Jones, Goldich, Ernst, Miyamoto

BECAUSE IT'S SO PHONY OUT THERE.

YOU KNOW, LIKE THE NEW TREND IN HOLLYWOOD IS,

ALL THESE WHITE STARS ADOPTING BLACK KIDS, YOU KNOW, RIGHT?

TOM CRUISE GOT A COUPLE. SPIELBERG'S GOT A COUPLE.

BUT YOU NEVER SEE THEM WITH THEM, YOU KNOW.

I HAVEN'T MET LITTLE TYRONE LAMONT SPIELBERG YET.

[LAUGHTER]

AND ANGELINA JOLIE JUST GOT ONE.

SHE WENT OVER AND GOT ONE OF THEM MOLIKI-EYE KIDS,

- IT'S LIKE THEY-- - [LAUGHTER]

THEY COME BACK-- THEY COME WITH EYE DROPS.

BUT YOU KNOW I'M ALL FOR THAT.

BUT WE GOT A BUNCH OF KIDS HERE THAT COULD BE ADOPTED.

[APPLAUSE]

IT'S JUST A STATUS SYMBOL,YOU KNOW.

THEY WANNA HAVE SOMETHINGNOBODY ELSE GOT.

IT'S LIKE YEAH, THIS IS THE 2005 CAMBODIAN.

THEY ONLY MADE SEVEN MILLION OF THESE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M THINKING ABOUT ADOPTING ME A LITTLE WHITE KID, YOU KNOW,

LITTLE JEWISH KID. LET HIM DO MY TAXES.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LIKE, "JAIME, COME IN HERE AND CLOSE THIS DEAL.

I NEED YOU TO CLOSE THIS DEAL, MAN."

BUT YOU KNOW THEY WOULDN'T LET ME

ADOPT A WHITE KID.THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN.

IF I WENT DOWN THERE, AND SAY, "YOU KNOW, I WANT THIS LITTLE

FRECKLE-FACE REDHEAD RIGHT THERE," THEY BE LIKE,

"NO. WE GOT THE 2005 CAMBODIAN."

[LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE I GOT MY WISDOM TEETH PULLED LIKE EIGHT MONTHS AGO.

[LAUGHTER]

RIGHT NOW I LIVE INA HOUSE WITH A COUPLE OFDIRTY BACHELORS.

WE GOT A GUY STAYING WITH US. WE DON'T CARE.

BUT THE GUY DOESN'T HAVE A BED.

INSTEAD, HE GOT LIKE AN OLD AIR MATTRESS.

AND IT'S LIKE A HUGE AIR MATTRESS.

ON THE BOX THAT IT CAME IN, IT SAYS,

"SLEEPS THREE COMFORTABLY."

YEAH. LIKE A GUY THAT SLEEPS ON AN AIR MATTRESS

IS GETTING A LOT OF THREE-WAY ACTION.

[LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE IF YOU'RE GETTING ROMANTIC WITH TWO HOT WOMEN,

KIND OF RUINS THE MOMENTWHEN YOU GOT TO STOP

- TO BLOW UP THE BED. - [LAUGHTER]

I HAVE A COUSIN IN HAWAII. SHE TEACHES SPECIAL EDUCATION

WHICH I REALLY RESPECT. BUT SHE TOLD ME SHE MIGHT

- MOVE TO HOUSTON-- - [CHEERING]

WITH SOME OF HER OTHER FRIENDS,

'CAUSE SHE SAID THERE'S A LOT MORE OPPORTUNITY THERE FOR HER.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I GUESS FOR A SPECIAL ED TEACHER,

HOUSTON IS LIKE A GOLD MINE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

KIND OF HANGING OUT, KIND OF SEEING HER.

SHE GOES INAN OFFICE SUPPLY STORE.

I WENT INTO A CLOTHING DISCOUNT STORE TO BUY A HAT.

I'M TRYING ON THESEDIFFERENT TYPES OF HATS.

AND THERE WAS AN OLD GUY FOLLOWING ME AROUND THE STORE.

HE'S LIKE 80 YEARS OLD.HE'S STARING AT ME.

DARK SUNGLASSES,BAD HANDLEBAR MOUSTACHE,BALLS HANGING OUT.

- [LAUGHTER] - NO. NO.

BUT HE REALLYLOOKED LIKE A PEDOPHILE.

SO NOW I'M LIKE, "THIS GUY PROBABLY THINKS I'M LIKE 14 YEARS OLD."

