Abbi goes to the ends of the Earth to get a package for her hot neighbor, and Ilana juggles two jobs -- terribly.
(man singing in Spanish)
(woman singing in Spanish)
I'm making bank, bitch!
Oh, my God.
You are insane.
Ab, I'm becoming a mogul a laJay-Z, a la Martha Stewart,
a la Bethenny Frankel.
Next thing you know, I'mbackstage at Barclays
with RiRi and Bebe--Who?
Rihanna and Beyonce.
And we're just laughingand sipping on champagne
with like, candlelight.'Cause that happensall the time.
RiRi leans in for a kissand then she--
Goes down on you.Yeah.
Yeah, you-- you saythat story a lot.
Oh, my God!
I didn't know you hadplans with Lincoln.We don't have plans.
We're just going to have sex atone of these dogs' apartments.
I'd do it.
I'd pick up your poop,you're worth it.
So I know why I missedthe window.
I jinxed myself.Why, what do you mean?
'Cause I boughttoo many condoms.
It's the storyof my life,
so just gonnadeal with it.
But I won'tmake out with you.
That's what white people do,that dog thing.
Black people don'tmake out with dogs.
So what do you think is inJeremy's package?
Oh , look at you.
You're standoffish, huh?
I've narrowed it downto a bunch of things.
I made a little list here.
Okay, so I think it's either,um, clues to a mystery
that he's gonna solve,
a manly handcrafted axe,
or a really great belt.
Nah, dude,it's a Fleshlight.
Ilana, why do you have toruin him for me?
It's not a Fleshlight.(text alert)
I gotta head backto the office.
One of these dumb kids brokehis jaw on a Jawbreaker.
Why would you even do that?
It does exactly whatit says it's gonna do.
Lincoln, you gave all these dogsall your love and now you're
leaving me like,tight and dry.
I'll kick itwith you later.Okay, cool.
See you later,General Tso.
Is that his name?
Yeah, I name them based ontheir personalities.
There's General Tso,there's Dumbface.
and that is starof "Ugly Betty"
and "Who's the Boss?"
The wonderful,the esteemed...
(Abbi)Oh, my God.
That's so Judith!That is dead on!
All right,I'll see y'all later.
All right, peace.Later, Judith.
Judith, now that I know thatyou are Judith Light,
I can't let you backin that tiny-ass apartment.
We'll dropthese bitches off
and you're chillingwith me all day.(whimpering)
(woman on PA) Last stop in Manhattan.
The train will now be going express to 37th Street.
I'm not sure if I'm inthe right place--
I'll just hand that--All right.
Thank you so much.
It took me so long--ID.
No, I'm not a man.
Jeremy's actually my--he's my husband.
We both work so much.
You know how it is.
But when we're home,we're home and we--
I need his ID or he cancome down here
with two pieces ofmail with his name on it.
Gar... ol, you seem like,so great.
I can just tellfrom this interaction.
Can you just like, lookthe other way this time?
I'm sorry, I can't.
My supervisor's watching.
Yeah, I got hereas soon as I could.
How did you get a cabto come here?
The Whitestone Bridgeis right over there.
Okay, come on, let's go.
Do you have 70 bucksto pay the driver?
Remember, you're my husband,Jeremy Santos.
I'm not your roommate'sboyfriend, I'm your husband.
I'll do it good.Okay.
But don't tell Melody.Tell Melody what?
That was a great...
that was a great kissfrom my husband.
So this is Jeremy, my husbandI told you about earlier.
You're Jeremy Santos.
No, I'm Matty Bevers.
No, Abbi, don't!
No, no, no, I'm gonnalose a flip flop!
(Bevers)No, no, no, no,no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no,no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no!