Tuesday, November 8, 2016

  • 11/09/2016

Paul F. Tompkins, Whitney Cummings and Ron Funches relive odd campaign gaffes, imagine life in Canada and sum up the #2016ElectionIn3Words in this live election night episode.

The 2016 election wasa battle fought on social media,

and I think it's fair to say thelosers were the American people.

This wasa complete ridiculous upending.

This was a blood bath,no matter which way you voted.

I don't think anyone iswalking away feeling like,

"Ah, that was great. Let's haveanother one of those real soon."

This election was insane.

It is the byproductof social media,

which does notfoster conversations.

It fosters emotional outbursts

without lookinginto where facts come from,

and we're conditioned to thinkthat anything that trends

or gets upvoted is worthpaying attention to,

which is basically like saying,"Hey, that horse is on fire.

Let's vote for it!Let's vote for it!"

"He's tripping over his ownballs. Let's vote for that."

-(laughter)-But this is the democracy.

This is America.

We will come togetheras a nation. We have to.

We have to make this work.

So, you might describethis election as horrifying,

or traumatizing or erotic,maybe. I don't know.

Which is why tonight'slive hashtag is


Examples might bePrayed for Godzilla,

or ♪ Too Many Whites.

♪ Too Many Whites. Comedians,

how would you describethis election in three words?

-Ron?-♪ Bernie Come Back.

-(cheers and applause)-♪ Any kind of fool could see

♪ I was wrong, and I just can'tlive without you. ♪

♪ Ba-da-da, ba-da-da, ba-da,bah-bah ♪

♪ Ba-buh, ba-da, ba-da.

(cheers and applause)

Paul F. Tompkins.

-In three words?-Yes.

Please... Kill Me.

-(laughter)-All right, Paul F.

Thank you. Points.

Whitney Cummings.

Uh, Trump Grabbed My...

HARDWICK:All right.

Points for that.This around the Internet.

@TheLegendaryJF says, "Threewords: Canada's Border Closed."


@OnlyInBOS--only in Boston, I suppose.

"Still Taco Tuesday."Looking on the bright side.

-(laughter) -Here now,here now with an update

on those measures is of courseour weed correspondent--

Doug Benson is coming on.Uh, Doug Benson.

(cheering, applause)

-Thanks, Chris.-Hey, Doug.

What an exciting night.

Weed is legal in California!

-(cheering, applause) -Whatan amazing day for stoners.

(chanting):Yes, we can...

find our keys!

(audience joins in):Yes, we can...

-find our keys! -Okay,okay, okay, that's enough.

The smoke is ruiningthe green screen, Doug.

It's... it is a literalgreen screen right now.

But that, I'm sorry,that does not look like

-an electoral map.-I look like a ghost!

Yeah, you do. You look like a...you look like a spooky...

you look like a...

The ghost who voted too much!

That's the ghost, yeah. Yeah.

The guy who diedin a sticker factory

has come back to hauntthe green screen.

-But that's not...-Whew!

that's not an electoral collegemap-- what is that, Doug?

Oh, that's a map of,uh, Six Flags.


Six Flags locations,these are the ones,

the circled ones are the oneswith the best funnel cakes.

HARDWICK:Okay, that's good.

Doug, that gives us zeroinformation about the election.

What can you tell us?

Oh, well, I got more maps.

I got, like an old-timey mapof the ocean.

-Look at that guy.-HARDWICK: Oh.

-That's not helpful.-We legalized sea monsters.


-Any other maps?-Ah, yeah.

I also, uh, made a Google mapof, uh...

This is my route thatI drive to work.

HARDWICK:Oh, that's...

Amazing that you really makeall these turns.

Well, I forget some things,I have to go back and around.

Uh, okay, great.

Well, thank you for being here,Doug.

I got to go back and aroundthese things

-right down here.-Cut his feed, but his feed.

We don't need to work...

We don't need to work the baseof Doug's route to work.

Now it's time to playDelete Your Accounts.

Delete Your Accounts.

(cheering and applause)

I think we can all agree thebest part of this election,

was Scott Baio's triumphantreturn to television, you guys.

I know you were excited,you wanted it, you got it.

Shut up, sir.

The worst part, though, waswatching the candidates

strain their butt holes tryingto pander on social media.