PART OF ME WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, I STILL GOT IT."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WASN'T EVEN TRYING. I TOLD THE GIRL WHAT HAPPENED.

SHE DIDN'T BELIEVE ME. SHE'S LIKE, "NO WAY.

"LIKE, WHAT,LIKE I'M MAKING THIS UP?

TRYING TO MAKE YOU JEALOUS? SHOW YOU I GOT OPTIONS?"

I WENT TO VEGAS WITH THIS GIRL.

SO, YOU KNOW, THESE SITUATIONS ARE AWKWARD,

'CAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW HOW THE SLEEPING ARRANGEMENTS

ARE GONNA WORK OUT. WE GET TO VEGAS.

I'M TELLING THE GUY AT THE FRONT DESK OF THE HOTEL

WE NEED A ROOM FOR THE NIGHT, HE'S LIKE, "ALL RIGHT.

YOU WANT A ROOM WITH ONE BED OR TWO BEDS?"

THE GIRL'S STANDING BEHIND ME.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE'S THINKING.

SO I'M LIKE,"WELL, THERE'S TWO OF US.

SO I GUESS WE'LL JUST TAKE A ROOM WITH TWO BEDS."

BUT MEANWHILE, OFF TO THE SIDE I'M TELLING THE GUY--

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND IT'S A GUY. SO, HE'S TRYING TO HELP ME OUT.

HE TURNS EVERYTHING AROUND. HE'S LIKE,

"WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE ALL WE GOT AVAILABLE

ARE ROOMS WITH ONE BED.I HOPE THAT'S OKAY."

- SO, I'M LIKE-- - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO I SLEPT IN THE BATHTUB. HEY, THANKS A LOT, FOLKS.

Y'ALL IN A GOOD MOOD? Y'ALL FEEL OKAY?

- [CHEERING] - YEAH, WELL GOOD FOR YOU.

I FEEL LIKE I'M ABOUT TO PASS OUT NOW. I GOT THIS PUSHUP BRA ON.

AND IT'S ABOUT TO CHOKE THE HELL OUTTA ME, Y'ALL.

I THOUGHT THE THINGWAS SUPPOSED TO PUSH UP.

IT'S PUSHING MY BREASTS IN, YOU KNOW. IT FEEL LIKE IT'S

PUSHING 'EM INTO ONE BIG TITTY IN THE MIDDLE OF MY CHEST.

I GOT THIS CYCLOPS TITTY SITTING HERE. THEY JUST-- MAN.

AND I AIN'T WEARING IT TO MAKE MY BREASTS LARGER, LADIES.

LET'S NOT GET CONFUSED.I'M JUST TRYING TO PICK

MY BREASTS UP OFF MY STOMACH 'CAUSE THEY'RE FALLING.

SOME OF YOU LADIESKNOW WHAT HAPPEN TO US.

WE GET A GRAVITY PULL,DON'T WE?

AS I GET OLDER, I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING FROM 34B TO 34 LONG.

- I MEAN... - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M HAVING A GOOD TIME, Y'ALL. I NEED HIPS, TOO. I MEAN,

I ALWAYS HAD A BODY PROBLEM.I NEVER HAD HIPS.

LOOK. THEY SAY PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HIPS. I--

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NEVER HAD HIPS. IT'S 'CAUSE I DON'T HAVE KIDS.

EVERYBODY TELLS METHAT ONCE I HAVE A KID,I'LL GROW SOME HIPS.

THAT'S COOL. BUT WHATDO YOU DO WITH THE KID?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I MEAN, FOR REAL, FOR REAL.

THEM REALITY SHOWS KILLIN' ME, YOU KNOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I HATE THE BACHELOR.

THE BACHELOR AND THE BACHELORETTE.

YOU KNOW WHY, BECAUSE ALL THE WOMEN DON'T REPRESENT.

ALL THE WOMEN ARE CUTE, PRISSY, SOFT-SPOKEN LITTLE

PRISSY HEIFERS. I CAN'T STAND 'EM.

YOU KNOW WHAT? WOMEN LIKE THAT CAN GET MARRIED ANYWAY.

THAT'S NO CHALLENGE. IT REALLY AIN'T NO CHALLENGE.

GET A WOMAN LIKE ME MARRIED OFF.THEN YOU BEAT 'EM THEN SOME.

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]- FOR REAL.

THAT'S WHAT I NEED TO SEE.

