOU JUST DISGUISE YOUR VOICE.

"HONEY, I'VE GOTTHE BOSS ON THE PHONE.

"SHH, SHH.

( with shaky voice: )HELLO."

( laughter )

NOTICE WHEN YOU CALL IN SICK

YOU TALK LIKE RIGHT SAID FRED?

♪ I'M TOO SICK TO GO TO WORK

♪ TOO SICK TO GO TO WORK

♪ TOO SICK TO WORK...

WE'RE GOINGTO GET PICTURE PHONES

AND IT WON'T BE LONG AFTER THAT

THE FOOD DELIVERY BUSINESSIS FINISHED.

IF YOU CAN SEETHE GUY AT DOMINO'S...

( stammering: )"YOU'RE GOING TOTOUCH MY PIZZA?"

( laughter )

"I'LL MAKE SOUP," CLICK,"THANK YOU."

( laughter )

AND NOBODY STOPS TO THINK ABOUTOBSCENE PICTURE PHONE CALLS.

THERE'S SOMETHINGTO LOOK FORWARD TO

AT 4:00 IN THE MORNING.

"ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT--I'M CALLING BETTY.

"I GOT BETTY'S NUMBERRIGHT HERE.

"2-9-1-1-5.

"ALL RIGHT THERE, BETTY.

ALL RIGHT."

( laughter )

"HELLO, BETTY!

TAKE A LOOK AT THIS!"

( laughter and applause )

I'M CONVINCED.

REMEMBER NORMAN ROCKWELLPAINTINGS?

THE TRAFFIC COP BLOWING HIS WHISTLE.

THE MAN WITH THE CAMERA.

IF ROCKWELL WERE ALIVE TODAY

HE'D BE PAINTING THE MAN WITH THE CAMERA

BLOWING THE WHISTLE ON THE TRAFFIC COP.

HE'D HAVE A WHOLE NEW COLLECTIONJUST FOR THE '90s.

THE DRUNK CAPTAIN AND THE OIL TANKER.

( laughter )

HE'D HAVE A HEYDAY WITH WHAT'SGOING ON SEXUALLY IN OUR WORLD.

PAINTINGS LIKE WAITING FOR THE BLOOD TEST RESULTS.

( laughter )

AND THERE'S A SEQUEL TO THAT.

IT'S ONLY SYPHILIS.

WHICH BRINGS METO WHERE MY GENERATION

GOT THE RAWEST DEALOF THEM ALL SEXUALLY.

DO YOU THINK IT'S FAIRWHAT'S HAPPENED TO US KIDS?

NO, IT IS NOT FAIR!

CONDOMS? WHAT ARE THOSE?

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TOWORRY ABOUT CONDOMS.

YOU DO, TOO, IF YOU'RE GOINGTO BE SEXUALLY ACTIVE

USE A CONDOMBECAUSE YOU JUST DON'T KNOW.

SOME PEOPLE, THEY DON'T KNOW.

SOME PEOPLE,THEY STILL DON'T KNOW.

( applause )

PEOPLE SAY, "MAKING LOVEAND WEARING A CONDOM?

THAT'S LIKE TAKING A SHOWERAND WEARING A RAINCOAT."

I SAY, "MAYBE, BUT THESE DAYS

"MAKING LOVEAND NOT WEARING A CONDOM

IS LIKE TAKING A SHOWERAND WEARING A TOASTER."

( laughter )

IT SUCKS.

I'M SO H.I.V.-PARANOID

I CAN'T EVEN WATCH VH-1--IT'S TOO CLOSE.

( laughter )

AND THE '70s-- THEY REFER TOTHEM AS THE "ME" GENERATION.

THE '90s IS THE ME GENERATION.

I KNOW, BECAUSE THE ONLY PERSONI CAN HAVE SEX WITH IS ME.

( smattering of applause )

SOME OF YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN MEPERFORM STAND-UP COMEDY BEFORE

BECAUSE YOU'RE LOOKING AT MERIGHT NOW LIKE, "SKIPPY?"

( laughter )

"GEE, HONEY, I GUESSWE MISSED THAT EPISODE."

JUST REMEMBER,I AM SKIPPY NO MORE.

FROM NOW ONI'M SKIPPY'S EVIL TWIN...

JIF.

( laughter )

THIS IS IT FOR ME.

LOOK AT THAT.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

I'M A JEW AND I BUILT SOMETHING.

THANK YOU.

( cheering )

OKAY, NOW WAIT A MINUTE.

WE'RE HAVING FUN HERE.

WAIT A SECOND, WAIT ONE SECOND.

I'M NOT PICKINGON JEWISH PEOPLE.

I'M JEWISH,JEWS CAN'T BUILD THINGS.

IT'S JUST A WELL-KNOWN FACT,ALL RIGHT?

FOR YEARS, I THOUGHTA PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER

WAS MILK OF MAGNESIA AND VODKA.

REALLY, LIKE THE PEOPLEIN THE ENQUIRER?

REALLY? BECAUSE THOSE PEOPLEIN THE ENQUIRER--

AND DON'T ACT LIKEYOU DON'T READ THAT MAGAZINE

BECAUSE WE ALL READ IT.

YOU DON'T BUY IT,YOU'RE AT THE CHECKOUT GOING:

"I'M NOT GOING TO PAYFOR THIS PIECE OF...

BUT I'LL THUMB THROUGH ITWHILE I'M WAITING HERE."

( laughter )

SOMETHING TO DOWHILE THAT GUY CHANGES HIS CHECK

INTO CANADIAN COINSOR SOMETHING.

BUT THESE PEOPLEIN THE ENQUIRER HAVE BEEN

WHAT THEY CALL CLINICALLY DEAD.

THEY'RE DEAD FOR A MINUTE.

THEY ALWAYS SAY THE SAME THING:

"IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

I NO LONGER FEAR DEATH."

I'M THINKING, YOU WEREONLY THERE FOR A MINUTE.

WHAT IF AFTER TWO MINUTESIT STARTS TO SUCK?

( laughter )

EVEN THE DENTISTIS FUN TILL THE GAS WEARS OFF.

( laughter )

THEIR STORIESARE ALWAYS THE SAME.

THEY'RE SPIRALINGTHROUGH A TUNNEL:

"THEN WE CAME TOA BRIGHTLY LIT WHITE ROOM

WITH A CHOIRSINGING "COME WITH US."

MAYBE A BETTER CHOIR THAN THATBUT YOU KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.

♪ COME ON WITH US.

HOW COME YOU NEVER READABOUT SOMEONE

BEING LOCKEDIN A FLAMING RED ELEVATOR...

( laughter )

WITH THIS HUGE CREATURE

WITH A SPIKED TAILAND A TRENCH COAT

GOING, "COME HERE!

"I'M YOUR NEW FRIEND.

OOH, IT'S PAYOLA TIME."

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