Millions of us were temptedto log off for good,

but let's be real, we're notgonna go back to analog porn,

so we're not going offthe Internet.

It's grainy, you can't fastforward as fast.

Early-early today-- I know yougot to switch the inputs

-when your mom walks in theroom. -CUMMINGS: Fast forward...

Yeah, yeah, fast forward.

It's like, it's like,it's like doing this

at the same time for a guy.

You're exactly right,Whitney.

I can't-- Oh, I don't...

I can't do it,I can't do any of this...

Oh, my God, I justfast forwarded my dick.

I don't know what I'm doing.

-My dick is buffering.-HARDWICK: It's buffering.

Earlier today we asked ouraudience to choose

the cringiest election momentwith our online poll.

And you guys pickedthe Trump taco bowl.

The Trump taco bowl,

which, in case you forgotabout this catastrophe,

was this right here.

Happy Cinco de Mayo.

The best taco bowls are madein Trump Tower Grill.

-I love Hispanics.-(laughter)

Well, to me, this was perfect,because every single element

was the wrong decision.

Uh, what-what...

It was just a perfectconfluence of...

Uh, what do you think, guys?

Paul F.

It's fascinating to watcha bowl of garbage

eating a bowl of garbage.

(cheers and applause)


And that's a linefrom Superman II, as well.

Uh, do you remember?Do you remember?

When Superman gets hispowers back,

he goes backand beats that guy up.

He says, he says, I've neverseen garbage eat garbage.

Watch it.

There's a lot of useless factsstored up here.

I'm protecting a small part ofmy brain for me. you guys.


I guess, I just, the way he'ssaying I love Hispanics,

it makes it sound like he'seating Hispanics.


-Like, is that Hispanic meat?-HARDWICK: It might be, yeah.

TOMPKINS:It was a guy named Taco.

-And now he's in a bowl.-HARDWICK: Yeah. Ron.

Um, I know Paulwas making a joke,

but that is a solid looking tacobowl if I ever seen one.

You can see the constructionon the side is...

-Has a lot of structuralintegrity. -FUNCHES: If he wants

to be president of making tacobowls, I vote for him,

but of the country,he can kiss my ass.

-HARDWICK: All right.-(cheers and applause)

Points for Ron Funches.

Does it, does it bother anyone

that there is not a computeron his desk?


Does anyone else find that...

HARDWICK:The taco's a computer.

TOMPKINS: He doesn't use them,he doesn't use computers.

He doesn't use computers.

TOMPKINS: What a great timeto be willfully ignorant.

The other candidates-- okay,we're still at 244--

The other candidates had plentyof pukeable moments, too,

like this clipof Hillary Clinton

reaching out to millennialsand nailing it; check it out.

I don't know who createdPokémon Go.

But I'm trying to figure outhow we get them

to have Pokémon Go to the Polls.

-(audience groans)-Well... Hang on.

Uh, first of all, first of all,

Niantic did, and if you wantpeople to go to the polls,

make 'em a Pokestopand release rare Pokémon.

That's pretty easy.Rare... I mean,

that's solved, right there.Uh, comedians,

what's another app-based jokeHillary should have made?

-Paul. -I'm the most loveablecandidate you got.

Uh, who's more loveable than me?"U-- Ber-nie"?

-All right. Points. Yeah, good.-(audience chuckles)

-U-Ber-nie.-The idea was for it to be bad.

Yeah, U-Ber-nie.

Why... why do you...Don't act like...

Paul, to be fair, I thinkeveryone's just waiting

for you to go,♪ Strike up the band

♪ The music is...

Oh, strike-strike down the band.

Right now on Twitter, Facebook,

the top trending item is Canada.Everyone's talking about

moving to "Canadia."Comedians, what are... uh,

what are you gonna dowhen you move to Canada?

-What are you gonna do? Uh,Paul. -If I play my cards right,

freeze to death.

I-I feel that's not gonnabe a problem. Points.

Uh, Whitney Cummings.

I'm gonna, uh,visit John Candy's grave

-and then kill myself.-Okay, all right.

You get points for that.

They got Tim Horton's up there,though. The coffee's real good.

Uh... Ron Funches.

Uh, the same thing I doin America:

smoke hella weedand eat Canadian bacon.