I NEED A SHOW WITH WOMEN LIKE ME.

GIVE 'EM MORE OF A CHALLENGE. I WANNA SEE A SHOW WITH

LOUD, OUTSPOKEN, BOSSY BITCHES, WOMEN WHO ARE STALKERS.

HA, HA, HA, HA! WOMEN BEFOLLOWING THE MAN HOME,

THROWING A BRICK IN HIS WINDSHIELD.

HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!

THAT'S MY NEW SHOW. CALL IT WHO WANTS TO MARRY THIS BITCH?

- MY NEW SHOW.- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'VE NEVER BEEN MARRIED,'CAUSE I'M NOT DOMESTIC.

YOU KNOW, THERE'S A LOT OF WOMEN OUT THERE THAT GET IN A RELATIONSHIP.

THEY GET SO PARANOIDABOUT THEIR BOYFRIENDS.

ANYBODY GET ARANDOM-BITCH PHONE CALL?

- [LAUGHTER] - OH, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

THEM WOMEN THEN FOUND THE PHONE NUMBER, THEY CALL IT.

THIS WOMAN CALLED ME UP TOLD ME,"LOOK. I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU IS

"BUT I FOUND YOUR PHONE NUMBER IN MY MAN'S POCKET.

AND YOU BETTER NOT BE FOOLING AROUND WITH MY MAN."

SO I SAID, "HONEY, LOOK.I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU IS, EITHER.

BUT I'MA GIVE YOU A LITTLE WOMAN-TO-WOMAN ADVICE.

IF YOU'RE HAVING A PROBLEM IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP,

YOU THINK YOUR MAN IS CHEATING ON YOU,

THAT'S SOMETHING YOU NEED TO TALK OVER WITH YOUR MAN.

- YOU HEAR ME, NEW YORK?- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SO, I WOKE HIM UP, GAVE HIM THE PHONE,

LET HER TALK TO HIM--

SOMEBODY TRIED TO GIVE ME A WET WILLY EARLIER TODAY.

YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

IT'S WHEN SOMEBODY SUCKS ON THEIR FINGER

AND THEN THEY TRY TO STICK IT IN YOUR EAR.

YEAH. GOTTA SAY I NEVER REALLY UNDERSTOOD A FORM OF TORTURE

THAT'S JUST AS DISGUSTING FOR THE PERSON ADMINISTERING IT

AS IT IS FOR THE PERSONRECEIVING IT, YOU KNOW.

IT'S ALMOST IF I WAS LIKE, "HEY, YOU JERK.

"I'M GONNA STICK MY HEAD IN THE TOILET

AND THEN SHAKE IT ALL OVER YOU. THAT'LL SHOW YOU."

I GUESS I HADN'T REALLYTHOUGHT THAT THROUGH.

PEOPLE ASK ME, HOW LONG YOU BEEN DOING COMEDY?

AND I THINK FOR ME, IT STARTEDWHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID.

I REMEMBER ONCE IN GYM CLASS, WE WERE PLAYING RED ROVER.

YOU GUYS REMEMBER THE GAME? SOMEBODY WOULD SAY,

"RED ROVER, RED ROVER, ALL THE BLUES COME OVER."

AND THEN EVERYBODY WEARING BLUE

WOULD HAVE TO RUN FROM ONE ENDOF THE GYM TO THE OTHER.

SO, IT WAS MY TURN TO MAKE THE CALL.

THOUGHT I'D MAKE A LITTLE JOKE. AND I SAID,

"RED ROVER, RED ROVER,ALL THE JEWS COME OVER."

THAT WAS NOT SUCH A BIG HIT WITH THE GYM TEACHER,

ESPECIALLY WHEN THE 12 MOST UN-ATHLETIC KIDS IN THE CLASS

ALL STARTED RUNNING FROMONE END OF THE GYM TO THE OTHER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND WE ALLTRIPPED OVER EACH OTHER

AND GOT NOSEBLEEDS. THOSE WERE NOT GOOD TIMES.

WE HAD A LOT OFASSEMBLIES AT MY SCHOOL.

AND THEY WERE ALL PRETTY MUCH THE SAME.

LIKE EVERY ASSEMBLY WE HAD, THEY WOULD BRING IN SOME

FORMER DRUG ADDICT.AND HE'D BE LIKE, "YEAH.

"I WAS ADDICTED TO DRUGS FOR 20 YEARS AND I ALMOST DIED.

AND THAT'S WHYYOU SHOULDN'T DO DRUGS."

AND I'D BE LIKE, "WELL, YOU DIDN'T DIE,

"AND YOU GOT TO DO ALL THOSE DRUGS, SO...

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] - YOU KNOW, IT'S A...

IT'S NOT A VERY CONVINCING ARGUMENT.

HE'D BE LIKE, "YEAH, YOU KNOW, BUT SOME OF MY FRIENDS,

THEY DIDN'T MAKE IT." I'D BE THINKING,

"WELL, AT LEAST THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO SIT THROUGH

THIS BORING ASSEMBLY. GUESS THEY LUCKED OUT, YEAH."

I WAS IN A BAR NOT TOO LONG AGO.GUY ASKED ME IF I HAD A BOWL.

GUESS HE WANTED TO SMOKE SOME WEED.

AND I WAS KIND OF FLATTERED, ACTUALLY.

I'M NOT NORMALLYTHE TYPE OF GUY

PEOPLE ASSUME HAS A BOWL ON HIM.

LIKE, I'M THE KIND OF GUY PEOPLEASK ME A LOT IF I HAVE STAMPS.

THAT'S KIND OF THE REPUTATION I'VE ACQUIRED.

I DON'T GET A LOT OF LIKE, "MATT, WANNA SMOKE SOME WEED?"

I GET LIKE, "HEY MATT,DO YOU HAVE ANY ADVIL?"

LIKE THAT'S KIND OF MY LITTLE NICHE THAT I'VE CARVED OUT MYSELF, YEAH.

SO, I WAS IN THE SUPERMARKET. AND I WAS IN THE CHECKOUT LINE.

I GOT BORED AND STARTED READING ONE OF THOSE WOMEN'S MAGAZINES.

AND THERE WAS AN ARTICLE. THE TITLE OF THE ARTICLE WAS,

"ARE YOU GOOD IN BED?" THAT WAS THE TITLE.

AND LET ME JUST TELL YOU SOMETHING, LADIES.

IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHETHER OR NOT YOU'RE GOOD IN BED,

AH-- YES. YES, YOU ARE GOOD IN BED.

YOU REALLY DON'T NEEDA MAGAZINE TO TELL YOU.

I'LL TELL YOU RIGHT NOW.AS A GUY,

OUR STANDARD PRETTY MUCH IS-- IF YOU ARE IN BED...

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THAT IS AUTOMATICALLY GOOD.

THAT'S-- IT'S BASICALLYWHERE WE'RE COMING FROM.

WELL, THANKS A LOT, YOU GUYS. HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.

ACTUALLY WENT OUT WITH MY FRIENDS LAST NIGHT.

YOU CAN ALWAYS TELL LIKEITALIANS IN A NIGHTCLUB.

'CAUSE WE LIKE WALK IN, FIRST OF ALL, WE'RE SO PROUD

THAT WE MADE IT IN THE CLUB. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE THAT'S OUR CLAIM TO FAME.

LIKE WE WALK IN WITH THAT FACE LIKE--

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEN WE LIKE START SHAKING HANDS WITH EVERYBODY.

"HEY, HOW YOU DOIN'? HOW YOU DOIN'?

ARIGHT? HOW YOU DOIN'? HEY, HOW--"

WE DON'T EVEN KNOW 'EM."HEY, HOW YOU DOING?

"HOW'S YOUR MOTHER? GIVE HER MY BLESS--

STRONG WOMAN, YOUR MOTHER," YOU KNOW. GUY'S LIKE,

"WHO THE HELL'S THAT?" THE GUY'S LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW.

BUT APPARENTLY HE KNOWS YOUR MOM."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WITH THE ATHLETES TODAY,PEOPLE HOLDING OUT.

BASEBALL PLAYERS USING STER-- WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

USING STEROIDS MAN,THAT AIN'T NOTHING LIKETHE OLD SCHOOL--

REMEMBER THE OLD SCHOOL GUYS? THEY DIDN'T EVEN USE--

THESE GUYS WERE MEN. BABE RUTH HIT OVER 700 HOMERUNS

AFTER LIKE BANGING HOOKERSALL NIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THEY DIDN'T USE STEROIDS. BUT LIKE, YOU EVER SEE THOSE LIKE GAMES ON ESPN CLASSIC,

THOSE BLACK AND WHITE 1940 GAMES?

THEY'RE HYSTERICAL. 'CAUSE FIRST OF ALL,

LIKE ALL THE ANNOUNCERS TALK LIKE THIS. YOU KNOW.

AND THE GAMES WERESO UNHEALTHY BACK THEN.

YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE, TODAY'S GAME IS BROUGHT TO YOU

BY LUCKY STRIKE CIGARETTES. LUCKY STRIKE CIGARETTES,

THE CIGARETTE OF THE PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE.

AND THE TEAMS BACK THEN DON'T EVEN EXIST ANYMORE.

"TODAY'S FOOTBALL CONTEST FEATURES

POUGHKEEPSIE VERSUS COOPERSTOWN."

AND EVERYBODY WAS IDENTIFIED BY RACE BACK THEN, TOO.

"STARTING FOR POUGHKEEPSIE,

"TOMMY 'THE BIG,DUMB POLLOCK ' ZAGOWSKI,

"A MOUNTAIN OF A MAN AT FIVE-TEN, 185 POUNDS."

AND THEY SHOW HIS PICTURE. HE'S LIKE--

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"AND ON OFFENSEFOR COOPERSTOWN,

"JIMMY 'THE DRUNK IRISH MIC' O'CONNELL.

I TELL YOU, THIS GUY-- WE GOT FOOTAGE OF HIM WORKING OUT."

AND OLD DUDES BACK THEN DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO WORK OUT.

- SO, THEY'RE LIKE DOING-- - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT LIKE WHEN BLACK PEOPLE HIT THE LEAGUE,

THEY COULDN'T EXPLAIN IT. WHEN BROTHERS HIT THE LEAGUE,

THEY REFUSED TO ADMIT THEY WERE GOOD.

IT WAS LIKE, "YOU KNOW JOE, TODAY'S GAME'S UNIQUE.

"IT'S GONNA FEATURE THE FIRST COLORED

"TO PLAY IN OUR PROFESSIONAL LEAGUES,

"WILLIE 'BLACKIE' JOHNSON WILL BE PLAYING FOR COOPERSTOWN.

"AND HE'S GONNA SHED SOME LIGHT ON THIS DEBATE.

"'CAN THE BLACK REALLY COMPETE

WITH THE WHITE SUPERIOR ATHLETE?'

"LET'S FIND OUT. HERE'S THE KICKOFF.

"AND BLACKIE GETS THE BALL. "HE'S AT THE 5, THE 10,

"THE 20, THE 30,THE 40, THE 50--

TOUCHDOWN, BLACKIE JOHNSON,HOLY COW, JOE."

AND JOE IS LIKE, "HE'S CHEATING, BILL. BLACKIE'S CHEATING.

"HE'S UP TO TOMFOOLERYAND SHENANIGANS.

"HE'S USING HIS BLACK SKIN TO REFLECT SUNLIGHT IN THE EYES

OF THE WHITE DEFENSIVE PLAYERS."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"WELL, IT DIDN'T LOOK LIKE HE WAS CHEATING TO ME, JOE."

"WELL, I'LL TELL YOU BILL, THIS IS TWO-WAY FOOTBALL.

"WE KNOW BLACKIE CAN PLAY OFFENSE BUT CAN HE PLAY DE--

INTERCEPTION, BLACKIE JOHNSON."

BY THE END OF THE GAME,IT'S LIKE OKAY.

"OKAY, POUGHKEEPSIE, 7. COOPERSTOWN, 88.

"YOU KNOW, JOE, IT'S A SHAME SOMEONE SHOT BLACKIE JOHNSON

"IN THE BEGINNING OF THE FOURTH QUARTER.

HE COULDA HAD OVER 900 YARDS RUSHIN'."

"WELL, HE HAD IT COMIN' BILL,WITH HIS VOODOO.

"PLUS, I DIDN'T LIKE THE WAY HE WAS EYEIN' OUR CHEERLEADERS.

"HE WAS LOOKING AT THAT IRENE "BIG THIGHS" MAGILLICUTTI

LIKE A HUNGRY DOG EYEING A STEAK."

"OH JOE, CALM DOWN. A BEAUTIFUL WHITE GIRL

"WOULD NEVER DATE A BLACK PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE.

"THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"THAT CONCLUDES OUR GAME.

"AND MAKE SURE, YOU KNOW NEXT WEEK IS FAMILY NIGHT.

EVERY KID GETS A FREE PACK OF LUCKY STRIKE CIGARETTES."